The Crunchy Pickle Hank Zipzer

For the most part, your essays were acceptable.

Mr Townsend, rudimentary but passable.

And Henry Zipzer.

Here we go again.

I can barely bring myself to say this, but...

..A.

-What? BOTH:

-What?

No!

THEY LAUGH EVILLY

'Yes, I know this is an odd way to react to an A grade,

'but trust me, this is the worst thing ever.

'It all started when Mum got offered a new job.'

So, it's a big, beautiful deli called The Crunchy Pickle,

and the owners want me to run it.

What's wrong with this deli?

Exactly. Is working with me so bad?

Oh, come on, Dad. This is a big opportunity for me.

But is it safe?

I mean, employment in the food industry,

it's highly unstable. What if they fire you?

Well, thanks for that vote of confidence. Why would they fire me?

Well, you do have a bit of a habit of losing your temper, love.

I have no idea what you are talking about.

Agh!

No! No! Agh!

Take that!

They have all forgotten about Mother's Day.

I was hoping for at least a nice meal,

but I don't even think I'm going to get that.

Just Christmas fun.

-Get out of my way.

-I mean...

-I think you better run.

-OK.

Agh!

OK, OK, I get your point. Well, it could be a bit of a risk.

Plus, it would mean that the whole family

would have to move to America.

Say what?

Oh, yeah, because The Crunchy Pickle is just

the biggest deli in New York.

New York? That's, like, the most awesome city on earth.

I've always wanted to write about baseball!

And America has a huge native lizard population.

Over 60 species of legless lizards alone.

-We have to go.

-Emily's right. We have to go.

This is weird.

I know. It's the first time we've agreed on anything ever.

Why would you want to be on TV anyway?

It's a passive medium causing the decline of the attention span.

-What? Sorry, I stopped listening.

-I still need you to do 164.

-Pour the gravy into the serving jug.

-I'm doing it!

-SHE GASPS

-The plan. It's ruined.

-Hank, you're so clumsy.

-I'm just trying my best.

Sorry I'm not perfect like you, Emily.

Quod erat demonstrandum. You did it. Even Catherine could work it out.

Got lost, lizard breath. You always think I'm guilty.

ALARM RINGS, HE GASPS

Item number one failed.

I want you in that kitchen in 30 seconds.

Someone needs some Christmas spirit.

OK, just to be clear, even though we agree on this,

it does not make us...

-friends.

-Eugh!

What do you think, Dad?

Rosa, I'll miss you, of course, but I left Italy and came here

on a great new adventure, and now you must do the same.

I'll throw you a big party to celebrate.

-You're not coming with us?

-I can't. The Spicy Salami is in my blood.

But I will come and visit, often.

I'm getting too old for the cheek pinch,

but I'll let him off just this once.

-BOTH:

-America?

-Isn't it the most awesome news you've ever heard?

-Not really, no.

-Going to miss you, dude.

You can come and visit me in New York.

It has the best fast food in the world.

Burgers, hot dogs, pizza, fried chicken, pancakes, doughnuts!

Give me a second. HE SLURPS

Better.

-When are you leaving?

-Hmm, that depends on Miss Adolf.

She's coming with you? Man, that does suck.

No, but I heard Mum and Dad talking last night.

Don't worry about your dad, love. You heard him - he wants us to go.

It's not so much my dad. It's more Hank I'm worried about.

It'll be a fresh start for him.

You know, a chance for him to put all his disasters behind him.

Don't need to exaggerate. It's not that bad.

Rosa, we'll be lucky to have escaped without a lawsuit.

-Whoa, whoa!

-CRASHING

Ooh!

Agh!

Whoops.

The key thing you need to make awesome pancakes, or Hancakes,

is a frying pan. STAN HUMS

-Now you want to get some butter from the fridge...

-Agh!

Dad, you completely ruined my fake accident.

I can't believe I'm going to be able to play with

a Fit-Zopia One in games this afternoon.

Get...in!

-Oh! Agh.

-Oops.

-Sorry.

-Hmm, yeah.

OK, so, maybe a fresh start could be good for him.

But he's been working really hard.

Look, there's even a tick on this page.

Maybe going to a new school might actually set him back.

Or, like a footballer transferring to a new club,

it might turn him into the star striker.

Why does everything with you have to be about sport?

Tell you what, tomorrow, why don't we go and ask Miss Adolf

-how he's getting on?

