Head Ache Hank Zipzer

You can probably tell that this situation is bad.

Double bad. Triple bad.

But what you won't be able to tell is that it is absolutely,

100% definitely not my fault.

It all started with a text.

INCOMING TEXT

What happened to the no phones at the table rule?

The same thing as the no reptiles at the table rule, I think.

Frankie says the word on the streets is that Mr Love

is going to make a big announcement in assembly.

I bet they're introducing

my flame throwers instead of Bunsen burners idea.

Well, whatever it is, it won't affect me.

Why not, sweetheart?

Today is my last day of school.

-And that is because...?

-I'm going to be home-schooled.

Home-schooled? Don't be silly. You do really well at school, Emily.

Read the research.

The facts are all there. Traditional educational systems

hold back the academically gifted and encourage the mediocre.

If you have any idea what she's talking about, just shout out.

You can't just take yourself out of school.

There's a whole process you have to go through.

I wrote to the local authorities last week

informing them of the decision.

Everything is in place.

APPLAUSE

Which means Tanice goes through to the national finals, as well.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-There you go.

All right, chill out, she's not won the Olympics. Get off!

Um...as a lot of you will know,

I have contributed a huge amount to this school.

And so it may come as a shock to some of you

to hear that I am, in fact, taking a sabbatical

to write a book - The Power Of Love.

This will be followed by the inevitable book tour,

maybe even branded swimwear. Who knows?

The selection process to find a new head begins today.

However, any child who's upset by this news

should go and see the school counsellor.

Do we have...do we have a school counsellor?

-N-No.

-Right.

Well, we should... We'll get one. We'll get one.

You know, guys, I think Mr Love leaving

could be a really good thing for me.

How do you work that one out?

Well, think about it.

I've had a few, let's say, unfortunate incidents

involving Mr Love.

This is going to be a brand-new head.

A head which I haven't set on fire.

It'll be a brand-new start for me.

That only works if the new head is someone who doesn't know you.

-What do you mean?

-Hank, think about it.

There's a vacancy for a job where you get to boss people around.

No! She wouldn't, would she?

Yes, she would.

My application has begun for the role of headmistress,

or, commandant, as I shall rename it once I take office.

The school governors will be in the lesson this afternoon

conducting an assessment.

This is little more than a formality,

as, while it may be immodest to say I'm the best candidate...

..I am.

Right, turn to page 19.

Estimates.

Open your books.

-You weren't in the queue, so I got you something.

-Thanks.

I think.

Anyway, no time for eating.

I'm working on plans to ruin Miss Adolf's assessment this afternoon.

She can not be the new head.

It'd be like being in prison, but with worse food.

So...stand by for genius.

Idea One - put itching powder in her pants

so the governors think she's got fleas.

That would mean having to get near Miss Adolf's pants.

And that idea is scrapped. OK. Um...

Idea Two - shout, "Pineapple," every time Miss Adolf tries to speak.

-Hank!

-Pineapple!

-But...

-Pineapple!

-You don't...

-Pineapple!

-See? It's very effective.

-I think what Ashley's trying to say is,

you don't need one of your crazy ideas to ruin Miss Adolf's lesson.

-I don't?

-No. You just have to be yourself.

That's it? No secret weapon?

Hank, trust us, you ARE the secret weapon.

The school governors will be arriving any moment.

There is to be no speaking without permission, no laughing,

no unauthorised bodily emissions of any kind, Henry.

Uniformity is key.

Why is your hair so springy?

Go and sit at the back.

We will show the governors that this is a classroom

based on hard work, excellence and obedience.

-And fencing swords.

-Pardon, Henry?

And fencing swords.

Well, I mean, the only time I ever work hard or am obedient

is when you start waving your sword around.

Henry Zipzer! This is not information

that needs to be shared with the school governors!

In fact, it might be wise if I store the sword here

in the cupboard for safekeeping.

And for speaking without raising your hand,

you've earned yourself another deten...

Welcome, esteemed guests!

Please join us as we stride down the road to academic excellence!

As you know, Mr Love, today is my last day of school.

I always thought when a Zipzer left,

it would be your brother, getting arrested.

And I wanted to formally resign from the school paper.

