Who Ordered the Baby? Hank Zipzer


Who Ordered the Baby?

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hi. I can't talk right now.

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BABY CRIES

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I've got to get to little Rocky before the ground does.

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'Sorry, you don't know who Rocky is, do you?

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'He's my son. Let me start from the beginning.'

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BEEPING

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-Dare I ask?

-Trying to beat the world record.

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Mr Townsend, that is not a sport.

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-Yeah, but Mr Love, you're not a PE teacher.

-I am today.

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As part of staff training week,

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all of your teachers will be swapping classes.

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Nevertheless, I still expect you to give them

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your full cooperation, as normal.

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-As normal?

-So, shall we warm up? Yes?

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Little jogging and all that. Come on. Yes.

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Well, that's it.

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That's what everyone's going to be wearing this summer.

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Knats.

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Niche Daliwal has chosen.

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'My mouldy old trainers were now seriously uncool.

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'So, I badgered Mum for a pair of Knats, day and night,

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-'until finally...'

-Guess what, guess what, guess what?

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-You didn't!

-I did.

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This is incredible.

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I never thought this day would come.

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What in the name of Zeus are these?

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-What?

-These-these-these aren't Knats. I don't even know what they are.

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-What are they?

-They're Nits.

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The man in the shop said they're the same as Knats, only half the price.

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Well, they're not like Knats, at all. And you know why?

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Cos they've got a massive "Nit" on it.

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-Well, they do the same job.

-Do they?

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Niche Daliwal doesn't have Nits.

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-Who is Niche Daliwal?

-Who's Niche Daliwal?!

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-I will not tell him you said that.

-What is the matter with you?

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Why couldn't you get the proper kind?

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Just for once, Mum, just for once, I'd like to be normal.

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You want to be normal or you want to be homeless?

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Do you know how much it costs to bring up a child?

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Sometimes, I've got to disappoint.

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Congratulations, Mum.

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Great job there. Because, you know, this is nickname territory.

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It'll stick with me for years.

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You are not being a good parent.

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-What did you just say, young man?

-Um...

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If what lousy insect you have on the side of your trainer is what's

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important to you, why don't you earn some extra money,

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-so that you can pay for them?

-Well, duh, I don't have a job.

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Well, you do now. Every weekend for the next month...

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-you can work at the deli.

-Fine. No problem.

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Got yourself a deal.

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UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

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# I love Edith... #

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Are you loving this, Edith?

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Oh, Leland, are you competing in the 1976 Olympics?

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-Very droll, Mr Rock.

-Thank you.

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We'll see how your sense of humour holds up

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when you have to take Miss Adolf's PSHE class.

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While Miss Adolf takes your music class.

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Also, everyone, as part of staff training week,

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all teachers must attend a special motivational day on Saturday.

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-Yes, Mr Rock?

-I got "motivational." I got "special."

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-I swear you said "Saturday"?

-I did.

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Isn't Saturday reserved for NOT being a teacher? Am I right?

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Come on, am I right?

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I am a teacher every minute of every day.

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I have absolutely no life beyond teaching.

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# I don't doubt that... #

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-Can I ask you a question?

-Yeah.

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What exactly is PHS-eh, what?

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INSTRUMENTS TUNE BADLY

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TRUMPET ISSUES NOTE

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What do you call this cacophonous racket?

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-Music, Miss Adolf?

-Music?

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Music has structure, music has form, music has rules.

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-Mr Rock says, "Rules are for fools."

-Does he?

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GIGGLING

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And I suppose he also encourages this love of rock music?

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Mr Rock says, "If you ain't got rock, you ain't got soul."

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It appears Mr Rock says a lot of things that are not only untrue,

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but grammatically incorrect.

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Today, we shall be focusing on one of the oldest

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-and purest of all the instruments.

-The electric guitar!

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The human voice, Mr Townsend.

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# Do Re Mi

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# Fa So La

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# Ti Do. #

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Now, into a line. Along the line, starting with...

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# Do. #

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Begin.

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-# Do

-Re

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-# Mi

-Fa

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# So La

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# Ti... #

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HE SINGS HYMN IN LATIN

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Oh! Excellent, Nicholas!

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This isn't Britain's Got Talent.

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Nicholas is the only person who seems to know how to breathe correctly.

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Where...is your diaphragm?

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-Oh, it's...

-Here!

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So, we shall all start again. This time fully engaging our diaphragms.

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Begin.

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ALL: # Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti... #

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Chin up, Zachary, you must project.

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That sword is blunt, isn't it?

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Don't want us to find out. Keep singing, keep singing!

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ALL: # Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti... #

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OK, welcome to Infant Simulators.

