Steph McGovern Hacker Time

All right, that's one minute to on air, everyone.

Right, you lot, I've got loads of little brown envelopes,

which can mean only one thing.

-It's payday!

-CASH REGISTER RINGS

Lolly, here's your monthly pound.

Oh, great!

Herman, here's your monthly pound...

of raisins.

Great!

Wilf, here's your monthly 32,000...

-HE GASPS

-..Vietnamese dong.

Wow! This currency's worth roughly £1, at the time of recording.

And finally, Hacker,

I've got all these little brown envelopes for you.

Huzzah! I knew I was worth more than the rest of you losers.

Actually, you're worth less.

We're just paying you in little brown envelopes.

-Where's all the money gone?

-Oh, I've spent it on me own salary.

Did somebody say celery?

He's the most expensive one-joke character we've ever had.

Now, run the titles. Hu-huh!

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my

# Programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back, don't move too much

# This is the show you can't touch

-# Stop!

-Hacker Time! #

Thank you.

OK, stand by, everyone.

We're on air in five, four...

Wilf, is the celebrity guest here?

She's just coming now, Derek.

Hello, I'm respected business journalist Steph McGovern

here to film BBC Breakfast.

Oh, certainly, sir. But don't you need the toilet first?

-No, I'm fine, thanks.

-You might as well pop in, though.

-I don't need the toilet.

-Pop in, have a little look in there.

-Seriously, I don't.

-Squeeze a bit out. Make some room, love.

What on earth?

-Ready, Hacker.

-Good.

I've found the perfect outlet for her talents.

A sewage outlet.

Arghhh!

HE WHISTLES

Arghhh!

Ladies and gentlemen, from Pocket Money Pitch

and BBC Breakfast, it's Steph McGovern.

Welcome to Hacker Time.

No, you're having a laugh, I'm not doing this.

Oh, come on, Steph. I'll make it worth your while.

-Go on, then, what are you going to pay me?

-7,000...

..little brown envelopes.

It's more than I get for Pocket Money Pitch.

-Go on, then...deal.

-Belting.

Now, to find out if you're worth that paltry sum,

Derek, tell us more about this dullard, will you?

Coming up, my little owl.

That's wrong.

-Quack! Quack! Quack!

-Derek, you pressed the wrong button.

Hang on. Oh, this is right.

Steph McGovern is a journalist who talks about business and money stuff

on BBC Breakfast.

Sometimes, she bribes cattle to pull the breakfast sofa outside,

so she can sunbathe while interviewing people.

And other times, the crew play pranks on her

by gluing Mike Bushell to her spine.

Steph also presents Pocket Money Pitch,

where she can be found wearing tops that clash with the set.

And that's all you didn't need to know about Stephanie McGovern.

-Oh, you're THAT Steph McGovern.

-Why, who did you think I was?

A better one. Anyway, now you're here, you may as well help me

-get my finances in order.

-Yeah, very happy to.

There we go look. I think all the letters are in the wrong order.

Ironically, that sign did cost me five billion quid,

so I really do need to get my finances in order.

-You certainly do.

-Thanks, cocker.

Larry, tell us what other weak jokes are coming up.

-Certainly, Hacker.

-Carry on.

If you like money, you'll love this show because it's all about...

..money.

Coming up, Steph gets weird in safety gear...

..some other stuff happens, like this...

..and there's nudity next to an abacus.

Stay tuned.

Wow. Looks almost as bad as that BBC Breakfast rubbish, dun't it?

-You cheeky monkey.

-I know.

Now, Stefan McTavish, you're famous for doing business during breakfast,

-aren't you?

-Yeah.

Oh, mucky that.

I always wait till after breakfast to do my business,

although I do often do it all over the BBC Breakfast sofa.

-Urghh! Do you?

-Yeah, then just rub it in.

-Keep rubbing till it's gone, cocker.

-I wondered what that smell was,

-now I know.

-Yeah, it was my plops.

-Urghh!

Reporting on money must be a dangerous job

cos you're always wearing a hard hat and high-vis jacket.

Are you scared you'll get a paper cut off a tenner?

Or do you think you'll get slightly grazed by the edges of a 50p?

It's quite dangerous my job, Hacker.

-Come on!

-It is.

-Come on, Steph!

-Some of the things I have to face.

You know, I might get a bit of dust in my eyes. I need goggles.

You know, I don't want to get my nice top ruined.

-What nice top?

-You cheeky thing.

You don't need to worry here, cocker.

The Hacker Time studio is as safe as houses.

