Classroom Catastrophe Hank Zipzer

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Henry Zipzer! Get back here this instant.

SHE GROWLS

Henry Zipzer!

'So, I know what you're thinking, just another typical day at school.'

Get back here this instant!

'OK, not THAT typical.

'I'm not normally this wet, but I am quite often in this much trouble.

'OK, let's rewind. First day of term after the summer holidays.'

For your homework tonight,

I want four full paragraphs on "What I Did In The Summer Holidays."

-I can't do that, Miss.

-And why not?

I don't know what you did in the summer holidays.

CLASS TITTER

Silence! No laughing in class.

'This is Miss Adolf.'

Do your tie up.

'With a name like that,

'you'd at least think she'd try to be nicer.'

Four paragraphs on YOUR summer holiday. 9am tomorrow, no excuses.

'I find it hard to write one sentence.

'How am I going to write four paragraphs?

'My handwriting looks like a chicken paddled in ink,

'then ran across the page.'

Does "a chicken ruined my homework" count as an excuse?

D'you know why I brought you in today, Miss Zipzer?

To wish me luck on my first day?

Oh, no. No way.

'That's the head, Mr Love.

'He runs the school.

'And this is an actual talking gargoyle,

'the queen of annoying, my sister Emily.'

Westbrook Academy, our school,

came second in the local league tables last year. Second.

Beaten by Eastbrook Academy by one point. One lousy point.

What's that got to do with me?

I'm tracking down on troublemakers, Miss Zipzer.

It's bad enough having one Zipzer in my school.

I shudder to think what it'll be like having two of you running amok.

But I am nothing like my brother.

You seem to have the same defiant attitude.

You can't compare me with Hank just because we've got the same name.

-Telling me my job now, are you? Typical Zipzer.

-This is ridiculous!

-And unfair.

-Insults and denial.

More classic Zipzer moves.

I'll be keeping a very close eye on you, young lady.

As will all the teachers. Goodbye.

SHE SIGHS

Quicker. Faster.

What part of "learning difficulties" does Miss Adolf not understand?

At least you have something amazing to write about.

You went on holiday to Niagara Falls. How cool is that?

Yeah, it was pretty cool.

But getting it from my head to the page is the hard part.

Maybe you could butter Miss Adolf up with this.

That's my best mate Frankie.

He's always into something new. At the moment, it's magic.

-Nice trick, Frankie.

-Yeah, street magic. I'm the new Dynamo... Ow!

Cool! An injury. Plaster, bandage or stitch?

Ashley's my other bezzie. Her parents are both doctors.

Guess what she wants to be when she's older?

Yeah, a doctor. And guess what?

She gets more excited at the sight of blood than Dracula! I'm serious.

Flower on the floor. Littering. Ten minutes' detention.

Nick McKelty. Corridor prefect, headmaster's pet

and all-round world-class creep.

That's not litter. It's magic.

-Frankie's learning a trick for the end of term talent show.

-The what?

I didn't see this on the school calendar.

Yeah, nobody told you about it because you don't have any talent.

You think you're so funny, don't you, ZITZER?

Let's see who's laughing when someone makes a joke about your...

Ow! You got me there, Nick! Did you think that up on the spot,

or have you been working on it for some time?

Nice work, Hankster.

Your brain might let you down, but your mouth never does.

-Yeah, you can talk your way out of anything.

-Yeah, I can, can't I?

-May I speak to you for a minute, Miss Adolf?

-You may. One minute. Go.

Well, I've come up with ten excellent reasons

why I shouldn't write my essay.

One. If I sit too long, my bum falls asleep and sometimes snores,

which keeps everyone awake.

Two. I would be using valuable ink

that could be used by future generations.

Three. My handwriting is so bad it looks like hieroglyphics,

and I might accidentally unleash an ancient Egyptian curse! Four...

I'm not listening to any more of this nonsense.

Time's up, anyway. Get out!

At least let me get to number six. It's about dinosaurs!

Out!

Yes, my name is Mr Rock. Hi, kids. How are you? Welcome to school.

With a name like Mr Rock, I was born to play the guitar.

