Episode 6 HH: Gory Games


Quirky quizzes and gory games. Rattus introduces his flea Marcus and his tapeworm Terry. In fact, there are fleas all over the place and they are huge.


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Transcript


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# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

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# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

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# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

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# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

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# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

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# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

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# With Horrible Histories Gory...

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# Games! #

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The important thing is that when we start the show, you're ready to go.

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Hello and welcome to Gory Games

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with me, Dave Lamb, and my assistant Rattus Rattus.

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And my assistant Marcus the Flea. Ow!

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No biting, Marcus. We're on television.

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You get to test your knowledge of Horrible Histories.

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With quirky quiz questions.

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Come on, Marcus. This is your line.

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Marcus!

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-Oh, my flea's gone all shy. Ha-ha!

-THRRP!

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Oh, Marcus, we're on TV!

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And Gory Games. Without further ado, let's meet our horrible historians.

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-Hi, I'm Dionne.

-Hi, I'm Melissa.

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-Hi, I'm Lloyd.

-Welcome on board, Lloyd.

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OK, we'll kick off the show with a warm-up game of my own invention.

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-Oh, joy(!)

-A little Victorian game I like to call Gone Fishing.

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That sounds OK. What are we after? Trout, perch, a bit of salmon?

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-Tapeworm.

-Tapeworm. Of course.

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Victorian inventor Dr Myers came up

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with the remarkable little tapeworm trap.

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Inside the metal container is some bait. Ha-ha!

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I like to use rotten meat, but fresh meat will do.

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Hand them out to the contestants, will you, Dave?

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Guys, dangle the trap down my throat

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and the tapeworm will go for the bait and get caught!

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The first person to catch Terry my tapeworm wins.

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Here they come, Terry, ready or not! Ahhhhhh!

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No, I'm sorry, I can't do that.

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We won't have tapeworm extractions on my show.

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That's probably not such a bad thing.

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-Some people choke to death on the tapeworm trap.

-And you'd risk that?

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-No, I knew you'd call it all off.

-Predictable to a fault, I am.

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Right, Dionne, Melissa and Lloyd, you are playing to win Year Spheres.

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Each Year Sphere contains a date.

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At the end of the show, your sphere dates will be added up

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with AD dates being ADDED to your total

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and BC dates being SUBTRACTED from it.

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So, if these were your Year Spheres, your total would be, Rattus?

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Oh, um...approximately 12.

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No, it's 735.

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-I know, I was being very approximate.

-Ignore him.

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At the end of the show, the person with the highest year score

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-will win a unique historical prize.

-Just something I've picked up.

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-Bear in mind that the last thing he picked up was the plague.

-Oi!

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Let's get cracking. To see who this round's about,

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it's over to the Gory Grid.

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It's the Gorgeous Georgians.

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And your four Georgian topics are:

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Dionne, you get first pick as it's the first round, so pick away.

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-Teeth.

-Let's hear the question.

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True or false? Our Georgian dentists used whale bones to make false teeth.

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Let's see your answers now, please.

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Melissa and Lloyd going for "true", Dionne for "false". Who's right?

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It's false.

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But they did use walrus tusks.

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Thankfully, they cut them down a bit first, though. Marvellous!

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Yes, thankfully. Dionne, well done.

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-Melissa, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Fashion, please.

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-Fashion, it is.

-Is this true or is it false?

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You've all gone for "true".

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Interesting. Let's find out if you're right.

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OK, in fact, it's true.

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It is true. The huge dresses were called mantua dresses.

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Many doorways had to be enlarged,

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-so ladies in these massive dresses could fit through.

-Excuse me.

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Does my bum look big in this? Yes? Oh, good!

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-That's what they were after.

-Ha-ha!

-Lloyd, your turn to pick a topic.

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I'll go with Milk.

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-That is a prop question.

-It's a prop question. I like the prop questions!

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-Oh, my word!

-Oh, oh!

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Eugh! That is a bucket of dirty milk.

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It really is horrible. Here's the question about it. True or false?

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Georgian milkmaids carried milk through town in buckets

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and the milk usually had lice, spit and hair in it. Is it true or false?

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Dionne has gone for "false".

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Melissa and Lloyd have both gone for "true".

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I can tell you that the answer is "true". The milk was filthy.

