My Girlfriend has Flippers Hank Zipzer

# Don't be a lonely dolphin Cos here I am

# I'm a dolphin

# And I can save you, lonely dolphin

# With my dolphin song. #

And, no. I have no idea how we got here.

All I know is that it started with an idea for an assembly.

-I've already said "no".

-But I would like to do the next assembly!

As much as everyone loved your three-hour assembly on statistical

handling of Maths data, Miss Adolf, I think it's someone else's turn.

-Me?

-Him!

Yes, Mr Rock.

And this is not another opportunity for you to play guitar or

-talk about the tour of '72.

-Great time!

An actual assembly, where actual learning takes place!

But I already have an assembly prepared!

-You do?

-Perfect.

-OK, so what's your idea, babe?

-An assembly on marine life.

-Oh, marine life, that sounds good.

Specifically, the cyprid larvae stage of the barnacle life cycle.

-Starting with modified antennules.

-That sounds less good.

Mr Joy, clearly Mr Rock is not going to be capable of...

No, it's about sharing ideas.

Does anybody know anything about barnacles?

Does anybody know anything interesting about barnacles?

-Anya?

-Barnacles live upside down, don't they?

One time, I did a handstand for

five minutes and it made my head hurt.

Nice. Anybody else?

Anya?

Well, I don't know anything else about barnacles,

but I do know things about sea urchins and dolphins.

Wait a minute! I think you're on to something!

Of course! We don't have to do this about barnacles,

it's just about marine life.

We can do this about sea urchins, about fish, about dolphins.

And when I say we, I mean you.

"Oh, thank you, Mr Rock. What a great idea.

"Very nice of you to mention." OK, I need you to pair up.

OK, Frankie and Ashley, uh, Nick with Toby.

Hank, you've got Anya.

-Hank, obviously I won't be able to work with you.

-You won't?

-It'll just be too awkward since we've broken up now.

-Broken up?

I didn't even know we were together. Well, there was the...

-Will you be my date to the Valentine Dance?

-Yes!

Absolutely, definitely! That would be completely, totally, just...

-"Wow, I was squeaky back then."

-Cool.

But, I didn't know we were "going out," going out. I wish I'd known.

You know, breaking up is not a reason not to work together.

I mean, I did some of my most creative work

when I had a bust up with my band-mate.

The last four years of Flaming Rhinos,

this band-mate would only talk to me through the drums.

Snare for "yes", hi-hat for "no".

OK, I'll work with him but I'm not

smiling and I'm not making eye contact.

Which won't be weird at all.

At the end of the smallest bronchioles are alveoli.

These are small sacs that are lined by a thin layer of cells.

The tiny alveoli are the place where oxygen enters...

HER VOICE ECHOES ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

So, about the thing you said earlier...

Not making eye contact is hard, I'm still not smiling, though.

And, also, I've got an idea for our assembly.

-Cool, so we should talk about that, then.

-It's a dolphin song.

-I like dolphins!

-It's about a lonely dolphin.

On her own. Because the other dolphin missed their one-month

anniversary, and their two-month anniversary and also their

three-month anniversary, and the other dolphin didn't even

notice when she changed her parting to the other side of her head.

Well, what if the other dolphin said he was really sorry?

-He tries, but it's too late.

-Why?

Because the lonely dolphin is caught

in a tuna net and it's dragging her away forever!

DOLPHIN CLICKS

Told you not to eat tuna sandwiches, Hank!

I never knew dolphins were so complicated.

If I had known we were going out, none of this

would have ever have happened. I would have remembered our

one-month anniversary AND our two-month anniversary.

I might even have noticed her different parting. OK, probably not.

-Man, I really miss her.

-How can you be upset if you didn't even

-know you were going out?

-You wait until you've broken up with

something you've not known you were going out with. I've got to win her

-back, Frankie. What do I do?

-Hank, I will pass on to you

everything I know about girls. You must be cool, act like what

she does makes no difference to you. If she's in the room, pretend

she isn't. Or pretend you've got something more interesting to do.

-Like burping the alphabet?

-Yeah, that or something else.

But most important of all, though, never, ever tell a girl what you're

-really feeling.

-Why not?

-Because girls be crazy.

Be they? I mean, are they?

I can't have written the words myself. There must be a

logical explanation. It makes no sense.

OK, point taken.

