Zipzers and Aliens Hank Zipzer


Zipzers and Aliens

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Yeah, a typical Wednesday.

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Typical, if you mean being chased by a horde of insanely angry aliens.

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OK, let's rewind.

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OK, that's maybe too far. Let's jump to Tuesday morning.

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-I think I'll pass on the milk, thanks, Mum.

-Sorry.

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But it was worth staying up, wasn't it?

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We got the book! Hot off the press,

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the final chapter of Alien Adventures.

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Brilliant. Cos me and books always get on.

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BOOK GROWLS LIKE A DOG Get off! Get off!

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-BOOK WHINES LIKE A DOG

-Well, we're lucky.

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Every copy in London sold out by 5am.

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The final story.

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Who knows what happens to Captain Johansson and his crew?

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I do. I finished it at 4.17 this morning.

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-It's 560 pages long!

-What can I say?

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-How far did you get, Hank?

-Seven.

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Chapter seven? Well done, son.

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Page. Page seven.

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Yes, well, there's no harm savouring it.

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Emily, please can you just tell me what happened at the end?

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No! No, no, don't tell him.

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Hank, you'll feel so much better when you do it on your own.

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Emily, I don't suppose that you...

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Yes, you can borrow my copy, like you borrowed the last six.

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Ooh, I am so excited! I love these books!

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The romance, the adventure, the giant ultrapede with 14 heads.

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-SHE GROANS

-It's so brilliant!

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-HE SNIGGERS

-Have you got a problem?

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No, no, no, no. Not at all, no.

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Spacemen and aliens are all very well,

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but most people want to read about real things.

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Important things.

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Like the stuff I write.

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-You write about sport.

-Exactly.

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Which is grown men playing with a bat and ball.

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It's basically just sports day with bigger trophies.

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Ouch. Burn, Dad.

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"Ouch. Burn, Dad."

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LIFT BELL DINGS Hey, guys.

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Well, I'm glad you asked.

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Yes, I have got the new Shark Munch Madness game

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and, yes, you do get to swallow Taurus whole.

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HE SIGHS Enjoying the book, then?

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It's amazing. I heard they do an actual alien autopsy in chapter 33.

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Yeah, what part are you up to?

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Got to the bit where they torpedo the battle weasels yet?

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Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm way past that. I'm at the bit where, um...

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the alien queen eats the crew of the ship.

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Huh? But everyone knows she's vegetarian.

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-That's the huge plot twist in the second chapter.

-Oh, yeah.

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I'm actually just working my way through that now.

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LIFT BELL DINGS

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Come on, guys. Can't we just talk about something else?

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Not everyone is obsessed by the Alien Adventures.

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See?

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This is going to be a very long day.

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"From Bethnal Green to Bayern Munich,

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-"the meteoric rise of a local hero."

-HE CHUCKLES

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It's a pretty weighty profile I'm writing.

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And not a 14-headed ultrapede in sight.

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Oh, well, don't worry. I'm sure someone will still want to read it.

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See you tonight.

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Oh, you've left your...children's book.

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BELL RINGS

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Guys. Guys, we're here.

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I've survived books about kid wizards and teenage vampires.

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I can survive one about aliens, can't I?

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BELL RINGS Guys, maths with Adolf.

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No reading allowed. Whoo! Come on, guys, let's go.

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I know. Desperate times.

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-WHISPERS:

-That bit's amazing.

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Miss Wong, I presume you're studying your quadratic functions

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-for Thursday's big test.

-SHE GROANS

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Alien Adventures, The Final Probe.

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Perhaps you would care to explain

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why you'd allow yourself to be sucked into

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a mindless, populist phenomenon like this, Mr Townsend?

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Oh, it's, like, the coolest thing ever, Miss.

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It's like this massively awesome epic journey

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-through space and time and...

-Incorrect.

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Science fiction is the fungal bacteria of the publishing world

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and reading such lowbrow literature during test week

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will gain you an instant detention.

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Let me get the brand-new algebra mock test.

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Now, those ARE thrilling.

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-Looks like there's no reading for you.

-You can't either.

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No need, Zitzer. My dad got me the e-book last weekend.

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It wasn't even supposed to be out.

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I'll tell you all about the surprise ending.

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-ALL:

-No, no, no!

-Please, don't say anything.

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Fine, but you better all make it worth my while or I might just

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-accidentally tell you who dies.

-THEY GASP

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Or who doesn't.

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Delete, delete, delete, delete.

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HE EXHALES

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Let's try this rubbish.

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HE SCOFFS

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HE CHUCKLES

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HE SCREAMS

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Attention, learning units.

