Leona Vaughan & Louis Payne Hacker Time

One minute till we are on air, everyone. I need the toilet.

Meow-mow-ow.

Oh, Lolly, I don't know if I can do the show today.

I'm worried the studio is haunted.

I've been noticing some supernatural events recently.

Supernatural events?

What are you on about?

-HE SCREAMS

-Oooh.

-A zombie!

-Aah!

That's not a zombie. That's just Wilf.

I've only just woken up.

I was up half the night thinking about the difference between

clementines, satsumas and tangerines.

Oh.

-HE SCREAMS

-A mummy!

Oh, that's not a mummy, that's just Herman!

Oh, I've had a problem in the toilet.

I wouldn't go in there for a while if I were you.

-HE TRUMPS

-Sorry.

So, you see, Derek,

-there's a perfectly rational explanation...

-Ah!

..for all of this.

You all right, cockers?

You see? This is just Hacker under a sheet.

Oh.

-DEREK GASPS

-But he's naked!

But I'm always naked.

Run the titles.

Ooh! Ooh! Oo-hoo!

# You gonna watch this?

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this!

-HE RAPS:

-# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly but not what you normally see

# It feels good there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips it's true

# So sit back - don't move too much

# This is the show - ah! - you can't touch

# Stop, Hacker Time. #

Thank you.

Stand by, everyone, we're on air in five seconds.

-Four, three, two, one.

-Wilf, are the celebrity guests here?

-They're coming now.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Hi. I'm Leona Vaughan.

-Hello.

And I'm Louis Payne.

And we're here to film an episode of Wolfblood.

Certainly, but don't you need to use the toilet first?

Oh, yeah, I do, actually.

Get in there then.

Well, that was easy enough, wasn't it? Ready, Hacker?

This is going to be off the chain.

SHE SCREAMS

Right, now you need the toilet.

Er, no, I don't.

Why was she screaming and why does it say, "Fake toilet"?

It's a typo. Just get in, have a look.

Have a look for yourself if you want to. Check.

-I don't want the toilet. I don't...

-Get the door.

Ready, Hacker?

HE SCREAMS

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Wolfblood's Jana and TJ,

AKA Leona Vaughan and Louis Payne.

-LEONA AND LOUIS SCREAM

-Hacker Timer.

Get off.

Welcome to Hacker Time!

What is this? I didn't sign up for this.

But I'm almost a wolf.

And we're supposed to be together,

run together, stick up for each other,

loyal to the end, we are a pack.

Yeah, but you do know that

we are not actually Wolfbloods, we're actors.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eat your bag of Wolf Mix.

Go on, get it down your face.

Eat your Wolf Mix like it's going out of fashion. Go on.

Graze on said Wolf Mix.

Right, let's find out more about these two greedy mongrels.

Derek, do what you're overpaid to do.

Pressing the button.

Who's that?

We're learning how to infiltrate a mushroom with cheese.

A chicken? That's not right.

-Push the cheese within it. It's a mushroom.

-Oh, every time.

Oh, that's better.

Leona Vaughan and Louis Payne star in the hit CBBC show Wolfblood.

Unfortunately, they both also regularly suffer from

conjunctivitis.

Louis is so big headed

that his face is actually the same size as the moon.

And Leona has got a bit carried away playing a Wolfblood for so long.

You're not really allowed to do your business

in the woods, you know, Leona?

Leona bought a pair of gloves with her earnings from the last series.

If she's invited back next time,

she's hoping to afford enough wool to cover all of her fingers.

And there's nothing you need to know about Leona and Louis.

Oh, their eyes have gone bad again!

Oh, I hope that conjunctivitis cleared up.

Did you use drops?

No, no, we didn't.

Now, Leona and Louis, do you believe in the supernatural?

-Yeah, I do. Do you?

-Yeah, I believe in supernatural, yeah. Why not?

Me too, cocker.

I believe in souper-natural.

Look, some soup.

It's broccoli and kale flavour.

Perfect with sourdough bread.

Larry, tell us what's coming up in the future.

Well, Hacker, the future is about to happen

and here is a sneak preview.

Coming up on today's Hacker Time...

Beards get a stroke,

our guests get a poke...

Are you angry yet?

..and there's the same old trumping jokes.

HE TRUMPS

Don't go away.

Ooh. What a bunch of things, hey?

Right then, time for my big interview.

You've moved to the city in this series of Wolfblood.

-Mm-hm.

