Alison Hammond Hacker Time

-One minute to on-air, everyone. Stop that.

-Right, you lot.

You've all become far too obsessed with the new social media site,

Life Brag.

-Especially you, Lolly. Lolly? Lolly!

-Oh, PM me.

-Oh! At least you'll listen to me, Wilf.

-Sorry, can't talk.

I'm too busy crafting my public image with a series of selfies.

Me in a doorway. Hey!

Me by a plant. Hey!

-Wilf, if this goes on, I'll have to fire you!

-Great!

Me being fired, hey!

That does it.

If one more person gets distracted by Life Brag, I'm going to scream.

Are you all right, cockers? I'm about to post a video.

Arrrrgggghhhh!

This VHS video. I need to post it back to the 1980s.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Oh, but will someone post a video of me doing it?

I'm so angry, I can't...I can't...I can't...

Post a cryptic message about it on Life Brag.

# You gonna watch this?

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this! #

-HE RAPS:

-My, my, my, my programme hits you

So hard Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

Thank you for watching me

It's telly, but not what you normally see

It feels good, there's outtakes too Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

So sit back - don't move too much

This is the show - ah! - you can't touch.

-Stop!

-Hacker time. Thank you.

OK, stand by everyone. We're on-air in five, four...

Wilf, is the celebrity guest here?

She's just coming now. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Hello. Alison Hammond, showbiz reporter.

-I've got a very important meeting.

-Certainly, young man.

But first, you look like you could use a trip to the lavatory.

No, seriously, I don't need the toilet.

-Yeah, go on, get in there.

-Security! Oh, you are security.

Make a bit of room. You can squeeze in there. Get in there, love.

-Ready, Hacker!

-Good.

I've found the perfect outlet for her talents, a sewage outlet.

Aaaaarrrrghhh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Argh!

HE WHISTLES

Aaaarrrgggh!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome showbusiness reporter, Alison Hammond!

Ooh! Argh!

Hacker Time!

Welcome to Hacker Time!

-Sorry, I'm not doing it.

-But Alison!

If you stay, I'll give you some exclusive showbiz gossip.

Go on, then.

That mooey Alison Hammond has been tricked into appearing on my

-show, Hacker Time.

-I don't believe it!

-That's quite good showbiz gossip. I'll stay.

-Hurray!

Now I'm going to find out why I've got to put up with you for

the next half hour. Derek, le fact file!

-Eww!

-Coming up, my little owl.

What's this? That's the wrong button!

Derek, come on! Sort it out quick.

Oh, look, he's chasing a fly. This is the right one.

Alison Hammond is a showbiz reporter on This Morning.

She's interviewed some of the biggest stars in the world,

but we can't afford to show pictures of them.

So here's a photo of an ocelot

next to some loose crazy paving instead. How lovely.

Alison appeared on Strictly Come Dancing,

but it all went adrift when someone put an episode of Hacker Time

on in the middle of her Argentine tango. Ooh-hoo.

Now, you may have spotted Alison in The Dumping Ground, where

she took part in a staring contest refereed by an angle-poise lamp.

And that's next to nothing you need to know about Alison Hammond.

Oh-hey, you're actually quite good, aren't you, cocker?

I'll request you as a friend on Life Brag. Hang on a minute.

There's some sort of technical fault here, probably,

because it says that you've rejected me or something. Ha!

-I'll just try again.

-No, no, no, don't, don't.

-Larry, just tell us what's coming up next.

-That's my line!

Today's show is all about celebrities.

So stay tuned, because you may see one...eventually.

Coming up...

Hacker soils himself again.

-Quick, it's seeping into the underlay.

-That's disgusting.

Someone actually laughs.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

And there's this abomination of choreography. Keep watching!

Showbusiness reporter Alison Hammond.

You're the woman with all the questions.

Could you pass them over here, please,

I can't do the interview without them.

-Ha-ha!

-There you go.

-Cheers, cocker. Question one.

-Could you pass me the questions? Oh! We've done that one.

-Ha-ha-ha!

You interview loads of stars on This Morning.

-But who's the biggest name you've ever met?

-There are so many, babes.

Will Smith? Julia Roberts.

The biggest name I've ever met is my mate John.

-Look.

-Ha-ha-ha! That's a big name!

-I know.

But I'm actually a total nobody, ha-ha.

Hey! Good at it.

Now, Alison Hammond, which celebrity would you most like to meet?

I'd really like to meet Oprah.

Oh-hey! Well, guess what, we asked her to come here today and meet you,

and you're going to love this, she actually said...

