No Room for Two Hank Zipzer

Ooh, Hank! Hank!

This is what happens when parents force you to share.

Give it back!

Hank, no, um...

Emily...

Before the sharing word was mentioned, things were going great.

So tomorrow is the school fair and I'm running the coolest stall ever.

Aliens, be afraid.

Maybe not THAT afraid(!)

Henry Zipzer, no dawdling on school property after the bell.

I am not dawdling, Miss. I'm just checking out my new stall.

Ah, yes, "Hank Zipzer's Alien Annihilation."

Misspelt again, Henry.

A-N-N-I-H...

Why don't we go the whole hog and give you a tank

-and a demolition ball as well?

-Yeah, that would be amaz...

May I remind you that guns are not allowed on school property.

It's not a gun, Miss.

It's the Zipzer Alien Zapper...

-Mark 4.

-Ooh!

Although statistically possible,

there's no conclusive proof that aliens even exist.

There's no conclusive proof that we're related,

-but I'm still stuck with you.

-Ha-Ha-Ha.

Thank you.

Miss Adolf, could I request an extra large stall, please?

I'll need room to present

"A Fascinating Forage Through the Thrilling World of Fossils."

-It's basically rocks on a plate.

-Ha-Ha-Ha.

As so often in life, Emily,

you'll have to make do with what you're given.

Something tells me this weekend is going to be amazing.

Great. Lovely. Thank you.

Mum, have you FINALLY given in and got me an air hockey table?

Ha, in your dreams!

No, it's Emily's bedroom furniture for the redecoration.

Hank, what percentage of what I say to you actually goes in?

I'd say about 65%.

If it's about food, then 115%.

I told you, Dad's doing Emily's room this weekend,

so, if she can fight her way through your dirty socks,

Emily's going to be sharing with you.

HORROR MOVIE MUSIC

Believe me, I said I'd pay for my own hotel.

Emily doesn't even NEED her room redecorated!

She always wants it exactly the same!

I've told you,

it's about eliminating unnecessary clutter from the mind.

Einstein wore the same outfit every day, thus allowing him

to concentrate on being a genius.

The only thing you have in common with Einstein is unfortunate hair.

Will you two give it a rest?! I'm not asking for much.

Just that you share. How hard can that be?

I can't believe she's even asking that question.

Ah, Mr Rock, no dawdling on school property after the bell.

-That cannot apply to staff?

-More's the pity.

I'm just putting up these bad boys for tomorrow.

-Ha! What are those?

-It's part of the stocks.

-Huh?

-Stocks? They were a form of medieval punishment.

You must remember them from your childhood.

Pick your feet up when you walk!

Child.

If those two don't stop bickering, I'm going to nail the door shut.

-Oh, I got you a present today.

-Ah!

Looks like it could be new trainers.

Very nice. Let's see.

-Slippers?

-Yeah.

What are you doing?

I am just checking to see if there's a walking stick in there too.

-What on earth are you talking about?

-Slippers are what old men wear!

-You're getting older. We both are.

-I don't feel a day over 20.

SHE GIGGLES

In fact, I think I might have a game of squash tomorrow.

-Squash?

-Yes.

Weren't you put into a back brace the last time you played squash?

Yes.

I'll take these old man slippers back to the shop, shall I?

Explain to me again what the point is.

Oh. The point is you throw some custard pies around, you get messy,

you laugh a lot.

It's fun.

Fun?

F-U-N?

Small word, big feeling of happiness?

Of course you don't get it.

We have to turn the light off now.

Katherine needs eight hours sleep, otherwise she gets weepy.

Right now, I know how she feels.

What ARE you doing?

It's in case I need a snack in the night, obviously.

Hank, Katherine is going to be over tired.

All right, put it in its cage and I'll turn out the light.

Don't be ridiculous. Katherine sleeps with me.

Urgh, what's that smell?

Eau de Cricket. It helps Katherine sleep.

I'm really not happy about a wild animal being loose in my bedroom

-while I'm asleep.

-Reptiles rarely eat humans...

I want a Hank sandwich!

..and, anyway, Katherine would have better taste. You'll be fine.

This is NOT fine!

-Right love, I'm off.

-In Hank's PE kit by the looks of it.

Yeah, it must have shrunk in the wash.

Are you sure you're not overstretching yourself

-with this squash game?

-Absolutely not.

They didn't use to call me "The Slayer" for nothing, you know.

Oh, OK. Who used to call you that?

-People.

-Who?

My mum mainly.

SHE LAUGHS All right, well off you go,

but can you hurry back cos I've got a really busy day?

-I thought it was your day off?

-Does this look like a day off?

So I need you to get back here and work on Emily's room.

Shouldn't be too much for "The Slayer", should it?

Absolutely not.

Using maths, physics, triggy... triggy... triggymon...

that other thing, I've skilfully split this room into two.

