Anyone for Lizard? Hank Zipzer

Sometimes something is so shocking

your brain just can't process it.

BELLS RINGING, ALARMS BLARING

I don't want your brain to freak out, too,

so let's back things up a bit.

It all started with a particularly boring assembly.

Please stop dropping litter in the corridors. It is nasty and wrong.

Hm! And now for some exciting news.

Don't get your hopes up.

The guy has a very weird definition of the word "exciting".

As some of you may be aware, our archrivals, Eastbrook Academy,

have started an exchange programme with a sister school in France.

Now, who can tell me where France is?

Here. Only a stone's throw from England. Pathetic.

We, however, will be starting an exchange programme

with a sister school in Japan, and where is Japan?

Here!

A full 6,039 miles further away from France. Eat THAT, Eastbrook!

Ahem.

Anyone interested in having our exchange student, Yoshi,

stay with them, please check with your parents tonight,

and tomorrow, one lucky student will be drawn from the hat.

And so everyone really wants to have Yoshi to stay.

-Frankie really wants to talk to him about mango comics.

-Manga.

What?

-SHE SIGHS

-The term is manga -

comics created in the Japanese language,

typically with a science fiction or fantasy theme.

Is there anything you don't know?

Why I'm being punished by having you as a brother.

Hank!

Argh! Urgh.

So, can I put my name down?

It would be awesome to have a Japanese student to stay.

I don't have time for that nonsense.

I'm too busy creating a jungle biosphere in my room

so that Katherine will feel more at home.

Is that why it's so hot in here?

The temperature MUST remain at a constant 32 degrees Celsius

-to establish good vine growth.

-No!

No to vines in your bedroom, and no to fiddling with the heating.

But yes to having an awesome Japanese student to stay?

Er... What do you think, Stan?

FAINT SPORTS COMMENTARY FROM TV

I said, "Stan! What do you think?" Oh!

Ow!

THEY LAUGH

-What do you think?

-Um...

Yes. Under the circumstances, I think yes. Definitely yes.

Oh, really? Cos I would have said no, but, I mean, you know, if you think

it's OK for your son to have a tattoo

with a skull with maggots crawling in it, then...

What?

Ah, now I've got your attention.

HANK LAUGHS

Is it really that fascinating?

It's the Ashes, love, so, yeah, it really is quite important.

More important than your son's well-being?

No, of course not.

That tattoo thing WAS a joke, wasn't it?

And now the draw to decide who will have the honour

of hosting our Japanese guest.

Miss Adolf, can I have the names, please?

And the lucky student is...

Ha...

Ha...

Hank Zipzer.

Yes!

Objection. I demand a redraw.

-Go, Hank!

-Go, me!

-Yes!

-Woo!

-Yes!

I'm so sorry, Mr Love.

I put Henry's name right at the bottom of the bucket,

just as you said. You must have delved too deeply.

This is going to be a disaster, Miss Adolf.

Look at the publicity for Eastbrook's French exchange.

Smiling children extending the hands of friendship across the oceans,

boasting of the joys of cross-cultural learning.

We'll have Zipzer running riot

and a child returning to Japan minus a couple of limbs.

Get out.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Miss Adolf?

My father said when he lost a council election, he just paid

someone to make him the winner, so can I do that?

Sadly, no, Nicholas.

Rules are, unfortunately, rules. Henry Zipzer, come here.

It wasn't me.

-What wasn't?

-The thing. Anything. Everything.

This is a permission slip for the student exchange.

I need it signed and returned to me by the end of tomorrow.

OK, Hank, this is one permission slip you cannot lose.

Indeed. Because if you were to lose it, Henry, then, unfortunately,

we would have to look elsewhere for another student

to host our Japanese guest.

Article done, cricket on.

COMMENTARY

Um, I've got the repairmen coming to the deli this morning, love,

so if I write you a shopping list, could you pop out,

because I won't be able to?

Oh...well, yeah, I mean, ordinarily I'd love to help,

but...there's the article.

I thought you said last night you'd nearly finished it.

Only the first draft.

Writing is...a marathon. It's not a sprint.

There's still a LONG way to go. That's what I'm doing now.

Oh, really? Because it... It looked like you were watching the cricket.

No, no - I was just checking the state of things before I get going.

