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# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing
# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king
# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo
# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you
# Still watching? Then let's test your brains
# With Horrible Histories Gory Games
# With Horrible Histories Gory...
# Games! #
The important thing is that when we start the show, you're ready to go.
Hello and welcome to Gory Games
with me, Dave Lamb, and my assistant Rattus Rattus.
And my assistant Marcus the Flea. Ow!
No biting, Marcus. We're on television.
You get to test your knowledge of Horrible Histories.
With quirky quiz questions.
Come on, Marcus. This is your line.
-Oh, my flea's gone all shy. Ha-ha!
Oh, Marcus, we're on TV!
And Gory Games. Without further ado, let's meet our horrible historians.
-Hi, I'm Dionne.
-Hi, I'm Melissa.
-Hi, I'm Lloyd.
-Welcome on board, Lloyd.
OK, we'll kick off the show with a warm-up game of my own invention.
-A little Victorian game I like to call Gone Fishing.
That sounds OK. What are we after? Trout, perch, a bit of salmon?
-Tapeworm. Of course.
Victorian inventor Dr Myers came up
with the remarkable little tapeworm trap.
Inside the metal container is some bait. Ha-ha!
I like to use rotten meat, but fresh meat will do.
Hand them out to the contestants, will you, Dave?
Guys, dangle the trap down my throat
and the tapeworm will go for the bait and get caught!
The first person to catch Terry my tapeworm wins.
Here they come, Terry, ready or not! Ahhhhhh!
No, I'm sorry, I can't do that.
We won't have tapeworm extractions on my show.
That's probably not such a bad thing.
-Some people choke to death on the tapeworm trap.
-And you'd risk that?
-No, I knew you'd call it all off.
-Predictable to a fault, I am.
Right, Dionne, Melissa and Lloyd, you are playing to win Year Spheres.
Each Year Sphere contains a date.
At the end of the show, your sphere dates will be added up
with AD dates being ADDED to your total
and BC dates being SUBTRACTED from it.
So, if these were your Year Spheres, your total would be, Rattus?
Oh, um...approximately 12.
No, it's 735.
-I know, I was being very approximate.
At the end of the show, the person with the highest year score
-will win a unique historical prize.
-Just something I've picked up.
-Bear in mind that the last thing he picked up was the plague.
Let's get cracking. To see who this round's about,
it's over to the Gory Grid.
It's the Gorgeous Georgians.
And your four Georgian topics are:
Dionne, you get first pick as it's the first round, so pick away.
-Let's hear the question.
True or false? Our Georgian dentists used whale bones to make false teeth.
Let's see your answers now, please.
Melissa and Lloyd going for "true", Dionne for "false". Who's right?
But they did use walrus tusks.
Thankfully, they cut them down a bit first, though. Marvellous!
Yes, thankfully. Dionne, well done.
-Melissa, it's your turn to pick a topic.
-Fashion, it is.
-Is this true or is it false?
You've all gone for "true".
Interesting. Let's find out if you're right.
OK, in fact, it's true.
It is true. The huge dresses were called mantua dresses.
Many doorways had to be enlarged,
-so ladies in these massive dresses could fit through.
Does my bum look big in this? Yes? Oh, good!
-That's what they were after.
-Lloyd, your turn to pick a topic.
I'll go with Milk.
-That is a prop question.
-It's a prop question. I like the prop questions!
-Oh, my word!
Eugh! That is a bucket of dirty milk.
It really is horrible. Here's the question about it. True or false?
Georgian milkmaids carried milk through town in buckets
and the milk usually had lice, spit and hair in it. Is it true or false?
Dionne has gone for "false".
Melissa and Lloyd have both gone for "true".
I can tell you that the answer is "true". The milk was filthy.
And it's absolutely delicious.
Let's put this down here. Just lick that little mark up there, Rattus.
Fantastic. So everyone on two points, it's very, very exciting.
