Educating Zipzer Hank Zipzer

-"To be, or not to be..."

-"To be, or not to be..."

"That is the question."

"That is the question."

Another question is, "Why am I reciting Shakespeare on a

"trampoline, while my head teacher pelts me with satsumas?"

It started yesterday, in assembly.

As of tomorrow, we have a television crew joining us in school.

CHILDREN WHISPER EXCITEDLY

Obviously, they mainly want to talk to me, but if they do film you,

they want to film normal life at Westbrook Academy.

So, and this is the important bit,

everyone, and I mean everyone,

is to behave exactly as you would on any other school day.

Understood?

OK, this is weird. It's like being in a school full of Hank Zipzers.

I know, fantastic, isn't it?

How are we going to get noticed in this crowd?

Because there's three of us. We'll stick out as a team.

-Plus I've got loads of good ideas.

-Like?

We could take turns being human cannonballs.

FUSE FIZZLES

BANG

Any ideas that don't involve us being shot or hurt?

Though I'm absolutely ready if we do go down the injury route!

-Just saying.

-Why would you want to be on TV anyway?

-It's a passive medium causing the decline of the attention span.

-What?

-Sorry, I stopped listening.

-You'll never see me on TV.

Yeah, not unless there's a channel for people obsessed with lizards.

Channel 489 - Reptile TV.

Sadly, they're not hiring at the moment.

You know, Emily is not wrong. 1980, they did a documentary on our band.

Did you see it? Of course you did.

But anyway, the TV crew would not leave us alone.

So you're saying if we form a band, we'll get loads of attention?

No, that's not what I'm driving at.

Can we borrow some kazoos?

We're in trouble.

CHILDREN SHOUT AND CHEER

Moths to a flame. Pathetic.

Pathetic.

Full access, Quentin, you can film anything you like.

I'm here for you. You can interview me for as long as you like.

You can even talk to my mother.

Awesome, but we were hoping to focus more on the students.

-The-The...

-The pupils of Westbrook?

On them? Are you sure?

Because, between you and me, Quents, they're a bit...

HE SNORES

Right, well, we just want kids with a story to tell.

Maybe someone who has to overcome difficulties?

You know, when I won my first documentary award...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. Look, I get it, you want a sob story.

You can't throw a brick around here without hitting some troubled kid.

Right! Follow me!

THEY PLAY 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY THEME

A-ha! Just the candidate!

The most unfortunate member of our community,

Nicholas McKelty!

STUDENTS MUTTER ANGRILY

A hopeless case. Academically useless. Written off by the system.

-But Sir, I'm a straight-A student.

-Tragic, really.

See how he lies to get attention.

-Hang on, isn't that...?

-Uh, Mr Rock, our music teacher.

-Ex-Flaming Rhino.

Former rock star, and all-time guitar legend. This is TV gold!

Sorry, how did you come to be a lowly music teacher?

Isn't this documentary supposed to be about the kids?

It is, but let's not forget about the inspiration behind the children.

Oh, my goodness. Is that a gorilla running off with your camera?

I wouldn't have thought so.

I'm going to stop it for you, you just stay right here.

Congratulations, Nicholas.

As Westbrook's most challenged pupil,

I intend to make you my special subject for the TV documentary.

-But, Sir, I excel in all areas of the curriculum.

-Exactly!

I don't want an actual underachiever, do I?

I want someone who can give me results.

You want me to act stupid, so you can turn me around,

and we'd both look good on TV?

You behave disruptively in class, I come in, take control,

-you answer back.

-OK, you pompous sack of dog-snot!

-We haven't started yet!

-Oh... Sorry, Sir.

I take you under my wing, fix you!

Now, go and wreak havoc!

I'm not very good at havoc.

I might be able to manage a small kerfuffle.

Not a problem. I was quite a scallywag in my younger days.

I'm sure I've got a few tricks up my sleeve.

-Oh, they're here!

-Out! All of you!

How am I supposed to teach in these conditions?

Award-winning documentaries don't make themselves, I'm afraid.

-But, we'll try our best not to get in your way.

-"Not" get in my way?

I had less intrusive cameras at my last medical procedure!

-I mean, what's that?

-Microphone.

So we can capture all the sounds of a classroom.

The only relevant sound in the classroom is the teacher's

voice imparting facts.

You don't need a microphone the size of a croquet mallet to hear that!

MICROPHONE SQUEAKS

(I think we've found ourselves a character.)

OK, so the kazoos didn't fly. Plan B. Prank time. Hank Zipzer,

-Nice to meet you.

-Hi.

-Ah, help!

Henry Zipzer, hand me that spare appendage and SIT DOWN immediately!

You have a...distinctive manner with the students, don't you, Miss Adolf?