All persons and possessions, INCLUDING REPTILES,

-are to stay in their own half.

-Genius.

-Thanks.

Or it would be if you hadn't given yourself the side

with no access to the door.

So, unless you've mastered teleportation,

which seems unlikely as you're still struggling with cutlery,

give me the tape.

HE WHEEZES

Let me guess, you're building your own computer?

Actually, I'm building a display stand for my fossil presentation.

-Behold!

-What is it?

A coprolite from the Oxfordian age.

-Simpler.

-Preserved waste matter.

-Simpler.

-Really old poo.

-How was squash?

-Really great.

I don't know why I ever stopped.

There's a good few years left before THIS man will be needing slippers.

HE WHIMPERS

-Why are you walking like that?

-Strengthening work for the thighs.

As you're in such great shape,

you might as well get cracking on Emily's room.

This is the name of the paint you need.

It won't be a problem, will it,

bringing back heavy tins of paint back from the shop?

-No, of course not!

-Right, off you go then.

If there's no one there to SEE you break the rules,

does it still count?

ALARM RINGS

Apparently it does(!)

What's going on in here?!

Caught. Like a diptera in a web.

That's a fly to you.

Emily says she stuck to her side of the agreement.

-By trapping me in a net?

-He wasn't on his side.

-She almost killed me!

-It might need a few minor adjustments.

Look, Hank, I've told you this before,

I've got a lot on my plate today and I really need you to make an effort

like Emily does.

HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, this is war!

Could you please give me my dart back, Katherine?

No?

OK, well then it's time for a little trip.

Come to Hank.

Now we wait.

Italian football is like a sleek, beautiful sports car.

English football is like a clunky, ugly tractor. Remember?

-Stan?

-I'm down here.

-Hello?

-Don't mind me. This is just the most comfortable position.

-What for?

-Oh, I don't know...breathing.

You look like you should be in bed or hospital.

Well, I was on my way to get paint,

and my legs seized up near the Post Office.

A nice strong espresso will help.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Ooh!

Katherine! How did you...

Ah-ah-ah. Back onto your side.

You HAVE to give her back immediately!

She'll get her anxiety rash!

She's just fine, aren't you, Katherine?

In fact, we were just having story time.

"And once the rainforest tribesmen had killed the lizard,

"they skinned it and made delicious kebabs and then they..."

Victory!

-You crushed my display stand!

-A display stand for a POO!

-And you scared Katherine!

-Scared?

-Are we forgetting about the net of death?

-ENOUGH!

-Do you want me to cancel your room decoration?

-No.

Do you want me to stop you doing your stalls at the fair this afternoon?

-No.

-No.

-Do you want me to ground you for 35 years

and cancel your pocket money and sell all your worldly possessions?

-No.

-No.

-No. Well then, you will learn to share.

-But, I just...

-NO ARGUING!

Oh, it's Rosa!

Papa, I've forgotten the order forms for...

Hey, just thought I'd pop in to check if Pete was snowed under.

-Is this Emily's bedroom?

-You can't just rush into these jobs.

-They need planning.

-I am just about at the end of my tether.

I need Emily out of Hank's room,

which means that I need Emily's room decorated.

First thing this afternoon, I'll get started, I promise.

OK, good, because, I am close...

I am just close.

Make sure you've got everything you need for the fair, kids,

and help each other.

Finally, freedom is in sight.

At the fair I get to run my own stall,

far away from the Fossil Freak.

Don't forget your poo.

-But there is no stall for me.

-There must be a stall for you somewhere.

These's no space left. Look, there's no other stalls. Can you see any?

Oh, Miss Adolf, there's a problem here.

If you're referring to your frankly unfathomable decision to put

your son in charge of projectiles, then, yes, I quite agree.

I am referring to the fact that Emily doesn't seem to have a stall.

No room, I'm afraid. Year 7 required extra space for their "artwork".

I use the term "art" loosely.

-Emily will have to share with Hank.

-But...

-No way! She...

Unless there is a reason why they should be incapable

of performing that simple task?

No, absolutely not.

In fact we were just having a constructive conversation about

-sharing only this morning, weren't we, kids?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Yes, they would love to share.

Good.

There she is!

Miss Adolf, may I invite you to join me

in getting a pie right in the kisser?

I guarantee your hair will not move.

I've heard your music, Mr Rock, and I'm certain you're more used to

getting pelted by angry crowds than I am.

Right, well, your loss.

Did you know that teachers who participate get to share

the proceeds for new equipment in their department?

-New equipment?

-Hmm-mm.

I need new equipment.

Very well, I'll do it.

Hi-five!

Down-low.

Tickle in the middle?

Roll up!

Mum is watching us like a really angry hawk.

SHE SQUAWKS ANGRILY

We're going to have to at least try to share the stall

but it's not going to be easy.

Only 50p for your chance to save the galaxy. Would you like a go?

Yes.