One question left in this round and it's a question on Napoleon.
True or false? Before a long march,
Napoleon's French soldiers would sometimes put an egg into each boot.
Let's see your answers now, please.
Dionne's gone for "true", Melissa and Lloyd for "false". Who's right?
It's true. They thought this helped soothe blistered feet.
I guess they ended up with a cheese omelette at the end of the march!
Dionne, congratulations. You've won the quiz.
-Choose your Year Sphere from our Trolley Wally.
-Don't call me that!
Oh, I hate it when it's all the way down here. It's such a long way.
-Choose your Year Sphere, whichever one you want.
One could have a Stone Age date worth a few million minus points.
Winning the quiz means Dionne is through to play the Georgian Game.
But will she be alone or will everyone get to play?
It's an All Play Silly Game,
so that means it's off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.
-Off you go, Lloyd. It stinks, by the way.
-In you go, Melissa.
-I know it does. Go on then. Down you go.
Oh, it stinks in here!
Now, Georgians were famous for wearing huge wigs
which were invariably infested with hundreds of bugs,
-so it's time to play...
Loads of fleas and lice will fling themselves from a Georgian wig.
You catch as many bugs in your hair net as possible.
The player who catches the most wins the Year Sphere.
Are you ready, steady...?
Let the flea circus begin!
Here we are then, a Georgian Flea Fling.
Already the bugs of many shapes and sizes are coming out of the wig.
There's one now. Rattus, you must love this game.
I do love it. I love this game for a whole myriad of reasons.
My fleas are a couple of millimetres across,
whereas these fleas are, in fact, humongous!
Yes, these fleas have been fed quite a lot of human growth hormone
to get them up to the size required. Not strictly legal, but we enjoy it.
-Melissa's managed to catch one of the bugs on her hair.
There's one hanging on to the edge of her wig. It's a bit off-putting.
-But it will of course count towards her final total.
-It certainly will.
I wonder if they want to catch some of MY bugs?
-They're small, but perfectly formed.
-Don't you go near the contestants with them.
-30 seconds remaining.
This is the only show on network television
where children are encouraged to catch lice!
It's so wrong, it's right.
Talking of lice, there's another one on Melissa's head.
She's got two now on that wig alone.
A lot of these fleas seem to pop in
and bounce out as they reach for other ones.
Fleas bounce all over the place whereas lice stay where they are.
-You can't get rid of them even with a preparatory cream.
And a third flea now on Melissa's wig.
We're coming towards the end of this game.
-It's all over.
-That is the end.
And looking at that, I can tell you that the score is 35, 31, 20.
Back behind your podiums, please. That was tremendous.
That was a tremendous effort,
but the winner with 35 bugs was Dionne.
Help yourself to another Year Sphere.
Two Year Spheres. None for the other two, but plenty of time to catch up.
To find out who's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.
It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.
And here are your all-important Victorian topics.
-Melissa, you pick first.
True or false? Famous nurse Florence Nightingale used to have a pet ferret
which she kept in her pocket.
Melissa and Lloyd going for "false", Dionne for "true".
-Let's find out what the answer is.
Florence used to keep a pet owl in her pocket who she called Athena.
-That's a nice name.
-Right, Lloyd, your turn to pick a topic.
-Gadgets. And that is a prop question.
It's a prop question. Look at that!
That is a genuine Victorian contraption
for removing rotten teeth.
Is that true or false?
The girls are going for "false", Lloyd out on his own with "true".
The answer is..."false".
Unfortunately. It is in fact for peeling peaches, believe it or not.
Or you could leave the peaches to rot,
then suck 'em up with a straw. Delish!
That's if you're a rat. There's the scores.
Melissa, you lead this round with two points.
Dionne and Lloyd, you have a point apiece.
-Dionne, your turn to choose next.
What do you think? Is this true or false?
Everybody has gone for "true". Interesting.
The fact of the matter is it's...true.
