Vlog It! Hank Zipzer

-ALL:

-Trip! Trip! Trip! Trip!

I can't believe I'm about to deliberately face-plant

into a bowl of custard.

Wait. Let's go back to when this whole thing started.

It was just another boring Monday morning at school, until...

Take out your mobile phones. I've got something I want you to see.

Mr Joy, if it's another one of your talent show audition videos,

then it's still a no from me. BUZZER

-And me.

-BUZZER

-And everyone.

-BUZZERS

You will do as I say, before I expel the entire school.

OK, fair enough.

Say hello to the World Wide Westbrook,

the school's very own intranet.

You can rest assured all my audition tapes are there,

listed by the wow factor.

Soul Sensation is my personal favourite.

# I say girl, girl, girl

# You make my head spin like I'm double jointed

# You make my heart beat triple time

# I said, triple time... #

-HE SINGS ALONG

-# In triple time. #

-It's good.

-Wow!

-Wow!

Wow, indeed. I understand that we need more content,

so start making videos and vlogs and sharing them

with the rest of the school.

As long as none of you are more talented than me.

That sounds ridiculous out loud.

Anyway, as you were.

# Triple time... # You can sing along if you want, it's fine.

It's easy. It's easy.

# I said triple time...! #

Finally, a school project I can do well in.

No-one can see your spelling mistakes when you're talking.

Don't bother, Zitzer, you'll only mess it up like everything else.

Oh, yeah? I say my vlog can get more views than yours.

I'll take that challenge. It's going to be too easy.

Is competing with McKelty a good idea?

There is no contest. I have the perfect vlog.

Something I know more about than anyone else.

Accidentally spraying your neighbour's dog pink?

-Food.

-Ah. Yeah, that too.

Hello, Westbrook. Today I'm going to be giving you some cool tips

on the hottest foods. Let's check out what's in the fridge.

Er, sometimes the door gets a bit stuck.

You've got to give it a big pull.

HE GROANS

My friend Ashley says that frozen peas are good to reduce swelling

and they're tasty to eat. It says here you need to boil them

for two...

Whoa!

Aww! Oww!

Salami. It's like sausage, but better.

Papa Pete says it's the food of the gods.

He also says that about pasta.

And olives.

Hank, you'd better not be eating that salami!

So, there's my first tip on what foods are hot right now.

Actually, that is SO hot!

So, so hot!

Ugh! Ugh!

Ugh! That's disgusting. Oh, it burns!

Zipzer.

-McKelty.

-Here to pick up Nick.

Cricket club. He's been selected as the opening batsman.

I'm here to pick up Emily. Science club.

She's been selected as the opening...

Bunsen burner person.

Mr Zipzer, I am so glad I caught you before you left.

I've got a major problem with my adult choir.

I'm going to put it in sports terms - we're on the 30-yard line.

We've got four seconds to go.

We are down by two.

You do know that American football is really just a poor man's rugby?

OK, if you help me with my choir, I will call soccer f...

-..football.

-OK, I'm listening.

-What's the problem?

-We have a big concert next weekend,

and I've got a tenor with tonsillitis.

Oh, sorry, singing is not really my thing.

Plus I've got deadlines to catch...

Don't waste your time with him, Mr Rock.

If it's a singer you need, look no further.

-Can you sing tenor?

-I can sing... # Bass...

-# Tenor... #

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-# Even soprano! #

Welcome to the adult choir.

Whoa, wait a minute. You asked me first.

-But you just said no.

-After thinking about it,

-I think I would like to join.

-All right, I'll tell you what.

Since you both want to be in it,

we'll have an audition right here tomorrow night at six o'clock.

We'll be here. # At six.

-# At six!

-At six! #

OK, boys. Boys. Hold it!

Let's not shatter a window.

-'Hello, Westbrook.'

-Honestly, it's tragic.

You clearly haven't the slightest idea about mise-en-scene

or Eisenstein's theory of montage.

Yeah, like those are actually things!

It is a teensy bit rough around the edges, Hank.

Rough around the edges? I seem smoother cactuses.

-Cacti.

-Bless you.

It's really bad, isn't it?

No, it's not really bad, Hank.

You can always shoot it again.

At least you've had a rehearsal now.

-Oh, OK.

-Perhaps this time you could give advice about calories,

fat content and additives, rather than just what tastes awesome.

