Cow Poo Treasure Hunt Hank Zipzer

TITLE MUSIC

This is bad.

This is worse than bad.

This is unbeliev-i-bad.

I'm on my hands and knees in the mud, rummaging through cowpats...

..with McKelty.

All I wanted to do was go to the shopping centre

with Frankie and Ashley.

This will make more sense if we go back to when it began.

Next Saturday? I'm in!

Are you sure your parents will let you come?

-Course. Why wouldn't they?

-Well, they wouldn't last time.

-Or the time before.

-Frankie and Ashley have been allowed to hang

out at the Spitalfields shopping centre for ages.

Their parents trust them to look after themselves.

Mine are a different story.

PARENTS LAUGH

-Go to Spitalfields?

-On his own!

-BOTH:

-No.

But they're bound to let me! I'm more responsible now.

I hardly ever have any accidents!

-Henry Zipzer!

-Sorry, Miss, I didn't see you lurking there.

I wasn't lurking, I was checking the list for Survival Camp.

Survival Camp?

Yes, would you care to sign up? Only two days left.

Oh, well, erm...

We value our lives?

We've got lice! We're totally infested.

Miss Adolf's camps are so insanely tough,

nobody's EVER got through them.

I can't believe she's got any names on that list.

Who'd be mad enough to sign up for a weekend of torture?

Yeah, Zitzer, I'm writing my own name.

Maybe one day you'll learn how to do it too.

And maybe you'll learn not to write your name in stupid places.

Have fun at Camp Carnage.

What was this doing in the bin?

-Making friends with a tomato?

-It's about Taking Your Child To Work Day.

Why would you throw it away?

We had that with Hank, remember?

Dad took him to cover the swimming event?

That's Hank. I'm not going to turn on the wave machine.

What was wrong with that?

It was during the 100 metre finals of the men's butterfly.

But I've got some brilliant ideas to sort this place out.

Yeah, I know. That's what I'm afraid of.

I just don't think it's going to work, sweetheart.

You should let her do it, Rosa. Give her experience of life.

Stop being so overprotective.

Overprotective?!

Hey, mum, can I go to Spitalfields with Frankie and Ashley

-next Saturday?

-No, you can't.

I'm not over-protective!

So can I go, then?

No. You absolutely cannot.

If mum says no, then it's a no.

But I walk to school with my mates every day!

That's ten minutes. This is the whole day in another part of town.

It's one bus ride!

Hank, I'm already late. Make sure you do your homework.

Mum'll be home soon to do dinner.

I know you're disappointed, but maybe next year, yeah?

But I can look after myself now!

And I can prove it.

Cooking dinner! This will show them.

Who needs recipe books?

I'll do beans on toast. That's got the recipe in the name.

And for dessert - cake. Easy.

There's something missing. What would make it more cake-y?

Cake!

That looks deeee...

..sgusting.

I'm not being mean, I just don't think you're ready to.

Who's hungry?

She said that was why she couldn't trust me

to go with you next weekend.

-You won't burn beans at the shopping centre.

-That's what I said.

If only there was another way to prove you can look after yourself.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Think about it - if I can survive a weekend in a field

with Miss Adolf, I can survive a shopping centre.

You won't be alive to go to the shops.

This will kill you.

Or injure you.

-Or both.

-You think there'll be injuries?

Always injuries.

Come on, Frankie. You can't let us go without you.

Just you watch me.

THEY WHIMPER

I can't believe I'm doing this.

-I can't believe you're doing this!

-It'll prove I can look after myself.

There are children still in therapy from last year's trip.

Let the boy go!

When I was his age I could turn wild boar into salami with my bare hands.

My father taught me to be a man!

Hang on, I teach him to be a man.

What do you teach him? How to follow a sat nav?

How to fight off an angry e-mail?

That is not a man.

How about unclogging a jammed printer?

Or recycling a...

-Yeah, all right, maybe he should go to camp.

-What?!

Well, it'll help him learn about nature and initiative and...

man things.

And if I get through it, can I go to Spitalfields next Saturday?

-Yes, you can.

-Yes!

If he's going to camp, I should be allowed to work in the deli.

Of course you can.

Thank you very much!

HE MOUTHS

Very manly.

Hey, champ.

Just wanted to say how proud I am of you for signing up for camp.

I've got something for you.

Me too.

This is my grandfather's tinderbox.

It saved his life when he was shipwrecked after the war.

He gave it to me,

I'm giving it to you.

Promise you no lose it.

Wow!

I won't. I promise.

What's your thing, Dad?

It's...

a plastic bag.

You can put your phone in it

and stop it getting wet.

Thanks, Dad.

Why do I need these?

Because tomorrow at the deli

you're going to be mostly doing the washing up.

Are you trying to keep me out of the way?

No, of course not.

If you try to keep me down, I will rise up against you.

Ah, my cake mix.

I can't believe you didn't do your packing till this morning

-and you still forgot this.

