The Mortadella Disaster Hank Zipzer

-CLOCK TICKS

-I think we can all agree

there's one day of school that's worse than all the others.

-ALARM

-Ahh!

'School report day!'

-ALARM

-Usually mine go something like...

Likes to tell jokes and disrupt the class.

-Has a very short attention span.

-Could do better in English.

-Maths.

-Science.

-History.

-Sitting still.

-BOTH:

-Everything.

-Absolutely... BOTH:

-Everything!

But today is different.

Today, I'm going to get my best school report ever.

Cos last term... I stayed out of trouble...

-..handed in my homework on time...

-Thank you.

..and really tried in class.

97.

Not only do I deserve an awesome school report,

-I deserve a huge shiny medal!

-HE LAUGHS

Stan, you have got to see this.

Yeah, that's fine, don't worry about me working.

If this is this clip of the singing pig, I've already seen it.

"Howdy, I'm Bob Bing, the Sausage King!

"If you love your meat as much as I do,

"then why not come on down to my World of Meat

"and check out what's cooking this week.

"We got hot dogs from Houston, bratwurst from Berlin

"and pepperoni, I say, we got pepperoni from Palermo!

"My stores are your passport to porky paradise, my friends."

"So hurry on over and take your taste buds

"around the world in 80 ways!"

Terrible...advert.

Howdy? Please!

-What's that got to do with us?

-Well, last week

his wife came into the deli

and tried my Mortadella sausage and now Bob wants to try it.

They want me to go for a taste test tomorrow

and if they like it, he will put it into all his stores!

Well, that's a shoo-in! You and Papa Pete make a great Mortadella.

Oh, yeah, just one small thing, don't mention this to Pop.

-But it's good news, we've got to tell him.

-I said don't tell him,

so please don't tell him. OK?

-Would you like some coffee?

-What have you done?

-Nothing!

I changed the Mortadella recipe last month without telling Pop.

Please can you help me just get him

out of the deli today, so that I can make a new batch?

No way, you are not taking me down with you.

Oh, shame, because if I did land that contract,

it might be time to upgrade your golf clubs.

-You mean, titanium heads?

-Titanium, gold...the sky's the limit.

Oh, you're good.

Right, what's the plan.

Leave it to me.

-Got a good excuse ready?

-Excuse for what?

For the terrible school report

that'll hit your desk in about ten minutes?

-What will you be telling your parents this time?

-You can't say you think

the teachers have been replaced by alien robots.

-Yeah, you used that last time.

-I don't need an excuse!

This time I'm going to get a great report.

You have a problem, you call an Italian.

Ah, well, that's nice to know, Pete.

The only problem I have at the minute is writing 500 words

on rhythmic gymnastics by five, so...

Stanley, there's no need to be embarrassed.

I mean, I would be embarrassed, but you shouldn't be.

-Rosa told me.

-Rosa told you what exactly?

Her new cupboard. "I will build it," you say.

"Leave it to Stan," you say.

Six months later, no cupboard.

It most definitely has not been six months.

It's been...five at the most.

And I'm quite pleased with the progress.

-PETE LAUGHS

-Well, your wife is not.

Don't worry, Pete is here to help.

Some men are built for man's work, some are...

PETE CHUCKLES

Do not open these reports.

Hand them over directly to your parents.

They are for their eyes...only.

Well, Henry, I must say

you have surpassed even my expectations this term.

Please see that your parents call me immediately.

CHEERING

I will, Miss Adolf. I will.

Hm.

PETE SIGHS

Did you do this...or the lizard?

-It's still very much in the early stages.

-Of what, collapse?

Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

PETE SIGHS

PETE SIGHS

Pass me that tool belt.

You have very soft hands. Just like a woman.

BELL

Prepare...to be amazed.

This is the worst report I've ever had. How did that happen?!

Er, dude, maybe it was the thing with the cake?

LAUGHTER

Henry Zipzer!

Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about that bit.

But I handed my homework in on time!

-SHE SIGHS

-It's actually a funny story.

OK, you've made your point.

But I have tried all term,

she could have at least given me a C for effort!

But you kept annoying her, always putting your hand up in class.

-97.

-No.

-Jupiter?

-Wrong.

A dancing chicken?

Have you been listening to a single word I've said?!

-SHE SIGHS

-They can't have all been wrong!

-Plus, you just opened your report and Miss Adolf said not to.

