Who Ordered the Baby? Hank Zipzer

Hi. I can't talk right now.

BABY CRIES

I've got to get to little Rocky before the ground does.

'Sorry, you don't know who Rocky is, do you?

'He's my son. Let me start from the beginning.'

BEEPING

-Dare I ask?

-Trying to beat the world record.

Mr Townsend, that is not a sport.

-Yeah, but Mr Love, you're not a PE teacher.

-I am today.

As part of staff training week,

all of your teachers will be swapping classes.

Nevertheless, I still expect you to give them

your full cooperation, as normal.

-As normal?

-So, shall we warm up? Yes?

Little jogging and all that. Come on. Yes.

Well, that's it.

That's what everyone's going to be wearing this summer.

Knats.

Niche Daliwal has chosen.

'My mouldy old trainers were now seriously uncool.

'So, I badgered Mum for a pair of Knats, day and night,

-'until finally...'

-Guess what, guess what, guess what?

-You didn't!

-I did.

This is incredible.

I never thought this day would come.

What in the name of Zeus are these?

-What?

-These-these-these aren't Knats. I don't even know what they are.

-What are they?

-They're Nits.

The man in the shop said they're the same as Knats, only half the price.

Well, they're not like Knats, at all. And you know why?

Cos they've got a massive "Nit" on it.

-Well, they do the same job.

-Do they?

Niche Daliwal doesn't have Nits.

-Who is Niche Daliwal?

-Who's Niche Daliwal?!

-I will not tell him you said that.

-What is the matter with you?

Why couldn't you get the proper kind?

Just for once, Mum, just for once, I'd like to be normal.

You want to be normal or you want to be homeless?

Do you know how much it costs to bring up a child?

Sometimes, I've got to disappoint.

Congratulations, Mum.

Great job there. Because, you know, this is nickname territory.

It'll stick with me for years.

You are not being a good parent.

-What did you just say, young man?

-Um...

If what lousy insect you have on the side of your trainer is what's

important to you, why don't you earn some extra money,

-so that you can pay for them?

-Well, duh, I don't have a job.

Well, you do now. Every weekend for the next month...

-you can work at the deli.

-Fine. No problem.

Got yourself a deal.

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

# I love Edith... #

Are you loving this, Edith?

Oh, Leland, are you competing in the 1976 Olympics?

-Very droll, Mr Rock.

-Thank you.

We'll see how your sense of humour holds up

when you have to take Miss Adolf's PSHE class.

While Miss Adolf takes your music class.

Also, everyone, as part of staff training week,

all teachers must attend a special motivational day on Saturday.

-Yes, Mr Rock?

-I got "motivational." I got "special."

-I swear you said "Saturday"?

-I did.

Isn't Saturday reserved for NOT being a teacher? Am I right?

Come on, am I right?

I am a teacher every minute of every day.

I have absolutely no life beyond teaching.

# I don't doubt that... #

-Can I ask you a question?

-Yeah.

What exactly is PHS-eh, what?

INSTRUMENTS TUNE BADLY

TRUMPET ISSUES NOTE

What do you call this cacophonous racket?

-Music, Miss Adolf?

-Music?

Music has structure, music has form, music has rules.

-Mr Rock says, "Rules are for fools."

-Does he?

GIGGLING

And I suppose he also encourages this love of rock music?

Mr Rock says, "If you ain't got rock, you ain't got soul."

It appears Mr Rock says a lot of things that are not only untrue,

but grammatically incorrect.

Today, we shall be focusing on one of the oldest

-and purest of all the instruments.

-The electric guitar!

The human voice, Mr Townsend.

# Do Re Mi

# Fa So La

# Ti Do. #

Now, into a line. Along the line, starting with...

# Do. #

Begin.

-# Do

-Re

-# Mi

-Fa

# So La

# Ti... #

HE SINGS HYMN IN LATIN

Oh! Excellent, Nicholas!

This isn't Britain's Got Talent.

Nicholas is the only person who seems to know how to breathe correctly.

