The Day I Flunked Chemistry Hank Zipzer

Everybody, remain calm!

I'm Hank Zipzer, the world's greatest underachiever.

And this is what happens when I try and make friends.

Brain, remind me how I got here?

Oh, yeah, that's right - chemistry.

A subject I'm the world's biggest genius at failing.

Have you listened to a single word I've just said?

Sorry, Miss. Maybe you could try speaking up a bit?

I hope you're feeling equally clever in tomorrow's chemistry exam.

Exam?

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

What kind of evil genius sets an exam for the middle of term?

It's just three practicals - testing for starch,

heating iron and sulphur and combustion.

Uh-oh. I think my head just combusted.

Hank, that's medically impossible.

Unless you boil it in oil or stick it in a really hot fire.

Chill your boots, dude. You can revise with me.

Thanks, Frankie.

Hey, Zipzer, don't try anything too hard,

like spelling your own name or counting your own feet!

The things I'd do to McKelty if I had a magic shrinking ray.

But instead, I have to get my own back - Zipzer-style.

OK, Nick, as long as you don't try anything too hard,

like being funny or growing a personality.

Fortunately, after chemistry, we have music.

Finally, a subject I always come top of the class in.

HE PLAYS A ROCKING TUNE

Well, usually.

THAT'S how you play the guitar. Wow! That was fanta...

You nearly melted my face!

All right, this is Ben - hello, Ben!

ALL: Hello, Ben.

Ben is going to be with us for about a week, his mum is a musician,

she's playing in town. I want you to invite him into the group.

Ben, that was great.

Erm, would you like me to show you around school or...

Or during school, or before...before school? Cos I'm free.

Guys, we should ask him if he wants to be in our group.

Yeah, why not?

What's up with his hairstyle? It looks like Mr Whippy.

I know. I could almost reach out and lick it.

I was just saying to Ben, that guitar solo was fresh.

Yeah. Why don't you show us what you can do on the drums?

-They're not really my thing.

-Come on. I bet you're amazing.

Yeah, but not as amazing as this.

I meant to do that.

Nice. I've never seen anyone play the cymbal with their head before.

I see myself as a breaker of moulds, a ripper-upper of rule books.

Can you jam?

I'm a jar of jam. I'm 90% strawberry.

One, two, three, four...

THEY PLAY A ROCKING TUNE TOGETHER

Lesson time.

THE LOUD MUSIC FILTERS DOWN THE HALL

What on earth...?

Can someone please explain this assault on my ears?!

I can. It's called the sweet sound of learning.

Really? Because it sounds more like a riot to me.

Oh. Henry Zipzer. I might have known.

I wasn't... OK, just give me detention and get it over with.

It's my fault. I'm new here. I didn't realise we were being loud.

It won't happen again, I promise.

Well, someone in this school has some manners.

-Mr Rock?

-Yes!

We've had words about that drumkit before.

-We have.

-Hmm.

Is it possible that those words were "awesome" and "great"?

No, they were "awful" and "hate".

Of course they were.

If I hear one more decibel of percussive racket,

I shall be forced to take steps.

Well, that was certainly loud, wasn't it!?

Wow.

That was really cool, you know. Thanks.

It's all right. Can't have you in detention.

Else who would I hang out with for the rest of the day?

Y-You mean you want to hang out with me?

I mean, you want to hang out with me. Obviously.

Wow, Hank's getting really pally with Ben.

And what's he done to his hair?

Yeah. It looks better on Ben.

Yoo-hoo!

-Sorry!

-I guess I'll sit here, then.

ALL: Hi.

So, what's the plan for the rest of the day, Zipzerino?

Well, I thought I'd mud-wrestle a lion

and then jump off the science block with a firework stuck up my bum.

-Awesome.

-Awesome.

Or maybe I'll just have to sit through an hour of totally boring

double maths.

Oi, new boy. I see you're still baby-sitting the class loser.

I think the loser's the guy with the chocolate milk moustache.

You won't be laughing so hard when you flunk the chemistry exam,

brain-flake.

