The War of Words Hank Zipzer

Science proves the molecular structure of the cells is correct,

and that is why the egg most definitely came before the chicken.

OK, we need to back this up a bit.

The school debate is usually my dad and Emily's thing.

They take it way too seriously.

OK, so we need to assess the weaknesses in our game.

Why? You won. You win the competition every year.

"If what you did yesterday still looks big to you..."

"..then you have not done much today."

That's my girl.

What does that even mean? I hate this time of year.

They talk like Olympic athletes - from a couch!

Now, four debate rounds this year. Lots of competition.

The only person I'm in competition with is myself

Oh, nice!

And that's when Mum saw "the left-out look".

Guess what, everybody.

This year, there will be two Zipzer teams

entering the debating competition.

-What do you think about that?

-BOTH: Mm...

Oh, come on!

Two Zipzer teams means two winners this year, instead of just one.

-Oh...

-Didn't think that through, did you?

Well, I think it's a great idea.

Maybe Emily and I can give you and Hank some pointers.

Oh, yeah, it's not going to be me and Hank.

It's going to be you and Hank.

-Gulp!

-And you and me, kiddo.

Dad was not expecting that.

Oh. Everything ready for the debate registration, Miss Adolf?

Oh, of course, Headmaster. You know it's my favourite time of year.

The drama, the tension,

the sight of sweat on the brows of terrified children.

It makes all the hard work worth it.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.

I've decided to take some of the strain off you this year.

You're giving me a personal assistant?

No. I'm taking over. I'll be chief adjudicator this year.

But...I'm always chief adjudicator. I...I even have a badge.

Even more reason for you to take a well-deserved break this year.

And with the entire board of governors coming along,

might be just the time

to inject some fresh new energy into proceedings.

Um...

If I could...Miss Adolf. Thank you.

Oh! Excellent.

Ah! Bring on the debate!

Debating, Hank? That involves study. Lots of study. You do realise that?

I'll be fine. And I've got Dad.

He says, as long as you prepare to fail,

you won't fail to fail at preparing.

-He doesn't really say that, does he?

-No, but it's something like that.

Still, Hank, it's a lot of pressure.

Please! Debating is just polite arguing.

How much pressure can there be?

This is my worst nightmare.

HEARTBEAT THUMPS

ALL LAUGH

Ooh, sweetheart, this looks fun. Let's go and sign up.

My reputation is ruined!

-We would like to register, please.

-As a team?

-Yeah.

We'd presumed you'd be with your father, as usual, Emily.

-This is a surprise.

-That's one word for it.

Guess we'd better sign up too. You and me, me and you.

For the old debating competition. Come on.

BOTH: McKelty.

Nick.

Mick.

-BOTH:

-Zipzer.

They've got history too? Who knew?

What are YOU doing here? Come to witness the Zipzer massacre?

You wish. We're going to wipe the floor with you.

You mean, your partner this year is him?

You'd better believe it.

HE CHUCKLES

I wish the ground would just swallow me up right now!

Ignore the McKeltys. Mick just can't handle the fact

that he hasn't beaten me at anything since we were ten.

Here, look. Look at this.

This is the Holy Grail of rare collector cards.

It still kills McKelty that I won this off him

in the great conker match of '83.

This is not good.

I knew Dad was undefeated, but not for...a lifetime!

This is more pressure than an elephant pogoing on your head.

Right, four rounds, four topics.

Round one - the balloon debate. Classic.

-What, we argue about balloons?

-No.

Round two - which are better, cats or dogs?

Oh, no. Oh, I love animals. They're so adorable. Hm!

No. I could never choose between them.

Round three - is green belt development progression or pollution?

And round four - should PE be compulsory?

I'm drowning in words already.

Well, suck it up, Hank, because debate practice starts now.

More like my brain ends now.

Imagine we're in a hot-air balloon which is sinking

and someone must be thrown out to save everyone else.

Oh, but that's terrible.

Why are there so many people in the balloon in the first place?

I don't know. That's not the point.

The balloon is full - hypothetically full -

of famous characters from history.

Oh! Like one of those pretend dinner parties.

-NOT like a dinner party!

-No.

So then Frankie put peanut butter on the cat

and, sure enough, the dog licked him clean.

They got on famously after that.

So, that's why dogs are better than cats,

because dogs will lick anything, whereas cats only lick themselves.

But that's not a proper reason.

The arguments have to be backed up with evidence.

-I can get Frankie to vouch for that.

-There is no vouching in debates!

Um...

Cats!

No, dogs!

Do we win?

SHE SIGHS

Where do you think you're going?! So undisciplined.

-No! No bay leaves!

-Yes! Bay leaf!

THEY BICKER

-How are you getting on?

-How could you marry this woman?

The McKeltys are here!

-What? Why?

-Espionage!

-I'll be right there.

You put tomato in my ossobuco?!

Ossobuco has tomatoes, Dad! Oooh! It's my deli now.

No tomatoes! Cinnamon, bay leaf, gremolata. That's all!

Mum, remember what I said about putting forward a logical argument

backed up with example - quietly?