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The Alien Adventures is all that's on anyone's mind.

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On the news, on the web, on the street,

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pupils cluttering up corridors as they read it.

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Mr Joy. He'll put a stop to this.

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And I'm delighted to be a part of it.

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So, prepare, my little minions, to worship me as a conquering hero,

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or some kind of extraordinary demigod

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because Kathleen Murray herself, the Adventures' creator,

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has agreed to come for a book signing

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here at our school tomorrow afternoon!

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I think it's the best thing that's ever happened!

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Yeah, it's definitely up there.

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Headmaster. Headmaster, headmaster.

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OK, I know this celebrity visit is a pretty big deal.

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I think it needs a musical fanfare.

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I'm not having you assault our guest's celebrity ears.

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No, not assault. I'll write it, the kids will play it.

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It will be out of this world.

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It will be out of my school.

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Kathleen Murray is going to think Headmaster Joy is amazing.

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-Right, OK.

-Mm.

-She might dedicate her next book to me.

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Or take me to the film premiere.

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Can you see it? You're walking down the red carpet.

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Pop, pop, pop, pop! Watch your eyes.

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Now you're being interviewed. "How do you do it, Joy?"

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-I don't know.

-"He doesn't know."

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-It's a brilliant idea.

-Thank you.

-I'm glad I thought of it.

-Me too.

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-You are the boss.

-Yes, I am.

-Yes, you are.

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Yes, I am.

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What is this rubbish doing here?

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Sorry, Headmaster. I was just about to take that out.

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Only got one pair of arms, you know.

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Well, I suggest you grow another pair.

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We have a VIP visit tomorrow. Sort it out.

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My band of brothers and sisters, My Joy has given me the honour

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of writing Miss Kathleen Murray's fanfare.

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So, with your help,

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we're going to find the perfect sound for outer space.

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It's going to blow your ears off. As a matter of fact,

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the caretaker will be sweeping up little ears for weeks to come.

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Mr Rock, can't we just do that hip-hop lullaby fusion

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-that we did last week?

-No, Hank, we can't.

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Now, look, I know that you and books don't get along so well,

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but I thought you would love Alien Adventures.

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I mean, it's so filled with passion and adventure and slime.

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I do love slime.

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Outer space. I want you to play the first thing that comes to mind.

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On my count. Ready?

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Three, two, one!

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ALL PLAY TUNELESSLY

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Needs a little work.

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Frankie, Ashley, wait! Come back, come back. Come here.

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Guess I'm going to have to bring out the big guns.

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This, my friends, is a screen grab

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from level 20 of Shark Munch Madness.

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You get to attach monster trucks to the sharks

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and smash them into oil tankers. Ba-boom!

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So, my place tonight? 7pm?

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Great. I'll get the snacks in. Catch you later, shark fans.

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-Did he say something?

-Who?

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Oh, my days, that is...

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-Unbelievable!

-HE LAUGHS

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KEY CLINKS IN LOCK

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Hey, how's the big deadline going?

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Wow, you look exhausted.

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I've never seen anyone actually sweating from typing before.

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Medically speaking, that's worrying.

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This is what real passion looks like.

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In-depth character profiles don't write themselves, you know.

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-SHE CHUCKLES

-Unfortunately.

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-There you are, Headmaster. All done.

-Done?

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You've barely even started.

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I've drawn up a list.

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-It's double-sided.

-This will take all night.

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Which is exactly the amount of time you have.

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Well, get on with it.

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Done. Junk food and sharks. Now, that's a perfect combo.

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Frankie and Ashley should be here any minute.

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6.45. Let the games begin.

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7.30. Where are they? HE GRUNTS

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-BOTH:

-Whoa!

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Oh!

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PHONE VIBRATES

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It's Hank. He says we promised to go to his.

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We did? But I really need to finish this chapter.

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OK, same here. But as long as we get a move on.

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"Delayed. Won't be long."

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Great. They'll be here in a minute.

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8.25. Unbelievable!

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What's going on? You said you'd be round ages ago.

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Sorry, Hank. We just got caught up. It's the book.

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It's like some kind of addiction.

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Medically speaking, it really can alter the serotonin levels.

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Medically speaking, I could die of cheese and onion poisoning.

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I ate 16 bags of crisps while I waited for you.

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Hank, we're really sorry. It wasn't on purpose.

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We wanted to play your shark bite game. Honest.

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Yeah, I'm up for dismembering limbs any time.

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It's not like we meant to ignore you, Hankster.

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It's just when this book gets hold of you...

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You wouldn't understand.

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-What does that mean?

-It's just games are more your thing.

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We can't really read with you, can we? You slow us...

