Episode 4 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory

# Games. #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games with me, Rattus Rattus,

and my sidekick, Dave Lamb.

You so know it's the other way round.

It looks like my sidekick wants a go at hosting, everybody.

Well, just this once.

Welcome to my show, Gory Games, where we test your knowledge of horrible histories

with quirky quizzes and of course, gory games.

So let's meet today's horrible historians.

-Hi, I'm Emily.

-Hi, I'm Ross.

-Hi, I'm India.

What episode of Gory Games would be complete

without one of my trademark games to get the ball rolling?

I can feel a headache coming on.

This is a Middle Ages game I like to call Fish Poolet.

It's getting worse.

When people went to the toilets in a castle, their poop would go into the moat.

The fish in the moat would eat the poop,

the people in the castle would then eat the fish, thereby eating their own poop.

-Ha-ha-ha! How funny is that?

-Not at all.

One of these five fish is straight from a pooey moat.

So Emily, Ross, India, you three have to take turns eating a fish

until someone identifies the pooey one. Ha-ha-ha!

That's not going to happen.

-Oooh!

-Watch out for the fish I dropped earlier.

It's OK. A pooey fish broke my fall.

Oh, you found it! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

I'm going to need a change of shirt. Has anyone got any headache pills? I suddenly don't feel very well.

Right. Emily, Ross, India, you're playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date and at the end of the show

your Year Sphere dates will be added up with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates being subtracted from it.

So if these were your Year Spheres, your total would be, Rattus?

Erm, now let me think. 1215 minus 480. Carry the seven, divide by 17.

-Add the number you first thought of...

-It's 735.

I was almost there!

The person with the highest year count will win today's star prize.

Which is a real corker, and I should know because I chose it.

Right, we're off, and to find out what this round's about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

Rrrrr! The Putrid Pirates it be.

And here are your four pirate topics.

Execution, Sadie the Goat, Black Beard and Toilets.

Emily, you get to pick first in this round. Pick away.

Black Beard.

'Tis I, Black Beard the pirate. Here be my question.

How many wives did I have?

A: One, B: Eight, or C: 14.

Let's see your answers now.

Interesting. Emily and Ross going for B. India on her own with C. Let's find out who's right.

The answer is C. 14. Rrrrr!

Well, if an angry pirate asks you to marry him, I guess you say yes!

You're off the mark with one point. Ross, your turn to pick a topic.

-Execution, please.

-Execution.

How was pirate, Colin Dolphin, executed?

Was he A: Fed to sharks.

B: Buried up to his neck in sand and drowned by the tide coming in.

Or C: Made to walk the plank.

Interesting. A complete spread of answers. Let's see who's right.

The answer is B.

He was buried up to his neck in sand and drowned by the tide coming in.

So next time you bury your dad in the sand, don't forget about it!

Make sure you dig him out!

-India, your turn to choose the next topic.

-Toilets.

-Toilets.

That is a question from my dear friend, Rattus Rattus.

Where did pirates go to the toilet?

Was it A: In a rope cage hanging over the side of the ship.

B: In the hull of the ship, surrounded by rats.

Or C: Through a hole in the bottom of the ship.

Again, a complete spread of answers.

Well, Rattus, what's the answer?

A. In a rope cage hanging over the side of the ship.

Us rats just went wherever. Sometimes in the stew.

Don't tell them again, Rattus.

OK. It's all square. One point apiece with one question remaining in this round.

It's a question about Sadie the Goat.

A famous pirate in the 1800s was called Sadie the Goat.

But how did she get her nickname?

A: Because she would headbutt victims and rob them.

B: Because she liked to eat cloth.

Or C: Because she wore a goat's tail for good luck.

Not agreeing on anything, these three. Let's find out what the actual answer is.

A. Sadie the Goat would headbutt victims and rob them.

Pirates' nicknames tended to be fairly obvious.

I'm Pull out your heart and eat you for supper Jack.

But seeing as we're friends, you can just call me Pull out your heart and eat you for supper.

Ha-ha-ha!

-Sorry.

-So Ross, you've won the quiz.

Time to chose your Year Sphere from the rodent propelled trolley.

Here's hoping your sphere doesn't contain a Stone Age date worth a few million minus points.

