Zipzers and Aliens Hank Zipzer

Yeah, a typical Wednesday.

Typical, if you mean being chased by a horde of insanely angry aliens.

OK, let's rewind.

OK, that's maybe too far. Let's jump to Tuesday morning.

-I think I'll pass on the milk, thanks, Mum.

-Sorry.

But it was worth staying up, wasn't it?

We got the book! Hot off the press,

the final chapter of Alien Adventures.

Brilliant. Cos me and books always get on.

BOOK GROWLS LIKE A DOG Get off! Get off!

-BOOK WHINES LIKE A DOG

-Well, we're lucky.

Every copy in London sold out by 5am.

The final story.

Who knows what happens to Captain Johansson and his crew?

I do. I finished it at 4.17 this morning.

-It's 560 pages long!

-What can I say?

-How far did you get, Hank?

-Seven.

Chapter seven? Well done, son.

Page. Page seven.

Yes, well, there's no harm savouring it.

Emily, please can you just tell me what happened at the end?

No! No, no, don't tell him.

Hank, you'll feel so much better when you do it on your own.

Emily, I don't suppose that you...

Yes, you can borrow my copy, like you borrowed the last six.

Ooh, I am so excited! I love these books!

The romance, the adventure, the giant ultrapede with 14 heads.

-SHE GROANS

-It's so brilliant!

-HE SNIGGERS

-Have you got a problem?

No, no, no, no. Not at all, no.

Spacemen and aliens are all very well,

but most people want to read about real things.

Important things.

Like the stuff I write.

-You write about sport.

-Exactly.

Which is grown men playing with a bat and ball.

It's basically just sports day with bigger trophies.

Ouch. Burn, Dad.

"Ouch. Burn, Dad."

LIFT BELL DINGS Hey, guys.

Well, I'm glad you asked.

Yes, I have got the new Shark Munch Madness game

and, yes, you do get to swallow Taurus whole.

HE SIGHS Enjoying the book, then?

It's amazing. I heard they do an actual alien autopsy in chapter 33.

Yeah, what part are you up to?

Got to the bit where they torpedo the battle weasels yet?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm way past that. I'm at the bit where, um...

the alien queen eats the crew of the ship.

Huh? But everyone knows she's vegetarian.

-That's the huge plot twist in the second chapter.

-Oh, yeah.

I'm actually just working my way through that now.

LIFT BELL DINGS

Come on, guys. Can't we just talk about something else?

Not everyone is obsessed by the Alien Adventures.

See?

This is going to be a very long day.

"From Bethnal Green to Bayern Munich,

-"the meteoric rise of a local hero."

-HE CHUCKLES

It's a pretty weighty profile I'm writing.

And not a 14-headed ultrapede in sight.

Oh, well, don't worry. I'm sure someone will still want to read it.

See you tonight.

Oh, you've left your...children's book.

BELL RINGS

Guys. Guys, we're here.

I've survived books about kid wizards and teenage vampires.

I can survive one about aliens, can't I?

BELL RINGS Guys, maths with Adolf.

No reading allowed. Whoo! Come on, guys, let's go.

I know. Desperate times.

-WHISPERS:

-That bit's amazing.

Miss Wong, I presume you're studying your quadratic functions

-for Thursday's big test.

-SHE GROANS

Alien Adventures, The Final Probe.

Perhaps you would care to explain

why you'd allow yourself to be sucked into

a mindless, populist phenomenon like this, Mr Townsend?

Oh, it's, like, the coolest thing ever, Miss.

It's like this massively awesome epic journey

-through space and time and...

-Incorrect.

Science fiction is the fungal bacteria of the publishing world

and reading such lowbrow literature during test week

will gain you an instant detention.

Let me get the brand-new algebra mock test.

Now, those ARE thrilling.

-Looks like there's no reading for you.

-You can't either.

No need, Zitzer. My dad got me the e-book last weekend.

It wasn't even supposed to be out.

I'll tell you all about the surprise ending.

-ALL:

-No, no, no!

-Please, don't say anything.

Fine, but you better all make it worth my while or I might just

-accidentally tell you who dies.

-THEY GASP

Or who doesn't.

Delete, delete, delete, delete.

HE EXHALES

Let's try this rubbish.

