Valentine's Confusion Hank Zipzer

No sliding.

Just getting in some practice.

I want to hit ten metres, this Valentine's dance.

Last year's dance was brilliant -

I got three cards, ate 17 heart-shaped cookies

and hit eight metres on the knee slide.

'So, Valentine's, bring it on!'

Is it that time of year already? Right.

If you are experiencing romantic feelings for a special someone,

then my advice would be to ignore them.

No good will come of it.

However, if you simply MUST

commit your over-sentimental feelings to paper,

please remember the rules.

She does this every year.

You wouldn't think there would be rules

about sending Valentine's cards -

but this is Miss Adolf.

No glitter, no hearts, no animal pictures.

Animals do not experience love.

Bears do not like cuddles, they like eating people.

I have no idea what she's talking about.

I guess she doesn't like bears.

BEAR SOBS Oh, no!

No acronyms, especially no SWALKs.

I mean, who would kiss an envelope? Totally illogical.

Just wake me up when this is over.

I can't BEAR this!

BEAR it - get it?

BEAR SOBS

I've got a list of 15 girls I could ask to the Valentine's dance,

so I need to narrow it down.

Madinah has the cutest laugh, but Kaysha has super shiny hair.

Megan once gave me peanut crisps

and you've got to love a girl who gives you peanut crisps.

It's a tough decision. How's your list going?

There's only one name. That is not an impressive list.

I only want to go with Anya. But what if she says no?

Yeah, that would be a disaster.

Being turned down is definitely NOT a thing.

It'd be less pressure to ask a friend.

With a friend, you can eat 17 cookies

without worrying about over-burping.

I know what you mean. The fun without the stress.

Problem is, I don't really have any friends who are girls.

-What?

-Yeah, he's right. It's always just us three.

-But...

..I'm a girl...

What's with the searchlight?

have they finally let you make this school into a prison?

Very droll, Mr Rock, I'm sure.

It's for the dance on Friday.

This will eliminate any and all dark corners.

Dark corners encourage decadence.

Could you please turn that off?

OK, what about decorations?

The kids would love streamers, balloons...

This and a sign reminding the children there's to be no touching

are really all the decoration that is required.

You are such a romantic(!)

OK, OK... What about fun food?

-You know, candy in the shape of...

-No candy.

-No candy?

-A selection of sliced vegetables in fun arrangements.

My carrot stack is something to behold.

Your what?

My carrot stack.

It is Valentine's, Miss A. It is romantic.

Don't you think the kids deserve more than vegetables

and the brightest light in Britain?

Mr Rock, who exactly is organising this event?

Me or you?

Both of us.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Oh? Since when?

Since you mentioned the immortal words,

"carrot stack".

Oh!

No, I'm not going to let him get away with it.

OK, I've made a decision. I'm taking Maiya off the list,

because she's so tall, I get neck pains looking up at her.

She is awesome though, and I don't mind looking up.

Yeah, she's back on the list.

I've decided - I'm definitely going to ask Anya.

Dad says, "Fortune favours the brave".

You do realise he was talking about football, not girls?

I've got to at least try.

There's...something about her.

I can't explain it, but... it's there.

Well, if you're asking her to the dance,

then you also need to send her a card.

-And that's a whole new minefield.

-It is?

-Yeah.

GUNFIRE

I was just going to make her one.

Well, handmade IS a thing this year.

But if you want my advice, just buy one from the shop.

Because if you get it wrong, handmade can be a bit...

You know what I mean?

Totally.

I have literally no idea what he means.

Mr Joy, I always arrange the extracurricular activities -

excellently and alone.

I'm really very busy.

Mr Rock has to go.

He wants to fill the hall with red balloons!

The children are already giddy.

I saw two year 11s holding hands today.

This kind of behaviour cannot be encouraged.

Would balloons encourage it?

Yes! As would cake.

I really don't know why he wants to be involved at all.

Maybe he's drawn to you -

like a moth to a flame.

The only thing that man is drawn to is mischief!

I need you to work together -

quietly, without involving me.

Bzz!

Hank! Anya's on her way over.

OK, Hank. You can do this.

Take a deep breath, check your hair...

I'm sorry!

No, it's my fault. I'm awful at judging distances.

It's better when I wear my glasses, but I'm always losing my glasses.

Especially when I'm nervous and I'm really nervous,

because I like you, even if you do look funny with your mouth open.

Also, will you be my date to the Valentine dance?

Yes, absolutely, definitely, that would be completely, totally...

-I'm going to stop talking now.

-Cool.

I have to go, cos otherwise I'll say something really embarrassing.

Like that looking at the back of your head

is my favourite part of double French.

See, I said it.

Bye!

It won't be a surprise if you leave it out like this.

-It's not mine.

-It's Hank's.

He bought it from Cardz with a "Z" at 16.14 this afternoon.

