Lauren Layfield Hacker Time

-One minute to on-air, everyone.

-HE QUACKS

Right, you lot. It's time to scrub up and look your best.

The show's about to start

and you've all been looking really scruffy lately.

-HE GRUMBLES

-Hmm.

-Hello, Derek.

-Argh!

Lolly, you look terrible.

How dare you!

I just haven't been in to make-up yet. One moment.

There. I'm ready now.

Ooh!

-Well, that's an eye-opener.

-See you.

Wilf, I hope you're wearing something smart,

because you normally look totally rubbish.

-Hello.

-Oh, Wilf.

-Don't worry.

I'm only dressed as a bin because I'm off to a fancy dress party.

Well, at least I can count on the star of the show, Hacker T Dog,

to always look sharp.

You all right, cocker? I'm off to that fancy dress party.

The theme is bins and scissors for some reason.

-Bye!

-HE HUMS CHEERFULLY

Oh. But what about being smartly dressed?

Oh, well. I don't want to be a party pooper.

Ho-ho. Run the titles.

Oh! Whoa!

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this!

-HE RAPS:

-# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back - don't move too much

# This is the show - ah! - you can't touch. #

Stop! Hacker Time.

Thank you.

OK, stand by, everyone. We're on air in five, four...

-Wilf, is the celebrity guest here?

-..three, two, one.

-She's coming now.

-HE LAUGHS

Oh, hi, mate. It's Lauren Layfield here.

I'm here to film The Dengineers.

Yes, certainly, sir, but don't you need the toilet first?

-The toilet?

-Yeah, you might as well nip in.

-No, I don't need the toilet.

-Go on. Wash your hands at least.

-I don't really want...

-Go to the toilet.

-..to go to the toilet.

-Get in.

-Oi!

-Shut the door.

-I don't need the... Oh!

-Shut the door.

..need the toilet.

She's ready, Hacker!

Time toi-LET her in.

Whoa!

SHE SCREAMS

HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY

SHE CONTINUES SCREAMING

Ladies and gentlemen, from CBBC HQ and The Dengineers,

it's Lauren Layfield!

Whoa!

Oh! Oh! Ah!

Welcome to Hacker Time! Ta-dah!

No, whoa. Hang on a second. No, no, no. I didn't agree to this.

Oh, come on, lozenge.

How about I make you a den befitting of your personality

like they do in The Dengineers?

-OK, all right, then. That sounds nice.

-OK.

-Go on, then.

-There you go.

-Take that.

-There's nothing there, is there?

-I know!

I'm implying you have no personality.

That's what I'm doing. It was a kind of joke.

Ha-ha-ha! Ha!

Derek, fire up the fact file for this one.

No problemo, Hacker.

-What's this? Who's that?

-OVER TV:

-'Cactus, cactus...'

'This is one time when a dozen chickens...'

Chickens on a plane? Don't think so. Change that.

-It's that button there.

-'Cactus! More cactus! Hat!'

Oh, no, this is it.

Lauren Layfield is a presenter on CBBC who's brave enough

to team up blue with blue.

Despite presenting The Dengineers, she can't afford a real house

so has to live inside this cartoon drawing of one instead.

She once got her hand glued to a microphone stand

during the making of the show,

so these days she prefers to hold imaginary things instead.

And that is all you need to know about Lauren Layfield.

Well, for somebody with no personality,

that fact file lasted a long time, didn't it, cocker?

-It went on a bit, yeah.

-I'm only kidding.

-You've got loads of personality.

-Thank you.

Too much, if anything.

You're going to love today's show, cocker, because it's all about you.

-Yes!

-But if like many of the viewers at home

you're not a Lauren Layfield fan, don't worry.

It's not really all about her. Larry, le menu.

Certainly, Hacker. Lend me your Dengin-EARS...

Ha!

..because coming up,

Lauren listens to the Hacker Time theme tune...

That noise is horrible.

..Lauren tries the Hacker Time catering...

Oh, Hacker, you're useless.

..and Lauren enthusiastically waves at Acky G.

-Give us a wave, Acky.

-Don't go away.

Oh, I feel bad for those not watching on catch-up

because they can't just skip to the end.

-Now, Lauren laying on a field...

-Yeah?

..are you ready for your big interview?

-Yes. Bring it on.

-Right then.

On The Dengineers, you like to put things in gardens

that weren't there before.

Well, Lozza, I've put something in your garden

that wasn't there before.

-What?

-My droppings.

-No!

-I've left some of my crisp, warm droppings on your lovely path.

But who let you in to do that? I've not agreed to this.

I had perfect access because I nipped over your low boundary wall

and plopped on your crazy paving.

