I Think I Broke My Dad Hank Zipzer

'I know what you're thinking -

'is that an out-of-control disco spaceman?

'No, it's me, Hank Zipzer.'

ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS

Yeah, I've got the moves!

Whoa!

The wrong moves in the wrong order.

'See, I've got problems with rhythm and co-ordination

'so I need to get out of here and practise for the big talent show.'

It's all Dad's fault.

He read a magazine article... which had loads of techniques

for helping kids with dyslexia and basically he got way too excited.

Wow! These are great! I can use them to coach Hank!

I gotta get me some wires...

'So here we are. In Dad's Dyslexia Therapy Time.

'And hello, floor.

'and again and again.'

Hank, you nearly broke my laptop!

Sorry, Dad.

'But it was me or it.'

Ugh. Can we stop now?

I need to go and meet Frankie and Ashley for band practice.

-What band?

-Our band for the school talent show.

Well, I'm sorry, Hank, but we're developing

-your rhythmic sequencing abilities.

-Oh.

-It'll help with the band.

Not as much as practising with the band! It's not fair!

Emily's practising for the show.

Even if her lizard act is really dull.

Hey! Lizards are NOT dull!

Yeah. But you are.

No, I am both interesting and informative.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Many lizards prey on insects such as ants.

Or grasshoppers. Or flies.

Or crickets. Or beetles.

Or earwigs...

Yes, my sister is going to win over the audience with her amazing

talents of boring people so badly that their brains just give up.

Or ladybirds. Or butterflies. Or termites. Or...

Honey, I think Hank might be right.

You could just pep it up a little bit?

But I haven't even started on what types of spider they eat yet

-and that part is phenomenal!

-OK, Hank? Back to it, yeah?

-HE SIGHS

-But Frankie and Ashley...

Will have to wait.

Grass spiders. Barn spiders. Common house spiders.

European garden spiders.

Diving bell spiders. Carrot spiders. Long-legged sack spiders.

Leaf-curling sack spiders.

Long-legged silk spiders.

Argh!

Hank!

What? I thought that went well.

Where's Hank? He's late.

I am not entering the talent show if we're under-rehearsed.

MESSAGE ALERT

He says his dad's wired him up to the computer.

Awesome.

Come on, we don't need Hank to practise. Let's rock!

THEY PLAY ROCK MUSIC

Cue drum solo!

Turns out we really do need Hank.

SHE SIGHS

The thing is, I reckon I don't even need Dad's therapies.

I'm doing really well at school.

In fact, this term, I've got all my homework in so far on time.

And what do you call this?

A desk?

Not the desk! The unholy mess on it!

That's my homework.

Your assignment was to describe the Battle of Hastings.

That's why I made this historically accurate eye-arrow.

Argh!

You're supposed to write on the paper, not impale your eye on it!

Oh, you should be more pacif... Pacif...

'Oh, I can never say this word.'

Pacif... Oh, say what you actually mean.

The word you're looking for is "specific".

Every single homework assignment this term, you have either

failed, deliberately misinterpreted, or turned into papier mache.

Wow. I'm REALLY good at avoiding homework.

Well, here they are.

And you're going to do them all again, Henry.

And properly this time. In writing. No glue, no sellotape, no nonsense.

Real homework on real paper on the actual topics.

There. Is that SPECIFIC enough for you?

'Are teachers allowed to give you

'homework weighing more than your head?'

OK, Hank, I'm not angry with you,

because I see this whole homework-athon as an opportunity.

And the only way you're going to get that done is

if you block out all distractions.

Why do I feel like another bit of Dad's Dyslexia Therapy is

coming up here?

So, I present to you the Focus Tent!

Are you sure we can't have a Fun Tent?

I'd much prefer a Fun Tent.

Come on, Stan, he's been at school all day.

Can't he have some time to himself?

Yay, Mum! She'll persuade Dad to cancel essay camp.

Or maybe not.

I don't know why you're so against this.

Oh, yeah, why would I be against the homework prison(?)

Fortunately, I have friends.

MESSAGE ALERT

It's Hank. He wants to know how to break out of a tent.

Has he tried...scissors?

Scissors. Of course!

He'll never make it to the top of his class without focus.

He will never make it to the top of his class full stop.

You have to accept him as he is.

Well, I know that this doesn't fit in with your outlook.

