Hank's Birthday Hank Zipzer

-DEMONIC VOICE:

-What on earth do you think you're doing?!

It's my 13th birthday. And this year's present?

Total and utter humiliation in front of my whole class.

It all started yesterday...

So, disco boat down the Thames, slap-up dinner at Burger Town,

then back to my place in a limo for doughnuts in a hot tub.

Frankie, you listening?

Yes, I was listening, just like

the other 15 times you told me this week.

And the last week, and the week before,

and the ten weeks before that.

Still talking about your lame birthday, Zitzer?

For my 13th, my dad hired the London Philharmonic Orchestra

and released a flock of doves into the air,

spelt out "Happy Birthday, Nick."

Even doves can spell better than you.

Wow... Doves at your birthday, Nick?

I'm going to have friends at mine.

Ouch.

Are you sure your parents are going to let you do all this?

It's my 13th. They've got to, right?

No.

But...you don't even know what it is.

Er, is it a list of incredibly elaborate plans for your birthday,

at least one of which involves a trumpet-playing monkey?

No!

Well... No to the monkey, but yes to the other bit.

Hank, you try this every year, and every year we end up eating pizza

at home and really enjoying it.

But this year is different. Nick McKelty had an orchestra

and doves.

-Why do you want doves?

-I don't! I want this.

Hank, we can't afford all this.

Listen, I've been working on a new pizza. It's really nice...

No, no, no. No pizzas.

Well, all right, then. We'll play a few games and watch a movie.

No, that's kids' stuff! I'm 13, not 3!

-Ooh, sorry, Your Royal Coolness.

-You never take me seriously!

You never let me do anything I want, cos you just don't get me!

-Hank, stop being so silly.

-Oh, get lost!

-Hey!

OK, it's pizza at home or nothing.

Fine. Nothing.

Was that his first teenage tantrum?

Yeah, and he's still only 12.

DOOR SLAMS

HE SIGHS

What?

OK, fine, so maybe I did go over the top a little bit, but still,

this is going to be the only 13th birthday I'm ever going to get.

And so far, it's heading for Washoutville.

ACCORDION MUSIC

All right, don't tell me - Miss Adolf gave you detention for not

bowing when she came in the room?

-It's my birthday.

-Happy birthday!

You look very excited about that(!)

My parents are making me have home-made pizza.

The monsters(!)

My parents hired me a clown when I was 13.

-No?

-Oh, yes! I can still hear my classmates laughing.

-The clown was THAT funny?

-They were laughing at me.

OK, you win. Your 13th was terrible.

Oh, no, no, no. It doesn't end there.

So, my parents go to bed.

I throw myself a secret, private party,

very cool, in the garage.

Whoa.

All of a sudden, the speakers explode, the police show up.

I am grounded till I'm 14,

so I say to you, you're going to have plenty of birthdays,

plenty of parties.

All right? Chin up! Up, up, up!

You know what? I think I've just had an idea.

A secret party? What if your parents find out?

I don't think you're getting the concept of "secret".

It'll be in the den. No-one will ever know.

So, what's the plan, genius?

OK, first up, guests.

We send a note around class inviting everyone to a killer party

in the den at 5.30 tonight.

DING! DING! DING!

Then at 3.30, we leave school...

and head to the supermarket, where we get as much food

and drink as we can carry.

Hang on... With what?

My birthday money.

KER-CHING! I'm loaded. Then back home.

Head upstairs, get changed,

and make sure Mum and Dad don't see me.

Then down to the basement to set everything up

and make sure it looks awesome.

Then I head back upstairs...

..to scoff down some pizza and cake for half an hour...

while you two let people into the den and get the party started.

Hello.

I make my excuses, then head down to the den

to be crowned the Party King of the World!

-Easy!

-Yeah, easy.

Course, it only works if you can get through the rest of today

-without getting a detention.

-Trust me, I've got this.

Honestly, Pops, I hardly recognised him. He was like a monster.

Welcome to the teenage years.

I hope you've got a crash helmet.

But being a teenager's no excuse. I never behaved like that.

That's a joke, right?

Have you forgotten when you wanted to dye your hair pink and I said no?

