Camera Calamity Hank Zipzer

Trust me,

this is not the look I was planning for school photo day.

CAMERA FLASHES

'But then my school photos NEVER go right.

'No matter how hard I try,

'they end up looking like I've just seen Ms Adolf dancing.'

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

'And that stupid photo gets put on display for the whole world to see.'

HE LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

HE GROWLS, LAUGHS

Every year, a new photo is added to the Wall of Shame.

They may as well just put a massive arrow over my head saying, "Loser."

Yeah, I fell for McKelty's "Your flies are undone," trick.

I know it looks like I'm picking my nose,

but I was scratching an itch, honest!

And, of course, Emily's are always perfect, just like her.

So this year, I'm going to make sure my school photo looks awesome!

WOW! Who is this boy?

I have no idea. He must have broken in during the night.

He looks a more hygienic version of Hank.

We should keep him.

Oh, I'd love to stay here

and listen to all of your HILARIOUS comments, Emily,

but there's no time.

Because today's the day that Hank Zipzer

is finally going to get something right.

We won't hold our breath.

Hey, hey, hey, what about your breakfast?

Oh, can't risk it, too messy.

SPLAT!

HE EXHALES

I've been shortlisted for a summer course

at the Institute for Scientific Excellence?!

-Final interview is today!

-Hey, good work, kiddo!

Brilliant! Wow!

OK, quickfire science question for you!

Erm, what does H2O stand for?

The covalent bond between oxygen and hydrogen.

OK, I'll give you a clue,

erm, it comes out of taps.

-LIFT:

-Going down.

How do I look?

Weird. What have you done to your hair?

-It looks like it's been ironed.

-Why didn't I think of that?

I slept in my bike helmet instead.

-Yeah, that's normal(!)

-I just want this photo to be perfect.

Then we should probably take it before you leave the building.

It's OK, we're up after first lesson.

Even I can stay clean for that long.

Erm, you do know what lesson we have first, don't you?

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I WISH this was maths.

It says here that parents

are supposed to go to this science thingy interview, as well.

Oh, yeah, I wouldn't worry about that, she said it was optional.

She said she'd prefer to go alone.

Is this because I had that discussion with Mr Love

-at the parent's evening?

-"Discussion"?

Debate?

OK. Fine, argument.

But that minestrone recipe that that school cook was using was wrong.

I know, I heard you.

Everyone in London heard you.

It's not right, we should be there.

Anyway, I'm going to the deli, I'll see you later.

See you later, love.

It's me.

She's gone to work. Listen, if she finds out I'm lying,

I am for the high jump.

Just be here at 11.

Alone.

You, fasten that button. Straighten that tie, as well.

You're going to need to squeeze your spot, I'm afraid, Peter.

Erm, right! I want to see big, happy smiles on these photos please.

Smiles that say, "I love Westbrook Academy!

"It's the greatest school in the world."

Now, we've got a lot of faces to get through,

so let's really keep the line moving, OK? Observe.

CAMERA CLICKS

Actually, I think you didn't get my best side.

Try it again like this.

Is my chin too high on that, maybe?

I blinked. I think I blinked. Sorry, my fault. Do it again.

I feel like I should be holding something.

-CAMERA CLICKS

-No, I should be holding something.

No wonder your art teacher's taken to her bed -

I've seen more artistic flair

from an elephant with a brush in its trunk.

You have three seconds to explain.

Oh - I'm trying to stay clean

so I'll look good for my school photo, Miss.

Ah, the vanity!

If only you showed as much dedication to your schoolwork

as you do to your looks - take it off immediately.

Hey, Zitzer!

'Classic McKelty move.

'Luckily, I have the best friends in the world.'

SPLAT! SPLAT!

Hank, look out!

GUNSHOT AND SPLAT

GUNSHOT AND SPLAT

GUNSHOT AND SPLAT

GUNSHOT AND SPLAT

EAGLE SCREECHES

WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC

Henry...

Henry!

But it was McKelty!

Payback time!

It's not too late, let me call her and say you've changed your mind.

I haven't changed my mind.

Think how you'd feel if your daughter didn't want you around.

I don't have to think about it.

-I don't have a daughter.

-Yeah. OK, smarty-pants,

how would you feel if Katherine didn't want you around?

Dad, she's a lizard, she has limited emotional responses.

Hmm, I can see how you two get on so well.

Ah, Emily, good luck in the interview.

Mrs Zipzer not joining you, is she?

No, she wanted to, but she's tied up with work.

Oh. Probably for the best.

-Yeah.

-See?

Yeah, OK, but remember - I was never here.

OK, well, without further ado, I would like to introduce you to

Dr Meera Mehat to tell you all about the summer learning scheme

at the Institute for Scientific Excellence.

Thank you, Mr Love.

Good morning, everyone.

Science is a wonderful thing.

And we at the Institute for Scientific Excellence

recognise that more than most.

Relax, man, that frown's going to break the lens.

-Are you sure there's no paint on me?

-You look perfect.

Too perfect. Let me just mess your hair up a little.

Whoa, Ash, you never, ever touch a man's hair without permission.

Thanks, Frankie.