There once was a poet most smart
Whose lyrics were praised as high art
He mimed doing a poo on an imaginary loo
But one thing was real...
-Thank you, thank you.
-Thank you, Rattus.
You're in the lead, Melissa. One question left this round.
It's a question on Queen Victoria.
True or false? Queen Victoria was the shortest monarch in British history.
So was Queen Victoria the shortest adult monarch in British history?
Let's see your answers now, please.
Everybody has gone for "true". Let's find out.
It's true. Victoria was only five foot tall.
I guess that old crown added a few inches.
I could do with one myself. I'm four foot five.
Short in stature, long in reign.
After that round, Melissa, you've scored four out of four.
You've won a Year Sphere. Congratulations.
Melissa, as the winner of the quiz,
you're through to play the Victorian Game,
but will it be just you or will the others get to play too?
It's a Single Play Brainy Game.
Melissa, it's off down the Time Sewer with you on your own.
It really does stink.
Eccentric Victorian William Buckland loved natural history
and filled his house with every kind of animal, then ate them all.
He ate all sorts of unusual foods like, for instance, mouse on toast.
-It's time to play...
Seven bizarre foodstuffs then,
but two weren't eaten by Barmy Buckland.
Work out which five things he consumed.
Choose five and move them to the "eaten" board,
then touch the mouse on toast to find out how many you've got right.
Keep trying until you've got all five, but you're against the clock.
-Your time starts now.
So then, what does Melissa think that Barmy Buckland used to eat?
Her first choice, I can tell you, is roast giraffe. Interesting.
It could be. It might not be. We just don't know at this stage.
The mummified heart of Louis XIV, an elephant's trunk.
What a varied diet he had!
If this is right, what an extraordinary diet the man had!
Stewed bluebottles is next. She's doing very well.
She's doing this quickly. A mole, on to the mouse on toast.
-'You have all five right.'
-She's done it already. Extraordinary!
-Here, I've got your tea. Is she ready to start?
Melissa, help yourself to a Year Sphere. Buckland didn't eat a dodo,
a species which had died out long before Buckland was born.
Nor did he eat the mummified toe of Pharaoh Tutankhamen
whose tomb was discovered after Buckland died.
But Buckland really did eat all the others,
including the mummified heart of Louis XIV. Eugh!
Apparently he said, "I have eaten many strange things,
"but have never eaten the heart of a king before."
Nor I, to my knowledge,
but who knows what meat they put in a hot dog?
Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.
It's the Measly Middle Ages.
Four questions and here are your four Middle Ages topics.
-Lloyd, it's your turn to pick first. Pick a topic.
One wise monk wrote all about Britain's early history.
His name was Bede, but by what name is he better known?
The girls are going for B's, Lloyd out on his own with an "A".
-Let's see who's right.
-The answer is "A", the Venerable Bede,
which means he was admired and respected.
-Much like the Venerable Dave.
-What do you want, Rattus?
Nothing. Well, can I have a go in your jacuzzi?
-It's not a jacuzzi, it's a toilet.
-I know, but can I anyway?
Lloyd, you've got one point on the board already.
-Dionne, it's your turn to choose a topic.
Oh, it's a prop question. Let's see it. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
There it is. This is a magpie's beak.
Why would a person from the Middle Ages wear it around their neck?
Would it be "A", for good luck,
"B", to cure toothache, or "C", to ward off demons and ghosts?
You've all gone for "C". You think it's to ward off demons and ghosts.
Well, I can tell you that the actual answer is "B".
It's a cure for toothache.
Dave doesn't need a cure.
He's got false teeth. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
-OK, you're on a final warning now.
-Melissa, your turn to choose a topic.
-Can I have Sport?
A man called John Rivers found his lord's hunting hawk on the roof
of his house, but failed to report it. What was his punishment?
"A", he was fined 100 shillings, "B", he had one of his hands cut off,
or "C", he had flesh cut from his chest and fed to the hawk?