Like I need tips from you!

Says the boy who can't even open the fridge door!

What? Who said that?

'This is a Soppressata Toscano salami.

'It is also like a sausage.

'I rank it 23rd on the Hot 40 Salami list.'

What do you think?

Good. Good. It was really...

..in focus.

And the sound was working. You could totally hear the chewing.

You didn't like it?

Maybe there was just a bit TOO much about salami.

Dude, it was like rush hour at Salami Central.

OK, I'll add some new stuff, but it's got to beat McKelty's.

I'm sure it would be a SALAMI dunk!

Like slam dunk, but with salami?

My talents are wasted here.

That's all from Hank Zipzer, Westbrook's finest foodster.

-STAN DOES VOCAL WARM-UP

-How are you doing, champ?

-Dad, I was vlogging.

-It looked more like you were choking.

Anyway, I thought you finished your "masterpiece" ages ago.

I have. I just need to upload it.

Right. There you go. I'm off to school to witness my triumph.

In your face, McKelty.

Honestly, why does everything have to be a competition?

A bit of healthy competitive spirit never hurt anyone.

Well, except in boxing. Oh, and karate, obviously.

BELL RINGS

'Welcome to my essential grooming tips...'

McKelty is giving grooming tips? This should be a laugh.

'It's important to keep your eyebrows under control.

'It is eyebrows - plural.

'You must have two, which means you need to keep your brow gap clean

-'and tidy.'

-My food vlog is SO going to beat McKelty.

'Say goodbye to those monobrows

'and hello to those fabulous-looking follicles.'

I mean, who would want to watch that?

-Oh, come on.

-I totally need to get some new tweezers.

You can't seriously be interested in that?

-Well, the eyebrows do frame the face, Hank.

-Do they?

OK, well, whatever keeps you happy.

Oh, look, it's Zitzer.

Bottom of the ratings.

Guess who's top.

You're officially a loser - online and off.

Oh, yeah? Then how come his hits are going up?

-They are?

-How?

'Let's check out what's in the fridge.

-'You've got to give it a big pull.'

-This isn't the vlog you showed us.

Oh, no.

I've uploaded the wrong video.

That's got all the bloopers in it.

Just go with it, dude. You are a hit.

-You've gone viral.

-You're a one-hit wonder, Zitzer.

My next vlog, The Top Ten Hair Products You Simply Must Own,

will put me right back on top.

It's on me. I get them free anyway.

-Nice!

-Frankie, focus.

How am I going to keep the number-one spot?

Honestly, you'd better start praying for some seriously good bloopers.

Stop.

I'm surprised you bothered turning up.

I think we both know who will get the seat on the choir.

That's a nice outfit. Are you wearing that for a dare?

All right! Good evening, gentlemen.

What do we have? Two singers. One spot in the choir.

I say we solve this with a good, old-fashioned sing-off.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

HE DOES VOCAL WARM-UP

# Pah-pah-pah

# Papetty-papetty-papetty-papetty pah! #

HE COUGHS

That's it, is it? That's your vocal warm-up?

-A cough?

-That is all some of us need.

OK, if you can sing these tongue-twisters,

you can sing anything, any time, anywhere. Nick, you lead us off, OK?

OK, here we go.

# I am the very model of a modern Major-General

# I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral

# I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical

# From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical

# I'm very well acquainted, too with matters mathematical

# I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical

# About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news

# With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse

# I'm very good at integral and differential calculus

# I know the scientific names of beings animalculous

# In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral-l-l-l

# I am the very model-l-l-l-l

# Of a modern Major-General. #

Well, that was a good, clean fight, generals.

And the winner is...the choir.

You can both join.

-You were flat.

-You were sharp.

I take it there's a solo spot in the concert?

-There is.

-Pick me.

-# Pick me!

-Pick me!

-Pick me!

-Pick me!

-Pick me!

-Pick me! #

You know what, gentlemen?

You work it out yourselves.

Hey, guys, my problems are solved -

I'm not going to make a vlog any more.

I'm going to make a movie.

Aliens Versus Dinosaurs.

-Dude, what happened?

-We're pretending I've broken my leg.

Pretending? That looks really gross.

It's all about the application of fake blood.

-Want a go?

-OK.

Why don't we paint an alien trying to eat its way out of your leg?

