The First Date Dilemma Hank Zipzer


The First Date Dilemma

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Elevated heartbeat. Temperature's on the rise.

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And your sweat glands are on overdrive.

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Can you believe it? I'm going on a date.

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With an actual girl.

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It's my own fault. If I got good grades, I would never have been

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sent to that stupid study group.

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Welcome, kidlets, to the Lunchtime Learning Ladder.

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CHILDREN GROAN

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Oh, yes, I know you're all dying to be here.

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Think about the alternative -

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you could be in the cafeteria right now having a toad in the hole.

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Let me just remind you that toad might be a real one.

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So why are we here?

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We're here to improve our grades, that I can help you with.

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For your first project you need to work in pairs,

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so go ahead, find a partner.

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'Please not Vincent.

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'He pulls the wings off butterflies for breakfast.'

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Sorry I'm late!

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Don't you worry, cos we were just picking partners

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and it looks like Hank needs one.

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-I do?

-You do!

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Yeah, I do. If you like.

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All right, let's take a moment and introduce ourselves to each other.

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Hi, I'm Zoe. It means, "life" in Greek.

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My name's Hank. I have no idea what it means.

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But it rhymes with tank. And stank.

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What brings you here, Tank?

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Well, I was told there was going to be cake. You?

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I've got dyslexia, my grades suck. But I also like cake.

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'She comes straight out with the D-word.

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'Why can't I do that?'

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So maybe you and me will be the perfect partners?

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All right, Hank, be cool, just be casual.

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'Yeah, Hank, be cool, just be casual.'

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I think we're going to be...burr-illiant!

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OK, that's enough introducing right now.

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So here's the mission, I want you to find out about your partner

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and I want you to write about it.

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Being honest about the real you is the only way

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that we get to know each other.

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This sounds fun. You know where we're going to start?

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Favourite ice cream flavour?

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Nope. Embarrassing secrets.

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Wow.

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I know. Can you believe it? I've been burgled...

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-Oh, really?

-Yeah, I swear I left this place spotless this morning.

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Strange they didn't take anything from the rest of the flat.

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Erm... They must've known all the really cool stuff was in here.

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You mean like this?

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Yeah, it's a, erm...

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spy cam. High definition, voice activated, it even has night vision.

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Isn't he a bit young for girlfriends and all that stuff?

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Oh, no, I had a boyfriend at his age. Tony Hooper.

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I remember our first date. We went to the park,

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he didn't have any money so we just sat on the swings and ate hot dogs.

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Oh, and then he wrote me this poem on the back of a bus ticket.

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Oh, no, I loved it. I've still got it somewhere.

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Then it rained!

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Oh, I imagine that must have put a bit of a dampener on things.

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With Tony Hooper, are you kidding? Oh, Tony's hair in the rain,

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all dark and thick and glistening.

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Yeah...

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No, it's, it's definitely cracked.

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Yeah, yeah, OK, right, well, I'll just, I'll call a carpenter.

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Hi, Hank, how are you, eh, we're just, uh...going.

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I think I'm going to write mine as a song.

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# If you should meet a boy called Hank

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# He'll tell you that he rhymes with tank

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# His room's a mess, don't go in there

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# Or you might just find his teddy bear. #

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What do you think?

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Think you need to find something that rhymes with spy cam.

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Oh, slow down, you'll wear a hole in it.

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What's got into you?

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You're not worried about Hank getting a girlfriend, are you?

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Oh, no. Good luck to him.

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Who knows, he night even manage to hold on to his first true love.

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Oh, yeah, well, who knows? Oh, it's just so lovely seeing him

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feel all that excitement and the butterflies and the stolen glances...

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-Thick hair glistening in the moonlight...

-And the...

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Hang on. Is this about Tony Hooper?

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Oh, good old glisteny-haired Tony...

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Stan, you're jealous! That was a lifetime ago.

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Yet you can still fondly remember exactly what you did

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on your first date. Do you even remember ours?

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Yeah, of course I do.