-Now, Lauren...

-Yeah?

-..Mark Wright.

-Yes.

-Is he?

-What, right?

-Is he always right?

-Occasionally, he has been right.

No, no. He's always right.

-No, he's not.

-Look!

-What? There he is. There he is.

-Always right.

-He's not always... Occasionally.

-Well, look at this one, then.

-There he is on the right.

-OK.

-Always right.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Yeah, he is always right.

-And look at this one.

On the right. Always...

Oh, forget it!

Lauren, you're always looking to create hiding places

in The Dengineers, aren't you?

Yeah, we make dens for kids to hide away in.

-Well, I'm always looking for a hiding place too.

-OK.

One, two, three. Ready or not, here I come!

-Found you!

-HE LAUGHS

What fun, eh? Plaice!

It's a plaice! It's a type of fish.

A hiding PLAICE. Do you see?

Yeah, I see. I see it, a fish joke.

-Now, Lawrence...

-Yeah?

..what do you call people who make things out of wood?

Uh, they're called carpenters.

You rang?

Carp is a type of fish, and that carp just entered.

CARP-enters.

Carp... Do you see?

-What just happened?

-Now, Lauren...

-Yep?

..you upcycle things on The Dengineers,

but what is upcycling?

Upcycling is where you take an object and you improve it

to make a better object.

-I've upcycled today's script...

-Oh, yeah?

-SHE LAUGHS

-..into a laboratory roll.

Yeah. So, now it really does what it says on the tin, cocker.

-Now, Lauren...

-Yeah?

..do you remember the time that I popped up unexpectedly

on The Dengineers?

No.

-Address this evidence with your eyeballs.

-What?

-Look at this. Do you like it?

-I love it.

That is epic.

-Do you want to go inside and see the special effects?

-Yes.

-Yeah?

Come on. Let's get in there.

That's it.

What are you doing in here?

Have you never heard of privacy? Oh, you've ruined my inner sanctum!

Get out! I've not finished!

Ooh!

Prrrrffft! SPLASHING

Oh, I've finished now.

My inner sanctum was all over the place, Lauren.

What are your thoughts on that?

That noise was horrible!

It was natural, cocker.

Lauren Layfield, you have lots of tips on the show, don't you?

Yes, we like to give people lots of tips, help them out.

Can't you afford to die the rest of you're hair?

THEY LAUGH What?

-That's OK. I understand it's a statement of style.

-Yeah.

But seriously, why the dungarees?

-What do you mean?

-You look like an Italian plumber.

-They're good. They're trendy.

-And are those glasses prescription?

-Yes.

-Looks like they've been prescribed

for someone with a massive head, cocker.

Are you a welder? Are you a welder or something?

No, I just like to wear a dungaree a big spectacle.

-And a large spectacle.

-Yeah.

-Good work.

Now, I've heard you like one particular member

of the Hacker Time team more than the others.

Uh-huh, I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, how does it feel to finally meet me?

Ah. Um...

This is a little bit awkward, this.

It's not actually you. RECORD SCRATCHES

Ooh! Here he is now. All right, Wilf? How's the wife?

All right, Lauren. Yeah. Yeah, not bad.

Are we still on for glamping this weekend?

Do you know what, Wilf? I would not miss it for the world, eh?

Hey! What's going on here, then? Eh?

Wilfred Enamel Breadbin, get out of here!

What are you doing round here getting involved with my guest?

Lauren is my guest, not yours, Wilf!

It's not Wilf Time, it's Hacker Time!

Get out of my sight!

-In a bit, Wilf.

-Right, then.

On The Dengineers, you're always surprising people

-with hidden cameras, aren't you?

-Yes.

I remember when I was surprised by a hidden camera.

Oooh, I hope there's no surprises in this cake.

-I don't like surprises.

-Surprise!

-Argh!

-Surprise!

-Argh!

-PARTY WHISTLE BLOWS

No!

You mustn't! Oh, you mustn't!

It was the best birthday ever.

-Now, Lauren L-field...

-Yeah?

..you often clear a room in minutes on The Dengineers, don't you?

Yeah. We try to get it done quickly so we can crack on with the den.

Well, I can do it in seconds, cocker.

Prrfffft!

Oh.

Oh, that's wretched. Oh.

I guess that's the end of the interview.

Larry, cut to summat else.

Aha, mateys!

Looks like it's trouble on the high seas

in The Adventures Of Admiral Lawnmower.

Dear diary, this is the most difficult thing

I've ever had to write.

But today I received the worst news ever.

HE SIGHS MOURNFULLY

-HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY Admiral!

-Hmm?

We've received this message from the lookout.

