Papa Pete in Love Hank Zipzer

Papa Pete makes the best ice-cream on Planet Earth,

but right now it's about to hit my face at 50mph.

I still have time to duck, but you know what? I deserve this.

We should probably go back a bit, so I can explain.

A bit further than that.

You basically have to go back to Ancient Rome.

B Plus! Hankster, that is awesome!

How do you know so much about Ancient Rome?

Because of my Papa Pete.

What, did he used to live there?

No, but he knows how my brain works.

The garlic oil here is France.

Chorizo, Spain.

A pyramid of aubergine for Egypt.

A blob of Greece, some turkey.

And in the middle of it all, Caesar.

He's a salad.

And that got you a B Plus?

Yep. It would have been an A but then I got confused

and said that the Empire was surrounded by a cheesy crust.

Your Papa Pete is amazing. He's always doing stuff for you.

Yeah, but I never do anything for him.

Yes, you do! What about that mug tree you made for him?

No, I think I can top that.

How about I buy him a sports car or a swimming pool?

You've got no money.

-Mr Rock.

-Good morning, children.

What present do you think I should buy for my grandad?

That's easy. The best present you can give him?

Spend some time with him.

-Nah.

-Boring.

-That's a terrible idea.

All right. Well, if that doesn't work, ask him what he wants.

I could do that,

but knowing Papa Pete, he'll probably just suggest something small.

That's why I definitely shouldn't ask him.

OK. Good advice. Thanks, Mr Rock.

That's what I am here for.

Now, let me have a taste of this history homework I've been

hearing so much about.

I think I am going to have some Spain.

B plus, Hank, I'm so proud!

I'd hang my head in shame if I sank to the level of a B plus.

What are you looking at the photo album for?

I am trying to find something Papa Pete likes

so I can get him a present for all his help.

Aw, Hank that is really thoughtful.

He still wears that horrible tie, so why don't you get him a new one?

Is it OK if I have a friend round for dinner tomorrow night?

-Sure.

-What's her name?

Robert. He's a new boy in my class.

Ooh. Emily's got a boyfriend!

It's not unreasonable, given he's a presentable boy of my age.

Yeah, it's a lot more fun teasing people

when they actually get embarrassed about it.

That's it!

That's what?

That's what I'm getting for Papa Pete.

Isn't that your gran, who... died?

Medical science has come a long way, Hank, but it can't bring back...

No, I'm going to get him the one thing he is missing in life.

-A girlfriend.

-How old is Papa Pete?

-Like, 110?

-More like 50.

OK, 150.

Old people can still date.

Question is, where do they meet each other?

According to research, most couples meet at work.

Well, he works in the deli, so we need to get some women in there.

But what do women like?

-It's impossible to generalise. We...

-Shoes, chocolate, ice cream.

Let's do this!

Go easy on Robert.

I remember the first time I took you home to meet my dad.

He made you squirm all night.

And now it's my turn!

I wonder what he is going to be like.

Well, I don't know. Emily does have very high standards.

He'll probably be a rocket surgeon or a brain scientist.

If you're going to speak about us,

I suggest you check we're not in the room with you first.

You must be Robert. Welcome!

Emergency exits are situated here and here.

It's good of you to help out Hank, but it's quiet this afternoon.

I've got a feeling that might be about to change.

This was my brilliant plan.

To offer free ice cream, but to women only.

So... Emily's first boyfriend.

Do you like lizards too?

They're all right.

So what's your thing then? Hmm?

Japanese poetry?

Quantum mechanics?

Robert's into sport.

Oh! Let me guess -

croquet.

Football. I like music too.

Jazz? Salsa?

-Peruvian nose trumpet!

-Erm...

Stanley, stop hounding him.

Dad, he's a normal kid that likes normal stuff.

Normal stuff...?

Come on, Robert, Katherine's desperate to meet you.

CLAMOURING

That's it. Out! All of you.

The deli is closed!

-ALL:

-Oh, no...

-Oh, yes. Out!

-Fouri! Fouri!

-Aw!