OK, you're up next, after Prince William.

HANK SIGHS

TENSE MUSIC

Noooo!

Nice try, Zipzer, but it looks like the joke's on you.

CAMERA FLASHES

Right, come along, move along, we've got to wrap this up by three.

Move! Get out, move, quick!

All right...

Like that? Like that?

I dunno, maybe the skull's not right. It's too melancholy, maybe?

I dunno...

Cos I want something that says, you know, power and status.

Really gets across that sense of a great leader at work.

But maybe...

HE SIGHS

Dude, relax - it's only a photo.

You don't get it, do you? I look like a total loser, again!

-You don't look like a loser, you look...

-Purple.

Which is a GREAT colour for you.

Exactly, it really makes your eyes pop.

Did I just say that?

We're not helping, are we?

I just wanted to do something right for once.

Cheer up, at least it's all over for another year.

Wow, you cheer up fast.

-No, look! Lost Property.

-What, you lost your keys, AGAIN?

No, I'll find myself another uniform, get back in line

and have my photos taken again!

Thanks for coming.

And do send me that article on cold fusion, Molly, it sounds fascinating.

I knew about cold fusion in nursery school.

James Smith?

Just try to relax.

You don't want to choke when you get to the crease.

Great(!) Sporting analogies. That's all we need.

All I'm saying is that if you get too uptight,

-you'll be out for a duck.

-It's like you don't even know you're doing it.

I'm just trying to prep you for the big game, that's all.

If anyone needs prepping, it's you.

No, trust me, there's nothing she can throw at me I can't handle.

"So tell me, Mr Zipzer, what is your most favourite thing

"about the Institute for Scientific Excellence?"

You can't answer it, can you?

I was just about to before you jumped in there.

Go on, then.

Well, that's a very good question, Dr Mehat.

May I call you Meera?

"No. And stop playing for time."

What I like most about the Institute is...

its focus on excellence...

..for all things scientific.

We may as well not even bother going in.

Oh, here's a jumper!

Oh. Was this...?

Yep. When I tried to make toast over a Bunsen burner.

Whoa! Jackpot!

How long has this stuff been in here?!

Dude, this place is a wash-out.

I dunno. There is one uniform that would fit me.

What? No way! I've got an image to maintain.

And it's not purple.

Come on, Frankie, he's your best friend.

I've never seen him before in my life.

Mum made me that pastry you like for lunch...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

It's your mum!

Dad, she can't see you.

Answer it. But carefully.

You go really squeaky when you're lying.

I do not!

SQUEAKILY: Hi, love!

NORMALLY: Hi, love!

'Have you heard from Emily?'

Emily?

Emily? Emily?

Stop saying Emily!

No, I've not heard anything.

Maybe I should go down to the school, check she's OK.

No! I mean, I really think she wanted to do this on her own.

-DR MEHAT:

-Emily Zipzer?

-'What was that?'

What was what?

-Emily Zipzer?

-It sounds like someone's shouting "Emily Zipzer."

No! No, no, no. It's, erm...

It's the telly.

'Yeah, it's Fulham's new right back.'

He's called...Tremily Blitzer.

'Yeah, listen...'

It's Tremily Blitzer with the ball, and he is going all the way.

And now he is going to try a shot.

Oh, it sails over the bar!

See?

He's Eastern European, I think.

If we do a permanent swap, can I get one of these every day?

Isn't that your dad?

He can't see me in your clothes!

Hank, all uniforms look the same! Your dad would never have known.

OK, you're about ten seconds too late with this information.

-I could wear your uniform!

-Yeah, you'd look great in my skirt(!)

Hank, just give it up, this photo is never going to happen.

It will if I run home and get my spare uniform.

The photographer's leaving at three, you'll never make it back in time.

Just you watch me.

Hey! Come back with my pastry!

Erm... OK, so what is it?

Is it the right or left hand that goes into the jacket?

This one? Maybe try that.

Yeah? What about the hat?

Should I pop it on the head or keep it tucked under the arm maybe...?

Try one like that. Hang on. And again.

Good.

I don't know, does it all feel a bit too French, maybe?

No, it does, it feels too French. Let's, erm...

Yeah, let's try something else.

KEY RATTLES IN LOCK

These aren't my keys?

These aren't my trousers!

Sorry we missed our slot, I had to take that call.

Can you just make sure it's switched off now?

I'd hate for us to get interrupted.

Yeah, of course, no problem. I am just shutting it down now.

So, Emily, I wonder if you...

PHONE PLAYS A JINGLE

It'll just take a second.

Dad, just take the battery out!

No. No, no, no. It's nearly finished, look.

Look, the screen's gone blank.

-Shall we continue?

-Absolutely, fire away, doc.

I mean, Your Grace.

Your Honour.

You're, erm...

not called any of those things, are you?

Just Meera will be fine.

Sorry, my Dad's not himself.

We just got a call from the hospital.

It's about my mum.

Yeah...

I'm afraid she's had an accident at work.

-Oh, nothing major I hope?

-Oh, no, just a...

Severed arm.

In the salami mincing machine.

Goodness, how terrible!