HE GASPS

Pilates at 3 o'clock?

Oh, I better get my mat.

No, it says "Pirates at 3 o'clock."

Oh, no!

That clashes with Pilates.

No, the pirates are at 3 o'clock on the compass.

They're heading straight for us!

HE WHIMPERS

Look, it's Short Jill Packnam and her bloodthirsty band of scallywags!

-Arrr!

-Arr!

-Ooh-arrr!

-Ooh-arr!

Oh! They must be stopped!

All hands on deck!

Man the sails!

50% off leggings while stocks last!

And fire the canon!

Canon, you're sacked.

'But I've got a mortgage and six little cannonballs to feed.

'Just look at their little faces.'

Hoo-hoo!

It's too late, Admiral! The pirates are on the stern side!

-ALL:

-Arrr!

Oh, you're telling me! Ah!

Right, you filthy bunch of bilge rats,

-prepare for a good old flogging!

-THEY ALL GASP

Don't worry, cocker. Wilf's already doing that.

Hi, guys. So, OMG. The pirates have boarded the ship.

Anyway, leave your comments below and I'll try to get back to you.

If I'm still alive!

Not vlogging, flogging!

Oh, Herman is doing plenty of that.

90% off leggings while stocks last! Oh!

Oh, I'm fed up of these tired old jokes.

You, walk the plank.

-HE GASPS

-Very well.

Come on, little plank. Heel, boy. Heel. Ha-ha!

PLANK BARKS

Please, Your Piracy Majesty, what do you want from us?

Well, you stinking landlubber,

we hear your admiral is in possession of the largest chest

on the high seas.

Oh, thanks very much.

-It's down to all that Pilates.

-HE STRAINS

No.

The largest treasure chest on the high seas,

and we want to know where is.

There's nothing you can do will make me tell.

Nothing, I tells you! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

-Discount pair of leggings?

-Oh!

Thanks. It's downstairs.

# I love leggings, leggings, leggings, la-la-la-leggings. #

Let's see what's inside.

-CHOIR SINGS ANGELICALLY

-I don't believe it!

This 10,000 watt standard lamp is exactly what we came for.

And we'll take that angelic choir too, if we may. Bye!

All's well that ends well.

I wouldn't speak too soon, Admiral.

That pun has just done its business all over the poop deck.

-HE PANTS

-Prrrfffft!

THUMPING

Every time. Come on.

Terrible behaviour.

I would never turn up unannounced and take over.

Isn't that what you did to that mug

that had been left unwashed for too long, father?

That's quite different, son.

What about the pizza that was left under the bed?

Completely different.

Well, what about the...?

Enough, son!

You're watching Hacker Time,

in association with Bins and Scissors Costumes -

high-quality bins and/or scissor costumes

for all your bins and scissor party needs.

So, have you heard that Mark Wright is all tied up

at the moment and can't present the next series of The Dengineers?

Oh, yeah. Yes.

-I had heard something about that.

-HE LAUGHS

Well, Herman, you're the man they're looking for.

-Really?

-Yes indeed.

You've got the knowledge, you've got the skills

and you've got the look.

So, you mean the producers are looking for me

to present the next series of The Dengineers?

No. The police are looking for you.

They know you tied Mark Wright up and you're trying to nick his job.

-SIREN APPROACHES

-Ah!

-Hoo-hoo!

-HE SLURPS

Coming back to studio in three, two, one.

And cue.

Now, Lauren, there's something I wanted to get out of the way.

-OK, go on.

-That pot plant there. Will you move it for me?

-It's doing my head in.

-Yep, OK. Do you want it over there?

I want it out of my sight. It's just in shot, isn't it?

-Let me just grab it a second.

-It's a big bulky yucca or summat.

-Who put this here? Whoa. OK.

-I think it might have been Wilfred.

-Is that all right?

-That's better, isn't it, out of the way?

-Yeah.

Now that's out of the way,

-you have a very distinctive style, Lauren Layfield...

-Thank you.

..and I wanted to tell the viewers at home how to achieve your style

via the medium of rock and roll!

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

-HE RAPS:

-# If you want to rock the Lauren Layfield look

# You need style, panache and flair

# You must highlight the tips but just the tips

# Of your lovely, luscious hair

# You need glasses twice the size of your head

# Maybe thrice if you can bear

# But the primary thing Listen up, please

# There is one thing you'll need to wear...

Can you guess where this is going, Lauren? Ha-ha!

# Dungarees Pull on some dungarees

# Dungarees Cut above or below the knees

Everybody!

-ALL:

-# Dungarees

# Pull on some dungarees, oh!

# Dungarees

# There's a pocket especially for your keys

One more time!