Yes. Well, my methods are based on respect, love and intimidation.

They respect me, and I love to intimidate them.

You know, if you tilt your head back slightly,

you have a much stronger profile for the camera.

Not interested.

-Nicholas McKelty! You're four minutes late for class!

-Like I care.

Take a chill pill, Daddy-o.

Why's he speaking like someone from the Olden Days?

Remove your feet from that desk before I remove them

from your ankles!

This is awesome!

Um, children are like wolves.

If you show them any weakness, then, you know, you're a dead duck.

MUSIC PLAYS

And as for all you squares, got my mobile with me, playing some tunes.

Probably to divert attention from my poor academic grades

and emotional problems.

KIDS CHEER

Henry Zipzer!

WHAT IS GOING ON?

Some troubled child in need of my special lessons?

-Only Henry Zipzer, as usual.

-Nicholas!

-..Henry!

-Oh, you run special lessons for children like Hank?

Ah, eh, yes. That's right.

-Using my carefully developed teaching methods.

-Awesome.

-Let's follow this.

-Yes! Henry, follow me.

Did he just say "carefully developed teaching methods"?

Um... What about my lessons?

You said I was..."awesome".

Oh, yeah, you were awesome. But this is, um, awesome squared.

STUDENTS LAUGH

Silence! Or there'll be detention squared!

So! Special lessons, then.

Ah, yes, um, that's what I said I did, so of course, it must be true!

-So, what techniques do you use?

-In my special lessons, you mean?

-Yep.

Um...

Ah.

-"To be, or not to be..."

-"To be, or not to be..."

"That is the question."

"That is the question."

I call this the "Joy" method of teaching.

It combines...gymnastics,

oration, and yummy fruit.

Doesn't gymnastics start with a "G"?

Exactly the thing he'll learn once we're done.

Also, how does it work?

It, um, stimulates pathways within the brainal region of the head.

Sir, can we just get in Frankie and Ashley now?

-We're supposed to be part of a team.

-Keep jumping!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

-Oh, hello Mr Joy, I'm...

"To be, or not to be - that is the question."

-Um, what's my son doing on a trampoline?

-Hamlet.

It is by Shakespeare.

Often, the parents are as clueless as the children.

What are you doing here, Mum?

Oh, well, obviously I had no idea that there was a film crew here.

-You did, cos I told you!

-Hank! I knew absolutely nothing.

But I just happened to be passing with these jumpers

-that I thought you might like, seeing as it's so cold.

-Cold?

Yes, it's freezing, isn't it? Brrr! Hah. Anyway, best pop this on.

It's the deli that I run, the Spicy Salami which offers

a wonderful array of delicious foods at low, low, low, low prices.

OK, that's awesome. But, we're trying to film here.

-What about the jumper?

-Him? He's having a whale of a time.

-Hello, Emily. Oh, it's ridiculous.

-The way this TV crew's taken over?

No! The way that they won't let me show my logo!

Apparently there are strict rules about advertising on television.

They said that anyone caught wearing this jumper won't be filmed.

I'll wear it, Mum.

Oh, you're a good girl.

-12 times 3 is 36.

-Yeah?

-10 x 10 is what?

-Uh...

-Is WHAT?

-...100.

-100! GOOD!

Oh, I don't feel right.

I call this my voice operated mathematical instruction technique.

V.O.M.I.T.

-No! Anyway...

-You know, I think we should take a break.

-Ah, good, yes.

Henry, get the door.

GURGLE

Stomachs aren't supposed to fizz, are they?

BUBBLING

-Oh...

-Remember,

no child is too stupid to achieve!

A great teacher said that.

-Who?

-Me. Just then.

Ohh...

Quentin!

Just to let you know, I'm planning a lesson on medieval surgery

this afternoon.

Thank you, but I think we've got all we need of you.

What? There'll also be a demonstration!

-Well, in fact, a full reconstruction.

-Is that all?

A documentary has to find the heart of the story,

and this story is really all about the kids.

Right, well, in that case,

-I could put the children in the demonstration.

-Oh!

That's him! it's Mr Rock!

Hey, Mr Rock, how does it feel to be out of the limelight? Mr Rock?

Mr Rock!

Anyone would think the nauseating little man had star quality.

So I was on the trampoline and then a spinning chair,

and they were filming the whole thing.

I seem to remember we were going to get on the TV together.

-Yeah, something about "being a team."

-Yeah, of course we're a team.

I've just opened the door.

-Now they're interested, I can get you in with me.

-Really?

-Yeah, of course, trust me.

-Hey, you lot. Cake's up!

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

-This is for you.

-Thanks, Mrs Zipzer.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no!

You're not eating it now. You can eat it tomorrow. On camera.

