Ballot Box Blunder Hank Zipzer

It's Thursday morning, I'm hugging my worst enemy,

and I'm about to make the whole school hate me on purpose.

How do these things keep on happening to me?

'It'll make more sense if we go back to when it all began.'

Wow! Westbrook Academy headmaster of the month! What an honour.

He's just given himself that award.

On the subject of contests, a seat on Westbrook's school council -

admirably chaired by Ms Adolf - has become vacant.

Candidates will campaign for the next two days followed by...

Speeches? Speeches?!

Did I agree to speeches?

Apparently there'll be speeches on Thursday,

followed by a vote.

Anyone who wants to take part should sign up with Ms Adolf

after assembly. Dismissed.

Wow, school council? What kind of supergeek would sign up for that?

Emily on the school council! Is that a good idea?

I can think of a worse one.

No way!

We can't let McKelty win.

Just imagine what that monster would do with actual power.

Yuck!

I hate the taste of shoe polish.

That would make more sense if you knew what I was imagining.

Anyway, McKelty must be stopped.

I want to be on school council.

Hey, that is great, Hank. You're going to make a great councillor -

-you have got so much compassion.

-Thanks.

-No.

-What do you mean, no?

-Why no?

Putting aside my own personal feelings on the inadequacies

of democracy as a political system,

the headmaster said you were to sign up at the end of assembly.

-No, he didn't.

-I'm sorry.

No, he didn't. What Mr Joy said was students can sign up AFTER assembly

and you will notice by my watch, it's after assembly.

That's not what he meant.

Yeah, but that's what he said.

Very well. Congratulations, Mr Zipzer,

you are now a candidate for election to school council.

-You're standing for school council?!

-Mm-hmm.

-Against McKelty?!

-Yep. What's for dinner?

Both our kids running for election, just like their old dad.

Oh, here we go...

I ran for secretary of my college crossword club.

Came a very honourable third. Need a hand?

No. Not unless you can make sense of this anomaly.

I'm running some data on my chances of winning.

And?

It says I'll only get two votes.

Sounds a bit high to me.

I don't know why you're so smug.

According to my projections you're still coming second place to McKelty.

Haven't even started my campaign yet.

I've got some amazing ideas, see?

The Vote-inator. It lets you vote ten times at the same time.

Congratulations, you've just revolutionised electoral fraud.

I'll dig out some old campaign stuff

and we'll smash those McKeltys together.

Stan, can we have a chat?

-I've got some badges in here somewhere.

-Stan, I really think...

Posters! You need posters!

Stan!

STAN!

I think it's best if maybe we don't interfere this time.

Eh? Why not?

Well, you know...

the kids are growing up. They need to start making their own mistakes.

Let them mess up this election without our help.

You two know we can hear you, right?

You're really not that far away.

Vote Hank Zipzer on Thursday

and I promise I'll stop shaking your hands.

Vote Emily Zipzer for more homework, shorter break-times

and a longer school day.

Are you sure this is all you want to do? Shake hands?

Yeah, it's more than enough.

Look, I'm up against McKelty and Emily, not Simone Green.

I love that shirt.

You wouldn't stand a chance.

How can a year seven be so cool?

She scares me.

I was expecting more from you -

fireworks that spell out "Vote Hank"' or something.

-Trust me, it'll be...

-HORN HONKS

Vote McKelty, the name that you can trust.

That name again - McKelty.

Vote McKelty for free sweets every day.

That name again - McKelty.

-Oh...

-My...

-Golf cart!

Free sweets! Now THAT is how you win an election.

McKelty means business.

My place. Tonight. Brainstorm.

Mr Rock! They said I'd find you here.

Ah, Miss Zipzer!

What do you think of my new wheels?

My first confiscation. Pretty great, huh?

Very nice.

What can I do for you?

People like you. You're...popular,

and I was wondering how you do it.

Well, the first thing I do is I don't try to be popular.

-Right...

-Not everybody's going to love you in this world,

but if you make one new friend a day, by the end of the year

you're going to have a wheelbarrow full of Christmas cards.