Where...is your diaphragm?

-Oh, it's...

-Here!

So, we shall all start again. This time fully engaging our diaphragms.

Begin.

ALL: # Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti... #

Chin up, Zachary, you must project.

That sword is blunt, isn't it?

Don't want us to find out. Keep singing, keep singing!

ALL: # Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti... #

OK, welcome to Infant Simulators.

Or, in English, that would be babies.

They are designed to give you the full parenting experience.

I want you to get into "parenting pairs" and come up

and pick up the new member of your family for this weekend.

That just leaves...Hank and Katie.

Congratulation's, Hank, you're a dad.

It's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do.

And just like real babies, they need to be fed and changed

and loved and burped.

And everything you do is recorded 24/7...on my app.

If these babies do not come back healthy and happy, you fail.

GROANING

I did not write the rules.

Take your little lovebugs home with you. Have a great weekend.

Wait, I can't do this weekend.

Don't look at me, I'm going away this weekend.

To my gran's in Brighton.

She's ill and I'm organising a fun run to raise money for her disease.

Which is called... Cosmo-plasmatic-itis.

You don't want to make my ill grandmother upset, do you?

-Of course not. And it sounds like a really good cause.

-Thanks. See ya!

HE SIGHS

Hank, I'm going to give you some advice

that Jimmy Kick gave me years ago.

"You feed a baby milk, you got a full nappy.

"You feed a baby love, you'll both be happy."

-Who's Jimmy Kick?

-I don't believe you just said that to me.

He was the lead singer of Blood And Thunder.

ROCK GUITAR

OK, if you get into any trouble,

Hank, I am available 24 hours, all weekend long.

Wow, these babies are really life-like.

This one already smells like it needs a change.

-Actually, that was.

-OK, fine! You're on your own!

-BABY CRIES

-Sh! What do I do?

BEEPING

BABY CRIES

It's fine, I can do both.

I can work in the deli and look after a baby.

How hard can it be?

Hey, Hank. Where's your baby?

Grr!

HE PANTS

I don't know how parents remember all the time.

-What's this?

-Oh, Mary-Kate went down early,

-so we're just having some down time.

-What? How?

-I'll show you.

Frankie, hug.

Rock.

Burp.

BABY BURPS

We call it Burp That Kid.

Mine's must be broken. It has to be.

BABY CRIES

All right, tell you what.

I'll do your chores for a month if we swap babies.

Well, I do love her.

-But it's chores for a month.

-Goodbye, Mary-Kate.

-Hello...what's his name?

-Rocky. I named him after Mr Rock.

Hello, Rocky.

BABY STOPS CRYING

BABY CRIES

Oh, wait a minute.

BABY STOPS CRYING

BABY CRIES

Oh, no, it's not the baby it's me!

BABY CRIES

Ten minutes! Ten minutes, is all I ask!

-Will you shut that creepy fake baby up?

-Sh!

-He's really sensitive.

-What is going on?

Mum, you've got two kids, just take him.

Just for a minute or a second - I beg you!

Oh, so, apparently, my parenting skills ARE worth something.

No, Hank, I'm sorry, but this is your responsibility.

I think he needs changing.

Actually, that was me.

You better get dressed, Hanky, you're due at work.

Yeah, Mum, about that. Maybe I could start next weekend.

That's not how the real world works, Hank.

You can't just take a job and turn up when you want.

-But I've got a kid now.

-Oh, if only I could imagine what that was like.

Twice. For real.

-You're loving this, aren't you?

-You have NO idea.

Come on.

HE SIGHS

Now, I know some of you don't want to be here on a Saturday...

That would be ALL of us.

Nonsense! I have nowhere better to be.

In fact, I am having what I believe some people call "fun."

Isn't she adorable?

So, this week has been an important exercise in widening your skill set

and will culminate today with a series of trust-building exercises.

GROANING

I need you in pairs, though, so Mr Rock, you're with Miss Adolf.

-Yeah?

