Hank's Birthday Hank Zipzer


Hank's Birthday

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Transcript


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-DEMONIC VOICE:

-What on earth do you think you're doing?!

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It's my 13th birthday. And this year's present?

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Total and utter humiliation in front of my whole class.

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It all started yesterday...

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So, disco boat down the Thames, slap-up dinner at Burger Town,

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then back to my place in a limo for doughnuts in a hot tub.

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Frankie, you listening?

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Yes, I was listening, just like

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the other 15 times you told me this week.

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And the last week, and the week before,

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and the ten weeks before that.

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Still talking about your lame birthday, Zitzer?

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For my 13th, my dad hired the London Philharmonic Orchestra

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and released a flock of doves into the air,

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spelt out "Happy Birthday, Nick."

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Even doves can spell better than you.

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Wow... Doves at your birthday, Nick?

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I'm going to have friends at mine.

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Ouch.

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Are you sure your parents are going to let you do all this?

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It's my 13th. They've got to, right?

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No.

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But...you don't even know what it is.

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Er, is it a list of incredibly elaborate plans for your birthday,

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at least one of which involves a trumpet-playing monkey?

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No!

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Well... No to the monkey, but yes to the other bit.

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Hank, you try this every year, and every year we end up eating pizza

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at home and really enjoying it.

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But this year is different. Nick McKelty had an orchestra

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and doves.

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-Why do you want doves?

-I don't! I want this.

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Hank, we can't afford all this.

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Listen, I've been working on a new pizza. It's really nice...

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No, no, no. No pizzas.

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Well, all right, then. We'll play a few games and watch a movie.

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No, that's kids' stuff! I'm 13, not 3!

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-Ooh, sorry, Your Royal Coolness.

-You never take me seriously!

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You never let me do anything I want, cos you just don't get me!

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-Hank, stop being so silly.

-Oh, get lost!

-Hey!

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OK, it's pizza at home or nothing.

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Fine. Nothing.

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Was that his first teenage tantrum?

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Yeah, and he's still only 12.

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DOOR SLAMS

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HE SIGHS

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What?

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OK, fine, so maybe I did go over the top a little bit, but still,

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this is going to be the only 13th birthday I'm ever going to get.

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And so far, it's heading for Washoutville.

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ACCORDION MUSIC

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All right, don't tell me - Miss Adolf gave you detention for not

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bowing when she came in the room?

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-It's my birthday.

-Happy birthday!

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You look very excited about that(!)

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My parents are making me have home-made pizza.

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The monsters(!)

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My parents hired me a clown when I was 13.

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-No?

-Oh, yes! I can still hear my classmates laughing.

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-The clown was THAT funny?

-They were laughing at me.

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OK, you win. Your 13th was terrible.

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Oh, no, no, no. It doesn't end there.

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So, my parents go to bed.

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I throw myself a secret, private party,

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very cool, in the garage.

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Whoa.

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All of a sudden, the speakers explode, the police show up.

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I am grounded till I'm 14,

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so I say to you, you're going to have plenty of birthdays,

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plenty of parties.

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All right? Chin up! Up, up, up!

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You know what? I think I've just had an idea.

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A secret party? What if your parents find out?

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I don't think you're getting the concept of "secret".

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It'll be in the den. No-one will ever know.

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So, what's the plan, genius?

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OK, first up, guests.

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We send a note around class inviting everyone to a killer party

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in the den at 5.30 tonight.

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DING! DING! DING!

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Then at 3.30, we leave school...

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and head to the supermarket, where we get as much food

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and drink as we can carry.

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Hang on... With what?

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My birthday money.

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KER-CHING! I'm loaded. Then back home.

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Head upstairs, get changed,

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and make sure Mum and Dad don't see me.

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Then down to the basement to set everything up

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and make sure it looks awesome.

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Then I head back upstairs...

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..to scoff down some pizza and cake for half an hour...

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while you two let people into the den and get the party started.

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Hello.

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I make my excuses, then head down to the den

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to be crowned the Party King of the World!