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And it's absolutely delicious.

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Let's put this down here. Just lick that little mark up there, Rattus.

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Fantastic. So everyone on two points, it's very, very exciting.

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One question left in this round and it's a question on Napoleon.

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True or false? Before a long march,

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Napoleon's French soldiers would sometimes put an egg into each boot.

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Let's see your answers now, please.

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Dionne's gone for "true", Melissa and Lloyd for "false". Who's right?

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It's true. They thought this helped soothe blistered feet.

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I guess they ended up with a cheese omelette at the end of the march!

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Yummy!

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Yes, horrible.

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Dionne, congratulations. You've won the quiz.

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-Choose your Year Sphere from our Trolley Wally.

-Don't call me that!

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Oh, I hate it when it's all the way down here. It's such a long way.

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-Hello, Dionne.

-Hello.

-Choose your Year Sphere, whichever one you want.

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One could have a Stone Age date worth a few million minus points.

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Oh-ho-ho!

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Winning the quiz means Dionne is through to play the Georgian Game.

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But will she be alone or will everyone get to play?

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It's an All Play Silly Game,

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so that means it's off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

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-Off you go, Lloyd. It stinks, by the way.

-Eugh!

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-In you go, Melissa.

-It stinks!

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-I know it does. Go on then. Down you go.

-Aaagh!

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Eugh! Eugh!

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Oh, it stinks in here!

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Eugh!

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Now, Georgians were famous for wearing huge wigs

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which were invariably infested with hundreds of bugs,

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-so it's time to play...

-Flea Fling.

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Loads of fleas and lice will fling themselves from a Georgian wig.

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You catch as many bugs in your hair net as possible.

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The player who catches the most wins the Year Sphere.

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Are you ready, steady...?

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Let the flea circus begin!

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HOOTER

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Here we are then, a Georgian Flea Fling.

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Already the bugs of many shapes and sizes are coming out of the wig.

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There's one now. Rattus, you must love this game.

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I do love it. I love this game for a whole myriad of reasons.

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My fleas are a couple of millimetres across,

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whereas these fleas are, in fact, humongous!

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Yes, these fleas have been fed quite a lot of human growth hormone

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to get them up to the size required. Not strictly legal, but we enjoy it.

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-Melissa's managed to catch one of the bugs on her hair.

-You're right.

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There's one hanging on to the edge of her wig. It's a bit off-putting.

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-But it will of course count towards her final total.

-It certainly will.

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I wonder if they want to catch some of MY bugs?

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-They're small, but perfectly formed.

-They're disgusting.

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-Don't you go near the contestants with them.

-30 seconds remaining.

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This is the only show on network television

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where children are encouraged to catch lice!

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It's so wrong, it's right.

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Talking of lice, there's another one on Melissa's head.

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She's got two now on that wig alone.

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A lot of these fleas seem to pop in

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and bounce out as they reach for other ones.

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Fleas bounce all over the place whereas lice stay where they are.

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-You can't get rid of them even with a preparatory cream.

-You can't.

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And a third flea now on Melissa's wig.

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We're coming towards the end of this game.

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-HOOTER

-It's all over.

-That is the end.

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And looking at that, I can tell you that the score is 35, 31, 20.

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-Extraordinary!

-I know.

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Back behind your podiums, please. That was tremendous.

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That was a tremendous effort,

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but the winner with 35 bugs was Dionne.

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Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

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Two Year Spheres. None for the other two, but plenty of time to catch up.

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To find out who's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

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It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

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And here are your all-important Victorian topics.

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-Melissa, you pick first.

-Florence Nightingale.

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True or false? Famous nurse Florence Nightingale used to have a pet ferret

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which she kept in her pocket.

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Melissa and Lloyd going for "false", Dionne for "true".

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-Let's find out what the answer is.

-It's false.

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Florence used to keep a pet owl in her pocket who she called Athena.

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-That's a nice name.

-Right, Lloyd, your turn to pick a topic.

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-Gadgets, please.

-Gadgets. And that is a prop question.

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It's a prop question. Look at that!

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That is a genuine Victorian contraption

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for removing rotten teeth.

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Is that true or false?

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The girls are going for "false", Lloyd out on his own with "true".

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The answer is..."false".

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Unfortunately. It is in fact for peeling peaches, believe it or not.