Guess what? If there's an exam for best comeback, you'd fail.

Like you'd have a problem with some stupid chemistry exam.

-Easy for a genius like you.

-True.

I know. He just called me a genius. No-one ever calls me a genius.

And that's not an easy title to give up.

More potential new parents visiting today, Miss Adolf.

Word is one of them has a child genius

and Eastbrook Academy have already sent them a gift basket.

This is war!

I quite understand.

I shall make sure all the pupils are on their best behaviour.

-Good.

-For you...headmaster.

Yeah...

-Mr Love.

-Mr Rock.

Uh, excuse me, Miss A, all right, the game is up.

Where is my drumkit?

What on earth are you talking about?

OK, I'll tell you what I'm talking about.

If you tell me where my drumkit is I will not tell Mr Love

that you stole school property.

Is that a threat?

Mmm...yes, it is.

Ooh!

Right. Well, that is a very serious allegation.

And if you go to the headmaster, I shall go to the school governors.

There, my threat's better than yours.

-Could you at least tell me where my sticks are?

-Agh!

Oh, there they are, attached to your broomstick. Thank you.

I'm not even going to respond.

And we hitch-hiked the whole way across California in a Vee Dub.

It was crazy.

Man, your life is cooler than the North Pole! See you tomorrow?

My mum's rehearsing till late. Why don't I come over to yours?

I could help you wrestle that lion?

You don't want to come to mine. My family are boring.

And by "boring," read "weirder than a badger snorkelling through soup."

But I've been talking about myself all day.

I feel like I don't know anything about you.

OK, but I warn you, my mum will try to feed you.

I like her already.

But you've got to get ready for the test.

You know how you get with letters and numbers.

Yeah, come and find me after dinner, OK?

Frankie has got a point, though.

I do know how I get with letters and numbers.

But I don't want Ben to know.

He's the only person who thinks I'm actually normal.

Oh, isn't he handsome?

And look at his hair, so luxuriant.

Your mum must feed you plenty of olive oil, huh?

Oh, Hank, you've got a bit of tomato on your chin.

Eight letters, starts with a V, volcano that destroyed Pompeii?

Stan, please don't be dull.

And Pop, can you put your shirt back on?

I took it off so I don't spill sauce on it.

Emily, what did I say about no Katherine at the table

when we've got guests?

She's wearing a bib.

-At least she hasn't got a wooden spoon behind her ear.

-Oh!

Ah, I've been looking for that. Ha!

Vesuvius! Ha-ha. Get in!

Sorry about my family.

It's cool. So your dad likes crosswords?

Likes 'em? I do two a day, every day.

It's athletics for the mind.

Dad's a sports journalist. He thinks eating is athletics for the mouth.

So what's the next clue?

The shortest river in Europe.

-The Volga!

-No, Emily. Shortest, not longest.

It's the Reprua River.

Yeah, you're right! Very impressive.

Don't worry, Mrs Zipzer. I'll take the plates.

Well! Well, Geography's one thing, but a boy who offers help,

that's very impressive.

Oh, hang on, don't you two have homework?

Hey! He's just met a new friend!

You can let him off homework one night in his life, can't you?

Go on, go to the den. Have fun, live life, be free!

Wait. Did my dad just tell me to have fun?

Go on, have fun. Live life, be free!

Quick, before he changes his mind!

Typical Hank. Late again.

-Frankie.

-Yeah?

You know when you're playing Goblin Smackdown?

-Uh-huh?

-And you want to ask another orc to come on a mission with you?

THAT wouldn't happen.

Lord Frankie Goblin-smiter is a one-man band of hurts.

But theoretically, what would you do?

Just mosey up to them, take my broadsword out of my belt and say,

"Accompany me on a quest, knave, or I'll splice thee in twain."

What if they say no?

It never happens. Cos I'm a big bad orc lord with serious swagger.

But what if you really liked this orc,

and you'd be gutted if he turned you down?

Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You just have to be brave.

Thanks, Frankie. I've got to go and get ready for tomorrow.

Yeah, and I've got to go and find Hank.

