Hank's Good Turn Hank Zipzer

Psst, down here, it's me.

Trapped in a sofa under some teachers.

This is not the way I expected things to happen

when I decided to do something good.

OK, let me explain the story "so far".

SOFA, get it?

Nope.

Nope. Nope, nope.

Nope, nope. Nope.

Could you be more messy?

Nope.

You should keep your books filed using the Dewey Decimal System.

I've just tidied up in here!

Found it! It was under Dad's football boots.

Oh, thanks, Hank.

-They're a bit dirty, aren't they?

-Yeah.

What? Right, enough. That is enough.

Does no-one else care about the state of this flat?

Look at it!

Look, there's plates everywhere, there's congealed tomato ketchup,

there's coffee grounds on the floor...

How did a sock get on the mug tree?

DOOR SLAMS

Oh, perfect.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Today is a special day,

a very special day,

for today, Westbrook Academy gets to host a surprise teaching inspection.

He loves that word, "special".

Where some see falling standards, I see transformation.

Where some see surprise inspections,

I see Mr Joy, super-head.

The question is, what do you see?

I don't think you want me to answer that question.

It's unbelievable. It's like they think that cleaning fairies

-pop out of the cushions the minute their backs are turned.

-Kids!

No, it's not just the kids, it's Stan.

I mean, how hard is it to clean a plate?

Oh, but it's always the woman's job, isn't it?

Men have a higher tolerance of filth.

But you keep this place tidy.

Ah, but I was taught by the best.

When I started working at my father's deli,

He let everything lie around for a week just to teach me

how quickly things can get out of control if you don't clean up.

That's a good idea.

Yes, we had 15 cases of food poisoning and one lengthy

court case, but it really taught me the importance of hygiene.

Yes, that is a really good idea.

Ah, Inspector, what a pleasure to have you here.

-What a lovely suit.

-Grr.

-What would you call that, midnight blue?

A head teacher once tried to influence me.

I ate his packed lunch.

Cold baked beans and an ice smoothie.

Yes, it's this way.

-Hey, guys. Oh, give me a go at that.

-I don't know, Hank.

Why, what's the problem?

I've got problems with throwing. They think it'll go in my eye.

-It might go in my eye.

-Or his eye.

-Or my eye.

-Or her eye.

Guys, I promise, no beans are going in anyone's eyes.

Oh, nice, you got it, dude!

HE SPLUTTERS

He's choking!

And if I might show you inside,

I'm sure you'll find an environment which prioritises excellence.

Grr.

Ah!

-FRANKIE:

-Let's go!

Whoa, did you see that?

Yeah, that was my first-ever Heimlich manoeuvre.

-It was amazing! Give him another bean.

-No way.

Let's get to class before either of you two

start hurting any more teachers.

Ashley, you just saved my life.

I know. Thanks so much, I loved it.

8:59 - the patient's respiration has returned to normal with no

apparent damage to the airways.

Miss Adolf, this is impressive.

It's so... What is it?

It's a plan, Mr Rock, for your next lesson.

-A lesson plan.

-Mm-hmm.

You know, I've seen one in the wild.

Yeah, I actually think I have a lesson plan here.

There it is.

"Teach and inspire children."

Inspiration has no place in the classroom.

I'll tell you what has no place in the classroom, Miss Adolf.

Let me show you, OK? All right? This has no place in...

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to do that a little later.

Mr Rock, your slack, freewheeling attitude may have impressed

-the low-lives in backstreet discotheques...

-Arenas.

Impressed those low-lives in major international arenas.

It will not impress the school's inspector.

Oh, you think I'm going to make you look bad.

I hardly think your ill-prepared teaching provision is likely

to impact on MY assessment.

No, your sunny disposition and guidance for all the kids -

that will handle that.

You honestly think you are going to get a better grade than me?

-Oh, are you up for a challenge?

-I most certainly am.

-Game on!

-Oh.

No.

No!

In your places!

Books out. Now!

Sorry, got a bit waylaid.

It was Mr Rock's fault.

-Right, so, if you could...

-Grr.

-Problem?

-Er, no.

-Right, class, if you could turn to page...

-Grr.

Are those arranged using the Dewey Decimal System?

No, I don't think it...

Grr.

-BELL RINGS

-Bella! All right, get out of here.

Now, if you enjoy the lesson, I want you to write a good review,

give it to the inspector.

If you didn't enjoy the lesson, report to the nurse,

get a memory wipe.

Hank, I sense something is wrong. What's going on?

-Ashley saved my life today.

-Oh, that is a terrible thing!

Of course that's the reason to be down.

It's not that, I... I want to pay it back to her

but she's acting like I did HER the favour.

OK, you know what I do when somebody does me a favour

and I can't pay them back?

I pay it forward, do somebody else a favour.

Find somebody in need and pass them on the mojo,

make the world a happier place.

I don't know what a mojo is but that sounds like a great idea.

-Thank you, Mr Rock.

-Oh, my goodness!

All I have to do is save someone, like Ashley saved me.

There's bound to be someone in trouble round here.

There's one!

BIKE BELL RINGS

Oh, he did it himself.