-Great. Thanks, Mum.

OK, hurry up. You're going to be so late.

It'll be fine. The coach doesn't leave until nine.

OK, well, where is it?

Or maybe eight... or some other number.

Listen, Hank's missed his coach

so I've got to drive him to camp.

Can you run things just till I get back?

It'll mean keeping an eye on...

So you think I can't cope with a little girl?

OK, so I've written a list of things that she shouldn't do.

I don't need a list. Me and Emily will have fun, won't we, Emily?

OK. Fine. But just make sure you keep your eye on her, OK?

Come on, let me show you how to use the bacon slicer.

What?

I'm joking. Go! Go!

Bye, Mum! Sorry I got us lost.

Now I'm really late.

I had a problem reading the map.

I have no idea how we got here.

I've got my own mapping system.

It goes like this - tree, tree,

big, red barn,

giant golf ball, camels, for some reason,

huge, weird rock, here.

Who couldn't follow that?

Hank! You missed loads of injuries.

-Good ones?

-Mainly twisted ankles and mental trauma.

I'm taking this one back to London.

Adolf's running a minibus service. They call it the Quitters' Express.

I'm starting to wish I'd got us more lost.

You better watch that rucksack. Adolf's confiscating everything.

Papa Pete's tinderbox!

Can you take this back home for me? It's valuable.

I'll let them know you'll drop it round.

Don't let Adolf see that phone!

She sent them all back on the last minibus.

Henry Zipzer!

All foodstuff is on the banned list.

Now drop and give me 20.

HE SIGHS

Stop sighing.

Let's start you off waiting tables.

-Can't I do something better?

-Like what?

Catering venues live or die by the number of people served.

By increasing your customer turnover,

I could boost your profits by up to 11%.

I think waitressing is hard enough for a little girl.

Can't I at least show you the business plans I've made?

Emily, everybody has to start somewhere.

You think your Charles Darwin just left school

and discovered evolution?

No. First he had to wait tables in his grandfather's deli.

Actually he studied at Edinburgh and Cambridge University

before joining the voyage of the Beagle at the age of 22.

Go and wait the table.

Hold it. Hold it.

Ow! Hank, this is a disaster.

COW CHUCKLES

No worries. It's all finished.

-I'm pretty sure tents aren't supposed to look like that.

-Hm.

COW CHUCKLES

And you've pegged my foot to the ground!

HE STRAINS

There's your supper.

But first you can go for a little run.

Work up an appetite. Hm?

Come along.

Left, right!

I was actually reading that.

Research shows that reading while eating slows down consumption rate.

So which is it - eating or reading?

Erm....eating?

That's what I thought.

Perhaps I could add some cold water.

Really, I insist. Just give me the cup.

Everything OK with Emily?

Of course. I told you I can handle my granddaughter.

Why don't you go home? Take a day off, eh?

-But the deli...

-Will be fine.

You and Stan can do your own thing for a change.

You sure? That's so sweet.

It's nothing. You deserve it.

Go. Ciao.

-OK. Ciao.

-Ciao, bella.

Also, if you talked less, you could drink more.

If you drink more, you can leave sooner.

This is nice. An afternoon to ourselves.

Mm.

CLOCK TICKS

Listen to that.

Silence.

-I remember when it used to be like that all the time.

-Mm!

Before we had the kids...and we could do whatever we wanted.

-Wasn't it great?

-Hm.

-Ha!

Mm.

So...what do you want to do?

I don't know. What about you?

I dunno.

In what world does "a little run"

mean staggering through mud for two hours?

In Miss Adolf's world, Hank.

We're in her world now. She'll destroy us all!

Frankie, just calm down!

I can't. I'm supposed to be the clean one.

That's my thing! But look at me, she is tearing me apart.

Frankie! Stop!

Don't look down.

I think we've wandered into... a cowpat minefield.

COW LAUGHS

-What do we do? What do we do?

-Move your foot back carefully.

I can't take this, Hank. It's too disgusting.

It'll be OK. I promise. We're going to get out of these cowpats

and when we do, I'm ordering pizza.

Phones are on the banned list! What are you doing?

-If Miss Adolf sees you...

-How's she going to do that?

-Henry Zipzer!

-Quick! Hide it!

-I don't want it!

-SQUELCH

-Urgh!

LOOOO-SER!

What have you got down there?

Nothing. See?

That's it - I'm done. A man has his limits.

Frankie, no! Come back!

Who am I going to work with now?

I think I can find you someone.

Nicholas McKelty, meet your new partner.

Your waitress is serving cold food.

I've reduced the temperature of all food by 20%

to encourage quicker eating.

-But it's lukewarm.

-Then you'd better eat up quickly, madam.

Emily!

I do apologise.

Please, allow me to get you a piping hot one.

We're just wasting time. She could have eaten it by now.

What are you doing?

I think we've forgotten how to do stuff without the kids.

