Episode 3 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...Games! #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games with me,

Dave Lamb and my glamourless assistant, Rattus Rattus.

-Did you just say "glamourless"?

-Yes, I did.

This is the show where you test your knowledge of horrible histories

with quirky quiz questions and gory games,

set by the country's finest historical brains and Rattus Rattus.

The cheek!

Without further ado, let's meet today's horrible historians.

-Hi, I'm Jeevan.

-Hi, I'm Kate.

-Hi, I'm Billy.

Good hellos all round.

Right, let's get things started with a nice Stone Age warm-up game

called Bow and Arrow.

This is a target game where you fire rubber arrows

at a drawing of a bison, is it?

-No. Not exactly, no.

-I thought not.

Over in Sweden, Stone-Age people used to fire arrows

into the corpses of their recently dead relatives.

So our contestants will be firing

-sharp stone-headed arrows directly into...

-Oh, no, no. No way!

Not on my watch they're not!

I'm not letting them fire arrows into a corpse!

-Where is this corpse, anyway?

-Ah, yes.

Er, Dave... I've got a favour to ask of you.

You know how you're really kind of old and close to death anyway?

-I was thinking, maybe you could be the corpse...

-No, no, no.

-Is that a no, then?

-Yes, it's a no.

-Spoil sport.

Right, Jeevan, Kate and Billy, you're playing for Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date

and at the end of the show yours will be added together,

with AD dates being ADDED to your total and BC dates being SUBTRACTED.

You see what we've done?

So, if these were your Year Spheres, your total would be, Rattus?

-Er, more than some but less than lots.

-735.

Like I said.

At the end of the show, the person with the highest year score

will win a fantastic prize as selected by yours truly.

Yes, I wouldn't get too excited about that. Let's get cracking.

To find out what this round is about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

Arr! The Putrid Pirates it be.

And your four pirate topics are:

So, Jeevan, you pick first. Which takes your fancy?

-Can I have rules, please?

-Rules, it is.

True or false - Black Bart had strict rules on his pirate ship?

One of the rules was that it was lights out at 8pm every night.

Let's have your answers. Well, a clean sweep of trues.

Let's find out what the answer is.

It's true.

Lights and candles had to be put out at 8pm.

Though I can just put the lights out by putting my hand over my good eye!

Ah! Oh! Sorry. I'm afraid of the dark.

Yes, a slight misunderstanding there. But well done, you lot.

Three points scored. Kate, your turn to pick a topic.

Can I have superstitions, please?

True or false - us pirates would never eat sea turtles.

-It was considered bad luck.

-True or false? Let me see your answers now.

Another clean sweep of agreement. All going for true.

Let's hear what the answer is.

It's...false. Sea turtles were delicious. So bad luck for them.

They were ideal food for long voyages.

Just flip them on their backs and they couldn't go anywhere.

You could keep them alive for months till you wanted fresh meat.

Oh, that's cruel!

What? I'm a pirate. Of course I'm cruel!

Of course he's cruel. He's a pirate.

Billy, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Medicine, please.

You will be delighted to hear this is a prop question.

-Oh, I like a prop question!

-Here it comes.

Here comes the prop. Look at that. That is a small old saw.

True or false, aboard a pirate ship,

the ship's carpenter was often in charge of surgery.

Let's see your answers now. Oh, all three going for true.

I can tell you you're absolutely right. Few pirate ships had doctors

and carpenters were good with a saw so they did the amputations.

They could saw off your leg and make you a wooden one. Simple.

-Oh, sorry, Rattus. I'll put that down.

-Thank you.

So the final question of this round...

and it is a question from Rattus.

Hm? Oh, yes.

Is this true or false - a Georgian pirate once became an archbishop?

Let's see your answers.

All gone for the same again! This is uncanny! They've all gone for true.

Well it IS true. Lancelot Blackburne went from being a pirate

to becoming Archbishop of York. Bet you wouldn't sleep

-during one of his sermons!

-Absolutely not.

Because it's all square in this round,

we have the buzzer question.

Beginning with the letter B, what is... Hello!

-Billy, what do you think?

-Blackbeard.

-Let's hear the question.

Beginning with B, what is infamous pirate Edward Teach better known as?

Blackbeard was absolutely right!

So Billy has won the quiz.

Time for you to choose your Year Sphere from the trolley wally.

Oi, do you mind?

Push, push, push, push, push! Oh, well done, Billy.

Come and choose your Year Sphere - any one you want.