HE SCOFFS

HE CHUCKLES

HE SCREAMS

Attention, learning units.

The Alien Adventures is all that's on anyone's mind.

On the news, on the web, on the street,

pupils cluttering up corridors as they read it.

Mr Joy. He'll put a stop to this.

And I'm delighted to be a part of it.

So, prepare, my little minions, to worship me as a conquering hero,

or some kind of extraordinary demigod

because Kathleen Murray herself, the Adventures' creator,

has agreed to come for a book signing

here at our school tomorrow afternoon!

I think it's the best thing that's ever happened!

Yeah, it's definitely up there.

Headmaster. Headmaster, headmaster.

OK, I know this celebrity visit is a pretty big deal.

I think it needs a musical fanfare.

I'm not having you assault our guest's celebrity ears.

No, not assault. I'll write it, the kids will play it.

It will be out of this world.

It will be out of my school.

Kathleen Murray is going to think Headmaster Joy is amazing.

-Right, OK.

-Mm.

-She might dedicate her next book to me.

Or take me to the film premiere.

Can you see it? You're walking down the red carpet.

Pop, pop, pop, pop! Watch your eyes.

Now you're being interviewed. "How do you do it, Joy?"

-I don't know.

-"He doesn't know."

-It's a brilliant idea.

-Thank you.

-I'm glad I thought of it.

-Me too.

-You are the boss.

-Yes, I am.

-Yes, you are.

Yes, I am.

What is this rubbish doing here?

Sorry, Headmaster. I was just about to take that out.

Only got one pair of arms, you know.

Well, I suggest you grow another pair.

We have a VIP visit tomorrow. Sort it out.

My band of brothers and sisters, My Joy has given me the honour

of writing Miss Kathleen Murray's fanfare.

So, with your help,

we're going to find the perfect sound for outer space.

It's going to blow your ears off. As a matter of fact,

the caretaker will be sweeping up little ears for weeks to come.

Mr Rock, can't we just do that hip-hop lullaby fusion

-that we did last week?

-No, Hank, we can't.

Now, look, I know that you and books don't get along so well,

but I thought you would love Alien Adventures.

I mean, it's so filled with passion and adventure and slime.

I do love slime.

Outer space. I want you to play the first thing that comes to mind.

On my count. Ready?

Three, two, one!

ALL PLAY TUNELESSLY

Needs a little work.

Frankie, Ashley, wait! Come back, come back. Come here.

Guess I'm going to have to bring out the big guns.

This, my friends, is a screen grab

from level 20 of Shark Munch Madness.

You get to attach monster trucks to the sharks

and smash them into oil tankers. Ba-boom!

So, my place tonight? 7pm?

Great. I'll get the snacks in. Catch you later, shark fans.

-Did he say something?

-Who?

Oh, my days, that is...

-Unbelievable!

-HE LAUGHS

KEY CLINKS IN LOCK

Hey, how's the big deadline going?

Wow, you look exhausted.

I've never seen anyone actually sweating from typing before.

Medically speaking, that's worrying.

This is what real passion looks like.

In-depth character profiles don't write themselves, you know.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-Unfortunately.

-There you are, Headmaster. All done.

-Done?

You've barely even started.

I've drawn up a list.

-It's double-sided.

-This will take all night.

Which is exactly the amount of time you have.

Well, get on with it.

Done. Junk food and sharks. Now, that's a perfect combo.

Frankie and Ashley should be here any minute.

6.45. Let the games begin.

7.30. Where are they? HE GRUNTS

-BOTH:

-Whoa!

Oh!

PHONE VIBRATES

It's Hank. He says we promised to go to his.

We did? But I really need to finish this chapter.

OK, same here. But as long as we get a move on.

"Delayed. Won't be long."

Great. They'll be here in a minute.

8.25. Unbelievable!

What's going on? You said you'd be round ages ago.

Sorry, Hank. We just got caught up. It's the book.

It's like some kind of addiction.

Medically speaking, it really can alter the serotonin levels.

Medically speaking, I could die of cheese and onion poisoning.

I ate 16 bags of crisps while I waited for you.

Hank, we're really sorry. It wasn't on purpose.

We wanted to play your shark bite game. Honest.