HE SIGHS

Now I've lost focus for Mr Duvey.

My leaving gift to the school.

A portrait of myself next to an animal that represents

power, grace and stealth.

It's the best I could do.

The governors wouldn't let a real leopard into the school.

If there's nothing else, Mr Duvey charges by the hour, so run along.

Quicker, Emily.

And who can tell me what is one of the main exports of Thailand?

Ooo-ooo-ooo! I've got it! Ties!

-LAUGHTER

-The clue's in the name.

No, not ties, Henry. Anyone else?

No?

Oh! It's pineapple.

SHE CHUCKLES

Pineapple!

See, Ashley? PINEAPPLE!

Henry! It's nice to see you excited about learning, but..

Wait! Miss...so, they don't make ties in Thailand?

You wouldn't call a country Pantland and not make pants, would you?

They don't name countries after items of clothing, Henry.

What about Bikini Faso?

I have no idea where that came from.

It's Burkina Faso, Henry.

-So, no bikinis?

-No bikinis!

What about Jersey, Miss?

Henry Zipzer, you will move your desk to the front.

Now, let's all read paragraph two.

ALL: "There is a great variety of different scenery in the world..."

Now, if we can talk about Henry Zipzer.

Ah! Yes, I thought this might come up.

Well, as you will have seen,

Henry takes up so much of my time.

I'll stop you there, Miss Adolf...

..and tell you I found it...

inspiring.

The time and passion you give to the boy. So impressive!

And your idea of giving him an oasis of calm around his desk

so that he can focus better? Ha!

Really, very impressive.

I perhaps shouldn't say this,

but going the extra mile for those pupils with greater challenges

is something that can make all the difference.

Oh! Listen to me. Hm-hm-hm!

Probably said too much.

Absolutely not!

I think you've said just the right amount.

GOVERNOR CHUCKLES

-What happened to you, sweetheart?

-From a sociological standpoint,

I felt it was important to engage in the rites of passage

associated with leaving school.

It's REALLY hard to flour and egg yourself.

Well, you, er...did a thorough job.

I also followed the tradition

of getting all my friends to sign my school shirt.

Ah. I can't see any signatures.

Here. Katherine's claw print.

So, you're serious about this?

I'm always serious...about everything.

What are we going to do? We can't teach her.

Well, you say that...

All I'm saying is, I could've been a teacher.

In the same way that you could have been a professional footballer(?)

How hard can it be? I know stuff!

The capital of Ecuador is Quito.

Adult cats have 30 teeth.

It's not a pub quiz!

We can't just tell her facts that we got out of a Christmas cracker!

Yeah, you're right. We should just admit defeat now

and let down our only daughter.

Let's just give it a go!

Fine. But I'm not calling you headmaster.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Deal!

KNOCK AT DOOR Enter!

Ah, Henry! Thank you for coming in to see me.

Well, I-I got your text.

Yes, I did send a text message.

I also used a little smiling face to denote humour.

Well, um...actually, it wasn't a smiley face,

it was a little bunny holding a doughnut.

But, you know, I got the idea.

Um...Miss Adolf, I'm confused.

I didn't even know you could have a detention before school, so...

Detention?

Oh, where does punishment really get us, Henry?

Encouragement, not punishment.

That should be our watchword.

I'm still asleep, aren't I?

Because there can't be another explanation for this.

I've worked out an intensive programme of activities

and exercises to help you tackle your learning difficulties.

I hope you've brought some glue, Henry Zipzer,

because you and I are sticking together.

LOL! Smiley face. Hm?

Right, then, Katherine, 20 minutes of quiet reading.

No getting distracted, or licking our eyeballs.

Right, then. Every marathon begins with just one step.

So let's get this show on the road!

What are you talking about?

-Home-schooling.

-You thought I was expecting you to do the teaching?

-Yes.

-Why would ANYONE think that was a good idea?

-I'll be teaching myself.

-Absolutely not.

Teaching should only be done by professionals.

Well, by adults, anyway.

I've been up all night researching the curriculum for your year.

Yeah, look, he's colour-coded the notes.

Trust me, we've got this covered.

Wrong, wrong. Oh, so near!