-Are you serious?

Mm-hm.

Well, the fun just keeps getting funner.

BEEPING

Yes! New personal best.

Turn your music down, you'll wake her.

I'm just trying to encourage her to be a musician.

She's not going to be a musician, she's going to be a surgeon.

-What are those?

-Medical school brochures.

-Don't you think she's

a bit young to be thinking about which medical school she'll go to?

It's a competitive world - you snooze, you lose.

Well, I think she just kick back, you know, see where life takes her.

I think she should focus on what I want - I mean, what she wants.

-Come to Mummy.

-No!

-No!

BABY CRIES

BOTH: What's happening to us?

-You want me to what?

-Babysit Rocky. It's only for a few hours.

And if he cries it'll be one of three things - hug, food or poo.

-It's simple.

-If it's that simple

-why do you look like you're on the verge of tears?

-Please, Emily!

And I'll give you one hour of my wages at the deli.

Two hours and it's a deal.

-What?

-The way I see it, you're between a Rocky and a hard place.

That was a pun, by the way.

LIZARD HISSES

-Where do I start?

-OK, where is your son?

-With a babysitter.

And I'll tell you something else, when he's old enough

to wear trainers, I'm going to buy him the best that money can buy.

This next exercise is called The Minefield.

You must learn to listen and trust your partner's instructions,

as they guide you through the obstacles.

Don't you worry your cotton little socks,

I'm going to get you through this.

-I doubt that very much.

-That's not very trusting of you, Miss A.

-Just tell me where to go.

-Don't tempt me.

-Right, left.

-Which did you mean?

-Right or left?

-Oh, right! Left.

You're doing it again. Do I go left or right?

-Left.

-Thank you.

And forward.

And forward.

Right on, Miss A.

Oh!

I cannot work with this man!

Trust hug!

I guess not.

No!

HE SIGHS

-That was poor.

-Oh(!)

PHONE RINGS

-Everything OK?

-Everything's not OK.

BABY CRIES Catherine is jealous.

I'm sorry, I swear you just said, "Catherine is jealous."

-Right. Jealous.

-Can iguanas be jealous?

If David Attenborough says they can be jealous,

then, they can be jealous.

And does David Attenborough say they can be jealous?

Yes, he does. And she is.

-Well, why don't you just put her in a different room?

-Too late.

-What do you mean?

-Catherine bit off one of Rocky's toes.

-What?!

Now, come and get Rocky, before Catherine's scarred permanently.

Catherine's scarred?!

I didn't know it was Bring Your Child To Work Day.

I can do both, you'll see.

-There's no shame in admitting defeat.

-I can do it!

BABY CRIES

Good start(!)

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

HE SIGHS

'From hero...

'..to zero.'

Right, that it is. You've got to make a choice, kiddo. It's work or baby.

BABY CRIES

I'm sorry, Rocky. But there are cool trainers at stake here.

You'll understand when you're older.

BABY STOPS CRYING

BABY CRIES

BABY STOPS CRYING

-BABY CRIES

-Awesome.

It's like a big metal dummy.

BABY STOPS CRYING

OK...

You are going to catch me?

Of course I'm going to catch you, that's the exercise.

-That is the exercise, right?

-Yes.

You sure you're not breaking some sort of...health and safety code?

Earth to Miss Adolf, it's Saturday.

There's no health and safety on Saturdays?

Some people actually got the day off.

Come on, Miss Adolf, everyone's waiting.

-What if he drops me?

-I'm not going to drop you.

-If you do...

drop me... there will be consequences.

-I'm not going to drop you.

-Severe consequences.

I have been to a lot of concerts, I've caught a lot of people,

it's impossible for me to drop you.

It is unimaginable that I will drop Y-O-U.

OK...

BABY CRIES

Oh, that's the baby monitor.

Oops.

HE SIGHS

Poor.

BABY CRIES

Why won't you sleep? Or just keep quiet? Either will do.

-Frankie, help me out here.

-No way. I just held her for two hours.