365.

366 if it was a leap year.

You are so smart.

But what if you've only got 46 and a half hours?

Be yourself, be authentic.

You will be surprised how many people want to be your friend...

and vote for you.

OK, great advice. Thanks, sir.

You're welcome.

Plan B it is then.

Simone Green, meet your new best friend.

Write it down!

No, I am not writing down "Hank you very much".

Why not?

One, it's rubbish,

two, it's not going to help you get elected

and three... Those two reasons are enough!

There's no right answers in a brainstorm.

Don't you mean there aren't any WRONG answers in a brainstorm?

What did I just say?

Right, I'm going home to see if there's any dinner left.

-Hey, Frankie.

-Ah! Mr Zipzer!

How's it going?

I'm off to bed for a read. I'm nearly finished.

Have you got to the bit where Lance, the heart-throb vampire,

-sacrifices himself for love?

-No.

Oh, sorry.

OK, night, kids. Night, Stan.

And no interfering in the election.

No, of course not, love. Night!

Dad, we need ideas for this election.

The best we've got so far is getting Ashley's mum

and dad to stitch "Vote Hank" into their patients.

That would DEFINITELY get my vote.

Dad, help me!

No, I have already promised your mum...

-Dad, please!

-Hank, I'd love to help but...

Please, Dad. If you don't help us then Nick McKelty will win.

OK, follow me.

Wow! This is...

-Weird?

-..amazing!

Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Get comfy - we'll be here a while.

Hank? Hank? Hank?

HANK!

-Where's Frankie and Ashley?

-They gave up around midnight.

Wimps! What do you think?

What happened to not interfering?

Oh, come on. The boy was going to lose to McKelty.

Sometimes there's a value to losing,

especially if you lose for the right reasons.

That's just something people say to losers to make them feel better.

-Ah, the cakes!

-Cakes?

Oh, yeah, for Hank to give out.

I was going to ice "Vote Zipzer" on them.

Once I'd learnt to, you know, ice.

-Morning.

-Morning, Emily.

What are you wear...?

Er... Do not interfere. Do not interfere.

-Is it fancy dress day at school?

-Hank!

-What?

-Shhh!

-But...

-Enough!

-But...

-Finito!

Not to worry, you can always

pick up some unburnt pastries at the deli, can't he, love?

Erm, yeah.

Um, and you, Emily.

No ,thank you.

I won't join a political culture that uses bribery to win votes.

You look different, love. New glasses?

What?

And I'm thinking, "I like Harry but I really like Kieron."

Kieron is fit!

But then I'm thinking, "Do I like Kieron? Cos his dancing is lame!"

Yeah. That boy's a fool, you know.

And then I'm thinking, "I don't like no boys in that band.

"They're over!"

They're done.

Finito.

So, anyway, I bought this well nice top the other day.

Finito?

Who's Finito?

No campaigning in the corridor! Move along!

I said move along! Grr...

I am a little stuck.

Three-point turn didn't turn out so well.

I'd heard rumours but I didn't think even you would be ridiculous

enough to be travelling around school on a golf cart.

You should get one!

You can go from the staffroom to your classroom in no time flat.

That is provided ,of course, you didn't have to turn around

-because you forgot your maracas.

-I wouldn't dream of it.

No, of course not. A woman of your stature

would never travel without her maracas.

You made that sound like a compliment

but I know full well it wasn't.

Good day, Mr Rock.

How about a little help here?

No!

Vote McKelty. Vote McKelty. Only the best can give YOU the best.

Vote McKelty on Thursday.

Free pastries. Free pastries.

Don't forget to vote!

Take it easy! There's plenty more where these came from.

Dad, he's putting up more of a fight that we thought.

'Need I remind you that you're a McKelty, Nicholas.

-'McKeltys don't lose to Zipzers.'

-Yes, sir.

'You do whatever it takes, but win!'

Do you know what I would really love right now?

Cheesy chips.

Yeah! Cheesy chips are wicked.