I was indeed.

HE STRUMS

I busked on the streets of Paris by myself.

I played a major stadium with my band.

But no matter where you play, no matter what you play,

the only thing that is really important is the music.

So, let's see if we can start a little band of our own.

-Anybody play an instrument? Anybody?

-I play the recorder.

LAUGHTER You do?

It's thousands of years old. One of the oldest known instruments.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, we have an expert in our midst.

-And what is the expert's name?

-Emily.

Emily...

-WHISPERS:

-Tziipser.

(Sorry, I didn't hear that.)

Tziipser. Emily Tziipser.

-Oh, you must be related to Hank.

-No. I don't have a brother.

You must be mixing me up with someone else.

Come on! You've got to be related -

not that many people can have the name Zipzer.

-My name's spelt differently.

-Ah.

T-Z-II-P-S-E-R.

The "T" is silent.

I get it. OK. Thank you. Anybody play the drums? Because I sure do.

Can you play as well as I do?

Hey! My little friends! How are you?!

'My grandad, Papa Pete.

'One of the greatest human beings on the planet.'

HE LAUGHS

I love these dimpled cheeks and everything that's attached to them!

I know this looks annoying, but it actually makes you feel really good.

Biscotti. Get them while they're hot.

My mum. As lovely and warm as those biscotti.

With an equally fiery centre.

'Mum took over the deli when Papa Pete retired,

'but he's still in here most days, "helping" her out.'

Too many eggs.

Yes, you're right. I'll get rid of one.

-Papa Pete, is that egg in your hair?

-Maybe just a little.

Mum, we're having a vampire movie marathon tonight. OK?

Fine, as long as you've done your homework.

You do have homework, don't you?

Yeah, I've got an essay to write.

And this is Catherine, Emily's slimy best friend.

It's so unfair, Catherine.

They've got me down as a troublemaker

just because my name's Zipzer. It's all Hank's fault.

I'm having to pretend he's not my brother.

It's not easy being an only child. I'm so glad I've got you to talk to.

So? What's the match report? How was your first day at school?

Did you do the Zipzer name proud?

-I knocked that Zipzer name right out of the park.

-That's my girl!

Hmm... Yeah.

Hi, Hank! I made the back page again.

'This is Stanley Zipzer, my dad.

'He's a sports reporter. He gets paid by the word.'

537 words. Get in!

If I got paid by the word, I'd starve to death.

You see what I mean?

Argh!

No.

Man, that shelf is a mess!

'I felt this powerful urge to tidy.'

'I even got some tape and taped the marbles down. I was on fire.'

-Hank Zipzer, have you finished your homework?

-You bet, Mum!

'I'm never getting out of here. I hate my essay. I hate my brain.'

'Why can't I think or write or spell?'

Niagara Falls...

..Or Does It?

Does the title count as a paragraph?

What's the square root of 12,544, without a calculator?

What was that? 112, you say? Well, aren't you a clever iguana?

What's that, Catherine? You'd like to watch television, you say?

Well...

EERIE MUSIC ON TV

What time do you call this?

You've already missed most of Son Of Dracula II: Fangs For The Memory.

-Did you write four paragraphs?

-I wrote one.

-Well, that's better than none.

-Then I rubbed it out.

Do you want a doctor's note?

Say he's got a broken finger, then he won't have to write for weeks.

I can't pretend to be sick all year.

Whoa, bad special effects. I can make a better model than that.

Hang on. Maybe I can't write about Niagara Falls, but I can build it.

A model with cliffs, boats, water, the lot.

You're going to build a replica model of Niagara Falls?

-With cliffs, boats and water?

-Tonight?

Trust me, I'm a genius with glue and stuff.

You can use these old model kits I never got round to making.

Yeah, and I was going to practise making casts on my legs,

but it's yours if you want it.

I have the best friends in the world.

-Why would she change her name?

-Isn't it obvious?

I know you were embarrassed about it when we got married,

but I think Zipzer's a great name.

Zipzer is a ridiculous name, but that's not the point.

She's changed it so that the children at school

-don't think she's Hank's sister.