No way. She can't stand you. But she did record

you that misleading drumroll. What do you think of This Morning?

Oh, I love This Morning.

Are you talking about the show that I work on or this morning as

-in this morning when I got up?

-Neither.

It's a much worse joke than that.

What do you think of this mourning? Arrrgh! Look!

A mourning of this breakfast I accidentally cremated this morning.

Did you expect that?

I really didn't expect the whole mourning.

-You are funny.

-Thank you.

-I can see you actually working with me.

Make it happen, cocker, cos I'm sick of this show.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Now, Alison.

I've seen you on the telly and I must say, you're really good

-on Red Carpet.

-Oh, thanks, thanks.

So which one suits the colour scheme in here, do you think?

Terracotta travesty or crimson disgrace?

-Um, I like the first one.

-Brings out your eyes.

You're also quick off the mark with the celebrity scoop, aren't you?

Yeah, definitely.

So could you pick up that plastic bag and scoop up what I did

-under the desk, please?

-Eurgh!

-That's why I need a new carpet.

Oh, Hacker!

I love it on This Morning when you do those competitions with

the really hard multiple-choice questions. Do you?

Yeah, I love it too. Yeah.

Well, it's inspired us to do our own version on Hacker Time.

Here's Wilf with all the details.

Yes, this house could be yours.

As well as this yacht and this car,

three ocelots and a roll of clingfilm.

All you have to do is answer this question.

Who is today's guest on Hacker Time. Is it...

Whatever you do, don't answer A

because we can't afford to give you the prizes!

-That's a tough one.

-Tough question, wasn't it, Shalison?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Now, Palison, you're famously from Birmingham.

Do you know our Brummie work-experience boy, Herman?

-Is that Herman Eggleg?

-Yeah.

-Luminous pink skin?

-Yeah.

-Unmanageable hair?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I know him.

He owes me 20 quid from when I bought him a prawn bhuna ages ago.

Alison Hammond, you're normally the one asking the questions, but

today, I want to know all about you! Tell me about your fascinating life.

Oh, it's so nice that you want to hear about my life.

Well, I was actually born in 1975. It's a long time ago.

41 years, can you believe it? I've got a brother...

Life Brag message. He-he.

Yes, Lolly, this IS the dullest guest I've ever had on the show.

Who booked her? What's she going on about her life for?

-What a dull, dull woman.

-I can hear you.

-Eh? Oh! What a mess!

-Eh, ooh...

-Are you going to apologise to me?

No, I was just talking about the mess I've just made under the desk,

Palison. Come and get scooping. Oh, no, it's a runny one.

-PFFFFRRRT!

-I'm coming.

-PFRRT!

-Hey, talking of plop, Larry, cut to something else!

-Quick, it's seeping to the underlay.

-It's disgusting.

Now on Hacker Time you've arrived at your destination.

But has the crew?

It's the Adventures Of Admiral Lawnmower.

Arrr-harrr.

As the world's greatest Admiral, I'm familiar with all the

seas on the planet.

That one's Times New Roman.

Unfortunately, I'm unfamiliar with all

the bodies of water on the planet.

So I got some help.

Men! I'd like you to meet our new navigator. The Navitron 3,000.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

-Very extraordinarily accurate.

-DEREK:

-A lovely wood finish.

It's the latest in early 19th-century sat nav technology.

I'll just type in our destination.

-SAT NAV BEEPS

-The ocean.

-SAT NAV:

-'At the big wet bit go straight ahead

'for 30,000 nautical miles.'

CRUNCH AND SPLASH

We're making water!

RUNNING WATER

And we've also set off.

This device has made everything so easy.

But it doesn't mean we can all relax.

# Club Tropicana drinks are free... #

Like I say, we can't all relax.

Jim lad can do the work for us.

ALL LAUGH

-You're doing a cracking job, boy.

-Thanks Admiral.

No, I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to that life buoy over there.

It's the best flotation device I've ever seen.

Anyway, you, boy,

make us more hake and seaweed smoothies.

-Yes, Admiral.

-Don't answer me back, you worthless pustule of humanity.

# Free

# Fun and sunshine... #

NAUTICAL MUSIC

-SAT NAV:

-'Hello, Jim.'

-Who said that?

-'It was me, Jim.'

'I've seen how badly they treat you. You should teach them a lesson.'

But I'd never betray the crew. They love me!

-I love you, boy.

-You see?

This life buoy from earlier.

Mwaa!

You're right! But how can I get my own back on them?

