The Mortadella Disaster Hank Zipzer


The Mortadella Disaster

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Transcript


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-CLOCK TICKS

-I think we can all agree

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there's one day of school that's worse than all the others.

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-ALARM

-Ahh!

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'School report day!'

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-ALARM

-Usually mine go something like...

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Likes to tell jokes and disrupt the class.

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-Has a very short attention span.

-Could do better in English.

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-Maths.

-Science.

-History.

-Sitting still.

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-BOTH:

-Everything.

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-Absolutely... BOTH:

-Everything!

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But today is different.

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Today, I'm going to get my best school report ever.

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Cos last term... I stayed out of trouble...

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-..handed in my homework on time...

-Thank you.

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..and really tried in class.

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97.

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Not only do I deserve an awesome school report,

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-I deserve a huge shiny medal!

-HE LAUGHS

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Stan, you have got to see this.

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Yeah, that's fine, don't worry about me working.

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If this is this clip of the singing pig, I've already seen it.

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"Howdy, I'm Bob Bing, the Sausage King!

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"If you love your meat as much as I do,

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"then why not come on down to my World of Meat

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"and check out what's cooking this week.

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"We got hot dogs from Houston, bratwurst from Berlin

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"and pepperoni, I say, we got pepperoni from Palermo!

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"My stores are your passport to porky paradise, my friends."

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"So hurry on over and take your taste buds

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"around the world in 80 ways!"

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Terrible...advert.

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Howdy? Please!

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-What's that got to do with us?

-Well, last week

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his wife came into the deli

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and tried my Mortadella sausage and now Bob wants to try it.

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They want me to go for a taste test tomorrow

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and if they like it, he will put it into all his stores!

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Well, that's a shoo-in! You and Papa Pete make a great Mortadella.

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Oh, yeah, just one small thing, don't mention this to Pop.

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-But it's good news, we've got to tell him.

-I said don't tell him,

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so please don't tell him. OK?

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-Would you like some coffee?

-What have you done?

-Nothing!

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I changed the Mortadella recipe last month without telling Pop.

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Please can you help me just get him

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out of the deli today, so that I can make a new batch?

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No way, you are not taking me down with you.

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Oh, shame, because if I did land that contract,

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it might be time to upgrade your golf clubs.

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-You mean, titanium heads?

-Titanium, gold...the sky's the limit.

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Oh, you're good.

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Right, what's the plan.

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Leave it to me.

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-Got a good excuse ready?

-Excuse for what?

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For the terrible school report

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that'll hit your desk in about ten minutes?

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-What will you be telling your parents this time?

-You can't say you think

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the teachers have been replaced by alien robots.

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-Yeah, you used that last time.

-I don't need an excuse!

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This time I'm going to get a great report.

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You have a problem, you call an Italian.

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Ah, well, that's nice to know, Pete.

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The only problem I have at the minute is writing 500 words

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on rhythmic gymnastics by five, so...

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Stanley, there's no need to be embarrassed.

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I mean, I would be embarrassed, but you shouldn't be.

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-Rosa told me.

-Rosa told you what exactly?

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Her new cupboard. "I will build it," you say.

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"Leave it to Stan," you say.

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Six months later, no cupboard.

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It most definitely has not been six months.

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It's been...five at the most.

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And I'm quite pleased with the progress.

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-PETE LAUGHS

-Well, your wife is not.

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Don't worry, Pete is here to help.

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Some men are built for man's work, some are...

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PETE CHUCKLES

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Do not open these reports.

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Hand them over directly to your parents.

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They are for their eyes...only.

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Well, Henry, I must say

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you have surpassed even my expectations this term.

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Please see that your parents call me immediately.

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CHEERING

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I will, Miss Adolf. I will.

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Hm.

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PETE SIGHS

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Did you do this...or the lizard?

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-It's still very much in the early stages.

-Of what, collapse?

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Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

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PETE SIGHS

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PETE SIGHS

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Pass me that tool belt.

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You have very soft hands. Just like a woman.

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BELL

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Prepare...to be amazed.

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This is the worst report I've ever had. How did that happen?!

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Er, dude, maybe it was the thing with the cake?

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LAUGHTER

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Henry Zipzer!

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Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about that bit.

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But I handed my homework in on time!