But not as much as I'd like to learn about petrification

in the Jurassic Age!

All right, kidlets, this is the moment you've been waiting for.

You get your chance to show your teachers what you really

think of them with one of these...

or one of these, babies.

And, for 50 pence more, one of these.

THEY WHOOP AND CHEER

I know you're excited. OK, I need two lines.

One for those people who want to use me as target practice.

Two, to line up to use Miss Adolf.

I would see this as a complete compliment.

Ah, Mr Rock, you've got a stain on your...

I love your spirit!

All right, we're going to get into the stocks now. Here we go.

I will now move on to talk about trace fossils,

-which are one of the most common...

-STEP UP! STEP UP!

Why stare at rocks when you can knock your socks off?

Alien Annihilation, right this way!

Let's see if you can knock them over.

Which one are you going to choose first?

Right, we'd better get... Oh, excuse me.

You better get started.

-A little nervous?

-Not at all.

That British stiff upper lip. I am filled with admiration for you.

Oh, be quiet!

Ah, Dominic, what a coincidence.

I'm seeing your parents next week.

-No, you're not, Miss.

-I CAN be.

Hello, Mutya. Ready for your photosynthesis test on Monday?

I thought it was on respiration?

That very much depends on whether I STAY in a good mood.

Ah!

I'll swing by later to pick up my half of the money.

I honestly feel like I've just been mugged by a great white shark!

All right, kids, throw away.

THEY LAUGH

Thank you. Oh, it's delicious.

Hold this trigger there to power it up.

-That's MINE!

-Oh, Hank.

What do we love? FOSSILS! Why do we love them?

Because they provide valuable data on the evolutionary process!

I trust everyone is getting along peacefully?

Oh, yes, yes, like, um, two halves working in perfect harmony.

HANK! HANK!

SHE SCREAMS

LAUGHTER

I think we all knew where it would land.

HANK ZIPZEEEEEER!

Can I just say that...

In my defence...

Grounded two weeks!

If I going to be imprisoned in my room,

I want to be in solitary confinement.

HE WINCES

Oh, you're back.

Making pretty good progress, as you can see.

I know what you're thinking. Why is only the lower bit painted?

But that is actually how they advise you do it nowadays.

Prevents drippage.

You've gone into quiet mode, haven't you?

Dad, I was just wondering how long it's going to be

before it's finished?

Oh, well, I've still got to do the ceiling...

HE WINCES

..or I might just leave that

and then I've got to put that furniture together.

So, two days at most. Maybe a week.

Another week?!

You know what they say, sweetheart,

if a job's worth doing it's worth doing well.

What I HAVE done looks really rather good,

don't you think?

Nothing to say at all?

You'll be needing these if you're sleeping on the sofa!

I think I preferred the silence.

LOUD SNORES

I don't know if that's coming from a human or an animal,

but I DO know that I've had enough!

DAD SNORES

Dad's always telling me winners make their own luck,

so that's what I'm doing.

I'll put the furniture together myself

and then the brain on legs can get back into her own room.

Simple!

Or maybe not!

HE GROANS

HE SCREAMS

Hank, what have you done?!

If you look like this...

it actually looks pretty good.

I was just trying to be helpful, but I couldn't read the diagrams.

They can be really tricky.

It's actually like this.

-Mum is going to freak.

-How about a bit of team work?

-I read out the instructions, you do the physical stuff, OK?

-OK.

Right, now we need to... Oh.

It's actually like that.

Oh, that makes more sense.

What? You think I want the torture to continue?

All finished, as promised.

How is this possible?

Well, you just need to put your back into it.

Not hard when you're young and fit.

SHE GIGGLES

Is that so?

Oh, that reminds me. I got you a present.

Oh, watch out! What is it this time? A set of false teeth?

It's this.

Squash lessons.

Yeah, 24 of them. Start tomorrow.

Have fun, Slayer!

Oh, Emily's room's done so you can move back in there tonight.

Till we meet again, accursed foe.

There's no need for that kind of talk!

In fact, we could discuss what we've learned from this experience.

That sharing genes with Hank apparently isn't torture enough.

I have to share other things too.

-That my sister collects poo.

-OK, what else have we learnt?

Miss Adolf really needs to rethink her face cream.

That life is a lot more peaceful when you share. Yes?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Louder.

-YES!

-YES!

Would you like a croissant, Emily?

Thank you, Hank, I would.

Excellent.

Hey, Mum, can I go to Spitalfields

-with Ashley and Frankie next Saturday?

-No, you can't.

If Mum says no then it's a no.

If I can survive a weekend in a field with Miss Adolf...

I can't believe you're doing this!

..it'll prove I can look after myself.

-What have you got down there?

-Nothing. See?

That's it, I'm done. A man has his limits!

-I thought I just heard something outside.

-Don't be ridiculous.

Pull it!

That sounded big.

SHE WHIMPERS