Captain Hank and the Last Picks Hank Zipzer

No...!

OK, I know what you're thinking.

But this definitely wasn't my fault.

Well, not completely.

It all started with a drink...

HE BELCHES

Disgusting.

I've done it, I've got enough cans!

I've collected over 500 - or was it 5,000?

Anyway, I've got a lot of cans

for basketball hoops and basketball balls.

"Ball balls" - that sounds weird.

OK, what's happening?

A drinks company, Goodness Fizz, is giving away free sports equipment

to schools that collect their cans.

-Everyone's doing it.

-I'm not.

Schools shouldn't have to beg drinks companies for sports equipment.

It's not just any drink, it's Goodness Fizz -

it's good for you, it makes you strong.

Look.

Nnrrgghh...!

-Mm, impressive(!)

-Hank, how much of this stuff have you had?

I've only had, like, six today, and I still feel pretty great!

And I've got a lot of energy - look!

But other than that...

TUMMY RUMBLES

Oh, that doesn't feel good. Excuse me.

HANK RETCHES AND GROANS

Because you've all been so super at collecting our cans -

not least one Hank Zipzer,

who has collected an incredible 4,291...

..it is my total pleasure to present to Westbrook

these top-of-the-range basketball hoops

from your chums at Goodness Fizz, the fizz that cares.

A round of applause for the delightful Ms Lufkin

from Goodness Fizz.

Thank you, Mr Joy.

Please, call me Adam.

I will.

THEY GIGGLE

(Mr Joy!)

Yes, yeah...

Let's see this equipment in action.

Zipzer, do a hoop toss.

-A what?

-Basket, erm, hoopy toss...

-What?

-Just throw the ball.

You want to know a secret?

I've never played basketball before.

Hey, you never know - I might be brilliant at it.

BUZZER AND CHEERING

Oi! Hurry up, Zitzer - we're waiting.

LAUGHTER

Go and stand over there with the other sporting dropouts.

I'm sure those losers would welcome you with open arms.

If they can open arms without pulling a muscle, that is.

Leave him alone, Nick.

I'll get this for you, Hank.

APPLAUSE

Yes...

Your equipment's seen better days, Adam?

Yes, the previous headmaster didn't take his responsibilities

nearly as seriously as I do, Miss Lovely...

I mean, Ms Lufkin.

Plus, it's ever so expensive.

Maybe we could help you with that.

And call me Gabriella.

I'm intrigued, Gabriel...

Ow!

Zipzer!

HE CHUCKLES

And, as it spins, the centrifugal force

causes the separation of the molecules...

Attention! Please stand for Ms Lufkin.

Oh, no, please, please, sit down for Ms Lufkin.

Now, having seen the decrepit state of your gym -

as well as a lot of other things in the school...

THEY LAUGH

..we have decided to create

the country's first-ever Goodness Fizz Elite Sports Centre,

right here at Westbrook Academy.

A round of applause for Ms Lufkin!

Oh! Oh, thank you.

Well, I reckon that Westbrook Academy, plus Goodness Fizz,

adds up to some top-quality education, right, guys?

Yes, well, talking of education,

I was actually trying to teach a lesson.

Oh, my apologies, Miss...?

Adolf.

Really?

Well, I think Miss Adolf needs a bit of cheering up, don't you?

Let's go! Whoo!

KLAXON BLARES RECORDING: Get your fizz on!

UPTEMPO POP MUSIC PLAYS

BOTH CHANT: Goodness Fizz tastes so yummy

Good for your bones and good for your tummy.

Woohoo!

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

Carry on, Miss Adolf.

BOTH: Goodness Fizz, fun and delicious!

It's fluorescent and nutritious!

Woohoo!

Is that the Fit-Zopia One?

The hologram football trainer?

They are incredible.

You can play against any professional footballer.

In super-virtual 4-D!

At any stadium on the planet!

You can even smell the grass!

I can't believe I'm going to be able to play with the Fit-Zopia One

in games this afternoon - get in!

Oh...! Oh...

Oops. Sorry!

Dude, you and sport just do not mix.

Enter.

Mr Joy, I've come to complain about Goodness Fizz

advertising their product all over the school...

O...K.

Ah...!

I knew it was only a matter of time

before you would come in here complaining, Zipzer.

But, sir, students shouldn't have to be faced

with advertising during lessons - it's brainwashing.

That reminds me.

Good morning, students - this is an announcement.

From now on, all non-Goodness Fizz drinks

are banned from school premises.

Thank you.

Now, where was I?

The people at Goodness Fizz are helping us

out of the goodness of their heart.

