Haunted Hank Hank Zipzer

OK, Halloween costume ideas - go!

A hideous giant eyeball, complete with squirting eyeball goo...

..wardrobe zombie...

Rargh!

Brains... Bleurgh...!

..or, most terrifying of all, Ms Adolf.

You! No talking, no chewing and no breathing!

Nah...

They're all too obvious.

I need something less Halloween...

and more Hankoween!

Hank, it's time for school.

Oh, no, not Halloween again?

-It's every year, dad.

-Hank!

Can't they make it every four years, like the Olympics?

Oh, come on, Stan, everyone loves Halloween.

-I don't, and I'm part of everyone!

-Well, you'd better start loving it,

because it's a big day at the deli, and I need your help.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hank, your friends are here!

So am I!

Don't let my appearance fool you, because I am completely ready.

Hey, Hankster, how's it going?

Mm, OK.

The annual Mum versus Dad Halloween argument's kicking off,

and I'm NOT getting into it.

But, on the plus side,

I've come up with the best Halloween costume ever.

-Go on, ask me what it is.

-What is it?

You'll have to wait and see - but it'll blow your minds.

Do you mean it'll actually cause a brain haemorrhage,

-or will it just surprise us a bit?

-Both.

But not the brain thing. But it IS amazing!

Even more amazing than the school letting Mr Rock

throw a Halloween party in the first place.

Hi!

You are aware that it's not actually Halloween yet.

Why are you in costume three days early?

This is not a costume.

This is the way I dress all the time -

this is smart-casual, Ms A.

Gotcha!

No, you didn't.

Anyway, I don't see why we need a disco.

When I was at school I never indulged in fun of any kind.

Yeah, not a lot has changed, huh?

Yeah. Well, this year, I'm going to get you into the Halloween spirit.

What size do you think you wear?

17-wicked?

Ugh!

I wouldn't be seen dead in this.

Well, that can be arranged.

I hope they let me spin the decks at the disco.

Lay down some beats for MC Frankie's heavy Halloween hits.

What, so you're into DJing now?

I've ALWAYS been into DJing...

since last Monday night. BELL RINGS

What do you think Hank's costume is?

Knowing him, it could be anything.

I just hope he doesn't make it too... Zipzerish.

You mean like the "transforming" Mary and Joseph

-he made for the Nativity?

-Exactly.

Acceptable Halloween costumes are - vampire, werewolf, ghost,

or any other living dead...

Maybe a mummy, if he's got as lot of toilet roll.

But you know Hank's going to find them all far too boring.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

Are you ready yet?

I wanted to get there early.

I wanted a hamster instead of a baby sister -

but life is full of disappointments.

Is that meant to be...

You'll see it when it's finished. And it'll be better than...

What are you supposed to be, exactly?!

-I'm a unicellular eukaryotic organism.

-Simpler.

-A protozoon.

-Simpler.

I'm a germ.

I know, but what's your costume?

Ha...ha.

Germs are the deadliest killers in the world.

Death. Killing. It's SO predictable. Wait till you see mine!

I AM waiting. I've been waiting since you got home from school.

Well, it's going to be worth it.

And at least I won't look like something

that just came out of an ogre's nose!

-TANNOY:

-Welcome to the Westbrook Academy Halloween ball.

Tonight's going to be really "ghoul"!

EVIL LAUGHTER

What a fantastic costume.

Go and have a great time, AJ.

Wow.

Now, that is an inventive costume.

Are you kidding me?!

I thought you said you wouldn't be seen dead in a costume on Halloween.

No, I said I wouldn't be seen dead in your tawdry witch's hat.

If something's worth doing, Mr Rock, it's worth doing properly.

Yeah! Give me a high eight.

Give me a five!

Rock'n'roll!

So, just for my edification, what kind of spider are you?

An Amazonian bird-eating spider.

SHE SCREAMS

You have got SUCH a way with kids.

I have got to take a lesson from you(!)

So, what do you think?