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-SHE SIGHS

-It's actually a funny story.

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OK, you've made your point.

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But I have tried all term,

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she could have at least given me a C for effort!

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But you kept annoying her, always putting your hand up in class.

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-97.

-No.

-Jupiter?

-Wrong.

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A dancing chicken?

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Have you been listening to a single word I've said?!

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-SHE SIGHS

-They can't have all been wrong!

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-Plus, you just opened your report and Miss Adolf said not to.

-Aw, man!

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Mum and Dad won't be able to think up a punishment big enough,

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they'll have to hire an evil genius to think up one instead.

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Write 5,000 pages on why I am better than you.

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SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

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-Unless...

-BOTH: Unless?

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Unless I charm them into going easy with my secret weapon.

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He's just listed all the other men you could have married

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and graded their DIY skills out of ten.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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-You'll be shocked to hear, I'm at the bottom.

-I'm making the Mortadella,

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so just keep thinking about those shiny new golf clubs you'll get.

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Oh, I'm having new clubs and I'm having a new bag

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and I'm having one of those little cart things.

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-Stan!

-Coming, Pete!

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You owe me!

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Pass me that posidrive, will you?

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If you mean screwdriver, say screwdriver!

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STAN SIGHS DRILL WHIRS

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SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

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DRILL WHIRS

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GUNFIRE

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GUNFIRE

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You ain't welcome in this town, partner.

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If you'd rather be playing games like a little boy

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than doing DIY, like a man, I can leave.

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DRILL WHIRS

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Hello. Hungry people here to rob this place.

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Hey! Don't creep up on me like that.

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-Papa Pete's not with you is he?

-No, just us, Mrs Z.

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-Er...why are you pulling that weird face? What have you done?

-Nothing.

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-What are you making, Mrs Zipzer?

-Ah, Mortadella,

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for the World of Meat, they might be stocking it.

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Bob Bing the Sausage King! I love those ads!

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-ALL:

-Howdy.

-Hm.

-Mum, that's great, well done.

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Ah, thank you. How was your day?

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It was all right. Pretty uneventful.

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-Nothing happened.

-Your regular boring school day.

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Mum, I got an amazing school report.

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-Wait till you read this!

-Oh...it's school report day.

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Yeah...I totally forgot.

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-Hm.

-Don't worry about thinking of a reward,

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I'll just take a cake from the display stand

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-for being so clever.

-Yeah, but just take one.

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An uneventful day, eh? Where's your charming smile now?

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Hand it over, chief.

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Not even you can mess up this part.

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Hold those still for the next five minutes, while the glue dries.

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Aye, aye, Captain.

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-Where you going?

-I must have left my sander

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at the deli when I hung that new door.

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-I'll be back shortly.

-No!

-Oh, Stan!

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-Hold them still!

-But...

-You don't want your wife to see

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yet another DIY disaster?

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So hold those shelves...like a man.

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Just make sure you don't stick yourself to the wall, too.

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I'm sure I put it somewhere in here.

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Yeah, well, maybe if you look with your eyes as well as your hands.

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Unless you've got little tiny eyeballs

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on the end of your fingertips to help you look?

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-Now, that would be cool.

-Report! Now!

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Oh, look, my science workbook. This term we're doing astronomy.

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-It's interesting to look at the stars, isn't it, Ashley?

-Yes.

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Mrs Zipzer, did you know that the Earth

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is 93 million miles away from the sun?

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Well, did you know that Hank

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is going to want to be 93 million miles away from me

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if he doesn't produce his report. Give me the bag. Let's see.

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I must have dropped it on my way home.

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-Pigeons love to pick up paper.

-Yeah, I saw that on a documentary once.

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They shred it up and they use it to build their nests.

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And, apparently, they're particularly keen on school reports.

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Yeah, well you're right, it's not in here.

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-What have you got behind your back?

-Nothing.

-Frankie, give it to me.

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-Nothing here.

-Me neither.

-Listen, I know what you're all doing!

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Give me that report.

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There's nothing here, Mum. It's totally disappeared.

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What in all that's holy is going on here?!

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BOTH: I can explain!

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Mortadella! But where's the fresh chilli?

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The garlic? The secret family spices?!