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Or you could leave the peaches to rot,

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then suck 'em up with a straw. Delish!

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That's if you're a rat. There's the scores.

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Melissa, you lead this round with two points.

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Dionne and Lloyd, you have a point apiece.

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-Dionne, your turn to choose next.

-Poetry, please.

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What do you think? Is this true or false?

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Everybody has gone for "true". Interesting.

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The fact of the matter is it's...true.

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Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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There once was a poet most smart

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Whose lyrics were praised as high art

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He mimed doing a poo on an imaginary loo

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But one thing was real...

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-THRRP!

-His far...

-Thank you, thank you.

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-Thank you, Rattus.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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You're in the lead, Melissa. One question left this round.

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It's a question on Queen Victoria.

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True or false? Queen Victoria was the shortest monarch in British history.

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So was Queen Victoria the shortest adult monarch in British history?

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Let's see your answers now, please.

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Everybody has gone for "true". Let's find out.

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It's true. Victoria was only five foot tall.

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I guess that old crown added a few inches.

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I could do with one myself. I'm four foot five.

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Short in stature, long in reign.

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After that round, Melissa, you've scored four out of four.

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You've won a Year Sphere. Congratulations.

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Melissa, as the winner of the quiz,

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you're through to play the Victorian Game,

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but will it be just you or will the others get to play too?

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It's a Single Play Brainy Game.

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Melissa, it's off down the Time Sewer with you on your own.

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It really does stink.

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DAVE COUGHS

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Crikey!

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Eccentric Victorian William Buckland loved natural history

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and filled his house with every kind of animal, then ate them all.

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He ate all sorts of unusual foods like, for instance, mouse on toast.

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-It's time to play...

-Foul Food.

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Seven bizarre foodstuffs then,

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but two weren't eaten by Barmy Buckland.

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Work out which five things he consumed.

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Choose five and move them to the "eaten" board,

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then touch the mouse on toast to find out how many you've got right.

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Keep trying until you've got all five, but you're against the clock.

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-Your time starts now.

-HOOTER

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So then, what does Melissa think that Barmy Buckland used to eat?

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Her first choice, I can tell you, is roast giraffe. Interesting.

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It could be. It might not be. We just don't know at this stage.

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The mummified heart of Louis XIV, an elephant's trunk.

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What a varied diet he had!

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If this is right, what an extraordinary diet the man had!

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Stewed bluebottles is next. She's doing very well.

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She's doing this quickly. A mole, on to the mouse on toast.

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-'You have all five right.'

-She's done it already. Extraordinary!

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-Here, I've got your tea. Is she ready to start?

-It's finished.

-What?

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Melissa, help yourself to a Year Sphere. Buckland didn't eat a dodo,

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a species which had died out long before Buckland was born.

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Nor did he eat the mummified toe of Pharaoh Tutankhamen

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whose tomb was discovered after Buckland died.

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But Buckland really did eat all the others,

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including the mummified heart of Louis XIV. Eugh!

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Apparently he said, "I have eaten many strange things,

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"but have never eaten the heart of a king before."

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Nor I, to my knowledge,

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but who knows what meat they put in a hot dog?

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Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

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It's the Measly Middle Ages.

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Four questions and here are your four Middle Ages topics.

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-Lloyd, it's your turn to pick first. Pick a topic.

-Monks, please.

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One wise monk wrote all about Britain's early history.

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His name was Bede, but by what name is he better known?

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The girls are going for B's, Lloyd out on his own with an "A".

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-Let's see who's right.

-The answer is "A", the Venerable Bede,

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which means he was admired and respected.

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-Much like the Venerable Dave.

-What do you want, Rattus?

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Nothing. Well, can I have a go in your jacuzzi?

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-It's not a jacuzzi, it's a toilet.

-I know, but can I anyway?

-Go ahead.

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Lloyd, you've got one point on the board already.

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-Dionne, it's your turn to choose a topic.

-Cures.

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Oh, it's a prop question. Let's see it. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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There it is. This is a magpie's beak.

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Why would a person from the Middle Ages wear it around their neck?

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Would it be "A", for good luck,

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"B", to cure toothache, or "C", to ward off demons and ghosts?

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You've all gone for "C". You think it's to ward off demons and ghosts.

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Well, I can tell you that the actual answer is "B".

