The First Date Dilemma Hank Zipzer

Elevated heartbeat. Temperature's on the rise.

And your sweat glands are on overdrive.

Can you believe it? I'm going on a date.

With an actual girl.

It's my own fault. If I got good grades, I would never have been

sent to that stupid study group.

Welcome, kidlets, to the Lunchtime Learning Ladder.

CHILDREN GROAN

Oh, yes, I know you're all dying to be here.

Think about the alternative -

you could be in the cafeteria right now having a toad in the hole.

Let me just remind you that toad might be a real one.

So why are we here?

We're here to improve our grades, that I can help you with.

For your first project you need to work in pairs,

so go ahead, find a partner.

'Please not Vincent.

'He pulls the wings off butterflies for breakfast.'

Sorry I'm late!

Don't you worry, cos we were just picking partners

and it looks like Hank needs one.

-I do?

-You do!

Yeah, I do. If you like.

All right, let's take a moment and introduce ourselves to each other.

Hi, I'm Zoe. It means, "life" in Greek.

My name's Hank. I have no idea what it means.

But it rhymes with tank. And stank.

What brings you here, Tank?

Well, I was told there was going to be cake. You?

I've got dyslexia, my grades suck. But I also like cake.

'She comes straight out with the D-word.

'Why can't I do that?'

So maybe you and me will be the perfect partners?

All right, Hank, be cool, just be casual.

'Yeah, Hank, be cool, just be casual.'

I think we're going to be...burr-illiant!

OK, that's enough introducing right now.

So here's the mission, I want you to find out about your partner

and I want you to write about it.

Being honest about the real you is the only way

that we get to know each other.

This sounds fun. You know where we're going to start?

Favourite ice cream flavour?

Nope. Embarrassing secrets.

Wow.

I know. Can you believe it? I've been burgled...

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, I swear I left this place spotless this morning.

Strange they didn't take anything from the rest of the flat.

Erm... They must've known all the really cool stuff was in here.

You mean like this?

Yeah, it's a, erm...

spy cam. High definition, voice activated, it even has night vision.

Isn't he a bit young for girlfriends and all that stuff?

Oh, no, I had a boyfriend at his age. Tony Hooper.

I remember our first date. We went to the park,

he didn't have any money so we just sat on the swings and ate hot dogs.

Oh, and then he wrote me this poem on the back of a bus ticket.

Oh, no, I loved it. I've still got it somewhere.

Then it rained!

Oh, I imagine that must have put a bit of a dampener on things.

With Tony Hooper, are you kidding? Oh, Tony's hair in the rain,

all dark and thick and glistening.

Yeah...

No, it's, it's definitely cracked.

Yeah, yeah, OK, right, well, I'll just, I'll call a carpenter.

Hi, Hank, how are you, eh, we're just, uh...going.

I think I'm going to write mine as a song.

# If you should meet a boy called Hank

# He'll tell you that he rhymes with tank

# His room's a mess, don't go in there

# Or you might just find his teddy bear. #

What do you think?

Think you need to find something that rhymes with spy cam.

Oh, slow down, you'll wear a hole in it.

What's got into you?

You're not worried about Hank getting a girlfriend, are you?

Oh, no. Good luck to him.

Who knows, he night even manage to hold on to his first true love.

Oh, yeah, well, who knows? Oh, it's just so lovely seeing him

feel all that excitement and the butterflies and the stolen glances...

-Thick hair glistening in the moonlight...

-And the...

Hang on. Is this about Tony Hooper?

Oh, good old glisteny-haired Tony...

Stan, you're jealous! That was a lifetime ago.

Yet you can still fondly remember exactly what you did

on your first date. Do you even remember ours?

Yeah, of course I do.

No, you don't, you're just saying that.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

The...laughing and the...

atmosphere, the music?

And the hair all... so glossy, all that hair gel.

I never used hair gel.

Greasy was very in back then.

I tell you what.

Let's do it all over again then?

I would love that.

OK. This Friday. You can make all the arrangements.

Sure, no problem.

If Zoe's going to write a song

then I need to come up with something cool.

How about I do a rap?