Numbers are a tricky business.

She's still smiling at me.

What is going on?!

Making an early start, I see, Miss Adolf.

The sunlight of learning rises early

and shines brightly on those who welcome it.

Henry and I are quite a team.

Impressive! Hm-hm!

Very impressive.

No! No, it can't be!

It is! I'm...

..Miss Adolf's...pet!

Did you not hear what I just said?

Oh, we heard, we're just wondering why you think

we're stupid enough to fall for it.

It's true!

She smiled at me.

And then a governor came in and she did more smiling.

And then she said we're a team

and the governor said that was, "very impressive".

-Oh, dear!

-What?

-You're Miss Adolf's pet.

-Imagine if she gets the job because of you.

She might want us to start looking the same.

She might invite you to her house.

I need a plan and I need one now.

The governor wants a new head that is nice, kind and likes children.

Everything Miss Adolf is pretending to be.

So I need someone who really is nice,

kind and likes children.

Wait! I've got it!

Hey! And what do I owe the pleasure?

Oh, nothing. Just, er...passing through.

# Oh, he's just passing through. #

-So, what can I do?

-Mr Rock...?

-Yes?

Would you say it's important to dream big?

I don't think it's important, I think it's crucial.

-So, what's your big dream?

-Huh!

You're sitting with the guy that shared a Jacuzzi with Mick Jagger,

so it doesn't get bigger than that.

Do not you tell me you don't know who Mick Jagger is?

Your music teacher should be fired!

OK. Well, how about a dream less watery?

What do you have in mind?

Like being the new head!

I thought we were talking about dreams.

That sounds a lot like a nightmare.

Come on, Mr Rock, you'd be great!

Look, I've even brought you the form to fill out.

That's why I'm all itchy and burning!

Do you know that I am officially allergic to paperwork?

Who has a lot of paperwork? Head teachers!

Please, Mr Rock! You'd be perfect!

Hey, I'm very flattered, Hank. Let me put it this way.

N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Go on, then. Seeing as you think you can do better than me.

Right. OK. Yes. Well, we'll begin with Physics and Astronomy.

Not an easy subject.

Not easy at all.

-There are eight planets in the solar system.

-Nine.

Rosa, I thought we settled this last night!

-(Here we go.)

-The largest of the...

My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas.

That's a little rhyme to help you remember

the names of the nine planets, Emily.

Pluto isn't a planet!

It is in the rhyme.

In the rhyme, your mother is very educated,

so it's obviously not accurate.

Thought I'd make a start on moving in my personal belongings.

You haven't even got the job yet, Miss Adolf.

Well, not technically...

-but you know me, Mr Love, I'm a woman who gets what she wants.

-Er...

-KNOCK ON THE DOOR

-Come in!

Ah, here it is!

What do you think, Miss Adolf?

Ah, very striking.

-Yes.

-And the, er, roadkill...

-Leopard.

-..leopard is a unique addition.

Yeah. You know what they say -

you're no-one until you're hanging on a wall.

No-one at all.

Get out.

So, end of day one, and apart from a few small teething problems,

-I thought it went quite well.

-Is that a joke?

It wasn't meant to be, no.

You sulked for 20 minutes

because Mum laughed at your acting in Romeo's death scene.

It was a bit OTT, Stan.

It's called "committing to the role."

It took you 45 minutes to die.

Then Mum insisted the wrong answer was printed in the maths book.

Yeah. That was... That was definitely wrong.

You still shouldn't have thrown it out the window.

If I was giving you a grade, it would be F.

And I'd probably ask to see your parents.

I promise you, I did not apply for the job of head.

You did.

I've got your application form here.

Didn't you think it was weird

that under "What skills can you bring to the role?"

it says, "Awesome axemanship and great hair"?

Well, you do have great hair.

Hank!

So this is an interactive whiteboard and projection system,

with intelligent voice recognition.

As I teach, my words will appear behind me.

OK, so today we will be learning about electrical currents

-and how they...

-Er, Dad? I think that's Swedish.

Erm...

Now Russian.

And Arabic?

All right, let's just switch this off for a moment.

Right. Right.

OK. For a current to flow, we need two things...