-Then you can be in my movie.

-Dude, movies take months to make.

Stick to the bloopers.

Wait a second.

I could fake the accidents.

No-one could tell the difference.

You know what? Faking accidents can actually be dangerous.

I just need something to trip over.

There's got to be something in here somewhere.

You can see and hear me, right?

Trust me. This is going to be epic.

The key thing you need to make awesome pancakes - or HANCAKES -

is a frying pan. Now, you want to get some butter from the fridge... STAN SINGS

Dad, you completely ruined my fake accident.

Actually, you stay there. I'll trip over you.

But no singing.

-ALL:

-Oooh!

-Didn't that hurt?

-For about three hours.

But it was totally worth it when I saw the look on McKelty's face.

You so faked that accident.

Oh, look. Your lame vlog is second place behind mine.

My vlog on getting rid of troublesome spots

will deal with you, Zitzer.

The only troublesome spot around here

is where you're standing, McKelty.

'So, we supported the leg.

'Now I'm going to show you how to reset the bone!'

Ew!

Next I want to try taking out a fake appendix.

How about you do it for real, on me, while I'm falling off a ladder?

No, no! No real surgery.

I swear you're holding me back.

HE HUMS

Holy macaroni.

Will you look at all those zeros?

And there's a number in front of it.

That doesn't usually happen.

Being part of the choir, I've realised

how underfunded the department is.

I just want to do my bit.

Let's hear it for Mr McKelty.

Please, call me Mick.

Listen, with a cheque like this, I'll call you Tallulah.

You should have seen the size of the cheque.

-Bigger than his ego.

-I'm sure Mr Rock won't give him a solo

just because he flashed some cash.

Maybe I should just pull out now.

That way I won't have to see the smug look

on McKelty's face when he gets picked.

Sometimes you've just got to know when to throw in the towel.

Rubbish.

If the song is inside you, it must come out.

Thanks for the advice, Pete,

but maybe you should stick to making pizzas.

Listen to me, Stan.

With just a little training,

I'm sure your voice could be spectacular.

Yeah, right. What do you know about singing?

# Jammo, jammo 'ncoppa, jammo ja

# Funiculi, funicula, funiculi, funicula

# 'ncoppa, jammo ja, funiculi, funicula! #

Fair enough...Coach.

HE SINGS LOUDLY

THEY SING CONTINUOUS NOTE, STAN COUGHS

# A, E, I, O, U... #

THEY SING SCALES

-Yes!

-Yes!

'Ouch! My face!'

You keep this up, I won't need to fake my first-aid videos.

It's nothing.

Just a scratch. And it's totally worth it to beat McKelty.

I think you should stop while you can still walk.

Rule number one, Frankie - always keep the fans happy.

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you very much.

-You're very welcome.

-Hank.

Hank.

Let's go. It took hours last time.

I'm here all week.

# Funiculi, funicula, funiculi, funicula

# 'ncoppa, jammo ja, funiculi, funicula! #

Bravo!

Mr Rock HAS to give you the solo.

Well, there is only one way to make sure.

ALL: Trip! Trip! Trip!

The problem with being a viral hit

is that you don't always get to eat your lunch.

Textbook. That's a ten from the Russian judge.

Great work on the video, Zitzer.

They've got a permanent online record

of what a joke you are, for everyone to see forever.

You're just jealous.

So jealous.

Because I wish I could have custard in my face.

-Are you OK?

-I'm fine, I think.

That's good cos you've got a whole lot of fans

ready and waiting for more.

Hi!

-Hi, Mr Rock.

-Hey!

-I just thought I'd pop in on my way to...

-Um, on my way to...work.

-I thought you worked at home.

I took the scenic route. Anyhoo, just to show my appreciation

for all the hard work you've done with the choir,

some Italian pastries from my wife's deli.

Wow, they look delicious.

You and Mick are spoiling me today.

-You what?

-Yeah.

I got him two tickets to Wimbledon.

Men's final.

Seats in the Royal box, plus access to the five-star dining lounge.

And Mick is also helping me clean all the instruments

before the concert.

Maybe I could help too, so he doesn't have to do it solo.

Not a problem for me!

ALL: Trip! Trip! Trip! Trip! Trip!

Trip! Trip! Trip! Trip! Trip!

Trip! Trip! Trip! Trip! Trip!