-What are you working on, Emily?

-Oh. It's about you two.

Oh. Why do I feel a bit nervous?

I'm doing a study on 21st century human behaviour.

This chapter is on relationship customs.

-Is it for school?

-No, for fun.

Valentine cards have just got pinker over the years.

I mean, what's the day really about?

-Romance.

-Money.

Oh, right... Yeah. Yeah, money.

That's why we don't make a big deal about it.

-It's just another day.

-Mmm.

Now, don't forget,

when you write the card, it's got to be anonymous, but not too anonymous.

Anya has to know it's from you, without knowing it's from you.

-Got it?

-Absolutely.

What card did you pick?

-It's pink, and it's got a skipping panda on it.

-A panda?

Yes?

Nice. Pandas are a thing - for girls, obviously.

Not for dudes.

Phew, cos I wasn't sure what she would like.

-Girls can be so confusing, don't you think?

-Totally.

You both know I'm a girl, don't you?

Yeah, but...not really.

I mean, cos like, girls, are like girls and you're like, Ashley.

I am like a girl, because I am a girl.

Always have been, always will be.

Not that either of you have ever noticed!

Girls be crazy.

So, one minute, we're talking about Valentine's cards,

the next, she's shouting at me about being a girl.

It's like there's a zombie virus going around

that's making everyone act weird.

You know what girls are like about Valentine's Day.

When you're Ashley's age, it's a big deal.

It's up there with your first bra.

You think I should do something to cheer Ashley up?

Sounds like it.

I could give her first sniff of the sports socks

I've been keeping in my locker since Christmas.

I WAS saving that for me and Frankie, but...

Um...maybe not that. But something.

I know it's hard being a boy, Hank, but it's tough being a girl, too.

I can't let one of my best friends feel that bad. So...

What was that thing Frankie said?

"Anonymous, but not too anonymous"?

Wait till your mum sees this.

You and Mum said Valentine's Day was a way for companies to make money.

We said that, but...

Mum seemed pretty sure she didn't want to make a fuss.

Well, saying you're going to do one thing and then doing another

is just something that adults do sometimes.

People behave so unscientifically.

Trust me, your mother is probably on the phone now,

ordering me a dozen red roses -

real ones, not plastic.

Now, watch this - the piece de resistance.

-PANDA:

-'I wuv woo.'

The subject seems to be experiencing temporary insanity.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Wow, thank you!

I thought we weren't going to get sucked into all the commercialism?

Ha-ha! As if! Now, watch this.

You might want to prepare yourself.

-PANDA:

-'I wuv woo.'

-Wow!

And you had better prepare yourself, Stanley Zipzer,

for having your socks knocked off

by the romantic things that I have got prepared for...

Yeah.

Hey, Hank - I got my skirt stuck in my lunch box.

I can't get it out, so I'm going to see if I can get it to be a thing.

I've got my outfit planned for the dance.

It doesn't involve a lunchbox, in case you were worried.

Bye.

What?

Hi. I was just borrowing one of your markers.

Make sure you return it.

-I label all my pens.

-MR ROCK LAUGHS

Oh, you really do label all your pens.

Thank you very much.

Thank you so much, it was a pleasure to see you.

Oh, Mr Rock...

Like a moth to the flame, indeed.

Oh, an acronym.

Aren't you all lucky I'm feeling tolerant?

And it's misspelt.

S-W-A-L-C...

Must be Henry.

Anya, here's your mis-acronymed card from Henry.

Oh, look.

-Henry sent two.

-You sent two?!

Ashley, here's your mis-acronymed card from Henry.

I think something really bad might be about to happen.

This was the best, most glittery Valentine's card I'd ever seen.

And then, I saw there were two.

-I just...

-I can't go to the dance with you.

And now, I'm going to leave,

before I cry.

She might not be the only one.

Nice knowing you, Hank.

Um, about the card...

I sent it cos... I know you're a girl.

Right. Good. Just because I hang out with you and Frankie all the time

doesn't make me a boy.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

But just because I was annoyed about that, doesn't mean...

Um...I mean, I do like you...

Wait, you like me?

Yes...?

Uh-oh.

Even though I don't want to, I'm going to have to say...

I...like you too?

-Oh.

-So, are you two a thing now?

Are you going to go to the dance together?

-Um...

-Don't know.

-Yeah.

-I suppose.

Oh... I was joking...

but next time, tell me a bit earlier.

I like to know when a thing is a thing.

I can't believe this is happening.

Well, it looks like somebody has changed her tune.

When Cupid fires his bow, who are we to repel the arrow?

Do you need the school nurse? Are you OK?

Never better.

That's good, cos we have a lot of work to do.

We're going to stay late.

The man is completely smitten.

What if we ate at 5.30?

Hello, love!

So, I was thinking that maybe

we should postpone Valentine's until tomorrow.