Lloyd and Dionne going for C's, Melissa for "B". Who's right?
The answer is "C". He had six ounces of flesh cut from his chest
and fed to the hawk. I'm guessing he didn't do that again.
Even that makes ME feel queasy! Eugh!
Hold it in, Rattus. I don't want to see any sick on the table. Good man.
OK, through to the final question of this round.
Lloyd, you can't be caught by Melissa, but you can be by Dionne.
The final question is on Kings. Let's hear what it is.
Richard the Lionheart was King of England for ten years,
but during this time, how long was he in England?
Dionne and Lloyd going for "C", Melissa for "A".
-Let's find out what the answer is.
-"C", 6 months.
He spent all his time crusading because he hated England.
I guess he wasn't a big fan of rain and mud.
At the end of that round, Lloyd, you have won your first Year Sphere.
Congratulations. So, Lloyd, you're going to play the Middle Ages Game.
But will it be All Play or will you be playing on your own?
It's a Single Player Silly Game.
So, Lloyd, get down that Time Sewer.
And he was gone.
It's the court of King Louis XI of France in the 1400s.
He has just been delivered a musical instrument
which has never been seen before.
-It's time to play the...
The instrument consisted of pigs of different sizes and a keyboard.
Play a key and a little spike would prick a piggy and make it squeal.
The larger the pig, the deeper the squeal. You have to listen to
and repeat a sequence of squeals.
The sequence will get one squeal longer each time.
Correctly repeat nine squeals within the time limit to win a Year Sphere.
Get one note wrong and... well, you'll find out.
-Let's get squealing.
So, Lloyd attempts Pig Piano. Here comes his first sequence.
He's got to replicate that to stay in the game.
One mistake and it's all over. I have to reiterate that.
-He's made a good start, Rattus.
-He's made an excellent start, Dave.
My fear is if he goes wrong cos these pigs have been eating
-chocolate ice cream and raw onions all morning.
-That's terrible news.
If he does go wrong, something unspeakable happens.
But he's not gone wrong yet. That's four.
He's done the second sequence, moving on to five.
Now it's up to Lloyd to repeat that.
Yes, a good start.
The fourth and I think the fifth one was the green. Oh, no!
He's gone wrong. No, get out of the way!
He's swerved out of the way of it. He's cleverly avoided that.
That pig is having the most confusing poo I've ever seen!
Welcome back, Lloyd. Take your place behind your podium. Bad luck.
There have been numerous reports of the Pig Piano throughout history.
-They've had different names like the Hog Harmonium.
-The Pig Organ.
If you'd like instructions on how to build your own Pig Piano,
I'll report you to the RSPCA!
-I will do it. Don't test me on that one.
Lloyd, that was extraordinary.
-I liked the way you swerved the poo at the end.
We were looking forward to seeing someone getting covered in poo.
But you body-swerved it nicely. It's the final round.
Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out what we've got.
It's the Vicious Vikings.
So, no quirky quiz in our final round.
It's straight to our big All Play Viking End Game
and it's a scary one.
Let's see you get down that Time Sewer one last time.
You never get used to it. It's revolting.
-It stinks in here.
Picture the scene. It's 793 AD.
You are a monk busy minding your own business
on the island monastery of Lindisfarne
when suddenly... "Raaaargh!"
You've got some unwanted visitors.
-It's time to play...
Your only hope of survival is that the Vikings won't hear you,
so you'd better not step on a squeaky floorboard.
You have to find the one squeak-free path through the wooden panels.
Step on a squeaky one and you'll be sent back to the start.
Reach the end of the path and you are faced with two doors.
Choose well. Behind one is freedom, behind the other is... "Raargh!"
The Viking fella with the thing.
-Sounded like a weasel with a throat infection.
-It's a Viking.
Find him and you have to start all over again. Ready, steady...
-So here we go with Viking Attack.