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No, you don't, you're just saying that.

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I remember it like it was yesterday.

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The...laughing and the...

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atmosphere, the music?

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And the hair all... so glossy, all that hair gel.

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I never used hair gel.

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Greasy was very in back then.

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I tell you what.

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Let's do it all over again then?

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I would love that.

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OK. This Friday. You can make all the arrangements.

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Sure, no problem.

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If Zoe's going to write a song

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then I need to come up with something cool.

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How about I do a rap?

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# Yo, yo, yo, hear me y'all

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# Stop your shoppin' in the mall

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# A girl called Zoe, she's where it's at

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# She's droppin' beats that are street, that are phat

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# Brrrap! #

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OK, I won't do a rap.

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How about I do a poem?

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Poems are short.

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I think she'd like a poem.

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Do you want me to find out if she's got a boyfriend?

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What? I don't care if she... Yeah, that would be awesome.

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Think, Pop, you've got to try and remember.

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How would I know where you went on your first date with Stan?

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-I wasn't there.

-Oh, not for lack of trying.

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I remember when you "just happened" to be passing the bowling alley

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-that time?

-I was just monitoring from a distance.

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You ended up having a grudge match with the boy

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and I had to wait in the cafe!

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Ah, I just liked to get the measure of these boys.

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-See if they cracked under pressure.

-You made most of them cry.

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So did you.

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I remember! Stan took you to the park on your first date.

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No, Dad, that was Tony Hooper.

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Oh, Tony! Lovely boy.

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That hair.

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See you later.

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# In races he can't quicken

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# Cos Hank dresses as a chicken... #

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Was that your boyfriend?

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Why? Do you like him? I can hook you up if you want?

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Erm, thanks but I'm, er... interested in someone else.

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-Let me guess. It's Hank.

-What? No!

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Yeah, like Ashley and any boy - no way.

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-What's that supposed to mean?

-You're not a girl-girl.

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-You're one of the guys.

-Well, thanks.

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So, how about you, Zoe?

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Doesn't your boyfriend come to hear you play?

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Well, I... Wait a sec.

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Why are you so interested in my boyfriend?

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Did Hank put you up to this?

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What...what?

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Uh, no, I was just doing the survey...

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Well, you can tell Hank, no, I don't have a boyfriend.

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Well, thanks for blowing my cover.

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Just relax. Once you hit her with your poem - boom!

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She's going to have Hank-shaped hearts in her eyes.

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-Have you finished it yet?

-Yeah. Check out this masterpiece.

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Zoe, a girl with hair.

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Is that it?

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I like it. Is it one of those erm...Japanese harkem poems?

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You mean haiku, and no, it's not.

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They're the ultimate poem, only 17 syllables long

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but intensely moving and emotional.

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Which 'Zoe. A girl. With hair' isn't.

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No.

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All you have to do is ask your dad a few questions about our first date,

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-it's no biggie.

-I'm not spying for you, Mum.

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It's not spying. It's...

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SHE SIGHS

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OK, it's spying, but it's all for a good cause.

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I want a Guyana pinktoe tarantula.

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You're blackmailing me?

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It's not blackmail, it's...it's...

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OK. It's blackmail.

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But it's all for a good cause.

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So, I hear you and Mum are going on your first date again.

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Well, we would be if she could remember it.

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I don't know what you mean.

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Yes!

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She's really excited about it.

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She's particularly looking forward to the first bit.

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You know when you went to the...

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The...?

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What is she giving you to find out the details?

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I'm getting a Guyana pinktoe tarantula.

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Unbelievable.

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OK, so here's what I want you to tell her about the first date.

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Do you know what's better than one tarantula? A pair of tarantulas.

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You get this cunning streak off your mother.

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'Come on, Hank, you can do this.

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'Just 17 silly-silla... S-syllables.

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'Now think - intensely moving and emotional.'

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Zoe.

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A girl...

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..or is she?

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So, 5cm by 4cm by 3...