I'm going back to my world-record attempt.

-What happened to it?

-Don't know. Maybe Mary-Kate broke it.

-She's a fake baby.

-Yeah? Well, I'm having her fake adopted.

How could you say that...?

BABY CRIES Actually, it's not a bad idea.

I don't know why all parents don't use electronic interference.

-How did you pull that off?

-I don't know. Something just clicked.

-Very impressed.

-Thanks.

Enjoy your meal.

Mr Rock, what are you doing here?

OK, first of all, I'm avoiding Miss Adolf - do not ask -

and second of all, the app on my phone said Rocky is off.

-What?

-Mm-hm.

-But...

Oh! The microwave didn't just shut him up, it shut him down.

Did you just say "microwave"?

No! When you put Rocky NEXT to the microwave, he stops crying.

Mr Rock, I really wanted those trainers

and he just didn't stop crying.

I'm such a terrible parent.

BABY LAUGHS

He seems fine now. Apparently.

I've learned so much about what it's like not only to be a parent,

but also a child.

Either there's been a Pinocchio-style miracle or...

-Oh, no.

-OK, I cannot help you with this, Hank.

It's all you.

What are you going to do?

BABY CRIES

BABY STOPS CRYING

-You're doing great.

-It's OK. It's OK.

-Where is he?

-Oh, he's down there.

# Hush, little baby, you sound like a cat

# Papa's gonna buy you a pair of Knats

# And when you put them on your feet

# It will make your life real sweet. #

Wow. He never does that for anyone.

OK, give him back, now.

All right, Hank, this is a one-time deal.

If you want to complete the assignment, I will reset him.

No-one will ever know. That's the kind of bad teacher I am.

But you can't do both, you know that. If you're going to look after Rocky,

then you can't work for the rest of the weekend.

Wow, that necklace looks beautiful on you, Miss Adolf.

-You find this amusing, Mr Rock?

-Honestly, no.

And now, I have to clean up the mess you've no doubt made

of my PSHE class.

Henry Zipzer passed his infant simulator exercise?

If, by infant simulator, you mean baby,

and if, by passed, you mean, aced it - yes, he did.

And my music class?

They still can't sing for toffee.

But I think you'll find their ability to read music much improved.

You see? We're building trust here.

I'm wearing a neck brace, Mr Rock.

Fair point, Miss Adolf.

-Where's the milk? Did you bring the milk?

-I don't have the milk,

-you were supposed to bring the milk.

-It's probably with the baby.

-I'm back.

-Katie!

-How's your gran?

-My gran? I don't know.

Oh, um, yeah, she's fine. Complete recovery.

-Let me take "whatever" back in to class.

-It's Rocky.

-Whatever.

-What are those?

-Yeah, Knats are way out.

Niche says they're an embarrassment.

Scarlett Burners are totally where it's at.

Scarlet Burners? Phew! Dodged the bullet there.

-What's this?

-I was so proud of you for choosing to look after the baby

that I thought you deserved a reward. Go on, open it.

You shouldn't have.

You really shouldn't have.

Why, what's wrong?

Nothing.

They're perfect.

Have I ever told you that you're a great mum?

Aw!

Hank is on his third detention in a row.

I hate detention! Except when it's detention with Mr Rock.

You didn't see him with Mr Rock. He's never been like that with me.

Where's Hank?

I'm not entering the talent show if we're under-rehearsed.

Emily's practising for the talent show, even if her lizard act

-is really dull.

-Hey, lizards are not dull.

Come on, sweetheart, I'm just trying to make you seem interesting.

-But I was already interesting.

-I'm just not feeling it.

From now on things are going to be a little bit different round here.

-Are you all right, Dad?

-Call me "dude." Or "The Zips."

-Zip Zee and the Zipzters?

-Your dad does know he's not in band, right?

Mr Zipzer, can I film your performance? Put it online?

Hey, that's a radical idea, McCool-T.

He's acting like a total lame-oid.

He's standing right behind you.