Operation: Prank Adolf Hank Zipzer

-IN ROBOTIC VOICE:

-You won't believe your eyes.

-Look out, Miss A!

-Argh!

LOUD THUD

That is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life

and I made it happen, so why do I feel so bad about it?

It all started last Tuesday.

THEY ALL PLAY INSTRUMENTS

-OK, OK, OK, all right.

-TAMBOURINE METAL DISCS FALL ON FLOOR

I'm telling you. You know what that is?

That is the tambourine, just exploding with your musical power.

PIANO PLAYS

-Hank, what IS that thing?

-I think it's a piano?

MUSICAL NOTES PLAY

MUSICAL NOTES SHATTER

-That did not sound good!

-We are in desperate need of new instruments.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

BELL CLANGS ON FLOOR

And a new bell.

Come on, Emily. You can crack this.

An alloy that, when placed in water, produces a violent release of gas.

LOUD PARP

-It wasn't me!

-LAUGHTER

-TOGETHER:

-April fool!

PARP

But tomorrow's April Fools' Day. Today is just Tuesday.

And that element of surprise sucked you right in.

I refuse to me made fun of

by someone who thinks calculus is a Roman emperor.

I'm going to stop this right now.

Announcement!

Now, in order to drag up standards around here,

tomorrow will see Westbrook's first ever top teacher contest.

Top teacher contest? How interesting.

-I presume there are rules, Mr Joy?

-Rules?

Oh, yes, the usual sort of thing.

For morning assembly, a sensible presentation

on the school motto, "Westbrook - Stepping Into The Future."

Excellent! I have my presentation ready to go.

How could you po...? He just said...

You didn't make a presentation just for fun, did you?

How I choose to spend my free time, Mr Rock,

is entirely none of your business.

And in the afternoon, a testimonial from a pupil of your choosing,

saying why you should be our top teacher.

The winner will get this very handsome, stylish trophy.

-Teaching is not a competition. I'm out.

-Ignore him, Mr Joy.

He's obviously just scared of losing to me.

Yeah, you know, I'm shaking like a leaf. Wb-wb-wb-wb.

You'll be missing out on a cash prize.

Cash prize? You should have led with that.

The school has been given a grant of £1,000

to spend on teaching equipment.

-This contest will decide who gets it.

-£1,000?

Do you know how many trombones I can buy with that? I'm in!

Hank, will you make a speech tomorrow,

explaining why I should be Westbrook's top teacher?

-You bet!

-Oh, yes!

Will you make a speech tomorrow,

explaining why I should be Westbrook's top teacher?

-I'd be honoured, Miss.

-Oh, well, thank you, Nicholas.

-Could you explain to me why we were running?

-Running?

An adult would never run in a school playground, Mr Rock.

-I could have sworn you were running.

-I was walking!

Emphatically! Very different. Good day.

So, after the fireworks, you come up through a trapdoor in the stage.

-Does the stage even have a trapdoor?

-Hank, please.

Then, once you're in position, the laser show starts. Ashley, hit it.

-ASHLEY PLAYS KEYBOARD

-Hank, you've got to calm down.

Go, Saul. SAUL PLAYS A SINGLE NOTE

And I'm on drums, obviously.

HE HITS DRUMS AND CYMBALS

Oops. And that was my cue for the elephant and the canon.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

This is Mr Joy's contest.

It's his rules and he doesn't want any pizzazz.

No pizzazz? Not even the elephant or the canon?

TRUMPET WINDS DOWN FORLORNLY

-No excitement.

-But excitement is what you do.

Listen, we're still going to win this,

when you give your amazing speech tomorrow afternoon.

I feel sorry for all the other teachers.

They don't stand a chance, because Hank Zipzer is in the house.

Mr Rock - best teacher ever.

LOUD OUT-OF-TUNE PIANO NOTE

Sit down!

Silence!

Now, I want you all to start an essay

while I take some of the more frivolous adjectives

out of my Stepping Into The Future presentation.

-What's the essay on, Miss?

-The human body.

Which is the most important body part and why?

Essays in tomorrow. Is that clear, Henry Zipzer?

Not on Friday, not a week on Tuesday, not when you feel like it -

tomorrow, the 1st of...

Oh... What day is it tomorrow, Henry?

-April Fools' Day, Miss.

-That's right and April Fools' Day is...?

-Awesome.

-Incorrect. I loathe April Fools' Day.

And if any of you are thinking of trying to prank me, think again.

