The Lucky Socks Hank Zipzer

I wanted to get on a school sports team, win the trophy,

make my sports-obsessed dad proud.

There was only one problem -

I'm rubbish at sport.

HE SIGHS

Pfffthbbbb!

But as my dad says - if at first you don't succeed,

keep trying until you run out of sports.

So this year, I was determined to get on the school softball team.

Pffthbbb!

Ha-ha-ha!

Mum! I'm out of socks!

Mum!

Oh, did you think it was one of those magic sock drawers

that refills itself?

Papa Pete's coming over for softball practice. Can't play in bare feet.

Why don't you try the washing machine?

That round door in the kitchen that leads to the World of Clean Clothes?

HE SIGHS

I don't know why Papa Pete bothers.

He could've taught a penguin to play softball by now.

-Haven't you got a netball match to lose?

-Hey, you two, cut it out!

Sport is not about the winning and losing,

-it's the taking part that counts.

-Whoa, whoa, time out, referee!

Sport is all about the winning!

At the end of the game there are tears or a trophy

and I know which I'd rather have.

Oh, no, please don't start listing all your trophies again.

We all know what a sporting giant we live with,

Mr Junior Blow Football 1980.

It was 1981. And that's just one of the many trophies I've won.

Yeah, for blow football!

You may mock, but at least I've got some silverware on my shelf.

Your "it's the taking part that counts" shelf

is looking a little empty.

Don't stop because of me.

This is fun. They should make rowing a sport.

If they did, your mother would be World Champion.

And I know exactly where I would shove my trophy,

and there would be tears.

Ooh.

SOCKS SQUELCH

I was hoping my socks were going to be clean AND dry?

Yeah, well, I was hoping for socks to be put into the laundry basket,

so I guess disappointment just runs in the family.

I'm late for work, so you'll just have to put them in the dryer.

You know how I agreed not to use my learning difficulties as an excuse?

Well, that was before I saw this.

Just turn it to medium heat.

It's easy.

Even Katherine could do it.

Right, then, I'm not going to be outsmarted by a lizard.

Come on, come on, we have a netball game to win!

Slash, take part in just for the fun.

-Bye!

-Bye.

-Bye.

Bye.

Come on, Hank, you can do this.

Medium heat.

Nah, medium heat is for losers! Let's crank this bad boy up.

Hi, Hank. Are you there?

Drying socks is like cooking lasagne - you have to do it slow.

And never use ricotta - always Parmigiano.

Don't worry, I'll find you some other socks.

Aha!

Agh!

No way.

If someone caught me wearing my sister's sparkling pink socks,

I'd have to move to another city.

In another country.

On another planet.

No-one will see. Your trousers will hide them.

Come on, let's play softball.

Today's the day you crack it. I can feel it.

I can't even dry socks! How am I going to hit a home run?

I'm never going to get on the softball team.

I only want positive thoughts running around in there.

You won't succeed unless you believe in yourself.

Now, let's practise.

Fine.

But if someone spots me, you're paying for the flight to Jupiter.

You can't hit the ball with your eyes shut.

I can't hit it with them open either.

Just focus on the ball.

Where your eye goes, your arm goes. Where your arm goes, the bat goes.

-It's that simple.

-That's what everyone said about the dryer,

and look where that's got me.

Pink socks!

Eyes open this time, huh?

All right. I'll just watch myself miss.

Whoa! Yes!

Holy moly, Hankie! You hit it!

Quick, throw me another.

I told you today was the day!

That's three in a row!

ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS

It's the socks! They must be lucky socks!

Or maybe practice makes perfect?

No! We always practise and I'm never perfect.

The only thing different today is the socks!

Well, if you believe it's the socks, then that's all that matters.

These socks are going to get me on the softball team! Foot five!

THEY LAUGH

As you are aware, tomorrow is the annual House Challenge Cup.

A daunting test of physical and mental prowess...

-Yellow!

-Not yet.

..consisting of a softball match and a general knowledge quiz.

So, who will win the coveted cup?

Will it be Yellow House, led by Mr Rock?

Now.

Yellow, yellow!

THEY CHEER

Or will it be Blue House, led by Miss Adolf?

Blue House...

Atten-shun!

-ALL:

-Booyah!

Given that Blue House have won the competition

-for the last...eight years?

-Yes, they have, yes.

-In fact, every year since the competition began.

-Every year.

-Yes, I suspect we may already know the answer...

-We do!

THEY LAUGH

-But who knows, maybe this will finally be Yellow House's year!

-Hmm.

-HE COUGHS:

-Yeah, right!

We're going to crush you into the ground.

Why don't you keep that aggression for parents' evening.

Team selection will be at lunchtime today. Uh, good luck

and may the best house win!

Yellow! Yellow, yellow!

-Y-E-L...

-Stop him.

-I think that's enough because it's bias, it's bias.

-What's the sixth planet from the sun?

-Saturn.

-Who invented the telephone?

-Alexander Graham Bell.

-Where is Leeds Castle?

-Kent.

-What kind of animal is a Bombay Duck?