Come on. Get out! Come on.

Get out of my deli. Thank you very much. Go. Go away.

Hank, are you trying to drive me into an early grave?

How do you know it was me?

Did I spell something on the poster wrong?

Who else would do such a thing?

Who else would give away half my stock for free?

Who else could drive me to throw customers out of my own shop?

I'm sorry, Papa Pete.

I'll pay you back for the ice cream.

No. It's OK.

HE SIGHS

You were just trying to help the business.

Actually, I wasn't. I was trying to get you a girlfriend.

Oh. Good idea.

I'm so sorry. I know it's not what you want,

and now you've got rid of all your ice cream

and you were angry in front of all of those...

Wait. Did you just say that was a good idea?

I did get a couple of smiles and well,

it might be fun to go on a date.

-Really?

-Yeah! Why not?

-I'll put the poster back up then.

-Whoa...

Perhaps next time, I could be a little more selective.

Find the right woman for me.

I know exactly what you're saying.

Internet dating! Follow me.

There's something not quite right about that Robert.

He's too... normal.

Would you prefer it if he were abnormal?

Well, it'd make more sense.

Stanley, are you saying that our daughter's strange?

No. Not strange. Unique.

And Robert isn't. He's up to something.

You can't go through your children's bags!

I'm not going through my children's bags.

I'm going through another child's bag. A-ha! A textbook.

Ooh, a textbook in a school bag. Who'd have thought?

Emily's textbook, with Emily's notes in it.

-I knew it. He's copying her work.

-Where did you get that idea from?

You're forgetting. I used to be a 12-year-old boy.

Er... Used to be?

Could I have a glass of water please, Mrs Zipzer?

Yes. Of course you can.

Are you, er...

Are you having a nice time?

Erm, yeah.

She is great, my Emily. She's beautiful, kind, intelligent...

Cleverest kid in our year.

I bet she helps with your homework.

Some of it.

Some of it? Or all of it?

-Sorry?

-WHISPERING:

-Let's cut the pretence, shall we?

We both know what's going on here.

I... I don't.

OK. Leave the poor kid alone.

Right. You go on through to Emily.

What did you do that for?

I'd almost broken him!

So good of you to help out.

You kids have a lot more computer know-how than I do.

OK. So we've completed your online profile on the dating website.

All you have to do is describe yourself.

OK.

Retired deli owner,

slightly overweight...

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. We need to focus on your good qualities.

They are my good qualities.

Mature businessman.

Mid-40s?

-George Clooney lookalike?

-What?

Seeks a fun-loving woman for laughter and romance.

Done. Now we have to add a photo.

Here's one, from Hank's birthday.

Oh, it's just slightly blurred.

I can find a clearer one.

No. No, we need one that's MORE blurred.

COMPUTER CHIMES Oh. Look at this!

A response already!

BublefanUK.

Likes poetry and dance, wants a man with a sense of humour.

Arrange a date for tomorrow night.

That gives me one day to lose some weight.

And some age.

Off to see Robert again, are we?

We're in the same class, Dad.

I couldn't avoid him if I wanted to. Which I don't.

Just don't get too attached, will you?

You're very young and, well, it might not last.

I'm aware there's a low statistical probability of us staying together.

But that doesn't alter my feelings.

Aw, so romantic.

Hank?

I just came to check if there are any messages from my date.

Let's see...

There is!

It says...

"So sorry. Cancelling the date.

"Got a better offer."

What's the matter, Hank?

Struggling with the words?

No! No! No! It says, erm...

Er... "Can't wait to see you tonight."

What am I going to do?

You could just tell your grandad that his date cancelled.

She dumped him before she even met him. That's HARSH!

No, we need to find a replacement.

-Someone who shares his interests.

-What interests?

Well...he's old. And he likes food.

So we need an old woman who likes food.

The dinner lady? Hank, have you thought this through?

If this plan works, she could end up being my step-grandma.

So, yeah, I have thought it through.

She is a nice lady, but what if she says no?

We'll have to risk it. What else can we do?