Hang on - were we really talking about orcs just then,

or were we actually talking about something else?

Right, got to go! Bye!

-FROM INSIDE:

-Ahhh!

Gotcha, Zip!

Ahhh! You're really, like, the King of the Goblins.

You could give Frankie a run for his money.

Ohh!

Ohh!

As you can see from the figures, Eastbrook Academy is slightly ahead

in the league tables, but, oh, we exceed them

in so many areas, you know, sort of staff, equipment erm, we...

Toosh-to-to! Toosh-to-to! Toosh-to-to!

Hey, Mr Love, how are ya?

Drumkit was stolen. I'm improvising.

-Let's move on, shall we?

-Want to play the flute?

Did I mention we're adding mime to the curriculum?

Which is... Er, this way.

Aah!

Sorry. Stupid place to put a bag. What's up?

Ben, I just wondered maybe

if you wanted to maybe... not go out, exactly, but...

-What?

-Hey! Benny-boy!

That was an awesome game last night, you totally thrashed me.

-Brilliant! Thanks, Hank.

-What?

Class, the chemistry exam starts in two minutes and eight seconds.

Pairs, please.

-Maybe we could...

-Partners, Benster?

Awesome, Hankolini.

Guess we're partners then.

Safety is vital,

so I want one of you in charge of the practical

and one of you in charge of the write-up.

You handle the figures? My handwriting is terrible.

Uh-oh.

Sure. Except these practicals are really complicated.

-How about I should do the science part, since you're new?

-Thanks.

No biggie. Let me just check the old textbook.

I just need to go and check on Ashley, she gets nervous in tests.

Dude, you've got to help me.

You didn't seem that bothered about helping me.

Help me, Ashley's being weird.

I wonder why?

Come on, you're my best friend. You've got to help me.

HE SIGHS

Everything all right?

Yup. Magnifico. Just need to put on my goggles.

Wrong way up, loser.

You have 53 seconds to complete the first experiment.

OK. I can do this.

Right, I just need a bit of that... I-something.

Ah.

A little bit more won't hurt, surely?

This chemistry stuff's easy.

Time's up! Well, that all went rather well.

And now if you'd like to follow me, we'll now make our way to the

science labs, which are state-of-the-art.

Miss! Miss, look!

What on earth...?

Oh!

Ooh! Huh! Huh!

SHE GASPS

OK, brain, listen.

I know me and you haven't always got along,

but now, I promise if you help me out I will do homework every night

for the rest of my life.

STUDENTS SCREAM

You, open the windows! And you, open the door!

Everyone move to the exit.

Who knew? I'm actually quite good at this.

Come on! Come on! Let's go! Come on!

We're particularly proud

of the high standard of our science teaching, which we...

STUDENTS COUGHING

Everybody, remain calm!

It's just a drill! A very realistic drill.

Mr Rock! There's been an accident.

What's going on, Hank?

Miss Adolf, she's in there, we need to rescue her.

We do?

Er, we do. OK, you stay here, do not move.

Miss Adolf! Miss Adolf!

Where are you? Miss Adolf!

Can you hear me?

I'll get you out of here.

Here we go.

Right, OK!

Come on.

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Ohh...

Excuse me. Huh!

Well, I hope you had fun playing my drumkit.

All right, come on.

Come on, toots.

You drumkit thief!

Ashley, you don't need to take my pulse again.

But you might be in shock.

True. Maybe you could give me some counselling later...over a burger?

I don't know, I'm actually kind of busy with school stuff.

But maybe I could find a gap in my schedule.

Seems like someone mixed up iron with iodine.

Without that boy's quick thinking evacuating everyone,

it could have been a lot more serious.

Who'd have thought it? Hank Zipzer doing the school proud, for once.

Mr Love, I found this in the chemistry cupboard.

What's all this purple stuff?

-Iodine.

-Let's see who this belongs to, shall we?

Could be anyone's.

"Property of Hank Zipzer."

Or it could be Hank's...

God, I don't belie...

Oh! Ugh!

Hank Zipzer!

I'll give that boy a detention!