I hope it isn't a Stone Age date, worth a few million minus points.

-Push, push, push!

-Thanks, Trolley Wally!

Now, winning the quiz means Billy is through to play the pirate game

but will he be alone or will everyone play? Let's find out.

It's an All Play messy game! That means one thing -

it's off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you!

Go on! Off you go, Billy. Lead the way. In you go, fella.

-In you go, Kate. Go on, Jeevan, get in there!

-Ugh!

-It doesn't stink.

I don't know what you're talking about.

This game is all about chests and keys. Where are the keys?

That would be telling! There are some clues to help you find them.

The first person to retrieve the treasure map

from their colour-coded chests will win but, be warned,

there may be some pirate trickery afoot.

RATTUS LAUGHS LIKE A PIRATE

-Finished?

-Sorry.

-It's time for:

HORN BLARES

Here we go with Pirate Treasure. All reading the instructions.

-That's good, isn't it?

-Certainly is.

Part of the game, reading the instructions, Dave.

And Billy should be off to the Swabbie's bucket... No!

He's gone to the fruit!

Now, he's gone to the rotten fruit bucket.

Kate's all right, she should be there. There's Billy's clue.

He should be at Swabbie's bucket.

He isn't. He's gone to the rotten fruit. So that key will not fit.

Look at the slime on those keys, though, Rattus.

It really is quite revolting! And Billy, of course, struggling away.

But who's going to be first? It's Jeevan. Jeevan is off and running.

Kate now, second behind Jeevan.

And Billy is simply not going to get into that chest.

So, who is going to get that second chest open first? Let's have a look.

Billy, quite rightly, has given up

but he's thrown the key on the floor.

-No-one likes that. Almost dissent.

-Temper, temper!

There's Kate, getting up to her elbows in the horrible bucket there.

Absolutely revolting. Oh! She's on the right track.

She's forging ahead. Oh, and that is revolting.

Oh, and he's in the wrong bucket again! But here comes Billy.

Now he's moving. Now he's shifting.

Let's have a look at that clue.

"Which bird says 'pieces of eight'?"

That's a parrot. There's the parrot!

Kate is on the last one. She just needs to look in the hanging bag.

I think Kate might be on her way.

This is the last chest that she's undoing.

Everyone doing extremely well here now, apart from Jeevan of course!

He's in the wrong bucket. Tell him!

Put him out of his misery! And Kate has won it!

She holds aloft the treasure map

that tells of glories beyond our thinking.

And Jeevan could be looking in there all day

because he's looking in the wrong bucket.

-That is a yellow bucket. You are wearing green.

-Oh!

Welcome back, gamers. Kate, you won, so get choosing a Year Sphere.

No wonder rats like it so much on pirate ships.

Rotten fruit, deck moppings, what's not to like?!

-Um...all the rats?

-Humph!

On to Round 2 and to find out what's up next, it's back to the Gory Grid.

It's the vicious Vikings.

And here are your all-important Viking topics.

Kate, it's your turn to pick first. What takes your fancy?

Viking Myths.

Let's see if you know this one.

Well, a complete spread of answers there. Interesting indeed.

-Let's hear the answer.

-The answer is...

Well, there we go. A point for Kate.

The dwarves were called North, South, East and West.

Hey, it's a hard job, holding up the sky.

I bet the dwarves were all grumpy! You know, like the dwarf?!

-Do you get it? Dopey...?

-Never work with animals.

Billy, your turn to pick a topic.

Warriors.

Viking warriors who worked themselves up into a foaming,

fighting frenzy before battle were called:

Is it A, B or C?

And everyone has gone for B. Let's find out what the answer is.

The answer is...B!

That's me! Arf! Arf! Arf! I'm joking. I'm fine, I'm fine.

He is crazy! A point each there, look at that!

And we get the word berserk, that we use now, from Viking berserkers.

-The Lamb knows all.

-Oi! That's my line!

-It's horrible but it's true.

-And that's my line too!

-Live with it!

-I'm going off you.

-Jeevan, your turn to pick a topic.

Can I have swords, please?

That is a prop question.

Oh, a prop question! I like props.

-Maybe I don't like the props.

-Behold, a massive sword.

-A sword.

Viking blacksmiths sometimes cooled hot swords in what?

Let's see your answers, please.

Everybody's gone for C again.

And everybody is right. They are!

We have one question left in this round. Here is your question.

What was a Viking skald?

Yum, yum, yum!

