Isabel Clifton & Matthew Ashford Hacker Time

One minute to on air, everyone!

Right, Lorraine, it's time for us to go green.

But you already are green!

No! I mean we need to start saving energy.

Oh, well, that's fine by me.

-I could do with a nap.

-I'm being serious!

Oh, we're not hitting our environmental targets.

All right, I'll try and hit this environmental target.

It's an endangered waterfowl.

No! No, no, no! Wilf!

Oh, dear. Our ecological record is a disaster.

Oh, tell me about it!

It only reached 943 in the charts.

By the way, I powered the recording studio

-with non-renewable fossil fuel.

-Well, that does it!

We need to start recycling this instant.

But we already are!

Every joke in this series is recycled.

BA-DUM-TISH! Including that one.

We used it in series five, episode seven.

Perfect! Run the titles.

# You gonna watch this?

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this!

HE RAPS: # My, my, my, my programme hits you

# So hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back - don't move too much

# This is the show - ah! - you can't touch. #

Stop - Hacker Time!

Thank you.

Standby, everyone, we're on air in five seconds.

-Four...

-Wilf...

-..three...

-..are the celebrity guests here?

-WILF:

-They're coming now.

-Excuse me, I'm Isabel Clifton.

-I'm Matthew Ashford.

And we're here to film an episode of Hetty Feather.

Certainly, madams. But don't you need to use the lavatory first?

Oh, no, I'm all right.

-Go on, there's always time for a privy break.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, shut the door, you'll like it in there.

-OK.

Ready, Hacker!

This is going to be off the chain.

SCREAMING

Right, now you need the toilet.

No, no, I really don't. What's going on?

Why is there screaming?

What's this fake toilet sign about?

-I'd go in if I was you, just have a little look.

-Something's going on.

You're right, shut the door if you want. Ready, Hacker!

Good! Nice of him to drop in.

HE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

THEY SCREAM

Ladies and gentlemen, from Hetty Feather,

it's Isabel Clifton and Matthew Ashford!

-Sorry, Izzie, are you OK?

-Are you OK?

Welcome to Hacker Time!

-Oh, no, no, we're not doing this.

-No, we're escaping.

-Well, good luck!

You've been trying to escape from that hospital for two series

and you haven't got anywhere. Hey, talking of which,

here's someone who'll definitely stop you leaving!

-THEY GASP

-You all right, cockers?

Yes. It's your old friend Matron Bottomley!

-Ha-ha, Matron.

-All right, OK, we'll stay.

-Yeah.

Good. Now to find out why you're both here wasting my time.

Derek, play the fact file!

Hey, that's my line!

I'm livid!

I do hope that's a recycled cardboard cutout!

-What's this?

-They've painted it the wrong colour.

-Derek?

-Wrong button.

-I stood on the plug again, Barbara!

-That's better.

Isabel Clifton and Matthew Ashford star in CBBC's Hetty Feather.

Isabel plays Hetty,

who enjoys nowt more than doing drawings of thin air

and mailing herself off on adventures.

Whilst Matthew plays Mr Cranbourne,

who is very good at looking confused in a variety of locations.

By a brick wall,

by a plain wall,

and by a sheet being projected with an image of a spider.

So, that's Isabel and Matthew.

Oh, look!

He's glued his thumbs to the inside of his waistcoat!

So, that's who you are!

Now, do you promise that you definitely won't escape?

Mm...

Let's not make any promises here.

Well, in that case, I'll do what your matron does

and bribe you with these toffees!

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Well, I love a toffee.

-Yeah.

-That'll work.

And in line with our new green policy, those toffees are recycled.

I've been chewing them for weeks!

Yeah, it's funny because they're eating my saliva!

Lolly, what else is coming up on today's show?

Oi, I've warned you!

If you dislike costume dramas, then you'll hate today's show

because it's all about costume drama.

Coming up...

witness an alarmed pineapple...

..a bird emerging from a barrel...

..and a talking pair of trousers.

Fancy joining me for a quick spin?

Now, that's TV.

Why, it looks like the usual steaming pile

of so-called entertainment, doesn't it?