# Yo, yo, yo, hear me y'all

# Stop your shoppin' in the mall

# A girl called Zoe, she's where it's at

# She's droppin' beats that are street, that are phat

# Brrrap! #

OK, I won't do a rap.

How about I do a poem?

Poems are short.

I think she'd like a poem.

Do you want me to find out if she's got a boyfriend?

What? I don't care if she... Yeah, that would be awesome.

Think, Pop, you've got to try and remember.

How would I know where you went on your first date with Stan?

-I wasn't there.

-Oh, not for lack of trying.

I remember when you "just happened" to be passing the bowling alley

-that time?

-I was just monitoring from a distance.

You ended up having a grudge match with the boy

and I had to wait in the cafe!

Ah, I just liked to get the measure of these boys.

-See if they cracked under pressure.

-You made most of them cry.

So did you.

I remember! Stan took you to the park on your first date.

No, Dad, that was Tony Hooper.

Oh, Tony! Lovely boy.

That hair.

See you later.

# In races he can't quicken

# Cos Hank dresses as a chicken... #

Was that your boyfriend?

Why? Do you like him? I can hook you up if you want?

Erm, thanks but I'm, er... interested in someone else.

-Let me guess. It's Hank.

-What? No!

Yeah, like Ashley and any boy - no way.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-You're not a girl-girl.

-You're one of the guys.

-Well, thanks.

So, how about you, Zoe?

Doesn't your boyfriend come to hear you play?

Well, I... Wait a sec.

Why are you so interested in my boyfriend?

Did Hank put you up to this?

What...what?

Uh, no, I was just doing the survey...

Well, you can tell Hank, no, I don't have a boyfriend.

Well, thanks for blowing my cover.

Just relax. Once you hit her with your poem - boom!

She's going to have Hank-shaped hearts in her eyes.

-Have you finished it yet?

-Yeah. Check out this masterpiece.

Zoe, a girl with hair.

Is that it?

I like it. Is it one of those erm...Japanese harkem poems?

You mean haiku, and no, it's not.

They're the ultimate poem, only 17 syllables long

but intensely moving and emotional.

Which 'Zoe. A girl. With hair' isn't.

No.

All you have to do is ask your dad a few questions about our first date,

-it's no biggie.

-I'm not spying for you, Mum.

It's not spying. It's...

SHE SIGHS

OK, it's spying, but it's all for a good cause.

I want a Guyana pinktoe tarantula.

You're blackmailing me?

It's not blackmail, it's...it's...

OK. It's blackmail.

But it's all for a good cause.

So, I hear you and Mum are going on your first date again.

Well, we would be if she could remember it.

I don't know what you mean.

Yes!

She's really excited about it.

She's particularly looking forward to the first bit.

You know when you went to the...

The...?

What is she giving you to find out the details?

I'm getting a Guyana pinktoe tarantula.

Unbelievable.

OK, so here's what I want you to tell her about the first date.

Do you know what's better than one tarantula? A pair of tarantulas.

You get this cunning streak off your mother.

'Come on, Hank, you can do this.

'Just 17 silly-silla... S-syllables.

'Now think - intensely moving and emotional.'

Zoe.

A girl...

..or is she?

So, 5cm by 4cm by 3...

'I can't eat, I can't sleep.

'All I can think about is Zoe.

'I keep seeing her everywhere.'

Who is Zoe Hartley?

Unless she's a sister of Pythagoras, which I very much doubt,

she should be excised from your work immediately.

How do I get this girl out of my head?

It's impossible.

Once she's in your heart, she will always be in your head.

There must be something I can do. What about hypnosis?

An injection?

Love should not be fought like a battle.

It should be embraced like a dance.

This isn't love. It's...

I don't know what this is.

If it looks like chorizo, smells like chorizo

and tastes like chorizo...

..it's chorizo.

We went to a football match on our first date? But I hate football.

He said you stood behind the goal. He taught you all the chants.

I don't remember ever going to see a football match with your dad.

He remembers every minute.

-Oh.

-Plus injury time.

-OK.

Oh, it's going to cost me an arm and a leg to get tickets for tonight.

Well, then just tell him you forgot your first date.

Or... I could sell an arm...