# Dungarees

# Pull on some dungarees, oh!

-# Dungarees

-Huh!

# Wear them till they stink of cheese

# Yeah. #

-Yay! Hey, what do you think of that, cocker?

-Do you know what?

I thought it was going to be rubbish, but that was superb.

-Top-notch, weren't it?

-BELL RINGS

Oh! That's lunch. Hey, do you have any lunch money?

Uh, yeah. One second. Here you go.

Hey-hey! I'm rich!

I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams!

Come on.

Oh, I hope they refilled the cruet.

Herman! Got any money?

Wilfred, business is so bad. What are we going to do?

Well, I've got an idea to encourage return custom to the van.

A loyalty card.

Wilf, that's actually a great idea.

I know, yeah.

Some lunch, please.

Ooh, would you like a loyalty card, sir or madam?

What are the benefits?

-Well, you get 25% off.

-Oh!

That sounds a good deal.

Yeah. We'll take 25% of the flies off your meal.

We wouldn't normally do that, would be?

-Wilf!

-Oh.

Also, for each pound you spend, you get a point,

so if your lunch is £5, you get five of these.

One, two, three, four, five.

Wilf...

And you get rewards.

What sort of rewards?

£20 if you find my lost cat.

-MEOWING

-Wilf!

And finally, you can also collect stamps on your loyalty card,

and if you get enough, you get a free gift.

Oh, what's the free gift?

Another loyalty card.

Oh, how many stamps do I need for that?

-One million.

-Oh, great.

I'll only need another 999,999 if I buy some lunch now.

Oh, actually, we've run out of loyalty cards.

-RECORD SCRATCHES

-Wilf!

-Oh!

I'll fire up the van.

BELL RINGS

And now we present a sketch poorly decorated with jokes.

It's Hacker and Lauren in DI...Why?

Now, did you get the brief.

I sure did, cocker.

-Look. A lovely pair of briefs there.

-DRUM STING

No, the brief for decorating my living room.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got that as well, yeah.

Now, you need to follow every word of that, OK?

Of course, cocker.

I'll be back at the end of the sketch.

-Good day.

-Good day.

-Oh!

-All right, Hacker?

-Hiya, cocker. Are you all right?

-Hello.

Nice of you to wear dungarees, for a change.

Ha-ha-ha(!) Listen, what's the brief for decorating this room?

No brief. She just said we could do whatever we want.

Really? OK then. Well, how about we get some vinyl flooring down, eh?

Oh, way ahead of you, cocker.

Look, I've got loads of these things, right,

and I stuck them all over the floor.

Well, OK. Let's concentrate now. What about some wallpaper?

-We need some wallpaper in here.

-Look at this beauty. Two-ply.

-No.

Nice and absorbent, this. Two-ply wallpaper? Yes, please.

No, because that's not wallpaper. That's loo roll, isn't it?

-Oh, sorry.

-Yeah, we need some paste. How about some paste?

Got some paste. Never leave home without it, do I? Look, meat paste.

We can nibble on that while waiting for things to dry.

-Meaty produce paste.

-No.

-Paste. Meat paste.

-No.

-Meat.

Not meat paste. We need wallpaper paste.

GLASS SHATTERS Did you bring the rollers?

-You know, the brushes?

-Of course.

You can curl your hair while we're drying stuff. I've brought a brush.

-It's a roller, see?

-No time for that.

-What about filler?

-We've got plenty of filler, cocker.

-This whole sketch is filler.

-No, no.

-Have you not noticed?

A handyman. Can you get me a handyman?

-You rang?

-Oh, brilliant. Got a handyman.

Listen, can you help us out with this room?

No, I'm sorry. I'm just here for the joke. Bye.

This isn't good, is it?

Listen, why don't we paint it like a nice eggshell,

how about that?

Good thinking, cocker.

-I've got this fabulous fried breakfast here.

-Oh, no.

-There's a bit of eggshell in that.

-No, no, no. No, no!

Oh!

Oh, Hacker, you're useless.

-SHE GASPS

-Oh, my. Look at this.

You've done absolutely nothing

apart from smear a fried breakfast on my wall.

Oh, OK. Listen, listen. We're really sorry.

We didn't really mean to do it...

It's just exactly what I asked for in the brief.

Why, thank you.

Oh, you're welcome, Anne from Eccles.

Hey, this decorating stuff is easy, isn't it?

CROWD CHEERS

Father, do you think this room needs a makeover?

No, but this television show does.

Now on Hacker Time, Luke has a not-so-secret admirer

in today's Lost & Found... & Lost Again.

-Uh, Leia...

-Hmm?

