Camouflage Hank Zipzer

(Do you ever wish you had a superpower?

(Like the power to be invisible?

(Because right now I'd do anything

(to just disappear.)

Unfortunately, my real superpower is the ability to end up

in mad situations like these.

HE SNEEZES

How did I get here this time?

Oh, yeah. It all started with World War I...

SIRENS AND MUFFLED SPEECH

So you can see exactly how difficult it was to speak wearing

one of these gas masks.

MUFFLED SPEECH

Henry, you know full well we can't hear you.

Now, tell us precisely what you said.

I said, "Mmfff mmff mmmffff mfff."

Settle down! I'm glad you all find it so funny

because your history project is to write

an essay on life in the trenches of World War I.

You have three weeks and no excuses.

Three weeks sounds like a long time, right?

Well, believe me, it can go really quickly.

Especially when your brain keeps on trying to find something

more interesting, like building an army of erasers...

..or building a replica of The Tower of London out of mashed potato...

..and then invading the potato Tower Of London.

And that's three weeks gone.

Why does my brain keep on doing this to me? Come on brain, anything?!

And then to complicate things there were Emily's tonsils.

-Interesting.

-"Taking Your Child To Hospital."

Do you really need that?

I know having your tonsils out is only a minor operation

but she's going to be worried about it. You need to be brave, too.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Really?

Do you want to talk about when you insisted the doctor

made you have gas and air?

That was a very stressful procedure.

I was the one giving birth!

You know your not very good with anything medical.

But we've got to be there for Emily.

Just remember, calm and supportive.

Hey! Here she is, my brave little tiger cub!

Roooaaaar! Rooaaar!

Too much? Too much.

Hi, love, how are you feeling?

Fine. It's only a tonsillectomy. It's a very common operation.

It's not like I'm having endoscopic coronary bypass surgery or anything.

No need to give me all the medical details.

I've packed some extra homework for myself

and some light reading for Katherine.

Oh, love, you can't take Katherine with you.

-Why not?

-Because she's a lizard.

So, me, Frankie and Ashley have got the whole flat

to ourselves all evening.

I've been planning it for weeks.

I've saved up all my pocket money for snacks and drinks.

Mum thinks we're doing our history projects

but obviously I do need to do that but...

..it's the whole flat to ourselves!

-Hank can do it.

-Do what?

-Look after Katherine.

-BOTH: No way!

-On top of looking after himself?

-His friends will be with him,

-he'll be fine.

-I'm not putting myself out

for that disgusting scaly reptile

or her lizard!

He can barely look after himself,

-let alone a creature of superior intellect.

-How hard can it be?

I could do it with my eyes closed, standing on my head, asleep.

-No, you couldn't.

-Yes, I could.

-Great, settled then.

-Is it?

-It is?

Well, it is unless we want to be late for the hospital.

I'll have to leave written instructions.

Now, no junk food and your dinner's in the fridge.

Two locusts and mealworms for supper.

Sounds delicious! I am trying to give up the mealworms, though.

For Katherine. Honestly, if he's not even going to take it seriously...

No, no, he will take it seriously, won't you, Hank?

OK, so we'll be home before bedtime.

Papa Pete will be here at eight.

Make sure you finish your history project.

Wait! Did I just agree to lizard-sit the walking handbag?

If anything happens to Katherine,

I'll make your life a living nightmare.

Apparently I did.

So, Operation Party Time, phase one complete.

-Emily's gone to hospital.

-I can't wait, dude!

-Yeah!

I hope they let her bring her tonsils home so I can examine them!

But, obviously, tonight's going to be way more exciting than tonsils.

Settling in? How are you feeling?

Fine. Yeah, my heart rate is steady.

-Breathing feels normal.

-Good.

Why don't you sit down, think some happy thoughts?

I don't need to sit down, I'm fine.

Anyway... Now, we're running a little behind today,

so make yourself comfortable and we'll get to you as soon as we can.