Well, it's...

er, different.

Dude, you're a table.

It's a...scary table?

One from my mum's deli.

Look, I've even got breadsticks and garlic oil.

Please tell me the garlic is at least to ward off vampires.

It's to add flavour, duh. Why would I ward off vampires?

Because it's Halloween!

What does a table from the deli have to do with anything?

I was thinking of going as a medium.

You know, someone who sits at a table and talks to ghosts.

"Knock once if you can hear me,

"knock twice if you can't" - that sort of thing.

Then I just thought - tables are really cool.

I don't know, exactly,

but the point is, my costume is completely original.

SCREAMING

Zombies, mummies, ghosts... Oh, no, what was I thinking?

It's times like this that I hate my brain.

DERISIVE LAUGHTER

Zitzer, you've ACTUALLY come as...a piece of furniture?

Ooh, scary(!) Watch out...

there's a chair behind you!

You really are a loser, aren't you, Zitzer?

Ow!

-TANNOY:

-Stop your dancing feet,

the Prince of Darkness has something to say.

Hey, Zitzer!

Attention, everybody.

We have the results for the lamest costume competition,

and it's a clean sweep for the Zitzer family,

tied between Hank's table of terror and his sister Emily's....

What are you, exactly?

Is that...snot?!

LAUGHTER

I'm a unicellular eukaryotic...

I'm not going through all that again.

I'm a germ.

She's come as the sniffles.

You make me sick.

Get it?

Cos you're a germ!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER ECHOES

That's when the Zipzer preservation instinct kicked in.

I know we might be enemies most of the time,

but no-one insults my little sister in this school.

I'm going to make McKelty eat his words.

Just call me Hank Zipzer, vampire slayer.

You leave my sister alone.

Or what?

You'll make me sit down and have a meal at you?

Honestly, Zitzer, do you even know what Halloween is?

'And then it came to me -

'if McKelty wants horror, I'll give him horror.'

Yeah, of course.

In fact, it's Halloween every day at our house,

because our flat is haunted.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

Yeah. Come and see for yourself if you're man enough.

OK, you're on.

Tomorrow, Halloween, sundown.

CLANG!

-Oops.

-DERISIVE LAUGHTER

Anyone got a broom?

Ways to scare Nick - number one.

Make ghosts by draping sheets over helium balloons.

Whoooo...!

Number two, hide Dad's razor till he grows his beard

so he looks like a werewolf.

THUNDERCLAP

HE GURGLES

HE GROWLS

HE HOWLS

Number three.

Trick real ghosts into thinking our flat is a graveyard.

GHOSTLY MOANS AND WAILS

APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

-Um, Hank, are you doing your homework?

-Yep.

-Voluntarily?

-Yeah. I got up early to have a head start.

Er, Stanley, are you seeing this too?

That is really good, Hank.

Education is training. Train hard, fight easy.

And I can honestly say I am spending the whole day

-doing a school project.

-Great.

Right, well, we'd better get a hurry on because those candied eyeballs

and marzipan zombie fingers just won't make themselves.

Or if they did, it would be quite scary. Whoo!

I still don't understand how you can get so excited

by food that looks so disgusting.

It's called fun, Stan!

Yeah, cos nothing says "fun" like a plateful of guts and brains.

Yes. And Halloween also says "extra customers" and "more takings".

So, come on, let's hurry up.

Ah, my right-hand man and my left-hand girl!

Always get those two mixed up.

So, what have you got?

Introducing...

..Dr Boneman.

If he's a doctor, I'd hate to see his patients.

-Halloween make-up.

-And I've got fishing line.

That sounds less haunted-housey than ours.

Ah, but... when I tie it to things...

-Whoa!

-Wow!

Oh, wow(!)

What are you up to?!

You're going to be in so much trouble with Mum and Dad

if you do something crazy.

You'll be grounded till next Halloween.

We're creating a haunted house to scare Nick McSmellsy.

-Nice nickname.