Give me your answers now. Everybody's gone for A.

The answer is B!

A skald was a Viking storyteller who'd recite long, wonderful poems.

That means, Kate, that you have won the second Year Sphere.

OK. Kate, as the quiz winner,

you're also through to play the Viking game

but will it be just you or will the others get play too? Let's find out.

-It's a single player brainy game!

-Wahey!

-So, Kate, come on.

Down to that Time Sewer with you! Go on, get down there.

There she goes. Bye!

It's time to play the:

Now, Vikings are known in history by nicknames.

One Viking king, for example, was known as Harald Finehair.

We would have been Dave the Wise and Rattus Bad Joke.

Oi! I'm just here! I can hear, you know.

I know, you were meant to.

Seven Viking names but two are made up.

You have to work out which five are real.

Choose five names and then move them to the real board.

Then touch the Viking axe - not the sharp edge, mind -

to find out how many you've got right.

Keep trying new combinations until you've got all five.

You've got to be quick. You're against the clock.

Your time starts....now!

HORN BLARES

So here goes Kate, trying to work out which are the real Viking names.

Asgot The Clumsy goes up. That's her most real one.

Kon Smelly-Feet is what she thinks is second most real.

Eric Bloodaxe. Well, that sounds right.

Sounds a convincing Viking name.

It's not a name you'd expect on a modern-day vicar.

SCREAM!

Right, four right. What are her tactics?

She going to change one at a time? There's Bloodaxe.

I think Bloodaxe might have been right. Yes.

Still got four. And what do we have...?

Ivar the Boneless, Keith Flatnose is up there. Kettle the Trout Face.

Dave, I actually know someone with a trout face.

Although she is actually a trout.

Well, this trout face has been replaced with Ivar the Boneless.

Still got four. Ivar the Boneless is off again.

Trout Face is going on! I'm beginning to question her tactics.

She seems to be swapping things back and forth willy-nilly.

A random scatter-gun approach.

Still only four right.

She's a bit disappointed she hasn't got all five.

Things being replaced and then put back without much consideration.

Now Jalla the Jellybean's up there. That's definitely wrong!

She's moved it. She only had three. Ivar the Boneless is back.

-DONG!

-30 seconds remaining.

Ah, Smelly Feet, that's right! This could be good!

You have all five right!

A sudden burst at the end. She's got all five!

Well done, Kate. Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

She was absolutely right. There was no Viking called Jalla the Jellybean

and there was no Kon known for his stinky feet.

Hey, Dave, guess which Viking gave its name to a mobile-phone device?

I don't know, Eric Big Bills? Olaf Dodgy Reception?

Nope, it was Harald Bluetooth. It's not a joke, no.

The modern-day bluetooth wireless connection is named after him.

Harold united different Viking tribes under a single king

and the bluetooth connection unites different mobiles. Rat knows all. Ha!

That was very interesting, Rattus, well done.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Awful Egyptians!

Here are your four Egyptian topics.

-Mummies!

-Billy, it's your turn to go first, so please choose a topic.

May I please go for Cleopatra?

True or false - Cleopatra was very beautiful?

The boys think that Cleopatra was ugly.

Whereas Kate thinks she was beautiful.

Let's find out what the actual answer is.

It's false. Coins with her picture show she had a huge, crooked nose

but I wouldn't recommend calling her ugly to her face.

That'll happen.

Neither would I! So, Kate,

lovely that you thought she was beautiful but she wasn't.

She was horrible. Jeevan, your turn. What's your topic?

-Can I have Mummies, please?

-That is a prop question.

-Yes!

-I like the props.

-Look at this.

-Now, that is actually a mummy's hand in a display case.

-Is it actually?

It is actually a mummy's hand. True or false,

in Victorian times an ancient Egyptian mummy's hand,

in a glass display case, was a popular ornament?

Is that true or false? So, Billy and Kate go for true.

Jeevan going for false.

The answer is that it is true! Yes.

It's a lovely gift and, of course, the mummy's hand comes pre-wrapped.

That means, Kate, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Pharaohs, please.

True or false, inside a dead pharaoh's burial chamber

you might find lots of dolls?

Well, look at that. Everyone has gone for false.

Let's hear the answer.

It's true! We believed our Shabti dolls

would magically turn into servants in the after life.

And they better do! I'm not going to pick my own bunions for eternity!

No way, Jose!

No. And why should he have to?

So everybody wrong but that means, with one question left,

Billy, if you get this, you've won.