-Aw, man!

Mum and Dad won't be able to think up a punishment big enough,

they'll have to hire an evil genius to think up one instead.

Write 5,000 pages on why I am better than you.

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-Unless...

-BOTH: Unless?

Unless I charm them into going easy with my secret weapon.

He's just listed all the other men you could have married

and graded their DIY skills out of ten.

SHE CHUCKLES

-You'll be shocked to hear, I'm at the bottom.

-I'm making the Mortadella,

so just keep thinking about those shiny new golf clubs you'll get.

Oh, I'm having new clubs and I'm having a new bag

and I'm having one of those little cart things.

-Stan!

-Coming, Pete!

You owe me!

Pass me that posidrive, will you?

If you mean screwdriver, say screwdriver!

STAN SIGHS DRILL WHIRS

SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

DRILL WHIRS

GUNFIRE

GUNFIRE

You ain't welcome in this town, partner.

If you'd rather be playing games like a little boy

than doing DIY, like a man, I can leave.

DRILL WHIRS

Hello. Hungry people here to rob this place.

Hey! Don't creep up on me like that.

-Papa Pete's not with you is he?

-No, just us, Mrs Z.

-Er...why are you pulling that weird face? What have you done?

-Nothing.

-What are you making, Mrs Zipzer?

-Ah, Mortadella,

for the World of Meat, they might be stocking it.

Bob Bing the Sausage King! I love those ads!

-ALL:

-Howdy.

-Hm.

-Mum, that's great, well done.

Ah, thank you. How was your day?

It was all right. Pretty uneventful.

-Nothing happened.

-Your regular boring school day.

Mum, I got an amazing school report.

-Wait till you read this!

-Oh...it's school report day.

Yeah...I totally forgot.

-Hm.

-Don't worry about thinking of a reward,

I'll just take a cake from the display stand

-for being so clever.

-Yeah, but just take one.

An uneventful day, eh? Where's your charming smile now?

Hand it over, chief.

Not even you can mess up this part.

Hold those still for the next five minutes, while the glue dries.

Aye, aye, Captain.

-Where you going?

-I must have left my sander

at the deli when I hung that new door.

-I'll be back shortly.

-No!

-Oh, Stan!

-Hold them still!

-But...

-You don't want your wife to see

yet another DIY disaster?

So hold those shelves...like a man.

Just make sure you don't stick yourself to the wall, too.

I'm sure I put it somewhere in here.

Yeah, well, maybe if you look with your eyes as well as your hands.

Unless you've got little tiny eyeballs

on the end of your fingertips to help you look?

-Now, that would be cool.

-Report! Now!

Oh, look, my science workbook. This term we're doing astronomy.

-It's interesting to look at the stars, isn't it, Ashley?

-Yes.

Mrs Zipzer, did you know that the Earth

is 93 million miles away from the sun?

Well, did you know that Hank

is going to want to be 93 million miles away from me

if he doesn't produce his report. Give me the bag. Let's see.

I must have dropped it on my way home.

-Pigeons love to pick up paper.

-Yeah, I saw that on a documentary once.

They shred it up and they use it to build their nests.

And, apparently, they're particularly keen on school reports.

Yeah, well you're right, it's not in here.

-What have you got behind your back?

-Nothing.

-Frankie, give it to me.

-Nothing here.

-Me neither.

-Listen, I know what you're all doing!

Give me that report.

There's nothing here, Mum. It's totally disappeared.

What in all that's holy is going on here?!

BOTH: I can explain!

Mortadella! But where's the fresh chilli?

The garlic? The secret family spices?!

Oh, Oh, hm! I must have forgotten to put them in.

Oi-yo-yo! This batch is ruined!

-We'll have to start all over again!

-I'm saved!

But now I don't have a school report.

The way I see it, I've got three options.

One. Build a time machine, go back and make sure this time

I don't put my report in the mincer.

Two. I persuade Mr Love

that all the reports were infected by a deadly disease,

so he has to tell all the parents to destroy them.

Or three. I write a brand-new report myself

-and pretend it's the real one.

-Hey, that's not a bad idea.

Frankie, I was joking. I can barely write one paragraph for my homework,

how am I going to write a whole report?

You don't have to. You can copy bits from ours

-and paste them into a new one.

-That's probably the best idea

since the invention of peanut-butter ice cream. Let's do it!

