Christmas in July Hank Zipzer

Christmas is about fun,

laughter, and seeing happiness on the faces of the people you love.

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

'Well, that's what it's meant to be about.

'This particular Christmas catastrophe started like this.'

Mum!

What? What's the matter?

SHE SIGHS

I thought something really serious had happened.

It has. I can't find my skateboard.

Well, it'll be where you left it.

Ugh...

That's got to be the number one most annoying thing that parents say.

If I knew where I left it, then it wouldn't be lost, would it?

It must be in here somewhere.

Careful, Hank, those are my swimming medals.

From when you were 11.

Right, let's just get all this tidied up.

It's summer, so no-one should even be thinking about Christmas,

or even saying the word.

I'll take that, Rosa.

OK, so, everyone loves Christmas, but no-one loves it like Mum does.

Problem is, me and Christmas aren't such a good mix.

I really thought that last year was going to be the perfect Christmas.

It wasn't THAT bad.

Great Uncle Tom still can't look a mince pie in the eye.

Don't ask!

Maybe next year.

-What about now?

-What?

You want the perfect Christmas,

we'll have the perfect Christmas.

This Saturday, I'll arrange everything.

That's a lovely idea.

It's a dangerous idea.

But organising Christmas is a big responsibility.

And that's why you should let me do it.

Dad, remember last week, when I got my head stuck in the lift door?

What did you say to me?

Don't move, or you'll sever an artery.

Yeah, but after that you said,

"It's time you start learning about responsibility."

Oh, yeah, he's right. I did say that, actually.

Yes, and of course I agree, in principle.

But it's summer. You can't have Christmas in summer.

Actually, maybe that's the perfect time to have it.

You do tend to get a little bit stressed over Christmas.

I don't get stressed!

All I'm saying is that this way

it'll be less pressure, so maybe you...we...

could all be a little bit more chilled out.

Please, Mum. Unless you really think I can't do it.

Oh, no. Of course you can do it.

He can't.

-Emily.

-Fine, but don't come crying to me

when you're knocked out by a yule log.

Hi, Mr Rock.

Hey, Hank! Hey, Hank?

Did I miss six months?

Is it Christmas already?

Only in Hank Town.

I'm organising the perfect family Christmas for my mum.

Oh, I miss the Rock family Christmases.

The tree, the food,

Granny Rock body-surfing at midnight mass.

Really? That sounds awesome!

Yeah, she's nuts.

Hey, why don't you come to our Christmas?

We can be your fake family.

I would love to! You sure your mum wouldn't mind?

She survived my exploding mince pies,

I'm sure she can handle an extra guest.

-So you'll come?

-Oh, yes, I will.

Aren't you supposed to be at a lesson?

I knew I was heading somewhere!

-Yeah.

-Merry Christmas, Mr Rock.

Merry Christmas, Hank.

A classic Hank idea.

Brilliant! Any excuse for me to dust off my favourite costume.

Been wearing this every year since 1980.

Argh! They must have shrunk in the wash.

They haven't been washed, there's bread sauce on them.

Then what's happened?

That's happened. You've put on weight.

It happens to everybody.

Well, not everybody.

Not possible!

Never putting on weight is my second-best feature,

-after my hair.

-Oh, well, that'll be next.

Not to worry, I'll do you a training programme.

Drop those inches, and get you back your ho-ho-ho!

# Oh, what fun it is to ride

# A one-horse open sleigh...hey! #

This is an abomination!

You know, you're right. It's not as good as when Granny Rock is

on the bass, that's for sure.

I'm referring to the fact that you're playing

Christmas songs in the summer.

Songs out of season bring troubles without reason.

But Hank Zipzer is putting on Christmas

right here in summer, so...

That boy has got no respect for tradition.

I bet he doesn't even know to hide a glass pickle

in the tree on Christmas Eve,

or that a Christmas cake must be stirred anticlockwise.

For a person who does not like Christmas,

you know an awful lot of facts.

Why on earth would you presume I don't like Christmas?

Well, Christmas is full of cheer and fun and laughter

and you...

You are filled with a lot of those things.

One more note and it's time for the sword.

Then I say my practice is over.

No, no, no. I can't do that every day!

Well, you don't have to do it every day.

You have to do 25 every day.

25 star jumps?

A minute of the plank?

It's worse than the army!

This is the programme I used when I did my marathon.

What, the one that you were stretchered off of

-after three miles?

-The point is, it works.

I could always make it easier for you.

You know, if you don't think you're up to it.

-I'm up to it.

-That's what I want to hear!

High five!

Can that count as a star jump?

Then I was thinking about getting a reindeer,

but they're dead hard to find.

So I was thinking about getting a cow, but in a fur coat.

Are you really planning to do Christmas lunch

all by yourself, Hank? My dad always says it's really hard.

Like, really, really hard.

Have you spoke to your mum about it yet?

I can't. I said I can do it all by myself.

-What about your dad?

-That's no good either.

He's all like, "Hank is definitely responsible enough, Rosa,

"we need to trust him!"

-Really?

-Yeah. I guess Christmas miracles do happen.

So what are you going to do?

Make an awesome meal. I just need to work out how.

Well, that's the hard part done, at least(!)

Have you heard from Hank?

I've texted him to make sure he orders the extra-thin candles

so they fit into my special Christmas candleholder

-and I've heard nothing.

-Maybe he didn't get the text.

He must have, because I sent it twice.

Rosa, you need to let him do this his way.

Yes, I am!

Oh, I'll just text him again.

Hey, what are you doing?

Replenishing the nutrients after my work-out, like you said!

I said eat a chicken salad, not half of Italy!

Trust me, Stan, I've worked off at least double this!

Feel the burn, baby!

Pete, are you going to start taking this seriously?

Because no pain, no gain.

He who dares, wins!

Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

And eating is just pasta entering the body!

No, no pasta!

It's time to get serious.

No, no...

Give me the pasta! Give me the pasta!

MISS ADOLF HUMS

So, you really do like Christmas?

Yes.

You're not just joking with me,

you know, like when you said I was going to be deported?

Mr Rock, I realise that your brain

is still very much a work in progress,

but surely even you can grasp this simple concept -

I like Christmas, hmm?

SHE HUMS

So, just explain to me. How does this work?

What does it look like?

Christmas morning begins with my secret recipe -

champagne cocktails.

Very fancy.

Vegetable peeling from eight to ten.

Stocking opening at ten, accompanied by light nibbles.

Lunch at one, to be finished promptly at three.

I will not have any chewing over Her Majesty's Christmas speech.

-Naturally.

-3:30, charades and other traditional Christmas activities.

7:30, a turkey sandwich and a glass of sherry

while enjoying a nice drama involving bonnets.

That sounds like the perfect family Christmas.

No family, just me!

I'm so sorry. I just assumed.

Why would I want a house full of people making a mess

and filling the place with noise?

No, solitary Christmas suits me perfectly.

Absolutely perfectly.

Now, if the inquisition is finished, some of us have work to do.

Oh, Miss A? You dropped your diary.

Miss A.

Your diary.

School, school, school, school, school.

Worm the cat. School.

Hey, Hank. I've got to ask you a question.

Can I bring someone to your family Christmas?

-It's not a dog, is it?

-Definitely not.

It's just, I'm hoping there's going to be a cow there,

and I'm pretty sure cows and dogs don't get along.

Or is it cows and cats?

I don't know, but I promise you it will be a human someone.

OK. Good. So there will be us four, you, Papa Pete...

-Papa Pete!

-Yes!

What? Are you OK?

I need to see a man about a turkey.

Do you absolutely have to have Brussels sprouts?

-I mean, is there a law?

-No.

But they're delicious done with crispy pancetta.

You put them in a pan with some melted butter...

No, I'm sorry, Hank. I can't do it.

I just can't talk about food when your father's asking me to eat that!

-What's in it?

-My supper.

Who eats supper with a straw?

You should go, Hank.

Unless you want to see a grown man try to eat a table.

Actually, that sounds amazing.

To what do I owe the misfortune?

You dropped this in the teachers' lounge.

Thank you. Don't know where I'd be without it. Good.

Was there anything else?

-No.

-Good.

Actually, I talked to Hank about his family Christmas.

You know, it sounds like it's going to be full of fun.

-It'll be chaos.

-Why don't you find out for yourself?

-I beg your pardon?

-Come with me as my guest to his family Christmas.

There is nothing I would rather do less,

and I speak as someone who once accidentally went on a log flume.

Well, even if I had the slightest interest

in attending this pantomime, I'm far too busy.

My diary is booked weeks in advance.

Oh, it's such a shame, because I think he's covering

every big tradition of Christmas.

-Really?

-Yeah, down to the pound coin in the prune pudding!

It's a plum pudding, Mr Rock.

And it must be a sixpence!

Right, well, that's it. It's clear that I must attend.

-Really?

-Well, I can't let Henry Zipzer ride roughshod

over centuries of tradition!

Are you free, then, tomorrow?

Well, I'll obviously have to cancel several important prior engagements,

but we must all make sacrifices, Mr Rock.

Don't I know it.

Happy Christmas.

Christmas Day.

OK. I'm trying not to panic, but I've still got a lot to do.

I haven't even finished the shopping list yet!

All I've got so far is turkey, a large one.

Right. Potatoes.

How many per person? Three?

Although, some people might have filled up on crisps first.

That means they will only want two.

But if they hate cheese and onion flavour, then maybe they'll...

..extra parsnips, then they might not be able to manage

a whole four potatoes, so...

We're back to three.

POTATOES GRUMBLE

OK. Now I'm panicking.

I can't do this all by myself!

Oh, no.

I need your help. BOTH: I'm way behind on everything.

I've no idea how to cook a turkey or when I'm going to lay the table,

or polish the special cutlery.

Yeah, so really...

So really, what you need is a colour-coded flow chart

showing minute-by-minute timings for the whole of Christmas Day.

That actually looks quite simple.

Well, maybe not that simple, but definitely useful.

-So you'll help?

-Yes, but only because I want to spend

one Christmas Day without someone calling the fire brigade.

Now, your first task is to wake up early

-to put the oven on for the turkey.

-Early, oven, turkey. I've got it.

SHE SIGHS

ALARMS RING

Hank!

Item number one failed.

Which means we're now 37 minutes behind schedule.

I want you in that kitchen in 30 seconds!

Someone needs some Christmas spirit.

Rargh!

Dad, your trousers fit you!

Not quite.

Well, results take time, but Pete is now totally committed.

-Aren't you, Pete?

-Absolutely.

Ah, ah, ah!

DOORBELL RINGS

This will be your Christmas present, Pete.

-I thought we weren't doing presents.

-No, this is a special one.

He's going to love it.

With any luck, it's a bigger pair of trousers.

Note to self - do not get stuck under the mistletoe with Miss A.

Do not get stuck under the mistletoe with Miss A.

I've got the shivers in the summer.

Ta-da!

It a treadmill! Thanks, fellas!

Now I can make sure you're really putting the miles in.

How much did that cost, Stan? And where's it going to go?

It's only rented. Just until he drops the weight.

Well, that could take years!

-Well, no offence, Dad.

-DOORBELL RINGS

What's that? Someone coming to put an assault course

round the dining table?

At least it'll make it harder for Pete to get to the food.

Hasn't anyone got the door?

It'll be my guest.

-Guest?

-Guest?

Merry Christmas!

Wow, you don't look like you're expecting me.

I'm just glad you're not delivering a rowing machine.

-Of course we're expecting you, Mr Rock. Come in!

-Yes.

No, completely, hello, welcome.

Hi. Listen, my guest is going to be here in just a little while.

Oh, more people. Wonderful!

-Rosa, don't get stressed.

-No, I'm not stressed at all, no.

It's just, you know, I really want to make sure

-there's enough food for everyone.

-That is very important.

We're still OK. But any more Hank surprises,

I'm going to have to implement the PPP limit.

Parsnips per person.

Ah.

I promise, just Christmas fun.

See, Rosa? Just Christmas fun.

Right, Katherine, I need you to keep a close eye on this gravy.

No lumps.

Right, Hank. I need you to do number 132 -

add salt to the pans of vegetables.

I haven't done number 127 yet.

-Well, what was that?

-I have no idea, but whatever it was,

-I haven't done it.

-Number 127.

-Peel the sprouts.

-Oh, OK.

Well, I've half done that.

I was trying to finish off my winter wonderland decorations

at the same time, so...

Cute, aren't they? I can use them as little tiny snowballs.

Hank. I need you to focus.

On important things,

like number 132.

Just remind me what that was again.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be my surprise.

Hank, what did I say?

No more surprises.

Trust me, I might have had to abandon the cow,

but this is brilliant.

That's right, Pete! Stride it out!

-MR ROCK:

-Oh, my goodness, this is so relaxing!

-ROSA:

-Oh, yeah. There's nothing like having your dad

run the 10,000 metres in your lounge on Christmas Day!

OK, one more set and then we'll up the gradient.

And stride!

And stride! And...

-What are you doing?

-Water break.

Like you said, Stan -

motivation, determination, hydration.

Yes, I made that up myself.

-EMILY:

-Hank! You're supposed to be helping Katherine with the parsnips.

Would you excuse me, Mr Rock?

I've just got to go and help out in the kitchen.

-Be my guest.

-Rosa, no, you don't!

Just let them get on with it.

Am I right, Mr Rock?

I love this pillow.

You know, you really do need to be less controlling.

Pete! Put down that potato!

Am I controlling, Mr Rock?

The needlepoint is so dainty.

I think.

Ah, Merry Christmas, gentlemen.

Well, don't just stand there!

This isn't exactly a summer outfit, you know.

Go on, chop chop!

Thank you. No manners.

Open your mouth. Did you or did you not just eat a roast potato

despite knowing that they're on the banned substance list?

I didn't eat a roast potato.

I ate two! Because I love food!

They're going to have to come out of your allocated portion, Papa Pete.

Do you want to be a quitter, Pete?

Is that what you want to be? Well, guess what?

I am your coach and I say when you quit!

Wow, now who's being controlling, Stan?

I'm only being controlling because your father can't control himself!

OK. Let's think happy Christmas thoughts, everyone.

Like reindeers and holly and bells and presents!

-EMILY:

-Hank.

-What?

We're now 41 minutes behind schedule.

I still need you to do 164 -

-pour the gravy into the serving jug.

-I'm doing it!

The plan! It's ruined!

Hank, you're so clumsy!

I'm just trying my best. ALARM RINGS

I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you, Emily!

I feel myself going weak with hunger, Rosa.

-He could have died, Stan!

-Yes, I could have died, Stan!

There's gravy everywhere!

...potatoes, we're on a strict diet!

Guys.

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

Zipzers!

-MISS ADOLF:

-# The playing of the merry organ

# Sweet singing in the choir... #

What is that?

# The holly and the ivy

# When they are both full grown

# Of all trees that are in the wood

# The holly bears the crown

# The rising of the sun

# And the running of the deer

# The playing of the merry organ

# Sweet singing in the choir. #

Christmas cheer comes in so many forms!

Merry Christmas, Miss Adolf.

And to you, Henry.

Normally at this time,

I like to read a passage from A Christmas Carol.

Nice.

Emily. Can I speak to you in my room?

I'm sorry for over-sleeping, and glittering the sprouts,

and drowning the plan in gravy.

Everything. I want to pull this off for Mum,

and I know we can do it if we work together.

I do have a backup copy of the plan.

You do?

But how did you know I'd ruin it?

Fair enough.

Let's go.

"Bob said he didn't believe there ever was such a goose cooked.

"Eked out by apple sauce and mashed potatoes,

"it was a sufficient dinner for the whole family."

What a lovely and long story!

What lovely food.

Are you really that hungry?

If you were covered in gravy, I'd eat you.

OK, look. You can enjoy Christmas today,

but tomorrow we are straight back on the programme, OK?

No, we've lost him.

A Merry Christmas to us all, my dears.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-Buon Natale!

OK, everyone. Time for lunch!

-EMILY:

-Hank, wait for me. You get the gravy, I'll get the potatoes.

So that must have been wonderful, to have an audience

to share that story for once.

Poppycock. Makes no difference whatsoever.

Of course not.

-ROSA:

-Wow!

Oh, Hank.

This really is the perfect Christmas!

You've pulled it off! I knew you would.

STAN SNORTS

-MR ROCK:

-You know what, Hank? You did a magnificent job.

-Yeah.

-Well, I couldn't have done any of it without Emily.

-And Katherine.

-Well, it looks great.

-Yeah.

You haven't seen anything yet. Emily, give me a hand.

A snow machine? Is that a good idea?

-When is snow not a good idea?

-It's amazing.

-MR ROCK:

-You know what? I can't wait to get those parsnips.

It says for a room this size, we need level two.

Level two? I'm putting this baby on ten!

I'll get the turkey while it warms up.

I tried to tell him.

-Oh, wow!

-That's lovely, that.

Oh, wow! How beautiful!

Snowing inside!

-ROSA:

-Amazing!

-Hank, no!

-Get it off!

THEY SHOUT

I was so close to giving Mum her perfect Christmas.

Well, for once I'm not in the firing line.

BEEPING

Watch out for the snow, Hank!

OK.

Sprouts with your turkey, anyone?

-Festivals!

-Are you trying to recruit us

-for your survival camp again, Miss?

-Naturally.

-Rockstival?

-We have to go to that festival.

-What do you want from me?

-I want in.

-A festival?

-I still don't see how we're going to get out of camp

-without Miss Adolf seeing us.

-Don't do that!

Are you worried you're not the only party animal?

Chop chop! All three of you.

-Quickly.

-Help!

Argh!

-What's that?

-It's coming!

Run!

You just make it so easy.

-It's beginner's luck.

-Hank?!