Get him! Get him! Get footage!

I want to see him trip!

Trip! Trip! Trip!

Getting tired of being the clown, Henry?

No, Miss.

Just taking a break from my millions of fans.

The only thing they are fans of is you making a fool of yourself.

You don't know what you're talking about, Miss.

I'm a viral sensation.

The internet is for imbeciles.

10% of it is kittens riding tortoises,

the rest is laughing at other people's expense.

Your fans only like you when you're flat on your face.

You're wrong, Miss. You'll see.

Aargh!

Aargh!

Stop moving!

THUD!

Right again.

Wow, what a great job!

I could eat my lunch off this, which I think the children already did.

OK. I'll see you guys at the concert.

-What about the solo?

-Have you made a decision yet?

Oh! Yes, I've made a decision! And the solo is going to...

IMITATES DRUMROLL

..neither of you. If you're going to bribe me, you've got to do

-a lot better than that.

-I wasn't trying to bribe you.

All right, maybe a little.

Could I, um, have those Wimbledon tickets back?

Yes, you can.

But, Stan, I'm so sorry.

I'm keeping those pastries. Wow!

Listen, you cannot have a solo,

but you guys can do a duet.

No, I don't think our voices go together.

My voice would just overpower his.

I disagree. I think this rivalry has got to end right now.

Now, shake hands.

Like you mean it.

You can let go now. Let go.

Ha-ha! He let go first!

Oh, you guys!

So, all this happened because of your stupid vlog, did it?

Everyone has uploaded my skateboard fail.

I am numbers one to ten in the rankings.

McKelty is nowhere. I'm like a daredevil hero.

You're more like a human crash-test dummy.

With the emphasis on "dummy".

You can't REALLY have done all that just to beat Nick McKelty.

Yes, imagine going to such lengths to beat your rival, eh, Stan(?)

That's completely different. That's real life, not just the internet.

No more blogging for you, Hank. Give us your phone.

It's for your own safety. And now I imagine that your father

has some very serious words to say to you.

-Actually, no.

-What?

-Why?

-I've got to go on vocal rest for tonight

if I'm going to beat Mick.

Loser.

Number one, McKelty.

Read it and weep.

Hank, come on, just let it go.

How am I going to keep this number-one spot

when I've got these stupid crutches.

Well, I'm starting a magic blog.

-Want to be in it?

-As long as I don't get sawn in half.

That is SO going in one of my videos.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our little hoedown,

featuring songs from the American frontier.

Howdy!

First up we have Mick McKelty and Stan Zipzer,

with Bury Me Not On The Lone Prairie.

APPLAUSE, STAN AND MICK ARGUE

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

# Oh, bury me not on the lone prairie

# These words came low and mournfully

# From the pallid lips of the youth who lay

# On his dying bed at the close of day... #

I've been doing this segment.

And you're out of tune.

# Oh, bury me not on the lone prairie

-# Where coyotes howl and the wind blows free... #

-MICK HOWLS

Ow, ow, owww!

# In a narrow grave just six by three

# Oh, bury me not on the lone prairie... #

You've just done your bit! I do a bit and then you do a bit.

And you're out of tune. Out of tune.

# And the cowboys now as they roam the plain... #

Ow!

Stop filming. That's my dad, it's not funny.

Are you sure, Henry?

I thought this sort of thing was supposed to be hilarious.

You can borrow MY phone if you like.

Right again.

You know, it's historic that a lot of hoedowns in cowboy folklore ended

-in a fist fight.

-You're lying on my arm.

Right, our next act will be up very shortly.

Can you walk?

Looks like you're not the only crash-test dummy.

With emphasis on the "dummy".

Guess it's not as hard making a fool of yourself as I thought.

Hmm?

If I'd known even you could do it, I'd never have bothered.

You are for it now.

Agh!

The Alien Adventures is all that's on anyone's mind.

On the news, on the web, on the street.

We've got the books. Hot off the press!

Pupils cluttering up corridors as they read it.

Can we just talk about something else?

Not everyone is obsessed by The Alien Adventures.

Everyone's doing this thing that I can't do. It's rubbish.

Oh, my days. That is...

-Unbelievable!

-Kathleen Murray herself, The Adventures' creator,

has agreed to come for a book signing tomorrow afternoon!

Zitzer did this! Get him!