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..down.

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Cheers, Frankie. Thanks a lot.

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Hey, what happened?

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I thought everyone was coming over to do something violent to whales.

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-It's sharks.

-Oh.

-And they're too busy reading that.

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Oh, love, it's just a book. It'll all blow over in a week or so.

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Everyone's doing this thing that I can't do.

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It's rubbish. Wake me up next January.

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Hank, I know it's really hard, but you'll get through this.

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I know you will.

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Oh.

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-Thanks, Mum.

-If you want to talk, I'm just next door.

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-HE EXHALES

-Finished!

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Right.

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Right, I'm not going to be defeated

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by a bit of chopped-up tree and some stupid ink.

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Right.

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Relax. Tame the brain.

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Focus. Hold still.

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Come on.

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This is awesome!

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I'm going to prove to Frankie and Ashley that I can do this.

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I'm going to stay up all night and finish the whole book.

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ALARM CLOCK RINGS No!

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I can hardly wait to read the last chapter.

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-There's this amazing bit...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't! No.

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No...need to talk about hobbies at breakfast.

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This should be family time. How is everybody?

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We're very excited about the Alien Adventure signing, Dad.

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-Haven't you been listening?

-Oh, didn't you know, Emily?

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Your dad's not interested in the Alien Adventures, are you, Stan?

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BELL RINGS

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WHISPERS: Frankie, Ashley, about last night...

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Henry Zipzer!

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-Distracting the class again.

-I can't distract anyone, Miss.

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They're all too busy with their alien books.

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Well, well.

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Thank you, Henry. Please collect up all the copies.

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THEY GROAN

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My preference would be to burn them, but I'm feeling generous,

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so I'll make sure they're safe in the confiscation cabinet

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until Friday after the algebra test.

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-But the signing's this afternoon.

-Oh, is it?

-Yes, Miss.

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I don't care.

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Not cool, Hank. I had four pages to go.

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Excellent. Now that I have your full attention,

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you have three minutes to solve...that.

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-THEY GROAN

-Congratulations.

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You've wasted time groaning. Now it's two minutes.

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THEY GROAN

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-You there.

-Mr Joy, I've done everyone on the list.

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I worked all through the night. Even mucked out the school rabbit.

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-The school doesn't have a rabbit.

-I mucked out something, anyway.

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-Good, good. Just one more thing.

-Yes, Headmaster?

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That tree there - never liked the way it looked at me.

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-Chop it down at once.

-Yes, of course.

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Perhaps you'd like me to rebuild the science block while I'm at it.

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-There you go.

-Are you sure we're going to need all these instruments?

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We absolutely are if we're going to find that perfect sound

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for outer space.

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But no-one seems to be in the mood. Everybody's got a sour face.

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What is it? Dumpling delight with tuna fish for lunch?

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I got their books confiscated for the signing this afternoon.

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-Now they all hate me.

-Ah.

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You know, in 1982, my band and I, we started to create a concept album

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about the building of the BLT sandwich.

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It was brilliant.

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The critics said it was a sin against the ears.

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It flopped spectacularly.

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-So, you know what we did?

-What?

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We picked ourselves up, we dusted ourselves off,

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we wrote an even better album...

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-which also flopped.

-Oh.

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You know, I thought I had a point somewhere in that story.

0:17:080:17:12

This is bad. Even Mr Rock doesn't have a solution to our problem.

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I guess I'm going to find my own.

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No, no, it's OK. I got it, I got it, I got it.

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-Where are you going?

-I'm going to get the books back.

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OK, so, here's the plan.

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All I've got to do is sneak the keys off the caretaker.

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He wanted them chopping.

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Oh, I chopped them all right, on no sleep.

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Chop, chop, chop.

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And then, when no-one's looking, I slip into the staffroom...

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..and straight into the confiscation cupboard.

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Note to self - fire caretaker.

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I don't remember this being part of the plan.

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Unbelievable!

0:18:080:18:09

No. No, no, no, no!

0:18:100:18:13

What happened to the slime babies?

0:18:130:18:15

Rosa.

0:18:160:18:17

Westbrook both looks to the future and honours the past.

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It looks in both directions at the same time.

0:18:280:18:31

Like...like owls, when they swivel their heads.

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And they allow someone like you to be the head, do they?

0:18:350:18:39

That's either really impressive or really frightening.

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Anyway, shouldn't we be getting on?

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Because I don't want to be late for my next signing, so...

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-You!

-Ah!

-Sorry, sorry, sorry.

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Do you realise you've left a bonfire worth of logs

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right where we're doing our presentation?

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Dispose of them at once.