-You didn't wait too long to book a table, did you?

-No.

That would be silly, cos then all the tables would be booked.

DOOR OPENS

HANK GROANS AND SOBS

Er... What's up with you?

Nothing!

Yeah, I can see that(!)

I accidentally invited Ashley to the dance.

Well done, son. Ashley's great.

She'd make a wonderful addition to the family.

Stan, they're kids.

We're not exactly at the "addition to the family" stage yet.

And we never will be.

I've known for her ages. I've seen her pick her nose.

You can't go on a date with someone if you've seen them pick their nose.

-This is all your fault, Mum.

-What? How is it my fault?

You told me to try and do something to cheer Ashley up,

so I sent her a Valentine's card.

-I didn't mean do that!

-I give up!

MUFFLED SCREAMS

Good, I bought pizza.

The food of love!

You know, I'm pretty sure that's music.

You would say that, wouldn't you?

MISS ADOLF GASPS

Why are you smiling like that?

And could you please stop?

ALARM CLOCK RINGS

ALARM STOPS

Only a few hours until the worst dance of my life.

I'll be feeling awkward with Ashley, and wishing I was with Anya.

I think the smart thing to do in this situation

is stay in bed all day.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

Hank? Come on, you're not staying in bed all day.

Every time.

I like the "no touching" sign.

Miss Adolf demanded that they be 12 font sizes larger than last year.

She's a woman who understands how passions can be inflamed.

You're joking, right?

OK, OK, you're not joking.

Who could fail to fall under the spell of such a glittering goddess?

Do you think she got my card?

William, I think tonight is going to be a lot of fun.

So, guess what? Matthew Tomkins asked me to the dance.

I said I was going with you, but then I thought about it and...

You'd rather go with him?

-Yeah.

-Thank goodness!

-But I thought you liked me?

-I thought you liked me.

You sent a card - with a panda on!

It's a panda of friendship.

Look, shall we just pretend none of this ever happened?

-Good plan.

-So, are we good?

Yeah. She's going with Matthew Tomkins.

Solid choice. But the question is, who are you going with?

She's just SO tall...

Well, looking up is cool - and besides, you need a date.

-Everyone has a date. It's a th...

-OK, I get it.

Do you want to go to the Valentine's dance with me?

No, I'm going with Ollie.

-She's going with Ollie.

-Makes sense, he's massive.

Looks like you ran out of luck.

But do you have to have a date?

He really does.

Then the date doesn't have to be an actual date.

If it's just about arriving with a girl... Well, then...

This is a new low.

Mum, I am not going with Hank.

-I have a date.

-DOORBELL RINGS

No, THIS is a new low.

MISS ADOLF GASPS

A tender rose, for a tender rose.

-MUFFLED:

-Whmmm-hmm...

-What?

What are you doing?

Don't way a word, my angel.

Let me just drink you in.

My goodness, your hair is so glossy.

It's like a cocker spaniel.

Mr Rock, I really don't think that...

Don't say a word...

MISS ADOLF SQUEAKS

..because I have something very important to say to you.

It was Bill the caretaker that sent you the card, not me.

Honestly...

..the lengths some men will go to to hide their true feelings.

'I'm trying really hard not to think about

'everyone at the dance having fun.

'I'm trying even harder not to think about Anya.'

I'm failing.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

Extra spicy salami?

Averagely spicy salami didn't seem enough for this situation.

Thanks.

This is hot!

Hank, when have you ever followed the rules?

But...if I go on my own, everyone will just look at me.

Yes. When you first walk in, by yourself, everyone will stare -

for a second -

then, they will turn and look at something else.

ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC

Happy Valentine's Day!

Oh, and wait...

-DOG:

-'Ruff! I'm barking mad about you.'

That is ridiculous -

-and exactly what I wanted!

-LAUGHTER

How did you know what I was thinking?

I don't know. A good wife just does.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC GRINDS TO HALT

DANCE MUSIC RESUMES

Why aren't you here with Ashley?

I didn't send the card because I "like" like her.

I sent it because she's my friend and I was worried I'd upset her.

That's...actually really sweet.

Do you want to dance?

ROMANTIC MUSIC

CHEERING

'OK, back to reality.'

If you want to knee slide, I don't mind.

I know you want to break your record.

Actually, there's something I'd like to do more.

Even I've got rules about some things.

I know having your tonsils out is only a minor operation,

but she's going to be worried about it.

-Hank can do it.

-Do what?

-Look after Katherine.

-On top of looking after himself?

How hard can it be?

Mum, Dad, Hank is an unfit guardian. We have to go home.

Ta-dah!

Congratulations, Henry. It's an empty box.

Exactly - camouflage!

No, Hank. It really is just an empty box.

I don't believe it! She's gone!

Where's Katherine?

Now, I'm officially dead.

DEATH CACKLES