Yes, I suppose I had my moments.

Yes. The moment when your bedroom had to be painted entirely black,

the moment when you wanted to change your name to Electra,

the moment when you came home with your nose pierced.

-Shall I go on?

-No, thank you.

Pop, make yourself useful. Do something with that.

What, no more pizza?

Change of menu.

And so, you see, the water pressure is affected by the density

of the fluids,

much like an understanding of water pressure

is affected by the density of the student.

-NICK LAUGHS

-That's hilarious, Miss.

That's 12 so far.

Pass it down that way.

Make sure everyone sees it, except Nick.

Miss, Henry Zipzer's passing a note.

Henry Zipzer...

would you care to share this fascinating missive

with the rest of the class?

Oh, no! She's bound to put me in detention for this.

Actually, Miss, it's mine.

Hand it over.

I'd rather not, Miss, because it's, er...

a love note.

To whom?

Er, to...

Tyler Smith.

Well, luckily for you, the romantic ramblings of the teenage brain

hold no interest for me.

Bin.

And if I catch any more of you arranging dates in my lessons,

oh, you'll get a date with me - in detention.

Sounds like Nick's ideal night out. LAUGHTER

Silence. Back to the board.

A whole day without getting detention?

-You should get a medal, Hank.

-Thanks!

Now, all I have to do is buy the snacks, set up the den,

get changed, have family pizza,

and then throw the most floor-filling, ear-drum-busting party

anyone has ever been to

in their whole, entire life in the next two hours.

Yeah, we REALLY need to get going.

Ah, the very young people I'm looking for.

You need to come with me, right now.

Surprise!

OK, birthday boy,

I know you were sad cos you didn't have a party,

-so I made one. Rock-style.

-Great...

Come on, let's feed our faces with cake.

And, oh, Cheez-Its!

It's raining Cheez-Its!

Here you go!

Yes, Cheez-Its! Hello!

They are so good.

What's that?

It's for Hank. I thought I'd get him a yoga game, you know,

to help calm his teenage tantrums.

That's a good idea.

But then I saw this!

Boxing?

Yeah, it's got ultra-realistic sound effects and everything. Pow! Pow!

Ha, it's going to be great!

For him, er, you know, I mean...

to help channel his aggression...maybe.

OK, I know that we had a disagreement, Stan,

but you shouldn't pander to him.

I mean, he was in the wrong as well.

I know, but I just feel bad about the argument and...

Hang on, what are those?

Oh, just a few...scallops.

Are we having dinner with Hank or a banquet for the Queen?

Well...I felt bad about the argument as well,

so I'm cooking all his favourites.

Ha! So we both agree that today should be about all about Hank?

Yes, and if it's all about Hank,

then you won't be having a go at that, will you?

I-I-I m-might just have a little go.

Thanks, sir. That was delicious.

Wait a minute, you can't leave now. The fun is just beginning.

Wait till you see the Rock pinata!

Pin-a-what-now?

Yes, it is a Rock family tradition.

It involves blindfolding, candy bars and a big stick.

You're going to love it.

Forget your 13th,

at this rate we're going to be here till we're OAPs.

Hank, everyone's going to be turning up to your party in an hour,

-except you.

-I can't leave now after all he's done for me.

OK, give me your money.

Erm... Is this a stick-up?

Frankie and I will go and get the snacks and get the party set up.

Brilliant, thank you!

Here we go...

Oh, you two are leaving?

Uh, sorry, Mr Rock, but we've got...

Synchronised swimming club!

Very well done.

You know, I didn't peg you two as the type,

but, hey, don't vomit in the pool.

All right, Hank, take a whack.

VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS

THEY MUTTER

Here we go, it's the big one...

-Boom!

-DING-DING!

In your face, old man!

Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!

Agh!

Right, that is it!

No, no, no, no, no, I've got to fight in Vegas next!

No, you haven't. You're playing a computer game!

It's a simulator, actually.

I think mine are broken.

Or is it that you just can't take the power of my awesome uppercut?

I am trying to arrange a birthday dinner for your son

and all you have done is play that computer game.