-A fish.

-How long was the Hundred Years War?

-116 years.

-the animal kingdom, what's the average height of a...

-5.5m.

..giraffe. How on earth did you know that?

It could have been the average height of any animal.

There's more universal height data collected on giraffes

than any other species. The law of probability was on my side.

Well, Miss Zipzer...

Not bad.

-You're on the team.

-Yes!

There are no public displays of triumph in Blue House.

Victory is its own reward.

Stan, you shouldn't be doing that.

I'm being really careful. I haven't got any felt tip on the table...

Oh, apart from there. And there.

-And there!

-No, I mean, you shouldn't be taking sides.

-You can't just make a flag for Emily's team.

-Don't worry,

I've made one for Hank's too.

And if they end up competing against each other in the same event...

The only downside is, I won't get to see much of Hank's game.

What I'm saying is you have to face the fact

one of our kids is going to be on the losing team.

Oh, come on, there's nothing wrong with being competitive.

As you would know if you'd ever tried it.

Tell you what, let's play a game.

Any game. Say...blow football...

No. Not that.

All right, then, you pick.

Loser makes lunch for winner.

OK.

I pick...

arm wrestling.

HE LAUGHS

Mine's a mushroom omelette.

I am bringing out the big guns.

Wow, that looks just like a bicep, only smaller.

Yeah? Let's wrestle.

Ah-choo!

-I win.

-You cheated!

Oh, and I think I'll have this as my trophy.

And for lunch, I would like lobster carbonara

followed by gooseberry tiramisu. Thank you.

Yellow team!

Time to get your swing on.

Dude, what are you doing?

Dad's always telling me to pull up my socks.

Just doing him proud.

'I can't tell them about the lucky pink socks.

'Even your best friends will start calling you weird

'if they catch you wearing your sister's clothes.'

Now listen, Mr Love doesn't want us to scuff the floor,

so please take off your socks, your shoes.

Right now, hurry up!

As quickly as you can, kids, come on.

Mr Townsend, front and centre.

Don't take your eye off the ball.

Holy mackerel! Wow!

I think we're going to send a search party out for that ball.

Hank, I am so sorry,

you've got to take off your socks.

I play much better with them on.

I'm sure you do. We are not going to make fun of your toes,

unless of course they're hairy, at which time it's open season.

Come on, as quickly as you can, people are waiting.

'OK, Hank. Easy does it.

'I need to hide these hideous girly sparkles.'

All right, Mr Z, here we go!

'I hit the ball before, I can do it again.

'I don't need the socks.'

Keep your eye on the ball.

Good try.

You can do this.

I take it back. I need the socks.

I know I said I wouldn't even tell even my best friends

about my lucky socks. Well, this is an emergency.

I have to admit, that is unexpected.

That's a lot of sparkles. Did you sew them on yourself?

Yes, and I spent a long time picking out just the right shade of pink(!)

They're my sister's!

If you get caught wearing those,

I don't know you, man. We never met.

If I'd worn them, I would have got on the team.

I really wanted to get on the team!

Then we get Mr Rock to watch you batting again.

But this time you wear the socks.

It doesn't matter who you pick, you'll still lose.

Oh, really? Well, I have picked the most scientific, up-to-date

profiling techniques in the world

and I'm going to employ it right now.

All right, James Smith is going to be on my team.

# I don't know but I've been told

# Blue House team like eating mould!

THEY CHEER

# It turns them into robot sheep

# With breath so bad it makes you weep. Booyah! #

Get him!

Henry Zipzer, get back down this instant!

-Mr Rock, do something!

-OK.

Keep your eye on that ball!

Maybe I should get some sparkly pink socks.

You. My office. Now!

Can I say something?

That reminded me of my worst gigs.

Except I got to use my electric guitar as a bat. Pow!

Welcome to the team.

You! You! Up!

-My arm hurts.

-Does it hurt more or less than your pride?

Mum, Dad! I made the softball team!

-That's great, Hank!

-Well done, love.

And I got detention for a week.

A week? What did you do?

That can wait. Tell us about the try-outs.

Excuse me, some things are more important than sport!

-Nothing beats sport.

-Yeah, don't think so.

-I can't find them anywhere!

-Find what, sweetie?

My lucky pink socks. I need them for the quiz tomorrow!

Um... What do they look like?

Well, duh! They're pink. With sparkles on them.

At least they should be easy to spot. Have you seen them, Hank?

Nope, definitely not seen any pink socks.

Not at all. No, never.

She'll ace the quiz without them.

I'm keeping Lucky Socks.

I put them in the wash, and now they're gone.

It's all your fault!

-I didn't lose them!

-You had them last!

Oh, Emily. Don't cry.

La, la-la, la-la, la!

Don't worry, sweetheart. We will find your socks.

Argh!

EMILY SOBS

Keep your stinking socks then!

Henry, you get out here right now!

-What?

-Don't what me, young man.

Where exactly did those socks come from?

Well, first they had to pick the cotton to make the material,

-then they had to dye it pink...

-Henry, cut that out now.