With smiles on your faces and, uh,

if you could drop in the occasional comment like,

"when you need to feed an army, get yourself down to the Spicy Salami."

Yeah, we're not going to say that.

OK, how about this one, "Don't be silly, don't be barmy,

"just get down to the Spicy..."

-You're just embarrassing yourself now.

-OK...

OK, hang on! How about this one?

-"We're not far, and we're not pricey..."

-Mum!

Oh, all right, all right.

SHE TUTS

-Hello?

-Miss Adolf, is that you?

-Yes.

-Are you alone?

-Yes.

-Good.

-Hi.

-Hello. We need to talk.

-About the television people.

-Yes! Keep them away from me!

That's what I'm trying to do, because they should be with me!

SHE SIGHS

I hate to ask your advice on this,

but you seem to have some sort of power over them.

They only care about you if they find you interesting.

Interesting?

-OK.

-It's all about appearances.

Appearances...

-Glamour over substance.

-Glamour?

-Thank you, Mr Rock. You've been extremely helpful.

-Any time.

No, I think this is probably the only time you'll ever be helpful.

Did she really just say that out loud to me?

Hank! Ready to roll?

Yeah, but all this stuff with the trampolines,

-it's not really what the school's all about.

-Oh, tell me -

-what is school all about?

-For me, it's about my friends.

I've got these amazing friends, Frankie and Ashley.

And they're the reason I come to school.

It's like, without them, I'm a total underachiever, but with them,

I can do anything. I've got loads of energy

and confidence, and I don't need anyone else.

Hank, that's awesome. You know what,

for the rest of the filming, we're just going to focus on you.

-But that's not what I...

-Forget all the other students.

This is going to be a Hank Zipzer special.

Ah-ha-ha, come on, let's get everything sorted.

-But you're not listening!

-Well, WE were listening all right.

-Who needs friends, eh, Frankie?

-Yeah, Hank doesn't need anyone else.

But that's not what I said, I mean it is what I said,

but... Frankie, Ashley!

Hank Zipzer! My office! Now!

-Sir, please can I just go and talk to my friends?

-No, you can't!

Quentin wants to see results, and in spite of my efforts last night,

you didn't manage to learn anything!

I've learned your techniques don't work.

Well, that's not going to help you when you have to recite

Shakespeare from memory in front of the whole school tomorrow afternoon!

-But don't be nervous, you'll be OK.

-How?

Because, Zipzer, you and I are going to cheat.

-I borrowed this earpiece from the television people.

-You stole it.

"Stole" is a very ugly,

very accurate word.

But that's irrelevant.

Just pop this in your ear during the demo

-and I will feed you the right thing to say.

-Do I have to?

By all means refuse and make a lifelong enemy of me in the process.

It's entirely up to you. THAT was sarcasm by the way.

You're doing it.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Oh, Miss Adolf. You look...different.

Hah... You flatter thee, Quentin.

-Did I? When?

-I find it's important to look one's best when teaching.

-Are you OK?

-I'm awesome-cute, Quentin.

Almost feel I could burst into song.

# Alas my love you do me wrong to have cast me out discourteously

# And I have loved you so long

# Delighting in your company

# Greensleeves was all my joy Greensleeves was my... #

-Awesome, awesome. Yeah, great.

-Oh, oh, ha-ha-ha-ha!

Sorry, um, I wanted to ask you something.

Quentin, would that be professional?

Um, where can I find Mr Rock?

Hank!

You are the rudest human being I have ever...

So, how are you feeling about your demonstration this afternoon?

Mr Joy seems confident.

He's not the one on a trampoline having fruit thrown at him.

Usually in these situations, I talk to my friends,

but that might not be an option.

What am I saying? It's always an option. Frankie, Ashley, wait.

-I need to talk to you.

-Thought you were too busy being a TV star.

That was a misunderstanding, I'm sorry, I really need your help.

- Right, last chance. - OK.

The thing is...

Can I have a moment?

-Oh, absolutely. Don't mind us.

-No, it's just I don't want you

filming me talking to Ashley and Frankie.

Yeah, I get it, we're stealing your limelight. Unbelievable!

-Forget it, Hank. Come on, Frankie, let's go.

-No, wait, guys!

Hank, don't worry about them. Yeah? Let's get some more shots.

Argh!

Eurgh!

-Please, just give me some privacy.

-Oh, yeah. Of course, of course.

Er, don't be long!

What did he have for lunch?

-Oh, Mr Rock.

-Hi, Hank.

-You don't...live in here, do you?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm hiding out.

You know, the TV people when they come after me,

-they come like zombies.

-Tell me about it, you were right.

This is losing me my friends.

How did the Flaming Rhinos get through it?

Oh, well, thank goodness I had the emotional maturity to handle

-that situation.

-So what did you do?