Now, question one. On Hetty Feather,

you wear old-fashioned, tatty, rancid clothing.

Why didn't you change out of it today?

Seriously, though. What has the series taught you

about life in Victorian times?

I think it's taught me that life was a lot harder.

-Yeah.

-Slower, smellier.

-There wasn't any like running water

-or anything like that.

-No running water.

-No.

But don't you think life would be easier without running water? Look!

You can't catch me!

It's me own fault.

I should've bought STILL water!

Hey, do you get it? BA-DUM-TISH!

Still water!

Hacker, stop wasting water!

You'll have to re-use that comedy prop at least three times

-in this interview.

-No problem.

Matthew, what's your favourite nonstatic liquid?

Say running water.

-Erm...

-Oh, running water, I think.

-Correct!

GIGGLING

Do you remember that episode of Hetty Feather when they held

that TV talent show in the Foundling Hospital?

Er...

-No.

-No.

-They did! They did!

Take a look at this with your eyes and modern-day facial areas.

First candidate, please.

-Name?

-Hacker T Dog, ma'am.

And I will be singing Baby by Justin Bieber for you today.

Are you of good character, may I ask?

Well, I've got me own show, cocker,

so someone must like me somewhere!

All right, here goes. You're going to like this.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

# Baby, baby, baby, ooh

# Baby, baby, baby, ooooh. #

Your baby is accepted.

-Huzzah! I knew it!

-Matron?

-I must agree.

-Make way, Victorian London!

A star is born!

Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha! La-la-la!

Well, what do you think about that, cocker?

-Yeah, I like your scene, it was good.

-I thought it was rubbish!

-It was a bit rubbish, wasn't it, cocker?

-That wasn't very nice.

Hetty Feather is a costume drama.

I thought a costume drama was something else altogether.

I love you, my darling!

And I you.

Fancy joining me for a quick spin?

Actually, I have something to tell you.

I'm made of non-fast colours.

You don't mean...

Yes! I can only be washed at 30 degrees on the delicate cycle.

We can never be together!

Nooo!

TRAIN WHISTLES

It was for the best. It's terrible when things run.

GIGGLING

Tell us about this secret meeting place you have on Hetty Feather.

Well, Hetty and her friends have, like, a tower

and they go there, like, at night

and they just, like, tell scary stories

and take the mickey out of Cranbourne and Matron.

We have a secret meeting place where we hatch plans.

But I'm not telling you where it is.

Excuse me one minute. NEON LIGHTS BUZZ

Erm, we need to get rid of these two. Especially him.

He's duller than my dressing room carpet.

You could always get him to glue his thumbs inside of his waistcoat.

Excuse me, I can hear you, you know.

I don't believe it!

Those neon lights are wasting even more energy.

Well, in that case, let's turn the power off for the next question.

Matthew, I understand you have a very unusual party piece.

Would you mind showing us?

As it's you, yeah. No, I'm more than happy to do it for you.

-Belting. Go on, then.

-OK. Hold tight.

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

OOHING

HACKER GASPS

AHHING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ooh.

That amazed and sickened me in equal measure.

Yeah, I think we'd better leave it there, cocker.

What a terrible interview!

Oh, did somebody say water?

Cut to something else!

Now on Hacker time,

treasure this moment as it's the final adventure of

Admiral Lawnmower.

It's been 17 days since my last log.

I think I need more fibre in me diet.

HE FARTS

That's better.

Anyway, as we near the end of our voyage,

wealth and happiness is within my reach.

Jim!

Could you pass me that copy of Wealth and Happiness magazine?

-Yes, Admiral.

-Although, technically, it is within your reach.

Now, crew, we've been through a lot on this journey.

There was the time we were hit by that terrible gale.

You leave my David alone!

There was the time we battled a very strong current.

SHOUTING

-I've never seen a stronger currant!

-How dare you?

I'm a sultana!

And there was the time the hull had a leak in it.

Lieutenant Leek, what are you doing down here?

I'm just drilling a massive big hole in the bottom of the ship, sir!

Very good. Carry on.

