Hank's Hero Hank Zipzer

Today, my ultimate hero is visiting the school.

Everyone's outside waiting to meet him and I'm stuck in detention.

But you know what? I can't stop smiling!

No smiling in detention, Henry Zipzer!

It's great!

This whole thing started two days ago,

when I was trying to explain football to Mr Rock.

I will never get soccer. Don't you just want to pick up that ball,

throw it down the field, catch it and run for a touchdown?

The crowd goes wild...

No, the reason we call it "football"

-is because we kick it - with our feet.

-Ah, I see.

Let me see that for a minute. I am going to squash it for you.

Don't even think about it - this is signed by Alex Broman!

-MR ROCK GASPS

-I have no idea who that is.

Oh, Mr Rock.

Alex Broman, as in THE Alex Broman.

He's the best footballer of all time.

Oh, you mean "best soccer player".

-Footballer!

-Soccer.

-Footballer!

-Soccer player.

-Footballer!

-Soccer.

-Football!

-Soccer.

-Football!

-Soccer.

-Football!

-You know, this could go on a long time.

-I've got a meeting with the new head teacher.

-What's he like?

We're about to find out!

-Football!

-MR ROCK GRUNTS

My name is Adam Joy,

but please...

..call me Mr Joy.

-If you have any concerns...

-Ahem.

-Yes, actually...

..then keep them to yourself.

-I'm not the school counsellor.

-Oh...

Do we have a school counsellor?

Yes. She started last week.

Get rid of her - save some money.

I see the school paper has announced my appointment -

at the bottom of page eight.

Apparently, a leak in the toilet block was bigger news

to reporter Emily Zipzer.

I was hoping to make a bigger splash,

so I'm thinking a celebrity visit

might generate the kind of buzz I deserve.

Suggestions?

I know just the guy you need.

And to celebrate my arrival here at Westbrook Academy,

I've invited along on Friday a close personal friend of mine -

Alex...

-..Broman.

-ASSEMBLY MURMURS

Alex Broman is coming to our school! This must be a dream!

Five pupils will be selected to take part in a mini training session.

Pick me! Pick me, sir! Pick me!

Stop grovelling.

Where's your self respect?

The five pupils who come up with

the least idiotic questions to put to Alex

will be selected by an expert panel.

Dismissed.

I've got so many questions for Alex - how am I going to pick just one?!

Hmm. If only your dad was a sports journalist

who has to ask sportsmen questions for a living(!)

Finally, my Dad is useful!

OK, OK, one killer question, coming right up.

Tell me, Alex - what is your most memorable goal?

Do people actually pay you to do this?

All right, all right, I'm just letting the nerves get to me. OK...

Alex, of all the goals that you've scored...

..which one do you remember most?

That's the same question!

I'm lining up an interview with Alex for the school paper.

I suppose I could lend you one of my questions, if you like?

Thanks, love,

but Hank can do without asking Alex about his favourite atomic number.

You know what? I'll just make up a question on my own.

Wait!

Favourite shirt number?

Best headed goal? Best volley?

Player who most inspired him?

-You were writing those down!

-You're paranoid.

Show me that pad!

Show me the pad!

Come on, internet - don't let me down.

Alex Broman has dyslexia, just like me!

-I can ask him about it.

-That's a great question.

-Good enough to get me picked to meet him?

-Oh, without a doubt.

What if the panel don't like it?

The panel is going to love it!

How can you be so sure?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Alex - last season, you had an operation

on your cruciate knee ligament.

Please describe, in detail, the operation -

with photos if you have them.

BUZZERS

Seriously? But they put a camera inside his knee.

Next.

-Could you ask him if he's got any photos?

-Next!

Alex, I've got dyslexia too.

Did you struggle at school, like me?

LAUGHTER

Hurry up, Henry.

Heavens knows the suspense is killing us.

Uh...

Alex, what was your most memorable goal?

Congratulations. That's the fifth time we've had that question.

BUZZER

Hank, don't you have a different question to ask?

One question per pupil.

Those are the rules.