-Oh, thank you, nurse.

-I'll be back in a bit.

What on earth are you doing?

I'm just helping my special girl to undress.

Thank you, but I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself.

Yes, yes, of course you are.

So I am just going to have a little chat with your child...

..you, in clear and reassuring language about

what is going to happen.

I think she knows what's going to happen, love.

Yes, but just in case.

So, the nice doctor is going to come

and give you some gas to put you into a lovely deep sleep.

They're called anaesthetists.

And these days the anaesthetic's usually administered through

an intravenous cannula through the back of the hand.

-It's basically an injection.

-Ooooh!

I'm just going to go and put another meter in the car.

Welcome to Zipzer's Parent-free Zone.

The cola's warm, the pizza's on ice.

The other way around. It's time to party!

ROCK MUSIC

HE SCREAMS

Hold on. It says here in Emily's instructions

that Katherine should be in bed no later than 8pm.

"Otherwise it could adversely affect her biorhythms".

I guess bedtime's cancelled.

BEEPING

Dad's laptop!

No-one panic, no-one panic!

BEEPING

OK, it's Mum...

..on video call.

Now you can panic.

-Where's Katherine?

-Oh, it's you.

How is she? Has her anxiety rash flared up?

Put her on, I want to speak to her.

Uh-oh! I've got no idea where she even is!

-You just missed her.

-You haven't even checked her, have you?

Of course I have. I er...

..put her to bed, just like in your instructions.

I don't believe you. Mum, Dad, Hank is an unfit guardian.

We have to go home.

No, we don't. Hank's taking good care of her, aren't you, Hank?

Hank, have you eaten? Have you finished your project?

It's looking very tidy in there.

-Have the others gone home?

-BOTH: Hi, Mrs Zipzer.

-How did it go?

Did they use high-energy laser beams or was it a cold steel procedure?

Neither, they put the operation back till tomorrow.

Hey, let me speak to him.

-Oh, what was that?

-Let me have a word.

Erm... Ding-dong! Oh, that must be Papa Pete.

Better get the door. Bye!

Hi, Hank. Oh, he's gone.

That was close.

-Yeah, guess the party's over, better get home.

-Me too.

Wait, aren't you going to help me with my history project?

Hank, it's due in tomorrow morning!

I know! It's nearly finished.

I mean, it's nearly started...

In fact, I've been nearly starting it for days.

I hate to say it, dude, but this time you're in deep.

And then it hit me.

CHIRPING

I've done it again, haven't I?

How am I going to do three weeks' work in one night...

..with MY brain?!

I don't know. You usually come up with something.

Yeah, it can't be that hard. What's yours on?

Oh, you know, just a medical study

of the effects of gangrene, trench foot and other common war wounds.

Nothing special.

I've done some annotated graphics of the major battles.

Well, they're just drawings, really.

I'm so dead.

Hank!

So why wasn't I invited?!

Right, early start tomorrow, so time to settle down for the night.

Who's staying? Mum or Dad?

Oh, we thought we were both staying.

-Fine, I'll just wheel another bed in, we've got loads spare.

-Great!

-Oh, you're being sarcastic, aren't you?

-Yeah.

Oh, OK, well, in that case, I'll stay, obviously.

-How did you work that out?

-Because I'm not the one who asked the doctor

if they knew exactly which bit he was going to be chopping off.

-You can't be too careful!

-(Calm and supporting environment!)

I'm calm! My middle name is calm.

Calm? Your middle name is Mark.

Is it possible to not let either parent stay?

BOTH: We're both staying. Still only one bed.

This is terrible, Hank.

I'm sorry, Papa Pete.

No, this pizza, it's not even stone baked.

Come on, let's get this place tidied up,

then we'll see about your project.

I know you'll think of something.

I don't have time to tidy and do my school project

and look after locust breath.

HE GROANS

Wait, where is Katherine?

Oh, no, no, no! I can't lose her!