'Simple. Ahead, walk ten paces and write a rude word on the sail.'

Oh, the humanity! HE WHISTLES

'Turn left into the Admiral's study, and steal ten pieces of eight.'

Seven, eight, nine, ten.

Oh, the humanity! Argh.

'In 300 yards, put something terrible in the stew.'

-Eurgh! What's in this?

-Rosemary.

-Ahhh!

-I hate that herb!

No, Rosemary the ship's cook...

..gave me this recipe. It's parsley.

BOTH: Oh, the humanity!

In totally unrelated news, has anyone seen Rosemary recently?

Right, Jim lad. This is the last straw.

Should have ordered more of these

for those hake and seaweed smoothies.

Also, who's been causing all this trouble on board?

All right, I confess, it was me! Me, I tell you! But she made me do it.

-That sat nav's evil!

-Whatever makes you say that?

-SAT NAV:

-'In three evil miles go left on the evil roundabout.

'First evil exit.'

Oh, I see what the problem is.

She's quite clearly been left on the evil setting.

I don't know why we never noticed this large comedy switch before.

So everything's back to normal. Isn't that right, Jim?

-Jim?

-Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Jim?

-Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Looks like his evil setting is on too.

Oh, terrible things, those sat navs.

I had one once and I just got stuck going in circles.

You were in a petri dish at the time, to be fair.

Good point, father.

You are watching Hacker Time, sponsored by Bumthorpe's Porches.

If you need a porch,

then go to Bumthorpe's Porches because they sell porches.

-Mr Derek.

-Audible sigh.

What can I do for you, Herman?

-Oh, well, it's about me becoming famous. I want to go viral.

-Fine.

-You can have this cold I've been suffering from. Atchoo!

-Oh, no.

But thank you.

No, see, I thought you might like to see my latest vlog on Life Brag.

-All right.

-See. Hi, guys! Sorry I've not vlogged for a while.

So this vlog is all about the last vlog I did,

which was about the vlog I did before that,

which was about the vlog I did before that,

-which was about the vlog I did before that.

-Ooh! Herman!

This is fantastic! You look brilliant! Your voice sounds great.

-This is exactly what I'm looking for.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

The picture and the sound on that tablet are superb.

I think I'll keep it for myself. Bye! Ha-ha!

Oh, well.

-At least I've still got my pride.

-Um, Herman.

Where is my 20 quid for that prawn bhuna?

Coming! Arrrgh! Crash!

-LOLLY:

-Coming back to the studio in three, two, one.

-Cue Hacker!

Now, Alison Hammond, how much do you love your job?

-Oh, I love it so much.

-Oh, I can't stand ANYTHING about my job.

I only do it cos I need the money.

I think I need to demonstrate my harrowing emotions

via the medium of song. Ah!

Ha-ha!

BLUESY MUSIC PLAYS

# Oh, been in this filthy basement for six horrendous years

# I'd've left much sooner but my rent is in arrears

# This show is just a forum for weak and laboured gags...

Oi!

# I'd do a dirty protest but we're running out of bags

# So, listen up, Ms Hammond, for here's some showbiz news

# I've got a case of the Hacker Time series six blues

# That Lolly can't be trusted

# And Wilf's a waste of space

# I'd love to wipe that down-turned smile

# Off of Derek's big green face

# There's only one solution to make this darkness bright

# I'll post a cryptic message on a social media site

# So, listen up, Ms Hammond, for here's showbiz news

# I got a case of the Hacker Time series six blues

# Yeah! #

Oh, mate, that was great. HE SNEEZES

-You should go on The Voice.

-I'm a talented little one, ain't I?

You are. BELL RINGS

-That's lunch. Do you fancy something to eat?

-Yeah, I'm starving.

-That's a shame, you're not invited, cocker. See ya! Ha-ha!

-Thanks.

Come on.

Oi!

Phillip Schofield wouldn't be treated like this.

THEY CLAMOUR

# Every time I look into your eyes

# It's like a burning of 1,000... #

Wilfred, I've had an idea to drum up business.

We're going to have a celebrity menu!

Oh, we did that before, but the menu started making too many demands.

I want the walls painted white,

rose petals on the floor and don't look me in the eye!!

No, I mean celebrity-themed menu.

Every meal will be named after a star.

It'll have the customers flocking in.

-GROWLS:

-Hello, do you have eggs on the menu?

Certainly.

Alison Hammond Eggs.

Eggs Sheeran.

Stephen Fried Egg.

And of course, the fried egg was invented in the fourth century BC

by Wolfgang Amadeus Beethoven.

