Battle of the Goblins Hank Zipzer

I'm dead.

I mean, not really dead.

If I was really dead, everyone would be crying

and saying what an amazing person I was.

No, I'm the kind of dead where my best friend hates me,

and I just got pelted with tomatoes, and it's all my own fault.

It all started when we were working on our science project.

How's your project going, Ashley?

Oh, I did my project in my sleep.

No need to show-off.

No, I've been listening to foreign radio stations

in my sleep to see if my brain absorbs any new languages.

New languages?

You do schoolwork in your sleep? That's intense.

-Did it work?

-Not really.

Nyet. I mean nein.

-I mean tidak. I mean...

-What are you talking about?

-Je ne sais pas!

-OK, that was weird.

Talking of weird, Zitzer, what's your project?

Finally going to learn to spell your own name?

Glad you asked. I'm going to tackle an age-old question.

Which is more powerful - fruit or vegetables?

That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.

Just what we'd expect from you, eh, Frankie?

It was my idea, actually. It's a joint project.

Big mistake there, Frankie,

cos Zip's here's going to wreck all your work.

Think again, McKelty. I can trust Hank.

McKelty's right - he can't trust me.

Lovely. Thank you.

Oh, Pop, come here. You will not believe what I have got.

Let me guess.

-A new phone?

-Yeah.

Every week you have a new phone.

Then you break it, the next week you have a new one again.

No, but this one talks.

Every phone talks, Rosa. That's the whole point of a telephone.

But it talks by itself. Go on, ask it a question.

-What question?

-Oh, I don't know, anything.

Erm, what should I have for lunch?

No, not like that. Ask it something it knows,

-like, "What day is it?" or... PHONE:

-Hello, Rosa.

The weather today is sunny.

Very impressive.

Apart from the fact that I'm not you, and it's raining.

Such a waste of money.

Anyway, here's a question for you - what are these?

They're called tomatoes.

I would have thought as a retired deli owner you'd remember that.

I know what they are. But why twelve crates?

And 100 lemons?

Hank changed the order, Mrs Z.

What? Why? Where is he?

These things don't grow on trees!

Well, yeah, OK, the lemons do. But I mean....

It's for a science project, Mrs Zipzer.

Yeah! Me and Hank are working on it together.

OK, why didn't you say? Help yourselves.

-Thanks Mrs, Z!

-Thanks, Mrs Zipzer!

Right. Now, where was I?

-PHONE:

-Your current location is The Spicy Salami Deli.

'This is the den,

'where me, Ashley and Frankie hang out and come up with crazy schemes.'

Ta-da!

How is this a science project?

Well, I saw this thing online where they wired up loads of lemons

-and it made a bulb light up.

-Boring, right?

Then I thought, if I wire it to a horse race,

suddenly it's exciting!

The fruit is a sort of battery.

Yeah, it works by...

The acids in the fruit conducting electrons between different metals.

Exactly what I was going to say.

Look, I've made spectators out of pegs and given the horses names.

Right. And the actual science part?

Yeah. Still working on that.

-Hank!

-Don't worry, you go catch your bus to Games Kingdom.

Games Kingdom?

Yeah, the new console's out this afternoon.

Voice activated, limited edition!

It's going to sell out in nanoseconds.

Did I mention?

Frankie is currently obsessed with online gaming.

He's in the world's top five at Goblin Smackdown.

Frankie, you have to get that console.

I can do this, trust me.

I can help. If I shift my homework hour to after swimming practice

and before my clarinet lesson, which gives me...

two and a half minutes! Sorry!

Are you sure you can handle this, Hank?

I might be a bit slow, but I think I can get the job...

Argh!

Oops.

Plan B. You finish the project,

I'll go get your console.

OK, I've got Frankie's money and I know which bus to catch - 48 -

and the name of the shop.

What could go wrong?

WIND HOWLS

POLICE SIREN

EAGLE SCREECHES

-OK, some stuff

-could

-go wrong,

but it won't.

I'm going to guard this cash, catch the 48, and buy Frankie's console.

Here we go.

OK, I've got the cash, I'm on the number 48...

What?!

I'm on the wrong bus! Nooooooooo!

