Last Day Hank Zipzer

ALARM RINGS

'I know what you're thinking -

'Hank's going to be late for school again.

'But I'm not.'

That Hank - that's normal, everyday Hank.

Me? I'm end-of-term Hank and I've been up for ages.

The summer holidays -

six perfect, Ms Adolf-free weeks!

I wonder if I'll miss her?

Henry Zipzer!

Henry Zipzer!

Henry Zipzer!

Yeah, probably not.

Hank Zipzer, early and waiting for me? This must be a dream.

A really boring dream.

ELEVATOR DINGS

So, what gives? Why are you early?

I'm not giving anyone a reason to put me in detention.

-Not today.

-Well, I'm not sure it's you.

Get me out! Get me out! Get me out! Get me out!

Forget what I said - it's you.

My card!

What is that thing?

This is what I spent all night doing.

I did not glue four of my fingers together just for this card

to get ruined!

OK, dude, chill. Who's it for?

I'll give you...three guesses?

Me.

-No.

-Then I don't care.

ELEVATOR DINGS

Fine, I do care! Who's it for?

-Mr Joy?

-What?!

Is everything OK?

Yes, Ms Adolf, everything is absolutely fine.

I came in here today and I thought to myself,

"You know what, Adam, you know what you should do?

"You should empty your suitcase all over the office."

So I did, for no reason.

-Are you being sarcastic?

-Yes.

Because sometimes it's hard to tell

whether you're being sarcastic

or just angry.

I'm being sarcastic.

If you're going to skulk around, you might as well give me a hand,

-Ms Adolf.

-Yes, of course, headmaster.

You seem...tense.

-Yes, I am. I'm going on holiday with Mrs Joy.

-Ahh.

And if I haven't picked up the holiday money

or made it to the airport by six o'clock,

the whole break will be a complete nightmare.

I'll spend the whole summer vacation wishing I was still here.

Imagine that! Imagine actually wanting to be here.

Yes.

Imagine.

Oh! Erm... Yes...

Very...aerodynamic, I'm sure.

-Was there something else?

-What?

Oh, yes, the school is assembled

for, erm, assembly.

Oh, must we do this EVERY day?!

It's always the same!

Come on!

The last day of term is awesome.

But the last-day-of-term assembly is awful.

We all accept the futility of the last day of term,

but if we're forced to be here pretending to teach

and pretending to learn, then let's do it with minimum fuss, hmm?

-Man, this is sending me to sleep.

-I know.

Getting up before my alarm was definitely a bad idea.

If the actions of any pupil causes me to miss my flight today,

I will be invoicing them the full cost of my holiday,

and they will begin the autumn term with an all-expenses-paid,

all-inclusive, package deluxe fortnight in detention.

Hey! If I've got to sit through this, you do too.

I want no end-of-term high jinks. No shaving cream. No flour.

-No eggs. No...

-Fun.

Yes - no fun.

You look tired, Zipzer. Did you skip breakfast?

No.

You sure? Why don't you have an egg, just in case.

If McKelty's egg hits the card, it'll be completely ruined!

I can't let that happen.

Zipzer! My office after school!

The words weren't even out of my mouth and there you were,

looking like an omelette.

But, sir, it wasn't my egg!

Stealing eggs too, hmm? This just gets worse, Zipzer.

In fact, I'm wondering whether or not

I want you back at Westbrook Academy in the autumn at all.

What?!

You haven't exactly covered yourself in glory over the last 12 months.

In fact, I would say your year eight has been a total disaster.

Henry Zipzer, return to detention immediately.

-ALL:

-Ooh.

Nooooooo!

Wait. There is something on the lasso. Pull it.

-No, I think it's...

-Pull it!

SMACK

That sounded big.

SHE SCREAMS FRANTICALLY

Here at Westbrook, our teachers truly care

about each and every pup...

Come back here, you despicable child!

Wait till I get my hands on you.

It was an accident, Miss.

Oh, no.

So, it is with great pride that I proclaim...

the age...

of Ms Adolf.

Ahhh!

Hank Zipzer!

Well, what do you have to say for yourself?

Wow! I've packed a lot into one year.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

It says here I have to have two teachers present

to act as independent witnesses or else I can't exclude you.

It's bureaucracy gone mad.

Wait there.

Hello?

Hello, anyone here?

Hello?

Grr!

Hello?! Is anyone here?

Argh!

Ah, Ms Adolf! I knew you'd have no reason to run off.

I need you to witness an exclusion.

I'm honoured, headmaster.

Yes, let's not get too excited -

it's just a year eight with a bad attitude.

One of yours, I think. Zipzer.

Henry Zipzer? You're excluding Henry Zipzer?

Can I bring a camera?