Winning the quiz means Ross is automatically through to play the Pirate Game.

But will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

It's a single player silly game.

So Ross, off you slither down the time sewer.

There he goes. Go on!

-Oh, it stinks!

-It does I'm afraid.

Urgh!

Pirate ships were always infested with nasty, thieving, disease-ridden rats.

-All right! All right!

-They were. This game is one of my favourites.

It's time to play Whack a Rat.

I do not like the sound of this one little bit.

Whack 15 rats in the time limit to win the Year Sphere. Your time starts now!

So every direct hit score and the rat body count will appear in the top left hand corner of your screen.

-This is going to be a very difficult experience for my co-commentator, Rattus Rattus.

-I'm afraid it is.

This game is sick and not in a good way.

It's not fair! The RSPCA doesn't have a rat department.

It's no good. I can't watch.

I'll take it from here, Rattus, you're all right.

So not too many rats showing themselves at the moment.

Ross is doing as best he can with that heavy club which really does inflict some damage.

There's one with an eye patch on! He's taken one right on the head!

-Stop the game! Stop the game!

-It's bash the rat not bash the commentator.

I'm afraid we've lost Rattus in the commentary box. It's just me at this point.

Oh, there's a double!

Lovely! There's another rat getting hit.

It's absolute rat carnage out here!

That one was very cheekily wiggling his nose as he came out of his hole.

He doesn't want to do that because he'll find his snout gets bashed right through his head.

That was my Great Uncle George!

-HOOTER

-It's all over.

15 rats have been given mild concussion and Ross is the champion.

Welcome back Ross. Well played. Select yourself a Year Sphere.

Your score was far from the record.

One pirate ship sailed from Europe to South America

and killed 4,000 rats on one journey.

4,000? That's more rats than I've got first cousins. Well, almost!

On to round two and to find out what's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

Four questions again and here are your four Egyptian topics.

Tutankhamun, Egyptian Gods, Burials, and Happiness.

Ross, it's your turn to pick first. What's it going to be.

Egyptian Gods, please.

Egyptian Gods. That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

True or false, the Egyptian god Bastet had a human body

but the head of a dog?

Is that true or false?

Ross and Emily going for false, India for true. Rattus, what's the answer?

It's false. She actually had the head of a cat.

RATTUS SPITS

She was the god of cats. Boo!

It was Anubis, the god of the dead, who had the head of a dog.

So hopefully, he chased Bastet all around the place.

-That would be brilliant!

-And our apologies to any cats who might be watching.

RATTUS SPITS

-So India, your turn to choose a topic.

-Burials, please.

-Let's hear your question.

-Is this true or false?

Burial chambers contained a toilet for the dead pharaoh?

Emily and Ross agreeing on true. India going for false. Let's hear who's right.

I can tell you the answer is true.

I suppose mummies were wrapped in toilet paper!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Thanks, Rattus.

-You're funny.

-Thank you.

So Emily and Ross with two points. India yet to score.

But two questions left so you can catch up in this round.

-Emily, your turn to choose a topic.

-Tutankhamun, please.

-Tutankhamun.

True or false.

When Tutankhamun died, his widow, Mrs Tutankhamun, married his uncle.

Is that true or false?

Well, India and Ross going for true.

Emily on her own with false. Let's find out.

It's true and worse still, Tutankhamun's uncle was also Mrs Tutankhamun's grandfather.

Yes, he married his granddaughter. It's true.

My sister/cousin/wife told me.

Now, that's a happy family!

One question to go this round. Ross, you have three points so if you were to get this question right,

you would automatically win the Year Sphere.

The final category is Happiness.

True or false.

Bes was the Egyptian god of happiness and his wife was a monkey.

Emily and India going for true. Ross on his own with false.

What's the answer?

It's false. Of course it is.

Don't be ridiculous. His wife was a hippo.

I once said to my wife, "I'm so happy, I feel like the god of happiness."

She said to me, "Are you calling me a hippo?" You can't win, can you?!

Ross, that was remarkable. You have just won the round with a maximum score of four points.

You've won another Year Sphere. Choose away.

Let's just hope your Year Sphere doesn't contain Dave's birth date.

That's well Stone Age! Worth a few million minus bonus points!

