The Curtain Went Up, My Trousers Fell Down Hank Zipzer

When you're bottom of the class, you become an easy target.

And recently, the bull's-eye on my back

has been getting bigger and bigger.

Henry Zipzer! F!

You got an F! You got an F!

You got an F!

THEY IMITATE A MONKEY

They don't see a kid with dyslexia trying his best,

they see a weak member of the herd they can eat for lunch.

I was sick of being seen as a loser.

If only I could find something I could be good at.

And that's when I saw it...

auditions for the school play.

APPLAUSE

Oh, you should totally audition for that.

Yeah, I'm a pretty good actress.

Katie Sperling! This just got even better.

Don't even think about it, Zitzer.

I will be the King of Siam and you will be my servant boy.

It's time to get my King on.

FANFARE

Arise, Sir Frankie!

I am at your service, your royal Hankness.

If Miss Adolf catches you using her fencing sword, she's...

Going to kill you.

Whoa!

I didn't know you could do her voice. Say something else.

Henry! Get down off that chair!

How did you do that without moving your lips?

You sounded just like the old crab!

Oh, er, hi, Miss Adolf.

Just practising for the auditions at lunchtime.

Which you won't be going to.

You failed the test on long division,

so from now on, your lunchtimes will be spent studying

with your new peer tutor.

I need a volunteer to tutor Henry.

You'll get a badge.

Ah!

Not Heather Payne. Not Miss Perfect.

Miss "I'd Love To Do Homework For The Rest Of My Life."

Miss "I'll Do Anything For A Badge."

Laboratory analysis shows school sausages only have 5% pork content.

You sent our sausages to a lab?

You can find out anything these days

if you've got a jiffy bag and the internet.

Well, do you think you could inform me,

before telling the rest of the world about a crisis in our cafeteria?

What story are you working on now?

I'm investigating the school governors' plans

-to sell off part of the playing field.

-Ah...

No, no, right...

I want you to put that on hold and write a piece about...

..the school play.

Show the readers how much hard work goes into putting on a production,

how it brings the whole school together -

all for one and one for all, that kind of thing.

That's not a real story, that's celebrity gossip.

It's a good news story and it's what this school needs.

Now, get out.

Quicker.

Quicker.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the open try-outs for the auditions

for this year's musical, The King of Siam, directed by Mr Rock.

All right, so, this play has got everything - it's got tears,

it's got laughter, it's got songs, it's got war.

HE BLOWS A FANFARE

It is the story about the King of Siam, who hires Anna to teach his...

..19 kids - don't ask -

but then, all of a sudden, they start to clash...

Their relationship falls off the edge of the cliff.

DESCENDING NOTE

It's going to be wonderful. So, I need a king, I need...

-Sir, Sir...

-Excuse me?

Hello, Emily Zipzer, Westbrook Weekly.

How are you? Nice to see you.

What is it like being a director? Is it very stressful?

No, it's not stressful.

I mean, you know what happens,

you get to see the entire production grow, come alive, and entertain.

But didn't the storage sheds for the sets burn down last year?

Yes, the storage shed burnt down, but we've got a plan this year,

we're using fire-retardant paint. Thank you.

And didn't the entire cast come down with chicken pox on the first night?

What are you? The bearer of bad news?

Yes, they got sick, I'm hoping they're going to stay healthy.

You guys going to stay healthy this year? See?

And is it true that only 14 tickets were sold

for last year's performance?

OK...

Yes.

Only 14 people showed up for the whole play last year,

it was mostly parents. I mean, you direct, you rehearse

and then nobody comes, it was like - you could hear crickets in here.

-Thank you!

-Thanks for bringing that up.

Miss Zipzer, could you do me a favour?

Could you write me a nice report?

How about a...a tenner?

Is that bribery?

I LOVE maths.

Love, love, love it!

And long division is my favourite thing ever.

Now, have a look and tell me what you see.

Well, Ranjit's trying to break his record for how many samosas

he can eat in a minute.

RETCHING

And now Luke is going to need a clean jumper.

Are you going to be serious about this or what?

I'm definitely going for the "or what".

This isn't a joke, Hank. I want you to come with me

as I lead you down the path to mathematical excellence.

Before we set off, I just need to use the loo.