A very cagey start. One or two squeaky floorboards instantly.
A one in three chance of getting it right with that first step.
Dionne there has made the first step, but not the second.
It's difficult because there's a one in three chance all the way up.
It's a game of trial and error and you have to remember your errors.
-As Melissa hasn't done there.
We should have called this game Hide And Squeak, Dave.
Never mind. Dionne seems to be having trouble
working out her first step, which is extraordinary.
Lloyd halfway along now. Lovely.
Those monks at the back are keeping a close watch on proceedings.
It's their monastery, after all. I thought Lloyd was getting close.
Those doors at the end, they've got two doors each to choose from.
Behind one door lies freedom,
-behind the other, an axe-wielding, homicidal maniac.
Obviously, you're after freedom.
I said it would be good if they had to duck flying Viking axes as well.
-I remember. I was at that meeting.
-Didn't go for it.
-No, they didn't.
Just as you think they're doing well, a little mistake creeps in.
-I think, Dave, you're cursing them.
-I think maybe I am.
I think maybe I should stop saying the words "doing well".
Look at that, Dionne's...
Even if I don't say them, I curse them. Even if I just think them.
In that case, I'm going to have to control my mind very, very closely.
What am I talking about? My mind's not having any influence on this!
Here's Lloyd. Come on, Lloyd. You're doing very well.
Oh, no! Dionne?
Oh, dear. Someone must get there eventually.
And Melissa could be that person. This is very impressive.
Just one more step to go and she's there.
Melissa has made it through. This is where it gets very interesting.
-It's a 50/50 chance. Oh, it's freedom!
And she's celebrating, rather than being carried off on a stretcher.
Melissa, go and help yourself to another Year Sphere. Fantastic.
When Lindisfarne was attacked, monks got away
with one of their most holy relics - the body of St Cuthbert.
They carried it around for seven years, so the Vikings didn't get it.
I've been carrying someone for years too.
Are you saying I'm not up to the job?
No, I was talking about Marcus, my flea, but now you mention it...
Time to count up those Year Spheres.
AD years are added to your total and BC years are subtracted from it.
Dionne, start us off. Could you open up your first Year Sphere?
Let's find out what's inside.
1871 AD, the year that Queen Victoria opened the Albert Hall.
1587 AD, the execution of Mary, Queen of Scots.
But that gives you an excellent, excellent total of 3458.
Melissa, let's see what you've got in your first sphere.
1305 AD, the execution of William Wallace.
Captain Cook claims Australia for Britain in that year.
That gives you a running total at the moment of 3075.
You need just under 400 positive years to beat Dionne.
Let's open that next sphere.
Oh, my word! It's 10,000 BC!
Stone Age Man first domesticated dogs about then.
But that's no consolation, is it, Melissa?
And you've ended up with a total of minus 6925.
Lloyd, let's see what you've got in your Year Sphere.
It's 2,500 BC!
The stones were added to Stonehenge that year.
That means today's winner with 3,458 points is Dionne.
Excellent. Who goes home with our star prize.
Today's prize is not like the prizes on any other game show,
which is a shame because it's some old rubbish
that Rattus dragged out of the Time Sewer. What have we got?
Well, you certainly can't say that this prize is pointless.
In fact, it couldn't have more of a point if it tried.
Yeah? It's the tip of a Roman gladiator's spear.
Roman ladies believed it was good luck to comb their hair
with the spear of a dead gladiator.
Exactly how does combing your hair with a spear constitute good luck?
It does if you've always wanted hair
-that's matted with congealed gladiator blood.
Well, con-RAT-ulations, Dionne.
-There you go, Dionne. So sorry about the blood on it.
Maybe you could display it somewhere you can't see it.
Thanks to our winner, Dionne.
Thanks to our runners-up, Melissa and Lloyd.
-And no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.
-I aim to please.
You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.
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# With Horrible Histories Gory Games
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# Games! #