-That's right.

-Are there more lunch options in the city?

SHE LAUGHS I think there's one or two, yeah.

I suppose there is, yeah. Why not?

Are the streets lined with kebabs?

Yeah. Yeah, they're lined with kebabs. Yeah.

Here, Leona, do you remember that time that I was in Wolfblood

as a baddie and your character, Jana, was trying to track me down?

Erm...

-Are you sure that was Wolf...?

-It did happen! It happened!

You saw it with your eyes. Look!

Look again for the proof.

TENSE MUSIC

-Oh, Jana will never find me here.

-HE LAUGHS

I just hope I don't do anything to give myself away.

HE TRUMPS Oh, no.

SHE SNIFFS

HACKER TRUMPS

-LEONA GIGGLES

-Oh, I trump when I'm nervous.

Imara, I think I've lost him.

HE TRUMPS AGAIN

SHE SNIFFS

-Got him.

-Oh, budgies!

Ah!

That's so good.

I am a talent, aren't I?

So, Leona, you play Jana in Wolfblood, don't you?

I do, yes.

So, you have to answer the next set of questions

saying only "ja" or "na".

-Get it? Ja-na.

-I get it.

-You must answer the phrase with the word "ja" or "na".

-Na.

Complete the name of this fruit bana...

-Na.

-No. It's bana-ja.

Look, it's the new fruit grown in the foothills of the Himalayas.

A bana-ja.

Complete the name of this famous pop star,

-Rihan...

-Na.

No, it's Rihan-ja.

She's great. I've got all of her albums.

Rihan-ja.

She does a song called... # Ooh, ja, ja, what's my name?

# Ooh, ja, ja, what is my name?

# Ooh, ja, ja, what's my name?

# Ooh, ja, ja, what's my name? #

Yes! Join in!

-# Ooh, ja, ja, what's my name?

-ALL:

-What's my name?

-# Ooh, ja, ja, what's my name? #

-I said...

-#

-Ooh, ja, ja... #

-Come on!

-# What's my name?

# Rihan-ja, what's my name? # Yes!

Give yourselves a nice round of applause for the Rihan-ja song.

Now, Louis, why does TJ butter toast so painfully slowly?

Look.

Although it does take me ages to butter up toast too. See.

Hey, you bit of toast, you've got lovely crusts.

Do you want to listen to Rihan-ja's latest single with me?

IN FRENCH ACCENT: Hmm, well, I shall think about it.

See.

Ages.

So, is it true that Wolfbloods turn into wolves when they get angry?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Yeah. Yeah, they do. yeah.

Wilf! Poke them with that poking stick, will you?

Yes, yes, there you go, Hacker.

Ugh. Ugh. Poke, poke, poke.

Are you angry yet?

-No.

-No, no. Not yet.

-Are you angry yet?

-No.

-No.

Oh, I can't believe this. It's not working!

Oh! That makes me so angry.

Oh! Oh, no, Hacker.

You know what happens when you get angry.

I'm angry now!

HE SCREAMS

Oh, no, it's happening!

You inexplicably grow a healthy moustache.

Oh, it can be such a burden.

-There we are.

-HE SPITS

Now, Leona, you have a special ability in Wolfblood called Eolas.

-Yes.

-What's that all about then?

So, it's basically a Wolfblood's ability

to kind of, like, figure out how people connect with nature and

-to tell their whereabouts.

-Well, I'm connecting with nature right now.

-DIALLING

-Hello, Nature.

Nature, are you all right, cocker? Are you free Saturday night?

-Hello? Hello? Nature!

-TONE GOES DEAD

Oh, stupid Nature.

Story of my life, that.

Anyway, I'm bored of you both now so that's the end of the big interview.

Larry, cut to something else.

Now on Hacker Time it's time for more adventure on the high seas

with Admiral Lawnmower and his crew.

An Admiral must be a man of sophistication, reading

and, above all, intellect.

HE LAUGHS

I displayed all of these qualities today when I gave a rousing speech

to boost the crew's morale.

You horrific bunch of pitiless wastrels.

You're hideously ugly, you stink of herring

and worst of all,

you're invisible.

Jim Lad, where is everyone?

They're all sick, Admiral. We're the only two left on deck.

BELL RINGS

Apart from Able Seaman Tumbleweed

and the man who rings that bell.

BELL RINGS

So, what is wrong with this lot?