-I'm going to ask Zoe on a date.

-That's a great idea.

That is a terrible idea. No-one asks anyone on dates any more.

Old school. The thing to do now is wait until you're chatting online

-and casually suggest a meet-up.

-A meet-up?

It's a code for a date without actually calling it a date.

Takes all the pressure off.

That's stupid, why mess about? Just ask her out.

-Girls like the direct approach.

-And what do you know about girls?

Hello?

At some point in the meet-up, you have to try the move.

Something that shows you want to be more than just friends.

You mean he has to kiss her.

Whoa! Are you crazy?! That is way too full-on.

This is my move. Come on, let's pretend we're on a meet-up.

Can't you demonstrate with Ashley?

You're OK. You two make a lovely couple.

I go in for the hug...

..but then I lean back and leave my arm around her.

I smile at her and if she smiles back, I go in for the kiss.

If the signals are not right, I just pass it off as an extended hug.

That is genius.

That's pathetic.

That works.

FOOTBALL CROWD CHEERS ON TV

Who needs the telly when you can watch the real thing?

Two tickets to Chelsea and Arsenal for tonight. See?

I told you I remembered.

Oh, and they're behind the goal, just like on our first date.

Oh, yeah, I have fond memories of singing on the verandas...

Terraces.

Terraces and that 80 minutes of...

90 minutes.

90-minute walk down memory lane! Come on, you blues!

Reds.

Yep.

I can't wait.

The song's nearly finished.

I just can't find anything that rhymes with Zipzer.

I think you'll find 'he's awesome', is pretty close.

Thanks, that's a big help.

What are you doing for Learning Ladder?

I'm writing a...a high-cow?

What's that?

It's a poem with only, er, 17 silly. Silly, sillyas...

-Syllables?

-Yeah, that's it. It's Japanese.

I don't think you have to write it in Japanese.

Well, I hope not.

Sounds tricky. How's it going?

I think I've pretty much got it sorted.

Zoe, dinner!

That's my tea. I better go.

Hey Zoe...

HIS HEART THUDS

I was thinking we could meet-up later?

Meet-up?

-FOOTSTEPS

-Mum, I'm...

Ohhh! Hi, Zoe!

Hi, Mrs Zipzer.

Don't mind me, I'm just putting the washing away.

So where do you want to meet up?

I was thinking we could go see a movie?

I'm really sorry. I didn't realise you were asking her on a date.

And she can hear you!

And I can see your pants. Are those superheroes on them?

Isn't your dinner getting cold?

-Movie sounds good, I'll see you then.

-Really?

Just don't wear your underpants on the outside.

-Bye.

-Bye.

If you're going on a first date, er, I suggest you write notes

because you might need them 15 years from now.

It's not a date. It's a meet-up.

All I'm saying is...take a pencil.

You're going on your first date. Just be cool and don't panic.

Is it too late to cancel?

Don't worry. Everyone gets scared the first time.

Why don't we come with you? Help calm your nerves.

You want to come on my date with me?

We'll sit at the back. You won't even know we're there.

No way! I'm fine. I can do this on my own.

Can anyone lend me any money?

-So you didn't go to the football for your first date?

-No.

So what did you do?

I don't remember either!

-You tricked her?

-Well, I prefer to say misled.

Well, pay back and footy - what a combo.

-But she hates football.

-That's right. That's three things!

That's a hat trick!

A pub quiz! You took her to a pub quiz on your first date.

She said you did a lap of honour when you won.

How could I forget?

Forget what, Pop?

Eh, our first date at the football. Thanks for baby-sitting, Pete.

Stan, love should not be fought like a battle.

It should be embraced like a dance.

Yeah. Haven't got a clue what that means.

-HE MOUTHS:

-Thank you.

Here we go, here we go, here we go!

'Don't even think about it. Just keep watching the movie.

'But if I don't make a move,

'we'll end up being nothing more than friends.

'But what if I make a move and she laughs in my face?

'Then we won't even be friends.'

We shouldn't be doing this.

We're just two people watching a movie.

In fake glasses.

-But he told us not to come.

-We're watching his back.

Literally.

'OK, here we go. I'm making my move.