BUZZER

Please tell me you're getting a meeting with Alex Broman.

-Well, I um...

-What question did you come up with?

I went for the "What was your most memorable goal?"

See! I told you that was a killer question! So, you're in?

Yeah. Yeah, I got picked. I'm going to train with him.

Boof! Back of the net!

-Oh, Hanky, that's brilliant news!

-Yeah.

I'll get a photo of you and Alex for my story in the school paper.

Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.

Yeah, maybe I could get a photo of you with Alex,

for my story in a national newspaper.

-What, you're coming?

-Yeah, I told my editor all about it

and he thought it would make a great article.

So, it looks like you're not the only one who's going to be

interviewing Alex Broman.

Wow, that's... That's great, Dad.

So exciting!

So, you're going to get to watch your dad and pick up some tips.

I think you'll find it'll be the other way around.

May the best interview win!

This is not going to end well.

All ready to meet Alex, Hank?

You can drop the act. You know I didn't get picked.

-Why didn't you tell Dad?

-Why didn't you?

A good reporter never interferes with the story.

They just let the disaster unfold before them.

There isn't going to be a disaster.

I'm going to get on that training session

and I'm going to meet Alex Broman. Just you watch me!

Ready, son?

-It's like Christmas Day, isn't it?!

-Yeah.

Christmas Day with no presents!

To the left... Yes, the left...

The other left!

Mr Joy? Stanley Zipzer. Exciting times at Westbrook, eh?

My reputation precedes me.

-I mean, Alex's visit...

-What do you want?

I'm here for the interview. This is national news!

Excellent! Fire away, I'm all yours.

You meant Alex.

I did, yeah. But how did you even manage to get Alex here?

I mean, that's quite a coup.

The same way anything good happens at this school - through me.

Have you met our head of governors, Mr McKelty?

Oh, we've met.

Right, open your geometry books at page ten

and Henry Zipzer, take off that ridiculous scarf.

Now!

Ah, Christine, thank you.

Anyone selected for the training team,

go and change into your football kit.

You're not on the team. Sit down.

Er... But Miss, I'm the substitute.

There are no substitutes.

But Miss, there's always substitutes,

-in case someone gets injured.

-He's right, Miss.

Alex will be expecting substitutes and Hank's your man.

It's a five-minute training session in the playground,

not the World Cup.

They'll manage without you.

But Miss, people always get hurt in the playground.

I once got hit in the eye with a doughnut out there.

Yeah, and it only takes a second to fall and graze your knee,

or twist your ankle, or contract malaria.

Thank you, Miss Chen. My decision is final. No substitutes!

Why can't you be nice, just for once?

GASPS

Oh, dear, Henry.

You've just landed yourself in detention -

this lunchtime.

But Alex is coming this lunchtime!

Is he? What an unfortunate coincidence.

It's him!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you know the first rule of journalism?

Always check your sources.

Nope. Beat your rivals to the story.

Whatever it takes.

Alex!

Adam Joy, headmaster. El Capitan.

Are you the guy who asked if we could pretend to be friends?

A...champion sense of humour...

Seriously, I've never met this guy in my life.

LAUGHTER

To make you feel at home, we'd like to present you with this.

CAMERA CLICKS

I only wear clothes from my sponsors.

Oh, right. Someone get rid of this!

I'm joking, man! Come on, chill.

MR JOY LAUGHS

But if it gives me a rash, I'm going to sue.

Er... No press allowed.

-But you've just...

-School paper, nothing I can do about her.

We need to help Hank get out of that detention room.

Definitely. Alex Broman is like his Robert Liston.

-Who?

-My favourite surgeon.

He can amputate a leg in two and a half minutes.

Isn't that brilliant?

Not for the person whose leg it was!

The point is, we need to help Hank get out of the detention room.

Yeah, great idea. I wish I'd thought of that(!)

I've got it! Come on!

KNOCKS AT DOOR

Sorry to bother you, Miss,

but we need your help with a music project.

We're collecting sound effects.

-We wanted to record the swish of your sword.

-Oh.

I'd be delighted to help.