Get her on a date without telling her she's on a date?

Thanks, Ashley. Great suggestion!

I wasn't aware it was a suggestion.

Hi, there.

Just wanted to say how much I love your delicious cooking.

Oh. Thanks.

Thing is, my granddad's invented a brand-new lasagne recipe

and he needs someone to test it.

Someone expert.

Mission accomplished.

But what happens when the dinner lady finds out it's a date?

By then Papa Pete will be already working his charms.

-How can it fail?

-Well, it could fail in lots of ways.

OK, no more suggestions now, thank you.

Ah... Mr Zipzer!

Thank you for the appointment.

Not at all.

I pride myself on being available to parents at all times.

-Well, that's good because...

-You have a minute and a half.

Right.

Well, it's about this other boy - Robert? In Emily's class.

Oh. I can't tell you about him.

Oh, you mean it's against the rules to discuss other parents' kids?

-I mean I've never heard of him.

-He's new.

-Oh!

Yeah. Yeah. Here we are.

Robert Bright-Thomas.

Year Eight.

Average grades.

Average! I knew it.

He moves schools a lot.

You mean he keeps getting thrown out?

His father's job I think. Milan, Munich, a season in Newcastle.

Well, I don't want him associating with my Emily at any...

Did you say season?

Father's a footballer or some such.

Bright-Thomas... His dad's in the Premiership!

If you want me to keep him apart from your daughter, class transfer.

-You leave those lovebirds alone!

-Pardon?

Who are we to stand in the way of a blossoming young romance?

Sorry?

If Emily wants to go out with Robert,

possibly marry him one day,

well, then, that's none of your business.

Wow...

Papa Pete? Papa Pete?

You sort out Papa Pete, I'll go check on the food.

-What do you think?

-Have you got a funeral to go to?

It's for the date!

I thought I would knock her off her feet.

That aftershave might knock her off her feet.

Your trying too hard.

You need to be casual, just like you don't care.

-But I do care!

-She can't know that.

Oh, you need to lose the tie.

And the shirt.

I can't take my shirt off!

But you can wear it more casually.

I look like I just fell out of bed.

Exactly. It's perfect.

Please, give me space.

She'll be here any minute.

Bye.

You must be BubleFanUK.

You what love? My name's Michelle.

How lovely.

That was my grandfather's name. I'm Peter.

That's a charming outfit you're wearing.

May I take your coat? And hairnet?

No. You're all right, love. I'm not stopping.

So where's this lasagne?

A lady who wants to get straight to the food! Perfetto!

-Where have you been?

-Just been getting some bits in for Robert.

Y'know, just some snacks and a drink.

Oh, and I bought him a hat.

What do you think, too much?

I thought you didn't like Robert.

Everybody deserves a second chance.

Is that his bag? Is he here?

Why didn't you tell me?

I'll pop in and say hello.

No, no, no, no. No. Snacks first.

Does he like popcorn, do you think?

Phew! How do I look?

-How is the lasagne?

-Well...

..firstly, you chopped the onions too little.

And a little Worcester sauce wouldn't go amiss.

Other then that, very passable. Nine out of ten.

-Erm... thank you.

-Right.

-Well, I'd best be off then.

-Don't go! The night is young.

-I've got gelato.

-And I've got Pilates.

Her name is Michelle. I made her some pasta.

Her beautiful smell, Had my heart racing faster...

No, I'm not following you, love.

The profile said you like poetry.

Profile? What are you on about?

Who's for ice cream?

Well, I shouldn't but... Thank you.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, customers. I'll get rid of them.

Sorry, sir, we're closed.

Er, I'm here to collect the wife.

She's testing a lasagne or something.

-Your wife?

-Yes.

She has a husband?

Most wives do.

That's something I probably should have checked.

She's not here.

She's at that table.

Right, well, I'll go get her. You wait here.

Oh... I'll come in, if you don't mind. It's a bit nippy.

Have some ice cream. Warm you up.

Oi!

Did you make this yourself? It's delicious.

You are delicious.

You're a right charmer, aren't you?