Good to hear. APPROACHING WHISTLE

Houses that are about to be demolished, that is.

-This area is part of an urban renewal scheme.

-Is it?

Swathe ye self in those vestiments, my dear.

-I think I need them, don't I, in here.

-It's lovely that.

-Very fetching, isn't it?

-It is. It brings out your eyes...

-The hat's a bit big, though.

-..your yellow eyes.

Stephen, I know you best for presenting Pocket Money Pitch

on CBBC, but what's the basic premise of the show?

So, basically, young entrepreneurs, we call them pitchers,

will come into the vault and they will pitch their business idea.

What a coincidence, cocker, we've got a picture in our studio today.

Will you invest in my new business plan for softer paintbrushes?

I've a reet sensitive canvas.

Er, that's a PICTURE as opposed to a PITCHER.

Oh. Looks like we'd better cancel those other two picture jokes then.

On the show, you have a big blue button just like this.

But what's it for?

It's basically in case any of the pitchers panic,

or they want to ask their buddy a question.

They can press the button and it will pause their pitch.

Ha! You'd never catch me drying up on national television like that.

Right, next question.

Erm...

Oh, no! Oh, no! I can't think of any.

I'm going to have to...

-WHISPERS: Press the button.

-Ah!

What should I ask? I mean, she's so dull.

My advice is wrap up the interview and send her home.

Everybody's probably switched to other channels anyway.

Oi, you two, I can hear you, you know.

This is just a two-dimensional graphic.

Yeah, we didn't think that through, did you?

-Get it out of here.

-APPROACHING WHISTLE

Stephanie, what are your thoughts on lending money to friends?

I think that's quite a nice thing to do, as long as you get it back.

I don't agree with that, cocker.

I once lent Derek McGee a tenor and he wasn't very grateful.

HE SINGS OPERA

I haven't slept for three weeks!

Hu-hu!

Yes, it was all a terrible misunderstanding.

I thought Derek wanted a tenor, but he actually wanted a mezzo-soprano.

-Ba dum tsss!

-Easily done.

Now, I recently opened a savings account, but I've got no interest.

Oh, that's really good, but you need to think, Hacker,

about how you can make...

No, I've got no interest in anything you have to say.

I just wanted to boast about my banking products.

-Ba dum tsss!

-HE LAUGHS

Seriously, though, what's the quickest way to make some dough?

You need to think about maybe setting up a business

or a service you could offer that someone else doesn't have.

No! The quickest way to make some dough

is by putting it in the food processor.

La-la-la-la-la, bread. Hey!

Now, Stephanie, I'm told you're a champion Irish dancer.

I was all right at it, yeah, back in the day.

-Well, let's see you do it, then.

-All right, then.

I've got to take my shoes off, though. Is that all right?

-It's all right, I'll hold my breath.

-Here we go. And the hat.

IRISH DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Wow! A talent like that, you could really put bread on the table.

-Thanks.

-Yeah, you danced so fast

-that you inadvertently kneeded that dough into a loaf of bread.

-No way.

I didn't know I could do that.

Now, I'm a pretty good bargain spotter, just like you, cocker.

I recently bought this Ming Dynasty vase

-for just 45 little brown envelopes.

-Really?

Yeah. The trouble is, I've ruined it by covering it in spots.

Do you get it? Do you get it?

Bargain spotter. Spotty vase.

I've put spots on the vase.

I've put spots on a bargain.

I'm a bargain spotter. Do you understand, Steph?

-I think I've got it.

-I'm sure it's still in good enough condition

-to make me rich.

-I'm not so sure. APPROACHING WHISTLE

No!

Well, that wrecking ball's been in enough times to stop being funny.

-You could probably take the hat off now.

-I don't trust you.

What a thoroughly safe interview.

APPROACHING WHISTLE

Ohh! Oh, my spine!

Oh, how awful.

She's crushed that loaf of bread from earlier.

Larry, cut to summat else.

Now on Hacker Time, can anything help save the hotel

from bad reviews?

Let's find out in today's edition of The Accommodation Place.

Enjoy a stay by the calming sea...

..experience a warm welcome...

Madam.

Oh, get out of the way.

..and indulge in gourmet food.

This isn't just any accommodation place,

this is THE Accommodation Place.

It's Wednesday and there's some bad news

at the Best Opulent Tip-top Ostentatious Metropolitan hotel.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-B.O.T.T.O.M.

We've got a one-star rating out of five on hotelwhingers.com.

Oh, no!