Hey, look out!

Oh, she saved herself. This is harder than I thought.

That ice cream is going to drop!

I'm going to do it this time!

OK, maybe not.

Oh!

I'd like to offer you my help.

Urgh, why are people so hard to save?

It looks so easy in my imagination.

Is someone there? Help, this lock's broken!

Quick, get me out!

Ah!

Oh...

Ugh...

I'll get some help!

Ashley, you have to come! Someone's been hurt!

-Two in one day?

-SHE MOUTHS

Oh, Inspector!

Fancy running into you in one of our many specialist, erm, corridors.

Might I ask how the observations are going?

You'll be appraised of our findings at the end of the process.

-My new apprentice.

-Oh, we don't really...

-Grr.

Why not? After all, Westbrook prides itself

on its stellar careers advice.

-I've shown her all the broken Bunsen burners.

-Oh, have you?

-How wonderful.

-Next up, the faulty lock on the toilet cubicle...

I don't think the inspector is interested in looking at toilets.

Why don't you just...?

Oh, look, an incident! Let's inspect it.

Put him in the recovery position.

Ah!

Ah, ah, ah, it's just our weekly toilet first-aid practice.

-Nothing to worry about.

-Why is a girl in the boys' toilets?

Good point. You are a girl, let's get you out of here.

Emily, fetch the nurse.

It's meant to be like that. It's specially designed.

Grr.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Stan, everything OK?

Really? No clean plates?

Well, erm, maybe you could try washing one up.

Yeah, maybe.

Oh, hang on.

Yeah, no, it's all right, I'll eat them out the pan.

Ugh...

Wonderful! If you've learned something today, make some noise.

EVERYONE PLAYS TUNELESSLY

I'll tell you, we are onto something special here.

KNOCKING

Sorry to interrupt, Mr Rock. I don't suppose you have that paperwork.

-Paperwork?

-Mm.

-Paperwork!

Yes, you know, targets, progress reports,

attendance records.

Oh, THAT paperwork! That paperwork.

Oh, yes. Well, I had it.

I don't know where it is.

No need to trouble yourself, I'll just look in your desk.

Oh!

Why, Mr Rock, your desk seems to be full of pretzels.

Yeah. You know, I wondered where these guys went.

Homesick.

-It's almost as if you don't have any paperwork at all.

-No!

Eek!

This is very common.

My being here brings out the basest survival instincts in them.

Perhaps your paperwork is in your cupboard.

Miss Adolf, do not open that!

Ahhhh!

I always knew that one day I would just knock her right off her feet.

-Grr.

-Grr.

-Grr.

Ah!

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure smashing someone's face in

is the opposite of giving them a helping hand.

There's no doubt about it, I owe McKelty a double-big favour.

So I'm cleaning his bike. He'll be really pleased about this.

I got the bike really shiny.

That's got to make up for smashing his nose in.

-Say again about the front wheel?

-Oh, I got it back on. Good as new.

Whoa. Whoa!

CRASH

Three in a day!

Is everything all right, Hank? Anything happen at school today?

-Not really.

-Not really?

There were three major health and safety incidents.

It's all here in my report.

Right, anyone notice anything?

-Have you had your hair done?

-That's it, got it.

-Yeah.

Yes, that's it.

That's what's different around here, I've had my hair done.

Right, anyone for dinner?

OK, so there's only one clean pan,

so I've just cooked everything together.

There we are.

Excuse me, thank you. There you go.

Right, and there's no clean plates either, and no clean forks,

so dig in.

I suppose we should be grateful it's not soup.

Mm.

BELL RINGS

So, yesterday I messed up, but today is going to be different.

Today it's wall-to-wall good turns for McKelty.

I brought in some of my mum's pastries. Want one?

-What did you do to them?

-Nothing, they're delicious.

If they're so nice, you eat one.

No. That one.

Nishe, ishn't it?

That's all right, you can have the rest.

Phase one complete. Now for phase two.

Carrying bags.

Ah!

Three - pushing up ramps.

-Thanks, Zipzer.

-No problem.

What's that?

That's awesome. A little mean, maybe, but awesome.

You are a seriously talented artist.

It's just a caricature, I do them all the time.

These are brilliant!

-Can you do anyone else?

-I guess.

Do Adolf. No, do Joy. No, do Adolf and Joy and the inspector.

OK, but you need to keep a look-out.

I can't do this, I can't do this.

Trousers on the floor!

How can anyone leave trousers on the...?

SHE WHIMPERS

Be strong, Rosa.

You can do this.

Don't let the pants beat you.

You should all have projects to hand in. If you'll just...

Grr.

Just ignore us.

If you'll bring them to the front.

Grr.

-I'll get it.

-Come on, quickly, quickly.

Oh, a tatty folder.

-MR ROCK:

-I hope we're not too early!

You know, we're going to use music today to teach maths.

Yeah, it's Miss Adolf's idea.

What? I...

The song we're going to sing today is called

Square Roots Are Not Square.

Miss Adolf wrote it.

I most certainly did not.

It goes like this.

# The square root of nine is three

# The square root of nine is Hey, don't ask me... #

-Did you hand in my folder?