-Did you hear about me and Hank breaking up?

-I didn't exactly

-know that you two were going out.

-He wasn't a very good boyfriend.

He said "hi" a couple of times, but if you like someone you say

-more words than "hi".

-Uh-huh.

-My dads both think

I'm definitely too good for him.

The thing is with Hank, he probably didn't know what

else to say except from "hi". I know he talks a lot but

-it's different.

-To what?

-To talking to a girl he really likes.

-You think it likes me, then?

-Yeah, I do.

-Thanks, Ashley, I'll get

my tree book in case he wants to ask me to the park to look at leaves.

Then, if I really did write those things, maybe I'm ill.

Maybe I'm hallucinating. Well, I'd have to be, if I was going

to write "sparkling eyes."

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Thanks.

What's happening to me?

I trust you're taking exceptional care of my assembly materials?

I think you will find them almost untouched.

But don't you need the information on the cyprid larvae?

-All completely digested.

-The modified antennules?

Well, we modified the antennules and

then we modified the entire barnacle theme.

-"We?"

-Well, the kids and I. They came up with incredible ideas

-on the Marine Day theme.

-Oh, dear, you're not making the mistake

of encouraging children, are you?

Well, I will do anything to avoid barnacle boredom.

-Do not aim too high, Mr Rock.

-No.

Think of Icarus.

Yes, I'm going to write that down.

And also health and safety regulations.

Absolutely.

All right.

Note to self, ignore everything that lady says.

Three of the best chocolate milkshakes in the Western world.

Thanks, Papa Pete.

Hi.

I always walk this way. Except when I walk the other way.

-Which is quicker, and it has more interesting clouds.

-Does it?

Hank, about this dolphin song, I don't think the lonely

dolphin should be too lonely. Because they are very

sociable, so I think they should talk.

Even if it is awkward.

Time to play it cool.

Yeah, I don't know, because I've got

something better to do.

Better than our dolphin song? Aren't we working together any more?

Yeah, I'm just kind of over dolphins now, like, you know,

me and the guys've been working on some pretty sweet seagull stuff.

Don't you want to work with me?

Yeah, well I'm just more into the seagull thing now.

OK. I think I'll go, then.

-WHAT was that?

-That was me winning Anya back!

I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

-It was. Wasn't it?

-You're wrong. So very wrong.

Well, you see the thing is Ashley, I don't quite think you know girls

-the way I'd do.

-I AM a girl!

-Hmm...

-I thought you were hungry.

-Yeah, strange. So did I.

So hungry, you couldn't wait till dinner?

I assumed it was hunger, but...

If it's OK with you, I think I'll go to my room.

Of course.

It feels very odd, Catherine. Like indigestion.

But, I didn't eat too fast, because I didn't eat.

He is objectively a solid specimen,

with a symmetrical face, but I'm not usually

interested in things like fringes.

But then I noticed his eyes sparkled.

Which of course, was obviously some trick of the light easily explained

if we recreate the circumstances of the experience.

That's it! I'll solve the mystery of the sparkling eyes using science!

Thank you, Catherine. This has been most helpful.

-There's something up with Emily.

-Really?

-Mm.

Yeah, she's acting oddly. She's staring off into the distance.

She barely ate supper. You know she always eats.

Mm. That is worrying. Maybe she got an A- in something.

Well, you know I don't really like to snoop,

but I do feel that if a parent has deep concerns

-then snooping's allowed, right?

-Yeah, absolutely. In fact, I think

snooping is allowed even for mild worry or just boredom.

OK, right.

A+, A+, A+...

Oh, check this out.

BOTH: Ooh.

-Aww!

-Ah!

Emily's got her first crush, how brilliant!

I don't think this is brilliant, Rosa.

In fact, it feels the exact opposite of brilliant.

-What are you going to do?

-OK, well, first of all just breathe.

And then just do nothing. I'll handle it all.

Oh, I'm so excited, my first

mother-daughter girlie chat with Emily about love.

Shouldn't you do that now?

-Stan, it's 11 o'clock at night.

-Yeah, no time like the present.

Stan, Stan? Give me back the book!

Stan! Your fingers are turning...blue.

BELL RINGS

No obvious source of light refraction.

It just doesn't make scientific sense.

-Are you sure about this?

-Totally.