Oh, I'm sure Hank will be back any moment, Frankie.

He's messed up everything else he's done in his entire life,

he's bound to get something right soon.

It's statistically inevitable.

Em, Have you seen my new phone, Stan?

-PHONE:

-Certainly Rosa. Phoning Stan.

PHONE RINGS

That's very impressive, Rosa.

Yeah, all right, I'm having a few teething problems.

Would you like me to book a dentist appointment Rosa?

No, thank you.

The point is, this is the most advanced phone on the market.

It's got voice recognition and a twelve megapixel camera...

It's a 16 megapixel camera.

My apologies.

I'll give it two days, tops,

before you either lose or destroy it, exactly like all the others.

Why does no one think I can look after a phone?

Hmm, let me think...

They don't believe it... Oh!

PHONE PLOPS Oops!

Oops!

Oops!

OK, so I've had a couple of mishaps.

But not this time.

Yeah, two days, tops. Bet you'll lose it.

Sorry, Mrs Z!

It's OK, Frankie, if it's not you it'll be something else.

Did you get it? You did get it?

Tell me you got it.

The thing is, Frankie...

There was this tornado...

I mean, an eagle came down and...

I got on the wrong bus. I'm sorry.

You can yell at me if you like.

No. It's OK.

See you tomorrow.

I finished our project, by the way.

You know me - when I make a promise, I keep it.

I think I'd feel a lot better if he yelled at me.

So, to sum up, the evidence for the brain learning language

while asleep is inconclusive,

and will require further research to understand more fully.

Thank you, xie xie, and arrivederci.

APPLAUSE

Excellent, as always, Ashley. A-star.

Next - since we can't put it off forever -

Francis and Henry.

HE YAWNS

Thank you, Miss Adolf, for that stirring introduction.

Now, may I present...

the war of fruit and vegetables.

Ladies and gentlemen, please choose a horse -

Lemon Lightning or Turbo Tomato.

Each horse is wired to a fruit battery.

And...they're off!

The lemon takes an early lead, leaving the tomato to play ketchup!

But here comes the tomato on the inside!

What's happened to the lemon?

It has quite literally run out of juice!

Lemon Lightning is pipped at the post! The tomato takes it!

We hope you enjoyed our science project.

So, what, exactly, have you demonstrated?

That veggies are faster than fruit?

That in this case the lemon produced a stronger current,

but for a shorter period of time.

That too, obviously.

So what do you say, Miss? Grade A? I know you want to say A!

Unfortunately, Henry, the tomato is technically a fruit,

so your thesis is fundamentally flawed.

B.

Next, Nicholas McKelty.

Such a loser, Zipzer.

An invention allowing teachers to monitor students' behaviour

even when facing away from the classroom.

I present shoulder mirrors.

We were so close to that A. I could smell it.

It smelled of chocolate and fireworks.

Save it, Hank, I can't hear the presentation.

Say the lovely Miss Adolf

is writing something on the blackboard...

I don't think he's forgiven me yet.

Either that or he's really interested in shoulder mirrors.

Remind me I have a hair appointment on Wednesday at four.

-PHONE:

-You have a hair appointment on Wednesday at four.

No, not now. Remind me some time in the future.

Talking to yourself? First sign you've gone crazy.

Actually, I'm trying to talk to my phone.

That's the second sign.

Well, at least it proves I haven't lost it. Or broken...

it.

Hank! Come here!

How I love those little dimpled cheeks

and everything attached to them!

I never had dimpled cheeks before he started doing this.

And Ashley! How are you?

-Molto bene!

-Quando hai imparato a parlare Italiano?

-Di notte nel sonno.

-Qui brava!

-What are you saying?

-I've literally no idea.

And where's Frankie today?

He went home. He...had stuff to do.

Did you two have a fight?

Not so much a fight.

More I messed up and now he won't talk to me

cos I didn't get his new fancy voice-recognition console.

Don't worry, Hank. He'll get over it.

Hey! What if someone fixed up Frankie's old console

-so it did have voice recognition?

-Not a good idea, Hank.

That would take a genius with skills and abilities

almost beyond human comprehension.

You're right. Thanks Ashley!

Thanks for what?