Start recording.

SWORD SWISHES

It's no good, we need you to come to the...music room -

-the acoustics are better.

-(When she's gone, make a run for it.)

Nonsense, the acoustics are just fine in here.

What you really need is the sound of swords clashing!

I think a swish will be enough, but we really need you to...

Do you remember your fencing instruction, Miss Chen?

Not really, Miss. It was one class, like, a year ago?

Here, you can use my spare sword.

En garde!

OK, no clashing - swishing will do!

Parry, Miss Chen - parry!

Thanks, we've got what we needed!

What do you think of all the new signings this season, Alex?

Alex? Alex? Over here, mate!

No-one's coming to rescue me now.

I might as well just get on with some work.

Working out escape plans still counts, doesn't it?

I could disguise myself as a mouse.

Miss Adolf would never spot a mouse.

MOUSE SQUEAKS

That's not going to work.

I could try shrinking myself down,

growing wings and then flying out the keyhole.

FLY BUZZES

Strike two.

Sometimes, the simplest plans are the best.

Going somewhere, Henry?

Miss, you've got to let me see Alex!

I'm begging you - on both knees!

I can see that, Henry -

and I am both appalled and unmoved.

Sit down.

Thanks, guys. Your support means a lot.

If everyone can make their way to the playground,

the training session is about to commence!

Hi, Alex. Just a couple of quick questions?

No problem, boss. Shoot.

Erm... You need to clear any questions with me first.

Who are you? The question police?

No questions unless I approve them.

You're not my boss.

If I were, I would fire you.

If you want to press on ahead to the changing room,

it's up this corridor.

Good, cos this jacket's starting to itch.

I think I see a rash...

I'm joking!

You need to work on your sense of humour, mate.

ALEX LAUGHS

I'm really beginning to dislike that man.

Hank can't miss the visit - Alex is his hero!

-Can't you just speak to Miss Adolf?

-Get her to let him out?

Are you two crazy? The woman's got a sword.

Two, actually.

Can't you just tell her she made a mistake?

Yeah, yeah. Forget I said that.

All right, you two. Leave it with me.

-Hey.

-Hey!

How would you like to meet your biggest fan in the world?

No problem - good to meet you.

-You want me to sign something?

-Oh, no, it's not me.

I mean, I am a fan and I am crazy about football,

but the guy I'm talking about is stuck in detention.

Could you come and meet him?

Oh, man, I'm sorry - I'm running late.

In fact, you have any idea where these changing rooms are?

The changing rooms? As a matter of fact, I do.

They're right this way. Yeah, come on.

Actions have consequences, Henry.

The sooner you learn that, the better.

-Do you think I like having to punish you?

-Yes.

True. But I also do it for your own good.

So, the changing rooms are just in there.

-Thanks, man.

-My pleasure.

I'm guessing you must be my biggest fan.

Alex Broman!

Sit down, this instant!

Hey, that's not cool, shouting at him like that.

Is that right?

Well, when I want lessons on how to teach from sixth formers,

I'll be sure to pop along to the common room.

I'm not a sixth former.

-That's Alex Broman, Miss!

-He's right, I am.

Do you think I was born yesterday?

I'm guessing it was a lot longer ago than that.

Detention! Now, go and sit over there.

You're giving me detention?

And I'll have those sunglasses, thank you very much.

You're making a big mistake, lady.

Oh, sit down and be silent!

One of your teacher friends tricked me into coming here.

-Mr Rock?

-Seems straight up.

-He's the best.

-Silence!

I'm sitting next to Alex Broman!

This is officially the best day of my life.

No smiling in detention, Henry Zipzer!

Mr Broman?

Alex?

CHANTING: We want Alex! We want Alex! We want Alex!

The mob are turning! Where is the footballer?

-Whatever-his-name-is... Alex?

-He was with you.

He's not in the changing rooms. You've lost our star.

Oh, no, the press... the press are going to ruin me!

He must be here somewhere.

You stay here and keep the press away from this,

I'll search the school.

KIDS CHANT: We want Alex! We want Alex! We want Alex! We want Alex!