I need someone else in there too. Anyone about?

Just the caretaker.

No, it has to be a teacher. There must be someone.

Well, don't just stand there!

Of course.

Oh, this is ridiculous. Where is everyone?

A lot of the staff seemed to be in quite a rush to get away.

I saw Ms Stevens from geography outsprint two PE teachers.

There must be someone. Anyone!

Except him.

What on earth are you dressed as?

Me?

I'm dressed as a guy that is going to love drinking out of a

coconut with a little umbrella in a hammock in just a few short hours.

Well, you look ridiculous.

Yeah, but I feel great. Isn't that what it's all about, Ms A?

Life is not about enjoying yourself...

-Of course it is.

-No, it isn't.

-It absolutely is.

-It isn't.

-It isn't.

-It is.

-Thank you.

This double act is very entertaining,

but I am sure we've got better places to be,

so why don't you follow me to my office to watch me exclude a pupil.

Puff!

My head is exploding.

Did you just say you are going to exclude a pupil? What time is it?

At 4.15 in the afternoon on the last day of the semester?

What movie are we in? Scrooge in the summer?

-CAR HORN HONKS

-There's my ride.

Now look, it's the summer holidays. I'm sure the kid is sorry,

he has learnt his lesson. Have a great summer.

-It's Henry Zipzer.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

But I'm quite sure we can find someone else

to fill out the paperwork.

After all, you've got a plane to catch.

My plane will wait.

OK, so my plane won't wait, but I've got to hear this.

Let's go.

Hello, Henry.

Ms Adolf?!

You said "an independent witness."

If she's independent, then I'm a giant blue rabbit!

You see, I'm a giant green rabbit.

Totally different.

That's just not fair! It's two against one.

Not any more, Hank.

Mr Rock! Officially the coolest teacher on earth.

# Anarchy!

# Anarchy!

# Anarchy! #

Mr Rock, weren't we meant to be learning about Mozart today?

Were we?

I must have messed up my lesson plan.

Surprise!

OK, birthday boy, I knew you were sad cos you didn't have a party

so I made you one Rock style.

Great.

Come on, let's feed our faces with cake.

Now, this is wild. Breaking into the head teacher's office.

It's not actually that wild, the door was unlocked and you work here.

All right, I'm going to force this man to be spontaneous!

How's your planning looking now, Mr Joy?

It's a permanent marker.

Oh, yes, it is.

All right, look at this... How about this?

Yep, nothing screams anarchy like slightly untidy paperwork.

Here, take this.

This might help.

Toilet paper!

-Rock and roll, my friend.

-BOTH:

-Rock and roll.

Plan Hank is a go!

What is going on?

Wait. You can't exclude me.

All I was doing was just trying to protect my card!

I made it for...

I'll take this and enter it into evidence, Mr Joy.

Exhibit A.

This isn't CSI Westbrook, Ms Adolf.

We've all got better places to be.

Yes, Miss A. Why don't you come with me to the beach?

Break out your bikini.

Just imagine Ms Adolf on the beach.

No! Don't! Don't ever imagine that!

"In order to present a reasonable case for exclusion..."

Blah, blah, blah, blah. "..the following statements must be true.

"Statement one - the pupil shows a poor attitude towards

"teaching staff and their lessons."

Yes, absolutely.

Henry is lazy, unfocused, deceitful and occasionally very rude indeed.

Why can't you be nice just for once?

STUDENTS GASP

Oh, dear, Henry,

you've just landed yourself in detention.

This lunchtime.

You have three seconds to explain.

Oh, I am trying to stay clean

so I look good for my school photo, Miss.

Ugh, the vanity.

If only you showed as much dedication

to your schoolwork as you do to your looks.

Take it off immediately.

Move. Move it.

Mr Zipzer, I see you are tempting to bribe your way to election victory.

No, it's not bribing.

I don't care. Hand one over.

HANK SIGHS

Ahhh!

So much chilli!

There is so much chilli!

There is so much chilli!

Henry...

Hank Zipzer takes the lead. Ten seconds left.

-KIDS:

-Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

-five, four...

-Dig deep, Agnes.

..two, one.

My hair is ruined!

I try to do well at school. I really do!

It's just sometimes my brain just doesn't cooperate.

Well, you have to ask it to cooperate.

Excuse me, Ms A. You know what, Hank?

There are lots of times

when our brains just don't cooperate with us.

Yours clearly wasn't playing ball when it chose that shirt for you.

-Shh!

-SHE CHUCKLES

My wife is waiting for me. I cannot be late.

Let's just exclude the boy and go.

"Statement two - the pupil lacks balance and supportive home life."

Well, wait a minute - that really isn't true.

The Zipzer family, they are great members of the Westbrook community.