Perhaps that's why they're called "Goodness Fizz".

But, sir, I just think...

I'm done listening, Zipzer.

Now run along and play whatever it is girls your age play.

Shops, is it?

Do you know anything about children?

I know that there's one too many of them in my office right now.

Off you pop.

No, not on the list, over by the door, please.

What's going on with Pav?

I think she's just been asked to stay in that group.

Ouch.

Ah, so, Hank, Frankie and Ashley.

Let me just check my...

Oh, dear.

"Oh, dear"?

Yes, sorry, Hank,

this is now the Goodness Fizz ELITE Sports Centre.

-Uh-huh...?

-"Elite" means good.

Very, very good.

And based on your basketball display,

you're a teensy bit not very good.

So you can't come in.

But that's not fair! We should all be allowed

to play with the new equipment.

Oh, Frankie and Ashley are allowed,

they're the kind of sporty types that Goodness Fizz wants.

But you're...not.

Sowwy!

-In you go, guys.

-No way, we're going to stay out here with Hank and...

-DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

-Is that a DJ?

-And a ball pit?

-Uh-huh.

Why not have a bit of fun with your fitness?

Go on, guys, I'll be fine.

-You're sure?

-I'm sure.

Aw, not good enough to get in, Zitzer?

Get used to it.

It'll be happening to you your whole life.

Ah, Nick, isn't it?

-It is.

-Absolutely.

OK, now I'm really mad.

They don't know who they're messing with.

I'm going to take my hoops back.

Now, we have to add precisely 4g of compound to the mixture.

Any more, and the whole experiment is ruined.

CHEERING, LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Oh...!

BOTH CHANT: Goodness Fizz, all day long!

It cleans your teeth and makes you strong!

Goodness Fizz, it's a winner With your lunch or with your dinner!

THEY CHEER

Right, that's it! I've had enough of this nonsense!

And I've had enough of you, too - come here!

Yes, and I'm saying to you that that is not good enough!

So tell Sampson that he's got 12 hours to sort it,

or I will personally see to it that he never works

in any company, country, in any universe ever again.

Understood?

Oh, Miss Adolf, what can I do for you?

-I see you've been getting to know Robbie Rabbit?

-Yes.

It's about Robbie and his two energetic friends.

I demand that they stop interrupting my lessons at once.

Oh...have they been causing a bit of bother?

They're disturbing my lessons continually.

-And you'd like me to get them to leave you alone?

-Yes!

-No.

-No?!

What do you mean, "no"?

You see, Miss Adolf, Robbie is the face of our product.

And if Robbie goes, then the Elite Sports Centre goes.

You wouldn't want to be responsible for depriving your students

of the best possible environment in which to thrive, would you?

No...

In which case, apologise to Robbie Rabbit.

Sorry.

"Sorry, Robbie Rabbit."

Sorry...

..Robbie...Rabbit.

Goodness Fizz, out, out, out! Goodness Fizz, out, out, out!

What on earth is going...? Zipzer! What's all this noise?

This is a student demonstration

against the commercialisation of the syllabus.

-What?

-We want you to stop advertising at us.

"We"? You mean you.

I speak for the whole student population when I say...

-Goodness Fizz, out, out, out!

-Shh! Ms Lufkin will hear you!

I want her to hear me.

That's the point of a protest.

-Goodness Fizz, out, out, out!

-OK, shh, look, look, listen.

Tell you what, why don't we just forget all this silliness,

you run back to class,

and I'll see to it that your next report card is full of A*s.

My report card is already full of A*s.

Well...

And anyway, I will not be bribed.

I cannot be bought.

Goodness Fizz, out, out, out!

Not even for...? Hmm?

No.

'Get your fizz on!'

Goodness Fizz...

-Out, out, out!

-In, in, in!

Erm... Yeah, name on the list, you can go in.

So, what's the plan?

-Plan?

-To get in there. Aren't you working on a plan?

To get INTO games?

We spend all year trying to get out of it,

why would we want to get in?

We have just as much right

to play with that new equipment as anyone else.

New equipment just means new ways for us to be humiliated.

We're better off here, away from it all.

But that's not fair. We all deserve to play with that stuff.

So I say we get past those guys and get in there, yeah?

-Fine.

-Good. Now, I need someone who's prepared to wait out here

and not go in.

Should have seen that coming.

Hi. How are you both?

Looking, uh...great.

There's a package for you. It looks pretty heavy.

Make sure you keep your back straight.

-Oi, you!

-Get back here!

Open this door! Oi!

See? I told you we could do it. Now, let's get in there.

Oopsie! That was close.