'Operation Frankie - phase one.

'Enter Frankie's apartment.'

'Operation Frankie - phase two.

'Acquire Frankie's old games console.'

Hank?

Hank!

-Frankie will be back soon.

-Thanks.

Erm, I...just remembered, it's my, erm...

wedding anniversary!

'Phase Three - the easy bit.

'It's console-fixing time.'

-PHONE:

-Hi, Rosa.

-The time in Rio de Janeiro is...

-Shhhh!

OK, here goes.

Phone?

Phone? Where are you?

Phone? Phone?

-Lost your new phone?

-No.

Maybe.

Yes, I have, yes.

Have you tried ringing it?

I can't do that, Emily.

Because I have lost my phone.

Mm. Sarcasm. Helpful.

I meant ringing it with this.

Oh, I see, yeah. Very good, thanks.

It's ringing.

SHE WHISPERS: (OK.)

RINGING TONE

-(What are we listening to?)

-Oh!

Nothing! Just, erm...

Er, the beautiful sound of silence.

-Right.

-Yeah.

-Right.

-Yeah.

So you haven't...lost something then?

No!

KNOCKING Oh, look, someone at the door!

Mustn't keep them waiting.

She's lost her phone, hasn't she?

-Hi, Mrs Zipzer...

-Have you seen it?

-Seen what?

-(My phone. It's gone missing!)

-Oh. Have you asked Mr Zipzer?

-No! No!

Under no circumstances must this be mentioned to Stanley.

Or Papa Pete. Or anyone.

In fact, just forget I told you, OK?

OK.

Phone? Where are you?

(It knows my voice. It's got voice recognition.)

Voice recognition?!

Hank! What have you done?!

-What you told me to do.

-What?!

You told me to fix up Frankie's console

with the voice chip from Mum's phone.

-No I didn't!

-Well, that was the gist.

It was not the gist! I was very clear.

Nao ambiguo. Unzweideutig.

Huh?

Anyway, I've half finished it.

I've dismantled everything brilliantly.

It's just the putting-it-back-together part

-that's a bit difficult.

-Oh, Hank. Let me help.

Screwdriver.

Broken bit.

Other broken bit.

Frankie! CRASH

-Hi.

-Hello.

Look. I came to say sorry.

You made a mistake and got on the wrong bus.

Anyone could have done it.

-It was pretty stupid.

-Nah.

Stupid would be losing my best mate because of it.

So what do you say?

-PHONE:

-You have a hair appointment in two days' time.

What?

Th-that's great. I'm really sorry about yesterday, Frankie.

No biggie.

Why buy a voice-activated console when the old one still works?

-You did me a favour, really.

-I really didn't.

Anyway, tomorrow night it's Goblin Smackdown, the final battle.

I could become overlord of the whole kingdom!

Want to come round and watch me squash some orcs?

-Yeah, sure.

-Cool!

See you tomorrow.

Oh, no!

Now would be a great time to give me some really good advice.

Anything? Any language, I'm not fussy.

Maybe we can still fix it?

Yeah, before I did a massive belly-flop on it

and broke all the plastic.

Then we need to get a new one.

Who do we know who's got the same console?

-Emily?

-No.

You can't borrow my games console.

I saw what you did to that other one,

so if you even think about touching mine

Katherine is under strict instructions

to bite your fingers off.

That settles it.

I'll have to make a fake passport,

get on a plane and start a new life in Ecuador.

There is another way.

You could be honest and tell Frankie the truth.

How do you spell "passport"?

Hey, still on to watch my Goblin Smackdown tonight?

-Frankie, I need to talk to you...

-There's me and one other player

-fighting to become ultimate champion and...

-Frankie!

..and I really feel like I'm in the zone, you know? And...

What's that?

Tell me it's not what it looks like.

Because it looks like my console.

Smashed to bits!

That's stupid even for you, Zitzer.

Come and play the game at my place, bro.

I've got a 60-inch LCD, surround sound.

I was trying to be helpful.

Helpful? Helpful?!

-See, the way my brain works...

-No, Hank!

I always have to forgive you for doing dumb things

because "it's how your brain works".

Well, did you ever think maybe it's not your brain?