-I hid in a cupboard.

Ah, Mr Joy!

All systems go for our big demonstration this afternoon,

but where's the star of our show?

I'm right here! Ha-ha! Ta-da!

-No, Hank.

-Yeah, right, of course.

Um,

I will go fetch him.

Cheers, thanks.

Henry Zipzer, come in, Henry Zipzer.

Hank, don't worry.

You sit tight, this whole thing's going to blow over.

MR JOY ON EARPIECE: 'Henry Zipzer! If you don't come here this moment,

'I will dedicate myself to blighting the rest of your academic career.'

Did I say blow over? I meant blow up.

I've got a problem. Zipzer was last seen running into the boy's toilets.

-I think he's bottled it.

-Ew, that's disgusting...

So, it's back to Plan A. Do you know Hamlet and your 12 times table?

"To be, or not to be, that..."

I don't want to hear it - they do! Now, get up on that trampette

and start soliloquizing.

Yes, sir.

-THROUGH EARPIECE:

-'To be, or not to be - that is the question.

'Good lad, McKelty.'

Look at that. Your problem's solved.

He's already found a replacement.

-I suppose so. I'm off the hook.

-Yeah!

But, then it looks like Mr Joy can cure learning difficulties

with fruit.

What if they actually think Mr Joy's a genius?

What if they actually believe him?

I'm going out there to tell them the truth.

-I'm Hank Zipzer, and I'm an underachiever.

-You do that, Hank.

Be strong. Don't hide from your problems.

-Great, are you coming with me?

-No chance!

Close the door on the way out.

Oh, Miss Adolf, do you know where the cameras are?

They're in the hall for some ridiculous demonstration

-with your son.

-Perfect.

Er, it's strictly no parents.

Oh, no, I'm not here in a parental capacity.

-Catering. I've got a Spicy Salami cake.

-Sounds revolting.

Oh, no, it hasn't got any salami in it. Look!

Anyhow, I've got to get it in front of the cameras.

Wait!

I knew I should have gone for rollerblades.

Ladies and gentlemen, students, viewers at home,

just days ago, Nicholas McKelty was a no-hoper.

Destined for a life of failure.

But, I do not give up on students.

Sorry, what happened to Hank?

Forget about him, he was useless.

Then I introduced Nicholas to the

Joy system of learning. Ha-ha-ha-ha, and a miracle occurred.

To be, or not to be - that is the question.

-Hank, there you are, awesome.

-I think this is yours.

-Where did you find this?

-Ask Mr Joy.

I need to talk to the cameras.

Here goes.

Sorry, everyone, but I need to tell you something.

-Out of the way, Zipzer, you had your chance.

-No, I need to say this!

To be, or not to be - that is the question!

Argh, I need to tell you that this technique does not work.

Henry Zipzer!

Sorry, what is happening to my documentary?

EVERYONE SCREAMS AND SHOUTS

THE STUDENTS LAUGH

I'm going to build sandcastles...

Big sandcastles...

And then decorate...

I am a serious,

award-winning director!

And you have tried to deceive me with cheap tricks and cheating!

Look at me! I am covered in cake!

STUDENTS LAUGH

Ah, yes, but not just any cake.

This is cake from the Spicy Salami deli made with the finest

-Italian ingredients.

-ENOUGH!

We are not continuing this documentary any more!

We're finished!

EVERYONE LAUGHS

Oh, and I was just starting to enjoy myself.

Can we go back into lessons now, please?

..So I did mention both of you, you just somehow didn't hear it.

Don't worry about it. You were probably on a swivel

-chair or something.

-Sorry you didn't get to be on TV.

Mm, forget it. At least we didn't have to do this!

To be, or not to be in a documentary - that is the question!

Quick, kids! You're on TV!

Rewind it, show them!

NEWS ANNOUNCHER: And finally today, chaos broke out

at local Westbrook Academy.

It was all caught on camera by a visiting documentary team.

-MUM: Look, there's me!

-All over his face! Oh!

No-one was seriously hurt in the incident,

although Headmaster Joy was treated at the scene.

-And me!

-Yeah!

Footage clearly shows the children were traumatised.

-And me!

-...And me.

Everybody's there apart from you, Hank.

You know what? That's fine by me. Mr Rock was right when he...

Mr Rock!

I forgot to tell him the cameras had left.

Someone will have told him, right?

OK... You know what? I'm going to give it five more minutes.

Ashley saved my life today. She's acting like I did her the favour.

Today, Westbrook Academy gets to host a surprise teaching inspection.

Do somebody else a favour.

Find somebody in need and pass them on the mojo.

My being here brings out the basest survival instincts in them.

This is not the way I expected things to happen

when I decided to do something good.

You know what? I'm starting to think me and Nick could be friends.