-OK, OK. I'll tell her I was an

idiot and I definitely do want to sing the dolphin song with her,

but what if she just doesn't like me any more?

-Trust me, she still likes you.

-Hmm.

OK, here goes.

DOLPHIN CLICKS

Good luck, kid. Don't mess this up.

DOLPHIN CLICKS

Anya, I... McKelty.

-Hi, Hank.

-What's going on?

Nick offered to do my dolphin song

with me because you said you didn't want to.

-Because you like seagulls now.

-I've been working on some lyrics.

Perhaps I could sing them to you.

I already have got a lot of lyrics but OK, I guess.

# Don't be a lonely dolphin

# Because here I am

# I'm a dolphin

# And I can save you, lonely dolphin

# With my dolphin song. #

HE MAKES DOLPHIN NOISES

-So if you come along...

-This is going to be a great seagull dance.

I think we should spin and bend down in this neck bit

so it looks like we're swooping in to catch fish.

I don't know, can't we do something a bit more like this?

No, cos seagulls don't break-dance.

Well, I don't think I should be a seagull any more.

Maybe I'll be like a really cool guy just busting out some moves

while you're kind of a seagull flapping around in the distance.

You're too obsessed with being cool. Look where that attitude got Hank.

Your advice wasn't any better.

Well, it would have been if he'd listen to me any sooner.

Mr Rock?

Yes?

Don't think we need fear you'll fly too close to the sun.

Plummeting into the ground at high velocity seems more likely.

Why don't you just cool your jets, Miss A? When you see

these people perform, your socks are going to go up and down.

Mr Rock?

-Yes, my darling Molly?

-Could I be an iceberg?

What a great idea. Yes on being an iceberg. One condition.

You be the most creative, most wonderful iceberg in the ocean.

Cool, I've always wanted to be an iceberg.

Well, that or a political correspondent. Or a wizard.

Yeah, well you follow your dreams.

You will be hoisted by your own petard, Mr Rock.

Already happened. '72 tour. That's why I don't wear Lycra any more.

It will look weird if I'm a seagull and you're just a guy on the beach.

Oh, maybe you could try and steal my chips?

Do you want to show me the dance move for that?

THEY LAUGH

-Nice. What do you think, Hank?

-I think just because Anya and McKelty

are working together, that doesn't mean they're definitely going out.

Two dolphins can sing a song together and not go out, right?

Wrong, sorry, Hank.

Yeah, sorry. Maybe you need to active even cooler.

You know develop a dismissive walk, or...

Listen, it's got nothing to do with walks.

-It's about showing her how you feel.

-Can't you guys agree on anything?

-No!

-Yes. No.

-Ye- No.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-No.

-Yes.

-We can, yes.

ASHLEY GROANS

But I can't dance like a seagull if I'm not feeling the seagull vibes.

Oh, I know, Hank should be a seagull!

I don't think I'm feeling the vibes either.

Oh, come on, man, this could be what you need. Don't you reckon, Ashley?

-Actually, I think I'm with Frankie on this one.

-I guess.

But this doesn't mean you get out of being a seagull, all right?

We're all doing this for Hank.

OK, but can I at least be a break dancing seagull?

OK, fine, we'll work it in. So the swooping move goes like this.

Yeah, I think I've got that.

THUMP

Um, yeah it's nearly there. We'll just try it with the music.

MUSIC PLAYS

-What's up, Hank?

-There's still a bit of me that wants to be a dolphin.

Have you ever seen light where there logically shouldn't

have been light? Um... And in seeing that light, on one hand you

thought, "that's scientifically impossible," but on the other,

-"wow."

-Not exactly.

I think I need to talk things through.

Absolutely. And you know who you need for that, don't you? Your mum!

Rosa? Rosa!

Blimey, what's taking her so long? Rosa!

She said she needs to talk. With you, please? Not with me.

-Oh, she so reminds me of me.

-Really?

-Yeah, I mean, you know obviously as

I've got older I've got more confident, but when I was her age,

I was a wreck. I once told a boy that he had nice earlobes and then

I got so nervous that when I went in to kiss him,

I head-butted him instead.

-Well?

-No, actually I don't think I'm the right

person to talk to her. I think... I think she needs a best friend.

Catherine, there is only one possible explanation -

perceptual bias. I think his eyes sparkle, not because they

actually do, but because of the lens I view him with.

