Episode 2 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas Ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound Of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared And don't laugh at poo

# You better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory Games. #

Hello, and welcome to Gory Games with me, Dave Lamb,

and my assistant Rattus Rattus.

The talking rat and the talking Lamb.

You get to test your knowledge of Horrible Histories

with quirky quizzes and gory games.

So, let's meet our Horrible Historians.

-Hi, I'm Ashley.

-Hi, Ashley.

-Hi, I'm Rowan.

-Hello, Rowan.

-Hi, I'm Zeke.

-Hi, Zeke.

-Hi.

Before we get going, there's just time for a little warm-up game

I like to call "Doc Doc".

-"Doc Doc"?

-Who's there?

Just get on with it.

HE LAUGHS

The ancient Greek doctor, Hippocrates,

had a very scientific approach to medicine.

He invented the technique of testing samples from patients

so we've taken samples from three sick patients.

The samples are -

snot, wee and earwax.

Oh, lovely.

And all you have to do is work out what they're suffering from.

And just how are they supposed to test them?

-Just like Hippocrates did.

-OK.

-You're going to taste them.

-Ew.

Just give them a taste and tell us what the patient is suffering from.

No, no, please do not do that, OK? Thank you.

Do you not understand the word "unhygienic"?

-No, I'm a rat.

-Let's just get on with the show.

Mmmm, this earwax is quite chewy.

Urgh.

Right. Ashley, Rowan and Zeke. You are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date

and at the end of the show your Year Sphere dates will be added up,

with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates being subtracted from it.

If these were your Year Spheres, your total would be... Rattus?

I can't do maths for medical reasons.

-Medical reasons?

-Yes. Maths could make my brain explode.

735 is the answer.

The person with the highest year count will win today's star prize.

-Believe you me - it's brilliant.

-Is it?

-Yeah, yeah.

-I sincerely doubt it.

To find out what this round's about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Gorgeous Georgians.

Your four Georgian topics are -

Ashley, it's your turn to pick first in this round. Pick a topic, please.

-George III.

-George III.

When King George III became ill, he started doing odd things.

Which of these did he supposedly do?

A - claim to be King of the Moon,

B - try and grow a beef tree,

or C - wear his shoes on his hands and his gloves on his feet.

So, is it A, B or C? Let's see your answers now, please.

There we go. Three B's.

You're all in total agreement.

Let's see if you're right.

The answer is B.

He planted some beef, thinking it would grow into a beef tree.

I'm no expert on farming, but I don't think that's how it's done.

No, no, no.

That is not how it's done, but it's a very good start from all of you.

You're off the mark with a point apiece.

-Rowan, it is your turn. Pick a topic for us, please.

-Crime.

The question is -

A's from Ashley and Rowan, a C from Zeke.

Let's see who's right.

The answer is -

It had recently been claimed for Britain

by our Georgian explorer, Captain Cook.

Well done, Zeke. Excellent work. You've forged into the lead.

Still plenty of time in this round.

Don't panic, everyone. Don't panic.

-Zeke, it's your turn.

-George II.

Where did King George II die?

A - in the middle of a banquet,

B - while riding his horse,

or C - on the toilet.

Well, the boys going for A.

Rowan going for C.

The answer is C. He died on the toilet.

HE LAUGHS

No, really, I shouldn't laugh. It's not...

No, no, no, no.

THEY LAUGH

-He died on the toilet.

-He died on the toilet.

That's not funny.

RATTUS LAUGHS

Sorry, I'm a professional at this.

The final question in this round

is on Cures and it's a question

-from Rattus Rattus.

-Thank you, Dave.

A Georgian cure for being bitten by an adder,

was to put what over the bite wound?

Was it A - warm chicken guts?

B - the grease from a badger?

Or C - a cowpat?

Well, look at that.

Rowan and Zeke going for A. Ashley out on his own with B.

-Rattus, put us out of our misery, what's the answer?

-A.

-Yay!

Georgian's would kill a chicken

and put its warm guts over the snake bite.

That's utter nonsense, isn't it?

Although warm chicken guts are a very good cure for hunger.

-Urgh.

-Yes, one word - yuck.

One word - yummy.

Two words - bad taste.

Two words - delicious taste.

Three words - let's stop this.

-Two letters - OK.

-Good.

That is the end of the round,

and what we see from our abacus of score is that

Zeke and Rowan have tied it on three points each.

Ashley, for now, you're history.