You will teach my children what I want them to learn.

I am the King of Siam and you WILL obey me.

My goodness, Mr McKelty, you were fantastic!

All right, kids, that's the end of the audition for today.

Now, it is verdict time.

Who is going to be the king?

Sorry I'm late, sir!

The auditions are over, Zitface.

Oh, no, I think we can find some time for Hank, don't you?

Katie, would you please read Anna for us?

All right, we'll start on page three.

Look at your scripts.

'This is your big chance. Don't mess it up.'

Just doing my warm-up exercises.

Ready!

Erm, Your Majesty, would you like me to teach you how to dance?

A king doesn't dance.

A king sits upon his throne

and watches, as others dance for his entertainment.

Now, I command you to dance for me.

Dance!

Dance!!

I'm the King of Siam and you WILL obey me.

Wow, OK!

Hank Zipzer, front and centre.

All right, everybody, I think we have found the King of Siam -

-Hank Zipzer!

-Thank you.

I gave up my lunchtime to teach you long division

and this is how you repay me?

When you fail your next maths test, it'll be me that Miss Adolf blames!

Shame on you, Hank Zipzer! Shame on you.

And I think we have found our new Anna!

We have?

Yes, we have! You are wonderful.

All right, auditions are over.

Thank you Mr Rock,

but some of us prefer to spend their free time doing something useful,

like studying.

Oh. Well, in that case, Katie would you play Anna?

Yes.

Rehearsals will be at lunchtime and you will not be late.

Go memorise your lines.

The King hereby proclaims his maths tutoring is over.

Can you tell our readers what it feels like

-to get turned down for a part?

-Get lost.

OK, I'll say you feel "lost" and you're struggling to get over it.

You want a story? I'll give you a story.

I'm going to get that part off your brother if it's the last thing I do.

Thank you!

I always say, this boy should be on the stage!

Tonight you get to choose what we have for tea.

Your wish is my command.

The king and his subjects will have the finest pepperoni pizza

in all the land.

Erm...will the king accept meatballs?

I will allow it.

Breaking news, everyone...

He's not a real king.

I will find the appropriate punishment for you, peasant girl.

I heard that!

Have you thought about how you're going to learn all your lines?

Oh, Stan, let him enjoy the moment

before you start worrying him about that.

He's the king, he can get someone else to learn his lines.

Well, you just let us know if you need any help.

They need parents to volunteer to help sell tickets and stuff.

There's a meeting at school tomorrow.

Then we shall report to the palace and receive our commands.

The king would now like to stay up all night watching horror movies.

Yeah, didn't think that would work.

I must insist Henry Zipzer spend his lunchtimes studying,

not gadding about pretending to be a king!

So, I take that as - you are not a fan of the arts?

I'm not a big fan of students defying their teachers

and getting away with it.

Well, the Academy must...

must champion both the arts and the sciences.

But I just wouldn't want Hank's poor maths results

to drag down the stats for his year.

So, I think...

Absolutely.

Absolutely. You know what? I'm going to cancel the play.

Great.

I think it's for the best.

Oh, I forgot to tell you,

the newspaper was going to do this big spread on Westbrook,

they wanted pictures of the headmaster,

the children and everything.

West...Westbrook Academy?

No, no, no, luckily, they can do it on Eastbrook,

cos they're doing a bigger musical,

they've got an orchestra, so, you know, it's great.

Ta-ta!

Eastbrook...

I have decided it is in the best interests of the school

that you are allowed to take part in the play.

But that does not mean you are getting out of learning maths!

I have agreed with Mr Love

that you will do your peer tutoring sessions with Heather after school.

-So, she's free after school?

-Mm.

She doesn't have a nuclear physics club to go to or something?

When you resit your long division test, I expect you to get a B-plus

or I'll be staying after school to teach you myself.

I'm getting a B-plus.

How many injuries have you had so far during rehearsals?

So far, it's mainly been paper cuts. Those scripts are lethal.

Do you worry how you would react in a real emergency?

I'd stay calm and follow my first aid training.

But what if you panicked and froze?

That's not going to happen.

But how can you know for sure?

Thank you!

We wouldn't be able to put these school plays on

without the generous support of our parents,

so thank you all for coming along.

