Teacher Torture Hank Zipzer

High knees!

And higher!

Like this!

Higher!

And high knees!

I'm sorry you had to see that

but unfortunately it wasn't just a nightmare.

Well, it was, but the type you have when you're awake. Let me explain.

It was...

The first day of a new school year.

And this is good news because...?

Because the long, dark days of the summer holidays are finally over.

No more time-wasting lie-ins,

no more excruciating family fun days.

-Oh.

-No more being told to go out and..."play".

Hank, can you use a plate - or at least some toast?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mum, but this is an emergency situation.

It's the start of a whole new year with Miss Adolf.

365 days of torture.

In fact, this is a two-jar problem.

Hank!

As usual, Hank, you're wrong.

Allowing for weekends and holidays,

we're only at school for a pitiful 283 days a year.

-And, secondly, you haven't got Miss Adolf this year.

-What?

No Miss Adolf? How do you know that?

Because I actually read the letters we bring home from school.

Where's my bag?

A new school year, a new secretary, and, best of all...

-COMPUTER VOICE:

-'I am Alan.'

..a new computer. Alan, meet Miss Taguri.

Miss Taguri, meet Alan.

-'I am Alan.'

-You're introducing me to a computer.

Not just any computer, Miss Taguri.

Alan is cutting edge.

Alan is the start of computers doing the work of humans.

Alan is the future.

'I am Alan.'

Maybe Alan can get you the next cup of tea, then.

Any chance of a biscuit?

She seems nice.

Where is it? It must be here somewhere.

You really shouldn't leave

-your homework to the last minute, you know.

-Very funny(!)

No, I'm thinking of making some changes in the deli,

so this is just research.

As you were.

I really hope Grandad's going to be reasonable about these new ideas.

I can't see why not.

Being reasonable is what this family does best.

Aha! Found it.

Exactly where I left it.

Susan! Been looking everywhere for you.

Ah. Is this it?

"New year, new challenges," blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, change of teacher.

-You've got Miss Goodison, apparently.

-She was right.

The Lizard Queen was right. I haven't got Miss Adolf.

No, because guess who has - me.

This is unbelievable.

So why did no-one tell me about it?

Hank, we talked about this right at the start of the holiday.

Do you ever listen to what we say?

-Was there food in the room when you're talking about it?

-Er...

-Yeah, we were having pizza.

-Well, then there's your mistake.

Well, I know about it now

and I'm declaring this the best news we've ever heard.

I wonder what Miss Goodison's going to be like.

Anyone is better than Miss Adolf.

You know what this means, right?

We've got to fit a whole summer's worth of celebrating

into the next ten minutes.

THEY CHEER

DOOR CHIMES TINKLE

Good morning, my dear. Here I am.

Ready for another day of making our customers happy.

Guests, Dad.

It says here they're guests, not customers.

"Don't just serve your guests, love them." Who writes this stuff?

And who would read it?

You may mock, but look at this.

Another article about the new Italian cafe on Winchester Street.

"Cafe Grigio is a funky space at the cutting edge of cafe culture."

-Rosa, you're obsessed with that place.

-I'm not obsessed.

I've just started a little scrapbook.

They are going to be serious competition,

and that is why we are taking action.

-Why do I not like the sound of this?

-Here is what we're going to do.

We are going to harness state-of-the-art technology

to revolutionise the guest-provider interface.

I speak two languages, and that didn't make sense in either of them.

You may mock, but just wait -

something's going to be arriving that will amaze you.

So, this new teacher, I can't wait to see what she...

ROMANTIC MUSIC

Whoa.

-She's so...

-Beautiful.

-..smiley.

Henry Zipzer!

RABBIT WHIMPERS

Miss me?

No need to give an answer.

Experience tells us it would only be the wrong one.

Perhaps instead you could tell me where your tie is.

My best guess is under my bed...

or burnt.

There's a small chance it's in China.

Normally this would earn you a detention.

Luckily for you, I'm in an extraordinarily good mood.

-Did you have a good summer, Miss?

-No, I did not have a good summer.

I detest summer.

Barbecues, picnics, people wearing flip-flops -

all thoroughly unpleasant.