The other two of you, put your fingers on the buzzer

because we're about to have the first buzzer question.

Beginning with the letter G,

what is the name of the head-chopping device

used to execute posh people in the French Revolution?

-Zeke.

-Guillotine.

-Is correct. You've won the quiz.

Time to choose a Year Sphere.

You better hope it doesn't contain a Stone Age date

which could be worth a million minus points.

Push, push, push, push. Ah!

Zeke, come and pick your Year Sphere.

-Yeah.

-Any one you like.

-That one? You sure?

-Sure.

Okey-cokey. Push, push, push...

Winning the quiz means that Zeke is through

to play the Georgian game.

But will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

It's a single player silly game.

So, Zeke, it's off down the Time Sewer with you.

Go on, fellow. It stinks, by the way.

-Aw, that does stink, as well.

-I told you.

He's gone.

It's the 21st of October 1805,

and Lord Nelson has just sent a signal from his flagship saying,

"England expects that every man will do his duty."

But will you do yours?

It's time to play -

You are a British Navy gunner.

Your mission - to load, aim and fire your cannon at the enemy ships.

You score a point for every enemy ship you shoot

and lose a point for every British ship you hit.

Score six points in the time limit to win your Year Sphere.

And battle begins now!

BUZZER

So, here comes Zeke to try his hand at The Battle Of Trafalgar.

Remember, that platform he's on

is going to wobble around as if it's a ship at sea.

He's off already.

He's off already and that's one Spanish galleon taken out.

He needs six to win the Year Sphere.

Six and no misses against the British ship there.

That would be a terrible mistake.

We don't want to see any friendly fire.

But we like to see the French getting sunk. In this game.

So, he loads up the cannon ball.

-Are they cannon balls?

-Yes.

I ate two of them this morning thinking they were doughnuts.

Yeah, that must have challenged your teeth slightly, did it?

Not answering me.

Broken teeth. Three down.

Just have to mention the seagulls getting involved here, Rattus.

That seagull is really going to get hurt, isn't he?

It's all right, he's a stunt seagull, Dave.

As long as he's properly trained, it's fine.

There's another cannon ball going in. He's doing quite well here.

It's getting very close. He needs one more to do it.

You hear lots of stories about rats leaving sinking ships. Is that fair?

Absolutely. Any rat with half a brain will leave a sinking ship.

And, in fact, the rule of thumb is if you see a load of rats in the sea,

jump in and swim with them.

If you can gather enough of them together,

you can build a raft.

Fascinating stuff, Rattus. There it is! Zeke has done it.

Welcome back, Zeke. Collect yourself a Year Sphere.

Oooh, yay!

During the Battle of Trafalgar, the British lost 1,666 men

compared to the French and Spanish navies who lost nearly 14,000.

-How many more is that, Rattus?

-Oh, hold on. I've written it down.

-735.

-Is the right answer...

-Get in!

-..to the wrong question.

That's the answer to the Year Sphere sum from the top of the show.

Anyway, Trafalgar was a British military triumph.

734?

Moving on.

It's time now for us to find out what's up next,

so let's go over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

Here are your all-important Tudor topics.

Rowan, it's your turn to pick first this time.

-Wives.

-Wives.

I agreed to marry Anne of Cleves after being shown a picture of her.

When I actually met her,

she turned out to be far uglier than the picture.

So, what was my nickname for Anne of Cleves?

Total agreement.

B's across the board. Let's find out if you're right.

The answer is B - the Flanders mare.

As in a horse.

Because she looked like a horse. Ha ha ha! Brilliant!

Yeah, why the long face?

Cos you look like a horse.

So, that's a point apiece. Zeke, your turn to pick a topic.

-Elizabeth.

-Elizabeth.

My daughter Elizabeth I had a terrible temper.

No idea who she got it from.

What did she once throw at Sir Francis Walsingham's head?

The boys agreeing with B.

Rowan going for C. Let's find out who's right.

The answer is B.

She threw a slipper at him.

Hit him, too. That's my girl!

Brilliant.

The boys edging slightly ahead.

Still two questions left in this round, though.

Ashley, your turn to choose a topic.

I'd like Plays, please.

See what you make of this one.

The boys agreeing again on C. Rowan, out on her own with A.

Let's find out what the answer is.

The answer is C.

The female parts in Shakespeare's plays were played by teenage boys.

And one of our boys is going to win a Year Sphere

at the end of this round. Which will it be?

