Episode 1 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off, this show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible History's Gory Games... #

Hello, and welcome to Gory Games with me, Dave Lamb.

And me, Rattus Rattus.

This is the show where you get to test your knowledge

of Horrible Histories, with truly gruesome, gory games.

Yes, so if you're of a nervous disposition,

a bit squeamish or easily shocked, then this show is not for you.

Right, that should got rid of the parents. On with the programme.

Yes, let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

Hi, I'm Lukas.

Hi, I'm Zoe.

Hi, I'm TJ.

Right, just to get us in the mood,

I've prepared a little warm-up game from the Georgian era.

-Rattus, tell me this isn't another one of your hare-brained ideas.

-No.

It's a genuine Georgian game

from the Highland Games of the 1820s. It's called Twisting the Cow.

-Twisting the Cow?!

-Mm.

In front of our four players is a cow carcass.

All they have to do is twist its legs off.

Er, sorry, our contestants can't do that.

Course they can.

The cow carcass is really rotten, so the legs will practically drop off.

No, what I mean is they can't do that because it's disgusting.

Sorry, Big Tony, can you help me get this out of here, please?

I'm not having this.

FLESH TEARING

-We have a winner!

-Ooh.

Right, I'm going to need a new shirt, and when I get back

I do not want to see this useless carcass.

Or a dead cow.

Lukas, Zoe and TJ, you are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a date. At the end of the show,

your Year Sphere dates will be added up,

with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates being subtracted from it.

If these were your Year Spheres, your total would be...

-Rattus?

-Er, four?

Oh, dear. It's 735, actually. Did you even go to school?

I lived in a sewer near a school, if that counts.

-It counts better than you do.

-Oi!

At the end of the show, the person with the highest year score

will win a prize to take home and keep.

One picked out by my fair paws.

So it's probably one to take home and throw away.

Right, let's get cracking, and, to find out what this round's about,

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Rotten Romans.

So, four questions on the Rotten Romans coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the Year Sphere.

Your four Roman topics are...

Lukas, please pick away.

Er, I pick...Emperors.

True or false?

Emperor Domitian was so scared of being stabbed in the back,

he stood with his back against the wall, all day long.

So, true or false?

Let's have a look at those answers.

Everybody has gone for true.

Let's find out if you're all right or all wrong.

It's false.

But he did have the walls of his palace polished like mirrors,

so he could see behind him.

That's no points so far. Plenty of time to catch up.

-Ever worried someone's after your job?

-Not likely.

They'd have to work with you, Rattus.

-Zoe, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-I pick Luck.

True or false, we Roman ladies believed it was good luck

to comb our hair with the spear of a dead gladiator.

Show me your answers, everyone.

Everyone's gone for true again.

They agreed last time and were wrong. And this time?

It's true. Though it wasn't such good luck for the gladiator.

No, absolutely not. Excellent. We're all off the mark.

TJ, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Executions.

Is this true or false?

Let's have a look at those answers.

Everybody's gone for true again.

I can tell you...

it's true, the wasps would sting him to death.

-Please do not try this at home.

-Not even with your PE teacher.

Not even with him.

Look at that. Two points apiece with one topic left to go.

The last topic is Parents, and that is a question from Rattus Rattus.

If a Roman child angered their father,

then the father could sell them off as a slave.

Is that true or false?

-Oh!

-They've all gone for true.

Three true answers again.

Rattus, put us out of our misery. Are they right or wrong?

It's true.

And if they were really angry, the father could have the child executed!

So next time you're badly behaved, be glad your parents aren't Roman.

OK, well, you've drawn, seeing as you've agreed on everything.

Three points apiece. That means we go to the buzzer tie-breaker.

First one to buzz in and give me the correct answer wins the Year Sphere.

Beginning with the letter G,

what name was given to specially trained warriors

who fought in the Colosseum?

-TOILET FLUSHING

-TJ.

-Gladiator.

Gladiator is absolutely right. TJ, you've won the quiz.

It's time to choose your Year Sphere from our trolley wally.

All right, TJ? Pick your Year Sphere.

Nobody knows which one contains which date, but be warned,

one could be a Stone Age date, worth millions of minus points.

Are you sure that's the one you want?

-Yeah.

-OK, I'm off. Push, push, push...