And it's only now that I've had the chance to look at

this situation objectively. And I can see where it's all heading.

Tomorrow, Catherine, I think it's time to tell him how I feel.

I knew you'd agree with me.

Mr Rock? What do you think?

Did I go creative enough?

If by "creative" you mean "massive", you have outdone yourself.

You're going to knock these kids right out of their chairs.

Come here, let me place you right here.

Anya? A preshow present.

I didn't know we were doing presents.

I didn't get you anything. I'm sorry.

It's fine, you didn't have to get me anything.

It's for your charm bracelet. So, no matter where you are

you can look at this dolphin and think of me.

I... Didn't wear my charm bracelet today.

It just didn't seem like something a

dolphin would wear but thank you.

All right, everybody, let's take our places because it is showtime!

Obviously we have a connection which is very deep.

I think we should go out.

And, when we're ready, tell our parents about it.

They'll want to meet, and it'll be awkward.

But we'll laugh about it afterwards.

It's what comes next that concerns me. I intend to go

to Oxford, or Cambridge or Harvard but I've seen your grades.

And it's unlikely that you're

going to get into any of those universities.

So, we'd have to have a long-distance relationship.

Arguments on the phone, disagreements online, but one

day you'll call and I won't pick up because I'll be studying with

some sweet, slightly nerdy boy who just gets me.

I think that we both know deep down

that it just won't work between us.

So, it's best that we end it now.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages.

Welcome to the best, the most creative,

the biggest Marine Day assembly ever!

Prepare to have your minds blown!

Sit up! Sit up!

Hank, me and Frankie were talking.

And we're both in agreement. You even said it yourself.

You're not a seagull, BOTH: you're a dolphin.

And now, for your edification and entertainment allow me to introduce

Frankie and Ashley doing their very famous seagull dance!

DANCE MUSIC

And now, this is about dolphins.

# Here I am, a lonely dolphin

# I used to be a happy dolphin

# But my boyfriend didn't text me

# Don't be a lonely dolphin

# Cos here I am, I'm a dolphin...

Oh, this is a disaster. McKelty's won Anya over, and now the crowd

are going to love him too. I've got to do something.

# With my dolphin song. #

MCKELTY MAKES DOLPHIN NOISES

-# I'm not sure what I'm doing...

-#

Ah!

This iceberg is too heavy!

Anya! Look out.

I've got you!

Wow!

Are you OK, Molly?

I should have gone with political correspondent or wizard.

-But, I'm OK.

-OK, that's wonderful.

In that case...

OH, MY, SOMEBODY HELP ME!

ASHLEY: First Aider coming through!

Oh, my leg!

-Wow, that was amazing.

-My favourite bit was about the crabs.

-As I predicted, a total disaster.

-Did you not hear those kids?

-They loved it, everybody loved it.

-Yes, yes, I knew it was a

brilliant idea of mine to have staff share ideas. I must have

missed the bit about barnacles, but otherwise, excellent.

-Thank you.

-I suppose, in your eyes, the approval of children

makes this whole farce worthwhile. Even at the expense of a broken leg.

It's not broken.

OK, you're right, you win. It's broken.

Could you take your hand off my leg, please? Thank you.

-You are a ridiculous man.

-And you are filled with warmth, madam.

-You saved me.

-No, I just...

-You saved me.

DOLPHIN CLICKS

SPLASH

-So, did it work?

-Are you back together?

Yes, but mainly no.

She's moving. It turns out the whole lonely dolphin thing is

-just a metaphor because she's been dragged away.

-What, you're kidding?

I wish. One of her dads got a new job in Edinburgh and

-they're moving there.

-No way! the dolphin's still going to be lonely.

Yeah, but at least this time the boy

dolphin is going to remember to text.

Man, all of that and she's still moving. Girls be crazy.

-Next time, be cool.

-Frankie!

I think Mr Love has forgotten he's no longer the headteacher of

this school. The Mayor will be here tomorrow to present this

-award to me. ZIPZER!

-I didn't do this, Sir!

-Then what is that?

-Caught purple-handed, graffiti boy.

-It's like I don't know him.

-Why does no-one believe me?

You are excluded from this school.

Oh, my... Hank, have you totally lost it?

-What are you doing?

-You? What's your name?

-Hannah, Miss.

Who are you, anyway?

I'm going to find out who tagged that wall and get my life back.