Marjorie from Egbert, says, "This place is a joke.

"I checked into my room and the bed wasn't even made."

Do you have an Allen key, by any chance?

And Leslie from Abergavenny, says,

"I paid for a sea view and I got nothing of the sort."

SHE SPLUTTERS

And Albert, from Salisbury, says...

.."The complimentary towel was not what I expected."

I don't know where Salisbury is.

I like your hair.

HE SHRIEKS

If we're going to get our rating up,

we're really going to have to improve our customer service.

-But how?

-Hello, there. Can I check in, please?

Be quiet! Can't you see we're trying to think of ways to improve

our customer service?

Now get out of here, you waste of space!

-Go on!

-HE YELLS AND SHOUTS

HE WOOFS

Sometimes guests will threaten to post a bad review of the hotel

on hotelwhingers.com

unless you pander to their every need.

Woohoo! Now, what can I get you?

I want a panda for my every need.

But I don't think we have them in this country.

I want a panda.

I shall write a review.

-Yes, madam. Of course, madam.

-HE WHIMPERS

-CAR SCREECHS TO A HALT

-South Central China, please.

To help us improve

our hotelwhingers.com rating, I've called in

the world's top customer service guru, Mack McMack.

Customer service is all about being positive.

Now, go on, little dog, say something positive

to your valued co-worker.

Tony...

..I really look forward to coming to work every day...

That's good, that's great.

..so I can laugh at your big ugly face.

HE LAUGHS

-Look at it, it's big...and ugly.

-OK, OK, OK.

Well, that's something we can work on.

I'm being extra helpful to the hotel guests today

to try and get our rating up.

Can I take your bag, sir?

Oh, yes, well, thank you.

Yes, there you are.

-The wife will love this. Oh, she'll love it.

-Yeah...

Ah, here is your panda, madam, just over there.

-Hello.

-Huh!

-I've changed my mind. I want a salad.

-But...

Ah-ah-ah!

-Of course, madam.

-HE WHIMPERS

The next thing I'd like to teach is trust.

Now, you've got to trust each other before the customers can trust you.

Tony, I want you to fall backwards with your eyes closed

and, Susan, I want you to catch him.

No worries, cocker, I will not get distracted.

I will not get distracted.

I will not... Oh, look at my shoes.

OK, OK, that's something we can work on.

I think I've bruised my coccyx.

Is everything to your satisfaction?

No. These gold bars are too cold.

Get us some fresh warm ones.

But they're always cold and I'm only paid the minimum wage.

-HE WHIMPERS

-And the most important thing

is to maintain a calm and peaceful atmosphere.

No problem.

HE BREAKS WIND

Right, that's it, I've had enough.

No amount of positivity can improve this hotel.

You're all doomed.

Do you think it was something I said?

I'll just end up being about an inch shorter, the doctor said.

Oh, no.

We spent so long doing all that training,

we forgot to do our proper job - manning the reception.

And now there's a massive queue.

Our rating will be lower than ever.

Oh, no, we've all come to stay since you've hired

that lovely new receptionist.

I like your hair.

Oh, she's so complimentary.

Oh, look, we are now a five-star rated hotel.

I've never owned a five-star rated hotel before.

You don't.

We own it.

Your waiter signed over the hotel to us,

so we wouldn't write a bad review.

But we're still going to.

-I think I'm going to faint.

-Don't worry, Tony, I've got you.

Oh, look, my shoes.

Oh, he's...

Please don't write a review of this episode on tvshowwhingers.com.

Remember that hotel we visited that had zero stars

-and was described as a cesspit?

-I do.

-Never had a better holiday.

-THEY LAUGH

You're watching Hacker Time.

Brought to you in association with Auntie Marigold's Trump Tablets -

-for bottoms, they're tops!

-HE BREAKS WIND

Mr Derek.

Every time I have a little break.

Yes, Herman?

I was wondering, is there any chance I could have an on-screen role?

Certainly.

You can have this bread roll that was on screen earlier.

Oh, no, I mean can I have a go at presenting the show?

I'm a much better interviewer than Hacker.

-Prove it.

-So, for example, if I were to interview this...

..this water cooler, I'd ask it the following questions.

How many litres of water do you dispense a day?

What is the highest number of bubbles that you have produced?

Do you favour plastic or paper cups?

Oh, Herman, that was amazing, extraordinary, fascinating.

Thank you very much.

This water cooler would make a brilliant guest on Hacker Time.

Come on, water cooler, let's discuss your contract.

Hu-hu!