So, winning the quiz means that TJ is automatically through to play

the Roman game, but will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play Gory Game.

So that means it's off down the time sewer with the lot of you.

Go on, TJ, lead the way.

-See you, Dave.

-Bye. See you, Zoe.

-Bye.

-See ya!

-See you, Lukas.

The Roman Empire didn't get so big without the Romans being ruthless.

It's time to play...

When attacking an enemy fortress, Roman armies would use catapults

to lob in rocks, beehives and - wait for it -

the severed heads of any defenders they'd captured.

Fire as many missiles into your fortress target as possible.

Ready, steady...

-HORN BLARING

-So, it's Savage Siege.

What they have to do is catapult different objects into the basket.

-There's a head on the way now.

-Oh! TJ's got one in straight away.

A decapitated head has been flicked into a basket,

and that's a cause for celebration.

They've got lots of different objects.

There's Lukas loading a rock.

A beehive, which he's going to attempt to fling in, TJ.

That's fallen short, but he's got a head in.

So he's in the lead by a HEAD, Rattus!

-Ha-ha, quite literally, Dave.

-Absolutely. By two heads!

There's a second head, landing nicely.

Well, it's an excellent start from TJ.

It's a decent start from Lukas, he's landed one there in his net.

Here, he lines up a head.

Oh, that scores two. They're neck and neck, well, head and head.

Now, Zoe, that's a better effort. She's put that into TJ's basket!

-Oh no!

-Oh, well, that won't count, Rattus, and why should it?

You know it wasn't him who put it in there.

And TJ's putting plenty in there himself, isn't he?

He's forged ahead of Lukas, who's dropped back dramatically.

-TJ's on the point of mastering this, isn't he, Rattus?

-He is, Dave.

The skill to this game appears to me to be your pull on the catapult

in relation to the weight of the object being catapulted,

with the stones weighing twice as much as the head

and the beehive being variable, depending on the number of bees.

Superb analysis, that, Rattus.

That's years of experience coming from Rattus.

Ooh, one bouncing out from TJ.

-One miles over the top from Lukas. Extraordinary.

-BELL CHIMES

-There's the bell.

-30 second remaining.

30 seconds, the disembodied voice agrees with me.

Is this the beginning of a comeback for Lukas? There's one for Zoe.

Finally she lands one, and TJ re-establishes his lead.

Clear blue water for TJ. Another one for TJ. Extraordinary effort!

Zoe pops another one in his basket. That won't count either.

Lukas suddenly finds himself miles behind. TJ, eight points scored now.

An extraordinary effort. What an aim this man has. Nine stones!

-Extraordinary scenes here.

-HORN BLARING

Time's up!

-It's all over.

-It's all over.

-It's all over.

The savage siege is at an end.

The heads, the rocks and the hives fall silent.

And TJ is king of catapults.

That was tremendously exciting, but way out in front was TJ.

Please collect your Year Sphere.

You were absolutely brilliant at that.

And, Zoe, TJ was doing well enough on his own without your help.

What happened there?

I don't know, I think my aim was off.

And Lukas, you started off with an absolute rocket, didn't you?

-Yeah, but...

-It was good.

-It just went wrong.

-It went wrong?

Are you blaming your equipment?

-Yes.

-Good, it's the equipment's fault.

So, to find out what's next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day!

Ah, so four questions again,

and here are your all-important Victorian topics.

-Zoe, it's your turn to pick first this time.

-Schools.

How were you punished in a Victorian school

if you left ink blots and finger marks on your work?

So, is it A, B or C? Let's have a look at those answers.

Everybody has gone with A.

Well, let's find out if they're all right or all wrong.

The answer is A, you were caned.

Usually with an especially thin cane, because they hurt more.

You weren't put to death, even Victorian schools weren't that bad.

Thankfully, they weren't that bad.

TJ, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Um...

Gadgets.

Prop question, prop question!

This is a genuine Victorian gadget,

but what was it for? Was it...

A, a backside protector for schoolboys when they were caned?

RATTUS CACKLES

He loves all that stuff.

Was it B, a belly warmer for coach drivers?

RATTUS CACKLES

Bums and tums, loves them both.

Or was it C, a headache cure?

So, show me now.

And at last, they have disagreed on something.

The actual correct answer is...

B.

It was a belly warmer for coach drivers,

so Lukas picks up the point.