-I know. I just thought of it.

Once he's running out of here screaming,

he'll never be mean to you again.

You mean you're doing this for me?

Wow, I suppose I am.

Wow.

OK.

Let the fun commence.

How do I look?

-Absolutely hideous.

-Oh, thank you.

-Sta-an! Start having fun...now!

-Do I have to?

-Yes!

HE SIGHS

HE MOANS

Oh, that's better. I like the moaning.

Oh, well, yeah, you'll be getting a lot of that.

Mm-hm-hm...

Oh, man, what's that stink? It's rank!

Hank's making a rotting corpse smell.

He's got a rotting corpse? Can I see it?

What?! No. It's one of Mum's cabbage recipes.

An actual rotting corpse would've smelt better.

-How are the peeled grape eyeballs coming along?

-Peeled grapes?

That's so fake! I got real sheep's eyeballs from the butcher.

Eurgh!

He also threw in a bunch of livers, kidneys and guts.

Hank says we were going to use sausages to look like intestines.

Yeah. Well, you know what looks more like intestines? Intestines.

SCREAMING

MC Frankie's spooky soundscape.

Can I get a...?

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

Oh, yeah! I downloaded a bunch of killer sound effects.

And I'm mixing them with some even scarier sounds I've recorded myself.

SPOOKY BABY'S CRIES

A baby crying.

WEIRD GURGLING

Cool, an angry walrus.

No, it's my dad snoring.

And, finally.

'PAY ATTENTION, BOY!'

-When did you record that?

-I don't know.

It could've been any lesson with Hank and Miss Adolf in it.

According to my list, there's just one thing missing.

-A severed head.

-Do you want me to go back to the butcher's?

What butcher's do you shop at?!

Grrr! Whooo! Rarrr!

Grrrr!

-BOTH:

-Trick or treat?

THEY SCREAM

-Stan?

-It's too hot with this on.

Where is your Halloween spirit?

It's struggling to breathe under this mask.

Don't make me come over there and...

-DEEP VOICE:

-..eat your brain.

Yeah, all right, all right.

-Trick or treat?

-Oh, er, treat, please.

No, no, no, the kids get the treats.

Oh, so what's in it for me, then?

Well, that's just not how it works.

You look really scary. Doesn't she?

Yeah, yeah, very horrific.

But you, madam,

that's a great witch costume.

Full marks. I mean, really horrible.

I'm NOT wearing a costume.

OK, do you know what? I will finish up here.

Serve that boy up there.

And remember, Halloween spirit!

Can I tempt you with one of our tasty house specialities?

Gruesome, aren't they?

Instead of biting your nails, you can

pretend you're biting somebody else's.

CRUNCH

Or, or, or...

when you pop one of these in your mouth, you really

capture that Halloween feeling

of eyeballs squishing between your teeth.

HE GAGS

Right, that is it!

What?

You are terrible at Halloween and you're ruining it for everyone else!

Go on, get out! Go home!

-Are you putting me in the sin bin?

-No. Look, I am sending you off.

Red card. Out!

SHE SIGHS

Now that's scary.

Wait. So when was I beheaded exactly?

-I don't know. Medieval times?

-Don't be silly.

The longest record of a decapitated head surviving was 30 seconds.

So let's say I was beheaded just before Nick arrives.

-HE SIGHS

-Does it matter?

I can't get into character if it's not medically accurate.

Whatever!

-If I just loosen this here.

-RIPPING

I can put that back later.

Probably.

-DOOR OPENS

-Action stations. Nick's here.

Frankie's spooky soundscape. Go, go, go!

Welcome to Hank's haunted... Dad!

Yeah?

Why?

Who else were you expecting?

-SPOOKY SOUNDSCAPE

-Whargh!

What...is going on?

Um...

Trick or treat?

I don't know what you kids think you're playing at,

but I've had it up to here with Halloween!

Now, you're going to put everything back just how it was!

Now!

Well done, gang. I think that's it.