Yeah, I'm up for dismembering limbs any time.

It's not like we meant to ignore you, Hankster.

It's just when this book gets hold of you...

You wouldn't understand.

-What does that mean?

-It's just games are more your thing.

We can't really read with you, can we? You slow us...

..down.

Cheers, Frankie. Thanks a lot.

Hey, what happened?

I thought everyone was coming over to do something violent to whales.

-It's sharks.

-Oh.

-And they're too busy reading that.

Oh, love, it's just a book. It'll all blow over in a week or so.

Everyone's doing this thing that I can't do.

It's rubbish. Wake me up next January.

Hank, I know it's really hard, but you'll get through this.

I know you will.

Oh.

-Thanks, Mum.

-If you want to talk, I'm just next door.

-HE EXHALES

-Finished!

Right.

Right, I'm not going to be defeated

by a bit of chopped-up tree and some stupid ink.

Right.

Relax. Tame the brain.

Focus. Hold still.

Come on.

This is awesome!

I'm going to prove to Frankie and Ashley that I can do this.

I'm going to stay up all night and finish the whole book.

ALARM CLOCK RINGS No!

I can hardly wait to read the last chapter.

-There's this amazing bit...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't! No.

No...need to talk about hobbies at breakfast.

This should be family time. How is everybody?

We're very excited about the Alien Adventure signing, Dad.

-Haven't you been listening?

-Oh, didn't you know, Emily?

Your dad's not interested in the Alien Adventures, are you, Stan?

BELL RINGS

WHISPERS: Frankie, Ashley, about last night...

Henry Zipzer!

-Distracting the class again.

-I can't distract anyone, Miss.

They're all too busy with their alien books.

Well, well.

Thank you, Henry. Please collect up all the copies.

THEY GROAN

My preference would be to burn them, but I'm feeling generous,

so I'll make sure they're safe in the confiscation cabinet

until Friday after the algebra test.

-But the signing's this afternoon.

-Oh, is it?

-Yes, Miss.

I don't care.

Not cool, Hank. I had four pages to go.

Excellent. Now that I have your full attention,

you have three minutes to solve...that.

-THEY GROAN

-Congratulations.

You've wasted time groaning. Now it's two minutes.

THEY GROAN

-You there.

-Mr Joy, I've done everyone on the list.

I worked all through the night. Even mucked out the school rabbit.

-The school doesn't have a rabbit.

-I mucked out something, anyway.

-Good, good. Just one more thing.

-Yes, Headmaster?

That tree there - never liked the way it looked at me.

-Chop it down at once.

-Yes, of course.

Perhaps you'd like me to rebuild the science block while I'm at it.

-There you go.

-Are you sure we're going to need all these instruments?

We absolutely are if we're going to find that perfect sound

for outer space.

But no-one seems to be in the mood. Everybody's got a sour face.

What is it? Dumpling delight with tuna fish for lunch?

I got their books confiscated for the signing this afternoon.

-Now they all hate me.

-Ah.

You know, in 1982, my band and I, we started to create a concept album

about the building of the BLT sandwich.

It was brilliant.

The critics said it was a sin against the ears.

It flopped spectacularly.

-So, you know what we did?

-What?

We picked ourselves up, we dusted ourselves off,

we wrote an even better album...

-which also flopped.

-Oh.

You know, I thought I had a point somewhere in that story.

This is bad. Even Mr Rock doesn't have a solution to our problem.

I guess I'm going to find my own.

No, no, it's OK. I got it, I got it, I got it.

-Where are you going?

-I'm going to get the books back.

OK, so, here's the plan.

All I've got to do is sneak the keys off the caretaker.

He wanted them chopping.

Oh, I chopped them all right, on no sleep.

Chop, chop, chop.

And then, when no-one's looking, I slip into the staffroom...

..and straight into the confiscation cupboard.

Note to self - fire caretaker.

I don't remember this being part of the plan.

Unbelievable!

No. No, no, no, no!

What happened to the slime babies?

Rosa.

Westbrook both looks to the future and honours the past.

It looks in both directions at the same time.

Like...like owls, when they swivel their heads.

And they allow someone like you to be the head, do they?

That's either really impressive or really frightening.

Anyway, shouldn't we be getting on?

