Episode 3 Hacker's Olympic Rundown

Sport! Good day to you, welcome to the show. Today's top stories.

Michael Phelps tells us what he's just done in the pool. Ha-ha, it's a

number one. Woman does archaic impression of policeman on

Copacabana beach. Hello, hello, hello. Waiter forced to break up the

fight. Calm down, chaps. Why not just split the bill? It easier. And

Siobhan-Marie O'Connor gets silver in the 200 metre individual medley.

La, la I love swimming. The big news, the diving pool has gone

green. It started recycling plastic and going hybrid. It has literary

gone green? Yes, Hacker. Here are timely account and Louise Toulson

diving in the Swamp last night. The organisers have said the competitors

are perfectly safe. And to prove it, here is Tonia, now. What's happened

to you? Have you done something different with your head? Life to

the pool, now. With Fred, have you found out why it turned green? No,

mate. I've been too busy dipping my fungal toe infection into this

diving. Quite will you look into why it has turned green? As soon as I

have finished dumping this toxic waste into the diving pool. Any

other jokes? I was going to do a lot one about sneezing. Mike Green 's --

my green snot has gone into the diving pool. I hope your cold does

not prove any problems with the gymnastics. Talking of gymnastics, I

did enjoy the new event when they had to jump into a massive toilet.

Be careful! Michael Phelps just went in there. Don't you just hate it

when you are doing gymnastics but the camera is totally ignore you?

How rude! On a totally unrelated note I will now do a gymnastics

routine of my own. Get back down here. I can't believe that. Never

mind. Now it's time for my favourite obvious gymnastics statement by Matt

Baker. Every score counts towards that team total. Regular viewers

will remember seeing Clare balding's patriotic TV equipment yesterday. It

seems to have gathered quite a following overnight. It started off

with just a couple of fans. Later on a few more. And by the end of the

night, look at them all. Come on, you lot. How patriotically they are

probably off to eat scones and complain about the weather. Did

anybody else notice a Formula 1 commentator got into the wrong

commentary box yesterday? Get your seat belts on! She can't seem to get

into top gear. It can't be too difficult, they've got loads of

presenters on that show. Has anybody seen the Brazilian hockey team? I'm

having trouble finding them. My eyes! It's burning my retinas! I

wonder where they've been washing that strip! Did anybody else see the

German hockey team lose a contact lens? Hi hidden microphones caught

everything! I've lost a contact lens! I'll look for it, but don't

expect me to respect it. Don't stand on it! I'm not helping you any

further. That's just about it for today. I wonder what the rowing

commentators thought about my programme. On his day, Hacker, is

still a force to be reckoned with. It's not my fault the air

conditioning broke. I'm off to watch more of the Olympics on my couch.

Hello, Tonia Couch from earlier. Let's go, by.