No, it is going to be a long day of work, work, work.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Yamamoto kurisano.

That's Japanese for,

-"See you later, and please can we have pizza for dinner?"

-HE CHUCKLES

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Why are you just standing there?

We're waiting for you to realise you haven't got your permission slip,

panic, run back inside,

turn your room upside down for ten minutes and eventually

find it stuck to yesterday's sock with a half-eaten jellybean.

Well, prepare to be amazed.

You think you know someone...

Guys, nothing is going to go wrong.

OK, so lightning could strike my school bag.

SIZZLING

An evil scientist could command robotic legs to grow out of my bag

and steal it from me.

Or a hungry woodpecker might steal the permission slip

and peck it to smithereens.

But really, how likely is that?

-Yoshi is in the bag.

-Quick!

Tyler's got his head stuck in the recycling bin again. Come and see!

CRICKET COMMENTARY FROM TV

COMMENTARY STOPS

Hey, love. Didn't hear you there.

Yeah, just come to get a bill that I had to pay.

DOOR CLOSING

Oh!

COMMENTARY STARTS AGAIN

DOOR OPENING

COMMENTARY STOPS

I just forgot to say...that... I love you.

Aw! I love you too.

DOOR CLOSING

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

May I present...my permission slip?

Would you just hold the line, please, caller?

Oh...

-It's not in here.

-Don't tell me, Henry.

It's like the time a passing black hole swallowed up

your permission slip, or when the Prime Minister needed it

so his mother could give him permission to go to Africa!

Or when your sister's lizard made a nest out of it.

That one really did happen.

No permission slip, no exchange student.

Oh, dear, Miss.

Do you need someone else to host the exchange student?

Oh, back off, McKelty. She said by the end of the day.

There's still one more period. I'll be back, Miss Adolf.

TV COMMENTATOR: '6-1! 6-1!'

PHONE TINKLES

COMMENTARY STOPS

Hello, love.

I've just had Hank on the phone, and he's lost his permission slip

and he needs a new one signed within the next 40 minutes.

-Can't you go?

-No, I'm rushed off my feet here. Yeah. Thank you!

No, you'll have to go.

Anyway, you probably need a break from your article-writing,

don't you?

Yeah...bit of fresh air.

Oh, yeah, that's...£4.50. Bye!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

KNOCK AT DOOR

But, Miss Adolf!

It is now one minute and 53 seconds past the end of the day,

as denoted by the ringing of the school bell.

Rules are there for a reason, Henry - not just to stop people having fun.

You will NOT be hosting Yoshi.

She said what?!

Rosa, calm down. You don't want to shoot the messenger.

I'm sorry, that is so unfair. Hank is in his room now.

He won't even come out for supper. Hank, love, please!

I think it's sensible. It's bad enough I have to put up with him.

It's cruel to spread misery internationally.

She said it would teach him a lesson about responsibility

and rules and...

Something else that began with R. Raccoons?

No, that wasn't it.

He was a bit upset, so it was hard to tell what he was saying.

I will give them rules.

I am going to go down there right now!

What, right now, yeah? At 7pm?

Fine. I'll... I'll go there first thing in the morning,

and I'm going to have a quiet word with that headmaster.

Ooh, quiet - like that time when you

threatened the maths teacher with a compass?

What do we all think about Angolan witch spiders?

-BOTH:

-No!

All I'm saying is that you might make the situation worse.

Fine. Have it your way. I won't go.

-Right, I want to know...

-Do take a seat, Mrs Zipzer.

No need to stand on ceremony when I see you so often.

Um, I should be...most grateful

if we can engage in a frank... and respectful discussion

about Hank's exclusion from the exchange programme.

Yes, unfortunate, but perhaps better all round in the long run.

Hank won't get distracted from his schoolwork,

Yoshi will be much safer - I mean happier - with someone less...

shall we say "vigorous"?

Um...I both hear and acknowledge your point, Mr Love,

but to take away the exchange from Hank in such a heartless

and petty and bureaucratic and...

SHE SIGHS

He was just so looking forward to it.

Frankly, Mrs Zipzer, if Hank can't look after a permission slip,

how can he be trusted to look after Yoshi?

Well, with our help!

We'd worked out a whole programme for Yoshi.