OK, well, I'm glad you've had a nice meal,

but it's nearly Papa Pete's bedtime.

-It's seven o'clock.

-I haven't finished my pudding yet.

You can eat it on the way.

Let me say goodbye.

Belladonna.

Until we meet again.

Oi! Get your hands off her!

And this is where we came in.

Hello, again.

How dare you assault my grandson?

How dare you kiss my wife?

Your wife? She's married?

Am I the only one who knows what the word "wife" means?

Sir, if I knew this lady was married to you,

I would not have dated her.

Dated me? What are you on about?

Your husband has a right to know.

We met on a dating site.

We did no such thing.

I've a good mind to teach you a lesson.

I'd like to see you try.

-Gordon! Pack it in!

-Stop it, everyone!

I can explain.

Please accept my sincere apologies.

You're all right, love.

When I started at that school, they warned me about Hank Zipzer.

Thanks for the lasagne.

-Wow! What a mix-up! Who'd have thought her husband would...

-Hank,

what are you doing to me?

-I thought that...

-You thought? No.

If you did any thinking, you decide not to make a fool of me!

-I'm sorry, but I...

-He's sorry.

Let's see what your mother thinks of this behaviour!

Papa Pete and Mum are talking about me.

I can't make out what they're saying.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

I wish I could.

Then again, do I really want to know?.

That boy is grounded for two weeks!

Yeah...

Yeah, I definitely didn't want to know.

This is strange.

You're the first one here and the drum kit is untouched.

What's going on?

Trust me, whatever it is, I've been there.

I set my grandad up on a date with the dinner lady

and then her husband assaulted me with ice-cream.

I haven't exactly been there...

You were right all along, Mr Rock.

-I should have just spent more time with him.

-Hey...

You can still do that.

Except now he's not going to want to spend time with me.

Your grandfather is not going to stay angry with you.

You had good intentions.

I think he hates me.

It's not you, it's me.

We need some space.

Knock-knock. Hi, there. Drinks and snacks.

Or...half-time oranges so to speak.

-Robert's just leaving Dad.

-Oh, so soon?

-We've split up, Mr Zipzer.

-What?!

You were right, Dad. It wasn't meant to be.

No, no, no, no. I wasn't right. I was wrong.

My schoolwork was suffering.

I only got a B plus.

You can't blame Robert for that.

It's my fault, Mr Zipzer.

I had Emily's textbook in my bag, and somehow managed to lose it.

-No! You didn't lose it. I...

-What?

Nothing.

Give him another chance, Emily.

Look at him.

He's devastated!

It's all right. I'll get over it.

Bye, Emily.

Robert...

LIFT BELL DINGS

-Papa Pete, I'm...

-I'm so sorry.

You're sorry?

Of course. I got you in trouble with your mum.

Now you're grounded. It's not fair.

It is fair. I deserve it.

No, you were trying to help me.

Oh, come here!

-Maybe I can live with you.

-Come on. Your mother's not that scary.

Honestly, meddling in other people's lives. It's unbelievable!

-Your mum's right, Hank.

-No! I mean both of you!

I don't know which one's worse!

Rosa, give them a break. Everyone makes mistakes.

And besides sometimes good things can come from them.

Papa Pete, I can smell that weird aftershave again.

-Are you...?

-What, you think I only got one reply

-from the dating website?

-You got two?

I got 22!

A George Clooney lookalike like me?

I got a date every night for a month.

PHONE BEEPS

She's keen this one.

Big on gelato.

Great, because I changed your dating profile back

to retired deli owner, slightly overweight...

She just cancelled! Hank!

What is that thing?

This is what I spent all night doing.

I'm wondering

whether or not I want you back at Westbrook Academy

-in the autumn at all.

-What?!

You're excluding Henry Zipzer?

What on Earth are you dressed as?

I'm dressed as a guy that's going to love drinking

out of a coconut with a little umbrella.

Wait, you can't exclude me.

All I was doing was just trying to protect my card!

No, you can't lock me in my own school!

WAIT!