-That's a good idea.

And then, if he's doing really well,

we can forget about the move and stay here.

Oh, yeah. Thanks, love.

Yeah, all right.

-Back to bed?

-Yeah.

For the most part, your essays were acceptable.

Mr Townsend, rudimentary but passable.

Miss Wong, thankfully, up to your usual standard.

And Henry Zipzer...

And this is where we came in.

..well, I can barely bring myself to say this but...A.

No!

-What's wrong, Hank?

-Yeah, that's your first ever A.

-I know!

And this is going to stop me from going to the land of squeezy cheese.

-Looks like you might be stuck here with us, dude.

-Or maybe not.

All I need to do is annoy Miss Adolf before my parents arrive.

And that just happens to be my specialist subject.

Miss me? No need to give an answer.

Experience tells us it would only be the wrong one.

Ah!

Prank, Zipzer! You got Miss Adolf.

Come on. Don't look at me like that. It's cheeky.

You! What's your name?

-Hannah, Miss.

-That skirt is too short.

-Knee length means at the knee, not above the knee.

-Yes, Miss.

-Now, don't be late for detention.

-Detention, Miss?

Well, for the next month.

You don't think you can vandalise a textbook

and get away with it, do you?

Now, copy these into your notebooks neatly.

Who threw this missile?

-ALL:

-Me, Miss!

-Thanks, guys, but I've got this.

-It was me, Miss.

-No, it wasn't Hank.

-It was me.

-No, it was me.

-It was me.

-No, it was me.

They're taking the blame for me and totally ruining my plan.

I thought they were my friends. Why would they do that?

THEY PLAY ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA

OK, I think I've almost got it. That's it, pull me out.

Ugh!

-ALL:

-Yeah!

I'm starting a magic blog. Want to be in it?

As long as I don't get sawn in half.

That's so going in one of my videos.

-Oh, my...

-What do you think of the voice? Too much?

I could go a little higher or a little lower.

I've got these amazing friends, Frankie and Ashley,

and they're the reason I come to school.

It's, like, without them, I'm a total underachiever,

but with them, I can do anything.

I have the most awesome friends.

Why did I ever think I could leave them?

-OK, forget what I said. I'm staying right here.

-Good.

Cos I'd hate you to miss out on your punishment for throwing this.

-BOTH:

-But it was me!

-Stop covering for him.

This crime has Henry Zipzer written all over it.

-See me after school.

-This is a mess, guys.

She's going to give Mum and Dad such a bad report,

they're bound to move me to America.

Get back in her good books before your parents arrive.

In five minutes? BELL RINGS

Leave them to me.

Now, before you all go,

I am sick and tired of you all leaving my classroom

resembling a pigsty.

I want this place cleaned up.

Is anyone listening to me?

I am, Miss.

Let operation "make Miss Adolf say nice things about me

"to my parents" begin.

Oh!

-Henry Zipzer!

-Oh, no.

My sword should never be touched.

It is not a toy.

Neither is it a litter-picking device.

Detention! Indefinitely!

Oh, Miss Adolf sent me to show you the way.

Don't want you getting lost, now, do we?

Oh, isn't Miss Adolf's classroom that way?

Oh, no, the corridor's closed for a clean-up.

Don't ask, just be glad you didn't get the seafood surprise.

OK.

OK, we need to keep quiet, so shh!

Look, Catherine.

These are all reptiles that are native to North America.

It's important we make some new friends while we're over there.

The eastern collared lizard looks nice. What do you think?

I know it's going to be hard, moving to a new country,

but we've got to be brave.

We've got lots of amazing memories to take with us, haven't we?

SHE GASPS

You got me.

You pranked me and...I enjoyed it!

Who knows what happens to Captain Johansson and his crew?

I do. I finished it at 4.17 this morning.

But it's 560 pages long.

What can I say? I'm an outstanding human being.

Right, Catherine, I need you to keep a close eye on this gravy. No lumps.

-I am proud of you!

-Really?

Yes, you're like a suffragette.

You show 'em, comrade.

(Mr Bakowski - he does not like to lose.)

That's a pity because I really like to win.

He's objectively a solid specimen with a symmetrical face,

but I'm not usually interested in things like...fringes.

But then I noticed his eyes sparkled...

..which, of course, was obviously some trick of the light.

It's funny how you don't start to miss a place

until you're about to leave.