-Really? And what is my outlook?

-You know,

the whole "let them grow in their own way, like a big happy flower"

or something.

Do you mean my "don't lock children in a tent" outlook?

All I'm saying is that you don't understand coaching people to

advance themselves. You understand...cakes.

HE GASPS

Cakes? I understand cakes?

SHE LAUGHS

Well, maybe I'm a better coach than you think I am.

Emily? Mummy's going to help you with your lizard show.

-Won't that be fun?

-Oh, come on, Rosa. All I was saying...

This is an illusion.

I'm really still in there doing my homework.

I'll just get in the tent.

'Dad's right, I should focus

'on thinking up ways to get Miss Adolf off my back.'

SHE SCREAMS

HENRY ZIPZER! DETENTION!

'Detention. I hate detention.

'Except when it's detention with Mr Rock.'

Angrier. You're the king of the jungle. ROAR!

That's it! That's your rock'n'roll face.

'Yeah. Eat my face, detention! Let's rock!'

Here we go!

THEY PLAY LOUD ROCK MUSIC

'Best...detention...ever.'

Lizards live on every continent apart from Antarctica.

Antarctica is too cold for lizards.

But Africa is not too cold for lizards.

While Europe is not too cold for lizards

Also, Asia is not...

Yep, um, OK. I do think it needs a bit more pizzazz.

So how about this? Yes. Carry on.

..too cold for lizards.

North America is not too cold for lizards.

South America is not too cold for lizards.

How about tricks? Can Katherine do tricks?

Maybe Katherine could do a trick?

She CAN lick her own eyeball.

Yes. Perfect. Well, let's try that.

Do you think that's helping?

-No.

-No.

Hank. You're late for therapy hour.

And we've still got all this to do.

-I had detention with Miss Adolf.

-Why?

Well, apparently, "Mine is not to reason why..."

OK, well, um, not sure I've got a therapy for that.

Anyway, let's crack on.

Oh, come on, Stan, give him a break. He's already had a detention!

But I've got this new technique -

eating raw eggs whilst on a balance-board.

You want to try that, don't you, Hank?

Er, yeah. That sounds great.

It's just, um, you know, it's been a really long day

and detention was really hard.

Well, OK. But we're going to hit it double-hard tomorrow, right?

Yeah! Double hard.

Woo!

HE SIGHS

I'm finding it hard to sound enthusiastic.

If only I could have detention every day

and then I wouldn't have to do any of Dad's sessions ever again.

Hey, hang on a minute.

OK. Ways to get detention.

Number one - fill Miss Adolf's bag with baked beans.

SHE GASPS AND SCREAMS

DETENTION!

Number two - bury Mr Love's desk. And Mr Love.

Henry. You're in isolation today.

Don't want you getting into any more trouble, do we?

Why do you have beans?

Um, I swapped my cow for them on the way in.

Thank you.

CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY

'Isolation.

'That's the worst kind of "-ation" apart from constipation.

'How am I going to get detention now?

'I can't just show up for it.'

Or can I?

Turns out I can.

'Ways to get detention. Number three - just show up.'

JAUNTY FLUTE MUSIC PLAYS

So there's that. And then there's this.

FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS

Which one do you think's more lizardy?

Lizards don't like music.

It's ridiculous! Hank is on his third detention in a row.

They're giving him so much extra work

that he hasn't got time to do any of my extra work.

I mean, therapy. Useful, fun therapy.

Maybe you should go in and talk to Miss Adolf about it.

You know what? I will.

OK, ha, how about this one?

JAZZY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

Thought this was a really good one.

Well, I gave Henry detention two days ago, but nothing since.

He definitely said it was you.

Ah, how I wish it were. Alas, it wasn't.

I put him in isolation instead.

And is that better than detention?

It is for me.

Anything else you want to accuse me of?

No.

Then why are you still here?

Keep going.

That's it. Goodbye.

MR ROCK MAKES EXPLOSION NOISE

Thanks, Mr Rock.

-You know, I really feel like I'm learning something.

-So do I.

HE PLAYS DRUM ROLL

Hiss! I'm a lizard.

I'm one of over 5,600 species...

-No.

-..occurring in every...

-No. Sorry. I'm just not feeling it.

I just, I just don't believe you're a lizard.