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-Easy!

-Yeah, easy.

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Course, it only works if you can get through the rest of today

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-without getting a detention.

-Trust me, I've got this.

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Honestly, Pops, I hardly recognised him. He was like a monster.

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Welcome to the teenage years.

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I hope you've got a crash helmet.

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But being a teenager's no excuse. I never behaved like that.

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That's a joke, right?

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Have you forgotten when you wanted to dye your hair pink and I said no?

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Yes, I suppose I had my moments.

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Yes. The moment when your bedroom had to be painted entirely black,

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the moment when you wanted to change your name to Electra,

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the moment when you came home with your nose pierced.

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-Shall I go on?

-No, thank you.

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Pop, make yourself useful. Do something with that.

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What, no more pizza?

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Change of menu.

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And so, you see, the water pressure is affected by the density

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of the fluids,

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much like an understanding of water pressure

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is affected by the density of the student.

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-NICK LAUGHS

-That's hilarious, Miss.

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That's 12 so far.

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Pass it down that way.

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Make sure everyone sees it, except Nick.

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Miss, Henry Zipzer's passing a note.

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Henry Zipzer...

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would you care to share this fascinating missive

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with the rest of the class?

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Oh, no! She's bound to put me in detention for this.

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Actually, Miss, it's mine.

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Hand it over.

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I'd rather not, Miss, because it's, er...

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a love note.

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To whom?

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Er, to...

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Tyler Smith.

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Well, luckily for you, the romantic ramblings of the teenage brain

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hold no interest for me.

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Bin.

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And if I catch any more of you arranging dates in my lessons,

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oh, you'll get a date with me - in detention.

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Sounds like Nick's ideal night out. LAUGHTER

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Silence. Back to the board.

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A whole day without getting detention?

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-You should get a medal, Hank.

-Thanks!

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Now, all I have to do is buy the snacks, set up the den,

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get changed, have family pizza,

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and then throw the most floor-filling, ear-drum-busting party

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anyone has ever been to

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in their whole, entire life in the next two hours.

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Yeah, we REALLY need to get going.

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Ah, the very young people I'm looking for.

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You need to come with me, right now.

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Surprise!

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OK, birthday boy,

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I know you were sad cos you didn't have a party,

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-so I made one. Rock-style.

-Great...

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Come on, let's feed our faces with cake.

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And, oh, Cheez-Its!

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It's raining Cheez-Its!

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Here you go!

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Yes, Cheez-Its! Hello!

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They are so good.

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What's that?

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It's for Hank. I thought I'd get him a yoga game, you know,

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to help calm his teenage tantrums.

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That's a good idea.

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But then I saw this!

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Boxing?

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Yeah, it's got ultra-realistic sound effects and everything. Pow! Pow!

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Ha, it's going to be great!

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For him, er, you know, I mean...

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to help channel his aggression...maybe.

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OK, I know that we had a disagreement, Stan,

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but you shouldn't pander to him.

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I mean, he was in the wrong as well.

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I know, but I just feel bad about the argument and...

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Hang on, what are those?

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Oh, just a few...scallops.

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Are we having dinner with Hank or a banquet for the Queen?

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Well...I felt bad about the argument as well,

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so I'm cooking all his favourites.

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Ha! So we both agree that today should be about all about Hank?

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Yes, and if it's all about Hank,

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then you won't be having a go at that, will you?

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I-I-I m-might just have a little go.

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Thanks, sir. That was delicious.

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Wait a minute, you can't leave now. The fun is just beginning.

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Wait till you see the Rock pinata!

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Pin-a-what-now?

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Yes, it is a Rock family tradition.

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It involves blindfolding, candy bars and a big stick.

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You're going to love it.

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Forget your 13th,

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at this rate we're going to be here till we're OAPs.

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Hank, everyone's going to be turning up to your party in an hour,

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-except you.

-I can't leave now after all he's done for me.

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OK, give me your money.

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Erm... Is this a stick-up?

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Frankie and I will go and get the snacks and get the party set up.