-..I don't know how to say this,

but I think you're a little obsessed with me.

Whatever gives you that idea?

# From the moment I awake

# I think of you through lessons, lunch and break

# I want you for my own so we can set up home

# With a garden full of gnomes

-Why?

-I just think they'll really brighten up the patio area.

# Please leave me in peace

# I know your favourite colour is red

# This behaviour has to cease

# You wear a stoat onesie to bed

# You send shivers down my spine

# But I find you so divine

Now can I get a photo and some of your earwax

for my elaborate shrine?

Argh!

# You've got an ice-cold stare

# You've got lovely, luscious hair

# I'm moving elsewhere

# But I've stuck you to this chair

# And now we can live in hope and acceptance for the rest of our lives

# Ooh! #

Oh, we can be together forever,

and nothing will ever come between us.

-ICE CREAM VAN MUSIC PLAYS

-Oh! Ice cream! I love ice cream!

Can somebody help me, please?

Any of you guys stood around the side?

And now we come to the climax of the show,

the quiz that we like to call...

# Beam My Guest!

# Beam My Guest!

-ALL:

-# Beam My Guest! #

Beam! Yes! Beam My Guest.

Now, Lauren Bruce Layfield,

you are standing in my state-of-the-art teleporter

which somehow exists,

and I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.

Fail miserably, however, and you'll go somewhere horrific.

How does that sound?

Yeah, let's go for the home. Let's go for home.

The time will end when you hear this racket.

You rang?

-Are you ready?

-Yeah, ready.

-Let's go.

-In that case, start the clock.

Complete the name of this channel. CBB...

C.

No, it's CBeebies. CBeebies.

-Right. Oh, yeah.

-What does DIY stand for?

Do-it-yourself.

Fine, I'll answer it for you. DIY stands for do-it-yourself.

What vlogging show did you start your career on?

I started on Whoops I Missed The Bus.

Don't worry, love. The next one arrives in 12 minutes.

-This tat will be over by then.

-OK.

You were All Over The Place, so name a place.

-Germany.

-No, it's Albert.

Albert the plaice there from earlier.

-Now it's time for the music round.

-OK.

Here's a lovely man, my chum.

I bake cakes with him on a Wednesday.

It's Accordion George.

# It's Accordion George Peer at him!

# It's Accordion George Look at him!

# It's Accordion George

# Wave at George. #

-The Big G. Give him a wave. Give us a wave, Acky.

-Hey, Acky.

Now, Lauren Alan Layfield, as a little treat for you,

The Big G is going to play a lovely son on his nice, crisp acc

and you must guess what tune he's playing.

-OK.

-Take it away, The Big G.

HE PLAYS TUNE

Oh, this is hard.

Well, you've got little to no chance of guessing this,

because that was atrocious.

But, cocker, what was The Big G playing on his whatsits?

Uh, was it Little Mix?

Let's see if you're right.

# I know that I let you down

# Is it too late now to say sorry?

-It was Justin Bieber with Sorry.

-# Sorry

# Sorry... #

Yeah, Acky G, what were you thinking of?

Can you actually play that?

Take him away. Acky G, everyone. Give us a wave, Ack.

All right, keep hold of your acc.

Don't want you to damage it or puncture it on the way out.

Acky G there, folks.

Now, complete the following show name.

-4 O'Clock...

-4 O'Clock Club.

No, it's 4 O'Clock is The Next Step, followed by Newsround.

You should know that.

-You present the links between shows.

-I do those bits, yeah.

-Got that wrong.

-How about this one?

-Go on.

-Danger...

-Mouse.

-Where?!

-The Dog Ate My...

-Homework.

-No. I ate your sandwich. I'm sorry.

-Aw!

You rang?

Oh, time's up. How did she score, Lorraine?

BLENDER BUZZES LOUDLY

Wow. That's our highest score yet.

-That means you're going home, cocker.

-Yes!

Time to beam my guest. Oh, Herman? Make sure you pull the right lever.

-I will, Mr Hacker. I will.

-HE LAUGHS

Wait, wait, wait. You've pulled the wrong lever!

You've pulled the wrong lever!

Oh, I don't know where she's gone, but I'm sure she'll be fine.

Oh! Whoa!

That's it for today.

I'm off to judge a marrow beauty contest

at the local village hall.

But first, my horrific end song. Join in, cockers!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, there's been joy, fun and laughter

# This could be the year we win our first BAFTA

# Join again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff

# It will be top drawer

# Lauren Layfield popped along to talk about The Dengineers

# She was introduced to a couple of fish

# And I made fun of her dungarees, which luckily didn't end in tears

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #

I'm just here for the joke.