Who would like to volunteer to make the costumes?

Mm-hm.

And build the set?

Make refreshments?

Who'd do that?

Handle ticket sales?

Organise a raffle?

Mm.

Write the programme?

Grrr...Excellent!

I think the show's going to be a great success.

All right, go go. You can go.

Engine room, this is your captain speaking.

Take us up to warp speed.

Your Majesty, I need a schoolroom,

I can't teach the children in the palace garden.

'This is impossible. I can't do this.

'What will Katie think?

'There's only one thing for it.

'I had to let my brain take over.'

Then you shall have the finest schoolroom in all of Siam!

I don't remember that line in the script?

-I thought we could improvise.

-That was great in the audition,

but, here, we don't have a lot of rehearsal time left,

so when the people are filling this hall you're going to need your words.

You want to try it again? Now just relax. Come on.

Just shake it out. Brrrrr.

Brrr.

No, no, no really. Shake it out. Brrrr!!

-Brrrr.

-OK, here we go, do it again.

I can't teach the children in a palace garden.

I, erm...

Nature is the best schoolroom, it holds all the lessons of life.

Thanks, Nick. Can we use Nick instead?

I can learn the lines, it's not a problem.

It's a big problem.

A farmer has 42 eggs, which he needs to put into egg boxes.

Each box contains 12 eggs. How many egg boxes can he fill?

Could he make a big omelette instead?

Why does everything have to be a big joke with you?

Maybe if you used your brain to think about the problem,

instead of something funny, you wouldn't be here.

Do you know what it's like to have a brain that doesn't work?

To feel totally stupid?

I do, that's my life.

Every single day.

If I can't work out how to teach you

then I'm the stupid one, Hank, not you.

-Everybody hates me, don't they?

-No!

They think I'm a swot and stuck up.

Well, sometimes you can come across a bit too perfect.

You know the real reason I turned down the play?

I get nervous on stage. Totally freeze up.

-Really?

-You make it look so easy. How do you do it?

It helps if you don't mind making a fool of yourself.

And I do that a lot.

I think you'll make a great king and a great mathematician.

I just need a Plan B.

Plan B! Why didn't I think of that?

Tell me again exactly what he said.

He ran in, threw this at me,

and said he was going to see how much a crane costs.

A crane? "Hank's plan B. Ways to learn my..."

Hold on.

That's better. "Ways to learn my lines.

"1 - Suspend Frankie over the stage on a crane

"and let him whisper them to me."

Nah.

"2 - Train a mouse to sit on my shoulder

"and let it whisper the lines to me."

No!

"Asterisk - need to teach mouse to talk. See number 2."

This is hopeless.

Switch all power to the front shields and prepare for re-entry.

Captain Frankie has an idea!

Our border is under attack.

I must travel north at once with my army.

You mustn't put yourself in danger!

A king must lead his men into battle or he is not truly a king.

Holy smoke, look who's learning his lines.

Congratulations. I'm so proud of you.

That was awesome, you were word perfect.

Maybe you could come over to my house later and help me learn mine?

-OK, sure.

-OK, you know what we're going to do now?

Let's do the song, top of act two. All right, you know it?

You guys ready?

All right kids, here we go.

Good energy. One, two, three, four.

BAND PLAYS

# A king should always be...

# A-dooba dooba do do... #

-Can you hear me OK?

-# Dabba dabba do! #

How about if we "dooby dooby doo" right into the words?

# A-dabba dabba doo... #

# A king should never stray... #

FEEDBACK

Frankie.

Come here, go and get the nurse as quickly as you can.

You'll be fine.

Can this day get any worse?

Miss Adolf is giving us a maths test after lunch.

Yes, it can.

I've had an idea how to teach you. Come on!

There are 31 chips on this plate.

Put 12 on that plate and 12 onto this one...

How many chips have you got left?

Seven.

So how many times does 12 go into 31?

Two times, with seven chips left over!

-Correct, Hank!

-I can do long division!

-You can do long division!

-Yes!

This is getting weird. We're almost like, well...

almost like friends.

Eurgh!

I can't believe I missed it. A fractured femur!

I could've practised my leg splints.

Do you think she'll let me sign her cast?

-I've always wanted to do that.