Um...kite flying, and...

visits to the museum, and football-playing and sheep...

shearing.

Oh, look, please just give Hank one more chance.

-Er...

-Oh!

Let us host a special Japanese banquet

to show how brilliant we would be at hosting Yoshi.

Very well.

On one condition.

Sorry -

WHO'S coming around for dinner?

Miss Adolf. She will be the guest of honour.

That's what I thought, but I was hoping I was going deaf.

Well, Mr Love insisted the only way that you were going to be allowed

to have Yoshi here is if she approves.

Great. It's like someone created

a special Hank Hell.

Oh, shut it, geekoid.

Well, firstly, Rosa, well done on not going down to the school...

Second...

No arguments! We are going to host a Japanese banquet.

I'm going to make 17 different types of sushi,

and Miss Adolf is going to have an evening that she will never forget.

And we are going to prove that the Zipzers are welcoming

and responsible and fun! OK?

I said, "OK?"!

Good.

But he didn't hand in his permission slip! No slip, no exchange.

Those are the rules.

I do understand, but you know how forceful Mrs Zipzer can be.

-It's just one little dinner.

-No, I categorically refuse.

Henry will poison the sushi and set fire to - huh - SOMEONE'S kimono.

-I'll be lucky to make it out alive.

-Exactly. It'll be a disaster,

and then we'll have good reason to ban Zipzer from hosting the student.

-But...

-A disaster all witnessed by a trusted member of staff.

Someone with whom I have a... personal understanding.

Consider it done...

Leland.

HE IMITATES AEROPLANE

OK, my man, what's the problem?

You look like somebody who just found out

that they banned pepperoni pizza.

What if I told you that my mum is hosting a Japanese banquet

with Miss Adolf as our VIP guest?

OK, first thing I would say is, "Wow!"

And then I would go, "Whoa."

And that I would say,

"Hank, you have to do it."

Hosting Yoshi is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

It's like when I went skydiving with the Pope,

only when you host Yoshi, there will be no screaming in Latin.

HE LAUGHS

All right, how about this?

How about if I show up at the dinner for moral support?

You would do that?

Let me think about it... yes, I would!

Hank, have you seen the remote?

It can't have just disappeared...

HE SIGHS

Don't forget, Katherine must sit next to me.

She gets nervous around strangers and it can affect her digestion.

Do you see me laying out eight tiny spoons for spider?

Or pushing two chairs together for an elephant to sit down on? No.

-That's because this is a human-only dinner.

-Then why are you invited?

Can you two to stop missing around and help?

Hank says that Katherine can't come to the banquet.

Can you tell him that she is as much part of the family as he is?

And SHE doesn't do burps that change note in the middle.

That's my speciality.

Sweetheart, I do think that Hank is right on this occasion.

MUM CLEARS THROAT

Not everyone likes reptiles, especially when they're eating.

I think Katherine would be better off in her cage for the night.

Her cage?!

It's only for one night!

EMILY SIGHS

Stan, can you turn the heating down? I think I'm going to melt, here.

I'd love to, but little Miss Fancy Pants has broken the control.

It's stuck somewhere between "inside of a volcano"

and "surface of the sun".

Please don't look at me like that, Katherine. I can't stand it.

I've almost finished my letter to the Prime Minister,

then I will start an online petition.

I won't stand for lizards being treated like second-class citizens.

-I told you to knock.

-I told you to leave home.

We don't always get what we want. Why is THAT not in its cage?

She needs to eat first, Hank. Or do you think it's fair for us to feast

while she starves alone in her prison?

Hank! Please don't touch her food.

Hank!

There. Dinner's served, Your Scaliness.

Now, get it in the cage.

No, I won't do it.

I won't see you condemned to jail when you have committed no crime.

There. I've opened it to your favourite page.

Now, pretend it's the pick-and-mix counter, and I'll be back soon.

-COMMENTATORS:

-'And you join us as this series approaches

'what promises to be a thrilling climax.'

'You're not wrong there, mate - Australia have...'

Stan, what on earth are you wearing?

HE COUGHS

I think I might be coming down with something. I feel a bit chilly.

Chilly?! It's boiling in here. Go and get changed. Immediately.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, no time - they're here.