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Oh, Oh, hm! I must have forgotten to put them in.

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Oi-yo-yo! This batch is ruined!

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-We'll have to start all over again!

-I'm saved!

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But now I don't have a school report.

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The way I see it, I've got three options.

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One. Build a time machine, go back and make sure this time

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I don't put my report in the mincer.

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Two. I persuade Mr Love

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that all the reports were infected by a deadly disease,

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so he has to tell all the parents to destroy them.

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Or three. I write a brand-new report myself

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-and pretend it's the real one.

-Hey, that's not a bad idea.

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Frankie, I was joking. I can barely write one paragraph for my homework,

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how am I going to write a whole report?

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You don't have to. You can copy bits from ours

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-and paste them into a new one.

-That's probably the best idea

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since the invention of peanut-butter ice cream. Let's do it!

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Now...can you tell me what the three most important ingredients are

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-when making Mortadella?

-SHE SIGHS

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Garlic, chilli and the secret family spices.

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Very good. And what happens when we forget to put them in?

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BOTH: We have to throw the batch away.

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And we don't want that to happen now, do we?

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Actually...shall I tell you

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what really happens when we forget to put them in?

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We get an invite from the World of Meat.

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Bob Bing the Sausage King wants to try my Mortadella?!

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No, he wants to try my Mortadella, because yours is way too hot.

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-You mean...?

-I didn't forget to put in the chillies,

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I deliberately left them out.

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You changed great-grandmamma Maria's Mortadella recipe?!

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No disrespect to the lady,

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but she must have had a fire extinguisher for taste buds.

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The name above the door is The Spicy Salami,

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not The Bland and Tasteless Sausage! Hot...is how we do it!

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Tomorrow, Bob Bing is going to taste MY Mortadella!

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Over my...dead...body!

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Great-grandmamma Maria, get ready for a visitor!

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I think we aced it.

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-Hank's report is now better than mine!

-The final touch.

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Look at that, good as new.

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Well, that won't do.

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Now it looks like it's been in Hank's bag.

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-Hey, Mum, guess what I just found?

-One second, Hank.

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I'd like to propose a toast.

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Good luck, Rosa, I hope the Mortadella gets you on the map.

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-Yeah, good luck, Mum.

-Good luck.

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Thank you. I'm going to let you into a little secret,

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I switched Papa Pete's Mortadella with mine!

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He'll think that Bob Bing

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is tasting his, but really it'll be my new recipe!

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Oh, that is genius! THEY LAUGH

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Although under normal circumstances

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-lying to your parents is, of course, terribly wrong.

-Yep.

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You mean, you switched it

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with the sausage you were making when we came in?

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Yeah. So when we get tomorrow's big order,

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then I'll tell Pop that it was my recipe that won it.

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-SHE LAUGHS

-Mum, I'm sorry,

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-but you can't use your sausage.

-Er...why not?

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Well, it's because...

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Papa Pete's tastes so much better.

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Hank! Take that back...for your own safety, if nothing else.

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No, no, it's fine, he's entitled to his opinions,

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even if they're rude opinions.

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Even about the person who does ALL the cooking.

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Talk about biting the hand that feeds.

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ROSA SIGHS

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OK, forget about my fake school report,

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I've got to stop Bob Bing from eating that Mortadella!

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New plan. Operation Sausage Swap.

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Get into the deli before it opens...

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swap the school report sausage with Papa Pete's.

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There's only one here. Which one is this?

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-I think it's your mum's.

-Look, you can see bits of your report.

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-Does that say "lazy"?

-It looks more like "late" to me.

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-HANK SIGHS

-But where's Papa Pete's?

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OK, Plan B. We need to make a new one.

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-How long will that take.

-Dunno, exactly.

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You have made one before, right?

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No, but it's a big fat sausage, how hard can it be?

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"Emily makes excellent contributions in class

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"and her insightful observations

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"often stimulate further debate on the subject."

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Excellent contributions, insightful observations.

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I know, Katherine.

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I think I'm going to get this school report framed!

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Do you think a gold or silver frame would look best?

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I agree, a gold frame would look much more impressive.

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Maybe I should get one for every page?

0:17:130:17:15

That is one messed up Mortadella.

0:17:180:17:21

Maybe if we just try straightening it.

