Episode 1 Hacker's Winter Olympic Rundown

Cold spots!

Huzzah!

It's the Winter Olympics!

Today's top stories...

Escalator breaks down

at Opening Ceremony.

The escalator isn't working, I'll

never get to the discount warehouse

now!

Norweigan disappointed to not be

snowboarding on paper.

There is no one in the world better

than Marcus Cleveland, and paper.

Felix Loch's coach forgets phone

but carries on anyway.

Felix Loch goes on 47.50 six. Felix

Loch.

And Radzi uses chair for first time.

OK, I've never sat in one of these

before.

Yes, it was the opening weekend

of sporting action in South Korea.

Hey, didn't you think those

background dancers at the

Opening Ceremony were

a bit distracting...?

He could and should perhaps in their

first-ever...

You'd never find me being upstaged

by uninspiring coreography...

Anyway, during the parade

the countries put on quite a show.

There were hundreds of Americans...

A greased up Tongan...

And as for Bemuda...

I wonder what they had in store?

One of the big stories this weekend

was the tummy bug that

was going round.

Team GB's Elise Chrisite,

and the rest of

the speed skaters,

were the first to be affected.

Come on I've got to get to the

lavvie, hurry up!

Luckily, BBC pundit Amy Williams had

some helpful advice.

Just get that one run under your

belt, I'm fine, let's relax now, let

the Butterfly settled to the bottom

of it more.

But it was no wonder their bowles

were loose -

with all the fresh fruit

that was available.

First there was this.

360 melon grab.

...And then there was this!

The young Kiwi absolutely smashed

it.

I wonder what the young

kiwi smashed?

I smashed that melon, of course.

It was upstaging me.

I hate it when that happens!

Anyway, now it's time

for my favourite reaction to

discussion of the colour teal.

What colour would you call that kind

of turquoise?

Am going to go for

teal.

Are you really?

I'm glad the BBC's experts

really know their stuff.

Yeah, I'm not a snowboarder and I

know professional, but looking at

it, it looked really good.

No, I love Amy Williams really,

but I have heard a rumour

that she will only stand

on yellow carpet.

Good luck with that and thank you

for all of your insight.

Bit odd.

Now, I was surprised

to hear the commentators

talking about facial

hair removal so much.

Despite all the resources the

Norwegian team have got at their

disposal, they got their waxing very

wrong.

You're telling me!

Have a look at this fella!

Robert Jansson and his moustache go

to the starting gate.

It seemed like everyone

was cheering on his moustache -

even in other sports.

Krueger from Musgrave, come on,

Muzzy!

It's no surprise, though,

because the moustache was the key

to his success.

The aerodynamics on the moustache

have paid off because that is a

fantastic jump from the Norwegian!

That still seems a bit

daft to me, though.

Can a moustache really

help you go faster?

Well, it's certainly helped me!

Wahey!

Stop upstaging me!

Before we go, just time

for some breaking news.

We find out why we shout weeeeee

down the course.

He needs a number

one when he gets down the bottom.

Number one means wee.

Austrian luger hopes

for yellow snow.

SNORING

You won.

And Team GB's Elise Christie briefly

holds new Olympic Record.

She won that heat at the time it was

an Olympic record. It didn't last

long, she was just beaten by a

fraction.

You'd never find anyone getting

beaten by a fraction round here.

Hooray, I've won!

This moustache is worthless!

Stop upstaging me!

Ooh!

See you tomorrow!