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Brilliant, thank you!

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Here we go...

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Oh, you two are leaving?

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Uh, sorry, Mr Rock, but we've got...

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Synchronised swimming club!

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Very well done.

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You know, I didn't peg you two as the type,

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but, hey, don't vomit in the pool.

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All right, Hank, take a whack.

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VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS

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THEY MUTTER

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Here we go, it's the big one...

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-Boom!

-DING-DING!

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In your face, old man!

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Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!

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Agh!

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Right, that is it!

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No, no, no, no, no, I've got to fight in Vegas next!

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No, you haven't. You're playing a computer game!

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It's a simulator, actually.

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I think mine are broken.

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Or is it that you just can't take the power of my awesome uppercut?

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I am trying to arrange a birthday dinner for your son

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and all you have done is play that computer game.

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-Simulator.

-Argh! Right!

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Break! Break!

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Right, Bruiser, what's left to do?

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Well, the table needs laying, and the lamb needs basting, and the fish

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needs scaling, and there's party paraphernalia all over the floor.

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OK. And what time are the guests arriving?

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Guests?

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OK, first part of the plan done. Crisps and drinks bought.

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So, we get this lot in the den, go and get changed,

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get back downstairs

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and get the party set up before everyone arrives.

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You know what, Hank was right. This is easy.

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LIFT BELL DINGS

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A-ha! Just the people I was after.

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Whoa, OK, to your left.

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Your left, the other left.

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Ow! You're doing great. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

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Turn. Turn! There you go... Oh, my goodness.

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OK. Fine.

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What is going on here?

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Would you like to take a turn?

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Hitting you?

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Don't tempt me, Mr Rock.

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I take it you have, erm...permission for this event?

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Oh, this is called a party and everyone is welcome.

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Even you.

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Ah.

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Party's over.

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Saved by Miss Adolf? Who'd have thought?

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Right, there's half an hour till everyone arrives at the party.

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My record for eating an entire pizza is five minutes, three seconds.

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That's bags of time to eat and get out of here.

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Surprise!

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Is everything OK? You don't look very happy.

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Yeah... Yeah, I just didn't expect Frankie and Ashley to be here.

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Well, we just thought since it's your 13th,

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that you'd want to celebrate with your two best friends.

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She grabbed us in the lift.

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-We didn't even get to set up the party.

-Where are the snacks?

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Stashed in the den.

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Voila. Flash-fried scallops with bacon and cream.

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Wow! Thanks, Mum.

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At least it's small. Let's just get it down us and get out of here.

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-Mm!

-Turning 13 has done nothing for your table manners.

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Mm! Mm! Mm!

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Thank you very much, everyone. I guess we'll see you later.

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No, whoa, whoa, whoa. These are just the starters.

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There's more. There's fish and lamb and macaroni cheese.

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All your favourite things.

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I need to get out of here.

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Great! Thanks, Mum,

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but I think I'm going to need to put on my stretchy trousers.

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Back in a bit.

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(Cover me.)

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E-Everyone look at me, quickly!

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You know what... Don't worry about it.

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Well, that was subtle(!)

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Hi. Sorry for the wait. PARTY MUSIC

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I was hoping to see Ashley,

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but if she's not coming, then maybe I should leave.

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No, no, no, she'll be here really, really soon. Just, er...

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in the meantime, have some snacks.

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Everyone loves snacks.

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You took your time. Hang on...

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You're still wearing the same clothes.

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Oh, erm... I was just choosing my birthday...suit.

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-Can you guys give me some advice?

-Yeah.

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Oh, no, later. The next course is nearly ready.

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So, what's up?

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One, the guests are already arriving downstairs,

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two, we're stuck up here

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and C, I've already eaten enough food for two birthdays!

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I'm never going to make it.

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-Is Tyler there?

-Yeah...but he said he might leave.

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Oh. Sorry to cut the party short, but me and Frankie have to go.

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We've got...judo practice.

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Judo practice?

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Yeah, that's our new thing, right, Frankie?