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23 years, I've been at this school.

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Miss Murray.

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Do you think you would feature an authoritive yet dashing headmaster

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-in your next space novel?

-Hmm.

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No.

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-HE LAUGHS

-Look, it's fine.

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Let me out!

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HE HUMS

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Hey! My great aunt used to hide in cupboards.

0:19:220:19:25

Thanks. I'm sorry. I'll explain later.

0:19:250:19:28

And then, of course, my great aunt thought that beavers could talk.

0:19:280:19:31

Guys!

0:19:330:19:34

-Guys!

-The ending. This is just so perfect.

0:19:360:19:42

Mum, are you sure you have to be here?

0:19:420:19:44

Oh, yes. I wouldn't miss this for the world.

0:19:440:19:46

Oh, or this.

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Oh, fancy seeing you here!

0:19:490:19:51

Fine, you got me. I love the book so much.

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If it wasn't for you, I'd probably marry it.

0:19:560:19:59

Please, I have to know how it ends.

0:19:590:20:02

OK, you've suffered enough.

0:20:020:20:04

-HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-Excuse me.

-Whoa!

0:20:040:20:06

Coming through!

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-Let me get them! Sorry.

-Hi, Stan.

0:20:100:20:12

Apparently, he hasn't.

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Your books are over here, safe and...

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-..gone.

-What are you doing?

0:20:190:20:21

Is this a prank? Where are the books, Hank?

0:20:210:20:23

"Dispose of the logs at once," he said.

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-He didn't say where.

-HE CHUCKLES

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As one inspirational icon,

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it gives me great pleasure to introduce another.

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-Get ready.

-Alien Adventure's author, Kathleen Murray.

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In my opinion, she and I are...

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How long is this speech going to last?

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Because I would like to get to my signing at Eastbrook

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some time before the heat death of the universe.

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Scrap the anthem!

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Oh, of course. The most appropriate sound for outer space - silence.

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Can I just start by saying how great it is to see so many of you here...

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Uh-oh.

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..and how much you love and nourish literature here at Westbrook.

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This is my book!

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I've had bad reviews, but this is ridiculous.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Zitzer did this. Get him!

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And this is where we came in.

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Hold it!

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Everyone, please, let's have a little dignity here.

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If you need me, I'll be inside just cleaning my tentacles.

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All right, make way. Thank you.

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Not happy. Just very, very not happy.

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Please, Miss Murray, don't leave. We all love your books.

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Well, I think you can see why I might find that hard to believe.

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It's all my fault.

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If we all hadn't loved your book so much,

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then they wouldn't have confiscated it,

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and if they hadn't been confiscated,

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they wouldn't have ended up in 1,000 pieces.

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-Actually, there's a bit of alien in your hair.

-Oh.

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And I wouldn't have fallen out with my two best friends.

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All that was on anyone's mind was the Alien Adventures.

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And you? What did you think of the big ending?

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I don't know. I can be a bit of a slow reader sometimes,

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-but I'll get through it.

-Well, how do you think it should end?

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Well, I've only got to chapter five, but what if Captain Johannson

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is chased through a wormhole by the star fungus,

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sucked through back to the beginning of time

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and then ends up as the king of a mushroom universe?

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-SHE LAUGHS

-You know, that's not bad.

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Maybe you could twist the publisher's arm

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to use a dyslexia-friendly font?

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I'm writing all these ideas down, you know.

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Don't listen to him!

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He's an exchange student from a zoo, and he's very much expelled.

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Over my dead body!

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This one's got a lot of potential.

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Right, let's get on with the signing

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cos there's plenty of copies left for everyone whose book was pulped.

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-Hi. I'm Stan.

-Oh.

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-Can I have your autograph?

-SHE CHUCKLES

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-And maybe a selfie?

-SHE LAUGHS

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No.

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I've got to admit it, Hank,

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-you do have a way of making the day more exciting.

-Thanks.

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And I'm glad you both got your books back.

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Books are so 11 o'clock this morning.

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Ooh, there's a new extreme paintball dungeon in town.

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You're guaranteed to get bruised. Want to come?

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Lead the way, my friend. Lead the way.

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As of tomorrow, we have a television crew

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joining us in school.

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Well, we just want kids with a story to tell.

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It's like being in a school full of Hank Zipzers.

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Keep them away from me.

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That's what I'm trying to do, because they should be with me.

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-To be or not to be.

-Awesome.

-That is the question.

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I seem to remember we were going to get on TV together.

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Forget all the other students.

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This is going to be a Hank Zipzer special.

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Ten times ten is what?

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Of course we're a team. I've just opened the door.

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