Now...can you tell me what the three most important ingredients are

-when making Mortadella?

-SHE SIGHS

Garlic, chilli and the secret family spices.

Very good. And what happens when we forget to put them in?

BOTH: We have to throw the batch away.

And we don't want that to happen now, do we?

Actually...shall I tell you

what really happens when we forget to put them in?

We get an invite from the World of Meat.

Bob Bing the Sausage King wants to try my Mortadella?!

No, he wants to try my Mortadella, because yours is way too hot.

-You mean...?

-I didn't forget to put in the chillies,

I deliberately left them out.

You changed great-grandmamma Maria's Mortadella recipe?!

No disrespect to the lady,

but she must have had a fire extinguisher for taste buds.

The name above the door is The Spicy Salami,

not The Bland and Tasteless Sausage! Hot...is how we do it!

Tomorrow, Bob Bing is going to taste MY Mortadella!

Over my...dead...body!

Great-grandmamma Maria, get ready for a visitor!

I think we aced it.

-Hank's report is now better than mine!

-The final touch.

Look at that, good as new.

Well, that won't do.

Now it looks like it's been in Hank's bag.

-Hey, Mum, guess what I just found?

-One second, Hank.

I'd like to propose a toast.

Good luck, Rosa, I hope the Mortadella gets you on the map.

-Yeah, good luck, Mum.

-Good luck.

Thank you. I'm going to let you into a little secret,

I switched Papa Pete's Mortadella with mine!

He'll think that Bob Bing

is tasting his, but really it'll be my new recipe!

Oh, that is genius! THEY LAUGH

Although under normal circumstances

-lying to your parents is, of course, terribly wrong.

-Yep.

You mean, you switched it

with the sausage you were making when we came in?

Yeah. So when we get tomorrow's big order,

then I'll tell Pop that it was my recipe that won it.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Mum, I'm sorry,

-but you can't use your sausage.

-Er...why not?

Well, it's because...

Papa Pete's tastes so much better.

Hank! Take that back...for your own safety, if nothing else.

No, no, it's fine, he's entitled to his opinions,

even if they're rude opinions.

Even about the person who does ALL the cooking.

Talk about biting the hand that feeds.

ROSA SIGHS

OK, forget about my fake school report,

I've got to stop Bob Bing from eating that Mortadella!

New plan. Operation Sausage Swap.

Get into the deli before it opens...

swap the school report sausage with Papa Pete's.

There's only one here. Which one is this?

-I think it's your mum's.

-Look, you can see bits of your report.

-Does that say "lazy"?

-It looks more like "late" to me.

-HANK SIGHS

-But where's Papa Pete's?

OK, Plan B. We need to make a new one.

-How long will that take.

-Dunno, exactly.

You have made one before, right?

No, but it's a big fat sausage, how hard can it be?

"Emily makes excellent contributions in class

"and her insightful observations

"often stimulate further debate on the subject."

Excellent contributions, insightful observations.

I know, Katherine.

I think I'm going to get this school report framed!

Do you think a gold or silver frame would look best?

I agree, a gold frame would look much more impressive.

Maybe I should get one for every page?

That is one messed up Mortadella.

Maybe if we just try straightening it.

SHE SIGHS It's over!

Time of death...8:02am.

HE SIGHS

No...it's still alive!

Whoa! How did you do that?!

Frankie, it's Papa Pete's. Mum must have thrown it away.

We can't use that it's been in a bin!

Salmonella, E.coli and botulism, do these words mean nothing to you?

Just give it a quick rinse under the tap and it'll be fine.

SHE SIGHS SHOP BELL RINGS

Oh, no!

SHOP BELL RINGS

Plan C?

Well, we don't need to ask

-if we're in the right place.

-THEY LAUGH

Look, Italy is a pepperoni!

Soon it's going to be my Mortadella, instead.

Yes, I'm sure it will, Pop.

Welcome to Bing's World of Meat, the home of worldwide meat-based treats!

Mr Bing's just running a few minutes late, but he can't wait

to...MEAT you..

-THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

-Meat!

Anyway, you can wait in his office. Please follow me.

ASHLEY: Someone's coming! Quick!

TEXT ALERT CHIMES

Ashley?!

PHONE RINGS

Bob Bing's World of Meat.

OK. OK.

Ready? Let's go over it again, Pop.

At The Spicy Salami,

we use only the finest ingredients to make our Mortadella.