0:15:260:15:29

CRASH!

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Teenagers are weird.

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You know what's a great sport? Boxing!

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Stan, we're still eating.

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Fish of the day for the man of the hour!

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This...is all for me?

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Yep, and there's plenty more where that came from.

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How do I look?

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You look good.

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Good or goo-ood?

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You look fine.

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Wow. I can see why you do so well with the ladies(!)

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OK, you look amazing!

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Yeah, I know.

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Then why'd you ask?!

0:16:020:16:03

Oi! What are you two doing down here?

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I've just mopped these floors.

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Just going to, you know, chill out in the den

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to...nail some homework.

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Well, make sure you stay out of trouble. And don't scuff my floors.

0:16:140:16:18

-Do you think we got away with it?

-Yeah. We played him like a guitar.

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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

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-Ti, Hyler. I mean, hi, Tyler.

-Cool, Ash, real cool.

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Oh, hi! I...

0:16:330:16:34

LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

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McKelty?!

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What are you doing here?

0:16:370:16:39

Just enjoying Zipzer's hospitality.

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-Oops.

-Hey!

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Clumsy me.

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Ashley, maybe I should leave.

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No, we'll sort this out, I promise.

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Frankie, get Hank. Quick.

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More lamb?

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That's right, leave some room for the pudding!

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Yeah. Pudding. Whoohoo(!)

0:16:590:17:02

PHONE BEEPS

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McKelty! No. Right, that's it.

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Mm!

0:17:250:17:26

Thanks, Mum. Can I have a lie down?

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I'm feeling my age.

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No, no, no, no, no.

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You can lay down when you're dead.

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Now it's time for Battle of the Zipzers!

0:17:360:17:41

HE GROANS

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LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

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This party is falling apart. Where's Hank?

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Text him again.

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Come on, Hank, knock him out, put us all out of our misery.

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STOMACH RUMBLES

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HE GROANS

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My stomach feels like a washing machine full of custard.

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Yes! Knockout!

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You must be a tennis ball, cos you just got served!

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Let's play again.

0:18:210:18:23

PHONE BEEPS

0:18:250:18:27

McKelty's ruining my party. I've got to get downstairs.

0:18:310:18:34

Dad, are you going fishing? Better check your flies.

0:18:340:18:37

Eh? What?

0:18:370:18:38

That was cheating. I'm not fighting any more.

0:18:410:18:44

Hallelujah!

0:18:440:18:48

Oh, I, er...better go for that lie down,

0:18:480:18:51

let my dinner digest.

0:18:510:18:53

-You were rubbish.

-Yeah.

0:18:540:18:56

Because he cheated. Cheated! I wasn't looking.

0:18:560:19:00

You cheat all the time.

0:19:000:19:02

Hank will be here soon, then you'll be sorry.

0:19:030:19:05

Oh, I'm SO scared(!)

0:19:050:19:07

Cut it out, Nick.

0:19:090:19:11

Hooray, Zipzer. Congratulations on the worst party ever.

0:19:110:19:14

Well, if it's so rubbish, why don't you just leave?

0:19:140:19:18

All right. Lame party, anyway. Let's bounce.

0:19:200:19:24

Wow, that was easy.

0:19:270:19:28

Yeah, it was. OK, let's party!

0:19:280:19:31

Excuse me, sir. I think you should know that

0:19:350:19:38

-Henry Zipzer is having a very loud party in there.

-Is that right?

0:19:380:19:42

And I don't want to be a tattletale or anything, but I believe

0:19:420:19:45

there might be people drinking things they shouldn't be.

0:19:450:19:48

Could get a bit out of hand.

0:19:480:19:50

Not on my watch it won't.

0:19:500:19:51

Oh, what?!

0:19:580:20:00

Beaten by a pensioner? How embarrassing.

0:20:000:20:03

I thought you weren't playing any more.

0:20:030:20:05

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I came out of retirement

0:20:050:20:07

for one last stab at glory.

0:20:070:20:09

Again!

0:20:090:20:10

Sorry, I told them to keep it down.