-HE SIGHS

-Keep reaching for the stars, Herman.

Reaching for the stars.

Coming back to studio in three, two, one...

And cue!

You're a brilliant guest,

but there's one thing I've always wanted to know about you,

how many litres do you dispense a day?

Oh, this isn't working.

-Steph, get back here. Come on, cocker.

-I'm coming.

You talk about money a lot, but what would you do

if you had all the riches in the world?

Well, I'd like to think I would do something lovely with it like maybe,

you know, provide money for the poor,

but I'd probably spend a fair bit of it on shoes as well, to be honest.

Good thinking. I know what I would do if I was rich beyond belief.

# I'd eat meat paste off golden plates

# Save my cash at higher interest rates

# Sail my yacht and hit the slopes

# Buy even more little brown envelopes

# I'd fill my house with nylon towels

# Purchase seven diamante owls

# I'd book my flight and pack my case

# And finally get out of this grim workplace. #

See you, losers.

# I'd buy a bigger van. #

What about me?

# Well, I'd send you... #

Yes?

# To Turkmenistan. #

Wilf!

# I'd use my vast reserves of dough to fund my very own TV show

# I'd use my vast reserves of sway so it never sees the light of day

# Our lives would be so sublime cos that would be the end of Hacker Time

# We wouldn't have to make this trash

# If we only had a bit of cash

# We wouldn't have to make this trash if we only had a bit of...

# Only had a bit of... Only had a bit of cash! #

Huh-hu!

-What do you think about that, cockers?

-That was amazing.

-Proper catchy.

-It was dead good, weren't it?

-BELL RINGS

-That's lunch. Are you hungry, Steph?

I'm starving.

In that case, I hope you've brought your own sandwiches,

you're not freeloading from our catering van. See you.

All right, it's not a race, it's not a race.

Oh, what about me?

THEY SHOUT EXCITEDLY

Ahhh!

Wilfred, I've made a decision. We need to start doing deliveries.

Right ahead of you. This is the third baby I've delivered today.

I'm part-timing as a midwife.

No, I mean food deliveries.

Look, I've set up a website

so that people can call in their orders online.

Pretty soon, this computer will start pinging away.

REPEATED PINGS

-See.

-Sorry, I'm also part-timing as a triangle player in an orchestra.

Forget the computer. Maybe we'll get a call instead.

-Well, the phone is ringing.

-Really?

Yeah, it's wringing wet look. I dropped it in the sink earlier.

It's not easy holding three jobs and a phone.

-Wilf...

-PHONE RINGS

Oh, a customer.

Hello, Breadbin Deliveries.

Yeah, I'd like to order the lobster thermidor and mushy peas, please.

-Certainly. Where are you?

-Right next to you.

I've been waiting for you to serve me for the last five minutes.

Oh, I'm sorry, we don't deliver that far.

Now get lost!

Hey, do you know, this might be our best idea yet.

I'll fire up the van.

# Van, van, van, van, van-van

# Vans are great. #

And now we present an informative sketch on how to make money.

It's Hacker and Steph in Pocket Money Pooch.

Right, Hacker, you and I have one thing in common,

we both want to be rich.

I know. Rich is such a great guy, look at him.

-Who wouldn't want to be him?

-It's a shame he's so poor.

I can't even afford clothes.

But we also want to make lots of money,

so we need to come up with the next big invention.

Don't worry, I've created the best thing since sliced bread.

What is it?

-Unsliced bread.

-Ba dum tsss!

Oi! That's my on-screen roll.

No, we need to think of something people actually need.

I've got it...

Bread again. People need bread.

They kneed it with their hands. Do you get it?

Kneed. Need. Oh, please yourself.

No, have you actually ever invented anything?

Yes. I introduced the world to the selfie stick.

-Did you?

-Yeah. Here she is now.

Out of my way, losers. It's all about me, me, me!

No, that's not a SELFIE stick, that's a SELFISH stick.

So? Those selfish sticks have really taken off.

-Really?

-We've got branches everywhere.

-Ba dum tsss!

-Get out!

Have you actually got any ideas?

Well, I have had a brainwave.

-Have you?

-Yeah, look.

Hacker, you really need to start thinking outside the box.

I can't. I'm stuck inside this box of comedy props from this sketch.

Seriously, though, if you carry on like this,

-you're never going to make the big bucks.

-But I have.

I've written this big book about how I escaped from that box.

-That's it, I'm off.

-But, Steph, I have actually invented something.

-A real-life time machine.

-That's amazing.