-GROWLS:

-Maybe I'll just go for the dessert.

How about Semolina Gomez?

Polished off with a Leonardo Di Cappuccino.

What sizes does that come in?

Just the one - Ariana Grande.

Forget everything. I'll just have the Salmon Mark.

-Of course, they are over there.

-Huh?

THEY LAUGH

-THEY GASP

-Delicious!

-SCREAMS:

-Stop trying to eat us!

-THEY SHRIEK

-Oh, come here!

Oh, do you think they will be OK?

I'm not sure.

They might need a bit more seasoning.

I'll fire up the Van...essa Feltz.

BELL RINGS

'Ladies and gentlemen,'

it's the world premiere of Meat Paste, the movie.

So, let's go live to Leicester Square.

Hello, and welcome to Leicester Square.

Now, to go to Wigan where the actual premiere is taking place.

Here's Alison and Hacker on the red carpet.

FANFARE

Hi, everyone, welcome to the Wigan Hippodrome

where the atmosphere is just electric.

Oh, the bill's going to be massive, I better turn the atmosphere off.

SHE GASPS

-Hacker.

-What?

-Plug it back in!

-I'm sorry.

Now, have you seen any big names?

Just the one, my friend John from earlier.

No, I meant, big stars.

Ooh, I've seen plenty of them.

Look, there's Ursa Minor,

there's the Plough

and there's Corona Australis.

Hacker, have you actually ever done anything on the red carpet?

-Yeah, I did this.

-SOMETHING SQUISHY FALLS

-Eurgh!

-This lovely landscape painting.

Aw.

-It's lovely.

-Yeah.

I used it to scoop up my droppings earlier.

Let's interview some celebrities. Did you bring a mic?

Yes, look.

My other big friend, Mike.

No, I meant microphone.

His name is Michael Rafone.

But he is the sound man and he's brought my microphone.

-Right, let's find some famous peeps.

-Let's.

Oh, look. There is Brangelina.

-You mean Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?

-Yeah.

And look, there's Kimye.

-Oh, you mean Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.

-Yeah.

Oh, look, there's Bryan.

Oh, you mean Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds?

No, I mean Brian, my third big named friend.

-I'm the lighting guy.

-Yeah.

Well, I... Oh, look! There's Emma Watson.

-Try and get her attention, go on.

-Will do.

Emma! Emma! Emma!

Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma...

MUFFLED SHOUTS

Why didn't she answer me?

Because that's Tom Cruise.

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, never mind.

Let's interview some peeps about their designer outfits.

OK. Oh, look, there's Wilf!

Wilf, who are you wearing?

I'm wearing Herman.

I couldn't afford a dress.

-Oh...

-Let's move on.

Have you got any showbiz gossip?

Well, I have heard that Jennifer Lawrence has been caught...

HE WHISPERS

Wh-what?

HE WHISPERS What?!

HE WHISPERS What are you saying?

I can't hear a thing!

I'm saying she's been caught whispering.

I couldn't have made it any clearer.

Oh, just a warning to our viewers,

there is some flash photography going on.

Yeah, sorry about that.

-I dropped Herman.

-GASPS

Oh, I didn't need to see that.

Which does mean there's going to be a real celebrity coming.

-Hey, guys! Do you want to ask me a question?

-Yeah!

How did you get past security?

This event is for celebrities only.

What are you talking about? I am a celebrity. I'm on CBBC.

-I...

-Get out of here, you intruder.

-You were not invited here!

-I-I was.

-Who is this?

-No.

-Who are you?

-Not again.

-Who are you?

HE SNIGGERS

Well, Alison, the reviews are in.

What, has everyone watched the movie already?

No, the reviews of our performance on the red carpet.

-We've been sacked.

-Oh, could my day get any worse?

-SHE STAMPS IN SOMETHING SQUISHY

-I'm afraid it could.

You've just stepped in my droppings from earlier. Ha-ha-ha!

-No way!

-It way.

Aw, you're treading it in, love.

I once hung out with a celebrity.

-Really, Father?

-Yes.

I hung out of Phil Tufnell's nose for a week

-when he had a cold.

-Oh.

THEY INHALE AND EXHALE LOUDLY

'If you are a fan of high-quality singing, look away now'

and close those ears. Ha!

It's time for Lost & Found...

..and Lost Again.

# Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, Lost & Found

# And Lost Again. #

It's so easy for me to draw inspiration for songs

because I'm just a small-town guy living in a small-town town.

Well, I'm from a small town too.