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Or, in English, that would be babies.

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They are designed to give you the full parenting experience.

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I want you to get into "parenting pairs" and come up

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and pick up the new member of your family for this weekend.

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That just leaves...Hank and Katie.

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Congratulation's, Hank, you're a dad.

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It's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do.

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And just like real babies, they need to be fed and changed

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and loved and burped.

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And everything you do is recorded 24/7...on my app.

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If these babies do not come back healthy and happy, you fail.

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GROANING

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I did not write the rules.

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Take your little lovebugs home with you. Have a great weekend.

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Wait, I can't do this weekend.

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Don't look at me, I'm going away this weekend.

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To my gran's in Brighton.

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She's ill and I'm organising a fun run to raise money for her disease.

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Which is called... Cosmo-plasmatic-itis.

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You don't want to make my ill grandmother upset, do you?

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-Of course not. And it sounds like a really good cause.

-Thanks. See ya!

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HE SIGHS

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Hank, I'm going to give you some advice

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that Jimmy Kick gave me years ago.

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"You feed a baby milk, you got a full nappy.

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"You feed a baby love, you'll both be happy."

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-Who's Jimmy Kick?

-I don't believe you just said that to me.

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He was the lead singer of Blood And Thunder.

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ROCK GUITAR

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OK, if you get into any trouble,

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Hank, I am available 24 hours, all weekend long.

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Wow, these babies are really life-like.

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This one already smells like it needs a change.

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-Actually, that was.

-OK, fine! You're on your own!

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-BABY CRIES

-Sh! What do I do?

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BEEPING

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BABY CRIES

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It's fine, I can do both.

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I can work in the deli and look after a baby.

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How hard can it be?

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Hey, Hank. Where's your baby?

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Grr!

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HE PANTS

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I don't know how parents remember all the time.

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-What's this?

-Oh, Mary-Kate went down early,

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-so we're just having some down time.

-What? How?

-I'll show you.

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Frankie, hug.

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Rock.

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Burp.

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BABY BURPS

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We call it Burp That Kid.

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Mine's must be broken. It has to be.

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BABY CRIES

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All right, tell you what.

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I'll do your chores for a month if we swap babies.

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Well, I do love her.

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-But it's chores for a month.

-Goodbye, Mary-Kate.

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-Hello...what's his name?

-Rocky. I named him after Mr Rock.

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Hello, Rocky.

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BABY STOPS CRYING

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BABY CRIES

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Oh, wait a minute.

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BABY STOPS CRYING

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BABY CRIES

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Oh, no, it's not the baby it's me!

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BABY CRIES

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Ten minutes! Ten minutes, is all I ask!

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-Will you shut that creepy fake baby up?

-Sh!

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-He's really sensitive.

-What is going on?

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Mum, you've got two kids, just take him.

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Just for a minute or a second - I beg you!

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Oh, so, apparently, my parenting skills ARE worth something.

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No, Hank, I'm sorry, but this is your responsibility.

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I think he needs changing.

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Actually, that was me.

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You better get dressed, Hanky, you're due at work.

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Yeah, Mum, about that. Maybe I could start next weekend.

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That's not how the real world works, Hank.

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You can't just take a job and turn up when you want.

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-But I've got a kid now.

-Oh, if only I could imagine what that was like.

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Twice. For real.

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-You're loving this, aren't you?

-You have NO idea.

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Come on.

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HE SIGHS

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Now, I know some of you don't want to be here on a Saturday...

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That would be ALL of us.

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Nonsense! I have nowhere better to be.

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In fact, I am having what I believe some people call "fun."

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Isn't she adorable?

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So, this week has been an important exercise in widening your skill set

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and will culminate today with a series of trust-building exercises.

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GROANING

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I need you in pairs, though, so Mr Rock, you're with Miss Adolf.

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-Yeah?

-Are you serious?

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Mm-hm.

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Well, the fun just keeps getting funner.

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BEEPING

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Yes! New personal best.

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Turn your music down, you'll wake her.

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I'm just trying to encourage her to be a musician.

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She's not going to be a musician, she's going to be a surgeon.

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-What are those?

-Medical school brochures.

-Don't you think she's

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a bit young to be thinking about which medical school she'll go to?

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It's a competitive world - you snooze, you lose.

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Well, I think she just kick back, you know, see where life takes her.

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I think she should focus on what I want - I mean, what she wants.

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-Come to Mummy.

-No!

-No!

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BABY CRIES

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BOTH: What's happening to us?

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-You want me to what?

-Babysit Rocky. It's only for a few hours.

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And if he cries it'll be one of three things - hug, food or poo.

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-It's simple.

-If it's that simple

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-why do you look like you're on the verge of tears?