And now we are almost at our destination,

where X marks the spot.

Surely we could have taken a shorter route?

Sorry, this isn't the route.

It's a portrait of my new friend, Map-like Jonathan.

I was created just for this gag!

The writers aren't even trying any more.

This is the route.

And we have just one final hurdle to face before we reach fortune

and contentment.

GASPING

Jim, could you step over that hurdle

and pass me a copy of Fortune and Contentment magazine?

I can't even read!

We're finally here!

I never thought we'd make it through that horrific wind.

Tell me about it!

SHE FARTS

Oh, I think Gail needs more fibre in her diet!

Admiral, we can finally go ashore.

ALL: Huzzah!

But before we do, I need to take a leak.

Come on, Lieutenant Leek. We're going ashore!

BIRD SQUAWKS

According to the map, the X should be around somewhere here.

But where?

Er, Admiral?

I wonder what treasure could be buried beneath!

-Gold?

-Jewels?

12 millimetre brass wing nuts?

What are you lot talking about?

This IS the treasure!

I've always wanted a giant X.

You mean we came all that way for this?

Oh, no. I've also found untold riches buried beneath.

CHEERING

Yes.

This copy of Untold Riches magazine!

CHEERING

Now, everybody, back on board for another long and pointless journey.

Nwyah!

-ALL:

-Nwyah!

Admiral, if that X is so valuable, what's it made of?

Solid lead, cockers!

CRACKING

What am I like?

BUBBLING

Was that the final episode? I really hope not!

But why? Did you enjoy it, Father?

No, not really.

But I am stuck to this couch and I can't reach the remote!

You're watching Hacker Time,

sponsored by Tadcaster Car Park Museum.

All the history of all the car parks under one badly maintained roof.

Mr Derek!

Oh, here we go again.

Yes, Herman?

Have you thought any more about me becoming the co-presenter

-of Hacker Time?

-Yes!

HERMAN GASPS

And the answer is no.

You just don't look right.

But I could change me clothes!

-Ta-da!

-No.

Well, I could change me hair!

Ta-da!

No.

Well, it could change me face!

Look.

Wait! That's exactly the look we need!

Nobody else could have such a unique look.

Herman, you've got the j...!

Excuse me, I'm looking for the toilet.

And you've found it.

Welcome to Hacker Time, new co-presenter.

Hoo-hoo!

It's not fair.

Coming back to studio in three, two, one...

And cue!

Welcome back to Hacker Time with me, whatever I am,

and my co-presenter, Hacker T Dog.

Isn't she terrific?

And best of all, her face is 100% recycled.

Now, Isabel and Matthew,

what is it like spending so much of your time in the past?

Well, it's very different to the modern day.

And it's, like, really exciting, because you get to see

-all the different props and what it was like back then.

-You're lucky!

I'd love to live in the years gone by.

And I shall demonstrate this via the medium o' song.

Oh!

# Oh, life is too cheerful when you're stuck in the present

# I wish I could travel to an age far less pleasant

# I want to live in the harrowing past

# I'd incarcerate urchins in a filthy workhouse

# Or be the Henry VIII and lop the head off my spouse

# If he could live in the harrowing past

# I'd go to Ancient Rome and be an evil dictator

# Or be Lizzie I and dish out knighthoods for taters

# I'd be all discontented just like Richard III

# In the Jurassic Age I'd step in dinosaur droppings

# I'd have only one ear just like Vincent van Gogh

# Or be a Bronte sister and develop a cough... #

HE COUGHS

# That's how I'd live in the harrowing past! #

Yesteryear!

-What do you think of that, cockers?

-It was very good.

It was brilliant. I thought the vibrato was marvellous, darling!

Quality vibrato. Th... BELL RINGS

Ooh, that's lunch. But not for you Victorians!

-See you!

-Bye!

I hope it's not weevils.

Think we're going to get any lunch?

-Wilfred?

-Hm?

-In honour of today's guests,

I've decided to serve only historic food.

I've made a series of menus inspired by different eras in history.

The customers will love this authentic dining experience.

Hello! What have you got on the Caveman menu?

A club sandwich.