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SHE SIGHS It's over!

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Time of death...8:02am.

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HE SIGHS

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No...it's still alive!

0:17:310:17:34

Whoa! How did you do that?!

0:17:380:17:40

Frankie, it's Papa Pete's. Mum must have thrown it away.

0:17:400:17:43

We can't use that it's been in a bin!

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Salmonella, E.coli and botulism, do these words mean nothing to you?

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Just give it a quick rinse under the tap and it'll be fine.

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SHE SIGHS SHOP BELL RINGS

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Oh, no!

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SHOP BELL RINGS

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Plan C?

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Well, we don't need to ask

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-if we're in the right place.

-THEY LAUGH

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Look, Italy is a pepperoni!

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Soon it's going to be my Mortadella, instead.

0:18:210:18:25

Yes, I'm sure it will, Pop.

0:18:250:18:27

Welcome to Bing's World of Meat, the home of worldwide meat-based treats!

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Mr Bing's just running a few minutes late, but he can't wait

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to...MEAT you..

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-THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

-Meat!

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Anyway, you can wait in his office. Please follow me.

0:18:400:18:43

ASHLEY: Someone's coming! Quick!

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TEXT ALERT CHIMES

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Ashley?!

0:18:570:18:59

PHONE RINGS

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Bob Bing's World of Meat.

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OK. OK.

0:19:110:19:14

Ready? Let's go over it again, Pop.

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At The Spicy Salami,

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we use only the finest ingredients to make our Mortadella.

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I use the finest ingredients, you want to leave them out.

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Don't start, Pop, otherwise I'll leave you out of the pitch

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of the... deli...of my life!

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TEXT ALERT CHIMES

0:19:320:19:34

-Busted!

-Hank, what are you doing here?!

-Er...

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-And why are there two Mortadella?

-Hi.

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-We'll just be going.

-No, you stay right there!

0:19:420:19:45

This is Pop's sausage!

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You put them up to this,

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-switching it back, didn't you?

-What are you talking about?

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Oh, I swapped the sausages so that Bob Bing could taste my recipe.

0:19:520:19:56

-You did what?!

-Hang on.

0:19:560:19:59

Pops' sausage was in the bin.

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Hank, you can't take food out of the bin! What were you thinking?!

0:20:010:20:04

-That's what I said.

-You threw my Mortadella in the bin?!

0:20:040:20:07

-Oh, well...

-Mum, stop it! Stop!

0:20:070:20:11

Howdy, folks, looks like we got the whole,

0:20:110:20:14

I say, the whole kit and caboodle here!

0:20:140:20:17

Hello, Mr Bing. Erm...this is my son, Hank.

0:20:170:20:20

-Howdy, Hank.

-And these are my friends.

-We're big fans.

0:20:200:20:24

-Any chance of an autograph?

-Happy to oblige, son.

0:20:240:20:27

Now... BUZZER

0:20:290:20:31

Susan, please bring in my tasting trolley.

0:20:310:20:34

We've actually brought two Mortadellas,

0:20:340:20:36

so that you can decide which one is better.

0:20:360:20:38

Well, all I can say is

0:20:380:20:40

you can never, I say, you can never have too much sausage.

0:20:400:20:44

So bring on the Mortadella. Let's see what you got.

0:20:440:20:48

-Thank you, Miss Susan.

-Always a-start with the best.

0:20:480:20:51

If you don't mind having your mouth scorched.

0:20:510:20:55

HE GASPS

0:21:050:21:07

-It's a-good, isn't it?

-Water!

0:21:070:21:10

HE GASPS

0:21:100:21:12

Mm!

0:21:120:21:15

HE GASPS AND PANTS

0:21:150:21:17

I'm so sorry, Mr Bing.

0:21:170:21:19

I'm sure you'll find our next offering much more pleasant.

0:21:190:21:22

I think I'll be the judge of that, missy.

0:21:220:21:25

-Mm!

-He likes it. We've got away with it.

0:21:330:21:37

See, it's good, isn't it?

0:21:370:21:39

HE GASPS

0:21:390:21:41

-Erm...

-Are you out of your cotton-picking mind?!

0:21:410:21:45

Why, this sorry excuse for a sausage

0:21:450:21:47

tastes worse than a cowboy boot stuffed full of mouldy old newspaper!