-Oh, no. That's not good.

I know, you're going to have to have a word with her.

Why me? You're the one who found the book.

I know, but I don't want her to think I'm spying on her.

-Neither do I.

-Well, someone's got to say something.

Rock, paper, scissors?

One, two, three.

-Every time!

-Loser.

-How's it going?

-Just finishing up the plumbing.

Is that strong enough to hold water?

Clingfilm's stronger than you think. I think.

Anyway, connect one end to the tap and the other to my model,

and hey presto...Niagara Falls.

Hankster! That looks amazing. You're going to knock 'em dead, Zip.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Hi, champ.

-Hi, Dad. Did you know that time is just an illusion?

Try telling that to my editor. So, how's the new school?

You know, it's OK.

I bet it's good having your big brother there to look after you.

Actually, it's not great.

Because of Hank, everyone thinks being a Zipzer means being trouble.

Is that why you changed your name?

Hank's a good kid. He tries his best.

What? Like the time he tried to send Catherine into space?

You never know what weird thing he's going to do next.

Just give him a chance. He won't let you down. He's your brother.

I'm still not changing my name back.

Anyone who hasn't stapled their essay in the upper left-hand corner

will face detention.

Henry Zipzer! What on earth is that?!

-This is my essay.

-That's not an essay. It's not even stapled.

Just give it a chance, Miss Adolf. This will blow your mind.

Prepare yourself for Hank Zipzer's interactive essay.

Niagara Falls was formed 10,000 years ago,

but when I visited this summer, it didn't look a day over 9,000.

But it did look wet. Really wet.

Henry, I asked you for a written essay. Not a makeshift model.

Miss Adolf, can I have a quick...

Ah! This looks very impressive.

I bet you wouldn't get that at Eastbrook Academy.

Is that a sword?

-This boy has made a model of his trip to see Niagara Falls.

-Oh! Excellent.

-Very dedicated.

-I know. Very dedicated.

Thank you, Miss Adolf. Now, imagine my mum, my dad, my sister and me

in a boat beneath the Falls.

Covered with mist.

Well, don't imagine it, see it.

Oh, that is good.

Carry on, Hank, I'm all ears.

Niagara Falls are made up of three waterfalls.

An amazing 750,000 gallons of water flow over these falls every...

Ashley, turn off the tap!

I can't! The tap's stuck.

Turn it off!

Can I handle this, please, Miss Adolf? Miss Adolf, please!

Just let me handle this!

THEY SHOUT IN CONFUSION

I've got water up my nose!

In my hair!

It's going everywhere! Can somebody please turn off that tap?

-Mr Love! Oh, my precious Mr Love!

-It's cold!

Hysteria can lead to madness!

Don't worry, sir, I'll save you!

How is this helping, McKelty?!

-This is ridiculous!

-Hank Zipzer! The tap! The tap!

I've got it. It's off.

I feel sick.

I bet you don't see THIS at Eastbrook Academy either.

-Ah, well, it could have been worse, dude.

-How?

You could have gone to visit a volcano.

Henry Zipzer.

Henry Zipzer!

'This is where we came in.'

Get back here this instant!

'Oh, boy.'

SHE GROWLS

Hey, Mr Z,

there should be an indentation of your tush in that chair by now.

-What are you in for?

-Flooding the school. You?

-Playing the electric guitar in class.

-But you're a music teacher!

Go figure.

You know, I thought I would show the class what it was like

when I played Berlin and they were bringing down that wall

and I cranked up the volume.

And I cracked a few windows and I blew out the speakers

and I rendered Class 3B temporarily deaf, but hey!

-Sounds like a great lesson.

-You know, it really was.

-My mum and dad have been in there for ages.

-Really?

I'm in so much trouble.

THEY BOTH SIGH

Right. No - that one.

-Good luck.

-Thanks.

Uh-oh. This is not good. Mum's wearing her serious shoes.

She's way less fun when she wears those.

Hi, Mum. Dad.

Before you announce the method of my execution, can I say something?

I think your actions have spoken loudly enough.