One topic left in this round.

That is Cures and it is a question from Rattus Rattus.

Which of these was not a Tudor cure for baldness?

A - smearing the head with horse droppings,

B - washing the head with the juice of beetles,

or C - smearing the head with the grease of a fox.

A complete spread of answers. All gone for different things.

Rattus, who is right?

A - smearing their head with horse droppings.

That was not a Tudor baldness cure.

Oh, by the way,

beetle juice mixed with fox grease makes a delicious pudding.

-Urgh.

-Uh.

Unnecessary, Rattus. That's the end of the round.

Ashley and Zeke, you have tied with three points apiece.

Rowan, you're history for now, I'm afraid.

But the other two, fingers on buzzers.

Beginning with the letter D,

what is the surname of the famous Tudor sailor

who defeated the Spanish Armada?

-Zeke.

-I think it's Drake.

It is Drake. Congratulations, Zeke.

Well done, you've won yourself another Year Sphere.

Pop round and collect it for me.

As the quiz winner, you're also through to play the Tudor game,

but will it be just you or will the others play too?

Let's find out.

It's a single player brainy game.

I'm sorry, Ashley, your time will come. So will yours, Rowan.

Let's get back down that Time Sewer. You know the way.

Seven famous Tudor-types,

five of them were beheaded on Henry's orders.

Only two died of natural causes.

And no, an axe didn't count as a natural cause.

Even during Henry's reign.

It's time to play -

Your challenge - to work out which five were beheaded.

Choose five names and move them to the beheaded board.

Then touch the severed Tudor head to find out how many you've got right.

Keep trying new combinations until you've got all five.

But you're against the clock.

And your time starts now.

BUZZER

So, here goes Zeke on the Axe Factor.

What he has to do here, Rattus,

is work out which five of these people

were executed by Henry VIII.

And Zeke clearly believes that Sir Thomas Moore and Anne Boleyn were.

Well, it's an encouraging start. He's got two names up there already.

And he's weighing up his options, here. I like to see this.

I like to see a player thoroughly think through their tactics

before acting.

It pays dividends. Jane Boleyn.

The whole Boleyn family going up there by the look of it, Rattus.

Henry VIII did not like those Boleyns. Katherine Howard.

This actually looks good to me.

-You've all five right!

-The severed head confirms it.

Zeke has five out of five, and he has won a Year Sphere.

Zeke, congratulations. Pick another Year Sphere.

Oooh.

So, Anne Boleyn, Henry's wife, was famously beheaded.

And George Boleyn, Anne's brother, got the chop, too.

As did Jane Boleyn, his wife.

Looks like Henry was trying to collect the Boleyn set.

It was probably Henry's favourite game - Unhappy Families.

HE LAUGHS

Unhappy Fam... You're funny.

So, it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Measly Middle-Agers.

Here are the Middle-Agers topics.

-So, Zeke, it's your turn to pick first this time.

-Death.

-Death.

True or false.

After Henry II heard that Thomas Becket,

Archbishop of Canterbury, had been murdered,

he threw a massive party.

OK, Ashley and Rowan going for true.

Zeke out on his own with false.

Let's find out the answer.

False.

Henry felt really guilty about Becket's death

and walked all the way to Canterbury

where he was ceremoniously whipped by monks.

So, Zeke, off to another flying start.

Ashley, your turn to pick a topic.

-Er, Meal Time.

-Meal Time.

True or false.

According to our Middle Ages table manners,

it was OK to spit onto the table at meal times.

The boys going for true. Rowan going for false.

Let's hear what the answer is.

It's false. It was not OK. It's quite disgusting.

Although it was OK to spit onto the floor at meal times. Obviously.

So, Rowan and Zeke, you have a point apiece.

Still time to catch up, Ashley. Don't panic.

-And Rowan, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Clothes.

That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

Well, thank you.

True or false.

In castles, clothes were kept in the toilet.

Well, Ashley and Rowan going for true.

Zeke on his own with false.

What's the answer, Rattus?

It's true. The castle toilet was called the garderobe.

Because it guarded robes.

Apparently the smell of poo and wee kept the cloth-eating moths away.

Though on the minor side, your clothes stank of poo and wee.

-No, it's not perfect.

-No, it's not ideal.

They've not thought that through.

OK, final topic of this round is Tournaments.

True or false.

Famous knight Sir William Marshall once failed to accept

one of his jousting prizes because his helmet was stuck on his head.