-Please, Emily!

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And I'll give you one hour of my wages at the deli.

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Two hours and it's a deal.

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-What?

-The way I see it, you're between a Rocky and a hard place.

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That was a pun, by the way.

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LIZARD HISSES

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-Where do I start?

-OK, where is your son?

-With a babysitter.

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And I'll tell you something else, when he's old enough

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to wear trainers, I'm going to buy him the best that money can buy.

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This next exercise is called The Minefield.

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You must learn to listen and trust your partner's instructions,

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as they guide you through the obstacles.

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Don't you worry your cotton little socks,

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I'm going to get you through this.

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-I doubt that very much.

-That's not very trusting of you, Miss A.

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-Just tell me where to go.

-Don't tempt me.

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-Right, left.

-Which did you mean?

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-Right or left?

-Oh, right! Left.

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You're doing it again. Do I go left or right?

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-Left.

-Thank you.

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And forward.

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And forward.

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Right on, Miss A.

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Oh!

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I cannot work with this man!

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Trust hug!

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I guess not.

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No!

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HE SIGHS

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-That was poor.

-Oh(!)

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PHONE RINGS

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-Everything OK?

-Everything's not OK.

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BABY CRIES Catherine is jealous.

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I'm sorry, I swear you just said, "Catherine is jealous."

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-Right. Jealous.

-Can iguanas be jealous?

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If David Attenborough says they can be jealous,

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then, they can be jealous.

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And does David Attenborough say they can be jealous?

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Yes, he does. And she is.

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-Well, why don't you just put her in a different room?

-Too late.

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-What do you mean?

-Catherine bit off one of Rocky's toes.

-What?!

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Now, come and get Rocky, before Catherine's scarred permanently.

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Catherine's scarred?!

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I didn't know it was Bring Your Child To Work Day.

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I can do both, you'll see.

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-There's no shame in admitting defeat.

-I can do it!

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BABY CRIES

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Good start(!)

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UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

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HE SIGHS

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'From hero...

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'..to zero.'

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Right, that it is. You've got to make a choice, kiddo. It's work or baby.

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BABY CRIES

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I'm sorry, Rocky. But there are cool trainers at stake here.

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You'll understand when you're older.

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BABY STOPS CRYING

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BABY CRIES

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BABY STOPS CRYING

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-BABY CRIES

-Awesome.

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It's like a big metal dummy.

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BABY STOPS CRYING

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OK...

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You are going to catch me?

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Of course I'm going to catch you, that's the exercise.

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-That is the exercise, right?

-Yes.

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You sure you're not breaking some sort of...health and safety code?

0:17:310:17:35

Earth to Miss Adolf, it's Saturday.

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There's no health and safety on Saturdays?

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Some people actually got the day off.

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Come on, Miss Adolf, everyone's waiting.

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-What if he drops me?

-I'm not going to drop you.

-If you do...

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drop me... there will be consequences.

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-I'm not going to drop you.

-Severe consequences.

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I have been to a lot of concerts, I've caught a lot of people,

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it's impossible for me to drop you.

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It is unimaginable that I will drop Y-O-U.

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OK...

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BABY CRIES

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Oh, that's the baby monitor.

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Oops.

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HE SIGHS

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Poor.

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BABY CRIES

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Why won't you sleep? Or just keep quiet? Either will do.

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-Frankie, help me out here.

-No way. I just held her for two hours.

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I'm going back to my world-record attempt.

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-What happened to it?

-Don't know. Maybe Mary-Kate broke it.

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-She's a fake baby.

-Yeah? Well, I'm having her fake adopted.

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How could you say that...?

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BABY CRIES Actually, it's not a bad idea.

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I don't know why all parents don't use electronic interference.

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-How did you pull that off?

-I don't know. Something just clicked.

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-Very impressed.

-Thanks.

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Enjoy your meal.

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Mr Rock, what are you doing here?

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OK, first of all, I'm avoiding Miss Adolf - do not ask -

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and second of all, the app on my phone said Rocky is off.

0:19:330:19:37

-What?

-Mm-hm.

-But...

0:19:370:19:40

Oh! The microwave didn't just shut him up, it shut him down.

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Did you just say "microwave"?

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No! When you put Rocky NEXT to the microwave, he stops crying.

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Mr Rock, I really wanted those trainers

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and he just didn't stop crying.

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I'm such a terrible parent.

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BABY LAUGHS

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He seems fine now. Apparently.

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I've learned so much about what it's like not only to be a parent,

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but also a child.

0:20:040:20:06

Either there's been a Pinocchio-style miracle or...

0:20:090:20:13

-Oh, no.

-OK, I cannot help you with this, Hank.