Cheesy chips...

Be nice to blow out biology and go shopping.

Double biology? Double boring.

They should have some magazines in the library, you know.

Something interesting to read for a change.

They should put a TV in there.

Yes!

Something of an improvement, I'd say, Zipzer.

Yeah, I'd say so too! Cheers, Nick.

OK, who wants cannoli?

And can we count on your vote tomorrow?

Move. Move it.

Mr Zipzer...

I see you're attempting to bribe your way to election victory.

No! It's not a bribery...

I don't care - hand one over.

HANK SIGHS

Mmm...

Aaaah!

So! Much! Chilli!

So much chilli!

There's so much chilli!

You, hand me the fire extinguisher!

My mouth is burning.

Ah!

HE WHEEZES

McKelty! He'll do anything to win this thing.

That's it!

I'm sorry, Mr Joy, but you've failed

the Vote Zipzer Hot Cannoli Challenge.

Who will be the first to conquer the Italian inferno?

Nice one, Zipzer. Nail that speech tomorrow and this election's yours.

The speech! I knew I was forgetting something.

Can we help you?

Yeah, I was thinking, I'm running for school council...like, whatever.

Bo-ring.

Totally, but I was thinking, I may as well try and win it

and get some cool stuff done.

Like, if I can be bothered.

What kind of cool stuff?

Well, I was thinking there should be cheesy chips, like, every day.

Even though they're full of saturated fats which has been

linked to a high risk of cardiovascular disease...

But, like, whatevs.

What else?

I think we should do double shopping instead of double biology.

Well, you've got my vote, whatever your name is.

Take a seat. Move up, Adele.

Cool cart.

Thanks. Listen, between you and me, it hates wheelies.

Do you have any idea what this is for?

Nope.

Neither do I.

So, how can I help the future Councillor Zipzer?

Well, I've got this speech tomorrow for the election campaign...

And you've waited all this time to start writing it?

That sounds so unlike you, Hank(!)

All right, let me ask you a question.

Why do you want to be on the student council?

-OK, sure.

-Mm-hmm.

That's worrying.

Struggling? OK, let's try another one.

Why did you sign up in the first place?

To beat McKelty.

Good. Give me another reason.

Ah. This sounds like when I wanted to be in a band

and I thought that it meant making music and changing people's lives.

What was it really about?

-WHISPERED:

-The parties.

Hank, it is important that you know -

do you really want to do this?

HANK SIGHS

What's going on?

This bedroom is so, like, lame.

Oh, I see.

Is this about having your new little friend come round?

Simone Green isn't little. She's totes wicked.

"Wicked"?

Totally wicked and, more importantly, really popular.

Huh? Why's that important?

If Simone Green likes me then her crew will vote for me

and if her crew vote for me, then that school council seat is mine.

But that's...

No.

Don't interfere, don't interfere.

Because of her I'm, like, actually ahead of McKelty in the polls!

If she enjoys tonight, I'm on that school council fo' sho'.

Fo' sho'? What has happened to you, Emily?

You sound...silly.

Whatever. Chill, Mum. Yeah?

OK, whoever you are, sit down!

-But...

-Sit down.

Sweetheart, if you have to pretend to be somebody else to win

the election, then you're not really winning, are you?

Someone else is.

What happened to not interfering?

And YOU can stop looking at me like that.

What about...

Vote Hank for less homework,

no school uniform and, erm...

Two lunch breaks!

Yes!

I'll draw three sandwiches on a cue card to help you remember.

Three?

Yeah. One extra for me.

Hiya. Do you need any help with your speech?

Emily keeps telling me to go away...I think.

No, we're good thanks, Dad.

Oh, OK.

Oh, listen, I've got something for you - it's my lucky pen.

I used this bad boy the first time that I...

Completed a crossword?

..fished my lucky pants out from behind the radiator.

I want you to have it tomorrow when you get on that stage

and you beat Nick McKelty, OK?

OK. Thanks, Dad.

Don't chew the end of it.

I definitely won't.