Is it my fault if your pop is a cranky old, sour old dish-wreckerer!

-What are you two doing here?

-Just enjoying the show.

Oooh!

-What is going on in there?

-No!

-Mum is debating.

She's a firecracker, Zipzer.

HE PANTS This family - we can't lose.

Leave my family out of this, McKelty.

I'm the one who's going to lose this competition for us.

That didn't come out right.

Hey! No-one is going to lose this competition!

None of us, I mean. You are. Like every other year, McKelty.

-It's going to be like 1983 all over again.

-Is that so?

OK, Zipzer. You mentioned '83.

How about you put that card back up for grabs?

I win, I get to keep the card.

If you win, I'll shall get down on my knees in public

and admit you are the undisputed champion of all time.

Whatever my dad says next shows just how much faith he has in me.

Of course I'll bet that card!

Great. Now I'M responsible for my dad's card.

A card he keeps in a glass case. A glass case!

You'll have to call it something else,

because this is not my ossobuco!

You want your ossobuco? Here is your ossobuco!

-SQUELCH!

-Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, dear.

It was supposed to go over him.

Well, let's hope you're better at debating

than you are at throwing casserole.

-How's it going with Emily?

-Oh, yeah, well. Really well.

Really, really, really well.

-Badly, then?

-Yep. How's it going with Hank?

Oh, fine. It's great. Excellent.

-It's bad?

-It's terrible.

Hey, here's an idea.

-Why don't we swap back?

-This is not about the debate.

-This is about father and son time.

-OK.

Does it have to be MY son?

HONK!

What? What? What year is it?

Get up, get up, get up! It's 0600 hours.

Time to get a march on the competition.

-What have you done to my walls?

-Ah!

I've simplified all the research

into simple bullet points on handy flash cards.

One set for home and one set for school.

Debaters live and die by these flash cards!

Right now, I'm dying.

I'm not late. I'm not late. I'm not late. I'm not late.

-Hank, you're late!

-Yes, he is. See me after class, Henry.

Oh! Guys, I've had the worst morning.

Dad gave me all these famous people to study for this balloon debate

and you would not believe how easy it is to lose them.

JFK got assassinated in a whole new way by Miss Adolf.

Henry VIII got beaned.

-At least I've still got Joan of Arc.

-Um, Hank...

And Joan of Arc's been burnt at the stake.

I'd be most grateful

if you could try not to set the school on fire, Henry, again.

Set the school on fire AGAIN.

And what's a negative point about Henry VIII?

That he came eighth? So, that's not even a bronze medal.

Name me a positive point about JFK.

Oh, that's easy. French fries.

JFK, not KFC! He was President of America, not colonel of chicken.

You haven't read the cards, have you?

But I made it so easy, Hank. Did you even try?

I lost them before I had a chance to.

In a series of weird and unfortunate events.

Well, we'll just have to do it the hard way. From beginning to end.

-There's no way I can learn that.

-There's no glory in practice, Hank,

but without practice, there is no glory.

That doesn't make sense! Your sayings never make any sense!

Hank, you can do it. You just have to try!

-I can't. I'm not like Emily.

-Yeah, well, that's for sure...

You know what? I quit.

And now onto round one.

Which... Hang on. Oh.

Just having a dry run. Trickier than it first seems, you know.

Quite. It's been brought to my attention that the topic

for the final round is one we have covered before.

-We'll have to change it.

-Really? Well, I...

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Would you like me to take charge of informing the participants?

Um... That would be very helpful, yes.

As long as you don't mind, of course?

Of course not, Mr Love.

Yeah, that's, um...fixed.

Picture a pond, absolutely still, no ripples.

Feel all your stress flowing out of you.

-OK, I'm calm, can we study now?

-You don't sound very calm.

-Oh, I'm calm, cool and collected.

-DOOR SLAMS

Oh! Stan!

Stan, you rippled my pond.

Hank quit the team. Your son is a quitter!

-Stan, did you push him too hard?

-No harder than I ever pushed Emily.

-I miss that pushing.

-I don't care if we win or not,

I don't want him to be a quitter.

If you don't care about winning, why are you piling on so much pressure?

Because I do care about the winning!

-I really, really do!

-Stanley Zipzer.

what is more important, your son or that stupid card?

Can I come in?

You know, Hank, there are heroes and legends.

-Heroes are remembered, but legends never die...

-Dad, English please.

I just mean...

I got a little carried away with beating Mick McKelty.

I mean, you can understand that, right?

I didn't want to beat McKelty. Or his dad.

I just want him to leave me alone.

I just wanted to prepare you for the debate.

I want to prepare you for everything.

I'm your dad.

You know, Dad, I can't learn the way Emily does.

But that doesn't mean I can't win an argument.

Well, you won this one.

I'm sorry. If I promise to go easy, will you come back?

-We can just go out and try our best.

-No more sayings that make no sense?

-Agreed. So, are you back on the team?

-Team Zipzer is a go.

Dad didn't stop trying to teach me that preparation was everything.