-Yes.

-Sorry.

-Winning the quiz means that Ross is automatically through to play the Egyptian Game.

But will he be alone or will everyone get to play? Let's find out.

It's an All Play brainy game

so the lot of you, get down that time sewer.

Go on, India, it's not too stinky. In you go.

Ross, you know the way by now.

It's thought that it took 25,000 men five years

to build each of the great pyramids.

Let's hope they're a bit quicker than that! It's time to play Pyramid Puzzle.

Your challenge is to work out which block goes where. First to finish wins the Year Sphere.

Ready, steady, get building! There they go.

There they go. A nice cagey opening.

There's India wrestling with what looks to be an enormous piece of pyramid.

Look at that. Ross seems to have two bits on his base plinth already.

Whether they're the right bits remains to be seen.

I think that's the technique for this game,

is to get several pieces on the base board early on

and shunt them around until they fit.

It's a very interesting theory, Rattus.

It also brings all the pieces near to you. It can save time in the long run.

There's Emily, thinking very hard.

Hello! Ross has given up. No, he's just cleared the base to start again.

That's a big piece. That's a good idea. The bigger pieces would seem to be better at the bottom.

There. Well, it looks as if we have the first layer complete from India.

That's fantastic!

I notice a situation developing here.

The pyramid seems to be being erected slightly skewiff.

It won't count against her but look at that. There it is.

It's not square on its plinth.

That's certainly a can't pyramid, Dave.

I must just say that the BBC,

all the anti-cat views aired by my colleague are not held by the BBC.

Those views are his and his alone.

-No. Can't. Can't.

-I'm sorry, I've completely misheard you there.

-I've been to the pyramids, you know.

-Have you?

Yes. Well, the Pyramids Leisure Centre in Bracknell.

While you're talking about leisure centres, Ross has finished the first layer of his pyramid.

India may have to hurry a bit now because she's got competition.

Ross is hard on her heels.

Yes. India looked as if she was going to rush into the lead, but Ross has caught up.

That's absolutely crucial. India has nailed that level of the pyramid.

She's only got three bits left to fit in.

Emily. Let's say she's comfortably third. Good enough for a bronze in the Olympics.

But hang on! There's the penultimate piece into place.

Here it comes, the top of the pyramid.

India's got it! India's got the top!

India has done it, Rattus.

India has built a pyramid.

India, collect a Year Sphere.

The Great Pyramid of Giza is one of the so-called Seven Wonders of the Ancient World

and the only one that's still relatively intact today.

To a rat, the Seven Wonders are all skips behind supermarkets!

Yes, I'm sure they are. You all did fantastically well.

India, you've now got a Year Sphere. Ross, you've got three. Emily yet to score, but there's plenty of time.

Right, over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

Here are your four Victorian topics.

Schools, Victorian Firsts, Gadgets, and Inventions.

India, it's your turn to pick a topic first.

-Inventions, please.

-Inventions is a question from Rattus Rattus.

It is. Which of these was not a Victorian invention?

Was it A: Trains.

B: Cars.

Or C: Teddy Bears.

Ross and Emily agreeing on C. India on her own with A.

Rattus, What's the answer?

The answer is C, Teddy Bears,

which were invented the year after Victoria died.

-Just one year later?

-History can be cruel, Dave.

-History can be cruel.

-Awful.

-Emily, your turn to choose a topic.

-Schools, please.

-Schools.

Let's hear what that question is.

In Victorian schools, missing church was punished by what?

Was it A: Detention.

B: Beating with a strap.

Or C: Having to copy out the Bible.

Show me your letters now.

Everyone agreeing on B. Let's find out if you're all right.

The answer is B.

School children were beaten with a strap and I was too.

I'll never miss church again, I tell you that.

Ross, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Gadgets, please.

-Gadgets.

Pop Question. Pop Question. Pop Question. Pop Question.

This is a genuine Victorian contraption,

but what was this invention for?

Was it A: For making people look at a camera.

B: For scaring cats.

Or C: For storing the remains of a dead pet.

Let's see your answers now please.

Emily and Ross going for A. India going for C.

The answer is A. It was a device for making people look at early Victorian cameras.

Hence the phrase, "Watch the birdie." One more question remaining

and it's on Victorian Firsts.

In 1875, the first what opened in London?

Was it A: Roller Skating rink.

B: Ice skating rink.

Or C: A public toilet.

Total agreement once again. Everyone's going for C.

Let's find out if you're all right.

The answer is A.

The first roller skating rink was opened.

I can tell you, there were a few bruised bottoms that night!

Ha-ha-ha!

What?

He said "bottom"!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

So that means that we have a tie between Emily and Ross. India, for now, you're history.

The other two of you, fingers on buzzers because we have the tiebreaker question.

Beginning with the letter N, what is the surname of the famous nurse

who helped soldiers in the Crimean War...

-BUZZER

-That's Emily.

-Nightingale.

It's Florence Nightingale. You're absolutely right.

That means you've won your first Year Sphere. Collect it please.

Emily, you're through to play the Victorian Game.

But will you play alone or will everyone get to play? Let's have a look now.

It's a Single Player brainy game.

-Emily, have you got your brain in?

-Yes.

-In that case, down that time sewer with you.

Bye!

Brunel was a genius.

He designed railways, steam ships and giant steel bridges.

But even geniuses have their off-days,

which is why in 1843, whilst performing a magic trick,

he got a coin lodged in his own throat.

-RATTUS COUGHS

-A bit like that!

Yes. I was wondering where my change had gone.

He eventually managed to dislodge it using a clever device.

It's time to play Barmy Brunel.

Your challenge is work out which cog goes where.

Once they're all in the right place, you can turn the wheel

and flip Brunel upside down to dislodge the coin and win your Year Sphere.

But be quick. You're against the clock, which is starting to tick now.

She's off and what she has to do here is find the correct cogs

to make the mechanism work and tip Barmy Brunel backwards

so that the coin comes out of his gullet.

That's absolutely right, Dave. Absolutely right.

This is a far trickier game than it first appears.

She's actually taking this very slowly which can often be a good thing.

But sometimes, it can be a very bad thing.

But I like the look of this one.

She's got to get a big cog in there in that first position

and this looks as if it'll do the job.

It certainly does, Dave.

It has done the job. Lovely! That's the first one in place.

So a good start. A very good start from Emily.

Now she's looking for the second piece of the cog jigsaw.

What she needs is a fairly small one because the proximity of that spike

to the main cog means that we can only fit a little cog in that gap

and that is not going to fit.

I would stake my reputation as a commentator on that and it hasn't fitted.

You don't have a reputation as a commentator.

That's why I was prepared to stake it.

Once she's fixed it, can we put Dave in it?! Just for a laugh.

-Just for a laugh.

-I don't find that funny.

That's too big. That's too big.

What she needs is one of the smaller cogs in that position.

I can't understand why she doesn't leave the cogs on the floor.

-There we go! That's the perfect one.

-She put it back!

That was the perfect cog and she walked away from it again.

I'm afraid that's just too big. Less than 30 seconds to go.

It doesn't look good. She experimentedwith the right cog

and now she's going through all the wrong ones again.

Time's running out for Emily. There's a grim inevitability about the conclusion here.

That's a little cog. That's too tiny.

That cog is too small. It's not going to happen for her, I don't think.

But at least she's got that cog in place.

I'm sure it's going to be a cold consolation when Emily realises that her Year Sphere has gone begging.

Welcome back, Emily. Bad luck. Bad luck. No Year Sphere this time.

Brunel and his father designed and built the first ever tunnel

to pass under a river anywhere in the world.

It was beneath the River Thames in London and even though it first opened nearly 170 years ago,

it's still in use today as a railway tunnel.

-I never take the train.

-Because it's healthier to walk?

-I'm a rat. If I get on a train, people scream.

-Sorry, I forgot about that.

Time for the final round now.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to see who we've got.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

No quirky quiz in our final round. It's straight to play our All Play Tudor End Game.

And it is a silly one.

Everybody get down that time sewer.

In you go, go on.

It's just a bit of a bad stink. Nothing to be afraid of.

You know the way now, Emily.

Urgh!

Oh!

It's time to play Who Ate All The Pies?

I'm sure you never noticed,

but in his later life, Henry VIII got a bit fat.

It certainly crept up on me.

I looked down one day and boom, couldn't see my feet.