Haven't we been down this corridor twice already?

No, no, definitely not.

-How...how big is this school?

-Oh, it's big.

Um, actually, I need to go and check the map. Wait here.

It's the same room!

I messed up. Change of plan.

Tell them Miss Adolf's busy and take them to see Mr Rock.

He likes me. He'll give me a great report.

I feel sorry for all the other teachers -

they don't stand a chance - because Hank Zipzer is in the house!

Mr Rock is the best. FANFARE

He's way better... EXPLOSION

..than the rest. QUACKING

Hank! Will you make a speech tomorrow

-explaining why I should be Westbrook's top teacher?

-You bet!

I've got a spot at Glennington Rockstival next weekend.

-Rockstival?

-Yeah.

-Hey, Mr Rock keeps rocking.

-Hey! My great aunt used to hide in cupboards.

-Thanks.

I'm sorry, I'll explain later.

And then, of course, my great aunt thought that beavers could talk.

Haven't you heard of Zipzy and the Zipzers?

Did you get their latest single, Coughing Up Chicken?

They're on in 20 minutes, come on.

Oh, I miss the Rock family Christmases.

The tree, the food, Granny Rock, body surfing at midnight mass.

-That sounds awesome.

-But he's American.

Won't he say it's an awesome place and that you should go?

-Well, if it's so awesome, why is he living here?

-Good point.

Mr Rock's away for the day.

He's being inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame.

-Now what do we do?

-Hey, Hank.

Miss Adolf sent out a search party to find us?

I just had the best idea ever.

Miss Adolf thinks it's best

if you get an update on my progress from Mr Joy.

I'll go see if he's free now.

So, you want to me to say nice things about you,

so your parents would move you to a school in America?

Look, I had to lie or he wouldn't say nice things about me.

-Yes, sir.

-So how long would you go for? Like, a term?

-Forever.

-Forever?

Like, no more Zipzers? No more school disasters?

No more memos from your sister telling me how to run the school?

-Come on, sir. We haven't been THAT bad.

-Oh, please.

You Zipzers have made being head teacher at this school

an utter nightmare.

Your son is a one-boy crimewave and he must be stopped.

I've come to complain about Goodness Fizz

advertising their product all over the school. OK...

Ah! I knew it was only a matter of time

before you would come in here complaining, Zipzer.

Look what one of your little hooligans has done to me.

-Oh, hi, Miss Zipzer.

-Hi, Mr Love!

What on earth is going on here?

There seems to be a mistake with the timetable, Mr Joy.

Zipzer! My office now.

-I've been doing some research into Goodness Fizz.

-Oh, great.

-I've discovered something very interesting.

-What's that?

-It's junk.

-Zipzer!

-This is my dad's lucky two-headed coin.

Where has it gone?

Don't listen to him! He's an exchange student from a zoo.

Might I ask how the observations are going?

-I've shown her all the broken Bunsen burners.

-Oh, have you?

How wonderful.

Next up, the faulty lock on the toilet cubicle...

I don't think the inspector's interested in looking at toilets.

Why don't you just...?

I said enough!

OK, we haven't exactly been...easy.

But if you want rid of us,

all you have to do is big me up to Mum and Dad.

We'll make a list of nice things to say about you.

Right, go.

There's actually nothing in my mind.

-Me neither.

-Ah!

-No.

-No?

-OK, how about we just make stuff up?

-We're going to have to.

OK, tell them about the time I saved the school from burning down.

FIRE ALARM RINGS

Where did the baby come from?

-Who cares? It sounds heroic.

-It does.

-Hmm.

-What else?

What about the time Miss Adolf gave me a trophy

for my amazing school work?

Congratulations, Henry.

FANFARE PLAYS

Hooray!

-They'll never believe that.

-Never.

How about...?

FANFARE PLAYS ON THE KAZOO

He's won an award for the best pupil

with a surname that begins with the last letter of the alphabet?

He was up against some stiff competition from Sally, um...

Z? Um, Zeppelin.

But Hank was the obvious choice.

He's improved so much in his time at Westbrook, I can't tell you.

-I have to say, this is not what we were expecting to hear.

-No.

Ah, just the people. Your son is the worst-behaved student

I've ever had the misfortune to teach.

Yeah, that's what we were expecting to hear.

Wait a second, Miss Adolf. Let's not be too hasty.

