Hank Rocks Out Hank Zipzer

-Can you see anything?

-I don't know.

Something in the shadows is moving.

-It's coming.

-Run!

We're being hunted. Something's chasing us.

How did this happen?

Maybe it'll make more sense if I back up a little.

It all started when Mr Rock was telling us about...

Festivals.

Which festivals have you played at, sir?

You guys have heard of Glastonbury, Isle of Wight, Woodstock.

These are the festivals... that I have not played at.

All the festivals you have never heard about, I've played.

As a matter of fact, I've got a spot

at Glennington Rockstival next weekend.

-Rockstival?

-Yeah.

-Really?

Hey, Mr Rock keeps rocking.

But that's where Boomdogs are headlining.

And if you show up, I can introduce you.

HEAVY GUITAR RIFF

Mr Rock, best teacher ever.

We have to go to that festival.

There is no way that you are going to a festival.

You have no idea the kind of things that go on there.

Why? What DOES go on?

Um, er,

Stanley, tell him.

Well, all...sorts of terrible things.

-Like what?

-Like erm... aggressive chanting,

and rude songs,

and fights between rival fans.

No, no, Stan, that's a football match.

I don't know, do I? I've never been to a festival.

You've never been to a festival?!

SHE LAUGHS

Well, I mean, they're not for everyone.

You were probably into loads of cool things, like...

Stamp collecting. Crosswords. Brass rubbing.

I was totally boring, wasn't I?

Well, I mean, not totally.

So...can I go to the festival, so I don't end up like Dad?

BOTH: No!

I can't believe they won't let me go to the festival.

How often do you get to meet Boomdogs?

Frankie and Ashley's parents are never that mean.

They're so mean.

How often do you get to meet Boomdogs?

Turns out they are. Who knew?

Ah, so many miserable faces.

Makes coming to school worthwhile.

Do you know the best way to beat misery?

Meet it head on. Let it in.

Wrestle it face down in the freezing mud.

Are you trying to recruit us into your survival camp again, miss?

Naturally. Come on, Henry, fancy a rematch?

No. I beat you last year.

And you were taken away in an ambulance.

With a face full of cow poo.

It was a draw at best.

Go on, Henry, sign up.

Freezing torment is good for the soul.

Yours and mine.

Man, she is losing it if she thinks there's any chance we're going.

Hank?

-What are you doing?

-Guys, it's OK, look. Here's the camp.

-Just over here...

-Glennington Park. That's incredible.

Yeah. You read a map.

Yeah, well done, dude. Wait, you're not saying that...

We go to the camp. And we sneak out to the festival.

What are you waiting for?

Pete, do you think Rosa thinks I'm boring?

Stan, Rosa loves you.

You're solid. Dependable.

-Boring, you mean.

-No, no, you're a great husband.

You're steady, and safe and...

Wow. I DO sound exciting.

Sure, when she was younger,

Rosa liked a man who'd just do something crazy and spontaneous,

-but...

-Well, I can do spontaneous.

Stan, spontaneous is for the young, not for us.

Look at me. I have games nights with the boys every week,

regular as clockwork.

Hey, why don't you join us?

I can definitely do spontaneous.

A festival? How can we go to a festival?

Well, we just go.

We do it without thinking. Be spontaneous.

Relive our wild youth.

YOUR wild youth.

OK. There's a reason why I don't run off to festivals these days,

and it's because we've got Hank and Emily to look after.

-Hank's going to camp.

-What about Emily?

She can go to a friend's.

SHE GIVES A FALSE LAUGH

Well, we can find her a friend.

OK, here's the plan. We're going to need money for the tickets.

I'm going to sell my collection of sick bags from around the world.

But even if we do get the tickets,

Miss Adolf's bound to take them off us at the camp.

She always searches everyone.

Sorted. I'm going to be the distracter.

I'm going to fill my bag with stuff for Miss Adolf to confiscate.

Meanwhile, Frankie can sneak past with the map and tickets while she's

-going through it all.

-What about food? And clothes?

I'm not seeing Boomdogs covered in cow muck.

That's where Ashley comes in.

-She's our fixer. She'll sort our gear for us.

-I will? How?

You know how your dad always takes you on those country hikes

that you hate? All you need to do is make sure his next one

-goes past the camp.

-That's miles away.

I know. But we need you to bury a change of clothes and snacks for us,

so we can pick them up when we make a break for it.

I still don't see how we'll get out of camp

-without Miss Adolf seeing us.

-Leave that to me.

I'm a genius at getting out of things.

-HE BANGS HIS HEAD ON THE DOOR

-Pull it.

Thanks, Ash.

On time. Rucksack packed.

You getting grown up on us, champ?

Grown up?

He's taking balloons. Look.

They're for celebrating - when I survive.

And you have a lovely time too, little lady.

Why are you doing this? What are you up to?

We're not up to anything.

THEY LAUGH

No, it's just a...quiet weekend in.

You know. Just thought it would be a good idea if you and Catherine

-got to know Evie bit better.

-Yes.

Yes, wasn't it lovely that she invited you over?

Lovely.

Or suspicious.

You're definitely up to something.

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

And he kept me up all night snoring.

I wasn't snoring.

'I was making snoring NOISES.'

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, that'll be...

Oh! Look, Emily, it's Evie. How lovely.

Have a great time.

Thank you so much for having her.

-Ready, Hank?

-Have a great time.

Yes, don't worry about us.

-See you.

-Yeah.

All right! Let's go!

-I've got the bags.

-OK, great.

DOORBELL RINGS

I can't stay at Evie's.

Catherine bit her.

She was provoked.

Oh.

Problem?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

You're kidding? Again?

OK. Fine.

It's no problem.

HE DIALS

Gregory...change of plan.

Thank you...

-Let's have a look.

-OK -

phase one. Getting past security.

Open up, Zitzer.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

You know the rules.

Not so fast.

Open your bag.

A map. This is survival camp.

If you crashed in the jungle, would you have a map?

If you were dumped in a swamp, would you have a map?

I don't know. Did you have one when it happened to you?

No maps.

-But...

-No buts!

Right. Chop, chop! All three of you! Go on.

Quickly.

Come on. Don't look at me like that.

That's cheeky.

SIRENS BLARE

OK, we're in trouble.

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

-What do you think?

-What?

What do you THINK?!

It's great. It's great. It's a bit loud.

-No, don't do that.

-What?

Are you worried that you're not the only party animal?

That is not dancing, THIS is dancing.

Yes!

Yes! Let's have it!

DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES

What?

SHE BLOWS A WHISTLE

-What?

-Maybe we could get some food.

HE CONTINUES BLOWING WHISTLE

Sorry. Excuse me, sorry...

I can't believe she sent us to bed at five o'clock.

-Without any food!

-Hey, the sooner everyone goes to bed,

the sooner we can sneak out. Have you been timing the patrols?

They change the lookout every half hour on the dot.

So that's when we make our move. Time...for phase two.

CRASH!

You love that lizard, eh?

Yes. She doesn't get me out of the way

so she can sneak off to a festival.

Emily, no-one wants you out of the way.

Maybe it's time for bed, though, eh?

-It's six o'clock.

-Exactly. Haven't you got school in the morning?

It's Saturday.

OK.

Well, maybe tomorrow I take you to the reptile house.

You don't want to be tired for that.

-You're up to something.

-Of course I'm not!

DOORBELL RINGS

-Who can that be?

-I don't know.

Let's see, shall we?

Boys! What a surprise.

Come in. Come in.

Just...

OK, look, this is my game night with the boys.

So, how about you keep...

And maybe I'll buy you a giant ice cream from the reptile house.

-You're going to have to do better than that.

-Come on, Emily.

What do you want from me?

I want in.

To the game? But, Emily, this game's not for you.

Let me play, or I'll tell Mum.

Henry Zipzer...

SNORING

Henry?

Henry...

BALLOONS POP

Help! What is going on here?

SNORING CONTINUES

Henry Zipzer!

HER VOICE ECHOES

Did you hear something?

Here we are. Snacks.

Great. Where are the clean clothes?

Er, they weren't too far away. Maybe...

-Guys, I heard something.

-Why didn't you hide them together?

So there'd be less chance of someone finding them.

-Less chance of US finding them!

-I thought it was a good idea.

Guys. I think we're being...

STICKS CRUNCH UNDERFOOT

Well, well, well.

Runaways.

Taking you lot back's going to be the sweetest moment of my...

Whoa!

Oh, my foot!

He's sprained his ankle. What do we do?

We can't take him back, he'll snitch.

-Well, we can't just leave him here.

-No. There's only one option.

We're going to have to take him with us. OTHERS: What?!

-Here we go.

-Ooh! Street food.

Mm-hm. Or possibly roadkill.

It's hard to tell.

-Er, what you doing?

-Deckchair.

What's next, slippers and a blanket?

It's a festival, Stan. You've got to rough it.

-You mean, sit down on the...?

-Yes, on the ground.

Eurgh...

-All right?

-Yeah, no, great. It's lovely.

Sorry, mate, that's...

..absolutely fine.

We'll never get away with this, Zitzer, she's bound to find us.

How? She doesn't even know we're gone.

She has her ways.

You better hope she finds us before something else does.

What are you talking about?

Don't you know...about the great cat of Glennington Moor?

-It's said to be a jaguar that escaped from the zoo.

-Yeah, right.

Shh!

-What's that?

-What?

Over there in the shadow. Did you hear that growl?

Good kitty...

Nice kitty...

Wait. I think there IS something over there.

Seriously?

-Can you see anything?

-I don't know. Something in the shadows is moving.

-It's coming.

-Run!

LOUD SCREAMING

THEY ALL SCREAM

Sorry.

My mistake.

Get her!

Stay away.

-Oi. Wait...

-Keep back.

I'm all cleaned out.

That's it for me.

Sorry, boys.

You just make it SO easy.

Beginner's luck.

Emily, be careful.

Mr Bakowski there

is a very bad loser.

He'll have to try harder then. Won't he?

Is it me...or is it getting hot in here?

-That was quick.

-I didn't go. It's too horrible in there,

-I'll just hold it in.

-What, till tomorrow night?

Rosa, it was the most disgusting toilet I've ever seen.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Don't worry about that chair,

it was probably broken before you sat on it.

I found one that's sort of clean-ish, but the lock's broken.

Right. Better go and see to this.

-Lovely chatting to you.

-Yeah - Stan, come on.

Stop annoying that beardy man.

So, it should be just over...

Wait. No... Over...

Aargh!

-Face it, Zitzer, you're lost.

-I'm not lost. I'm just confused.

You should eat something. Regain your strength.

Have you eaten everything?!

I was hungry. And lost.

-So are we!

-We wouldn't be lost if Zitzer had remembered the map,

-as well as the tickets.

-Yeah, Hank, why didn't you take the map as well?

Give him a break. At least he didn't lose a spare change of clothes.

How am I going to meet Boomdogs in a cagoule?

How will we meet them at all if we can't find the way to the festival?

This is all falling apart. We should just give up and go back.

Tell you what, I'll put in a good word with Miss Adolf for you.

-You know, maybe we should.

-Wait...

Guys, listen.

MUSIC IN THE DISTANCE

Rock and roll!

HE GRUNTS

-There you go!

-Great.

-Just needed a bit of manpower.

OK, now I need...

Oh!

Oh...

-Oh, it's stuck.

-Oh, what?

I can't open it.

Oh, no, no, no...

-Help!

-Help!

BOTH: Help!

LOUD MUSIC DROWNS OUT THE SHOUTING

That'll be...£1,500, please.

He's down to his last £10, Emily.

Please.

Mr Bakowski, he does not like to lose.

That's a pity. Because I really... like to win.

See? I told you we'd make it.

But... Wait, what about me?

You can't just leave me out here with the rabble.

He's right, Hank, it's true. We can't just abandon him here.

She's right. We can't leave someone outside a festival

with a sprained ankle.

On the other hand - this isn't someone, it's McKelty.

There's only three tickets.

McKelty!

Wait, how many tickets did you say you had?

McKelty. You total pond slime!

You've ruined everything.

Hank, guys, you made it! Listen, you've got to let them in.

Haven't you heard of Zipzy and the Zipzers?

Did you get their latest single?

Coughing Up Chicken? Come on, they're on in 20 minutes.

Come on. Come on, guys.

Don't they look great in their cagoules?

You're fantastic. What happened to him...?

-Help!

-Help! Help!

-I don't think they can hear us.

-Oh...

Why are we even here?

Why are we even stuck in a plastic toilet when we could be home in our

-lovely flat, sat on the sofa?

-Oh...! The sofa.

Hang on, I thought this was what you wanted.

You know, excitement and spontaneity.

Oh, no. I'm done with being a wild child.

I just want to be a sensible woman now,

with a family and a deli and a lovely, dependable husband.

Not stuck in a stinky toilet.

Come on. Let's get out of here and go home.

-Er... How?

-You just leave that to solid, dependable Stan.

Stand back.

-Oh...

-HE GRUNTS

THEY SCREAM

I'm going to be sick! I'm going to be sick!

It's in my hair!

Yes!

£10,000 fine.

You're bankrupt.

I...rolled a five.

"You're made king for the day.

Collect £10 from each player."

It's not fair.

I hate this stupid game!

Relax. Relax...

HE SOBS

(I told you he was a bad loser.)

HE CONTINUES SOBBING

VIP passes for everybody.

This is amazing. Even McKelty's coming round.

-Who wants to meet Boomdogs?

-Me!

-Very badly?

-Yeah.

-Here we go, Boomdogs.

Where do you think you're going?

You've got an appointment with misery.

Help!

Excuse me! You can't touch them.

That's Zipzy and the Zipzers.

What ARE you doing?

Let go of me! I own a sword, you know, a sword!

I demand to speak to my headteacher.

-HE SIGHS

-I have to go and help Miss Adolf.

All right, look. They're expecting you.

Say I sent you.

I'm going to walk very slowly.

THEY CHUCKLE

We did it!

We're going to see Boomdogs and nothing can stop us.

I don't know what you were thinking! This is the worst...

You wanted spontaneous...

-I had to say it, didn't I? BOTH:

-Hank!

Right, get in the car, Hank Zipzer.

I cannot believe that you would betray our trust like this.

We are going to have strong words when we get home. Strong words.

You are in a lot of trouble.

-This is more like it, isn't it?

-(Ssh.)

You were expressly forbidden from going to that festival. Expressly.

Have you got anything to say?

Yeah. When you get in the car, open your windows.

HE COUGHS

It's a big, beautiful deli called The Crunchy Pickle.

It would mean that the whole family would have to move to America.

-BOTH:

-America?

-Isn't it the most awesome news you've ever heard?

-Not really, no.

So how long would you go for? Like, a term?

-For ever.

-For ever?!

Tomorrow, why don't we go and ask Miss Adolf how he's getting on?

Good idea. And then if he's doing really well,

we can forget about the move and stay here.

I can barely bring myself to say this, but...A.

No!