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'I can't eat, I can't sleep.

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'All I can think about is Zoe.

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'I keep seeing her everywhere.'

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Who is Zoe Hartley?

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Unless she's a sister of Pythagoras, which I very much doubt,

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she should be excised from your work immediately.

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How do I get this girl out of my head?

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It's impossible.

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Once she's in your heart, she will always be in your head.

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There must be something I can do. What about hypnosis?

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An injection?

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Love should not be fought like a battle.

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It should be embraced like a dance.

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This isn't love. It's...

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I don't know what this is.

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If it looks like chorizo, smells like chorizo

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and tastes like chorizo...

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..it's chorizo.

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We went to a football match on our first date? But I hate football.

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He said you stood behind the goal. He taught you all the chants.

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I don't remember ever going to see a football match with your dad.

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He remembers every minute.

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-Oh.

-Plus injury time.

-OK.

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Oh, it's going to cost me an arm and a leg to get tickets for tonight.

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Well, then just tell him you forgot your first date.

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Or... I could sell an arm...

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-I'm going to ask Zoe on a date.

-That's a great idea.

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That is a terrible idea. No-one asks anyone on dates any more.

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Old school. The thing to do now is wait until you're chatting online

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-and casually suggest a meet-up.

-A meet-up?

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It's a code for a date without actually calling it a date.

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Takes all the pressure off.

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That's stupid, why mess about? Just ask her out.

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-Girls like the direct approach.

-And what do you know about girls?

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Hello?

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At some point in the meet-up, you have to try the move.

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Something that shows you want to be more than just friends.

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You mean he has to kiss her.

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Whoa! Are you crazy?! That is way too full-on.

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This is my move. Come on, let's pretend we're on a meet-up.

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Can't you demonstrate with Ashley?

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You're OK. You two make a lovely couple.

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I go in for the hug...

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..but then I lean back and leave my arm around her.

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I smile at her and if she smiles back, I go in for the kiss.

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If the signals are not right, I just pass it off as an extended hug.

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That is genius.

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That's pathetic.

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That works.

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FOOTBALL CROWD CHEERS ON TV

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Who needs the telly when you can watch the real thing?

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Two tickets to Chelsea and Arsenal for tonight. See?

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I told you I remembered.

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Oh, and they're behind the goal, just like on our first date.

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Oh, yeah, I have fond memories of singing on the verandas...

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Terraces.

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Terraces and that 80 minutes of...

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90 minutes.

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90-minute walk down memory lane! Come on, you blues!

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Reds.

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Yep.

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I can't wait.

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The song's nearly finished.

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I just can't find anything that rhymes with Zipzer.

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I think you'll find 'he's awesome', is pretty close.

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Thanks, that's a big help.

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What are you doing for Learning Ladder?

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I'm writing a...a high-cow?

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What's that?

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It's a poem with only, er, 17 silly. Silly, sillyas...

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-Syllables?

-Yeah, that's it. It's Japanese.

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I don't think you have to write it in Japanese.

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Well, I hope not.

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Sounds tricky. How's it going?

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I think I've pretty much got it sorted.

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Zoe, dinner!

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That's my tea. I better go.

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Hey Zoe...

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HIS HEART THUDS

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I was thinking we could meet-up later?

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Meet-up?

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-FOOTSTEPS

-Mum, I'm...

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Ohhh! Hi, Zoe!

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Hi, Mrs Zipzer.

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Don't mind me, I'm just putting the washing away.

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So where do you want to meet up?

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I was thinking we could go see a movie?

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I'm really sorry. I didn't realise you were asking her on a date.

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And she can hear you!

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And I can see your pants. Are those superheroes on them?

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Isn't your dinner getting cold?

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-Movie sounds good, I'll see you then.

-Really?

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Just don't wear your underpants on the outside.

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-Bye.

-Bye.

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If you're going on a first date, er, I suggest you write notes

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because you might need them 15 years from now.

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It's not a date. It's a meet-up.

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All I'm saying is...take a pencil.