I use the finest ingredients, you want to leave them out.

Don't start, Pop, otherwise I'll leave you out of the pitch

of the... deli...of my life!

TEXT ALERT CHIMES

-Busted!

-Hank, what are you doing here?!

-Er...

-And why are there two Mortadella?

-Hi.

-We'll just be going.

-No, you stay right there!

This is Pop's sausage!

You put them up to this,

-switching it back, didn't you?

-What are you talking about?

Oh, I swapped the sausages so that Bob Bing could taste my recipe.

-You did what?!

-Hang on.

Pops' sausage was in the bin.

Hank, you can't take food out of the bin! What were you thinking?!

-That's what I said.

-You threw my Mortadella in the bin?!

-Oh, well...

-Mum, stop it! Stop!

Howdy, folks, looks like we got the whole,

I say, the whole kit and caboodle here!

Hello, Mr Bing. Erm...this is my son, Hank.

-Howdy, Hank.

-And these are my friends.

-We're big fans.

-Any chance of an autograph?

-Happy to oblige, son.

Now... BUZZER

Susan, please bring in my tasting trolley.

We've actually brought two Mortadellas,

so that you can decide which one is better.

Well, all I can say is

you can never, I say, you can never have too much sausage.

So bring on the Mortadella. Let's see what you got.

-Thank you, Miss Susan.

-Always a-start with the best.

If you don't mind having your mouth scorched.

HE GASPS

-It's a-good, isn't it?

-Water!

HE GASPS

Mm!

HE GASPS AND PANTS

I'm so sorry, Mr Bing.

I'm sure you'll find our next offering much more pleasant.

I think I'll be the judge of that, missy.

-Mm!

-He likes it. We've got away with it.

See, it's good, isn't it?

HE GASPS

-Erm...

-Are you out of your cotton-picking mind?!

Why, this sorry excuse for a sausage

tastes worse than a cowboy boot stuffed full of mouldy old newspaper!

It's not Mum's fault! I dropped my school report in the mincer.

-And it's a shame cos it was a really good school report.

-"Grade D!"

-OK, it wasn't that good.

-Get out of my office!

Go on, then, the whole lot of ya!

And take your sorry excuse for a Mortadella with you.

Go on, get out of here!

I think it's best if we just put the whole thing behind us.

I know, now we can talk about my amazing school report.

-HANK GROANS

-Could you pass the salad, please?

-What are you going to do with it, throw it in the bin?

-I said sorry!

You should never have changed the recipe!

Don't fight, it's my fault. You should both be angry with me.

So it was you that threw the sausage in the bin?

-No, I took it out of the bin.

-I'm confused.

When will we talk about my school report?

Hang on a minute. Whose sausage had Hank's report in it?

MOBILE BUZZES

-Quick, turn on the TV!

-SHE GROANS

"Investigators discovered many of the products being sold

"in World of Meat contained over 90% camel meat.

"Owner and self-styled Texan, Bob Bing,

"real name Robert Murgatroyd, of Huddersfield, had this to say."

"I mean, basically, when you think about it,

"a camel is just a very tall cow, in't it?"

"It looks like the reign of Bob Bing, the Sausage King, is over."

I knew there was something off about his accent. "Howdy!"

Camel meat?! If we'd got that deal,

the deli's reputation would have been ruined!

That would have really given me the hump.

It's a camel joke.

So, actually, it's a good thing

my report ended up in the Mortadella and ruined the deal.

-Grounded for a month.

-Now, can we talk about

how fabulous my school report was?

Talking of reports, if your one ended up in the mincer...

..what's this one I found in your bag?

I'm mincemeat!

Well, that's it, that's what everyone's

-going to be wearing this summer.

-KNATS.

-These aren't KNATS! What are they?!

-They're NITS!

This...is nit-name territory.

Are you competing in the 1976 Olympics?

We'll see how your sense of humour holds up

when you have to take Miss Adolf's PSHE class.

Congratulations, Hank, you're a dad.

If these babies do not come back healthy and happy...you've failed!

Ten minutes! Ten minutes is all I ask!

Every weekend for the next month, you can work at the deli.

I can work in the deli and look after a baby, how hard can it be?

-OK, where is your son?

-With a babysitter.

Katherine bit off one of Rocky's toes!

-What?!

-That is it. It's work or baby!

-Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?

-You have no idea.

HE SIGHS