Because I don't want to be late for my next signing, so...

-You!

-Ah!

-Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Do you realise you've left a bonfire worth of logs

right where we're doing our presentation?

Dispose of them at once.

23 years, I've been at this school.

Miss Murray.

Do you think you would feature an authoritive yet dashing headmaster

-in your next space novel?

-Hmm.

No.

-HE LAUGHS

-Look, it's fine.

Let me out!

HE HUMS

Hey! My great aunt used to hide in cupboards.

Thanks. I'm sorry. I'll explain later.

And then, of course, my great aunt thought that beavers could talk.

Guys!

-Guys!

-The ending. This is just so perfect.

Mum, are you sure you have to be here?

Oh, yes. I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Oh, or this.

Oh, fancy seeing you here!

Fine, you got me. I love the book so much.

If it wasn't for you, I'd probably marry it.

Please, I have to know how it ends.

OK, you've suffered enough.

-HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-Excuse me.

-Whoa!

Coming through!

-Let me get them! Sorry.

-Hi, Stan.

Apparently, he hasn't.

Your books are over here, safe and...

-..gone.

-What are you doing?

Is this a prank? Where are the books, Hank?

"Dispose of the logs at once," he said.

-He didn't say where.

-HE CHUCKLES

As one inspirational icon,

it gives me great pleasure to introduce another.

-Get ready.

-Alien Adventure's author, Kathleen Murray.

In my opinion, she and I are...

How long is this speech going to last?

Because I would like to get to my signing at Eastbrook

some time before the heat death of the universe.

Scrap the anthem!

Oh, of course. The most appropriate sound for outer space - silence.

Can I just start by saying how great it is to see so many of you here...

Uh-oh.

..and how much you love and nourish literature here at Westbrook.

This is my book!

I've had bad reviews, but this is ridiculous.

SHE LAUGHS

Zitzer did this. Get him!

And this is where we came in.

Hold it!

Everyone, please, let's have a little dignity here.

If you need me, I'll be inside just cleaning my tentacles.

All right, make way. Thank you.

Not happy. Just very, very not happy.

Please, Miss Murray, don't leave. We all love your books.

Well, I think you can see why I might find that hard to believe.

It's all my fault.

If we all hadn't loved your book so much,

then they wouldn't have confiscated it,

and if they hadn't been confiscated,

they wouldn't have ended up in 1,000 pieces.

-Actually, there's a bit of alien in your hair.

-Oh.

And I wouldn't have fallen out with my two best friends.

All that was on anyone's mind was the Alien Adventures.

And you? What did you think of the big ending?

I don't know. I can be a bit of a slow reader sometimes,

-but I'll get through it.

-Well, how do you think it should end?

Well, I've only got to chapter five, but what if Captain Johannson

is chased through a wormhole by the star fungus,

sucked through back to the beginning of time

and then ends up as the king of a mushroom universe?

-SHE LAUGHS

-You know, that's not bad.

Maybe you could twist the publisher's arm

to use a dyslexia-friendly font?

I'm writing all these ideas down, you know.

Don't listen to him!

He's an exchange student from a zoo, and he's very much expelled.

Over my dead body!

This one's got a lot of potential.

Right, let's get on with the signing

cos there's plenty of copies left for everyone whose book was pulped.

-Hi. I'm Stan.

-Oh.

-Can I have your autograph?

-SHE CHUCKLES

-And maybe a selfie?

-SHE LAUGHS

No.

I've got to admit it, Hank,

-you do have a way of making the day more exciting.

-Thanks.

And I'm glad you both got your books back.

Books are so 11 o'clock this morning.

Ooh, there's a new extreme paintball dungeon in town.

You're guaranteed to get bruised. Want to come?

Lead the way, my friend. Lead the way.

As of tomorrow, we have a television crew

joining us in school.

Well, we just want kids with a story to tell.

It's like being in a school full of Hank Zipzers.

Keep them away from me.

That's what I'm trying to do, because they should be with me.

-To be or not to be.

-Awesome.

-That is the question.

I seem to remember we were going to get on TV together.

Forget all the other students.

This is going to be a Hank Zipzer special.

Ten times ten is what?

Of course we're a team. I've just opened the door.