Episode 5 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# ..Games! #

Hello. Welcome to Horrible Histories Gory Games with him,

Rattus Rattus and me, Dave Lamb.

This is the show where...

-Shouldn't you be Larry Lamb?

-Sorry?

Well, it's Horrible Histories Gory Games, Rattus Rattus,

Larry Lamb.

Dave, it's Dave Lamb!

Or Mr Lamb, if you like.

All right, keep your wool on...Larry Lamb.

This is the show where we test your knowledge of Horrible Histories

with quirky quizzes and Gory Games,

so without further interruption from the rat,

let's meet our Horrible Historians.

Hello, I'm Joel!

Hiya, I'm Holly!

Howdy, I'm Ayanda!

-Excellent.

-Dave!

-What?

-Can we play a warm-up game that I've devised?

-No.

It's from the Victorian era and it's called Tosh For Dosh.

Have you run any of this past our bosses at CBBC?

Course not! They might have said no!

-Let's have the buckets.

-Hang on.

What are you up to?

-It's just history, Larry.

-It's Dave!

All right. In 1865, Joseph Bazalgette built his famous London sewers,

or as we know them, Rat City!

Poor Victorians would descend into the sewers

and go toshing,

wading through the poo to look for dropped coins.

All you lot have to do

is find the five shilling coins I've hidden in your bucket of poop.

-And your time starts...

-No, no, no. No way.

We are not having people wading through excrement on my show.

Someone will have to. I dropped your car keys in one of the buckets.

-JOEL LAUGHS

-Oh, brilliant.

Thanks, Rattus. That's just wonderful(!)

-Which one was it?

-I think it might be the middle bucket.

It MIGHT be the middle bucket? Brilliant.

-SQUELCH!

-Oh, for heaven's sake!

Can I get some towels, please?

-Towels for Larry, please.

-It's Dave!

# Gory Games! #

Can I just say that it's NEVER a good idea

to put your hand in poo.

Oh! Good night!

Joel, Holly and Ayanda, you're playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date.

At the end of the show, your dates will be added up,

with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates subtracted from it.

So if these were your Year Spheres, your total would be...

Rattus? Sorry, Rattus. Your total would be, Rattus?

That was warm and smelly. I liked it under there!

My heart says 4, but my head says 12.

It's 735.

Typical! That's what my elbow said and I just didn't listen to it.

At the end of the show,

the person with the highest score will win a special historical prize

picked out by my furry friend.

Something that will truly make your friends jealous.

Providing your friends are sewer-dwelling rodents.

-Well, I know mine are.

-Yes.

Right, let's get going. To find out what this round's about,

over to the gory grid.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

Your four Middle Ages topics are...

Joel, you pick first in this round.

I think I'll pick Knights.

That is a question from my dear friend Rattus Rattus.

True or false?

In 1291, some knights tried to storm the city of Acre.

They approached at night, but their surprise attack went wrong

when one of the knights stepped on a cat,

which woke up the defenders.

Is that true or is that false?

Let's see your answers now, please.

Joel and Holly have agreed with true.

Ayanda has gone for false. Rattus,

put us out of our misery. What's the answer?

-False!

-Yes!

It all went wrong when one of the knights

fell head first into a toilet ditch. Ha-ha-ha!

He made such a racket he woke up all the defenders.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Oh, I'll shut up.

-Holly, it's your turn to pick next.

-Cures, please.

-Cures.

True or false - one Middle Ages cure for the Black Death

involved shaving a live chicken's bottom

and strapping it to your armpit?

Very good. Holly and Joel agreeing again.

Ayanda out on his own with false. Let's see what the answer is.

It's true!

-And it sure worked for me!

-SHE COUGHS

THUMP!

Or maybe not.

Ayanda, your turn to pick a topic. All square at the moment.

Fashion.

True or false -

in the 1400s it became fashionable for women to wear tall, pointy hats

called steeples.

The monk, Thomas Conecte, said all women should wear them.

Let's have a look at those answers.

Once again, Holly and Joel are agreeing.

They've gone for false.

Ayanda's gone with true. Let's see who's right.

It's false.

He said, "They're a sign of the deadly sin of pride.

"Burn them and wear humble peasant caps instead."

Well, there we are. There's one question left in this round.

Everybody can still feasibly win.

The question is on Burps.

True or false - it was considered acceptable in the Middle Ages

to burp at the dinner table?