VOICE SPEAKS IN MANDARIN CHINESE

Now what's it doing?!

I think it's translating you into Mandarin.

And me.

Hang on, let's just switch this off as well.

VOICE STOPS

OK. Right, now, the two things we need for a current are...?

And now it's projecting your holiday photos.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

And playing your music library.

Let me just switch this off.

Enough!

-If I can just get this...

-Enough!!

Anarchy!

Anarchy! Anarchy!

-Mr Rock?

-Yeah?

-Weren't we meant to be learning about Mozart today?

GROWLS: Were we? I must have messed up my lesson plans.

Whoo!

I think we've seen enough, Mr Rock. Thank you.

We'll let you know.

You didn't even let me get to the part where I eat my bat!

Vwoo-vwoo-vwoo-vwoo!

HE SHRIEKS

Oh... I thought it was real.

How was it? Gold stars all round?

Right, OK, I'll be in the kitchen if anyone needs me.

And lastly, tell us how you view your relationship with the children.

Well...

I like to think of the children as...

..rare exotic flowers, and myself as the gardener,

watering the seedlings and the cuttings...

Sorry to interrupt, but, erm...

..I thought Miss Adolf might want this.

Because normally she doesn't go anywhere without it.

Henry is correct.

I use my fencing sword as a metaphor.

Our minds must be polished, sharp

and able to cut straight to the heart of a problem.

So you don't actually USE the sword?

No.

Except for poking.

Henry means metaphorically poking the mind of a child,

-to bring out their full potential.

-That's not what I meant...

I wonder if you would mind taking the sword back to my classroom, Henry,

for safe keeping.

Nice try, Henry Zipzer.

Lovely boy.

I think I've almost worked out

how to stop the whiteboard from shouting in Swahili

and then we'll be full steam ahead!

SHE GROANS

HE GROANS

Well, this is cheery(!)

Mum, how can I be cheery when Miss Adolf is going to be the new head?

Miss Adolf? In charge of the whole school?

That means stricter rules, harder homework, more exams!

Let's not get any ideas, Emily.

I've got some great lessons planned for today.

And I've fixed my headphones, so no more self strangulation.

Stan. It's time to let it go.

OK.

But I could have been a professional footballer.

-That is a fact.

-Absolutely, sweetheart.

Right, so Emily is going back to school and everybody's happy.

HE SIGHS

Oh, I'm sorry, Hank. I guess not EVERYBODY is happy.

Let this stand as a shining symbol of a bold new era for Westbrook!

Just to be clear, I am still headmaster for the rest of the day,

and this is my farewell assembly,

so, without further ado, let me present to you

my leaving gift to the school.

FANFARE PLAYS

Too-doo!

VERY SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Wow!

Thank you, Mr Love.

As, er...someone once said,

"You're nobody till you're hanging on a wall."

Well, I...I said that...

Which makes this the perfect moment to reveal

my inauguration gift to the school.

Carried onto the stage by a very special pupil.

Henry Zipzer.

It hasn't even got a leopard on it, so...

Some people say

the most important part of a school is its pupils.

Those people are wrong.

The head is the moral and educational heart of any school.

So it is with great pride that I proclaim...

the age of Miss Adolf.

HENRY ZIPZER!

Going to get you!

So, running the 100 metres with Miss Adolf on my tail was not good.

But what was good was the governors seeing the real her

and deciding she wasn't the right person for the job after all.

And even better than that, watch this...

Miss Adolf, can I just ask...

No, you can't, Henry Zipzer. Another detention for unauthorised talking!

Goodbye, Miss Adolf's pet.

Welcome back, Hank Zipzer, the World's Greatest Underachiever.

I've got a meeting with the new head teacher.

My name is Adam Joy, but, please, call me Mr Joy.

Alex Broman is coming to our school! This must be a dream.

He's the best footballer of all time.

How did you even manage to get Alex here?

Same way anything good happens at this school. Through me.

Why can't you be nice just for once?!

THEY GASP

Alex Broman!

Sit down, this instant!

You've lost our star!

What is Alex Broman doing in there?

-She gave him detention.

-You did what?!

CHILDREN: Fight! Fight! Fight!