I am totally and utterly unprankable.

No-one is unprankable.

Here are my top ways to prank Miss Adolf.

Prank one - doorknob dummy.

When Miss Adolph tries to leave the classroom, she won't be able to.

She'll be stuck in here forever. She won't know what's hit her.

Whoops-a-daisy. One hour's detention, Mr Zipzer.

OK, prank two - ping pong pile-up. This one never fails.

Ah, Henry, would you get out the textbooks, please?

Hmm?

Inappropriate use of PE equipment. Another hour's detention.

This is bad. I can't even prank Miss Adolph in my imagination.

OK, just explain to me why you want to ban April Fools' Day.

It's just a waste of time - time that could be better spent on work.

Really? OK, have you ever heard of Leonardo da Vinci?

Leonardo da Vinci, from 1452, died 1519.

Architect, mathematician, inventor

and one of the greatest painters to ever have lived.

OK, I'm going to take that as a yes.

Anyway, Leo said - and I'm not going to get this word perfect -

but he said, "Go away for a while, relax

"and then when you come back to your work,

"your judgment is going to be surer."

-He did?

-He did.

-So, pranks are a way for overworked minds to relax?

-MR ROCK GASPS

-She got it!

In that case, I'm going to have to study this very carefully.

Maybe a series of double-blind peer-reviewed experiments.

We've got a different definition of "relax"!

Argh! Mr Rock is Westbrook's best teacher. That's obvious.

So, why is my speech so lame?

SOUND EFFECT GADGET BEEPS

Wait, got it! Everything's better with sound effects.

Mr Rock is the best.

KNIGHT'S TRUMPET SALUTE He's way better...

EXPLOSION ..than the rest.

DUCK'S QUACK Yeah, that's not going to work.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

-TOGETHER:

-Argh! April fool!

Ha, ha, very funny. I think not.

Ah, don't try and hide it, Stan.

-We all know how much you love April Fool's Day.

-Love it?

-It's worse than Halloween! At least that's got sweets.

-OK, Mr Grumpy.

-You two go and drag Hank out of his room.

-Where's Emily? She's late.

Hank's probably hidden her as a prank.

Emily?

What's the matter, Emily?

Er, acute pharyngitis caused by a streptococcal infection.

-I'll call an ambulance then.

-Er, she's got a sore throat.

-Yeah, I knew that.

-I need to take the day off.

-Off school?

-Mmm.

You must be feeling really awful. OK, stay in bed.

Your dad can look after you, unless, of course,

you're scared of Emily pranking you, Stan?

No, I think I'm quite safe from Emily.

Unlike some people, she knows how to behave like an adult.

Yep, definitely. That's me.

Totally prank-free.

-Are you still doing your biology essay?

-What biology essay?

-Hank!

-I got distracted trying to write my speech for Mr Rock.

-Oh, fair enough.

But then I got distracted from Mr Rock's speech,

trying to come up with a prank for Miss Adolph.

And I finally got one, but it won't work without 100 helicopter drones,

an ice rink and an x-ray machine.

Face it, Hankster, no-one can prank Miss Adolph.

And she's going to win teacher of the year.

She's bound to give the sort of boring presentation Mr Joy likes.

Yeah.

-Unless...

-Unless what?

-Maybe there's still a chance. Follow me!

FRANKIE SQUAWKS

Excuse me, message from Mr Joy coming through, watch out.

-What's going on?

-All teachers taking part in the top teachers contest

need to make their Stepping Into The Future Presentation

as exciting and innovative as possible.

-It's a last-minute change to test their improvisation skills.

-Sneaky.

-I'm going to tell Miss Adolph.

-Or you could forget to tell her.

-Why?

So her presentation will be really boring

-and she won't win the contest. This is it. She'll be pranked.

-Oh, dear.

I almost feel sorry for the boy.

Nice try, Henry Zipzer, but I heard everything.

Consider your message delivered, Miss Wong. Good day.

-How did I do?

-Amazing!

-Did she fall for it?

-Yeah, totally. Miss A's been pranked!

Yes!

Ha, ha! You are not pulling anything on ME today! No-one is.

-Why are you here?

-I just popped back from the deli

while it was quiet to check on Emily but I wouldn't have bothered

if I'd known you were looking after her quite so well.

She's fine. I think.

She's probably curled up asleep in there.

No, Stan, if Emily were fine, she'd be at school.

If Emily were ill, she'd be at school. Something's really up.