DOORBELL

Um, hi. Hank asked me to bring this back for him.

-Ashley! Please, come in!

-Yes! Yes! Have some juice!

How about a board game?

-What are you doing?

-Sh! I'm hunting.

Well done. You've caught a hedge.

Not the hedge. There's a lasso on the other end.

As soon as a bird walks into it - bang.

It'll explode.

No, I'll have something to go with the rice.

My dad's been teaching me how to live off the land.

There's food all around us.

Wait.

There's something on the lasso.

-Pull it.

-No, I think it's...

-Pull it!

THUD

That sounded big.

SHE SHRIEKS AND WAILS

SHE PANTS

Three, four, five. I've won.

-Again.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

Well done, Ashley. Another game?

Five's plenty, thanks. I should go.

Oh, no. Another cake!

And you can tell us how you're doing at school.

DOORBELL

Oh!

-Hi, just to let you know...

-Frankie!

-Frankie!

We can watch the match!

-Do you think she knows it was us?

-It wasn't US - it was YOU.

Just don't do anything else to "help".

I was going to cook the rice.

-What, and burn it? You're useless, Zitzer.

-No, I'm not!

Pick it up! Pick it up!

Put it down! Put it down!

There's a minibus in the next few minutes

if you'd like the misery to end?

Yes! What a game!

Let's get out the table football.

We have to get out of here.

I can't. I think I'm getting Stockholm syndrome.

Thanks, Mrs Zipzer. Maybe I could do yours next?

No! No! No! We have to get out before they adopt us.

PHONE RINGS Oh!

Hello?

Rosa, your daughter is not cut out for the service industry.

Listen.

Eat and leave! Eat and leave! It's not hard to understand.

PEOPLE SHOUT AND ARGUE

Everybody has gone crazy.

SHOUTING AND ARGUING CONTINUES

Mama mia! Please help me!

I want a refund!

Um...there's been a disaster at the deli.

Emily's coming home in disgrace.

Our baby needs us!

# Our baby needs us! Our baby needs us! #

-I can't believe you burned my tent.

-I fixed it, didn't I?

You taped underpants over the hole.

HANK SIGHS

At least you used a clean pair.

No, I put the clean ones on.

They're the old ones.

Urgh, I'm not lying under your dirty pants! Swap places.

GROWLING

What was that? I thought I just heard something outside.

Don't be ridiculous.

-GROWLING

-What IS that?!

I think it might be...a badger!

What does it want?

-Maybe it wants our rice.

-We burned the rice.

I've still got it, haven't I?

GROWLING

Get rid of it! Throw it out my pants!

GROWLING

I think it's going.

Ha, that tricked them.

GROWLING

TAPE CLICKS

Ah, dear.

Hm.

Mm! Mm.

Where is everyone?

I don't know.

Everyone's gone.

The badger must have gone on a rampage.

GROANING

GROANING CONTINUES

Oh! Ooh!

SHE GROANS

Are you OK, miss?

Food poisoning.

Argh! Ooh! Call an ambulance.

Where's a phone?

Sent them... Argh! ..back to school.

What are we going to do?!

It's OK. I know where there's a phone.

MISS ADOLF GROANS

Oh! Ungh!

And this is where we came in.

Why would you hide your phone under a cowpat?

I don't know. I thought it'd be hard to find.

It is hard to find! It's very hard to...

Is this it?

Don't worry, miss, I'll save you!

You're going to be OK, miss.

Oh...

Ugh, what's that smell?

Just the...country air.

Hello! Yes! We need an ambulance to...

Where are we?

They said, "Do you remember any landmarks?"

Do you remember any?

Here he is, the hero of the hour.

Oh.

Aw.

We are so proud of you.

Dad told me you directed the ambulance to the camp site -

what initiative!

-I hope you passed with flying colours.

-Well, not exactly.

MISS ADOLF PANTS

Smuggling in a phone.

That's cheating.

You failed the weekend.

Both of you.

But it was Hank! It was Hank's phone! Blame him!

I'll get you for this, Zitzer!

Well, you did as far as we're concerned. You can go shopping with

-your friends whenever you like.

-You're kidding!

Have you seen what's out there?

The world's a dangerous place. I'm never leaving this flat again.

-Come on, Hank. Shopping's hardly camping.

-No, it's worse.

Believe me, Hank. I've seen what the public are like. They're monsters.

I'm staying in here with you.

OK, great. Well, who fancies a board game?

THEY CHEER

I am taking a sabbatical.

I think Mr Love leaving could be a really good thing for me.

-Today is my last day at school.

-And that is because?

I'm going to be home schooled.

My application has begun for the role of headmistress.

She can not be the new head.

It would be like being in prison.

The school governors will be conducting an assessment.

-So you're serious about this?

-I'm always serious.

Henry and I are quite a team.

Very impressive.

I'm...

Miss Adolf's pet!

I always thought when a Zipzer left this school

it'd be your brother getting arrested.