And he still had way too many cards, but we had fun too.

-OK, what have we got?

-A church.

-Yeah. Who's that?

-King Henry.

-Ah! And what's there?

-A head.

-And what have we got all together?

-Head of the Church of England.

-Oh, yeah, baby!

And it was a bit of a toss-up between...

Mum and Emily were also making progress.

-Without the hands.

-OK.

-Without the hands.

Emily said it was a bit like training Katherine.

In the end, I actually felt good about the debating competition.

That's it. We are as ready as we'll ever be.

Go and get some sleep. Big day tomorrow. Kicking McKelty butt.

You really think we've got a chance?

Of course we've got a chance. We're Team Zipzer.

Well, Andy, I guess this is goodbye.

Don't feel sorry for me.

All right, then, feel a bit sorry. I mean, this is heartbreaking!

Miss Adolf. Shouldn't you be getting ready for the big competition?

-Actually, I'm...

-You always look so smart in your gown. Majestic, even.

Everything's shipshape at my end.

All the classrooms locked up, Mr Love's office locked up,

-staff room locked up.

-Mr Love's?

-Is there a problem?

No. No problem at all.

Hello? Has someone locked this door?

Hello?

Welcome to this year's debating competition!

..mollified only after birth...

And that is why dogs are better than cats.

The green belt is just like any other belt -

sometimes you've got to tighten it.

Would you believe it? We didn't get knocked out right away.

Mostly cos Dad and Emily did all the work,

and even Mum had her moments.

..why cats are most definitely better than dogs.

-Well done.

-Yeah. I didn't mean it.

Then it was my turn.

And in the end, it WAS Dad's cards that got me through.

JFK brought... 'Both Zipzer teams were through to the semifinals.

'It looked like McKelty was about to get down on his knees.'

..developing the countryside is progression, not pollution.

Hi. Mick McKelty again.

Let's say the countryside is a lovely big pot of ossobuco,

and building houses is a bit like throwing tomatoes into it.

Mum, get in your pond of calm right now.

I mean, what kind of person would do that?

That is how ossobuco is made today!

Order! Order!

What kind of person would upset their own father like that?

Why, you little...!

Disqualified!

EVERYBODY GASPS

Emily was right. Her reputation WAS ruined.

-You can't attack people, Mum. It's in the rules.

-But disqualified?!

Listen. You get out there and win.

You wipe the smiles off their smug little faces.

So, it was down to us to face the McKeltys in the final.

After the, er, unexpected events of the last round,

we come to the final of this year's debating competition.

That's enough. The topic of the final round

is the proposition that "people cannot change".

What? I thought it was "should PE be compulsory"?

The topic was changed several days ago. You were notified.

All participating students had a letter to take home.

I gave them to Nicholas personally to distribute.

So, Mr Zipzer, first speaker for the negative.

I'd, um...

We'd...like to present...

..that is...argue...

Definition!

We should define... what a person is.

-A person is a human being.

-Mr Zipzer, would you agree?

Yes.

That sounds like people!

Can't look. Can't look.

'The trophy and Dad's card

'were slipping further and further from our grasp.'

So, to sum up.

Everyone thinks of changing the world,

but no-one thinks of changing himself.

Thank you.

His sayings even worse than yours, Dad!

Go get 'em, kid.

What a load of nonsense.

The speaker for the one who believes that the topic is true

has told us that people cannot change.

To that I say, pfff! Of course people can change.

I mean, I change my underpants twice a week whether I need to or not.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

You mean to say that people can't change their ways, right?

Let me tell you something.

-GASPING

-No-one leaves the lectern!

A few days ago, my dad wrote off my chances for winning in this debate

because he believes that to win, you need facts,

logic and a structured argument, none of which I'm good at.

But if I can win without any of those,

then I'll forever change my dad's mind on how to win a debate.

So, all you have to do is vote for me.

See, he's changing before our very eyes!

And so you see that people DO change!

I rest my case, thank you.

The adjudicator shall call for the vote.

All those for the Zip...

Though it pains me to say it, that is a conclusive verdict.

By majority vote, the winners of this year's debating competition

are Stanley and Henry Zipzer.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Well done.

And that's when it happened.

I saw a look in Dad's face I didn't see nearly enough.

Pride.

-Hank, I want you to have this.

-What, really?

-You deserve it.

For not giving up, for putting up with me

and for being a great debate champion.

This was one of the great moments of my life.

And I was really enjoying it...

..until Andy Newbury flew away on the wind.

That's why you keep it in the glass case.

-Yep.

-Yeah.

-This is Ben.

-What's up with his hairstyle? He looks like Mr Whippy.

-I know. I could almost reach out and lick it.

-Can you jam?

I'm a jar of jam. I'm 90% strawberry.

Oi, new boy. See you're still baby-sitting the class looser.

I think the loser's the guy with the chocolate milk moustache.

Can someone please explain this assault on my ears?

Go on, have fun. Live life. Be free!

A bit more won't hurt, surely.

This chemistry stuff's easy.

Everybody remain calm.

Have you listened to a single word I just said?