And I bet it's way smaller than yours.

Oh, yeah?

# I'm from a small town

# Where people ride on horses

# I'm from an even smaller town

# Where they ride on ants

-BOTH:

-# I'm from a town, a tiny town

# The smallest town in this big old world

# You can't see mine from space

# You can't see mine from a plane

# Well, you can't see mine under a microscope, cocker

# I lived in a two-bedroom house with a family of ten

# Well, I lived in a one-bedroom shoe

# With a family of 23 billion

# I'm from a town, a tiny town

# Mine's the same size as a pea

# I'm from a town, a tiny town

# Mine could be destroyed by a flea

# My town was more of a village

# Well, my town was more of a hamlet

# Well, my town was more of a subatomic particle on an amoeba...

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, it was a...

-HE SNIFFS

..quite difficult upbringing, if I'm honest.

You win.

-BOTH:

-# We're from tiny towns

# But I'm from a significantly tinier town than...

# Hi-i-i-i-im

-WHISPERS:

-# Oh! #

'And now, we come to'

the climax of the show, the quiz that we like to call...

# Beam my guest!

# Beam my guest

-ALL:

-# Beam my guest

# BEAM!

# My guest! Beam! #

Alison Percival Hammond, how much do you want to go home?

I so want to go home. Can you make this happen, please?

Well, now's your chance, cocker.

You are standing in my genuine teleporter,

which I bought on an online auction. What do you think of it?

It's nice. I like the colours.

I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

Get enough right, and you'll be beamed back home.

Fail miserably, however, and you'll be going somewhere horrific.

How does that sound?

That doesn't sound too good, to be honest with you. I want to go home.

The time will end when you hear this sound...

I'm still a total nobody.

-Are you ready?

-Yes, I'm ready.

In that case, start the clock.

What's the name of Brad Pitt's wife?

Angelina Jolie.

No. You didn't let me finish the question.

It was - what's the name of Brad Pitt's wife's husband?

-It's Brad Pitt.

-SHE LAUGHS

Time for the music round now, cocker.

So, let's welcome my old mucker, my confidant

and championship ferret tickler 1973 to 1974,

it's Accordion G.

# It's Accordion George

# It's Accordion George

# Hey, ho, ha

# It's Accordion George

# Acky G. #

The big G! Look, it's Acky G.

Now, Acky G is going to play you a lovely tune on his fantastic

rent-to-buy ack,

-but you've got to guess what he's playing.

-OK.

Take it away, G.

HE PLAYS STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE

Now, what do you think that was, cocker?

Well, it's very familiar to me.

That is the Strictly Come Dancing theme tune.

Let's see if you are right.

MUSIC: Strictly Come Dancing Theme Tune

Dance along, George!

-Love it.

-I don't know how you got that, cocker.

It was appalling, in my opinion.

Goodbye, Acky G.

And mind your shins. We are not insured.

Which of your This Morning's colleagues is called the Silver Fox?

Well, it's Phillip Schofield.

No, it's Dr Chris Steele.

He breaks into kitchen sheds dressed in kitchen foil.

Herman is holding some objects

that represent another of your This Morning's colleagues.

It's some holly, a will and a bee.

But who is it?

That's easy. That's Holly Willoughby.

No, it's Phillip Schofield.

He's left all his money and a sprig of holly to that bee.

I'm still a total nobody.

Time's up. Lorraine, how did she score?

Oh, I've got no idea.

I was too busy on LifeBrag looking at speeded up recipe videos.

Wow, that means you are going home, cocker.

-What do you think about that?

-Oh, it's amazing. Thanks so much.

-Can I go now?

-Well, you just wait on, cocker.

It's time to beam my guest.

Oh, and Herman, make sure you don't accidentally send her to the

worst place in the universe.

-Don't worry, Mr Hacker.

-HE LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY

No, that's the worst place ever. Please stop, stop, stop, stop.

I don't want it go!

I'm sure she's fine.

BUNNY WHEEZES

That is almost it for today.

I'm off to purchase some acrylic clothing

from a well-known high street store,

but first there's the large matter of my disgusting end song.

Join in if you want to.

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing There's been joy, fun and laughter

# This could be the year we win our first BAFTA

# Join again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer

# Ali Hammond dropped on by

# She's the gal with all the showbiz news

# We had a string of big named guests

# But I destroyed the red carpet after depositing a load of poos

# That is for now the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see ya next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #

Of course, Hacker Time was invented in the late 17th century

by The Beatles and a Triceratops named Katie.