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It's a cure for toothache.

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Dave doesn't need a cure.

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He's got false teeth. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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-OK, you're on a final warning now.

-Again?

-Yeah, again.

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-Melissa, your turn to choose a topic.

-Can I have Sport?

-Sport.

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A man called John Rivers found his lord's hunting hawk on the roof

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of his house, but failed to report it. What was his punishment?

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"A", he was fined 100 shillings, "B", he had one of his hands cut off,

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or "C", he had flesh cut from his chest and fed to the hawk?

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Very interesting.

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Lloyd and Dionne going for C's, Melissa for "B". Who's right?

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The answer is "C". He had six ounces of flesh cut from his chest

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and fed to the hawk. I'm guessing he didn't do that again.

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Even that makes ME feel queasy! Eugh!

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Hold it in, Rattus. I don't want to see any sick on the table. Good man.

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OK, through to the final question of this round.

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Lloyd, you can't be caught by Melissa, but you can be by Dionne.

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The final question is on Kings. Let's hear what it is.

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Richard the Lionheart was King of England for ten years,

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but during this time, how long was he in England?

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Dionne and Lloyd going for "C", Melissa for "A".

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-Let's find out what the answer is.

-"C", 6 months.

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He spent all his time crusading because he hated England.

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I guess he wasn't a big fan of rain and mud.

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At the end of that round, Lloyd, you have won your first Year Sphere.

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Congratulations. So, Lloyd, you're going to play the Middle Ages Game.

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But will it be All Play or will you be playing on your own?

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It's a Single Player Silly Game.

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So, Lloyd, get down that Time Sewer.

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Aagh!

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And he was gone.

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It's the court of King Louis XI of France in the 1400s.

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He has just been delivered a musical instrument

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which has never been seen before.

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-It's time to play the...

-Pig Piano.

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The instrument consisted of pigs of different sizes and a keyboard.

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Play a key and a little spike would prick a piggy and make it squeal.

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The larger the pig, the deeper the squeal. You have to listen to

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and repeat a sequence of squeals.

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The sequence will get one squeal longer each time.

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Correctly repeat nine squeals within the time limit to win a Year Sphere.

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Get one note wrong and... well, you'll find out.

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-Let's get squealing.

-HOOTER

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So, Lloyd attempts Pig Piano. Here comes his first sequence.

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He's got to replicate that to stay in the game.

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One mistake and it's all over. I have to reiterate that.

0:19:170:19:22

-He's made a good start, Rattus.

-He's made an excellent start, Dave.

0:19:220:19:26

My fear is if he goes wrong cos these pigs have been eating

0:19:260:19:29

-chocolate ice cream and raw onions all morning.

-That's terrible news.

0:19:290:19:34

If he does go wrong, something unspeakable happens.

0:19:340:19:37

But he's not gone wrong yet. That's four.

0:19:370:19:40

He's done the second sequence, moving on to five.

0:19:400:19:44

SQUEALING

0:19:440:19:47

Now it's up to Lloyd to repeat that.

0:19:470:19:50

Yes, a good start.

0:19:500:19:52

The fourth and I think the fifth one was the green. Oh, no!

0:19:540:19:59

He's gone wrong. No, get out of the way!

0:19:590:20:02

He's swerved out of the way of it. He's cleverly avoided that.

0:20:020:20:07

That pig is having the most confusing poo I've ever seen!

0:20:070:20:11

Welcome back, Lloyd. Take your place behind your podium. Bad luck.

0:20:130:20:18

There have been numerous reports of the Pig Piano throughout history.

0:20:180:20:22

-They've had different names like the Hog Harmonium.

-The Swine-Away.

0:20:220:20:26

-The Pig Organ.

-The Pigano.

0:20:260:20:29

If you'd like instructions on how to build your own Pig Piano,

0:20:290:20:33

I'll report you to the RSPCA!

0:20:330:20:35

-Ha-ha-ha!

-I will do it. Don't test me on that one.

0:20:350:20:39

Lloyd, that was extraordinary.

0:20:390:20:41

-I liked the way you swerved the poo at the end.

-Yeah, spoilsport!

0:20:410:20:46

We were looking forward to seeing someone getting covered in poo.

0:20:460:20:49

But you body-swerved it nicely. It's the final round.