Emily, love, it's Mum. I just wanted to check that you were...

Oops.

What were you doing, Emily?

What was so important that you had to miss school?

I need to prank myself under controlled conditions.

Of course you do.

Mr Rock said that pranks can make you better at learning

and I want to be better at learning, so I want to like pranks.

-Oh, and how's that going?

-I still don't like pranks.

-Well, you've got that in common with your father.

-Right, how do I look?

-Did I get rid of it all?

-You, you missed a bit.

-Better?

-Yes, perfect.

Well, I love pranks and I want to show you how to love pranks too.

Er, as long as you do it far away from me, right?

-This is a prank-free zone.

-Course it is.

That's why I'm taking Emily to the deli.

No, left hand up, boy!

Mr Joy, I did wonder if I might possibly have

a minute of your valuable time.

You! Shout at that boy until that sign is straight!

What is it, Miss Adolf?

It's about innovation and excitement, headmaster.

-Only I had thought you might prefer...

-No! That's worse!

-I've said what I preferred, haven't I?

-Mmm.

-Get on with it!

Well, if it's excitement you want, headmaster,

it's excitement you'll jolly well get! Hmm.

Emily, would you make yourself useful and get me

-some mozzarella from the fridge, please?

-It's not going to work, Mum.

I'm just not the sort of person that enjoys pranks.

Just do as you're asked, please, Emily.

-But, Mum, I know what you're doing.

-The cheese, please.

EMILY SIGHS

Three, two, one. Cue the...

MUM AND PAPA PETE LAUGH

..clown.

Hilarious. Mum, I've got an IQ of 142.

I can quote pi to 37 decimal places.

-Really?

-You're going to have to try a lot harder

-than just surprise me with a clown.

-OK, what about...?

Not two clowns, either.

Welcome to the inaugural Westbrook top teacher contest.

The first of our four presentations this morning

on our school motto - Stepping Into The Future - comes from Mr Korpal.

-Take it away.

-APPLAUSE

Stepping into the future - how does that relate to YOUR future

and your position in the workplace?

..Therefore increasing seasonally adjusted musical productivity

by 0.70%.

And I would just like to say, before I end,

yes, this was THE most boring speech you will ever hear,

but I've got to win this contest because trumpets just ain't cheap.

SOUNDLESS BLOW LAUGHTER

Thank you, Mr Rock. That was very good, surprisingly.

Now get off my stage!

Next...

APPLAUSE

-IN ROBOTIC VOICE:

-Step into the future at Westbrook.

You won't believe your eyes.

What will 2060 look like?

Well, try this on for size.

LAUGHTER

-Look what you did!

-I know.

DANCE MUSIC

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

(Slide.)

She's going to fall off the stage.

Thank goodness for that. It might end this horror!

-Look out, Miss A!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-LOUD THUD

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

-Prank, Zipzer! You got Miss Adolf!

-Yep. So, why do I feel so bad?

Was that meant to be some kind of April Fools' joke?

No, headmaster.

I thought it was...

..innovative and exciting, just like you wanted.

It was horrendous, Miss Adolf, and embarrassing and expensive.

Have you seen the dent you made in the floor?

I... I'm so sorry.

And if you think you're going to be Westbrook's top teacher now,

you've got another thing coming.

-But...

-You didn't even look like a real robot.

I'm not looking through the telescope.

But you love space stuff, don't you? Just do it!

But I know there's shoe polish on the end.

-Just look through the telescope, Emily.

-Fine.

EMILY SIGHS

MUM LAUGHS

-April fool!

-I've changed my mind. I want to go back to school.

I've got a chemistry problem I need to crack.

Nope, not until you love pranks.

Emily, come with me.

Your mother is trying to help you

but you're too clever for her to surprise,

so why don't you go and fill the sugar pots, stay out of her way?

EMILY GASPS AND LAUGHS

You got me! You pranked me and...I enjoyed it.

-This is all down to you. You must feel amazing.

-Yes, sort of.

Playing humble, huh? I like it.

PUPILS LAUGH

LOUD PARP

LAUGHTER

Uh-oh, don't blow a fuse, Miss.

PUPILS LAUGH

Ha, that's very, um...funny, Frankie.

Um, today's, um, lesson will be on...

-PUPILS LAUGH CLASS:

-April fool!

-Miss Adolf, do you want me to collect in the essays for you?

-What?

Oh, um, yes, please, Nicholas.