-Sounds delicious!

-Yeah, there's the sandwich.

-Mm.

And here's the club!

Ow!

What's on the Ice Age menu?

Oh, some fish fingers we forgot to defrost.

Anything good on the Roman menu?

No idea. It keeps ROAMING about all over the place.

Actually, forget the past.

I'll have something from your futuristic menu.

Excellent choice!

Here you go.

But where's the food?

In the future, of course!

That'll be £3 million, please.

-Prices have gone up in the future.

-Well, that's great value!

Bye!

Hey, come back! He hasn't paid us!

-I know. I'm going to pay you in the future.

-Oh!

I'll fire up the van...

in the present!

BELL RINGS

And now, we present a landmark costume drama.

It's Hacker, Isabel and Matthew in Sweaty Heather.

Oh, woe is me.

My name is Sweaty Heather and here in the Brownthing Hospital

I'm nothing but a number.

Oi! What's wrong with that?

You need to learn some manners, young lady!

Oh, look! It's my best friend, Potty.

Why do you look so sad?

Well, mainly because Hacker's making me wear this ridiculous costume.

Stick to the script, Potty.

-All right, sorry.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-I'm sad because I'll never see my borrowed family again.

They were overdue, so I took them back to the library.

-BA-DUM-TISH!

-Oh, look out!

Here comes the fearful Matron Bumley!

25629?

-Yes, Matron?

-I wasn't talking to you, cocker.

I was doing this sudoku puzzle.

BA-DUM-TISH!

What hideous tasks do you have in store for us today, Matron?

First, I want you to press all these towels.

THEY GASP With your index fingers.

Come and have a little go. Press them.

I've been using a nice new fabric conditioner.

-Aren't they nice and soft?

-That is soft, actually.

It's like a moth's body, isn't it?

Have a sniff of that!

Next, I want you to cook all the gruel.

THEY GASP

In this handy microwave oven.

It'll only take two minutes on full power.

That will save you a bit of time, won't it? DING!

Finally, I want you to scrub every hour of the day.

-THEY GASP

-(Every hour of the day?)

On this tiny little clock, look.

It's so small, it'll only take you a second to clean it.

-That's easy, isn't it?

-That does it, Matron.

We're looking for a way to escape!

Well, it's easy, cocker. It's there, top left on your keyboard, by F1.

No, we want to get away from this place!

Oh, good luck with that.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, he's angry with you for filleting all his mates yesterday.

-SPLASH!

-There's only one thing for it.

We'll have to dig our way out using forks and spoons.

-Brilliant! There's no way Matron can ruin this plan.

-No.

Attention. From now on, I'm banning all cutlery.

And replacing it with industrial digging equipment like this.

So that's convenient, isn't it?

Right, we're not standing for this any more!

Oh, have a little seat, then you'll be all right.

-Have a sit down.

-No, no.

You're making everything far too easy for us!

Yeah, we want this to be an accurate portrayal

-of the Victorian lifestyle!

-Exactly.

-Oh, you should have said so.

In that case, one helping of harsh Victorian working conditions

coming up. Fade to black!

PIANO MUSIC

Yup. They were dark, dark times back then.

Now, get scrubbing these skeletons, you worthless wretches!

You're not really dead.

But in other news, you do both have Victorian illnesses.

-MUSIC SCREECHES

-Oh, that's all right, then.

-Yeah.

CHEERING

CRYING

Father! Why are you crying?

Because that deadly Victorian illness was my mother!

EASTENDERS DOOF-DOOFS PLAY

Oh, good.

Oh, EastEnders is on! Oh, better than this Hacker Time rubbish.

Now on Hacker Time, it's time to join Luke and Leia

for more Lost & Found...

& Lost Again.

Don't you look smart, Luke! Are you up in court again?

Well, yeah, but I've also become a romantic crooner

and my first song is all about you, Leia.

SHE SCREAMS

# Maybe it's that smile

# Or that stolen glance

# Or the soft and sultry way she trumps each time we dance... #

FARTING

# Or the tender words she whispers in my ear... #

Bottom.