So I have trouble with letters and numbers.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I didn't want you to think I was thick.

So instead, you decided to gas the whole school?

Right, Henry, your parents will be here shortly.

Ben, your mother's still in a rehearsal,

so I'll be speaking to her when she's free.

Lucky you. Wish my parents weren't coming.

I wish my parents were your parents.

But your mum's a musician. That's the coolest thing ever.

Yeah.

Having to live in hotels, make a new bunch of friends every week.

-Really cool(!)

-You made it sound so awesome.

You're not the only one who exaggerates.

Your life's pretty good, you know, Hank.

Yeah, you're right. It is.

Henry!

HENRY!

Well, sort of.

Henry! If you think I'm angry, you should see your father!

All of a sudden I'm running down the hallway, I have to make a pee-pee

but it's OK. I feel like a superhero, come swooping in,

I throw Miss Adolf over my shoulder and she is kicking and screaming,

her hair's all over the place and we start running for the exit.

We get out of the exit...

MISS ADOLF CLEARS HER THROAT

Hi. I was just telling the children about the evacuation procedure.

-So I hear.

-Yeah.

Children, out.

-I need to talk to Mr Rock.

-All right.

I, er, just wanted to say...

..thank you.

-You talkin' to me?

-Thank you. For saving me.

Excuse me. Well, that's lovely,

except you should be thanking Hank Zipzer.

-Henry Zipzer?

-Mm-hm.

But the accident was his fault in the first place.

Well, fair enough, but he was the one that organised the rescue.

If it wasn't for him you'd be in the hospital now,

all black, blue, yellow and purple.

Well, I mean...

Yeah, I don't know, and my drumkit made it out all right, too.

Any idea how it happened to be in your classroom?

Are you going to tell Mr Love?

That all depends on what you tell him!

Suspend him for a week? It was an innocent mistake.

I thought you were a good influence.

Don't blame him.

You're the one who told me not to do my homework.

Only because your mother's always telling me I should go easy on you.

-Oh! So it's my fault now?

-Well, it's not my fault.

-Well, whose fault is...

-Excuse me.

Er, can this wait, Miss Adolf? I'm dealing with Henry.

It... It's Henry I want to see.

I just wanted to say...

Thank you, Henry.

What?

For saving me.

As the accident happened in my classroom, I take...

full responsibility.

See? My son is innocent.

Are you sure, Miss Adolf?

It was my lesson and I should have given them proper safety training.

So, under the circumstances, I think a verbal warning will suffice.

Well, in that case, erm...

Ben, Henry, you're free to go.

Thank you.

Miss Adolf, sticking up for me?

-Who'd have thought this day could get any weirder?

-Thank you.

So, you guys want to come round for dinner tonight?

-We're going for a burger.

-Wicked. I'm starving.

Just me and Ashley.

Oh.

Ohhhh!

So that's why Ashley was always upset

I was hanging out with Ben all the time.

Wait, you're upset too?

Have I been the biggest idiot in the whole world?

Not the biggest, but probably top three.

I'm sorry, Frankie. How can I make it up to you?

Come back to the den and let me beat you at Goblin Smackdown?

Deal.

MISS ADOLF: You'll be in detention! I've told you that before.

Get it in the bin immediately.

That's enough!

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Right!

That man is not professional!

Ahhh!

School report day.

This is the worst report I've ever had.

Howdy! I'm Bob Bing, the sausage king.

Bob Bing! Those people liked my mortadella?

What have you done?

I changed the mortadella recipe last month without telling Pop.

-What have you got behind your back?

-Nothing.

Give me that report.

I'm saved...

but now I don't have a school report.

Tomorrow, Bob Bing is going to taste my mortadella.

I switched Papa Pete's mortadella with mine.

You can see bits of the report. Does that say Lazy?

He'll think that Bob Bing is tasting his,

but really it'll be my new recipe.

I've got to stop Bob Bing from eating that mortadella.

You have made one before? Right.

It's a big fat sausage. How hard can it be?

What in all that's holy is going on here?

-BOTH:

-I can explain!