THEY MOAN They've all got dirty, dirty

barnacle dirt, a disease caused by the ship's poor hygiene.

-HACKER GASPS

-How bad is it?

Well, the first mate has just thrown up overboard.

Hmm. No, I've never liked that word.

The cook has got hives.

-BEES BUZZ

-This bee keeping hobby is

the best thing I've ever done.

It really keeps my mind off this deadly illness.

HE CRIES OUT

And the surgeon has lost a leg. HACKER GASPS

Hmm, I'm sure there were 49 in here this morning.

Where could that other one be? Hmm.

Oh!

Oh, found it.

If we're going to cure this illness, we need to understand it.

OK. What are the main symptoms?

Well, it starts with sneezing.

-HE SNEEZES

-Then itching.

-Then trumping.

-HE TRUMPS

HE TRUMPS AGAIN

Then paranoia.

I didn't trump. Who said I trumped?

You can't prove I trumped.

-HE TRUMPS

-Then grief.

Oh! Oh, OK, I trumped.

I trumped!

And finally, denial.

I'm not in denial!

I'm in de-Pacific Ocean.

-Bah-dum-tsss!

-Hey! Ha-ha. Good, isn't it?

Oh, I can't believe this medical textbook says

I have all the main symptoms.

Oh, no, that isn't a medical book.

It's a book of overused comedy scenarios.

It came with this free banana peel.

Ha.

Ah!

Who left this wooden leg here?

And so, Jim Lad and I set about finding ingredients to make a cure.

Wizened stoat tongues.

Pickled tapeworm.

And the key ingredient,

cure for dirty, dirty barnacle dirt.

Now all we need to do is put these ingredients into the cauldron.

Pft! That isn't a cauldron.

It's the ship's toilet.

No, it's definitely a cauldron.

But I've been using it as a toilet for the whole voyage.

I've been getting kitchen equipment mixed up with

waste receptacles again, haven't I?

Oh, well, at least that explains how everyone got ill.

Yes! What a hilarious and potentially fatal misunderstanding.

THEY LAUGH

Oh!

I found that leg again.

So, all's well that ends well.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm off for my evening meal.

Ah, hey-hey.

HE SLURPS

Oh, nutty.

TOILET FLUSHES

I don't know what all the fuss was about.

I rather like the look of cooking in a toilet.

Son, I raised you better than that.

Sorry, Father.

Good.

Now, let's see what nuggets have

fallen down behind the fridge.

You're watching Hacker Time

brought to you in association with Wolf Mix.

Mix it up and wolf it down.

Mr Derek?

I just wanted a bit of peace and quiet.

Yes, Herman.

-You know these actors we have on the show?

-Yes, Herman.

Well, I can easily do what they can do.

I could be a successful actor.

OK, then, show me happiness.

Fiddly diddly dee, I'm as happy as can be.

-HE LAUGHS

-Anger.

Fiddly diddly dee,

-I'm as angry as can be.

-HE GROWLS

How about uncontrollable sadness and despair?

Er, well, I'm not sure I have that in my repertoire, actually.

Well, this might help.

You're never going to be an actor, Herman, you're rubbish!

Really, really rubbish!

Ha-hoo!

HE WEEPS AND WAILS

Oh, I'm actually quite good at this uncontrollable sadness and despair.

HE LAUGHS AND WAILS

I'm not going to make it.

Coming back to studio in three, two, one.

And cue.

Leona, I hear that you sing on the set of Wolfblood a lot, is it true?

Occasionally, yeah.

Well, I don't really care. It's just a nice segue into me singing a song

about how life would be easier if I had supernatural powers.

# If I could fly

# I could find out why there are clouds in the sky

# I could eat them like whipped cream

# And my best friend could be a pigeon named Steve

# If I could breathe underwater

# I could marry an octopus' daughter

# I could rest my head on the seabed

# And my best friend could be a crab named Fred

# If I had super strength

# I could lift up a park bench

# I could probably lift up another park bench

# But I don't have super strength

# I've got no powers at all. #

LEONA LAUGHS

Hey, what did you think of that, cockers?

-It was the best thing ever.

-Yeah, it was amazing.

-Loved it.

-Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

-BELL RINGS

Oh, that's lunch.

Hey, hey. You can have the rest of the Wolf Mix,

I'm off for something with some actual nutritional value.

Bye-bye.

La-la-la-la-luncheon.

Come on.

I hope they're not serving on square plates.

Wilf, we need to improve our social media presence.