Do you know the best way to keep your belly warm?

-What's that?

-Plenty of fur.

Not something we can all do.

Lukas, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Crimean War.

-Crimean War?

Rattus, in your own time.

Which of these items of clothing

does not take its name from the Crimean War?

OK, let's see your answers now, please.

Zoe and TJ agreeing on B, Lukas out on his own again on C.

Rattus, which is it?

The answer is...

B, the Wellington boot.

Named after the Duke of Wellington, famous from the Battle of Waterloo.

And that wasn't part of the Crimean war.

The cardigan was invented by the Crimean officer Lord Cardigan,

and the balaclava was named after

the famous Crimean battle of Balaklava.

Oh, I've just come over all brainy again!

THUD!

At last, a bit of peace and quiet.

-I'm up again!

-Couldn't last.

Never mind. Everyone on two points, excellent.

Last question this round is on Parlour Maids, and here it comes.

A parlour maid in a posh Victorian house had to work long days,

but just how long were their days?

So, a parlour maid had to work very long hours, but just how long?

Let's see your answers now, please.

Well, Lukas an Zoe agreeing on C, TJ striking out on his own on B.

The answer is C.

Maids worked 16 hours a day from 6.30am till 10.30pm.

But they did get paid nearly £6.

That's a year, obviously, not per hour.

I'd have done it for that.

Lukas and Zoe, it's fingers-on-buzzers time,

to decide the fate of the Year Sphere.

Beginning with the letter S, what did all children have to attend...

SNEEZING

-Lukas.

-School.

School is correct. Well done, Lukas.

You've just won your first Year Sphere.

As the quiz winner, you're also through to play the Victorian game,

but will it be just you or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out.

It's a Single Play Brainy Game, so I hope your brain's feeling ready.

Lukas, get yourself down that Time Sewer.

LUKAS GRUNTS

Isambard Kingdom Brunel - designer, engineer, visionary

and rubbish magician.

Yes, back in 1843, one of the Victorian age's greatest minds

got a coin stuck in his throat while doing a magic trick.

He eventually managed to dislodge it using a clever device.

It's time to play...

Your challenge it to work out which cog goes where.

Once they're in the right place,

you can turn the wheel to flip Brunel upside down

to dislodge the coin and win your Year Sphere.

But be quick - you're against the clock, which is starting to tick...

now!

HORN BLARES

So, Lukas is underway on this Barmy Brunel challenge.

He's got a very small one in his hand.

Well, that's not going to go in there.

I can't imagine he'll leave it there. Oh, he left it there.

I'm not entirely sure he understands the principle of cog mechanisms.

Yes, I don't think you'll get Brunel moving very far

with that tiny little fella lying next to the main crank cog.

There's Brunel, lying there.

He's not going to be doing anything, I don't think.

Dave, I have to say, "a technological marvel"

is just one of the phrases that does not describe this machine.

Have to agree with you at the moment.

Mind you, having said that, once the cogs are in the right place,

it definitely does work.

The trouble is,

Lukas doesn't seem to understand the basic principles here.

That's not touching anything. That's not going anywhere.

It's looking grim for Barmy Brunel.

Yep.

No...that's not going to work.

DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT

DAVE SIGHS

Rattus, pass me that letter.

Maybe now's a good time to mention,

we've had a lovely cake sent in, Rattus,

by a Mrs Jones of East Grinstead.

It's a strawberry cake and we're delighted to receive it,

so thank you, Mrs Jones. We'll have that with a cup of tea later.

-Was that the one with blue icing?

-It was.

I just found that a bit odd.

-What do you mean? Have you eaten it?

-Mm.

That's a shame. I was looking forward to that.

30 seconds remaining.

So just 30 cake-free seconds remaining now. Thank you, Rattus(!)

And it's not happening for poor old Lukas.

It's very different, though, isn't it, Rattus,

when you're there, under the lights, the pressure of the moment's on you.

It's all very well sitting up here and, er...seeing how it works

-but if you're down there it's a different story.

-Quite right, Dave.

It's just not going to work out for him here,

-I think he's running out of time now.

-Time's up!

And he has...run out of time, so poor Barmy Brunel

is going to have to choke to death and it's all Lukas's fault.

Not really.

Welcome back, Lukas. Take your place behind the podium.