0:20:490:20:53

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out what we've got.

0:20:530:20:57

It's the Vicious Vikings.

0:20:570:20:59

So, no quirky quiz in our final round.

0:20:590:21:02

It's straight to our big All Play Viking End Game

0:21:020:21:05

and it's a scary one.

0:21:050:21:07

Let's see you get down that Time Sewer one last time.

0:21:070:21:11

Eugh!

0:21:110:21:12

Eugh!

0:21:160:21:17

You never get used to it. It's revolting.

0:21:170:21:20

-It stinks in here.

-Eugh!

0:21:200:21:23

Picture the scene. It's 793 AD.

0:21:230:21:28

You are a monk busy minding your own business

0:21:280:21:31

on the island monastery of Lindisfarne

0:21:310:21:34

when suddenly... "Raaaargh!"

0:21:340:21:37

You've got some unwanted visitors.

0:21:370:21:40

-It's time to play...

-Viking Attack.

0:21:400:21:44

Your only hope of survival is that the Vikings won't hear you,

0:21:440:21:48

so you'd better not step on a squeaky floorboard.

0:21:480:21:52

You have to find the one squeak-free path through the wooden panels.

0:21:520:21:56

Step on a squeaky one and you'll be sent back to the start.

0:21:560:22:00

Reach the end of the path and you are faced with two doors.

0:22:000:22:04

Choose well. Behind one is freedom, behind the other is... "Raargh!"

0:22:040:22:08

The Viking fella with the thing.

0:22:080:22:10

-Sounded like a weasel with a throat infection.

-It's a Viking.

0:22:100:22:14

Find him and you have to start all over again. Ready, steady...

0:22:140:22:18

-HOOTER

-So here we go with Viking Attack.

0:22:180:22:21

A very cagey start. One or two squeaky floorboards instantly.

0:22:210:22:25

A one in three chance of getting it right with that first step.

0:22:250:22:30

Dionne there has made the first step, but not the second.

0:22:300:22:34

It's difficult because there's a one in three chance all the way up.

0:22:340:22:39

It's a game of trial and error and you have to remember your errors.

0:22:390:22:44

-FLOORBOARD SQUEAKS

-As Melissa hasn't done there.

0:22:440:22:47

We should have called this game Hide And Squeak, Dave.

0:22:470:22:50

Yes. Why?

0:22:500:22:53

Never mind. Dionne seems to be having trouble

0:22:530:22:57

working out her first step, which is extraordinary.

0:22:570:23:00

Lloyd halfway along now. Lovely.

0:23:000:23:02

Those monks at the back are keeping a close watch on proceedings.

0:23:020:23:07

It's their monastery, after all. I thought Lloyd was getting close.

0:23:070:23:11

Those doors at the end, they've got two doors each to choose from.

0:23:110:23:15

Behind one door lies freedom,

0:23:150:23:18

-behind the other, an axe-wielding, homicidal maniac.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:23:180:23:22

Obviously, you're after freedom.

0:23:220:23:25

I said it would be good if they had to duck flying Viking axes as well.

0:23:250:23:29

-I remember. I was at that meeting.

-Didn't go for it.

-No, they didn't.

0:23:290:23:33

Just as you think they're doing well, a little mistake creeps in.

0:23:330:23:37

-I think, Dave, you're cursing them.

-I think maybe I am.

0:23:370:23:41

I think maybe I should stop saying the words "doing well".

0:23:410:23:44

Look at that, Dionne's...

0:23:440:23:47

Even if I don't say them, I curse them. Even if I just think them.

0:23:470:23:52

In that case, I'm going to have to control my mind very, very closely.

0:23:520:23:56

What am I talking about? My mind's not having any influence on this!

0:23:560:24:00

Here's Lloyd. Come on, Lloyd. You're doing very well.

0:24:000:24:04

Oh, no! Dionne?

0:24:040:24:06

Oh, dear. Someone must get there eventually.

0:24:060:24:09

And Melissa could be that person. This is very impressive.

0:24:090:24:13

Just one more step to go and she's there.

0:24:130:24:16

Melissa has made it through. This is where it gets very interesting.

0:24:160:24:21

-It's a 50/50 chance. Oh, it's freedom!

-Excellent.

-Freedom!

0:24:210:24:25

And she's celebrating, rather than being carried off on a stretcher.