We need to embrace modern technology.

I'm right with you.

Come here, typewriter.

Oh, I love your ribbon and your paper.

Wilf, the typewriter isn't modern.

You are so behind the times.

I mean computers, social media, e-mailing.

Well, I was just about to send an e-mail, actually.

OK, well, that's something.

Yes, I'm about to mail a note containing only the letter E.

My typewriter is broken, you see.

Luckily, it's to my friend Eee

who lives in Eeeeeee.

Wilf, you're not taking this seriously.

Do we even have a hashtag?

We have a hash brown and it's got a tag on it.

It says, "Best before 1963."

HE CHUCKLES Wilf.

-Let's have a look at your profile.

-All right, yes.

It's not bad. My nose is a bit big but I've got a nice flappy mouth.

-Flippity, flippy, flappy, flap.

-No, Wilf.

We need to do more, we need to go viral.

Oh, we will do with all the raw chicken we're serving.

-CHICKEN CLUCK

-Get out of it, chicken.

Down.

Have we even got any followers?

Just that undercover food inspector.

He's been following us for weeks.

I'm afraid you're both going to have to come with me.

I've got a few questions to ask you about that chicken.

CHICKEN CLUCKS Oh, Wilf!

I'll step out of the van.

BELL RINGS

And now, we show you what it's like behind the scenes

at one of CBBC's top dramas.

It's Wolfblood Sweat And Tears.

WOLF HOWLS

Have you heard we've got a new director today?

Yeah, I hope they know what they're doing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, cocker.

What's a camera?

I'm just kidding. I know what a camera is.

-HE LAUGHS

-This is a camera.

Look at this beautiful...

Look at the lens on that.

No, no, no. Let's go for it.

I've got a big, dramatic Wolfblood scene for you today.

Action-oh!

OK. SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

TJ, I know you might see me in a different light

but, well, it's for your own good.

But how could you? This stinks of betrayal.

I know and it will always stay with me

but you'll understand one day.

I can't even be around you any more.

Cut!

-Did we do something wrong?

-Oh, no, no.

I was just getting Herman to cut my sandwiches into triangles.

-HERMAN LAUGHS

-Cheers, Herms.

-HE LAUGHS

-Herman Eggly there.

But on reflection, it is a bit boring.

Let's try that again with some more interesting costumes.

Action!

TJ, I know you may see me in a different light...

HACKER LAUGHS

..but it was for your own good.

How could you? This stinks of betrayal.

Cut!

Thank goodness for that.

No, sorry. I was just taking part in this ribbon-cutting ceremony

for the new local supermarket.

These costumes are ridiculous.

Yeah, why have you put me in this terrible wolf costume?

We use visual effects on Wolfblood.

Oh. If it's effects you seek,

leave it with me, cockers.

From the top.

TJ, I know you might see me in a different light

but it was for your own good.

How could you? This stinks of betrayal.

TRUMP SOUND EFFECT

I know, and it will always stay with me.

TRUMP SOUND But you'll understand one day.

I can't even be around you right now.

TRUMP SOUNDS

-Bravo! Bravo!

-APPLAUSE

Ugh, I've had enough. I quit.

Oh, I don't need you anyway.

I'm the world's best director.

Hacker T Dog, I'm giving you this award for the world's best director.

Oh!

Now, give it to someone who actually deserves it.

That was mean. I'm genuinely very upset by that.

HE CRIES

-TRUMP SOUNDS

-Oh, no. Oh, no.

-That's not helping.

-HORN BLARES

They're just making me more upset, isn't it?

-CHICKEN CLUCKS

-Why don't I lean the other way?

I just can't. I keep leaning on the same button.

Now on Hacker Time,

make mine an organic double choca mocha hoca skinny white to go.

It's hipster central in today's Lost And Found...And Lost Again.

# Whoa, whoa

# Lost and found

# And lost again. #

Luke, there's something different about you today.

Well, yeah, I've decided to explore my individuality

by becoming a hipster.

Right now, I've got a style all of my own.

Ah, about that, erm...