But fortunately it's over

and we can now get on with the important business of learning.

Did you receive a letter regarding a change of teacher this year?

I did, Miss.

It's here.

I'll take that. It's rubbish.

The result of a computer error which Mr Joy is rectifying as we speak.

You will not be having Miss Goodison as your teacher.

So who WILL we be having?

One guess, Henry Zipzer.

No, no, I cannot have Miss Adolf again. This is a disaster.

It's worse than that.

Did you see Miss Goodison's hair? It's like silk.

Frankie, ew! She's a teacher.

She's not just A teacher, she's OUR teacher.

I'm taking this to Mr Joy.

Wrong way.

This is what is going to give us the edge over Cafe Grigio.

-It's a hand-held, hi-tech ordering device.

-Wow, amazing.

But tell me, don't we already have a hand-held ordering device?

Oh, yes, we do.

I think it's called a notepad and pencil.

Right.

This links up to this computer, which is going to go in the kitchen.

So as soon as an order is taken,

the kitchen will receive it straight away.

So, a bit like this, then.

Straight into the kitchen.

And the best thing about it is it's totally wireless.

So is a notepad.

Look, Dad, I know that you're out of your comfort zone

and it's harder for you because you're old...er. Older.

And I know that it's hard for older people to embrace new technology,

whereas for my generation, it's more intuitive.

We just pick it up and, bam, we're off. OK, hang on.

I think that perhaps you should read the user manual

before you start touching it.

-You know, just to be on the safe side.

-Fine, I will.

I'll use this hi-tech word recognition device to help me read.

Mr Joy, I really need to complain about the timetable.

Previously, only one mind could cope with the complexities

of the school timetable - mine.

-Now, finally, Alan has revolutionised it.

-'I am Alan.'

Or he would, if I knew how to print.

Miss Taguri, I wonder if you could...

'If you want to speak to me, come in here!'

You, back to class.

You can do this. No eye contact.

Once that timetable is printed,

I'm stuck with Miss Adolf for the rest of the year.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-Are you in trouble already?

-No. What are you doing here?

I need to change the timetable.

I refuse to be stuck with Miss Goodison

when Miss Adolf is introducing a new homework hero award.

I want to change the timetable to put Miss Goodison back with me -

which means you'd have Miss Adolf.

I don't normally like rule-breaking but my entire academic career

is in jeopardy from Miss Goodison and her smiley stickers.

-How do you know she has smiley stickers?

-Oh, she looks the type.

OK, do it.

So, this is what life on the dark side feels like.

Hurry up. What's taking so long?

I'm trying. I can't...

Here, let me do it.

Done. Now, let's not get snared in the net of dactyloscopy.

Yeah, right, what's that again?

Dactyloscopy - fingerprinting.

Latent prints can be lifted off surfaces years after the crime.

-But now it's like we were never here.

-OK, hit print and let's go.

-But I just can't get it printed...

-PRINTER WHIRS

I don't know what's happened. It definitely wasn't working before.

If my Cup-a-Soup has gone cold, Mr Joy, there will be consequences.

Do you understand?

Yes, Miss Taguri.

Right, class, open your books.

And now close them again.

How can we be expected to learn about anything

before we've learnt about each other?

So, today, we're just going to talk.

Finally a subject I can get an A in.

Mr Joy, I've just seen the new timetable.

Awe-inspiring, isn't it?

-We have Alan to thank for that.

-'I am Alan.'

Well, Alan has made an error.

I no longer have Henry Zipzer.

I do not leave challenges uncompleted

and that boy is the greatest challenge

since I took on Helga "The Slasher" Yurick

in the '77 world fencing championships.

I demand the timetable be changed.

Do not question Alan's credentials.

Not only could he be running Nasa,

but he's surprisingly good at golf.

Now please leave. Alan is resting.

Oh!

Are you cool enough, Alan?

'I am Alan.'

So we have to do exercises one to ten,

all of the long answer sections

and memorise chapter 15 by tomorrow?

Oh, I might have known this would be a problem for a Zipzer.

It's...not a problem.

-It's brilliant.

-EMILY GIGGLES

Ham... Ham... Where is ham on this thing?

Um...I'll just put turkey. It's a lot better for you.