Yeah...

Yeah, the whole batch of salami was totally ruined.

Sorry, it's the shock.

And that's why I want to get on the course...

to give my mum something to smile about.

I understand.

-Do you feel up to a few questions?

-I think so, yes.

I can't believe you've managed to ruin two uniforms in one day.

Even for you that's a record.

It's only a photo, Hankie, we love you no matter what you look like.

It's not just a photo, why does everyone keep on saying that?

Well, I'm sorry but your spare uniform's

still in the laundry basket. I was going to wash it tonight.

-Is it covered in chocolate?

-Well, no but...

-Then it'll be fine.

Just give me the keys so I can get into the flat.

Dad can just let you in.

He's at school with Emily for that science interview thing.

Oh, is he now?

Hank, have you ever seen your father cry?

What even is that?

What? We've all seen where YOU lick.

Nooo!

HE SIGHS

Get up off that sofa, you can do this!

You want to look like a loser your whole life?

Says the guy who's picking his nose...

It was an itch!

Chill out, both of you.

You're forgetting - Emily has a spare tie.

And that is why I want a place

at the Institute of Scientific Excellence.

Impressive. You talked for half an hour without taking a breath.

And I only asked for your date of birth. Which is...?

Hi, sorry I'm late, I'm Mrs Zipzer.

Oh, what a pleasant surprise.

I thought you were in hospital?

Hospital?

You know, having your new arm fitted.

It's amazing these new artificial arms,

they look so real, don't they, love?

Yes. Yes, it's incredible what they can do when...

when you've lost your arm?

In a salami mincing machine.

May I take a look?

Oh, yes. Yes, go ahead.

Extraordinary. It looks just like real skin.

Wonderful elasticity.

-Ugh!

-You can't feel that, can you?

No. No. No, that doesn't hurt at all.

I can't believe I've made it!

Nothing can stop me from getting a great picture now!

You've already had your photo taken once, Zipzer.

We've no time for vanity. Run along.

Run along.

I wanted the Caesar costume,

but the toga made my hips look too big.

-I think it would look better with the visor down.

-OK.

Sorry, what do you mean by that?

Family support is obviously vital for success at the Institute.

How would you sum up the Zipzer family?

Warm, loving...

Scientific?

Yeah, and, erm, we like to do things together.

As a family.

Because it's not nice to leave somebody out

because that might hurt somebody's feelings.

Although sometimes people may get left out accidentally

-and then no-one's to blame.

-Yes.

Yes, and sometimes people say no-one's to blame,

but somebody most definitely is to blame.

Don't get upset, love, because you might damage your stitches.

Yeah. OK, drop it! Dr Mehat knows that I don't have an artificial arm.

-She does?

-I do.

How could you two lie to me?!

She didn't want you to come in case you might have made a scene.

You know, at parent's evening with all the screaming.

THAT WAS NOT...

..screaming! That was shouting, there's a difference.

I was so close.

There's always next year, dude.

Or we set off the fire alarm, empty the hall

and take a new photo now.

Yeah, that could work too.

-FIRE ALARM SOUNDS

-Oh, for...!

Richard the Lionheart never had to deal with this kind of nonsense.

Right, follow me to the playground, then.

Take these, this chain mail chafes terribly.

Hey! Why do you get to take the photo?

I know what I'm doing, Dad's been teaching me how to do x-rays.

-Can someone take the photo so we don't get caught?

-Say cheese!

Cheese!

Relax, man, she got the shot.

She did! We've done it!

TRIUMPHANT FANFARE PLAYS

-MAN:

-This way!

-Let's celebrate later. They're coming!

Wait, I've got to delete my bad one.

-Ew!

-Urgh!

-Ooh!

And you are gone!

Hurry up!

-No!

-What? I deleted the bad photo.

-You deleted everyone's photo!

-Check the hall!

-Hank, we need to leave!

-Is there an undelete button?

Oh, no!

Did I mention I'm an only child?

Henry Zipzer! I am absolutely furious with you as usual.

I don't want to hear a word from you, not a word, or from you...

'We all got the punishment we deserved.

'Me, Ashley and Frankie got detention

'and had to write an essay on fire safety,

'and Dad and Emily had to make Mum breakfast for a week.

'But I finally proved I could do something right in school.

'Even if it did take three uniforms and a fire alarm.'

I got a place on the course at the Institute!

No? How?

"We feel you would benefit from spending time in a less chaotic

-"and more nurturing environment."

-Can't argue with that.

Oh, OK. I've had a letter from Mr Love,

that says he wants to talk to us about foam damage

to his fancy dress costume and missing photos.

What missing photos?

BOTH: Hank!

Tomorrow is the school fair and I'm running the coolest stall ever.

Why don't we go the whole hog and give you a tank

-and a demolition ball as well(?)

-Yeah, that would be amaz...

Dad is doing Emily's room this weekend.

So Emily is going to be sharing with you.

ALARM BLARES

What is going on in here?

-She almost killed me!

-You will learn to share.

-But I...

-I...

-No arguing!

May I invite you to join me in getting a pie right in the kisser?

Something tells me this weekend is going to be amazing.