Hank's New School Hank Zipzer

I'm packing, in case I need to run away.

Want to know why? Two words -

parents' evening.

The worst night of the year.

Please don't tell me that Hank is at the bottom again this term.

Very well, Mr Zipzer.

-All right, you can tell me.

-Despite my efforts,

I'm afraid Henry is, once again, at the bottom of the class.

And how are his grades?

-Ds and Es.

-Not all of them!

-Oh, and an F.

-Oh, yeah...

-Great.

I try my best with every pupil, Mr and Mrs Zipzer, but some...

are harder to help than others.

Not very popular, Mr Rock.

Must remind you of your touring days.

I suppose you can't blame parents

for wanting to concentrate on the more important subjects.

Mr Joy, music is very important.

If you say so. Where is your paperwork?

Oh... I like to keep things loose.

I like to keep it spontaneous.

Spontaneous?! Oh, no.

There is no room for spontaneity in modern education.

Everything must be planned.

For example, I planned on talking to you for no longer than 30 seconds

and that time is up now, so...

Mr Joy, our son is not doing well.

That's an understatement.

So, what are you going to do about it?

Mrs Zipzer, I am the headmaster.

The big thinker. The visionary.

El Capitan.

I simply don't have time to worry about individual pupils.

So, the question is,

what are YOU going to do about it?

You know, if it helps,

your son Hank is one of my best pupils.

Top of the class.

Yeah, but that's only music. Oof!

No offence.

Some taken.

Is there anything worse than the parents' evening wait?

I don't think so.

Here they come - the world's most disappointed parents.

I have never been so angry!

If you're angry, I am furious!

Angry? That's new. I think I prefer disappointed.

It's like the whole school has just given up on Hank!

No-one gives up on my son!

Hi, Hank.

And as for that Mr Joy - what a patronising little creep!

Come on, love, let's be fair. What about obnoxious, rude and smug?

Wow. They're not cross with me - they're cross with the school!

Best parents' evening ever!

This is my old band mate, Crazy Ed.

And you know what he's doing now?

He's playing a rock solid bass line.

He repeats it over and over and over again, so that I can do this!

PLAYS ROCK RIFF

I'm improvising - making it up -

and I'm able to do that cos Crazy Ed has got my back.

Give it up for the Mighty Axeman Rock!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And give it up for the most fantastic Crazy Ed!

And here comes the fun police.

WHAT is going on here?

Oh, we're having fun and improvising.

But it wouldn't matter to you,

because this is not an important class.

Why do you have handcuffs on your trousers?

All part of the image, man.

And I lost my belt.

Great. No more school for - 7 - 4 + 2...

-..Till tomorrow. And can I smell...

-HANK SNIFFS

Hello, sweetie. Made your favourite - lasagne.

"Brettingham College - our motto is excellence".

Hmm...interesting.

Hey, Geekoid! look what I...

-HANK SNIFFS

-What's that disgusting smell!

I'm creating an organic alternative to fossil fuels

and thus halting anthropogenic global warming.

Emily, are you playing with lizard poo?

Lizard waste does feature in my compound.

Future generations will thank me - and Katherine.

It's her poo.

You see, it's this kind of weirdness

that makes me glad you're leaving Westbrook.

I'm going to Brettingham College? Seriously?!

-DAD COUGHS

-Actually...

-Hank...

But I don't want to go to a new school!

I do! That place looks amazing!

But Westbrook isn't supporting you. The teachers just don't care enough.

-Yeah, they do!

-Name one.

-Mr Rock.

-OK, name another.

Mr Rock cares enough for a whole school of teachers.

Look, at Brettingham College if your grades are low,

you get extra lessons, you get personal tuition, the lot.

What about Frankie and Ashley?

You'll still see them - just not at school.

But it's only having my two best friends there

that makes school bearable!

Just think about it, sweetheart.

I should have known that lasagne was just to soften me up.

There's no way I'm going to that school. No way.

If he won't go, I definitely will.

You can pay for it out of my pocket money.

Luckily, I do have some plans to stop me from leaving Westbrook.

What about...I glue myself to the school, so I can never leave?

You do know that if you can never leave,

then you can never leave, yeah?

Good point. So, how about we take Mr Joy prisoner

until he begs my parents to let me stay?

No? Well, wouldn't it be cool if we trained dogs to fly helicopters?

That really would, but how's that going to help you?

It doesn't, it's just cool.

Hank, you're making this too complicated.

You need something simple and direct that your parents can't ignore.

Like what?

No new school! No new school!

Morning, Hank.

What do we want? No new school! When do we want it? We don't!

You've spelt your placard wrong.

You see? That's another thing.

Brettingham College is just a whole load more words for me to get wrong.

Nice try, Hank. Nice try.

What a great day. Thank you, Ed.

Just like being on tour with the Flaming Rhinos again, eh?

Those were the days! Power to the people, rebellion,

up against the system!

Here we are - two espressos and pastries.

Thank you, Papa Pete.

Can I just say, I'm a huge fan of the Flaming Rhinos.

-Hey. Thank you so much.

-Why are you thanking me?

He was in the band, too - on guitar.

No, Mighty Axeman Rock was on guitar for the Rhinos.

Mighty Axeman Rock is right here, in your place, in the chair!

Ha! Nice try, but Mighty Axeman Rock was a wild animal.

You want to see wild?

I'll show you wild!

Look at that. How about that for wild?

That's not wild. That's vandalism.

Oh, my. Do you have any tape?

Hey! Do you want to see wild?

I got it. Come on. Get up!

Make those pastries to go.

Now, this is wild -

breaking into the headteacher's office.

It's actually not that wild. The door was unlocked,

and you work here.

All right, I'm going to force this man to be spontaneous!

How's your planning now, Mr Joy?

It's a permanent marker.

Oh, yes, it is.

Look at this! How about this?

Yep, nothing screams "anarchy" like slightly untidy paperwork.

Here, take this.

-This might help.

-Toilet paper!

-Rock'n'roll, my friend.

-BOTH:

-Rock'n'roll.

Rock and roll!

-Where did you come from?

-I brought the pastries.

-OUTSIDE:

-Anyone there?

-Hide!

This is so much fun.

Quit your job, come back on tour and we can have this much fun every day.

Down.

Who's there?

Pastry?

What if the headteacher of Brettingham College

sent a letter to my parents,

saying the school is full and there's no place for me?

-How are you going to convince him...

-..Or her.

-..or her to write it?

I don't have to, because we're going to write it.

-Fake letter? Great idea.

-I hope so,

because I'll miss this place if I have to leave.

If you three don't move within the next five seconds,

you're in detention for a week.

Well, maybe not all of it.

So, the last time I went on tour with my band,

I sat in a tub of custard for about three days.

Why?

Because I wanted to see what it was like to be in apple crumble.

Let me just say it was warm... for the first 30 minutes.

-Mr Rock!

-Hi.

I've had some complaints about your abject failure to do lesson plans.

-Complaints? From who?

-From me.

All right. Here's my lesson plan - "teach music".

You need to do more than that.

All right. "Teach music to these cool kids."

It needs to be written down.

Oh. Can someone pass me a napkin?

Not on a napkin! On these forms!

And I want them completed today, by 4.15.

Ed? It's Rock.

You know what you said about touring again?

I'm in.

Wow! This letter is brilliant.

It'll totally fool them.

I wonder if we need a few more big words?

Like..."discombobulation".

Hank, the letter's fine.

I've got to go. Mum recorded a documentary on heart surgery

and we're going to watch it together.

She's making popcorn and everything.

Yeah, nothing says "popcorn" like heart surgery.

Got to go, too. Later, Hank-erator.

HANK SIGHS

Frankie's right. The letter is fine.

But I'm not settling for "fine".

I'm going to use the thesaurus to make this letter super-fine.

Mum and Dad are so going to fall for this.

"Felicitations, Mr and Mrs Zipzer!

"I have some abominable tidings.

"Disastrously, our institution is impregnated...

"and thus, it is nonviable to offer a whereabouts to your urchin."

SHE LAUGHS Let me have a look!

-It's not funny, Rosa!

-Oh, it is quite amusing.

And it shows how much he wants to stay at Westbrook.

Honestly, if that school can't teach him

how to write a better fake letter than that, I don't want him there!

Oh, yeah. I do believe the new place

has much better fake letter writing classes(!)

Moving schools is the best thing for him.

HANK WHISTLES A TUNE

Hey, Hank.

I just got a letter from Brettingham College.

Here we go - my master plan at work.

Oh, no! Does it say it's full and they can't get me in?

What a shame.

Yeah!

It's funny you knew that,

seeing as how I hadn't told you yet.

I've just ripped up my master plan!

Ten out of ten for effort, champ.

This is bad.

This means I have to go to plan C.

And I really don't want to go to plan C.

This is plan C.

-KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Enter.

Ah, Henry Zipzer.

What can I do for you?

Well, I...

I, um...

I...

You "um" and you "er"? How illuminating(!)

Thank you for coming in to tell me that.

HANK SIGHS

I want some extra tuition!

See? Plan C sucks.

I'm sorry, I think I may have temporarily blacked out.

What did you just say?

I said, I want some extra tuition.

Is this a joke, Henry?

Are you filming a television show called "Students Tease Teachers"?

No. But that sounds like a great show.

Then why, Henry?

I thought it might be fun.

I need to get my grades up,

so my mum and dad don't make me leave Westbrook.

An honest answer.

How rare.

Very well - see me after school.

But I warn you...

..there may be tears.

Probably from both of us.

No, the solution is not...

What is that, exactly?

A dog flying a helicopter.

And how does that help with geometry?

I can think of a couple of ways.

I wish I didn't ask for extra tuition.

Believe me, Henry, the feeling is entirely mutual.

I guess I'll just go, then.

Oh, no, Henry. You're not going anywhere.

MR ROCK AND ED JAM

What is that infernal racket?

Racket? That was no racket.

That was two rock gods at the peak of their powers.

Those words make no sense in any order.

We were jamming, Miss Adolf.

Jamming is something the Women's Institute do.

I see no preserves, marmalades or sweet chutneys in here.

Ha! You're funny.

-I am?

-Yeah. Miss Adolf, is it?

Cute name. Ay-dol-f...

Oh. No-one's ever said that before.

Cute name for a cute girl.

MISS ADOLF GIGGLES

Keep the noise down in future.

But if you can't... that's fine.

-Thank you.

-Not you. Just him.

Mr Rock will know what to do.

He always knows what to do.

Henry.

I'm not wrong, she was skipping, right?

Hey, how are you doing? You looking for the Mighty Axeman Rock?

-Yeah.

-He's just popped out to the little boy's room.

He'll be back in a minute.

Oh, it's fine. I just needed his help with something.

-Get it while you can, eh?

-What do you mean?

Old Rock's quitting this place

and coming back on tour with me and the Rhinos.

What? But... No.

He's out of here. Goodbye, Westbrook, hello...

everywhere else.

I'll tell him you called...

..whatever your name is.

I thought Mr Rock would always have my back, but I guess I'm on my own.

I'm all out of ideas.

OK, fine. Mum, Dad, you win.

I'll go to the new school.

Great! You won't regret this, champ.

I'll come in with you tomorrow, to tell Mr Joy.

You could be at Brettingham College by next week.

Are you all right with this, sweetie?

Yeah. I'll just go and tell Frankie and Ashley.

-You will meet new friends, you know.

-Not like those two.

-Do you know who my best friends were, when I was your age?

-No.

Nor do I. I can't remember.

But that's life, Hank.

We all move on, forget things.

I guess.

EXPLOSION EMILY YELPS

Ugh! What is that terrible smell?!

My experiment has had a sub-optimal result.

Here.

-What have you done to Hank?

-Nothing.

He just saw me covered in lizard poo and all he did was...

-help me.