You've not lost one of the most

expensive footballers in the country, have you, Mick?

Keep your nose out of this, Zipzer.

Anyway, he's not lost, he's just...unaccounted for.

I'd hate for this story to be about

how you lost control of this event, Governor McKelty.

Still not spoken to Alex yet, Dad?

I've got a few spare quotes, if you need them.

Thanks, love, but you know what?

I think I've got quite the story brewing here.

And if not, you'll just make one up anyway - right, Zipzer?

I mean, that's what you journalists do.

"I'm afraid we've lost him, said Governor Mick McKelty..."

No, I didn't.

"..40s, balding

"and with breath that would kill a skunk."

Right, give me that.

-No, you can't have it, it's mine.

-Give me...

No, you can't, that's illegal!

-Give me it!

-No, you can't... No, you can't! Ow!

I want 100 words on

"Why I should never try and trick my teacher."

-This isn't a trick, I'm Alex Broman.

-He really is, Miss.

Make that 200 words.

-Man, I hate a blank sheet of paper.

-Me, too.

HANK SIGHS

'He's got his letters mixed up, just like I do.'

Hey, Alex? Guess what we both have in common.

We're both being tortured by your crazy teacher?

Yes!

And, er... we both...

love football.

Ain't that the truth.

CHANTING: Fight! Fight! Fight!

This is great, Dad. I'm getting loads of tips.

CAMERAS CLICK

If you are the standard of sixth former our schools are producing,

then I despair!

Miss Adolf, could I have a moment of your time?

This is not a sixth former.

This is our very special guest, Alex Broman.

As in Alex Broman.

I might have known you'd be part of this silly prank.

Well, I haven't fallen for it, Mr Rock.

Alex, you can go. You've got a lot of fans waiting for you.

Sit down!

A word in the corridor, Mr Rock.

Do you know how long I've been teaching?

A long, long, long, long, long time.

And I have never been so undermined by a...

-Ah, Mr Joy, just the man.

-Not now, I'm looking for...

What is Alex Broman doing in there?

-She gave him detention.

-You did what?!

I thought he was a sixth former. He was wearing sunglasses, inside!

This is a PR disaster, what are going to do?

-I say put her in detention.

-I...

Fancy getting out of here?

Yeah, what's the plan?

Take your pick.

Or we could just sneak out the back door?

Why didn't I think of that?

Henry Zipzer!

Get back here!

I have to admit, I'm impressed.

Well, it's like somebody once told me -

get the story at all costs.

Did you ever get your interview with Alex?

Hank! Ha-ha, there's still time!

Alex, this is my dad, Stanley Zipzer -

the best sports journalist in the world.

Hiya, mate. Quick word?

Move! Hi, Alex.

Shall we move you over to the training squad?

They're all hand selected.

Yeah, sure, but I think my man was about to ask me a question.

Shoot!

Erm... If-If-If...

Erm...erm... Wh-When...

-Let's go.

-No, wait.

Did, um...

Did you struggle at school with dyslexia, like me?

That's the best question I've been asked all day.

Yeah, bottom of the class for everything.

Except football.

-Come on, Hank.

-Wait...

-Let's see what you got.

He's not actually hand-picked for the squad, so... OK!

Go on, Hank! Top corner!

-That's my boy.

-Oh, you can speak now?

Henry Zipzer, return to detention immediately!

CROWD: Ooh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No photos without me!

I never thought I'd say this, but that was the best detention ever!

I will not have Open Day disrupted by troublemakers.

GUITAR SLIDE

Shh!

-Five, four, three, two, one...

-Dig deep, Agnes.

Miss Adolf has given me the day off tomorrow,

for being such an awesome student.

They're excluding all the "undesirables".

-I understand that Henry Zipzer has been excluded?

-Yes.

Ta-dah!

Buckle up and get ready for a rollercoaster ride

through the magical kingdom of Westbrook!

-Look out!

-Come back here!

-Sorry!

-You will be!

-The tour was exceptional.

-BOTH: It was?

BOOM FIZZLE