Emily will kill me!

-Eh, Hank?

-What?

-Look closer.

There you are! I couldn't see you.

Hold on.... I couldn't see you.

I've got it! I know what to do for my project!

Thank you, Katherine.

Eugh! Gross!

Have a nice sleep in the chair?

-Fine, yeah. It's very comfortable.

-Good.

Hello. Hi, Emily, I'm Anita. I'm...

-The Ear, Nose and Throat surgeon, yes.

-Yeah, that's right.

I'm sorry we didn't get to you yesterday,

but this really is a very simple, quick procedure. It takes...

On average between 25 and 35 minutes.

Although recovery does take considerably longer,

usually two to three hours.

Wow! You're very well informed.

Should I be worried about my job?

I think I'm probably more suited to being a nuclear physicist or

a quantum mathematician, something a bit more challenging.

-Was there anything else?

-Um, I guess not.

Hello, hi, I'm Rosa, her mummy.

I think she's a bit apprehensive about the anaesthetic.

Really? Because I didn't get that.

-That's because I'm not.

-Yes, no, I know you say that

but it says here that deep down you actually are.

I think it might be time to put the book down now, love.

She's just making things worse.

That really didn't come out the way I meant it to.

Erm, yes, I wanted to ask you something about the anaesthetic.

So, Emily says there's some sort of needle involved, is that right?

-Wait, you actually did your project?

-In one night?

Yep, Papa Pete helped me with the words.

-And it's got a great demonstration!

-What's it on?

The use of camouflage in warfare. It's brilliant.

It was Katherine's idea.

Did I really just say that out loud? I'm turning into my sister.

-Eugh!

-And you've brought the lizard with you?

In the container made out of pizza boxes?

Like I say, brilliant.

Except, in Emily's instructions it said that

under no circumstances should you take Katherine out of the flat.

Emily says a lot of things I don't listen to. Let's not start now.

-My blood pressure's usually 101 over 64.

-Bingo.

-So it's time for a cannula?

-Just a little scratch.

-Oh, I can't watch!

-Stan! It'll be all right, love.

I know.

There, all done.

Soldiers in World War I got the...

..the idea of cam...

cama...

..camouflage from animals

that blend into the background.

Look, there's some other stuff written down here

but who needs words

when you've got a live demonstration about how amazing

animal camouflage is?

Ta da!

Congratulations, Henry, it's an empty box.

Exactly, camouflage!

No, Hank, it really is just an empty box.

I don't believe it, she's gone!

Enough! Not only have you not completed your project,

but my classroom now smells of pepperoni.

One week's detention.

But, Miss Adolf, Emily's lizard was in there, she's escaped,

-we've got to find her.

-Not even you would be irresponsible enough

to bring a live lizard into school.

-But, Miss, I so would.

-You already have one week's detention,

do you want another for ludicrously lying about lizards?

No, Miss.

It's OK, it's OK, you're fine.

-What happened?

-You fainted.

-Really?

-Yep, you went down like a tree.

Timber!

Those of us who didn't faint, we had to scrape you up off the floor.

-Oh, oh!

-Stay there, we don't want you fainting.

Again.

I've got to help Emily get ready for her operation.

She's gone in. She's fine.

She was worried about you

because you fainted.

Pickled herring and sauerkraut, the lunch of the Gods!

Katherine was definitely in the box when class started, so she's got to

-be in there somewhere.

-Does Adolf ever actually leave that room?

She'll get deep-vein thromboses if she sits there too long.

She's in Adolf's bag!

We've got to get to Katherine before Adolf does!

So then you lower me from the ceiling and I grab Katherine.

Once I give the signal you winch me back up into the ventilation system,

all while Miss Adolf is distracted by a dancing robot.

-Sound like a plan?

-Yeah, or I just distract Miss Adolf

and you run in and grab Katherine.

Yeah, well, that does sound a bit complicated.

-Frankie?