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You're going on your first date. Just be cool and don't panic.

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Is it too late to cancel?

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Don't worry. Everyone gets scared the first time.

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Why don't we come with you? Help calm your nerves.

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You want to come on my date with me?

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We'll sit at the back. You won't even know we're there.

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No way! I'm fine. I can do this on my own.

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Can anyone lend me any money?

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-So you didn't go to the football for your first date?

-No.

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So what did you do?

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I don't remember either!

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-You tricked her?

-Well, I prefer to say misled.

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Well, pay back and footy - what a combo.

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-But she hates football.

-That's right. That's three things!

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That's a hat trick!

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A pub quiz! You took her to a pub quiz on your first date.

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She said you did a lap of honour when you won.

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How could I forget?

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Forget what, Pop?

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Eh, our first date at the football. Thanks for baby-sitting, Pete.

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Stan, love should not be fought like a battle.

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It should be embraced like a dance.

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Yeah. Haven't got a clue what that means.

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-HE MOUTHS:

-Thank you.

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Here we go, here we go, here we go!

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'Don't even think about it. Just keep watching the movie.

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'But if I don't make a move,

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'we'll end up being nothing more than friends.

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'But what if I make a move and she laughs in my face?

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'Then we won't even be friends.'

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We shouldn't be doing this.

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We're just two people watching a movie.

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In fake glasses.

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-But he told us not to come.

-We're watching his back.

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Literally.

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'OK, here we go. I'm making my move.

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'Remember to keep it casual, don't be too obvious.'

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-Hey, you've got chewing gum stuck to the back of your chair.

-Where?

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Oh, don't worry, I'll get it.

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Did you see that? What a great move.

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I feel like that old dude in the Karate Kid.

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Have you got it?

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Oh, nearly.

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'Now just move your hand onto her shoulder.

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'Slowly does it.

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'Oh, no. What's happened?'

0:18:200:18:22

-How's it going with that chewing gum?

-Erm...

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-Ow!

-Oh, I'm sorry, your hair's stuck in my sleeve.

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-Get it out.

-I'm sorry. I'm trying.

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Houston, we have a problem.

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LIQUID POURS

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Ah! That's cold.

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-I'm sorry, just...

-Get off me!

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Just give me a minute.

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Hold still, I'll cut you free.

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Oh, thanks. Ashley, is that you?

0:18:390:18:41

Here. Use this to mop it up.

0:18:410:18:42

Guys, what are you doing here?

0:18:420:18:45

Ow!

0:18:450:18:46

Got it.

0:18:460:18:48

-My hair!

-I'm so sorry!

0:18:480:18:51

Oh, you and your weird friends! Just leave me alone.

0:18:510:18:54

OK, so maybe the move isn't entirely foolproof.

0:19:010:19:06

Ahh.

0:19:170:19:18

Did you have a good time?

0:19:200:19:21

Oh, yeah. Brought back all those happy memories of our first date.

0:19:210:19:25

The singing, the shouting,

0:19:250:19:27

those men running round that court after that little ball.

0:19:270:19:30

Are you going to tell her or shall I?

0:19:300:19:33

Tell me what?

0:19:330:19:34

I know that you can't remember what we did on our first date.

0:19:370:19:40

-What?! I can!

-I, I...

0:19:400:19:42

I can't remember what we did on our first date, either.

0:19:430:19:47

We, we didn't go to football?

0:19:470:19:50

No.

0:19:500:19:52

And yet I have just been to football...

0:19:520:19:55

Now, Rosa...

0:19:550:19:56

To football, where I ate a disgusting pie

0:19:560:20:00

and the man behind me spat on my neck every time he cheered.

0:20:000:20:03

I just did that to get back at you for going on about your first date

0:20:030:20:06

-with Tony Hooper.

-Well, at least he didn't take me to football!

0:20:060:20:08

You wouldn't be able to see anything anyway

0:20:080:20:10

with his massive hair in the way.