-I did.

But my project's in the orange folder.

What folder did you hand in?

Erm, the blue one.

The blue one? But that's got...

BELL RINGS

That's enough! Everybody out!

# The square root of nine is three... #

We've got to do something. We can't let her see that folder.

It's OK, I've got a plan.

Hi, Rosa, are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I nearly did some tidying up but Katherine talked me out of it.

She likes the flies, you see.

Rosa, look at this mess!

What have you been doing?

What you told me to do.

You said this is how Grandad made you tidy up, remember?

That was totally different!

That was to keep tidy at the deli, our place of work.

At home, the tidying is a woman's job.

-Oh, er...

-What?

Rosa, calm down. He's just an old man.

Stan, get out of my way.

-You didn't mean it, did you, Pete?

-Well, yes, didn't I? I mean...

-I think you better run.

-OK.

Argh!

Miss Adolf, the inspector is looking for you.

Oh, no doubt about that debacle with Mr Rock.

She went that way.

Nicholas, what are you doing?

Mr Joy, Inspector,

so nice to see you here right outside the staffroom.

Nicholas is one of our most outstanding students.

-Yes, school fills me with JOY.

-Um...

Do you want to inspect my chair?

-What?

-Please.

Is this a deliberate ploy to impede

the work of a government-appointed inspector?

No, of course not. Get out of the way, Nicholas!

No, inspect my chair.

Ah, another day, another surprise meeting.

This is a designated fire-escape route! Move!

Ah!

Oh, ah...

It's fine, he's injured rather than disabled, so it's absolutely fine.

Shall we just, um...?

Principal and Inspector person, congratulations,

you've made it into the teachers' lounge.

-And, uh... No!

-No?

HANK GASPS

-What was that?

-I don't know. I didn't hear anything.

-Anybody hear anything?

-Sounded like a gasp.

It's my gaspy...cushion.

Gaspy cushion, yes, that's a thing.

You know, it's like a whoopee cushion, except it goes, "Ahhhh,"

instead of, well, you know what I mean.

Ah, Inspector, there you are.

I don't know what Mr Rock has been telling you

but I absolutely do not subscribe to music in class.

-No!

-Ah!

-Oh.

Gaspy cushion.

And this is where we came in.

I didn't even manage to get the folder.

Well, whatever Mr Rock has been telling you, we have a very

traditional approach to mathematics here at Westbrook,

as I'm sure you'll see if you have a look at these recent projects.

You know what is amazing to me?

You have not seen the boiler all day long.

I don't want to see the boiler.

No, and I think that's a good choice because the boiler,

it makes such strange noises and gurgles and...

I don't think it's safe for anybody to go down there.

A dangerous boiler is an instant whole-school failure.

It's like the Holy Grail of inspection.

Take me to the boiler, now.

If anyone is showing her anything, it will be me.

-MISS ADOLF:

-And me.

I think we'll be fine without you, Mr Rock.

I can't agree more.

Grr.

Mr Zipzer, can you please explain to me

why I just blew the last of my cool on a gaspy cushion?

OK, I can explain.

The pictures are in the blue folder? Right, OK.

Wait a minute, if the inspector finds those pictures

in Miss Adolf's homework, then she gets a bad assessment and I win.

Win what?

You know what? Never mind, never mind.

Just go get the blue folder.

Oh, look out, everyone!

-Henry Zipzer, stop running!

-I was wheeling, Miss.

You know, technically he's right, he WAS wheeling.

You know, I've got to apologise for interrupting Miss Adolf's

math class because she is such a fine, fine educator.

She is a pinnacle of educational professionalism, that's what I say.

And, um, you know what I think?

I think that you should give her top marks.

As for me, I'm going to go

sit in a dark room until I've come to terms with what I've just said.

Please, Inspector.

You know what? I'm starting to think me and Nick could be friends.

Maybe paying forward the mojo really does make the world a happier place.

Whoa! Oh, oh, ah, oh!

What? Can't be me.

Mm.

Looks like multiple contusions and possible trauma. Fantastic!

I hate you, Zitzer.

This school is history.

I doubt it. After all,

who is going to believe someone with a concussion?

Particularly when the reports give such good marks.

I'll just change a few of these and, Emily,

the apprenticeship is over!

Oh!

Well, this is nice.

Ah, looks like I finally got through to you.

Sorry, love, we'll try and keep on top of it in future.

-It's not really so hard.

-Yeah, tidying is easy.

It's just finding where to put everything is the hard bit.

What do you mean?

ALL: No!

Maybe we'll stay at mine tonight.

I've got an idea for our assembly. It's a dolphin song.

-You think he likes me, then?

-Yeah, I do.

I don't know, cos I've got something better to do.

Aren't we working together any more?

-What was that?

-That was me winning Anya back.

-There's something up with Emily.

-Really?

-Yeah, she's acting oddly.

Emily's got her first crush, how brilliant!

Good luck, kid, don't mess this up.

-Anya, I...

-Nick offered to do my dolphin song with me.

That doesn't mean they're definitely going out.

I've got to win her back, Frankie.

As I predicted, a total disaster.