# She's the hottest girl in the northern hemisphere... #

That's because I can't control the central heating!

# Maybe it's her eyes

# Or her tiny nose

# Or the fact she eats the cheese that grows between her toes... #

Hm, brie!

# Or the free and easy way she urinates... #

Oh, I needed that!

# That's why I won't be

# Asking for a date. #

Oh, I can't believe you won't ask me for a date!

I've got loads of them!

Oh, well, that changes everything because I love dates and...

Leia, will you go out on a date with me?

Yes!

Has anyone ever told you how soft and sultry your trumps are?

SHE FARTS

And now, we come to the climax of the show -

the quiz that we like to call...

# Beam My Guests

# Beam My Guests!

# Beam My Guests! #

Beam them!

Beam me guests, indeed.

Isabel and Matthew, how much do you want to go home?

-Really want to go home.

-Yeah, we're ready to go home now, yeah.

Well, now's your chance.

You are standing in my genuine space age teleporter.

-What do you think, cocker?

-Very impressive.

-Very cool.

I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.

Fail miserably however, and you'll go somewhere horrific.

The time will end when you hear this noise.

I'm doing a cardio work-out!

Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-In that case, start the clock!

What period is Hetty Feather set in?

-Victorian.

-Victorian.

-Victorian.

No, it's the free period between Geography and English.

Complete this famous Queen Victoria quote. "We are not..."

-Amused!

-Yes! She was watching the episode of Hacker Time

we recycled all these jokes from. Ha-ha!

It's the music round!

Please welcome my chum, confidant

and everyone's favourite winkle picker,

it's Accordion George!

# It's Accordion George, yes!

# It's Accordion George, look at him there!

# It's Accordion George

# Accy G! Acc-acc-acc! #

It's the big G, it's Accordion G. Give us a wave, Accy.

Give him a polite wave back.

Don't be too friendly with him, he doesn't like that sort of thing.

Now, Accordion George is going to play you a fabulous tune

on his lovely rent-to-buy acc.

He's going to play you a great tune, you've got to guess what it is.

-Are you ready, cockers?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yes.

-Take it away, Accordion G!

Well, you've no chance, cocker, but give it a guess.

Um, Is it Stitches by Shawn Mendes?

Let's find out!

# You watch me bleed until I can't breathe... #

-Yeah!

-Dance along, G!

# Shakin', fallin' onto my knees

# And now that I'm without your kisses

# I'll be needing stitches... #

It was correct. I mean, I'm not sure how on earth you got it.

It sounded like he put the sheet music through the wash!

On a spin cycle!

Talking of spin cycles, get rid of him!

Goodbye, Accordion G!

Give him a big wave. And mind your shins, Acc.

Bye.

Who wrote Hetty Feather?

-Jacqueline...

-Wilson!

-Yes.

No, I did, just now. Look. BA-DUM-TISH!

Complete the title of this Victorian novel. Oliver...

-Twist.

-Twist!

-Very well.

Complete the title of this Victorian novel.

I'm doing a cardio work-out!

Oh, time's up!

How did they do, Lorraine?

Don't know. I was saving paper so I didn't write anything down.

That's our highest score this episode

which means you're going home.

-What do you think about that, cockers?

-Yes!

-Brilliant!

-Yes!

-Brilliant.

-It's time to go home!

-Yeah.

-Belting. It's time to Beam My Guest.

Oh, and Herman?

Make sure you don't accidentally send them somewhere dreadful!

-Don't worry, Mr Hacker!

-HE LAUGHS

-No, don't!

-Hacker, no!

-Hacker!

I'm sure they're both fine.

Cute-ish.

That's almost it for today.

I'm off to rearrange me patio furniture and de-mould the decking.

But first, I shall leave you with my hideous end song.

Join in, cockers!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, there's been joy, fun and laughter

# This could be the year we win our first Bafta!

# Join again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer

# Isabel and Matthew dropped on by

# Matthew did a strange party piece

# We had a lot of running gags

# And I bought an industrial drill

# And my guests succumbed to a Victorian disease

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

-Thanks for watching my show, cockers.

-Oh, Matron!