Let's have a look at our final question.

The question is, is this true or false?

Billy goes true, Kate and Jeevan go false.

It's...false!

Well, it's false. You know, when archaeologists found his tomb

and unwrapped the mummy, the body of Ramesses was so well-preserved

that it was obvious that he'd been overweight.

And to think death is usually a sure-fire way of losing weight!

You know, cos you rot away and your little bits all fall off you and...

-Too far, Rattus.

-Yes, Dave. I'll wind my neck in.

-Please do so now.

So what we've ended up with at the end of that round

is a tie-break situation.

That means we go straight to a buzzer question.

Beginning with the letter N,

what is the name of the 4,000-mile-long river...?

BUZZER!

Kate was first in. What's the answer, Kate?

-Nile.

-Nile is the correct answer, Kate!

-Oh, well done.

You've won yourself another Year Sphere.

Oh, with so many Year Spheres, I hope it's not a Stone-Age stinker!

Absolutely! It's a fair point.

OK, Kate, you're through to play the Egyptian game

but will it be just you or is everyone coming too? Let's find out.

It's a single player scary game! I'm sorry, lads.

Kate - back into the Time Sewer. Let me open it first.

Go on, down you go. Get down there.

When pharaohs died, all sorts of weird stuff went on.

It's time to play:

Whoever mummified this pharaoh forgot to remove some organs

and you've got to fix things.

Your challenge is to remove the stomach, liver, intestines and lungs

and put them in the correct Canopic jars.

The brain needs to be yanked out of the nose and binned

but the heart must be left inside. Got that? Good!

Don't let your time run out if you want to win.

In three, two, one...

HORN BLARES

So, here comes Kate to play Mummify Me.

She has to remove the organs, put them in the jars,

but she must leave the heart inside.

She's going for the brain. I can't watch, Rattus!

Oh! The hook up the nose into the brain,

and out through the nostrils with all the pulpy brain matter.

Look at that! He must have been one brainy Pharaoh.

There go the brain, the strings of the brain.

That's gone straight into the bin as it should have done.

She's made a good start.

Now she's going in to try and remove some organs. There's something.

Look at that! Oh, Rattus.

It's the intestine, look at the length of it.

She has to wind it round her arm to get it out!

It's dribbling across from the Canopic jar to the mummy!

She's pulling it across the room, this is grisly in the extreme!

-There's the end of it.

-Thank goodness that's over.

That was making me feel queasy.

This is exactly what would have been done in the day, Rattus.

This is absolutely authentic.

Not sure it was done by a small child in safety goggles, though.

No. That is the only bit about this that is inauthentic.

She's got a liver in one hand, stomach in the other.

So, where to put the stomach? That's correct.

The liver, where does that go? She's got to find...

There it is! That's the liver, perfect. She just needs the lungs.

She's hit the mummy there, fantastic!

She's got him again. Is that the heart? I think it's a lung.

-It's the lungs!

-She's done it, she's got it all in the right place.

-Kate has done it.

-If that was me, I'd be licking my fingers.

Rattus, that is disgusting.

Welcome back, Kate. Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Did you know that some people in Egypt

could only afford a cheap version of mummification,

with no organ removal,

but you had to inject cedar oil up your behind to dissolve your guts.

That would have made a much better game! Ho-ho!

Let's do that one! Can we? Please, please, please?

No. Moving right along. Time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the measly Middle Ages.

No quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big all-play Middle Ages endgame.

And it is a messy one. Oh, yes.

Everybody, it's time to get down that sewer.

Down you go. Go on, Billy. Well done, Kate. You know the way by now.

-Jeevan, follow Kate, she knows what she's doing.

-Ha ha ha ha!

And they've gone.

A well-paid job in the Middle Ages was the job of gong farming.

Why well paid? Because it was one of the nastiest jobs around.

Yes, gong was a Middle Ages word for poop.

Your job is to collect gong from the cesspit, carry it along your lane

and slop it into a measuring cylinder.

Whoever collects the most collects the Year Sphere, but beware.

Some Middle Ages types would poo directly onto the street below.

So your lane is going to get very, very slippery indeed.

It's time for us to go...

-Get slopping!

-HORN HONKS

Lovely clean lanes, look. That won't last long.

-You're right there, Dave.

-There we go.

Straight down to the end, very good work from Kate.

Billy and Jeevan are there.

Look at the hole in the bottom of these buckets,

it'll make it very treacherous underfoot.