-Simulator.

-Argh! Right!

Break! Break!

Right, Bruiser, what's left to do?

Well, the table needs laying, and the lamb needs basting, and the fish

needs scaling, and there's party paraphernalia all over the floor.

OK. And what time are the guests arriving?

Guests?

OK, first part of the plan done. Crisps and drinks bought.

So, we get this lot in the den, go and get changed,

get back downstairs

and get the party set up before everyone arrives.

You know what, Hank was right. This is easy.

LIFT BELL DINGS

A-ha! Just the people I was after.

Whoa, OK, to your left.

Your left, the other left.

Ow! You're doing great. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Turn. Turn! There you go... Oh, my goodness.

OK. Fine.

What is going on here?

Would you like to take a turn?

Hitting you?

Don't tempt me, Mr Rock.

I take it you have, erm...permission for this event?

Oh, this is called a party and everyone is welcome.

Even you.

Ah.

Party's over.

Saved by Miss Adolf? Who'd have thought?

Right, there's half an hour till everyone arrives at the party.

My record for eating an entire pizza is five minutes, three seconds.

That's bags of time to eat and get out of here.

Surprise!

Is everything OK? You don't look very happy.

Yeah... Yeah, I just didn't expect Frankie and Ashley to be here.

Well, we just thought since it's your 13th,

that you'd want to celebrate with your two best friends.

She grabbed us in the lift.

-We didn't even get to set up the party.

-Where are the snacks?

Stashed in the den.

Voila. Flash-fried scallops with bacon and cream.

Wow! Thanks, Mum.

At least it's small. Let's just get it down us and get out of here.

-Mm!

-Turning 13 has done nothing for your table manners.

Mm! Mm! Mm!

Thank you very much, everyone. I guess we'll see you later.

No, whoa, whoa, whoa. These are just the starters.

There's more. There's fish and lamb and macaroni cheese.

All your favourite things.

I need to get out of here.

Great! Thanks, Mum,

but I think I'm going to need to put on my stretchy trousers.

Back in a bit.

(Cover me.)

E-Everyone look at me, quickly!

You know what... Don't worry about it.

Well, that was subtle(!)

Hi. Sorry for the wait. PARTY MUSIC

I was hoping to see Ashley,

but if she's not coming, then maybe I should leave.

No, no, no, she'll be here really, really soon. Just, er...

in the meantime, have some snacks.

Everyone loves snacks.

You took your time. Hang on...

You're still wearing the same clothes.

Oh, erm... I was just choosing my birthday...suit.

-Can you guys give me some advice?

-Yeah.

Oh, no, later. The next course is nearly ready.

So, what's up?

One, the guests are already arriving downstairs,

two, we're stuck up here

and C, I've already eaten enough food for two birthdays!

I'm never going to make it.

-Is Tyler there?

-Yeah...but he said he might leave.

Oh. Sorry to cut the party short, but me and Frankie have to go.

We've got...judo practice.

Judo practice?

Yeah, that's our new thing, right, Frankie?

CRASH!

Teenagers are weird.

You know what's a great sport? Boxing!

Stan, we're still eating.

Fish of the day for the man of the hour!

This...is all for me?

Yep, and there's plenty more where that came from.

How do I look?

You look good.

Good or goo-ood?

You look fine.

Wow. I can see why you do so well with the ladies(!)

OK, you look amazing!

Yeah, I know.

Then why'd you ask?!

Oi! What are you two doing down here?

I've just mopped these floors.

Just going to, you know, chill out in the den

to...nail some homework.

Well, make sure you stay out of trouble. And don't scuff my floors.

-Do you think we got away with it?

-Yeah. We played him like a guitar.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

-Ti, Hyler. I mean, hi, Tyler.

-Cool, Ash, real cool.

Oh, hi! I...

LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

McKelty?!

What are you doing here?

Just enjoying Zipzer's hospitality.

-Oops.

-Hey!

Clumsy me.

Ashley, maybe I should leave.

No, we'll sort this out, I promise.

Frankie, get Hank. Quick.

More lamb?

That's right, leave some room for the pudding!

Yeah. Pudding. Whoohoo(!)

PHONE BEEPS

McKelty! No. Right, that's it.

Mm!

Thanks, Mum. Can I have a lie down?

I'm feeling my age.

No, no, no, no, no.

You can lay down when you're dead.

Now it's time for Battle of the Zipzers!

HE GROANS

LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

This party is falling apart. Where's Hank?

Text him again.

Come on, Hank, knock him out, put us all out of our misery.

STOMACH RUMBLES

HE GROANS

My stomach feels like a washing machine full of custard.

Yes! Knockout!

You must be a tennis ball, cos you just got served!

Let's play again.

PHONE BEEPS

McKelty's ruining my party. I've got to get downstairs.

Dad, are you going fishing? Better check your flies.

Eh? What?

That was cheating. I'm not fighting any more.

Hallelujah!

Oh, I, er...better go for that lie down,

let my dinner digest.

-You were rubbish.

-Yeah.

Because he cheated. Cheated! I wasn't looking.

You cheat all the time.

Hank will be here soon, then you'll be sorry.

Oh, I'm SO scared(!)

Cut it out, Nick.

Hooray, Zipzer. Congratulations on the worst party ever.

Well, if it's so rubbish, why don't you just leave?

All right. Lame party, anyway. Let's bounce.

Wow, that was easy.

Yeah, it was. OK, let's party!

Excuse me, sir. I think you should know that

-Henry Zipzer is having a very loud party in there.

-Is that right?

And I don't want to be a tattletale or anything, but I believe

there might be people drinking things they shouldn't be.

Could get a bit out of hand.

Not on my watch it won't.

Oh, what?!

Beaten by a pensioner? How embarrassing.

I thought you weren't playing any more.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I came out of retirement

for one last stab at glory.

Again!

Sorry, I told them to keep it down.

What time is your boy's party finishing in the basement?

Er, you must be confused. Hank's in his room.

I just saw him downstairs.

Stan?

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

This is the greatest party of all time.

This is all anyone's going to be talking about for months!

What's the matter? Can't keep up?

They must be trying to learn my moves.

I call this one the Zipzer Freak-Out.

Uh-oh.

What on earth do you think you are doing?

Look at the state of this place!

I can't believe you would be so irresponsible!

-VOICE ECHOES:

-Did you really think

you could hold a party behind our backs?

Oh... I don't feel right.

All that dancing has made everything

in my stomach swish around like I'm on a boat.

No! Don't think of boats.

Oh, too late.

So, what have you got to say for yourself?

HE VOMITS

Yeah. That's right.

I celebrated my 13th by puking on my mum in front of everyone.

Hiya.

Morning.

DOORBELL RINGS

Here.

You might want to scrape the sweetcorn off.

I hope that boy is in trouble. He should be. If it was up to me...

He's grounded.

Yeah, good. Acting like a little delinquent. They've got to learn.

Yes, we'll tell him. OK, thanks a lot for bringing these up.

Of course, you've got to blame the parenting.

-Sorry?

-You're one of these "huggy-huggy, there, there,

"little Johnny didn't mean to burn down the house" types, are you?

Well, if you mean do I think that teenagers should be allowed

to make mistakes, then yes.

-Yeah. Thought so.

-OK. Right. That's it!

Hank, get your coat, your grounding's over.

We're going out to get you a tattoo.

And a car.

And before you ask, no, you are not going to get a tattoo.

Am I still grounded?

Yes, of course.

OK, no. But you can't ever go behind our backs again.

Do you understand?

Yeah. I promise.

But can I have a party next year?

Yes.

Great!

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over

-and expecting different results.

-What are you doing?

I'm phoning the party boat people. That hot tub won't install itself.

-Hank!

-Hank!

I'm afraid Henry is once again at the bottom of the class.

It's like the whole school has just given up on Hank!

This is my old band mate, Crazy Ed.

"Brettingham College - our motto is excellence."

But I don't want to go to a new school!

Now, this is wild - breaking into the head teacher's office.

Quit your job, come back on tour, we can have this much fun every day.

Do you want to say goodbye to Mr Rock?

You know what you said about touring again? I'm in.