Rosa, this order can't be right.

23 super-sized salami subs.

Er...yes, that's absolutely right.

For table four?

Um...oh, OK, I'll redo it.

Oh, thank you.

Right, one cappuccino.

That'll be £78.23, please.

Erm...those little biscuits are surprisingly pricey.

I'll sort this out. Just give me one second.

Excuse me.

Meatball sandwich, please.

Ah, meatballs! Simple.

Without onions...

and extra sauce.

One minute. Um...

And I want the roll toasted.

Yes. So...yeah... Yes, that should be simple.

So...find out what button to press...

Go to "orders", sub-heading "active orders",

sub-heading "additional", sub-heading "modifications".

-Sorry?

-That's how you amend an order.

You cannot just let me get on with it, can you?

What? I'm telling you how to...

You know what? If you wanted to have a little go at the new technology,

you should have said. I'm going to the kitchen.

-'Incoming order.'

-Aargh!

-'Incoming order.'

Aargh!

We all have our own issues and each one is important.

Now, Hank, your turn.

It says here that you're...dyslexic.

That must be really hard.

Would you like to tell us how that makes you feel?

Go on, Zitzer.

I did not sign up for this.

Right, ten minutes' quiet reading...

if a Zipzer knows what the word quiet means.

Quiet - making little or no noise.

Synonyms include silent, still and hushed.

-Did you see that cool show last night?

-Sh!

It seems like you don't want to talk about this, Hank.

Well, there's just so many other cool things to talk about.

Eskimos, they're awesome. Helicopters, pigeons.

We want YOU to feel like you can share YOUR issues, Hank.

There was the time I accidentally stuck my face to the table.

That was pretty traumatic.

OK, Hank, I can see that you don't want to talk about your issues

with reading and writing.

Phew.

But this is something that we will need to explore.

Not phew.

So, tonight, everyone, your homework is to try and imagine

how it might feel to be a little bit different...

like Hank,

and then express those feelings however you want.

A collage, it could be a poem, maybe even a dance. Yeah?

And then tomorrow perhaps Hank will feel that he can open up to us.

I'm looking forward to this.

Rosa, looks like the lunchtime rush is coming. Ready?

Absolutely.

(You can do this, Rosa. OK.)

-'Incoming order.'

-Oh! Ooh, I don't like it. I don't like it.

Well, that was worse than sitting through

-one of Emily's lizard lectures.

-I don't know.

It might be nice to have

-someone to talk to about what it's like to be a girl.

-BOTH: Whoa!

Girl talk alert.

-How many times? I AM a girl.

-She is right, though, Hank.

Miss Goodison smells like clean clothes.

Miss Adolf only ever smelt of mushrooms.

Guys, she wants me to talk about my dyslexia in front of everyone.

You're right. OK, what's the plan?

Well, we could hypnotise Miss Goodison

so she forgets everything that happened today.

Remember that time you tried to hypnotise my hamster?

-That did not go well.

-OK, so there's only one option.

We're going to have to change the timetable back.

OK, so, all we need to do is go into the timetable and...

-What's that?

-It's a retina and fingerprint scanner.

Someone has installed some serious security onto this computer.

And I bet I know which lizard-loving loser it was.

Well, if you can't get into the computer

without a retina or fingerprint scan, what are we going to do?

Remove Mr Joy's eyeball.

Wait, I've got it. Dac... Dactyl...

Dactyloscopy.

-How are dinosaurs going to help us here?

-No, he's right, Frankie.

-BOTH: We need to steal Mr Joy's fingerprint.

-Cool.

So no dinosaurs then?

Oh, it's one lasagne and one chicken parmigiana.

But you actually ordered two coffees. OK, please bear with me.

Yes, I know. I know, sir.

You ordered your gondolier lunch special...over an hour ago.

Just give me a second.

It would be easier to fly to Venice, get a real gondolier,

cover him in cheese and...

Rosa, what's going on? What's this?

Do you know? I think there's a bug in the system because the stuff

just comes on the screen and then, whoosh, it's gone again,

so I'm just...I'm just trying to write it down while I remember.

Press the screen for two seconds to freeze an order.