SHE GRUNTS, HE CHUCKLES

Yes!

-Konnichiwa.

-Oh, konnichiwa.

-What a lovely headband you have on, Mr Rock.

-Thank you.

It represents my dedication to the ancient Japanese art of...

-..karate!

-Origami.

-I'm just beginning. That will not require water.

-Stan.

My gift will also not require watering.

Oh...

Did you know, cacti can survive years without water,

due to their adaptations such as spines and pleats?

That's right, Emily, and we should all admire them for their...

resilience and quiet independence.

Thank you. Um, do come in.

After you, Miss Independence.

Thank you, sir.

Anyone for...

..green tea?

I'll take a little more, please.

Oh, no, no - Hank, stop. You may scald yourself.

Ask your father to do it. Stan.

Stan!

I do apologise for the heat. We have a problem with the thermostat.

And I come armed.

-Oh, thank you!

-You're welcome.

Personally, I do not believe in perspiration.

It betrays a lack of self-discipline.

Yes!

Yes.

Yeah, quite right, Miss Adolf.

-Ta-da!

-Oh.

Perfect for a first try.

I've finished too.

Emily, you're not supposed to show up your teacher.

Let it stand for ever as a symbol of the forgotten and excluded.

YES!

Yes, well said, Emily.

-Just excuse me for a minute.

-Stanley!

Would everyone like to take their seats at the table?

Dinner is about to be served.

EXCITED COMMENTARY

YES!

COMMENTATOR: 'Have you ever known tension like it?

'Deep breaths, everyone. This one's going down to the wire.'

Mrs E, did you pickle these vegetables yourself?

-Yes, I did.

-They are delish.

-Thank you so much. It was easy.

Then...why were you crying when I came into the kitchen last night?

And you shouted one of the words on the banned list.

-OK, Emily, just... Just eat your rice balls.

-OOH!

Oh...ho! That pickled ginger really packs a punch, doesn't it?

SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY

Um, Hank, would you go into the kitchen and get the special dish?

So, Miss Adolf, I was up late last night in the kitchen,

making something that I consider to be a tribute to you.

-Oh!

-I really hope you like it.

As you're the guest of honour, Miss Adolf.

Marvellous.

-MR ROCK:

-Wow.

SHE GASPS

Oh, now, that's really raw.

-Ugh.

-Katherine!

Erm...

YESSS!

Ooh...

CLATTERING

Man down!

There are some situations there's no way back from,

but sometimes miracles CAN happen, because that's when Mum said...

Anyone for karaoke? Um...

# Oh, yeah

# I spend my days crying

# I can't take no more

# Such loneliness that I don't know what I'm living for

# But in my... #

'It turns out that everyone has something surprising about them.

'For some people, it is how their crazy brain works.

'For other people, it's how much they love karaoke.'

# Is it Mr Right?

# Waiting for the night to rescue me

# Looking for a man to set me free

# He's got to fight to win my heart

# That's what I need

# Waiting for a knight to rescue me

# He's gonna make a woman out of me

# Is it tonight? The night my knight will rescue me?

# Waiting for night The night, the night

# Waiting for the night! #

'So I got to host Yoshi, and everything turned out OK, right?'

Hi, I'm Yoshi.

I like physics, quadratic equations and herpetology, which is a...

..branch of zoology,

concerned with the study of reptiles and amphibians.

Hank, pack your things. You're moving out.

Sorry I'm late.

Don't you worry. We were just picking partners,

-and it looks like Hank needs one.

-I do?

So maybe you and me will be the perfect partners.

-HE RAPS:

-Go, dude, Zoe She's where it's at

She's going to beat that street They're phat...

Do you want me to find out if she's got a boyfriend?

What? I don't care if she... Yeah, that'd be awesome.

Just relax. Once you hit her with your poem, boom!

She's going to have Hank-shaped hearts in her eyes.

-Did Hank put you up to this?

-No, I was just doing the...survey.

How do I get this girl out of my head? I keep seeing her everywhere.

It's impossible. Once she's in your heart,

she will always be in your head.

-I'm going to ask Zoe on a date.

-That's a great idea.

That is a terrible idea.

I didn't realise you were asking her on a date!

And she can hear you!

You're going on your first date. Just be cool, and don't panic.