Ashley and Rowan again agreeing on true.

Zeke out on his own with false.

What's the actual answer, please?

It's true.

His helmet had been dented in the tournament

and he was at the blacksmiths having it prised off.

What he really needed was a can-opener.

HE LAUGHS

He loves it.

That means that Rowan, at the end of that round,

you've won your first Year Sphere. Please collect it.

Rowan, you're through to play the Measly Middle-Agers game

but will you be playing alone or will everyone get to play?

Ashley is actually praying. He wants to play.

Let's find out if he will.

It's an all play gory game.

Right, off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you. Lead the way, Zeke.

Down you go, Rowan.

-Urgh, it still stinks in here.

-Urgh, this is manky.

-This is disgusting.

William the Conqueror's funeral didn't exactly go according to plan.

His servants stole his treasure and the church burned down.

It's time to play -

You are William's servants

and your challenge is to take his treasure and put it in your chest.

The treasure is colour-coded,

and you must only take your own loot.

Whoever collects the most wins the Year Sphere.

You'd better be quick cos the church will burn down.

Your time starts now.

BUZZER

So, Ashley, Rowan, Zeke. All about to attempt Yuckeroo.

Remember, they have to get their own colour-coded treasure

into their own chests.

That is the point. Now, Ashley's made a very good start, there.

And Zeke has now levelled. It's one apiece.

Actually, the boy is showing a real aptitude for thieving, here.

Well, I'm just thinking anyone who's just tuned in

might think they're watching

the weirdest Crimewatch reconstruction.

That's a very good point.

We're not Crimewatch.

We might be on Crimewatch soon if we keep this kind of thing up.

Actually, I really want to point out

that we are not encouraging thieving.

Even from a dead tyrant, it's bang out of order. Don't do it.

I forgot to mention...

EXPLOSION

It's too late now.

William the Conqueror's guts are going to explode.

I should've mentioned that.

Bad Rattus for not reminding me. The boys - oblivious to it.

They carry on with their thieving but that's affected Rowan.

She doesn't want to go near the coffin.

She doesn't want to get covered in blood and guts and why should she?

BELL

30 seconds remaining.

Thank you. 30 seconds remaining. It's neck and neck for the boys.

Rowan doesn't look like she's going to take much more treasure.

Although she's got a bit at the end that she's comfortable with.

She's working her way feverishly, she's got it,

but the building's now on fire. They've got to get out of there.

This game is nearly over.

They need to get out of there quickly and finish the job.

BUZZER

The game is over.

That piece won't count from Zeke. The boys have finished all square.

Welcome back, Gory Gamers. Back behind your podiums.

Rowan, you had three pieces.

One of which was the wrong colour, so you actually got two points.

Ashley and Zeke, you got four each.

So, Ashley, help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Zeke, help yourself to a Year Sphere.

William's fat body really did explode at his funeral.

His burial was too long after his death

and his body had bloated due to the warm weather.

Must have been disgusting.

I take it you've never seen a rotten horse carcass explode.

That's even more brilliant!

In many ways, we are so very different, aren't we, Rattus?

We are.

Time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out who we've got.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

Ah, well, no quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our all play game

and what a scary one we've got for you.

Everybody, get back down that Time Sewer.

Well done, Zeke.

There we go.

Cheerio, Ashley.

Aw, it stinks. This is manky.

When Queen Victoria was no more than a child,

grave robbing was a common crime.

The bodies were sold to surgeons

who wanted to learn more about the human body.

It's time to play -

Your Vile Victorian challenge

is to steal three bodies from the graveyard.

Get them through the railings onto the carts,

find the key to the cemetery gate,

and get them to the surgeon's table. If you hear this noise -

WHISTLE

then you must rush back to the cemetery and hide

so the policeman doesn't spot you.

A second whistle means you can go again.

The first person to get all their bodies to the surgeon's table

and grab their dodgy money is the winner.

Three, two, one.

BUZZER

So, here we go with Victorian Grave Robbers.

Through the railings.

And Zeke's going for the

"hold it round the back and yank it" technique.

It's almost like he's trying to do the Heimlich manoeuvre, there, Dave.

Yeah, it's a bit late for that.

I don't think that corpse has any chance of coming back to life.

Rowan, unfortunately, is stuck here.

Now, oh, well done. Well done, Rowan. Now, onto the wobbly trolley.

Onto the wobbly trolley and Ashley has made it to the railings.