Well, that was largely because old Henry was rather keen on pies.

Did someone say pies?

Let's go over and play Who Ate All The Pies?

You have to fetch pies and lob them into Henry's mouth

and to help you in no way whatsoever, we've attached you to bungee cords.

The person who gets the most pies in their Henry's mouth in the time limit gets the Year Sphere.

Get ready, because it's pie time.

Here we go with Who Ate All The Pies.

That first round of pies going absolutely nowhere.

-But it's early days.

-It certainly is early days, Dave.

They seem to be enjoying themselves even though they're not very good.

Having said that, that is a point for India.

It's all in the wrist action on this game

and pointing and aiming and aiming and pointing.

They don't seem to be aiming very well at the moment.

That's an interesting shot from Ross.

-He sort of jumps up and throws it over.

-There's Emily poised there. To go backwards!

Whoa! That's a ping back and a half. Look at that!

India has actually dropped her pie but she's picked it up

and hoiked it forward and it's gone nowhere.

-Good to see the pieman, isn't it?

-Nice to see the pieman.

He's a very generous pieman. He gives his pies away.

-And he charges very little.

-Nothing at all I believe.

We're lucky to get this fellow. You don't see many Tudor piemen around these days.

But this one is very committed. He lives his whole life dressed like that and who are we to judge?

There we go! What a lovely shot from Emily.

She takes herself into a two way tie for the lead.

So Emily and India with one apiece. Ross, nothing as yet.

That was an underarm from India. Interesting technique, the underarm.

Very rarely finds its mark. Ross is going for it as well.

We're running short of time

and I sense an added desperation in some of this flinging.

Particularly that bit of flinging! That was extraordinary.

Emily scores! That could be absolutely crucial. She's gone into a very late lead.

Was that the pie that won her the game?

-Don't chuck them all! Dave promised me the leftovers.

-I did.

There are seconds remaining. I think Emily might have this.

There's a last chance and that's gone way over Henry's head.

-It's all over here and Emily has won the round.

-Brilliant!

Gory Gamers, return to your podiums please.

Fantastic. How did you feel it went?

Very frustrating but very fun.

-Good. And Emily?

-I kept going flat on my face.

And you were pinging back very fast.

Emily, come and collect yourself the final Year Sphere.

-Wonderful.

-Are we almost done because someone's going to have to clean up those pies

and that someone is me! Yummy!

Honestly, where do you put all the food you eat?

Ultimately, it all ends up in the sewer. You see, what happens...

We know how it all works.

OK, time to count up those Year Spheres and remember,

AD years are added to your total and BC years are subtracted.

So even thought you've got different numbers of spheres, anyone can still win at this stage.

Emily, let's see your first sphere.

1901 AD. The death of Queen Victoria.

Let's have a look at the second one.

1536 AD. The year Anne Boleyn was executed.

That gives you a total of 3,437. A very good score.

Ross, let's see what you've got.

1666 AD. The Great Fire of London.

399 BC. Greek philosopher Socrateswas executed that year.

Let's have a look at the third one.

1805 AD. The Battle of Trafalgar.

That gives you a total of 3,072. So you're just shy of Emily.

India, it's all down to you. Let's have a look at that last sphere.

It's 30 BC. The death of Queen Cleopatra.

That means today's winner with 3,437 points is Emily,

who goes home with our star prize.

I'd just like to say that today's prize really is amazing.

Unfortunately, I can't because once again, it's some old tat

plucked out of the time sewer by my filthy friend here.

-What is the prize, Rattus?

-It's a Celtic prize

and it once belonged to the enemy of a Celtic warrior.

It's a severed head preserved with cedar oil.

Perfect for decorating your front door.

You're not seriously suggesting that Emily sticks that on her front door, are you?

It worked for the Celts. They loved to show them off.

Yes, but hang a severed head from your door nowadays,

and pretty quickly your friends are going to stop coming round.

But so will salesmen, that nosy neighbour and all those annoying relatives at Christmas.

Emily, I really am sorry. Try not to look at it too much, particularly before you go to sleep!

It just remains for me to say thanks to our winner, Emily,

thanks to our gallant runners-up, Ross and India,

and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

My absolute pleasure.

-You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

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