0:20:100:20:11

-More ammo!

-Thank you, Pop.

0:20:110:20:13

What happened to love should not be fought like a battle?

0:20:130:20:15

I made it up.

0:20:150:20:17

OK, OK, I'm sorry.

0:20:170:20:19

I was jealous, I admit it.

0:20:190:20:22

I just couldn't stand you thinking he could ever have loved you

0:20:220:20:24

as much as I do!

0:20:240:20:25

Nice save, Stanley Zipzer.

0:20:280:20:31

You haven't got a fever. There's nothing wrong with you.

0:20:360:20:39

You're going to school.

0:20:390:20:40

Maybe it's one of those cold fevers. I've heard they can be deadly.

0:20:400:20:43

Look...

0:20:430:20:45

You can't avoid Zoe forever.

0:20:450:20:47

Don't make me do my presentation today.

0:20:470:20:50

It'll be too embarrassing.

0:20:500:20:51

Maybe you could read her that poem that you wrote about her.

0:20:510:20:54

-That would break the ice.

-It's totally lame, I've got nothing.

0:20:540:20:56

Look, you made a mistake on a date. That happens.

0:20:560:21:00

Trust me. You'll get it wrong more times than you'll get it right.

0:21:000:21:04

Thanks. That makes me feel so much better.

0:21:040:21:06

OK, look, if you hurry you can catch up with Frankie and Ashley.

0:21:060:21:09

Knowing those two, they're probably hiding under the bed.

0:21:090:21:12

"Zoe. The girl whose smile can make your heart melt

0:21:220:21:27

"like a slushie in your lap."

0:21:270:21:29

Well, finally, the man of the hour. Get in here.

0:21:390:21:43

You almost missed Zoe's song all about you.

0:21:430:21:46

Maybe that's a good thing. I wouldn't want to make her nervous.

0:21:470:21:50

Maybe I could just sit outside and practise my spelling.

0:21:500:21:54

I'm desperate, OK?

0:21:540:21:55

Yeah, but I'm sure that Zoe wants you to hear it, am I right?

0:21:550:21:59

Oh, yeah, definitely.

0:21:590:22:01

Hank, you're going to go next. Sit down.

0:22:010:22:04

Oh, this just gets better and better.

0:22:040:22:06

Ladies and gentlemen - Zoe.

0:22:060:22:08

# Let me tell you about a boy called Hank

0:22:170:22:20

# He thinks he's cool but he's a bit of a plank

0:22:200:22:24

# His room's a mess, he can't spell for toffee

0:22:240:22:28

# He likes eating cakes and his favourite's banoffee

0:22:280:22:32

# If he asks to meet, you'd better say no

0:22:320:22:36

# Or he'll drench you in drink and shave your hair like so

0:22:360:22:39

CHILDREN GASP

0:22:410:22:43

# But that's what I like about this crazy dude

0:22:440:22:48

# You'll never be bored when you're covered in food

0:22:490:22:54

# He makes you laugh

0:22:540:22:57

# He's quite the quipster

0:22:570:23:00

# I've got a new friend and his name is Zipzer. #

0:23:000:23:05

Why did you let me off the hook?

0:23:160:23:18

Thanks for not pouring your drink over me.

0:23:350:23:37

The date's not over yet.

0:23:370:23:39

This is a date? I thought you only did meet-ups?

0:23:390:23:41

-Can we go somewhere else next time?

-What's wrong with this place?

0:23:440:23:47

It's not the place. It's the people in it.

0:23:470:23:49

Sorry I forgot our first date.

0:23:520:23:53

Mmm. I'm sorry I keep treading on your toes.

0:23:530:23:57

I don't mind. I'm just happy we're dancing.

0:23:570:24:01

That's not a dance, it's a battle.

0:24:010:24:03

'When it comes to girls, I'm on the Learning Ladder,

0:24:050:24:08

'taking it one rung at a time and trying not to fall off.

0:24:080:24:12

'Wish me luck.'

0:24:120:24:14

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