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It's all you.

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What are you going to do?

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BABY CRIES

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BABY STOPS CRYING

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-You're doing great.

-It's OK. It's OK.

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-Where is he?

-Oh, he's down there.

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# Hush, little baby, you sound like a cat

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# Papa's gonna buy you a pair of Knats

0:20:460:20:49

# And when you put them on your feet

0:20:490:20:52

# It will make your life real sweet. #

0:20:520:20:55

Wow. He never does that for anyone.

0:20:550:20:57

OK, give him back, now.

0:21:020:21:04

All right, Hank, this is a one-time deal.

0:21:110:21:13

If you want to complete the assignment, I will reset him.

0:21:130:21:16

No-one will ever know. That's the kind of bad teacher I am.

0:21:160:21:19

But you can't do both, you know that. If you're going to look after Rocky,

0:21:190:21:22

then you can't work for the rest of the weekend.

0:21:220:21:25

Wow, that necklace looks beautiful on you, Miss Adolf.

0:21:370:21:39

-You find this amusing, Mr Rock?

-Honestly, no.

0:21:420:21:46

And now, I have to clean up the mess you've no doubt made

0:21:460:21:49

of my PSHE class.

0:21:490:21:52

Henry Zipzer passed his infant simulator exercise?

0:21:570:22:00

If, by infant simulator, you mean baby,

0:22:000:22:03

and if, by passed, you mean, aced it - yes, he did.

0:22:030:22:07

And my music class?

0:22:070:22:09

They still can't sing for toffee.

0:22:090:22:12

But I think you'll find their ability to read music much improved.

0:22:120:22:16

You see? We're building trust here.

0:22:160:22:18

I'm wearing a neck brace, Mr Rock.

0:22:200:22:24

Fair point, Miss Adolf.

0:22:240:22:26

-Where's the milk? Did you bring the milk?

-I don't have the milk,

0:22:400:22:43

-you were supposed to bring the milk.

-It's probably with the baby.

0:22:430:22:46

-I'm back.

-Katie!

0:22:530:22:55

-How's your gran?

-My gran? I don't know.

0:22:550:22:58

Oh, um, yeah, she's fine. Complete recovery.

0:22:580:23:02

-Let me take "whatever" back in to class.

-It's Rocky.

-Whatever.

0:23:020:23:06

-What are those?

-Yeah, Knats are way out.

0:23:110:23:13

Niche says they're an embarrassment.

0:23:130:23:16

Scarlett Burners are totally where it's at.

0:23:160:23:19

Scarlet Burners? Phew! Dodged the bullet there.

0:23:190:23:23

-What's this?

-I was so proud of you for choosing to look after the baby

0:23:340:23:38

that I thought you deserved a reward. Go on, open it.

0:23:380:23:41

You shouldn't have.

0:23:460:23:47

You really shouldn't have.

0:23:490:23:50

Why, what's wrong?

0:23:520:23:54

Nothing.

0:23:540:23:56

They're perfect.

0:23:560:23:57

Have I ever told you that you're a great mum?

0:23:590:24:01

Aw!

0:24:030:24:04

Hank is on his third detention in a row.

0:24:060:24:09

I hate detention! Except when it's detention with Mr Rock.

0:24:090:24:13

You didn't see him with Mr Rock. He's never been like that with me.

0:24:130:24:16

Where's Hank?

0:24:160:24:17

I'm not entering the talent show if we're under-rehearsed.

0:24:170:24:19

Emily's practising for the talent show, even if her lizard act

0:24:190:24:22

-is really dull.

-Hey, lizards are not dull.

0:24:220:24:25

Come on, sweetheart, I'm just trying to make you seem interesting.

0:24:250:24:28

-But I was already interesting.

-I'm just not feeling it.

0:24:280:24:31

From now on things are going to be a little bit different round here.

0:24:310:24:34

-Are you all right, Dad?

-Call me "dude." Or "The Zips."

0:24:340:24:38

-Zip Zee and the Zipzters?

-Your dad does know he's not in band, right?

0:24:380:24:41

Mr Zipzer, can I film your performance? Put it online?

0:24:410:24:45

Hey, that's a radical idea, McCool-T.

0:24:450:24:47

He's acting like a total lame-oid.

0:24:470:24:50

He's standing right behind you.

0:24:500:24:52

Hank is pleased when his mum says he can work in the deli to earn a new pair of the latest cool trainers. That is until he's given his latest school assignment - to look after a pretend baby for the weekend. Despite his best attempts, Hank can't juggle a crying baby and work. He decides to focus on getting the trainers, but disaster strikes when he accidentally ends up swapping his fake baby for a real one.


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