And this is where I, like, hang.

-It's kind of all right.

-Thanks!

Or whatevs.

You like him?

Yeah. He's great, isn't he?

Well, he WAS great. Like, last week.

What's this?

Oh, it's nothing. It's...

Is that your lizard?

Course not... That lizard is totally lame!

Oh, I can't do this. Yes, Katherine is my lizard!

She's my friend and I love her more than anything

and now you hate me because you think I'm a geek, don't you?

No, she's cool.

Really?

OK... Speech time.

I'd wish you luck, but I don't think you need it.

Luck... My Dad's pen! I must've dropped it!

I'll be right back.

Hey, Simone. What was Emily's place like?

I'll bet it was proper lame.

No, man, it was all right.

I know I've let the family down, Dad,

but there's just no way I can win the election now.

I'm sorry.

Hello? Dad?

Dad?

Happy now, Zipzer?

You have no idea what it's like to have a parent that puts you

under so much pressure to succeed.

I've got a pretty good idea.

No, really succeed.

I wanted to win this election so he might, you know, like me.

HE SNIFFLES

Wow!

I'm not sure I've ever wanted anything as much as he wants this.

I'm so sorry, Nick.

I didn't realise it meant so much to you.

-TANNOY:

-All candidates please make their way to the stage.

All candidates to the stage.

HE SIGHS

And so, in closing, I say once again for those who may have missed it

the first couple of times, join me in making Westbrook the Bestbrook.

Thank you.

-Did he really say that Bestbrook line five times?

-Mmm.

If you are still awake after that...

Here's Henry Zipzer with his speech. Let's hope it's quick.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I can't believe that I'm about to do what I'm about to do.

Thank you. You all know me - Hank Zipzer, class clown.

Always getting in trouble, playing the fool.

Well, enough's enough.

Once I've got your vote I'm going to get this place

back on the straight and narrow.

A vote for Hank Zipzer is a vote for more homework,

shorter break-times and a longer school day.

Why is Hank using my old policies?

He said something about "not wanting it enough". The boy's gone crazy.

Maybe it's a personality-changing brain virus!

We've all been coasting for far too long

and it's high time we started taking care of our education.

Vote Hank Zipzer - Not Too Cool For School.

BOOING

Well, that all went perfectly.

Maybe democracy's got something to be said for it after all.

Yeah, so like, I've got something I want to, like, say to you...

I don't actually speak like that.

And I don't hate school or want cheesy chips.

Or shopping - unless it's for textbooks.

And I like biology.

No, I LOVE biology.

And I really, really love lizards.

I've been misleading you all.

And finally the last speech - thank goodness. It's Emily Zipzer.

I'm pulling out of the race for school council.

Oh, my days!

Well, nice knowing you, loser.

Do you know what?

I would like a lizard.

I want a lizard.

Oh, I want a lizard.

I really want a lizard.

Lizards are cool.

So, obviously Nick McKelty won the seat on the school council...

much to Frankie and Ashley's dismay.

I've seen some strange things in my life, Hank,

but that speech was something else.

What does it feel like to be a loser, Zipzer?

Actually, you don't know what it feels like NOT to be a loser.

Congratulations, Nick. I hope your dad's proud of you now.

I can't believe you fell for that nonsense. All a total act.

Ah, Mr McKelty - congratulations on your victory.

See you on Saturday.

Saturday, Miss?

The next school council meeting - every other Saturday, ten till two.

Full school uniform.

Saturday? Saturday!

Now THAT is what you call a near miss!

So, Valentine's, bring it on!

Is it that time of year already?

It is Valentine's, Ms A.

Will you be my date to the Valentine dance?

Yes!

BEAR: I wuv you!

-Are you going to the dance together?

-Yeah?

-I suppose.

Ashley's great. She'd make a wonderful addition to the family.

I can't go to the dance with you.

-Uh-oh.

-Nice knowing ya, Hank.

But I thought you liked me?

I thought you liked me!

She's a woman who understands how passions can be inflamed.

The man is completely smitten.