No Year Sphere, I'm afraid.

Brunel designed all sorts of amazing things,

including what was - at the time -

the biggest ship in the entire world,

the SS Great Eastern.

Sadly, when the ship was launched,

the engine room exploded, killing six people.

The horror of the explosion gave Brunel heart problems and he died.

-That's not funny at all!

-I know, we should probably move on.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out who's up next.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

Four questions as always and here are your four Tudor topics.

-TJ, it's your turn to lead off.

-Executions.

Executions.

How many executions was I responsible for in my lifetime?

Was it...

It is A, B or C? Show me now.

Interesting.

The answer is...

Which, coincidentally, is roughly my daily intake of calories.

-HE FARTS

-Oh.

Revolting.

So, TJ, what a start.

1-0 up.

Lukas, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Er, Jobs.

What did my Groom of the Stool have to do?

A, look after all my royal furniture?

B, wipe my bottom?

Or, C, help me up on to my horse?

Let's have a look at those answers.

So Lukas and TJ agreeing on B. Zoe going out on her own with C.

The answer is B. He had to wipe my bottom.

Which was a busy job, given how much I like to eat.

HE FARTS

Oh!

It sounds dreadful, but Groom of the Stool was a sought-after position,

because it meant that you were close to the king.

But much too close!

HE LAUGHS

THEY ALL LAUGH

In many cases, much too close.

Zoe, pick a topic.

Erm, Cures.

Hope you're feeling brainy. Here's my question...

A, swallowing powdered human skull?

B, licking a live toad?

Or, C, eating minced rat brains?

Zoe and TJ going for A, Lukas out on his own with C.

The answer is...

A, swallowing powdered human skull.

Hope you got it right!

Wow.

How they worked out that swallowing powdered human skull

would make you feel LESS sick, I have no idea.

OK. TJ has an unassailable lead. He's 3-1-1 up.

Collect yourself a Year Sphere, TJ.

So, TJ, you are through to play the Tudor game

but will it be All Play or will it be you playing all on your own?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play Brainy Game.

Well, it's time for you all to clear off down the Time Sewer.

Lead the way, TJ.

-Bye, Dave.

-Bye, TJ. I love the way you say goodbye to me every time.

-Bye, Dave!

-Goodbye, Zoe!

Elizabeth I liked to look good.

Only problem was, she didn't look good.

Her skin had been trashed by smallpox and lead-based make-up,

so she preferred to have portraits of her younger self copied

rather than have artists paint how she really looked.

It's time to play...

You have to assemble two perfect copies of an Elizabeth portrait.

The problem is your two puzzles are made from differently shaped pieces.

Fiendish!

Complete your puzzles quicker than the others to win the Year Sphere.

In 3...2...1...

HORN BLARES

And they're off.

They've got to build two identical portraits of Queen Elizabeth here

but the pieces for the two pictures are cut in different ways,

so it's a real problem for the mind, this one.

A real problem for the mind.

Zoe making an easy start. Lovely.

It's a considered start there, Dave, isn't it?

It really is. It really is.

TJ there has a first piece in place. It's a big piece.

He's gone for the centre of the picture, her fizzog.

It's a lovely technique, that, to get those big pieces down early.

I have to say, Zoe seems to be doing extraordinarily well, Rattus.

She is, she's storming ahead here.

Come on, boys!

I could've painted a portrait quicker than this!

Granted, it would have been a bit rubbish.

Come on, Zoe. Come on, Zoe!

She's doing extremely well here. Look at this.

I can see the queen's head twice, there, and I haven't been drinking.

That is a tremendous effort.

Look at this, she's absolutely steaming along here.

Come on, Zoe!

I don't think the boys have actually seen how fast Zoe's doing here.

They're almost napping!

Yeah, I can see an awful lot of empty, yellow space there

and quite a lot of green space as well, whereas Zoe is there.

She's actually done it!

Well, congratulations, Zoe. That is fantastic.

Welcome back. Zoe, collect your Year Sphere.

-I hope it's a good one!

-I'm not very good at puzzles.

Not bad at mazes though, from my years as a lab rat,

when they tested intelligence-improving drugs on me.

-The drugs didn't work, then?

-No.

-No.

Time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Vicious Vikings.

No quiz in our final round,

it's straight to our big All Play Viking Endgame.