He's got to unlock that gate.

And there he goes. Ooh, he's like a safecracker, isn't he?

He just needs to take the body off the trolley,

and get it through that gate.

Oh, dear me. He thinks he's got to wheel the trolley in.

Well, you know, he's not going to get penalised for that.

I have to say that that trolley's not hampered him.

-Not yet.

-He's off.

-He's off and running.

He's got one corpse, he's gone back for another.

He's hungry for corpse.

WHISTLE

Now, there is the policeman's whistle.

They've got to get out of sight very quickly, here.

They need to... I'd hurry up if I were you, Rowan.

You need to make no sound

cos if you get caught grave robbing,

you're looking at life imprisonment.

I'll actually drop my voice a little bit here, as well.

Just in case I were to give them away.

He is a very, very efficient-looking policeman.

WHISTLE

He's missed them, though. He's missed them.

They've escaped life imprisonment so that's good news.

Back to grave robbing.

And Zeke's rifling through his trousers, looking for the key.

Zeke, notice, didn't take his trolley through,

and as a result, has made up quite a bit of ground there.

There's a bit of a fog in the air.

There was always a bit of a fog in those days.

Fogs used to come down and just settle.

All sorts of shenanigans you could get away with.

This sort of caper for a kick-off.

Bit of fog, grave robbers are out in force

and thank goodness for us they were because we wouldn't have this game.

Now, then. Where are we?

Zeke is wrestling with a man who looks like he's just played golf.

-Oh, he's off his trolley! He's off his trolley!

-Oh, dear me.

But there we go.

Ashley is doing very well. He's insisting on taking that trolley.

This is where it's going to cost him

cos Zeke has just nipped through with that second body.

Down now for the third corpse.

But he's been caught. He's been caught by Zeke now.

Rowan struggling there with her trolley.

I should point out at this stage that

the trolleys have an off-centred wheel.

And that's not accidental, Dave.

We've fixed the trolleys

so they're almost impossible to push evenly across the terrain.

You're right.

It's very interesting to see the different strategies.

And now Zeke is in the lead!

Ashley bringing his trolley through.

That is really going to cost him cos Zeke has the bag.

All he has to do is get the trolley down the other end,

and he's won it.

Ashley is nowhere to be seen

and Zeke passes through the railings like a ghost.

Celebrates in a slightly muted way.

I have to say, Ashley will be kicking himself

when he watches that back.

Welcome back. What a good game.

Very good game.

-Zeke, you've won yourself another Year Sphere.

-Cool.

You've got nowhere to put it.

I suggest you grab yourself one and give it to me to hold on to.

There we go. I'll look after that. I'll leave it there.

It's not going to be tampered with.

No-one's every beaten the podium before. Excellent work.

Can I just point out to viewers that

however badly you're doing at school,

grave robbing is not a sensible career option.

-I think they knew that.

-Well, you'd hope so, wouldn't you?

Time to count those Year Spheres.

Remember, AD dates are added to your total,

and BC dates are subtracted from it.

So, you can still win if you get lucky with the Spheres.

Ashley, let's open up your Sphere.

London's first flushing loo opened to the public.

Ashley, that gives you 1,852 points.

Rowan, let's see what you've got.

Oh, dear me.

Stone Age man domesticated dogs that year. Round about then, anyway.

Zeke, let's see what you've got.

Starting with that one.

United States Declaration of Independence.

Henry VIII married Anne Boleyn.

The Battle of Waterloo.

The end of the Second World War.

Jamestown colony founded in America.

Is it going to be spoiled by this Sphere?

I'm going to let you open it.

Let's have a look at it.

Hadrian's Wall built.

That means that you have a massive 8,798 points.

That's a big number.

That is a big number. It means that you are today's winner.

Which means you win the star prize which,

despite me constantly telling him it's not good enough,

has been plucked out of the Time Sewers by my hairy friend here.

What's the big prize?

Well, today's prize is the perfect family pet.

Yes. All the way from an ancient Egyptian pyramid,

-it's your very own mummified cat.

-A dead cat.

Yes, and speaking as a rat, that's the best kind of cat.

I'm sorry, viewers, I will be having stern words afterwards.

There you go, Zeke. Well done.

Apologies for the standard of the prize.

It just remains for me to say thanks to our winner Zeke,

thanks to our runners-up, Ashley and Rowan,

and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

-Happy to help.

-You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

# Was that show messy enough for you?

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# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory Games. #