0:20:100:20:12

What time is your boy's party finishing in the basement?

0:20:120:20:15

Er, you must be confused. Hank's in his room.

0:20:150:20:18

I just saw him downstairs.

0:20:180:20:20

Stan?

0:20:210:20:23

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:20:250:20:27

This is the greatest party of all time.

0:20:310:20:34

This is all anyone's going to be talking about for months!

0:20:340:20:38

What's the matter? Can't keep up?

0:20:400:20:43

They must be trying to learn my moves.

0:20:430:20:45

I call this one the Zipzer Freak-Out.

0:20:450:20:47

Uh-oh.

0:20:560:20:58

What on earth do you think you are doing?

0:20:580:21:01

Look at the state of this place!

0:21:010:21:03

I can't believe you would be so irresponsible!

0:21:030:21:07

-VOICE ECHOES:

-Did you really think

0:21:070:21:09

you could hold a party behind our backs?

0:21:090:21:13

Oh... I don't feel right.

0:21:130:21:16

All that dancing has made everything

0:21:160:21:18

in my stomach swish around like I'm on a boat.

0:21:180:21:20

No! Don't think of boats.

0:21:200:21:22

Oh, too late.

0:21:230:21:25

So, what have you got to say for yourself?

0:21:250:21:29

HE VOMITS

0:21:290:21:31

Yeah. That's right.

0:21:410:21:43

I celebrated my 13th by puking on my mum in front of everyone.

0:21:430:21:47

Hiya.

0:22:010:22:03

Morning.

0:22:030:22:05

DOORBELL RINGS

0:22:050:22:07

Here.

0:22:160:22:17

You might want to scrape the sweetcorn off.

0:22:190:22:22

I hope that boy is in trouble. He should be. If it was up to me...

0:22:220:22:25

He's grounded.

0:22:250:22:26

Yeah, good. Acting like a little delinquent. They've got to learn.

0:22:260:22:30

Yes, we'll tell him. OK, thanks a lot for bringing these up.

0:22:300:22:33

Of course, you've got to blame the parenting.

0:22:330:22:35

-Sorry?

-You're one of these "huggy-huggy, there, there,

0:22:350:22:39

"little Johnny didn't mean to burn down the house" types, are you?

0:22:390:22:42

Well, if you mean do I think that teenagers should be allowed

0:22:420:22:45

to make mistakes, then yes.

0:22:450:22:47

-Yeah. Thought so.

-OK. Right. That's it!

0:22:470:22:50

Hank, get your coat, your grounding's over.

0:22:500:22:53

We're going out to get you a tattoo.

0:22:530:22:56

And a car.

0:22:560:22:57

And before you ask, no, you are not going to get a tattoo.

0:23:030:23:06

Am I still grounded?

0:23:060:23:07

Yes, of course.

0:23:070:23:08

OK, no. But you can't ever go behind our backs again.

0:23:100:23:15

Do you understand?

0:23:150:23:16

Yeah. I promise.

0:23:160:23:18

But can I have a party next year?

0:23:190:23:22

Yes.

0:23:260:23:27

Great!

0:23:270:23:28

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over

0:23:280:23:32

-and expecting different results.

-What are you doing?

0:23:320:23:34

I'm phoning the party boat people. That hot tub won't install itself.

0:23:340:23:37

-Hank!

-Hank!

0:23:390:23:41

I'm afraid Henry is once again at the bottom of the class.

0:23:420:23:46

It's like the whole school has just given up on Hank!

0:23:460:23:49

This is my old band mate, Crazy Ed.

0:23:490:23:52

"Brettingham College - our motto is excellence."

0:23:530:23:56

But I don't want to go to a new school!

0:23:560:23:58

Now, this is wild - breaking into the head teacher's office.

0:23:580:24:02

Quit your job, come back on tour, we can have this much fun every day.

0:24:020:24:06

Do you want to say goodbye to Mr Rock?

0:24:060:24:08

You know what you said about touring again? I'm in.

0:24:080:24:12

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