Aagh!

-HE SIGHS

-Now show me your homework.

Hank's finished it all, Dad.

I have?

I mean...I have.

Hmm...

Good.

Very good.

-Too good.

-What?

You think I can't tell the difference between your work

and Emily's. Well, let's see.

Yours...Emily's.

Yours...

Emily's.

They look the same to me, Dad.

You are in big trouble, young man.

It's bad enough you lie to me,

but then you get your sister to do your homework,

and then you make her lie to me too!

-And YOU should know better.

-I do know better.

-But there were extenuating circumstances.

-Yeah.

Whatever they are.

-You don't have to cover for him, Emily.

-I'm not.

You always tell us to stand up to bullies.

So that's what I'm doing.

What? By wrecking out flat? What were these bullies doing?

Teasing you for living somewhere too neat?

McKelty and his friends made fun of my Halloween costume

because it wasn't scary.

Which is ridiculous

because flesh-eating bacteria are about as scary as it gets.

And we thought if we gave McKelty the scare of his life,

he'd lay off teasing Emily.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Come in, Nick.

Hi. Hank invited me over.

I didn't realise you two were such good friends.

Yes. We are always having a laugh together.

Well, any friend of Hank's is a friend of the entire family.

-Welcome to the team.

-Thanks, Mr Zipzer.

-Come on. We're through here.

CREEPY MUSIC

CLOCK TICKING SLOWLY

Hi, Nick.

-All right, Zip...zer.

-Won't you sit down, Nick?

We are just having one of Hank's mum's famous Italian recipes.

Drink?

I hope cranberry juice is OK.

Yeah, thanks.

-So, where is this ghost you were talking about?

-Ghost? Ha-ha!

There are no ghosts. Hank is always making up stories.

Such an imagination!

ALL LAUGH

I was just kidding. You know me!

ALL LAUGH

Hank. Plates, please.

Nick. Help yourself.

-Guests first.

-Thanks, Mr Zipzer.

Aaaaaargh!

Head in the pan! Head in the pan!

Head in the pan!

Ha-ha! And that, kids,

is how you scare someone! Yes!

Thanks, Dad.

MUFFLED SHOUTS

It's all right. You can stop screaming now.

No, there is an intestine up my nose!

Emily, are you coming? Where is your drama costume?

It is time to go trick or treating for real!

-Frankie and Ashley have already started.

-Oh, it's in the wash.

OK, it isn't. But I don't want to go through all that again.

Emily, I don't think Nick is going to make fun of you any time soon.

-It wasn't just Nick.

-Well, his cheeky friends only do what he does.

I wasn't talking about them. You made fun of me too.

You're right. I'm sorry. But since when do you care what I think?

-That's true. I don't!

-Emily, we are Zipzers.

We don't care what anyone thinks.

I'll get changed.

And don't forget,

unicellular eukaryotes organisms are the deadliest killers in the world!

That was nice, Hank.

-That's the kind of big brother I am always hoping you will be.

-I know.

And as little sisters go, well, she's not too bad.

I'd still trade her in for a hamster though!

Right then.

Now that we have pulled off the best Halloween prank ever,

let's get ourselves some treats.

Oh, wait, I'll come too!

But I'm going to need a costume.

-Stanley Zipzer!

-I know what you're going to say.

And, yes, I admit, I was wrong.

Halloween is a lot of fun.

In fact, I've grown to love it.

I was going to say, what have you done to my table?!

-It was his fault.

-My fault?

ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

The sofa is a death trap...

ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

This year there will be two Zipzer teams

entering the debating competition.

BOTH: Kelsey!

Your partner this year is him?

It still kills McKelty that I won this off him

in the great conker match of '83.

Whatever my dad says next shows just how much faith he has in me.

Of course I'll bet that card.

Debating is just polite arguing.

How much pressure can there be?

ALL LAUGH

Wishing the ground would just swallow me up right now.

-You can do it. You just have to try.

-You know what?

I quit.