Then press Ctrl S for a summary of orders

and simply tick in the checkbox when they're delivered.

I don't see what the fuss is all about!

We need him to touch something so that we can lift his fingerprint.

No cheating in the playground...

by anyone...

except me.

-Ugh.

-Perfect.

We need that apple.

HE BLOWS NOSE

Nice.

OK, I think I've almost got it.

That's it. Pull me out.

Ugh.

FLIES BUZZ

I'm a genius. Stinky but a genius.

OK, back to Mr Joy's office.

Emily went to here,

changed that...

and done.

I've swapped Miss Adolf and Miss Goodison back...I think.

-OK, let's go.

-Hang on a second.

Maybe I should change some other things around, too,

so it doesn't look too obvious.

Hank, do you think this is one of those times where something

seems like a good idea but actually isn't?

No.

-MUFFLED VOICE

-Someone's coming. We need to go.

Oh...

-An update already, Alan. You must be working overtime.

-'I am Alan.'

Miss Taguri, issue the new timetable.

I beg your pardon?

I mean, only if it's not too much trouble.

I'll tell you what,

I'll do it myself.

And legs straight, and push those hands, come on.

MUSIC PLAYS

Well, I suggest we get into small groups

and talk about how unplanned changes can be stressful.

Emily, would you like to work with me?

Oh, I feel sick.

MUSIC INTENSIFIES

What on earth is going on here?

-There seems to be a mistake with the timetable, Mr Joy.

-Impossible.

Alan doesn't make any mistakes.

We are not here to have fun.

I want to see sweat.

And heel-digger!

Maybe we could go back to how the timetable was last year, Mr Joy.

And pony. And pony.

But it's what Alan said so it must be right.

Enough!

But nobody got to see my pony.

I said enough!

MUSIC STOPS

Alan and I are going to have a little chat.

That last order was right, wasn't it? Totally right?

I don't know who was more surprised, me or the customer.

Cafe Grigio is not going to know what's hit them.

I have got this system running like a finely tuned...

SHE SNIFFS

Oh!

Oh, the biscottini are burnt!

The oven was way too high.

I turned it up.

How? You were in here.

With this. The oven can now be controlled from here.

So when I put an order through for pizza,

I automatically increase the oven temperature. Simple.

Well, how come I didn't know about it?

This was all explained in the update.

An audio alert sounds on your system.

Oh, I may have turned the sound down.

Well, it was shouting at me.

-Well, you could have chosen a visual alert.

-I don't have time.

-ALARM BLEEPS

-Oh, what is it now?

THEY SHOUT AND SCREAM

I think I put too much detergent in.

You needn't have it any at all.

I'd already done it. This was all explained...

BOTH: ..in the update!

I'd like to use my 40% off voucher.

-What voucher?

-It was e-mailed to me.

-This was all explained in the...

-OK.

Oh! Oh! No!

Oh! Oh!

Update that!

And, so, I realised that there could only ever be one

super-advanced being in control of this school and that's me.

I had to fire Alan.

I'm glad you got that off your chest.

Is anything you'd like to say, Alan?

-DISTORTED:

-'I am Alan.'

He WAS Alan.

Don't worry, Rosa, we'll try technology again

when you feel you're ready.

For the moment,

we'll just use a system you'll be able to cope with.

The wonderful thing about this is it's just so intuitive.

And, oh, look.

An update.

HE LAUGHS

Huh?

You're not too annoyed that we don't have Miss Goodison, are you?

I guess I'll always have the memories.

Yeah, and her name written on your hand.

Henry Zipzer! Talking in class again.

What makes you think I should treat you any differently?

Nothing. And that's just the way I like it. 1-0, Zipzer.

Still talking, Henry. Detention.

Start making videos and vlogs and sharing them with the school.

Finally a school project I can do well in.

-You'll only mess it up like everything else.

-Zipzer.

McKelty, I've got a major problem with my adult choir.

-# Pick me!

-Pick me!

-Pick me! #

WHIRRING Whoa!

Urgh!

Rule number one, Frankie - always keep the fans happy.

Sometimes you've just got to know when to throw in the towel.

THEY ARGUE

Whoa! Stop filming!

Aargh!