Because I'm NOT a lizard!

But you can be one...in the wonderful world of the imagination.

Come on, sweetheart, I'm just trying to make you seem interesting.

But I was already interesting!

Er...yeah. Of course you were.

Fine. I'll do it your way.

And I hope it makes YOU happy.

Oh, who can't coach now?

Me, obviously.

Oh, come on, honey.

You didn't see him with Mr Rock.

He's never been like that with me.

Well, different people have different skills.

I mean you've got qualities that Mr Rock doesn't have.

Yeah.

Yeah! You're right. I've been doing this all wrong.

From now on, things are going to be a little bit different round here.

Thank you, sweetheart.

-SHE SIGHS

-I am such a great coach.

Sorry I'm late again, Dad.

OK, this is weird.

Hey! Hank, my dog! Put it there.

Put it where?

I didn't do this, by the way.

No, no, no, no, that was me.

This is what I think of all that boring stuff...

Are you all right, Dad?

No, no, no, no. Don't call me Dad. Call me dude.

Or The Zipz. Or, you know, whatever you like.

We should just do whatever you want to do, man.

What I want? Like not doing my homework?

What, this old thing?

HE MAKES ROBOT NOISES

Nah, that's for squares.

We're just going to cut loose, bro. Name something.

Anything. And we'll do it.

Hey, guys, guess what?

You got into a fight with a fire extinguisher?

Even better!

Spray cream party!

In the face!

No, your face!

-Now them!

-No!

-Yes!

-Argh!

Now hit me up with some sweet tunes, little buddies.

-Actually, Mr Zipzer...

-No, no. The Zipz.

Well, actually, The Zipz, we've kinda finished.

-I told my parents that I...

-Pfff.

-Sorry, what?

Pfff. Who cares what those stiffs say? They don't know nuffink.

They know about brain surgery.

Brain surgery.

HE YAWNS

Forget them! We're going to do what WE want.

-We're going to partay! Are you with me?

-Yeah!

-Yeah?

-YEAH!

Also I'm going to call your parents and tell them

you're having a sleepover at our house.

Now let's play some MUSIC!

Hank is so lucky. He's got a dad who lets him stay up all night

and take the next day off school.

And help us raid the fridge. He's an animal.

I'll never drink treacle again.

We didn't do our homework. What are we going to tell Adolf?

Thank you, Mr Zipzer, I don't need any more details.

Yes, I understand. I hope you get better soon.

Please, don't call me again.

Francis and Ashley.

Mr Zipzer seems to be suffering from the same ailment as Henry

and was somehow... sick on your homework.

You have two extra days to complete it.

BOTH: Coolest dad ever.

"I was sick over their homework." Classic.

I can't believe Mr Z did that for us. He's so awesome.

Careful, Big F. My ears are burning.

All civilians stand clear.

Firefighter Hank is reporting for duty!

Urgh!

Hank? What's he doing here?

We're just hangin'. Ain't we, Hank-Boy Zee?

Say who?

Hank-Boy Zee. Yeah. I've come up with new names for the band.

Mr Zipz, Hank-Boy Zee, Big F,

and...Ashley...

Fashley...Mc...

OK, I haven't thought of one for you yet.

But I have designed some T-shirts. What do you think?

Zip Zee And The Zipzters?!

I know, right? We're going to blow this talent show sky-high!

We?

Why are you on the T-shirt, Mr Zipzer?

You gotta have all the band on the T-shirt, Ashley...Washley...

I WILL think of something for you.

-Dude, did you know about this?

-No.

He's had his jacket zipped up all day.

I thought he was just trying the hipster look.

Hank, your dad does know he's not in the band, right?

I'm not too sure about that.

Yeah! Thanks for coming!

Well, tell him! We can't go on stage with...that.

But that would really upset him.

And it would really upset me to get laughed off stage tomorrow.

You've got to think of an excuse, man.

All right. I'll think of something.

HE MAKES GUITAR NOISES

Oh. Band huddle! Brilliant! What are we talking about?

Yeah, I REALLY need to think of something.

Oh.

-Thought of anything yet?

-I'm still coming up with ideas.

Come on, man. We're up next!

LOUD ROCK DRUMBEAT

What if we dazzle everyone with bright lights

so that no-one can see him?

Bit late for that.

Yeah! Woo!