Hank, you let the side down badly.

-You can't just make up your own homework...

-I was trying to...

-Don't interrupt your father.

-But Mum!

-And don't interrupt me.

Tonight you'll write an essay, like you should have done,

four paragraphs, no models, no...no water.

-OK.

-And then tomorrow morning you'll read it out in assembly

in front of the whole school.

No. Not OK. I can't do that.

You didn't like your mother's soup? I don't blame you.

-Too much tarragon.

-I didn't feel like eating.

-You know, they think Leonardo da Vinci was dyslexic.

-Really?

Did he ever have to write four paragraphs on Niagara Falls?

-Come on, I'll help you.

-And will you help me read it out tomorrow?

First, we start with the title. What you got?

-Niagara Falls, Or Does It?

-I love it! Wait.

Does the title count as a paragraph?

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Hank, you've got visitors.

-Thanks, Mrs Z.

-What are you doing here?

-We're going to get you through this, Hanky boy.

Here. Pen.

Brand-new exercise book.

And spicy salami.

'With my friends helping me out,

'I knew I could get my essay on Niagara Falls down on paper.'

'And I did it.'

'Now all I had to do was read it out in front of the school.'

And so from now on, all amplified music must not

exceed 60 decibels, which sounds something like this.

-Take it away, Mr Rock.

-You are breaking my heart.

FEEBLE STRUMMING

Thank you, Mr Rock, for that helpful and above all quiet demonstration.

It's not music! It sounds like mice trying to eat cheese.

QUIET LAUGHTER

Anyway, and now Hank Zipzer is going to come up and tell us

all about his trip over the summer to Niagara Falls.

Hank.

-COUGHS

-Massive loser.

-If anything, it'll be semolina.

-So sorry. No parents in assembly.

We've come to hear Hank read his essay, you know, cheer him on.

-Rules are rules, I'm afraid.

-Do you know how hard this is for him?

-He needs all the support we can give him.

-Are you two coming in or what?

-But you can't go in there.

-I just did.

(OK?)

CHICKEN CLUCKS

Niagara Falls, Or Does It? By Hank Zipzer. That's me.

Niagara Falls is on the barder...

..border, sorry.

LAUGHTER

..on the border between America and Canada.

Barder wouldn't have made any sense.

LAUGHTER

'And then I realised, I thought people were laughing at me,

'but they weren't. They were laughing WITH me,

'and maybe I could do this.'

It was formed in the last ice age. Brrr!

Although it's not the tallest waterfall in the world,

it's the one with the most water flowing over it,

even more water than there was in Miss Adolf's classroom yesterday.

LAUGHTER

The thing I remember most about it was the noise.

When me and my family went there,

we went in a boat right underneath all that water, and it was loud.

Louder than you can imagine. Like this.

HE ROARS AND SPLUTTERS

-But way, way louder.

-Something like this?

FAINT STRUMMING

-Oh, no, it was way louder than 60 decibels.

-Louder?

-Louder.

-HE PLAYS A BIT LOUDER How's that?

-Louder.

-Louder?

-Louder. Louder!

-Louder?

-Louder! Louder!

-MR ROCK PLAYS LOUDER AND LOUDER

-Oh, that was loud.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

That is the end of my essay.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's my brother. I'm Emily Zipzer. Z-I-P-Z-E-R. Zipzer.

Well done, Hank! Brilliant!

Brilliant.

'It was a great feeling. Nothing could ruin it.'

'Well, nearly nothing.'

That was a pretty great assembly, though, wasn't it?

You know, it really was.

Tomorrow is the annual House Challenge Cup.

Yellow, yellow!

It's not about winning and losing, it's the taking part that counts.

Whoa! Time-out, referee!

Get him!

Henry Zipzer, get back down this instant!

I'm never going to get on the softball team.

My lucky pink socks, I need them for the quiz tomorrow.

I've not seen any pink socks.

If you get caught wearing those, I don't know you, man.

-I got them first.

-They're my socks!

-Not any more.

-He stole them, I'm taking them back.

-I'm keeping the lucky socks.

BOTH: No!