Everybody has gone for true.

It's a clean sweep.

Are you all right or are you all wrong?

It's true. You could burp at the table,

as it was a sign of enjoying the meal.

BURP!

This, however, is not the Middle Ages.

BURP! Sorry.

-Oh, dear.

-RATTUS BREAKS WIND

That's even worse.

OK, that's the end of that round and I can see from

the abacus scoreboard in front of me

that Joel and Holly have tied on three.

Ayanda, you're not in the buzzer round.

You're history just for now, but don't panic. Plenty of time.

You two, fingers on buzzers. We're going to the tiebreak question.

Beginning with the letter M,

what is the name for the broad ditch filled with water

that surrounds a castle? Holly.

A moat?

It is a moat. Congratulations, you get to pick a Year Sphere.

Like a hook-handed pirate clearing his bogies, please do it carefully.

Good choice, bad choice? Who knows?

Excuse I! Push, push, push, push.

These could contain a Stone Age date worth millions of minus points.

Winning the quiz means Holly

is through to play the Middle Ages game,

but will she be alone or will everyone else get to play?

It's an All Play Gory Game!

Off down the time sewer with the lot of you.

-Yes!

-Lead on, Ayanda.

William The Conqueror was a very unpleasant man

and his funeral was an appropriately unpleasant occasion.

Servants stole his treasure and the church burned down.

It's time to play...

You are William's servants and your challenge is to take his treasure

and put it in your chest.

The treasure is colour-coded and you must only take your own colour.

Whoever collects the most pieces wins the Year Sphere

and you'd better be quick because the church is burning down!

-Your time starts now.

-BUZZ!

Here we go then, with Yuckaroo.

They're looting a tomb and someone is going to explode.

It's Holly who opens her account with a little goblet there,

a little goblet stolen from William The Conqueror.

Joel straight back at her with a candlestick of his own,

but Holly has a plate.

2-1. Nothing for Ayanda as yet.

Look at this, Joel is levelling it up.

Two apiece. They're showing themselves

to be very good at stealing, these two!

Superb effort. Ayanda yet to score.

Ho-ho, look out! Holly's got herself a candlestick.

She's back in the lead. Readjusts her glasses there, sensibly.

The reason she's wearing those is because

someone is about to explode.

And Ayanda's off the mark, which is lovely.

There goes Sir William The Conqueror!

He's exploded everywhere and Joel felt the full force

of those intestines as they rained down on his head

while he tried to steal a trinket. What a massive explosion!

-It really went up, didn't it, Rattus?

-It certainly did.

There are guts, gore and innards everywhere!

That was quite extraordinary, but back now to the theft,

which is the main part of this game.

I think Ayanda, maybe, has been stealing treasure

that's not colour-coded for him. I'm concerned that I can see green

in his chest, there.

I shouldn't be able to see green in his chest.

-I should be able to see yellow, and yellow alone, Rattus.

-It's...

Look out! I'm sorry to cut in, but the building's on fire!

They have to get out quick! The fire's taking hold!

Someone get those kids out of there

-before the building burns down!

-BUZZ

It's ended up with an absolute dead heat between Holly and Joel.

Joel, you are very, very fast!

-Thank you.

-Like a rat up a drainpipe.

-You'd know about that, Rattus.

-Being one, yes.

-Ayanda, you were

only supposed to get the yellow treasure.

You managed to get green and brown!

-Yeah.

-Well, I can tell you,

because of his generosity,

Ayanda only managed one piece of his own colour,

but the other two of you tied with five pieces each!

So, Joel, help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Holly, help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Lovely.

Onwards, and to find out what's up next,

it's over to the gory grid.

It's the Rotten Romans.

Here are your all-important Roman topics.

Holly, your turn to pick first this time.

Sport, please.

Here comes your question, ready or not.

Is it A, is it B, or is it C?

Well, there we go.

The boys agreeing on B, Holly going for C.

The answer is...

C - 250,000 people!

So that's a point for Holly.

Let's put that into perspective.

That is almost three times the size of Wembley Stadium.

-Or about the size of my immediate family.

-Yes.

-Nightmare at Christmas!

-It must be.

Holly, you have taken the lead in this round.

Ayanda, your turn to pick a topic.

-Roman Life.

-Oh, goodie!

This is a prop question.

RATTUS LAUGHS

I know what this is!

What was this sponge on a stick used for?

A - cleaning windows, B - cleaning gladiator armour

or C - wiping bottoms? Let's see your answers now.

Well, there wasn't much doubt there.

They were grinning the moment the prop came out.

They're absolutely right.

It was for wiping bottoms.

Ha-ha-ha! Can't hold it any longer!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-He just loves bottoms!

Can't help himself.

Let me award your points. There you go.

Joel, pick a topic.

I think I'll pick food.

Which of these could you buy as a snack at the Roman Colosseum?

A- boiled kittens,

B - spiced budgies,

or C - roast dormice?

There we go. Holly and Ayanda going for C.

Joel out on his own with B.

Let's hear what the answer is.

C - roast dormice.

They're best if fed on walnuts, acorns and chestnuts.

Mmm, nutty!

There we go, points for Holly and Ayanda.

One topic left in this round, a question about Caesar.

After a war in Turkey, Julius Caesar famously said,

"Veni, Vidi, Vici,"

but what does the Latin mean?

A - I came, I saw, I conquered,

B - I came, I saw, I got a cold,

or C - I came, I saw, I killed?

Let's see what you've got. Interesting.

Joel and Holly going for B,

Ayanda going for A. Let's hear what the answer is.

A - I came, I saw, I conquered.

Oh, Caesar was such a hero!

Shame about his huge nose.

-That's harsh!

-Isn't it harsh? Very harsh.

Joel, I'm afraid for now you're history, but Holly and Ayanda,

you've tied on three, so we go to the buzzer question.

Here it comes. With the initials JC,

which famous Roman leader defeated the Gauls, invaded Britain

and was murdered in Rome?

-Holly.

-Julius Caesar?

Julius Caesar is the right answer. Well done!

You've won another Year Sphere. Please go and collect it.

As the quiz winner, you are through to play our Roman game,

but will you be playing on your own or will everybody join in?

It's an All Play Gory Game! It's off down the time sewer

-with the lot of you!

-Down the stinkhole! Yeah!

When Romans wanted to conquer an enemy city,

there were virtually no lengths they wouldn't go to.

It's time to play...

Romans would use catapults to fire all sorts of awful things,

such as heavy rocks, hives of stinging bees

and even the severed heads of dead enemies.

Your challenge is to fire as many missiles

into your fortress target as possible.

The person who gets the most in the time limit wins the Year Sphere.

So, catapults at the ready! In three, two, one!

-HOOTER BLARES

-Here we go with Savage Siege.

And in this our contestants have to catapult a number

of different objects towards a basket.

We see Joel has nailed one right from the off.

I think interestingly he's swapped straight to a beehive.

He should have stuck with heads, they were working.

But beehives are working for Holly all right

as she levels it up with Joel.

That's superb. What an excellent start!

Oh, she's in the lead! A head there from Holly puts her into the lead.

Ayanda also off the mark now. So that's good, they're all...

They're all scoring, which is what we like to see.

And in fact they're all level now. So, this is tight.

Look at the concentration on Ayanda's face there,

as he lets loose another stone.

Doesn't hit its target. Two apiece. Level pegging.

I used to know some of those rocks that Ayanda's shooting there.

Some of them were shy, but now they're a little BOULDER.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Little BOULDER! Carry on with the narrating.

Joel's back in it now. He gets his third point.

Well, this is tremendous stuff.

They really are getting the hang of this very nicely.

And it's very, very close.

Holly now, crucially with 30 seconds remaining,

nails herself another head.

But Ayanda takes the lead again, three, four, five, there it is!

Holly's back at him! This is nip and tuck! It's incredibly close.

Holly's now in the...

Oh, they've both scored within a millisecond of each other there!

Six points apiece. Incredibly close. That one goes way over the top

and Ayanda scores. Could that be crucial? Could that be crucial?

Joel now thinking about mounting a comeback.

-HOOTER BLARES

-Ayanda scores another one!

Just on the hooter! And he takes it eight, six, five.

And the winner of the catapult challenge, with eight points,

-was Ayanda.

-Yeah!

-And doesn't he like that!

Ayanda, help yourself to a Year Sphere. Well done.

The most powerful Roman catapult was called an onager,

which is Latin for wild donkey.

Because it kicked like a donkey, hard enough to knock down walls.

-I was once kicked by a wild donkey.

-In the head by any chance?

-How did you know?

-Lucky guess.

-Tuh!

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

Here are your four Tudor topics.

Ayanda, it's your turn to choose first this time.

Henry.

What did I found in 1534 that is still going today?

Is that A, B or C? Show me now.

Absolute agreement. Everyone's gone for B.

Are they right or wrong?

The answer is B.

I founded the Church of England.

Basically, it was all about getting rid of one wife

so I could marry the next. Story of my life really. Ha-ha!

Very well played, you three. Everyone got a point there.

-Joel, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Football.

-Prop question.

-Prop question! Prop question!

This is a Tudor football made out of a pig's bladder.

How many players were on a Tudor football team?

Let's see your answer, please.

Everybody's gone for C. I can tell you, you're right,

the villages would compete against each other.

There was no referee, and lots of people got injured. Two points each.

-Two questions remaining. Holly, your turn to pick a topic.

-Marriage.

See what you make of this one.

How did Tudor women show they were unmarried?

A - they stuck signs saying "Unmarried" to their foreheads.

B - they didn't wear bonnets.

Or C - they wore aprons.

Let's see those answers now, please. Well, Joel and Ayanda going for C.

Holly going for B.

Let's find out what the answer is.

B. To show they were unmarried, Tudor women didn't wear bonnets.

Well done, Holly. That means if you get this next question right,

you will have won yourself another Year Sphere.

But if she were to get it wrong, you boys could tie this round up.

The final question is on punishments.

What was the Tudor punishment for poisoning someone?

A - being crushed under a stone.

B - being poisoned.

Or C - being boiled alive.

Well done, OK. So Holly and Ayanda going for B, Joel for C.

The answer is C.

The Tudor punishment for poisoning someone was to be boiled alive.

Way too soft if you ask me.

So, at the end of that round, Joel and Holly are all square.

Ayanda, you have to sit this out. We're going to a buzzer question.

Fingers on buzzers, Joel and Holly.

With the initials AB,

who was Henry VIII's second wife who had her head chopped...

Pppprrrtttt!

-Holly.

-Anne Boleyn.

-Anne Boleyn is right.

Holly, you've won yourself another Year Sphere. Collect it now, please.

OK, Holly, you're through to play the Tudor game.

Will it be an all-play or will it be a single-play game? Let's find out.

It's an all-play brainy game. What a lot of all-play games we're having!

Get down that Time Sewer, the lot of you.

Elizabeth I liked to look good in her portraits,

which meant her portraits looked nothing like her.

Poisonous, lead-based make-up had ruined Elizabeth's skin,

so she preferred to have portraits of her younger self copied,

rather than have artists paint how she really looked.

It's time to play...

Puzzling Portraits.

Your challenge is to make two perfect copies

of an Elizabeth portrait.

But your two puzzles are made out of differently shaped pieces.

Complete your puzzles quicker than the others

to win the Year Sphere.

-In three, two, one.

-HOOTER BLARES

Here we go with Puzzling Portraits. Two identical portraits

of Queen Elizabeth I, but with different-sized pieces.

So two jigsaws at once effectively.

Ayanda seems to be progressing nicely with his right-hand portrait.

The trick to this game is to graft on an extra pair of hands

to your body before the game, so that you have a better chance.

Interesting tactics, Rattus. Completely useless obviously.

But interesting nonetheless.

Dave, you're probably the only person old enough to have lived in Britain

during the reigns of both Queen Elizabeths, which one was the best?

I'm not dignifying that with a response.

It was the second one. Back to the game now, though!

And Joel, look at him, going very nicely.

Two portraits in operation at once.

Ayanda, having finished his first, now working on his second.

I don't know what's happened to Holly. She's a long way behind.

It's between the boys now as we watch this clash of styles.

This battle between two techniques. The double-handed version from Joel,

the single-single approach from Ayanda.

It's going to be incredibly close! They've got two pieces left apiece!

Joel's going to be there first! He's done it. He just beats Ayanda to it.

Holly, stop that.

Welcome back. That was so close. Joel, take a Year Sphere.

Do you know why you never see Elizabeth smiling in a portrait?

-Because she had rotten teeth?

-Precisely!

Strange, because she cleaned her teeth regularly with sugar.

-Urgh!

-Sugar toothpaste? That's a little counter-productive.

-It'll be like using mud as soap.

-What's wrong with that?

OK. Time for the final round.

It's over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out who we've got.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day!

No quirky quiz in our final round, straight to our big all-play game.

And what a scary one we've got for you.

-Everyone, get down that Time Sewer once again.