Mr Zipzer, can I film your performance and put it online?

The whole world needs to see this.

Hey, that's a radical idea, McCoolty. Thanks! Yeah!

Dad!

Oi. Hank.

Emily needs help her with her costume, don't you, Emily?

No.

Well, just stay there anyway. I won't be a minute.

'Only one person can help me now.'

Are you saying to me that your dad wants to get up on stage

and rock out with you? Respect, Mr Z.

What? No respect Mr Z. Bad Mr Z. Embarrassing Mr Z.

He does this!

GUITAR TRILL PLAYS

-I mean...

-Yeah, but think of the fun you're going to have.

He can help you.

But he CAN help me by NOT totally embarrassing me

in front of everyone.

I would go a little easier on your dad if I were you.

Why? He's acting like a total lame-oid!

Because he's standing right behind you.

Those were just the lyrics for a...new song

me and Mr Rock are writing, isn't that right, Mr Rock?

Absolutely. I'm going to go finish it now. Excuse me.

Dad... Ugh.

It's OK, Hank. No need to explain.

I do.

Look, it has been amazing spending so much time with you.

But I haven't really been spending any time with YOU. I've been

spending time with this other guy you're just pretending to be.

I just thought that was what you wanted, you know?

A really cool friend.

You're not really as cool as you think you are.

But you were fun. Loads of fun. But I can do fun.

I just need you to do Dad.

Sure. That's fine by me. To be honest, it's a relief.

These jeans are so tight they're starting to cut off my circulation.

'I managed to avoid upsetting Dad. Disaster had been averted.'

One, two, three, four!

THEY PLAY OUT OF TIME

'Well, until we got on stage.'

Drum solo!

'Dads may be embarrassing. In fact, they are embarrassing.

'But that's the point.

'If they WERE cool, they wouldn't be your dad.'

'We were out of time and out of tune

'but at least we were enjoying it, even if the audience weren't.

'In fact, we were so great at being terrible

'we managed to come last without any help from The Zipz.'

# Take us to the place that we call home. #

Woo! Yeah!

HALF-HEARTED APPLAUSE

Do you know what, Emily? I've been thinking.

This is your talent show, not mine.

And I think you should do it however you want.

Oh, no. That's not going to happen.

I'm going to do exactly as you told me.

Even though I'll hate every minute of it.

-Why?

-So you will suffer for what you've done.

# Lizards, lizards

# They are really cool

# Though they can't survive in blizzards

# And you can't bring them to school

# Lizards, lizards

# Coolest of them all

# Cooler than a wizard

# Who likes to break the rules... #

Sorry, you know I said a minute ago that we came last?

We didn't. We came second to last.

# If you annoy a lizard

# I'm afraid the fault is yours

# When your gizzards all get scissored

# By a Komodo dragon's jaws... #

Hank, if me and your dad ever try and interfere again,

could you just remind us of this moment?

Yeah. Will do, Mum. Will do.

# Lizards, lizards

# They are really cool

# Though they can't survive in blizzards

# And you can't bring them to school

# Lizards, lizards

# Coolest of them all

# Cooler than a wizard

# Who likes to break the rules. #

Roar!

SPARSE APPLAUSE

Oh, and by the way, Hank.

I was going to burn this live on stage during the gig,

but as I'm no longer Cool Dad...

..it's back in the Focus Tent.

Mum, I might need those scissors.

Mr Rock is doing an American-themed week.

If you're on the right, please go and have fun with Mr Rock.

If you're on the left, don't.

Ten things worse than punctuation class with Miss Adolf.

I've got nothing!

Change of plan. I'm in charge of this classroom now.

I want to know who your hero is and, by the end of the week,

I want a presentation.

I think I need to know more about Einstein.

Einstein said, "Imagination is more important than knowledge."

I don't like it.

Wow. Drawing on yourself? You know that's what little kids do, right?

Picking on Year Sixes. That's what cowards do, right?

Oh, shut up, Zitzer.

When were you going to tell me you're working with McKelty?

-We just want to win.

-BOTH: For once.

-What's the book?

-It's about Albert Einstein. I'm doing

-a presentation on him.

-Can I come?

E = MC squared.

RIP!

And R is the rip of my trousers.

LAUGHTER

And L is me leaving...fast.

LAUGHTER