-Where's Hank Zipzer?

He'll be here in a minute. Shall I give him a message?

Tell him I hate him!

I've got to wear this ugly thing for three months - and I don't do ugly!

This role was going to make me a star.

I might need to write this down...

Instead of going to Hollywood, I'm hobbling around on crutches!

And it's all his fault!

Didn't feel like the right moment.

Which of these fonts looks the best?

Copperplate Gothic or Rockwell Extra Bold?

I thought you were building the sets?!

Yes, it's on my to-do list.

Tell me you've done more than just design the tickets?

Choosing the right font is very important.

I have made 20 outfits

and an elephant costume in the time it's taken you to do that!

Well you may be happy doing a rush job,

but some of us take pride in our work.

(See the chips, Hank, see the chips.)

I needed 28 for a B-plus.

That meant no more than four red crosses.

One...two...

three...

..four...

Four wrong. B-plus.

Yes! I got a B-plus! A B-plus!

And one mark off

for not writing your full name and date in the upper right hand corner.

-What?!

-Minus five. B.

You can't take a point off for that!

I can, and I did.

But that's not fair, Miss.

He got a B-plus. You can't mark him down for the name and date!

Miss Payne, may I remind you that I am teacher in this classroom?

I set the rules and decide what is fair or not.

Rules must be followed if high standards are to be achieved.

You of all people should know that.

Do you know what all these buttons do?

Not a clue. I just press them and see what happens.

Aren't you worried you could mess up the whole production?

Not really.

But you could ruin everything.

You worry too much.

Thank you.

Thanks, Heather. I think I'm going to frame it.

I'm sure it'll be the first of many.

I dunno, you see...

the problem with my brain is it just doesn't seem to remember anything.

Like my lines in the play.

I could help you learn them. I know some good memory tricks.

You can't cancel the play! We can find a new Anna.

No, we're never going to find someone

who can memorise the lines that quickly, I'm so sorry, Hank.

Heather could do it, she's got an amazing brain.

I can't do it. I'd die of stage fright.

I'll help you with your nerves.

Maybe now we can get back to learning things that matter.

I'll do it.

But I thought you said you didn't want to be in a play

because it got in the way of your studies?

I don't care about my studies.

-I don't care what grade I get.

-Oh!

I don't want to be an A-star, I want to be a stage star.

-I want to sing! I want to dance!

-SHE GASPS

Well, come on, kids, let's get back to rehearsal

because we've got a play to put on. Huh?! Come on!

Everybody, come here, huddle up.

I want you to go out there and have a great time.

Put on a great play.

The band is ready, are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Ready!

-Here we go. One two, three!

Here we go. All right, kids.

Ssh. And...

APPLAUSE

'I can't remember anything.

'Stupid brain!

'How can it do this to me now?'

Your Majesty, it is such an honour to meet you.

'I can't remember a single line! What am I going to do?

'Come on, brain, help me out here!'

Frankie...

Welcome to Siam...

Welcome to Siam, Miss Leonowens. Welcome to my kingdom.

(Thank you.)

(You're welcome.)

'I can do this!'

-'NO!'

-LAUGHTER

Look, Mum. He's got the same pants as me!

'Come on, brain, do something, quick, quick, quick!'

Your highness, allow me to present you with this gift.

I brought it all the way from my homeland.

Thank you, Anna, for that elegant gift.

It makes me feel like I want to dance.

Palace musicians, I command you to play.

OK. One, two, three, four!

It was a triumph - and I did it.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And that's how I became the king of Siam

in the most successful play in the school's history.

Ah! "School Play A Triumph!" Well done, Emily.

Very good.

"Scandal of School Playing Fields Sell-off."

Emily! Emily!

Which is more powerful?

Fruit or vegetables?

It's a joint project.

Zips here is going to wreck all your work.

I might be a bit slow, but I think I can get the job done...

Oops!

Sorry, everyone, it's not my fault - it's just how my brain works.

-Lost your new phone?

-No.

It's ringing.

-What are we listening to?

-Oh! Nothing.

What has happened in here?

What have you done?

-I'm just doing what you told me to.

-What?!

-ROBOT VOICE:

-Hello, Rosa. You have missed your hair appointment.