You nearly went into the Elite Sports Centre by accident.

Oh, well, no harm done, off you pop,

while I deal with these two idiots for leaving their post.

Ladies and gentlemen,

your classes are being turned into advertising billboards.

Goodness Fizz is selling you products when we should be...

UPTEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

BOTH CHANT: Goodness Fizz, here for free!

Come and take a can or three!

No, don't go! That's what they want.

They want to stop you from hearing the truth!

-Oh, what's the use?

-BOTH CHANT: Goodness Fizz, treats any holiday

Lots of flavours from orange to salady!

You skipped classes?

-Yes.

-To protest?

-Yes.

-Unbelievable.

Well done.

-What?!

-What?!

-I'm proud of you.

-Really?

Yes, you're like a suffragette.

You show 'em, comrades!

All right, calm down, Che Zipzer.

No! Emily's doing something she believes in,

and I want to support her.

Well, I'm not sure I'm going to carry on.

No-one's listening.

You're going to give up?

Did Marie Curie give up?

No, she died.

OK, look, maybe there's some other way you can make your point.

In a more Emily way.

I'll be in my room.

Roll up, roll up, see the incredible problem-solving mum.

Right here. Yes.

OK, so what if we raise enough money to start our own sports centre?

But it's only for people who are really bad at sport.

Sports centres cost hundreds of thousands of pounds, Hank.

Well, I've got...

..£1.47.

And a yo-yo.

I've got some string - string's useful.

Is he always like this?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Fine - we won't do that, we'll do something else.

The thing is, Hank, we've got to be going.

Going? Where?

-You tell him.

-No, you.

-OK, let's both do it.

-OK.

BOTH: Three, two, one...

We've got basketball practice with Nick McKelty.

-Hey, you didn't do it!

-Sorry, I couldn't do it to him.

-What? Nick McKelty?

-Yeah.

The thing is, he started up a team and asked us to be on it, and...

That's fine. It's all right, go on.

-Really?

-Of course, go on.

See you later.

Guess it's just you and me, Pav.

Dad, I need your help with a fight.

You got into a fight?

Nice one, who with?

-Stan!

-It's a rite of passage.

It's not a fight-fight.

It's a fight to get me and my mates into the Elite Sports Centre.

Oh. Right. Well, there is a simple way.

-What's that?

-Be good at sport.

-Very helpful, Stan(!)

-No, I'm being serious.

If you want to punch with the heavyweights,

you've got to be a heavyweight.

But I'm not, I'm useless.

Well, with that attitude, you won't get anywhere.

What's the one thing all champions have got?

Goodness Fizz.

Self-belief. You have to believe that you can win.

And once you believe it, your opponents'll believe it,

you can't lose.

So what you're saying is, if I call myself captain,

my team will believe that we can beat anyone, and we will.

-Actually...

-Thanks, Dad, you're the best.

Don't forget your lunch, Hank.

-BOTH:

-I know what I'm going to do! Bye!

-How did you do that?

-It was easy, I just...

just told him...

Got no idea.

So that's where the cross trainers will go.

And where will the happy trainers go?

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, Adam, you are silly!

KNOCK ON DOOR

What is it now, Zipzer?

It's actually Ms Lufkin I've come to see, sir.

Aw, how lovely.

And what can I do for you, little lady?

-I've been doing research into Goodness Fizz.

-Oh, great!

My research was in the nutritional information.

I've discovered something very interesting.

-And what's that?

-It's junk.

Zipzer!

Goodness Fizz is 97% refined sugar and high-fructose corn syrup.

Hm...that is high-ish.

It is. Watch this.

This is my dad's lucky two-headed coin.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Where's it gone?!

-Exactly.

-But...it's called "Goodness Fizz".

Goodness. As in "good".

Well, in this case, it's goodness as in "Goodness!

"This is 500% of my recommended daily sugar intake!"

So what happens now, little girl? Do you make a fuss?

Cause us to take away the Goodness Fizz Elite Sports Centre?

-Yes.

-No!

It'd be such a shame, because it would mean cancelling our plans

for the Goodness Fizz Elite Science Wing, too.

Exactly.

Wait, what? Science wing?

Oh, had I not mentioned it? Yes, we're building

a state-of-the-art science department

for Westbrook's best and brightest.

Be a shame if all these protests got in the way of that, wouldn't it?

Yes...it would, it would be a real shame.

Excellent. There.

Now, let's see that Goodness Fizz grin.

Hee-hee!

Nick McKelty.

Basketball. Your team versus mine.

In the playground, after school.

You're joking, Zitzer.

Why do I demean myself by playing against you?

WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

What's the matter, Nick? Chicken?

-ALL:

-Ooh...

No, but...

-Why?

-Cos you're the best, Nick.

If my team beats the best, we get to play in the Elite Sports Centre.

You're not going to beat us.

Fine, then it's just another chance for you to humiliate me.

How can you resist?

Fine. See you there.

Too easy.

And what happens now?

-I beat him.

-Us, you mean. We're on his team, too.

Well, I'll beat you, too.

We're pretty good. You haven't even got a team.

Don't worry, I've got it sorted.

McKelty versus Zipzer, after school in the playground.

Hey, Pav - catch.

McKelty versus Zipzer after school in the playground.

Hey, Pants - catch.

Hey, Cherie - catch.

I am not wearing that.

McKelty versus Zipzer after school in the playground.

McKelty versus Zipzer after school in the playground.

McKelty versus Zipzer after school in the playground...

They're having a basketball match

after school in the playground, headmaster.

-Really?

-Mmm.

How interesting.

-Should we put a stop to it?

-No, Miss Adolf.

What better way to show off our elite team to Ms Lufkin

than have them pummel Zipzer and his rejects?

It'll be like David versus Goliath.

Are you familiar with the story of David and Goliath, headmaster?

No.

But I'm sure that with a name like Goliath,

he came out of it very well indeed.

Hmm.

How's everybody feeling? Ready to go out there and win?

No. Let's be realistic, Hank - McKelty's team is going to smash us.

They will if that's your attitude.

But what if we go out there like we've never played before?

-I HAVE never played before.

-Exactly.

There's always a first time for everything, including winning.

This is our time, our chance to prove to people

that we're not losers!

Come on!

Argh!

And watch out for stray basketballs.

Good luck, everyone.

Stop running!

On your way to your brother's misjudged basketball match, Emily?

-Yes, miss.

-Not protesting against the drinks company this afternoon?

I gave that up.

It all seemed a bit...immature.

-Ah...

-I needed to look at the bigger picture.

Perhaps a little immaturity is just the thing.

-Miss?

-There's plenty of time in life

for bigger pictures and compromise, Miss Zipzer.

Don't sell yourself short, hmm?

-Yes, miss. You're right, miss.

-Yes.

Excuse me, miss.

Don't run!

Sorry, miss.

CHEERLEADERS CHANT

Stay tight and we've got this.

Come on, guys, I know we can do this,

just believe in yourselves, come on.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Captains!

Now as a devotee of basketball - well, netball -

and of fair play,

I shall be refereeing this match.

Ready?

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-Go!

-Dribble!

-Defence!

Tackle, tackle him!

Get the ball, quickly! Over here!

Come on, we can do this.

Adam, come on.

-OK, now what?

-Now you shoot it.

-I did it! I did it!

-Of course you did!

You're useless, all of you, complete waste of space.

-Thanks, Captain.

-Yeah, really encouraging(!)

Don't tell me you want Zipzer's "believe in yourself" nonsense?

Let me show you real leadership.

Pass me the ball, I'll show you how it's done.

-Out of the way, loser.

-You'll have to go through me.

If you say so.

-Oi!

-Too easy.

Goodness Fizz tells you lies!

It makes you fatter than ten meat pies!

It makes you spotty, it makes you sick

I've found evidence it makes you thick!

Oh!

What kind of second-rate, run-down, lawless hellhole

are you running here, Joy?

Goodness Fizz will be taking their sponsorship somewhere else.

Hey, we won these basketball hoops fair and square.

Ugh, keep them! Come on, we're going to Eastbrook.

Gabriella! I thought we had something!

Fine, well, I'm keeping the Goodness Fizz underpants.

Nicholas McKelty!

My office, NOW!

Guess we can count that as a win, then, can't we?

Hey, Pav. Signing up for hockey club?

-I didn't know you played hockey.

-I don't. Yet.

I'm signing up for loads of stuff.

Hey, see you at practice tonight, yeah?

-Practice?

-We started a new basketball team.

Really? Nice job, Pav.

Ow! Ow!

You want the perfect Christmas, we'll have the perfect Christmas.

It's summer. You can't have Christmas in summer.

-Is it Christmas already?

-Only in Hanktown.

Drop those inches and get you back your ho-ho-ho.

Sounds like it's going to be full of fun.

It'll be chaos.

Drop the pasta...!

This is so relaxing.

Sorry I'm not perfect like you, Emily!

Zipzers!

Level two? I'm putting this baby on ten!

ALARM CLOCK RINGS

I want you in that kitchen in 30 seconds.

Someone needs some Christmas spirit.