Hank has made marvellous progress recently.

What on earth are you talking about?

He's been an unteachable disaster since day one.

What Miss Adolf is trying to say

is he's a spirited boy with a creative imagination.

No! I mean he's a disruptive terror

who delights in challenging my authority in front of the class.

Precisely.

He's a breath of fresh air who keeps teachers on their toes.

In my experience, the fault usually lies with poor parenting skills

and a lack of discipline in the home. Hmm.

-Excuse me?

-I beg your pardon?

Did I mention the time

when Hank saved a baby from a burning building?

Yeah, I think we're done here.

You know, he's clearly not getting the education he needs here,

so maybe a move to America will do him the world of good.

That's wonderful news!

No more Hank! I mean, oh, no!

What a loss to our school.

Do you need any help booking flights?

Cos I can happily do that for you.

-Yes!

-Come on, Hank, we're leaving.

Thanks for trying, guys.

-Come to my leaving party, though, yeah?

-Yeah, see you.

-Bye.

Hopefully, I'll find a way to fit in in New York.

Ow! I always thought it was an ice cream.

I don't think Dad's taking this move very well.

-HE LAUGHS

-He looks OK to me.

Maybe it's not such a good idea.

Rosa, everybody worries like this before a life-changing decision.

You know, you wonder if you're making a huge mistake.

Oh, yeah, like when before we got married. Hmm.

America will be good for us. Just wait and see.

OK.

-I'm really going to miss you guys.

-We're really going to miss you, too.

I have to go to a new school and make new friends and...

Mum's getting a bit nervous about going.

-Go and see her and get her back on side.

-I want to stay, too!

Well, you were really excited about going this morning.

HE SIGHS

Please tell me you still want to go to America.

-Yes, of course.

-Oh, that's a relief.

But...Catherine's having second thoughts about it.

Oh, is she?

-Well, that's understandable.

-I mean,

-what if the other lizards don't like her?

-Are you kidding?

-They're going to love her.

-Really?

-Yeah!

She's smart and funny.

She knows a lot about lizards.

-Oh, Pete. You're OK about us going away, aren't you?

-Of course!

We must be strong, you and I.

The decision has been made and we have to see it through.

My thoughts exactly.

-Oh.

-Oh.

And I will remember the good times. Always.

That's right, Pete. Stride it out.

Oh, my goodness. This is so relaxing!

Trust me, Stan, I worked off at least double this!

Feel the burn, baby.

No, no pasta.

-It's time to get serious. Don't!

-HE MUMBLES

Give me the pasta! Give me the pasta.

THEY YELL

Don't eat the soup!

No! Poison!

April fool!

What do you know about singing?

HE SINGS IN ITALIAN

Fair enough.

-ALL:

-No!

Maybe we'll stay at mine tonight.

-Mio figlio!

-HE SOBS

Vita mia. Goodbye, my topolino!

Ciao, ciao, my little pulpetti.

Rosalina bella!

I'm going to miss you so much!

OK. OK, fine.

Forget America. We're staying here.

-SHE GASPS

-I am so glad you said that, Stan.

-This is our home. This is where we belong.

-Yeah! Yeah.

Well, let's cancel the leaving party.

-Yeah!

-THEY CHEER

No, let's have a staying party! Yeah!

Henry Zipzer! I've just found out you're going to America.

This is the kind of lax parenting I was talking about.

How am I supposed to finish moulding Henry

into a passable human being if he's on the other side of the Atlantic?

-We're not going, Miss.

-You may be prepared

to give up on him, but I am certainly not.

I refuse to let him leave the country.

-We're not going, Miss Adolf.

-What?

Hank will be at school tomorrow morning.

Oh, right. Well, good.

Er, yes. Well, that's...

..business as usual, Henry.

I shall see you tomorrow on time.

You're not going, Miss Adolf!

You are staying! And celebrating!

-SPEAKS ITALIAN

-Ah!

-Dancing!

-MUSIC PLAYS

-May I have this dance, Mrs Zipzer?

-You may.

-I will try not to step on your toes.

-THEY LAUGH

Oh! Ah.

-How can people dance to this?

-Play some house.

-Bassline.

-DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

-Oh! This is awful!

Look at that. There really is no place like home.

-Come on, guys. Let's show them how it's done.

-Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah! Go on, Miss A!

Yes! Nice one, Frankie.

Go on, Hank!