-Are you saying that like it was a bad thing?

It's definitely a weird thing.

And you're OK with going?

-It'll make Mum and Dad happy.

-But will it make you happy?

I guess I'll see you a bit less, but we can still hang out here.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

So, are we going to do what he says and not worry about him?

No way! Because he's not Hank any more.

He's the Amazing Sighing Sad Boy.

Whatever it takes, we can't let him leave. Agreed?

-Agreed.

-Then let's get planning.

I thought my last day at Westbrook

would be the happiest day of my life...

but I don't think I've ever felt sadder.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

Hiya, son.

Look, I know this isn't exactly what you want...

..but it's not really what I want either.

I don't want to split you up from your friends,

but I love you, Hank -

and I don't want to see you sitting on the subs' bench

for the rest of your life.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

Good lad.

Mates?

Mates.

Come on, Hank. Mr Joy's expecting us.

I'm going to miss this place.

That's the chemistry lab I blew up.

That's the classroom I flooded.

I had some of my best ever detentions over there.

Hey...

do you want to say goodbye to Mr Rock?

You need to travel light on the road, Axeman.

Oh, no, Ed. They're coming with me.

Hank?

Come on, Dad.

Let's get this over with.

Mr Rock! You've got to help Hank!

-His Dad's making him leave Westbrook!

-Like, now!

-What?

-We've got to try and stop it happening!

-Wait a minute.

Do you two have something crazy and irresponsible planned?

-BOTH:

-Yes.

-I'm in.

I think it's for the best.

Much better to admit when you've failed - isn't it, Zipzer?

Hey! The only person who's failed round here is this school.

Which...isn't a person as such, but my point still stands.

Plan Hank is a go!

Has anyone got any oxygen?

Sorry, Hank. We couldn't train dogs to fly helicopters...

..But we can do this.

..And this.

Ed, I'm not going on the road with you.

What? You just want to be a teacher?

There's no such thing as JUST being a teacher.

This is the hardest, most fulfilling gig I've ever done.

Here...

What's going on?

-THEY CHANT:

-No new school! No new school!

No new school! No new school!

Frankie and Ashley? Best friends ever.

And now, our protest song.

You fiend!

I won't give in to your torture!

Mr Rock, the coolest teacher ever.

# They tried to take Hank from Westbrook

# Ahh

# We said "don't"

# We glued his feet to the carpet

-# Ahh

-So they won't... #

OK, no more. Please, make it stop!

Make it stop!

Has anyone got a belt?

Or string, or anything?

No?

You guys are amazing!

There's no way my dad's going to make me leave Westbrook,

now he's seen what I mean to you guys and Mr Rock.

Whoa, Hank. Not so fast.

I'm not having you staying at a school run by a man like that.

-But...

-No.

You're not going to get a proper education while he's in charge.

But, Dad, it's like you say,

it's not the manager that wins the games, it's the team on the pitch -

and this is my team.

Well, that does sound like something I'd say. But...

Typical... Henry Zipzer!

What are you doing, hanging around out here,

-like you have nothing to do?

-Miss?

You wanted extra tuition to get your grades up.

Well, your grades are not yet up,

so the torture continues for us both. My classroom, now!

And if I hear one more word about Henry leaving this school

before I've accomplished my mission,

you will be summoned to see me, Mr Zipzer.

DAD GULPS

Well, you heard her. Better get a move on.

Does that mean I get to...?

Oh, there's no way I am crossing her.

And clearly, she cares about you.

Well, maybe "cares" is the wrong word...

I'm staying at Westbrook!

I'm trying to find something Papa Pete likes.

I'm going to get him the one thing he's missing in life - a girlfriend.

Is it OK if I have a friend round for dinner tomorrow night?

-What's her name?

-Robert. He's a new boy in my class.

You must be Robert! Welcome!

Mature businessman, seeks a fun-loving woman...

Let's cut the pretence, shall we? We both know what's going on here.

It's about this other boy, Robert.

Father's a footballer, or some such.

His dad's in the Premiership!

Get your hands off her!