Maybe it's you.

We can all smash things up! Look, I'll smash something up!

Sorry, everyone! It's not my fault, it's just how my brain works!

'And this is where we came in.

'Oh, boy. I told you I was a dead man.

'McKelty is smugger than ever,

'Miss Adolf's going to turn me into tomato soup

'and, worst of all, I've lost my best fiend.'

What has happened in here?

I can tell you, Miss!

I don't want a name, Nicholas. I want a body, here,

for clean-up detention the minute school finishes,

and every night for the rest of the week.

Great. Now I don't even get to play the game.

Thanks, Hank.

Thanks for everything.

Well done, Zit. Huh, that's typical of you.

Great way to lose a best mate.

As I was saying -

dead man.

On your way.

Henry doesn't need any distraction from you.

But I'm here for my detention.

It's Henry's detention.

Don't try to take the blame for him, he's already confessed.

But, why would he pelt himself with tomatoes?

It's not my job to understand the boy,

merely to punish him.

You not in detention?

Great, then you can still play the Smackdown at mine.

My games room's got its own fridge, and a popcorn machine.

And do you know what else?

I haven't smashed up the game machine with a great big hammer.

That's sold it. Let's go.

Landline, eh? I thought you only used your mobile these days.

RINGING TONE

Er, yes, but I've run out of all my free minutes so...it's cheaper.

Anyway, it's busy.

I'll try later.

Why not just send a text?

From your mobile?

Yes!

Or I could email.

Yeah, that's what I'll do, I'll...

I'll email.

I wonder what the weather's going to be like tomorrow.

Could you check for me?

On your mobile?

Um...

No, no need, because... it'll be in the paper.

Oh, look! It's a rainbow.

Isn't that lovely?

You should take a photograph of that.

On your mobile.

Yes, it is lovely.

In fact, it's so lovely,

I, erm, think I'd rather draw it.

So, yeah...

Hey, Hankster.

Hey.

How was detention?

Awesome! Adolf wheeled in these massive speakers,

dropped some dubstep tracks and we all had a foam party.

Really?

Nah, not really.

How was McKelty's?

It was OK. He's got a massive telly,

but there's really strict rules.

Shoes off, no elbows on the furniture,

plump the cushions when you get up...

Wow. His parents sound tough.

His parents were out. These were McKelty's rules.

How was the Goblin Smackdown?

Oh, that.

-I did that. I won.

-Hey, great!

That makes you King of the Goblins! Well done!

Just means I beat some random other player.

Could have been anyone in the whole world.

Right! I've changed my mind. You can have my stupid console.

I never want to see it again!

I got beaten into second place by some stupid hobgoblin!

Huh. Small world.

To be honest, dude, I preferred racing tomatoes with you, anyway.

See, that's the problem,

cos I never want to see another tomato as long as I live.

Are you sure? Because I saved you one especially.

-'No, no! Get off me!'

-Chat to you later. Bye.

Who were you talking to, on your...mobile?

-Just my dad.

-How is he?

-Fine.

-Yeah?

He's also right there.

Hello!

And that's not a phone, it's a make-up mirror.

Yeah.

All right, fine, you've got me. I have lost my phone. Happy?

Oh, yes. Always happy to be proven right.

But this time I swear it's not my fault.

It's like it's vanished off the face of the earth!

-DISTORTED PHONE VOICE:

-Hello, Rosa,

you have missed your hair appointment.

Hank, is that you?

-Um...

-Would you like to make another appointment?

That's my phone!

Hank!

Mum, you see, the thing is...

MOANING

I need something less Halloween,

and more Hankoween!

-BOTH:

-Trick or treat!

Ahhhhhh!

That's scary.

This is smart casual, Miss Ad.

I wouldn't be seen dead in this.

Well, that can be arranged!

I've come up with the best Halloween costume ever.

Please tell me the garlic is at least to ward off vampires?

It's to add flavour, duh!

I'm a Germ.

You make me sick.

I didn't realise you two were such good friends.

We're always having a laugh together.

Hi, Nick.

You really capture that Halloween feeling of

eyeballs squishing between your teeth.

Red card! OUT!

You leave my sister alone!

Or what?