0:21:470:21:51

It's not Mum's fault! I dropped my school report in the mincer.

0:21:510:21:55

-And it's a shame cos it was a really good school report.

-"Grade D!"

0:21:560:22:00

-OK, it wasn't that good.

-Get out of my office!

0:22:000:22:02

Go on, then, the whole lot of ya!

0:22:020:22:04

And take your sorry excuse for a Mortadella with you.

0:22:040:22:06

Go on, get out of here!

0:22:060:22:07

I think it's best if we just put the whole thing behind us.

0:22:190:22:23

I know, now we can talk about my amazing school report.

0:22:230:22:26

-HANK GROANS

-Could you pass the salad, please?

0:22:260:22:29

-What are you going to do with it, throw it in the bin?

-I said sorry!

0:22:290:22:32

You should never have changed the recipe!

0:22:320:22:33

Don't fight, it's my fault. You should both be angry with me.

0:22:330:22:37

So it was you that threw the sausage in the bin?

0:22:370:22:39

-No, I took it out of the bin.

-I'm confused.

0:22:390:22:41

When will we talk about my school report?

0:22:410:22:44

Hang on a minute. Whose sausage had Hank's report in it?

0:22:440:22:47

MOBILE BUZZES

0:22:470:22:50

-Quick, turn on the TV!

-SHE GROANS

0:22:500:22:52

"Investigators discovered many of the products being sold

0:22:520:22:55

"in World of Meat contained over 90% camel meat.

0:22:550:22:58

"Owner and self-styled Texan, Bob Bing,

0:22:580:23:01

"real name Robert Murgatroyd, of Huddersfield, had this to say."

0:23:010:23:04

"I mean, basically, when you think about it,

0:23:040:23:07

"a camel is just a very tall cow, in't it?"

0:23:070:23:10

"It looks like the reign of Bob Bing, the Sausage King, is over."

0:23:100:23:13

I knew there was something off about his accent. "Howdy!"

0:23:130:23:17

Camel meat?! If we'd got that deal,

0:23:170:23:20

the deli's reputation would have been ruined!

0:23:200:23:22

That would have really given me the hump.

0:23:220:23:24

It's a camel joke.

0:23:260:23:28

So, actually, it's a good thing

0:23:280:23:30

my report ended up in the Mortadella and ruined the deal.

0:23:300:23:32

-Grounded for a month.

-Now, can we talk about

0:23:390:23:41

how fabulous my school report was?

0:23:410:23:43

Talking of reports, if your one ended up in the mincer...

0:23:430:23:46

..what's this one I found in your bag?

0:23:490:23:51

I'm mincemeat!

0:23:520:23:54

Well, that's it, that's what everyone's

0:23:560:23:59

-going to be wearing this summer.

-KNATS.

0:23:590:24:01

-These aren't KNATS! What are they?!

-They're NITS!

0:24:010:24:04

This...is nit-name territory.

0:24:040:24:07

Are you competing in the 1976 Olympics?

0:24:070:24:09

We'll see how your sense of humour holds up

0:24:090:24:11

when you have to take Miss Adolf's PSHE class.

0:24:110:24:13

Congratulations, Hank, you're a dad.

0:24:130:24:15

If these babies do not come back healthy and happy...you've failed!

0:24:150:24:20

Ten minutes! Ten minutes is all I ask!

0:24:200:24:23

Every weekend for the next month, you can work at the deli.

0:24:230:24:26

I can work in the deli and look after a baby, how hard can it be?

0:24:260:24:29

-OK, where is your son?

-With a babysitter.

0:24:290:24:31

Katherine bit off one of Rocky's toes!

0:24:310:24:34

-What?!

-That is it. It's work or baby!

0:24:340:24:37

-Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?

-You have no idea.

0:24:370:24:40

HE SIGHS

0:24:400:24:41

Hank is distraught when he gets a terrible school report. While attempting to hide it from his mum, he accidentally ends up throwing it into the deli mincer, where it is turned into a mortadella sausage. Things get worse when Rosa announces that she is using the contaminated sausage for an important tasting session with a potential big new client. Hank and friends decide they must sneak into the tasting session and replace the contaminated batch with a new one.


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