-He stole my socks!

-I didn't steal them, I borrowed them.

Big difference.

-Thief!

-Shut your mouth, stink breath!

Right. Family meeting!

So I just need them for one day,

so I can be amazing in the softball game.

But I need them to be amazing at the quiz.

They're my socks, I should have them.

But there's no such thing as a lucky charm. Isn't that right, Stan?

Well, actually, I've interviewed loads of athletes

who swear by their lucky charms.

They use locks of hair, crystals, bus tickets, a piece of cheese...

Yeah, but my point is they don't actually work.

Well, Cologne University did a study and found that they DO work.

They boost confidence and improve overall performance.

Stan, you're not really helping -

because they both want the socks and there's only one pair.

-So split them. You each get a sock.

-Perfect!

You get to share the luck.

No! You need both socks to be lucky.

-I agree.

-And I should have them.

-I disagree.

-He stole them, I'm taking them back!

-I need them to win the game!

You could wear ten pairs of lucky socks. You'd still lose!

Right. That is it! No-one is having these socks!

Eww, at least wash them before you put them in my favourite trophy.

Or...later. We could wash them later.

-I got them first!

-They're my socks!

-Not any more!

-Want to bet?

-Get off!

-Get off!

They're mine!

Get off me!

-Get off!

-Get off!

Ow...

Oh, no! My trophies!

Right! I have had enough of this. Give me those socks.

BOTH: No!

Right. Now -

you two, back to bed.

-I'm the worst mum in the world.

-No, you're not.

I'm sure there are mothers everywhere

liquidising their kids' socks as we speak.

-I overreacted.

-Just a fraction, perhaps.

I'll stitch the pieces back together.

Good luck with that.

Ooh. Morning! Look, I've made you a special breakfast.

Pancakes with maple syrup and chocolate ice cream.

Mmm - with a side order of guilt.

And I've repaired the lucky socks! Who wants them?

Thanks, Mum, but I don't need them.

I'm going to use my backup charm - my lucky lizard pendant.

What? All this time you've had a backup?

All I had was the socks and now look at them!

That IS bad luck.

Maybe you could wear them as gloves?

Thanks, Mum - but I think their luck has run out.

GIGGLING

CHEERING

Strike two!

'So, everyone's expecting me to be the hero.

'Well, they're going to be disappointed.

'And I'm going to be humiliated.'

You can do it, Hank!

Just imagine you're still wearing your lucky pink socks!

CHANTING

Hank, forget about lucky socks.

Just go out there, keep your eyes open, focus on that ball, and swing.

But if I don't hit it, everyone'll hate me.

If you give it your best shot, no-one's going to hate you.

And if they do, it's THEIR problem.

SHOUTING AND JEERING

You're the last man. We need a home run to win.

No pressure then(!)

-DAD:

-You can do it, Hank!

-You nervous?

-Yeah.

-You need a lucky charm?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

This is the last pick that I used in the last gig with my band.

You take good care of it.

Did it bring you luck?

I was fired right after that gig.

How is that lucky?

Cos if I wasn't fired, I couldn't be your teacher.

Where would I be?

On the beach somewhere in the sunshine, frolicking with women

and my wild mates, huh? Instead of dodging raindrops.

You know what - there is no luck in this thing. I was mis-sold.

Hank? Listen to me.

YOU are the lucky charm.

All of that luck, it's inside you.

-You ready to hit that ball?

-Yeah.

-Are you ready to hit that ball?

-Yes!

-Hit me.

Watch out. Big hitter, everybody(!)

You can do it, Hank! You can do it, mate!

Strike one!

Strike two!

Come on, Hank. You can do this.

'Just keep my eyes open, focus on the ball and swing.'

Go, Hank! Yes.

Yes, yes, yes!

Ooh.

Sorry, son!

CHEERING

Go, Hank!

'Who needs lucky socks?

'I've done it. I've hit the winning run, become good at sport

'and above all...

'made my dad proud.'

'Meanwhile, someone else was proving she didn't need lucky socks either.'

-Who was the first US President?

-George Washington.

-Correct.

-When was the battle of Ha...?

-1066.

-Correct.

-Where is the Statue...?

-New York.

-Correct.

-And Emily Zipzer wins it for the blue team.

-BOTH: Yes!

'For the first time in its history, the House Challenge Cup was a draw.

'All the players got a replica trophy.

'Of course, it being me and Emily we couldn't leave it at a draw,

'so we decided to play a tie-breaker.'

After all, with my new lucky shoes on, there's no way I can lose!

-Yes!

-Yes!

Henry! Get down off that chair!

You sound just like the old crab. Oh er...hello, Miss Adolf!

We have found the King of Siam, Hank Zipzer.

I'm going to get that part off your brother if it's the last thing I do.

-I don't remember that line.

-I thought we could improvise!

Breaking news, everyone - he's not a real king.

One mark off for not writing your full name and date.

-You can't take a point off for that.

-I can and I did.

I don't want to be an A star. I want to be a stage star.

We've got a play to put on! Huh?