That's the smallest amount of gong I've ever seen farmed.

It really was a tiny amount.

And these mats become treacherous when wet, don't they, Rattus?

They certainly do, Dave. The last thing you want on here is gong.

It's going to hold the whole proceedings up.

Not much gong is making it to the measuring cylinder.

All of them struggling with the massive hole.

Look at that, it's spilt everywhere! Jeevan has got absolutely nowhere.

And here comes Kate.

There doesn't look to be much left in that bucket either.

I don't want to worry everyone, but there's more gong on the way.

-Oh, and he's over! Oh, and she's on her bottom!

-Everyone is falling.

There's gong everywhere.

And to be fair, the contestants are now covered it.

They're scooping the poop, but they're not managing to deposit it.

They're like bars of soap on an ice rink.

And finally, Jeevan's made it to the end!

I mean, that is empty, Jeevan. You might as well head back.

With the best will in the world, that is empty.

Look at the amount he's collected.

The merest smudge, if that. And I'm being kind to him

by calling it a smudge. There we go.

Look at this, compared to Jeevan, Billy is absolutely rolling in gong.

Kate's got a respectable amount of poo too.

I've never seem quite so much effort and energy being put in

to such little return.

-Oh, and there's more gong dropping now!

-Ohhh! Ho ho!

Well, as if it wasn't slippery enough.

There is now gong absolutely everywhere.

-Still dripping!

-'30 seconds remain.'

I can't see an awful lot more gong being...

As Billy just slides off the end of his ramp there.

A little bit, fair play to him,

a little bit came through at the end there.

Tremendous effort. But now he's got to get back up the other end.

I don't think it's going to happen for him.

He's got a bit of a lick on there. Careful, he will fall off the end!

Oh, dear me. She's got a mouthful!

-Oh, that's a disaster.

-Oh, no, no!

-HORN HONKS

-Now this really is sickening scenes

here at the gong farming. Jeevan, you're too late, son.

You've only got a tiny amount in there. Awful, awful.

Kate's done a lot better to be fair. But the winner,

by little more than a smear, is Billy.

Welcome back. Billy, you got the most poop in your cylinder,

so collect your Year Sphere, please. Well done, Jeevan.

-Bad luck.

-Dear BBC.

I was disgusted to find out that the so-called poo in the endgame

was in fact not real poo at all!

Did you know that gong farmers were only actually allowed to gong farm

between 9pm and 5am so as not to disgust people?

I'll never know what's disgusting about wallowing around in poop!

No. I don't suppose you ever will. Time to count up those Year Spheres.

And remember, AD years are added, and BC years are subtracted.

Jeevan, I can tell you exactly how many points you've got.

It's none, because you haven't got any Year Spheres. But, don't worry.

Because that could end up being the winning score. So hang in there.

OK, Kate, let's have a look inside those spheres.

Oh, it's 1.5 million BC!

Stone-Age man first used fire. What about the next one?

1666, the Great Fire of London. Next one, please.

1337, the beginning of the Hundred Years' War with France.

1455, the start of the War Of The Roses. And your final sphere.

Oh, no! 2532 BC.

The great Egyptian Sphinx was finished that year.

So Kate, your total score has ended up being

1,498,074...minus!

Oh, dear. Billy, let's have a look inside yours.

1914 AD. The beginning of the First World War.

And this one, for the game, what's inside the crucial sphere?

Oh, it's 776 BC, the first ever ancient Olympics.

But it's not enough to wipe out your total,

so that means that today's winner with 1138 points is Billy,

who walks away with the star prize!

Which, unfortunately, has once again been pulled out of the time sewers

by my flea-infested friend. What's the big prize, Rattus?

It's the ultimate fashion accessory.

If you happen to be an ancient Celt, that is! It's a brain ball!

Yes, the Celts would take the brain of an enemy, harden it in lime,

and attach it to their belts. Ha ha!

-Cong-RAT-ulations, Billy!

-Billy, well done.

I can only apologise for that wonderful brain

-you seem to have won.

-Thank you very much.

Right, it just remains for me to say thanks to our champion, Billy.

Thanks to our gallant runners-up, Jeevan and Kate.

-And no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

-Eh? Oh, thank you! I love you too.

-You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye!

-Goodbye!

# Was that show messy enough for you?

# Or would you have preferred a little more poo?

# Have you had your fill of blood, guts and gore?

# Or have we left you still wanting more?

# Well, keep watching

# We'll be back again

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...Games! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd