Undercover Hank Hank Zipzer

'Can you believe it?

'A girl has finally fallen for Nick McKelty.

'Who could be duped by that two-faced, grade-grabbing faker?

'Oh, yeah. That would be me.'

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

This is going to take a bit of explaining, isn't it?

'It all started when our school won some stupid award for...'

Best disciplinary record in the borough.

The mayor will be here tomorrow to officially present

this award to me,

at which point,

you will break out into spontaneous applause.

Let's practise.

Louder.

Louder. Louder!

Standing ovation!

Thank you.

Thank you for that warm, warm welcome.

I know how much you've all missed me.

Well, I wish I could stay longer

but, sadly, my successful writing career/global media empire

means that, after receiving my award tomorrow,

I will need to leave straightaway. Probably by helicopter! Ha-ha!

Oops! Students, I think Mr Love has forgotten

he's no longer the head teacher of this school!

It will be me who will be receiving this award.

-What does it say there?

-"Sponsored by Pruitt's butchers,

"more bangers for your buck."

No, below that. It quite clearly states that the award

is for the period when I was head teacher, so...hand it over!

Yes, I see my mistake.

How lucky we are to have Mr Love to come back to receive it.

I will hold on to it until tomorrow.

Best head teacher - Joy or Love?

Neither, they've both got it in for me.

That was weird, Mr Love being back, acting like he still runs the place.

When I leave this place, I am never coming back,

even if they give me a million awards.

And the award for World's Most Untidy Locker goes to...

Hank Zipzer.

Actually, you go. This might take a while.

'Is your child happy getting Bs at school?

'Are they happy coming in second place?

'Are they happy being friends with only moderately attractive people?'

If you want your child to be one of life's winners,

then you need Tough Love by me, Leland Love.

As a head teacher,

'I turned generations of no-hopers into go-getters.

'Let me help you do the same for your little loser.

'Tough love - you have to be cruel to be kind.'

Are you joking? You've got to be kind to be kind.

Life is not about getting As and coming first all the time.

Says the failed rock star with the shattered dreams.

With a gold album and a million fans. You?

Listen, kids need tough love and the parents obviously agree,

because the sales figures are through the roof.

I think you'll find it was teachers like me in the classroom

who turned the no-hopers into go-getters.

Yeah, but I provided the inspirational leadership,

hence the award I'm getting for my outstanding work.

Let me show you around MY school.

-You'll be amazed how much it's improved since

-I

-took over.

I've actually got another video, the director's cut, so if you...

-I'll pass, thanks.

-Me, too.

-Me, too.

What, too emotional for you?

-Bring a lump to your throat?

-It brings up something in my throat,

that's for sure. I mean sick.

I got it the first time.

"This skool suks".

You're right, I'm amazed.

Discipline is falling, and spelling standards, too.

-Zipzer!

-I didn't do this, sir!

Oh, really? Then what is that?

Caught purple-handed, graffiti boy.

BARS SLAM

OK, so everyone seems to have missed the "I didn't do it" part.

I see you've gone slightly overboard with the office.

Shame.

Well, I suppose some people HAVE taste, and others have...this.

Shall we talk about the indelible stains

I found on the carpet of the old one? Or shall we move on?

Let's move on.

Miss Adolf told me that she caught you last week writing

"I hate skool" - with a K - on her board.

I was mad because she gave me an F

for writing my homework in green pen.

She didn't even read it! That corridor thing wasn't me.

You had motive, means and opportunity

and a big purple hand that says "guilty".

And to think that Hank showed such promise under my leadership.

How quick the flock turns bad when the shepherd leaves.

Henry Zipzer, you are excluded from this school.

That's exactly what I would have done.

However, under my new disciplinary system,

you will be allowed back here once you confess to your crime

and show remorse.

-Could do that.

-What's it to be, Hank?

Confession, or a one-way ticket to exclusion town?

-Why didn't you confess?

-Because I didn't do it.

Paint on the wall, paint on your hand.

Quod erat demonstrandum - you did it.

-Even Katherine could work it out.

-Get lost, lizard breath.

-You always think I'm guilty.

-Hank, don't talk to your sister like that.

Do you know what? I'd love to believe you,

but this purple paint stain is a bit of a giveaway.

I have to say, Hank, I am very disappointed.

We've spent hours working on your spelling.

It wasn't me! Why does no-one believe me?

I'll prove that I'm innocent by catching the kid that did it.

-How? By looking in the mirror?

-Ohh!

-Hank!

-I'm going to bed! Don't wake me up tomorrow.

Which is Hankish for "I've got a great idea brewing".

You're never going to catch the criminal.

You're excluded from school.

Maybe I could invent an invisibility spray so I can sneak in.

Nice one.

Come on, Hank, you can't mope in bed all day.

You're not going to get up, are you?

I'm beginning to think Hank's telling the truth.

I've never seen him so down.

Well, that's because he's got a guilty conscience.

He needs to own up, apologise and be done with it.

I think you're wrong.

In fact, I'm going to go down to the school and protest his innocence.

I'm going to get them to change their minds.

He said he didn't do it.

He also said that he didn't use my special towel

-to dry his hands last night.

-Oh, sorry - that was me.

This old towel is from Italia 90.

Half the England team have got purple faces now, thanks to you.

Sorry, lads.

School's not going to be the same without Hank.

Yeah, it's going to be all lessons and no laughs.

Are you new to Westbrook?

You can walk in with us, if you'd like.

Thanks, I'd like that.

-Oh, my...

-Hank! Have you totally lost it?

What are you doing?

I'm going to find out who tagged that wall and get my life back.

-Well, he is a good-looking girl.

-Thanks! What you think of the voice?

Too much? I could go a little higher, or a little lower.

This is your maddest idea ever.

Don't listen to her. You go, girl!

Mr Rock, I'd like you to compose music for when I receive the award,

-please.

-Oh, you do?

Yeah. Something that really captures the grandeur of the moment.

Perhaps use your admiration and respect for me

-to really shine through in the melody.

-Oh, trust me, it will.

OK. Lighting guy, can you get lots of pink?

Yeah? Because yellows wash me out.

Give me as much yellow as you've got.

-Mr Joy...

-Hm?

Mr Love just asked me to compose music for the award ceremony.

Is that OK with you, Mr Joy?

I'm afraid you'll be too busy composing MY music.

Oh, I wasn't aware that you asked me to compose anything.

-I did.

-When?

-Now.

-Oh.

-I'm thinking a theme tune as I enter or exit the room.

Well, I asked first.

Well, he'll have to do us both, won't you, Mr Rock?

But mine first.

I want it to go...

-Boom-boom! Boom-boom!

-Ba-boom! Ba-boom!

Yeah, I want it to ba-boom, ba-boom, and then... Ah-haaaaaa!

And then, bing-bing-bing, bing-bing!

-Bing-bing?

-Bing-bing, and then...

And then...ah, angels crying.

-Angels crying.

-Children weeping!

Let me think about this, OK? Let's stop right now.

The disguise is totally working, no-one is even looking at you.

It's called perceptual blindness.

No-one expects to see a boy in a dress at school,

-so they don't spot it.

-Oh, no. Here comes McKelty.

See? Even McKelty can't tell it's you.

OK, let's look for clues.

Ashley, you're on forensics.

-Check.

-Frankie, you're on finding witnesses.

The school register? Check.

And I'm on getting these tights off as soon as possible.

How do you wear these things?!

So you make money from selling all this rubbish?

One man's rubbish is another man's gold.

Piles and piles of gold.

Oh...

-FROM DOLL:

-'Crybabies are not-prepared-to-try babies.

'Whiners aren't winners. Second place is first loser.'

What a repulsive toy.

And a bargain at just £8.99.

-You've got purple paint on your face.

-What? Where?

Not on you.

On YOU.

HE SIGHS

Who could do such a thing to such a lifelike replica?

And only £15.99 plus free stick-on swimwear.

I've spotted 437 fingerprints and collected 23 different hair samples.

-Any witnesses?

-No,

but I did get a ton of guys asking me to give you their number, so...

-Score.

-I guess I'm flattered(!)

So, apart from some dates, we've got nothing?

Who else apart from you spells "skool" like that?

No-one. Miss Adolf always tells me

I'm the only person in the school that has spelling this bad.

So someone deliberately spelt it like that

-to make it look like you'd done it.

-Who would do something THAT twisted?

ALL: McKelty!

He must have waited until we were all in assembly.

And snuck along here when no-one was around.

McKelty is one evil dude.

Stop dawdling and get to class.

You! What's your name?

-Hannah, miss.

-That skirt is too short.

-Knee-length means AT the knee, not above the knee.

-Yes, miss.

Hmm.

We can prove McKelty did it if we can link him to the spray can

and I think we all know just where to find it.

-His locker!

-The toilets!

That was going to be my next guess.

I think these tights might be affecting my brain.

We couldn't find the spray can.

I think McKelty must have stashed it in his locker.

My hunch is, it's still in there.

So, we need to get rid of him so we can break into his locker.

I think he's onto you.

No, I think he's INTO you.

I can't believe this is happening.

Still, it IS one way to get him away from his locker.

There's a bit of dirt there, still there, still there...

Forget it, I'll get a student to do it.

Mr Joy, Hank tells me he is not responsible for the graffiti

and I believe him. You need to let him back to school.

I will - when he confesses and apologises.

Please don't stand on the red carpet. It's for VIPs only.

Visibly Irate Parents?

Because that's me!

Mrs Zipzer, I must insist you leave before the mayor arrives.

I'm not leaving until you let Hank back in.

Look at what one of your little hooligans has done to me.

Oh, hi, Mrs Zipzer.

-Hi, Mr Love.

-I'm sure the culprit will be found, though, personally,

I think it's a definite improvement.

That's the same purple paint used in the corridor.

What? That means that whoever wrote on the wall must have done this,

and it couldn't have been Hank, because he is at home, excluded!

-Oh, dear.

-Well, if there's been a...

Grave miscarriage of justice.

..a mistake, I'm sure we can sort it out.

Tell him he can come back.

Come home with me right now and apologise to my son's face.

If I was head teacher, that's what I'd do.

And that's what I was about to suggest. Please, lead the way.

-Bye, Mr Love.

-Bye!

Right, how do girls talk to boys?

Like, how would you flirt?

I'd ask if you'd ever broken any bones and kept copies of the X-rays.

Boy, you are one fun date(!)

Listen up. Guys love a girl who laughs at their banter,

-so keep the jokes rolling.

-But McKelty never says anything funny.

What can I say? Girls have it tough.

-BOTH:

-Testify!

-Go on.

My friend Hannah likes you.

Tell her she's got exceedingly good taste.

Tell her yourself. She wants to meet you over at the science lab.

Let's hope you two have CHEMISTRY!

Give me a break, I'm new to this.

'And off to the science lab I go. Wish me luck.'

Do you want to be that player always being shown the red card?

Missing matches, getting booed by the fans,

or do you want to be the player with a clean sheet?

Respected by everybody, idolised by the fans,

raised shoulder-high after scoring the winning goal

in the World Cup final?

Yeah!

A-A-A-hhhhh!

Mr Joy, you know my husband Dan.

Always a pleasure. Just having a little pep talk with Hank.

Look at my poor boy. He's so upset he can't even get out of bed.

Hank...

There appears to have been a mistake.

I'm afraid this is what happens when you get interference

from less qualified ex-heads.

Please except his...

-Um...

-..and my sincere apology for this unfortunate episode.

OK, Hank? Come on, you've made your point.

Come on, get up and make friends again with Mr Joy.

Hank?

Hank!

-Oh!

-Ha-ha! I knew it!

He snuck back into school to deface that cardboard cutout of Mr Love.

Your son is a one-boy crimewave, and he must be stopped.

I mean, I can't believe you fell for the pillows-under-the-duvet trick.

How gullible are you?

He lied to me.

He looked me straight in the eye and told me a whopping fib.

It's like I don't know him.

I can't believe I wasted my World Cup motivational speech on a pillow.

Normally, I find it awkward

talking to girls, but it's weird.

With you, I don't have a problem.

It's like I've known you for ages.

'Question. How do I get myself into these situations?

'Eurgh!'

Me too, Nicholas.'

Nick, please.

You look...very familiar.

You're not related to Hank Zipzer, are you?

He's my cousin.

-Poor you.

-You don't like him?

I thought everyone liked Hank.

He tagged a wall saying "skool suks".

How could he say that about Westbrook?

Being in assembly yesterday, seeing that award -

it made me so proud to wear this uniform.

You were in assembly? You didn't pop out for a minute?

And miss the head's inspirational speech? Never!

I heard someone sprayed that wall to make it look like Hank.

No, this has got Zipzer written all over it.

-Just like that wall!

-He was in assembly, so he can't have done it.

I've got to stop them from breaking into his locker.

Can you just wait here while I nip to the loo?

-Might take a while. Tight issues.

-No problem.

Um... Isn't the girls' toilet that way?

Oh, yeah. I'm always getting that wrong.

-Hey, Hank! That is a great wig.

-How can you tell it's me?

Are you kidding? I know these things.

1972, I wore a full dress for a year.

Glam rock!

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Now, those were the times!

I would love to stay and hear the story, but I've got to go.

-Sure.

-Did you have problems with the tights?

The itching!

Next time, we're going to go over eyeliner tips.

I got a million of them.

CREAKING

Oh, give it here.

Remind me to never arm-wrestle you.

It helps if you paid attention in physics when we studied levers.

Ooh, fluff-remover! Awesome!

Bingo. Got you now, McKelty!

Silly string! He's starting to grow on me.

-I don't think he did it.

-We were starting to think the same thing.

What now? Now we need to fix this locker

before I get into any more trouble.

Ah! Head teacher, Mr Joy! Welcome to my school, Mr Mayor.

The school with the best disciplinary record in the borough.

Or at least it was when I was head teacher.

Hi. Mr Love. I'll be receiving the award this evening.

Well, they do say two heads are better than one!

Ooh!

Would your Royal Mayor Royalness like to come this way?

Oh. Just a word of warning.

There has been an increase in crime since I left, sadly,

so do keep your valuables on you at all times.

He's joking!

Mr Love is famous around here for playing the clown.

Pupils have absolutely no respect for him.

Oh, Mr Mayor!

I'm so happy to see you.

I love all your mayor-ing work.

I love ALL your work!

I've got all the Flaming Rhinos albums!

I'm a big fan!

I especially love Big Green Candy Shower.

# Do-de-do-de... #

Mr Rock, stop bothering the mayor.

I've been thinking, Mr Joy, why don't you collect the award?

You want me to have the award?

No, why don't you collect the award from your office

so the mayor can present it to me on stage in front of everybody?

You three!

My office now!

Hank Zipzer.

Yes, sir.

Where is he?

I know you're friends of his.

-We haven't seen him, sir.

-I'm pretty sure he's at home,

-because of the exclusion.

-I've been to his home

and there's nothing there but a big pile of pillows.

Uh-oh!

-Do his parents know?

-They know,

I know, and now I want to know what you know.

Have you seen Hank? Have you seen Hank?

Have you seen Hank? Who are you, anyway?

Oh, come on, we can't keep the mayor waiting.

-Where's the award?

-It's right here.

HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

It's been stolen! And no prizes for guessing by whom.

-Zipzer!

-He didn't do it.

I mean, why would he steal some stupid award?

Um, it's not stupid, thank you.

It's mine. And now Mr Joy is going to come to the hall

and explain to the mayor how he lost it.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Stay here. I'm not done with you three.

And IF Zipzer decides to steal anything else,

tell him he's on CCTV - put in last week.

Oh, sorry I dragged you two into this whole mess.

You're kidding! This is the best fun I've had in ages.

Whenever something bad happens, everyone thinks it's me.

-I just wanted to prove them wrong for once.

-I think you can.

The footage from that will show us who took the award.

You can find the footage?

Hannah, dude, I can do so much better than that.

When I think about what has become of this proud institution

since I left, it brings a tear to my eye.

Hit it, Zo!

BAND PLAYS ROCK MUSIC

Hold it. Hold it! What on earth was that?

Oh, that's the mayor's favourite.

HE SHOUTS OUT

Anyway, back to me.

When I was head teacher, we didn't have walls vandalised,

display stands defaced, awards stolen.

Oh, by the way, if you've had an award stolen,

why not replace it with the Golden Leland - or Gleland?

Yours for a special one-off payment of £199.99,

or why not try one of our low-interest repayment plans?

Hit it, Zo.

Leave the music. Leave the music.

Perhaps it's time for a change in leadership at Westbrook.

Perhaps it's time to bring back the Love.

Roll VT!

'The Leland Love story.

'This is the story of one man's rise from humble beginnings

'to become the greatest educator the world has ever known.

'Cometh the hour, cometh the man.'

Great film, Mr Love,

but I've got an even better one to show you.

Everyone thought it was Hank Zipzer who did all those bad things. -

Well, looks can be deceiving.

-Zipzer!

-Zipzer?!

Oh, I'm going to be sick!

I can't believe you guys didn't know that was Hank Zipzer!

Let me show you who's really to blame.

This is an outrage! Put my film back on, please.

HANK: And I think you can guess who did the purple spraying, too.

Nice knowing you, Mr Love.

Not so much fun when you're the one being caught, is it?

You know what? I enjoyed this ceremony.

It was well worth spending the school's IT budget

on the CCTV system.

It will be me who will be collecting that award.

Mr Rock, his exit music.

Hit it, Zo.

-Forget it!

-Forget it!

-We'll do without it.

I'm sorry we didn't believe you, Hank.

I'm sorry, too. But now you need to say sorry for stealing my skirt.

I only borrowed it and it's still in one piece.

Your tights, though...

Not so much.

I don't understand why Mr Love would do such a terrible thing.

He was trying to make Mr Joy look bad so he'd get his old job back.

I thought he was making loads of money with his books?

Turns out no-one's that keen on "tough love".

-Are they, Mr Love?

-Is it me, or has he lost a bit of weight?

It's Mother's Day and this year,

we're going to give your mum a day she deserves.

Here we have the Outside-In camp.

No, no and no.

Surprise me? What are they going to do, blow up the apartment?

-Ah!

-That's my Mother's Day present, I need to fix it.

Trust me, Henry, your mother will thank me.

Welcome to the great outdoors...indoors.

Into your sleeping bags.

Katherine?

Where's the wood glue?

Ah! A zombie attack!

-Ah!

-The beast!