Yeah, look, this wristwatch. What an amazing time machine.

Hacker, wristwatches have already been invented.

Oh, in that case, there's only one thing for it.

I'll go back in time and invent them myself

using this time machine that I've also just invented. Good day.

# Da-da-da-da-da, di-di-di-di-di, time! #

What has happened to my career?

Father, what would you do if you had a time machine?

I'd go back to before this episode started

-and switch over to Bargain Hunt.

-Good choice.

If you're a fan of high-quality singing,

look away now and close those ears.

It's time for Lost And Found...

And Lost Again.

Oh, I can't do it.

I just can't come up with an original song.

How do you do it, Luke?

I'll tell you.

# Song writing is so easy

# Take some words and make them cheesy

# Try to make them rhyme

# I'd like to, but I don't have the capacity

# Once you've found your catchy tune

# You will get there pretty soon

# I think I've written my first song

# Blah-blah, blah-blah Was that wrong?

# You need to find some inspiration

# Cure my writer's constipation

# I can smell your desperation. #

-That's not my desperation, cocker.

-Urgh!

# Tried to write myself a ballad

# About a sad and lonely mallard

# Got distracted by this salad. #

It's full of fibre, which is good for constipation.

# Listen to some jazz or rock to help you lift your writer's block

# What's that smell? Is that your sock? #

No, that's my desperation.

# Right that does it, time to quit

# You've got no rhythm, skill or wit

# But wait, I've found myself a hit. #

Oh, really? What's the theme?

# It's not about love or emotion

# Heartbreak, triumph or devotion

# This song's about my bowel motions

# Bowel motions! #

HE BREAKS WIND

And now we come to the climax of the show,

the quiz that we like to call...

# Beam My Guest

# Beam My Guest

-ALL:

-# Beam My Guest

# Beam My Guest. #

Yes, Stephanie Arnold McGovern, how much would you like to go home?

-This much.

-That's a big amount, cocker.

Well, now's your chance.

You are standing in my state-of-the-art teleporter,

which I failed to mention when we were inventing things earlier.

Very good, it looks and feels quite nice, actually.

I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.

Fail miserably however and you go somewhere horrific.

-How does that sound?

-Where's horrific?

-You'll find out later, cockers.

-Oh, no.

The time will end when you hear this sound...

WATER COOLER GURGLES

-Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

In that case, start the clock.

Complete the name of this BBC Breakfast programme.

-BBC...

-Breakfast.

No. It's BBC News At Ten.

I watch it at breakfast time on catch up.

What does FTSE stand for?

It stands for the Financial Times Stock Exchange.

No. Footsie stands for about three hours

before its leggsy gets tiredsy.

Time for a new item called

What's Louise Minchin Going To Minchin Next?

Here's your BBC Breakfast colleague, Louise Minchin.

You just have to tell us what she's going to Minchin next.

Good morning, I'm Louise Minchin and you're watching...

Breakfast.

Let's see if you're right.

Good morning, I'm Louise Minchin and you're watching...

a new item, which we like to call

What's Louise Minchin Going To Minchin Next.

You were wrong, cocker.

Whose face appears on a £5 note?

-Elizabeth Fry.

-No.

Wilf's face appears on a £5 note every night.

He sleeps on a £5 note because he can't afford a bed.

HE MUMBLES

It's the picture round.

We've disguised one of your Breakfast colleagues, but who is it?

Charlie Stayt.

No, it's Albert Breakfast Face, who works in the office.

He actually has a continental breakfast for a face.

Time's up. How did she score, Lorraine?

Well, I don't know, I wasn't watching that rubbish.

Wow! That's our highest score yet.

-That means you're going home, Steph.

-Yes!

-What do you think about that, cocker?

-Get in!

-Looking forward to it.

-Time to Beam My Guest.

Herman, make sure you pull the right lever.

-I will, Mr Hacker. I will.

-HE LAUGHS

Ah! No! No!

Let me out.

I don't know where she's gone, but I'm sure she'll be fine.

HE GRUNTS AND GRUMBLES

That's almost it for today.

I'm off to listen to some inaccessible jazz on Radio 2.

But first, there's a small matter of my lovely end song.

Sing along if you want to.

I mean, you don't have to.

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, there's been joy, fun and laughter

# This could be the year we win our first BAFTA

# Join us again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer

# Steph McGovern popped along to talk about Pocket Money

# She did a little Irish jig and got hit by a wrecking ball

# Which you have to admit was terribly funny

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Gu-gu-gu-gu-gu, see ya!