And it's a scary one!

Everyone, get back down that Time Sewer, now!

-Bye, Dave!

-Bye, TJ!

-Bye, Dave!

-Bye!

It's 793 AD and the peaceful tranquillity

of the island monastery of Lindisfarne

is about to come to an end.

And how! It's time to play...

You are defenceless monks.

Your only hope of survival is the Vikings won't find you.

Every time you step on a sinking, squeaking wooden panel,

you'll be sent back to the start.

Reach the end of the path and you're faced with two doors.

Behind one is freedom.

Behind the other is...

Hrrargh!

..a Viking.

Find him and you have to start all over again.

First person to escape wins the Year Sphere. Ready...

steady...

HORN BLARES

So here we go then, with Viking Attack.

And they all got it wrong straight away.

Extremely wrong, there. Everyone back to the start!

Completely wrong-footed themselves, literally.

They literally did exactly that. Look at that monk in the background.

Oh, ho! He was sinister. They're not sinister, though,

they're peace-loving people. I don't know why we fear them. There's one!

Anyway, back to the game. It's a very, very cagey game, this.

I've not seen anyone patent the "dab" technique yet,

which I think we'd have to outlaw, where you dab your foot down

at the panel that's in front of you, just to see if it's going to move.

Sensibly, they haven't tried that.

But look at Lukas, he seems to be doing well here.

He's made it well over halfway already.

There he is... Oh! You see it go down there.

That's what happens -

the panel depresses, it gives a squeak and you're back to the start.

PANEL SQUEAKS

This is squeakier than the Bi-annual Mouse Gorgonzola Cheese Festival!

And that was squeaky.

It's an absolute squeak-fest, that event.

I've been to it many times.

I think one of the difficulties with this game, Dave,

is you hear the other boards squeaking as well as your own,

which makes it quite tricky.

The giveaway is your foot will sink down if it's you.

-That's absolutely right.

-So...Lukas is back up there.

I think he's going all the way here.

I don't want to get overexcited but one more step and he's done it.

-Come on!

-It's a solid step! Now, he's got the 50-50 choice.

Is it freedom or is it miserable death?

-It's freedom!

-Freedom!

And there's the dance. And why wouldn't he dance?

He's just had his life saved!

Welcome back. Lukas, help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Time to count up those Year Spheres, and remember,

AD years are added to your total and BC years are subtracted from it.

So despite the fact that there's an imbalance in Sphere numbers,

anyone can still win at this stage.

Lukas, we'll start with you. Show me your first Sphere, please.

1918 AD.

The end of the First World War.

Let's have a look at your second one.

1805 AD.

The Battle of Trafalgar was that year. That's a total of 3,723.

That is an excellent target.

Now, Zoe, seeing as we're only up to the year 2011,

this could be a problem for you. Let's look at what you've got.

Oh, it was 1788 AD, the first European settlement in Australia.

TJ, it's all down to you. 3,723 to beat. Can you do it?

Let's have a look at your first Sphere.

1199 AD, the death of Richard the Lionheart.

You're up and running. Let's look at the second.

1415 AD. Henry V beat the French at Agincourt.

You need 1,110 to win.

Let's have a look at that final Sphere.

1840 AD!

Queen Victoria married Prince Albert.

And that means that today's winner, with 4,454 points, is TJ,

who gets to take home the incredibly rare star prize.

"Incredibly rare" in that it's incredibly hard to find prizes

as bad as the ones Rattus comes up with.

Come on, Rattus, what's today's epic disappointment?

Well, for your information, this prize is actually a beautiful ring,

dating back to the 17th Century.

-That actually does sound pretty good.

-Unfortunately...

this ring belonged to a victim of the famous pirate Blackbeard

and as the ring didn't slip easily off the finger,

Blackbeard did what any self-respecting pirate would do.

He cut the whole finger off!

RATTUS CACKLES

-Rattus, you have surpassed yourself.

-Ooh, thank you!

Not a compliment.

-Well, congratulations to TJ!

-Yes.

There you go, TJ. Congratulations.

You may want to put it somewhere you can't see it.

Well, it just remains for me to say thanks to our champion, TJ,

and thanks also to our gallant runners-up, Zoe and Lukas.

And no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

Your growing frustration is thanks enough, Dave.

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye!

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