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

# I've got a beard My quiff is weird

# These skinny jeans I try to squeeze in

# Upcycled checks Enormous specs

# A scarf and a hat no matter what season

# I don't like plates I eat off slates

# And I have pulled pork on my patty

# I've only chewed organic superfood

# And there's a heart shape upon my latte

-BOTH: # Hip...sters

-Hip, hip, hip, hip, hip, hip, hip

# Hip, hip, hip, hip

-# Hip...sters

-Hip, hip, hip, hip, hip, hip, hip

# Hip, hip, hip, hip

# I buy my music all on vinyl

# Dine out at a converted urinal

# My boots have left my spine out of kilter

# My photos all have an orangey filter

# I wear an ironic onesie to bed

# I fill up daily on artisan bread

# Watch Danish dramas at least once a week

# My kitchen units are all shabby chic

# My style is known as pre-loved vintage geek

BOTH: # Our lives are so bleak conforming to be unique

-# Hip...sters

-Hip, hip, hip, hip, hip, hip, hip

# Hip, hip, hip, hip

-# Hip...sters

-Hip, hip, hip, hip, hip, hip, hip

# Hip, hip, hip, hip

# Aah. #

Hey, this is just a low-quality rip-off of our show.

Oh!

-I'm calling my lawyers, Hacker. You haven't seen the last of me.

-Ah!

And now we come to the climax of the show.

The quiz that we like to call...

Beam My Guests.

S, S, plural. Beam My Guests.

-ALL:

-Beam My Guests.

Beam, guest, beam.

Leona, Louis, how much do you want to go home?

-Hmm, a little bit.

-Loads.

A little bit and loads, hey? A mixture of views there, cocker.

Much like this show generally.

Well, now is your chance.

You are standing in my state-of-the-art

teleportation device that I found in a regional skip.

I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.

Fail miserably, however, and you'll go somewhere horrific.

How does that sound?

-Scary.

-Your time will end when you hear this sound...

Butter would not melt.

Start the clock.

-Wolves transform when there is a full...

-Moon.

-Moon.

No! Wolves transform when there is a full episode of Wolfblood on.

-THEY LAUGH

-K is a character in...

-Wolfblood.

-No.

K is a character in the standard English alphabet.

-THEY LAUGH

-Time for a music round now.

Here's my favourite amigo and confidant and all-round good guy,

it's Accordion George!

# It's Accordion George. Yes.

# It's Accordion George. Acky G.

# Oh, it's Accordion George.

# Acky G. Ack, Ack, Ack. #

The big Ack and his big, lovely bulbous, shiny acc.

Give us a wave, cocker.

Yeah. Now, Acky G is going to play you a lovely tune

on his fabulous acc and you must guess which one it is.

Acky G, do your thing, brother.

No, I haven't got a clue. No.

-What on earth do you think that was?

-I don't know.

Well, of course you don't know it. He's rubbish!

You're rubbish, Acky G!

What's happened to you?

It was Little Mix and Black Magic.

-Oh, yeah.

-Let's play it. See how it should've been played.

-# Take a sip of my secret potion... #

-Oh, right.

-# I'll make you fall in love... #

-Sorry, mate.

# For a spell that can't be broken... #

Nothing like it, Acky G.

That was... Where have you been learning that?

At the bus station or something?

Get rid of him.

Get him out of here. Get rid of G.

And mind your shins, we're not insured.

Next question.

Leona, this is you in Wolfblood showing off your amazing skills.

Look at this.

SHE GASPS

APPLAUSE

-Now, you caught that mug but can you catch these?

-No.

LEONA SCREAMS AND LAUGHS

Ha-ha! They're made of rubber.

One each, that will do.

Butter would not melt.

Time is up. How did they score, Lolly?

-SHE SNORES

-Huh?

Wow. That's our highest score yet.

That means you're going home.

What do you think about that, cocker?

-Yes!

-Brilliant. That's great.

-Whoo!

Great news, isn't it? Well, it's time to beam my guests.

Oh, Herman!

Make sure you pull the lever that sends them back home.

I will, Mr Hacker. I will.

HE LAUGHS

Wait, this is the wrong one.

Where's this going? You pulled the wrong lever!

Ooh. I don't know where they've gone but I'm sure they'll be fine.

PIG SNORTS

That's almost it for today.

I'm off to deadhead a hydrangea.

But first, there's the small matter of my horrific end song.

Join in, cockers.

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing there's been joy, fun and laughter

# This could be the year we win our first BAFTA

# Join again next time cos we've got much more

# They'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Leona and Louis stopped on by

# They both star in Wolfblood

# They scoffed down bowls of Wolf Mix

# Then we tested Leona's skills by seeing

# If she could catch some falling mugs

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

This is the award for the best show on TV.

Now, give it to someone who deserves it.