Mr Rock is biased

because the Zipzers share his rather lackadaisical attitude to life.

-The family is very far from what one might call the ideal.

-Hmm.

I can't disagree with that.

KIDS CHANT "FIGHT"

This is great, Dad, I am getting loads of tips.

Hi, sorry I am late. I am Mrs Zipzer.

Oh, what a pleasant surprise. I thought you were in hospital.

Hospital?

You know, having your new arm fitted...

It is amazing, isn't it, these new artificial arms.

They look so real, don't they, love?

Yes. Yes, it's incredible what they can do.

When you have lost your arm.

In a salami mincing machine.

May I take a look?

Oh, yes. Yes. Go...go ahead.

Extraordinary. It looks just like real skin.

Wonderful elasticity.

-SHE GROANS

-You can't feel that, can you?

No. No, that doesn't hurt at all.

ALARM SOUNDS

What is going on in here?

Caught, like a diptera in a web.

That is a fly to you.

You crushed my display stand.

A display stand for a poo.

And you scared Katherine.

Scared? Are we forgetting about the net of death?

Enough!

Do you want me to cancel your room decoration?

-No.

-Do you want me to stop you doing your stalls

-at the fair this afternoon?

-No.

Do you want me to ground you for 35 years

and cancel your pocket money and sell all your worldly possessions?

-No.

-No. Well, then, you will learn to share.

-But I just...

-No arguing.

Here we go, it's the big one. In your face, old man!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh!

Right, that is it.

No, no, no, no. I've got to fight in Vegas next.

No, you haven't, you are playing a computer game.

It is a simulator, actually.

I think mine are broken!

Or is it just that you can't take the power of my awesome uppercut?

I am trying to arrange a birthday dinner for your son

and all you have done is play that computer game.

-Simulator!

-Oh, right!

Break! Break!

OK, this is ridiculous.

This is a very good person right here.

He is a good thinker, he takes care of the other kids.

OK, so he gets hyperactive once in a while.

Something you two have in common, perhaps, Mr Rock?

Yes, we do. But we're not talking about kicking me out.

-Not yet.

-What?

Moving on. "Statement three -

"the pupil has no interest in any form of improvement either

"curricular or extracurricular."

What does that mean?

It means you don't care enough about anything to try to do well at it.

Hang on, I've done well at loads of things.

Like, when I got top marks on that spelling test,

even though 'manoeuvre' was one of the words.

Or when I came up with frisball

and everyone wanted it to become the official school game.

Or when I saved the school from Captain Bloodbeard and his men.

Yes, but none of those things actually happened, Henry.

Oh, yeah.

My brain strikes again.

Yes, well,

unless I see some evidence of a better attitude from you

in the next 57 seconds,

I am going to have to exclude you permanently.

Hank...

OK. I'm really sorry about what happened in assembly.

I was just trying to keep my card clean.

Oh, really! What is so special about this card?

It's for someone that I keep on letting down.

Yes! Yes, but who?

You, Miss.

I wanted to give you something nice to say thank you for putting up

with all of my nonsense throughout year,

and I promise that I'll try harder and do better next year.

Right... Yes, well...

You've spelt 'apologise' incorrectly for a start.

-CAR HORN HONKS

-That's my taxi.

Let's get this paperwork signed.

Maybe we are being a little hasty, Headmaster.

What I mean is, shouldn't Henry be made to stay

and work at his shortcomings?

What the blazes are you piping on about?

It might reflect well on you.

You know...

good PR.

Yes, I see your point.

A bad-boy-turned-good story might play very well to the local press.

-Oh, yeah.

-Very well. Yes. Hm.

Very well, Zipzer. You can stay.

See you in September.

If my wife calls, tell her I left 30 minutes ago.

Mr Zipzer, have a great summer.

You too, sir.

Come on, let's go.

What?! No!

No, you can't lock me in my own school!

Wait!

Thank you for standing up for me, Miss. You saved my life.

What have I told you about exaggerating, Henry?

You really are the most infuriating boy.

But...

Thank you for my card. It was, er...

..touching.

I just got kissed by Ms Adolf.

Aaaggghhh!

Hank!

Hey, if I've got to sit through this, you do too.

I want no end-of-term high jinks. No shaving cream...

I had the weirdest, most horrible dream.

-No...

-Fun.

-Yes - no fun.

You look tired, Zipzer. Did you skip breakfast?

No.

You sure? Why don't you have an egg, just in case.

Uh-oh! Here we go again.

But what now?

End-of-term Hank saved the card,

got a detention,

nearly got expelled and

then got a kiss from Ms Adolf.

What would everyday Hank do?

Nicholas McKelty!

My office after school!

Happy holidays, everyone. See you next year!