-What she said, obviously.

Miss Adolf! I just heard some girls boasting about using multiple

-sheets of toilet paper!

-Two sheets maximum, that's the rule!

Lead the way, Miss Chen!

Piece of cake!

En garde!

SCREAMING

She's escaped, again!

Thanks to you I nearly turned the cleaning lady into a kebab.

She did scream a lot, maybe we should go back and check that she's OK.

If I find out you're up to something young lady...

Hurry up, Hank! I think I can see her!

Just give me a few more seconds!

There she is!

OK, Katherine, let's not do anything silly now.

You've got so much to live for.

She's coming, get out of here!

What do I do? Save myself or save the lizard?

Here we are again. I'm still not invisible.

HE SNEEZES

I know someone's here.

-Oh!

-Miss Adolf, sorry to disturb someone as senior as you

but there's been an incident in the toilets

involving one of the cleaning staff and a sword.

Hmm, really? How very odd.

She's very upset.

And with your sense of authority and a deep and womanly compassion

I wondered if you might help me calm her down.

Well, I suppose I could...

..just briefly.

Now, I'm officially dead.

HAUNTING MUSIC

Come on, love, why don't you have a lie down, eh?

Thanks, Stan, my head's killing me.

-I was talking to Emily.

-Right, let's run you a nice hot bath.

-Oh, that would be nice.

-I was talking to Emily.

-Maybe we should just go back to the hospital

-BOTH: No!

Hank!

Where's Katherine?

Emily's never going to forgive me.

I can't believe I didn't grab Katherine when we had the chance.

Now she's gone. Unless...

What if I get a new one? They all look the same, don't they?

-Not really.

-Well, I'll find one that does.

And pay for it how? They cost a fortune and you spent all your money

on our big night in, remember?

Hank, there's only one way to put things right.

Invent a brain-bending machine that will make Emily forget

she even had a lizard!

Yeah, I know, I've got to tell her the truth.

It's all right, me and Ashley will come with you, safety in numbers.

Thanks, guys, but I think I need to do this on my own.

This is going to be hard.

I've lost Emily's best friend.

Just imagine if somebody lost Frankie or Ashley.

Hank, you've got to do this.

HE SIGHS

Miss Adolf?!

So, Hank, what have you got to say for yourself?

Look, I know I'm in trouble about my project

but there's something I need to say first.

Emily, I've lost Katherine.

I took her to school.

I know it was stupid and now I've lost her forever

and it's all my fault.

-But I'll do anything you want!

-Anything?

-Anything!

-So, basically, you'll be my slave?

-Yeah.

-What do you think, Katherine?

-Katherine?!

Yes, I found her hiding, no, camouflaged behind a filing cabinet.

I must say I did enjoy our short time together.

An admirable species, tough-skinned, cold-blooded and eats live prey.

So it seems I owe you an apology, Henry...

Did I just hear that right?

..for not believing you when you said

you'd brought a live lizard into class.

Oh! Well, apology accepted.

However, for bringing a live lizard into class,

another week's detention.

You have two in total.

So, because Katherine's OK does that still mean...?

Slaves should report for duty at 7am.

HE SIGHS

Well, everything's pretty much back to normal.

Katherine doesn't have any emotional scars from being with Miss Adolf,

Emily's back to her usual annoying self.

HE SIGHS

The good news is she's finding it hard to speak because of her throat.

BELL RINGS

The bad news is, she's finding a way around it.

BELL RINGS Coming!

Coming, master.

Hank, we can't afford all this.

You never let me do anything I want!

My parents are making me have home-made pizza.

The monsters!

I think I've just had an idea.

A secret party? What if your parents find out?

No-one will ever know.

All I have to do is to do is buy the snacks, get changed, set up the den,

have family pizza and then throw the most floor-filling,

eardrum-busting party anyone has ever been to

in their whole entire life.

ALL: Surprise!

HOOTING

Party's over.