'Remember to keep it casual, don't be too obvious.'

-Hey, you've got chewing gum stuck to the back of your chair.

-Where?

Oh, don't worry, I'll get it.

Did you see that? What a great move.

I feel like that old dude in the Karate Kid.

Have you got it?

Oh, nearly.

'Now just move your hand onto her shoulder.

'Slowly does it.

'Oh, no. What's happened?'

-How's it going with that chewing gum?

-Erm...

-Ow!

-Oh, I'm sorry, your hair's stuck in my sleeve.

-Get it out.

-I'm sorry. I'm trying.

Houston, we have a problem.

LIQUID POURS

Ah! That's cold.

-I'm sorry, just...

-Get off me!

Just give me a minute.

Hold still, I'll cut you free.

Oh, thanks. Ashley, is that you?

Here. Use this to mop it up.

Guys, what are you doing here?

Ow!

Got it.

-My hair!

-I'm so sorry!

Oh, you and your weird friends! Just leave me alone.

OK, so maybe the move isn't entirely foolproof.

Ahh.

Did you have a good time?

Oh, yeah. Brought back all those happy memories of our first date.

The singing, the shouting,

those men running round that court after that little ball.

Are you going to tell her or shall I?

Tell me what?

I know that you can't remember what we did on our first date.

-What?! I can!

-I, I...

I can't remember what we did on our first date, either.

We, we didn't go to football?

No.

And yet I have just been to football...

Now, Rosa...

To football, where I ate a disgusting pie

and the man behind me spat on my neck every time he cheered.

I just did that to get back at you for going on about your first date

-with Tony Hooper.

-Well, at least he didn't take me to football!

You wouldn't be able to see anything anyway

with his massive hair in the way.

-More ammo!

-Thank you, Pop.

What happened to love should not be fought like a battle?

I made it up.

OK, OK, I'm sorry.

I was jealous, I admit it.

I just couldn't stand you thinking he could ever have loved you

as much as I do!

Nice save, Stanley Zipzer.

You haven't got a fever. There's nothing wrong with you.

You're going to school.

Maybe it's one of those cold fevers. I've heard they can be deadly.

Look...

You can't avoid Zoe forever.

Don't make me do my presentation today.

It'll be too embarrassing.

Maybe you could read her that poem that you wrote about her.

-That would break the ice.

-It's totally lame, I've got nothing.

Look, you made a mistake on a date. That happens.

Trust me. You'll get it wrong more times than you'll get it right.

Thanks. That makes me feel so much better.

OK, look, if you hurry you can catch up with Frankie and Ashley.

Knowing those two, they're probably hiding under the bed.

"Zoe. The girl whose smile can make your heart melt

"like a slushie in your lap."

Well, finally, the man of the hour. Get in here.

You almost missed Zoe's song all about you.

Maybe that's a good thing. I wouldn't want to make her nervous.

Maybe I could just sit outside and practise my spelling.

I'm desperate, OK?

Yeah, but I'm sure that Zoe wants you to hear it, am I right?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Hank, you're going to go next. Sit down.

Oh, this just gets better and better.

Ladies and gentlemen - Zoe.

# Let me tell you about a boy called Hank

# He thinks he's cool but he's a bit of a plank

# His room's a mess, he can't spell for toffee

# He likes eating cakes and his favourite's banoffee

# If he asks to meet, you'd better say no

# Or he'll drench you in drink and shave your hair like so

CHILDREN GASP

# But that's what I like about this crazy dude

# You'll never be bored when you're covered in food

# He makes you laugh

# He's quite the quipster

# I've got a new friend and his name is Zipzer. #

Why did you let me off the hook?

Thanks for not pouring your drink over me.

The date's not over yet.

This is a date? I thought you only did meet-ups?

-Can we go somewhere else next time?

-What's wrong with this place?

It's not the place. It's the people in it.

Sorry I forgot our first date.

Mmm. I'm sorry I keep treading on your toes.

I don't mind. I'm just happy we're dancing.

That's not a dance, it's a battle.

'When it comes to girls, I'm on the Learning Ladder,

'taking it one rung at a time and trying not to fall off.

'Wish me luck.'