0:24:250:24:29

Melissa, go and help yourself to another Year Sphere. Fantastic.

0:24:300:24:35

When Lindisfarne was attacked, monks got away

0:24:350:24:38

with one of their most holy relics - the body of St Cuthbert.

0:24:380:24:41

They carried it around for seven years, so the Vikings didn't get it.

0:24:410:24:45

I've been carrying someone for years too.

0:24:450:24:49

Are you saying I'm not up to the job?

0:24:490:24:52

No, I was talking about Marcus, my flea, but now you mention it...

0:24:520:24:56

Time to count up those Year Spheres.

0:24:570:25:00

AD years are added to your total and BC years are subtracted from it.

0:25:000:25:06

Dionne, start us off. Could you open up your first Year Sphere?

0:25:060:25:10

Let's find out what's inside.

0:25:100:25:13

1871 AD, the year that Queen Victoria opened the Albert Hall.

0:25:140:25:19

1587 AD, the execution of Mary, Queen of Scots.

0:25:220:25:27

But that gives you an excellent, excellent total of 3458.

0:25:270:25:33

Melissa, let's see what you've got in your first sphere.

0:25:330:25:37

1305 AD, the execution of William Wallace.

0:25:370:25:40

1770 AD.

0:25:420:25:45

Captain Cook claims Australia for Britain in that year.

0:25:450:25:49

That gives you a running total at the moment of 3075.

0:25:490:25:53

You need just under 400 positive years to beat Dionne.

0:25:530:25:58

Let's open that next sphere.

0:25:580:26:01

Oh, my word! It's 10,000 BC!

0:26:020:26:05

Stone Age Man first domesticated dogs about then.

0:26:050:26:10

But that's no consolation, is it, Melissa?

0:26:100:26:13

And you've ended up with a total of minus 6925.

0:26:130:26:18

Lloyd, let's see what you've got in your Year Sphere.

0:26:180:26:21

It's 2,500 BC!

0:26:220:26:26

The stones were added to Stonehenge that year.

0:26:260:26:29

That means today's winner with 3,458 points is Dionne.

0:26:290:26:33

Congratulations, Dionne.

0:26:330:26:35

Excellent. Who goes home with our star prize.

0:26:350:26:38

Today's prize is not like the prizes on any other game show,

0:26:380:26:42

which is a shame because it's some old rubbish

0:26:420:26:45

that Rattus dragged out of the Time Sewer. What have we got?

0:26:450:26:49

Well, you certainly can't say that this prize is pointless.

0:26:490:26:53

In fact, it couldn't have more of a point if it tried.

0:26:530:26:57

Yeah? It's the tip of a Roman gladiator's spear.

0:26:570:27:00

Roman ladies believed it was good luck to comb their hair

0:27:000:27:04

with the spear of a dead gladiator.

0:27:040:27:07

Exactly how does combing your hair with a spear constitute good luck?

0:27:070:27:11

It does if you've always wanted hair

0:27:110:27:13

-that's matted with congealed gladiator blood.

-Yeah.

0:27:130:27:16

Well, con-RAT-ulations, Dionne.

0:27:160:27:20

-There you go, Dionne. So sorry about the blood on it.

-Thank you.

0:27:200:27:24

Maybe you could display it somewhere you can't see it.

0:27:240:27:28

Thanks to our winner, Dionne.

0:27:280:27:31

Thanks to our runners-up, Melissa and Lloyd.

0:27:310:27:35

-And no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

-I aim to please.

0:27:350:27:38

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

0:27:380:27:41

# Was that show messy enough for you?

0:27:410:27:44

# Or would you have preferred a little more poo?

0:27:440:27:47

# Have you had your fill of blood, guts and gore?

0:27:470:27:50

# Or have we left you still wanting more?

0:27:500:27:53

# Well, keep watching We'll be back again

0:27:530:27:57

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

0:27:570:28:00

# Horrible Histories Gory...

0:28:000:28:02

# Games! #

0:28:020:28:04

Rattus introduces his flea Marcus and his tapeworm Terry - so it's business as usual on Gory Games! In fact there are fleas all over the place and they are huge! Somebody has definitely been over-feeding them. There is a rare and interesting musical instrument and enough squeaky floorboards to wake up an entire monastery!


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