-Let's go!

-Let's do it.

-Aaargh!

-Geronimo!

When Queen Victoria was no more than a child,

the monstrous crime of grave-robbing was quite common.

Dead bodies were sold to surgeons, keen to experiment on them.

It's time to play...

You are a rotten robber. Your challenge -

to steal three bodies from the graveyard,

get them through the railings, onto the carts,

find the key to the cemetery gate, and get them to the surgeon's table.

-If you hear this noise...

-WHISTLE BLOWS

..then you must hide in the cemetery so the policeman doesn't spot you.

A second whistle means you can go.

The first person to get all their bodies to the surgeon's table

and grab their dodgy money is the winner. In three, two, one...

HOOTER BLARES

Through the metal railings to start. Grab that body. Oh, the indignity!

Look at these bodies being wrestled through the railings.

Thrown down on their trolleys.

-Some of these dead bodies look in terrible shape.

-Extremely.

That is the fate of a dead body, to deteriorate over time

-and look worse with every passing moment.

-You're absolutely right.

Holly has stolen a key from her dead body and is opening the gates.

She's successful,

and plops her first corpse onto the surgeon's table!

Joel seconds behind her. This is very close.

Ayanda falling behind the other two, but there's still time to catch up.

Holly onto her second as Ayanda delivers his first.

She yanked that through! Grabbed it by the ankle and yanked it.

-Unceremoniously yanked!

-It was awful.

It is awful, really, what's happening here.

Grave are being robbed by children! That's excellent stuff.

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-Holly is unnervingly good at this.

The policeman's here, so they've gone into hiding.

Here comes the policeman, having a good look round.

If he were to spot them, they would be in deep, deep trouble.

-And what a big hat he's got.

-He's a very serious-looking individual.

Then he is a policeman. He's gone. Whoever he was, he's gone.

They can come back out and keep stealing bodies.

That's exactly what Joel and Ayanda are doing. A body apiece.

Joel's doing very well, right up the far end. There's Holly.

Look at that, there's the second body delivered.

Holly's in the lead, she's really yanked that one through by one leg.

They manipulate the bodies into extraordinary shapes!

-I'd pay good money to a chiropractor for that.

-I'm sure you would, Rattus.

In fact, you have on many occasions.

Here comes Holly, this is her final body! She's there!

She's picked up the dodgy money. Just get through the railings now...

She's won it! That money can be spent however she likes.

Probably on a good solicitor, Dave.

Well done, everyone. Holly, pick yourself up your final Year Sphere.

Tremendous performance, really excellent.

It's time to count up those Year Spheres.

Remember, the AD dates are added to your total,

and the BC dates are subtracted from it.

The fact that you don't have the most spheres

doesn't mean you're not going to win.

Joel, open up that first Year Sphere.

Oh, dear me. 9,000 BC.

Stone-age man started using bow and arrow around about then.

That's not what you were hoping for. The other one...

-Please do not be a BC!

-Oh!

-Oh, come on!

-3,150 BC,

the start of Ancient Egypt.

You've ended up with a score of minus 12,150. Bad luck, Joel.

Holly, let's see how you're getting on.

64 AD.

That was the year Rome burned down.

1492 AD.

Christopher Columbus discovered the new world.

793 AD, Vikings attack the Lindisfarne monastery.

1665 AD, the plague! Let's have a look at the last one.

-1871 AD!

-Oh, come on!

The year that bank holidays were invented.

Holly, you have a tremendous score of 5,885.

Ayanda. It's slightly forlorn, the hope here.

And you got 264 BC.

That, of course, was the first Roman Gladiator games.

But it does mean that today's winner,

with 5,885 points is Holly, who wins the star prize.

What's the big prize then, Rattus?

Today's prize is a real treat to behold.

In fact, it's been HOLED already! Ha ha ha!

Yes, all the way from the Stone Age,

it's your very own trepanned skull.

It's had a hole knocked in the side to release the evil spirits.

-Those cavemen, eh? Ha ha!

-Well done, Rattus. The head of a dead man.

-Yet another terrible prize.

-I thought you'd like it. After all,

-you have a photo of an ancient skull in your dressing room.

-That's me.

LAUGHTER Whoops!

Just remains for me to say thanks to our champion Holly,

to our gallant runners-up Joel and Ayanda.

-Yeah!

-And no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

-My pleasure.

This has been Gory Games. Goodbye.

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