-Hank, you've broken Miss Adolf.

-I haven't broken Miss Adolf.

Miss Adolf, Henry Zipzer hasn't done his essay.

-Well, um...maybe tomorrow, Henry.

-PUPILS GASP

Oh, no, I've completely and totally broken Miss Adolf.

MECHANICAL WHIRRING AND POPPING

Miss Adolf, if you can't punish Zipzer

for a clear homework infringement,

I cannot speak on your behalf at the top teachers contest this afternoon.

I resign.

Very well, Nicholas.

What have I done?

KNOCKING

Come in.

I wanted to apologise, Miss.

Er, apologise? Whatever for?

For making you think you had to dress up.

I wanted to prank you so badly that I didn't even think

about how it might...you know, make you feel.

-Oh...not to worry.

-Not to worry, Miss?

Yes, I mean, I, I did so want to be Westbrook's top teacher

but that chance has gone now.

Let's not dwell on the past, Hank.

Do you mind if I call you Hank?

Hank?! This is awful! I need to get the old Adolf back somehow.

I know. There's only one thing for it.

Oh, come on, Miss! That's got to be worth a month's detention at least!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Er, time for the top teacher prize-giving.

Haven't you got a speech to give?

HE SIGHS Yes, yes, I have.

I'm so glad Papa Pete's prank worked for you.

Now you can see how fun it is.

-Argh!

-What? What's that?

April fool!

After Papa Pete's prank, I had an idea about my chemistry project.

I added a compound of magnes... Never mind.

I added some chemicals to the soup, and voila!

Smoke and bubbles.

Right, nice.

-And, um, these chemicals - are they safe to eat, yes?

-Safe to eat...

-PARPING

-The soup! Don't eat the soup!

No, no!

TOGETHER: April fool!

THEY LAUGH

That's not funny!

Minions, we are just three pupils' speeches away

from discovering which teacher's department

will be the recipient of £1,000.

-PUPILS: Ooh!

-Don't say, "Ooh!"

Now, I understand that Nicholas McKelty has declined to speak

on behalf of Miss Adolf after today's debacle,

and who can blame him?

So, I call on Henry Zipzer to speak on behalf of Mr Rock.

APPLAUSE

Mr Rock is a great teacher and if I have any musical talent at all...

-He doesn't.

-..it's because of him.

He's taught me the school is about so much more than exams and grades

but he's not Westbrook's top teacher.

Westbrook School is like the human body.

No part is more important than the other.

Mr Rock - he's the heart keeping the rhythm.

Mr Joy - decide for yourself which part HE is.

LAUGHTER And Miss Adolf - she's the feet.

She's tough, she's supportive and she keeps us moving forward.

Every part of the body is important, so that's why my vote

for Westbrook's top teacher goes to everyone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a lot of nonsense, Henry!

The most important part of the human body is the spleen,

as you would well know if you had done your essay!

And school is ALL about grades and examinations,

whatever this transatlantic troubadour might tell you.

Honestly, if you're going to spout this egalitarian claptrap,

just because I relax for a couple of hours,

then I'm going to have to double the pressure on you!

-PUPILS GASP

-On all of you!

So, if everybody wins, who gets the money?

Well, me! Yes, it'll go nicely towards my holiday to the Bahamas.

-Excuse me?

-Er, for research for headmasters

and how we react to sandy beaches.

-PUPILS MURMUR

-All right,

it'll be shared between everyone.

Then that gives me enough money to get half a trombone.

Dismissed!

-I'm sorry, Mr Rock.

-Are you kidding?

You did the right thing, Hank. My presentation was boring.

It wasn't even worth £1, let alone £1,000.

But I'm telling you, from now on, it is fun Rock or no Rock at all.

-Thank you for your kind words, Henry.

-You're welcome, Miss.

-Now, don't be late for detention.

-Detention, Miss?

-For the next month.

You don't think you can vandalise a textbook

and get away with it, do you?

And she's back!

-I've got enough cans.

-What's happening?

Goodness Fizz is giving away sports free equipment to schools

-that collect their cans.

-Get in!

-Ow!

-Oops.

Sorry. We should all be allowed to play with the new equipment.

Well, Frankie and Ashley are allowed but you're not.

You're like a suffragette.

-Do you make a fuss?

-Yes.

-No!

You show them, comrade.

My team beats the best, we get to play in the elite sports centre.

You're not going to beat us.

-WHISTLE

-Let's go!

-Argh! Zipzer!