Episode 7 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't touching

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...Games. #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games.

-I'm Dave Lamb.

-And I'm Dave Lamb.

-No, you're not, you're Rattus Rattus.

-Not any more.

Turns out you were getting paid more than me, so I've changed my name

to Dave Lamb so that we quite literally have the same contract.

-You don't think this will cause confusion?

-I wouldn't think so.

-Can we get on with the show, please?

-DAVE AND RATTUS: Yes, of course.

BOTH: He means me.

BOTH: This is the show where we test your knowledge

of Horrible Histories with quirky quizzes and, of course, Gory Games.

This is going to be a very long show.

BOTH: Let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

Hi, I'm Kirsty.

Hi, I'm Oliver.

-Hi, I'm Hannah.

-Excellent, they're all here.

Right, it's time for a warm-up game all of my very own that I call...

No, no, sorry,

we've cut this bit because you always do something inappropriate.

No, I've learned my lesson, honestly.

Today's game is just about hairdressing.

Normal hairdressing?

Of normal human hair?

-Proceed.

-Thank you. It's based on events in Durham

back in 1006, when the local English women offered to wash and comb

the hair of the defeated Scottish army.

-That was kind of them.

-Yes.

And just like those kind women did back then,

you'll be washing and combing the hair of the Scottish soldiers...

whose heads have been cut off and stuck on spikes.

-So, are we all ready?

-No, no way, not on my watch.

I'm not having children

giving beauty treatments to decapitated heads!

-What if I stuck them back on the bodies?

-That's even worse.

Oh, you are so boring! You know what? You give Dave Lamb a bad name.

From now on, you be Dull Dave and I'll be Fun Dave.

Fine. Moving on.

Right, Kirsty, Oliver, Hannah,

you are winning playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date,

and at the end of the show, your Year Spheres will be added up,

with the AD dates being added to your total

and the BC dates being subtracted from it.

-So clever!

-It's very clever.

So, if these were your Year Spheres, your total would be... Rattus?

Oh...it's between six and 300.

-Can you be more specific?

-Yes, but I think you should do some of the work.

-It's 735.

-Correct!

Of course, the person with the highest year score at the end

of the show will take home a unique historical prize.

The prize I've found for you is so good that

I was tempted to keep it myself.

We're looking at something at least as good as rotten potato peelings.

Rotten potato peelings? Where? Where?!

Right, let's get cracking.

And to find out what this round is about, over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Gorgeous Georgians!

So, four questions on Gorgeous Georgians coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

And your four Georgian topics are...

Kirsty, you get to pick first in this round. Which is it going to be?

Can I go for heads, please?

Heads.

That is a prop question...

and it's another severed head!

This is in fact a French aristocrat -

during the French Revolution,

many aristocrats were executed on the guillotine,

and their decapitated heads were used to make wax replicas.

The woman behind this had a name. Was it Madame...

Let's see your answers now.

OK.

Kirsty and Oliver going for Madame Bonaparte,

Hannah is going for Madame Tussaud.

And the answer is B - Madame Tussaud.

Well done, Hannah.

Founder of Madam Tussaud's,

the famous museum of wax replicas of historical figures and celebrities.

I don't think nowadays they make wax replicas

using decapitated heads of celebrities.

No, which is a shame - in many instances, of course.

Excellent.

Oliver, your turn to pick next. Three topics remaining.

Can I go with entertainment?

In 1764, the Duke of Cumberland entertained guests

with an organised fight between...

Let's see those answers now, please.

Oliver and Hannah going for A,

Kirsty for C. Let's see who is right.

The answer is A - a tiger and a stag.

If you don't want to know who won, look away now.

Hannah, it's your turn to choose a topic next.

Erm...please can I have cures.

Cures.

OK, here we go, good luck.

Interesting! So, is it A, B or C?

Oliver and Kirsty are agreeing on A. Hannah going with C.

Let's hear what the answer is.

The answer is C -

wear roast turnip skin behind the ear.

That extra point means that you cannot be caught.

So, Hannah, you've won the quiz,

time to choose your Year Sphere from...Fun Dave.

Ha-ha-ha! Push, push, push...

Here you go, Hannah, come and pick a Year Sphere. Any one you want.

Yes, let's hope it's not the one with the Stone Age date,

they're worth a few million minus points.

Winning the quiz means Hannah is automatically through

to play the Georgian Game.

But will she be alone, or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

It's a single player silly game!

So, Hannah, off down the time sewer with you.

Good luck in there, deep breath.

-Bye.

-Bye!

-Bye!

Oh, this stinks!

Picture the scene, it's 21st October 1805,

and the 27 ships of the British Royal Navy

faced the 33 boats of the French and Spanish Navy.

It's time to play...

You are a British Navy gunner.

Your mission, to load, aim and fire your cannon at the enemy ships.

You score a point for every enemy ship you shoot

and lose a point for every British ship you hit.

Score six points in the time limit to win your Year Sphere.

-And battle begins now!

-FOG HORN

Here goes Hannah in her own personal Battle of Trafalgar.

She loads the cannon here. There we go, lines it up.

Is she going to hit a Spanish galleon or a British ship?

The answer is she's not going to hit anything.

Do you know why it was called Trafalgar, Dull Dave?

Actually, Fun Dave, I don't think I do.

Because it took place off the coast of Spain,

just west of Cape Trafalgar.

Genuinely interesting. Oh!

That was a French galleon that has gone down!

So that's one point. Well played, Hannah.

She's reloaded already, she's very keen to get in amongst the carnage.

-She's missed again, Rattus, has she?

-That's very unfortunate.

Yeah, but she's reloading, that's the thing...

Another Frenchie down! Another Frenchie!

Two correct hits for Hannah. She's doing extremely well.

Hannah seems to have very good sea legs.

She does, she's wobbling about on that platform, remember.

It was my idea to have the springs added.

And it was a good idea.

You can see that ship is moving from side to side.

She's doing extremely well.

Hello! Who's this coming into the game? There is a seagull in the way!

I guess the only answer is just to ignore it and hope it flies off.

This is a battle. You shouldn't be concentrating on the wildlife.

-Seagull was my idea, too.

-You're not helping, Rattus.

I'm not, am I? Ha-ha-ha!

But Hannah's managing to ignore it.

Excellent seamanship and she's sunk another French galleon!

-CLOCK CHIMES

-30 seconds.

She's doing well but the clock is ticking, she's running out of time.

Has she got enough time left to get the six galleons that she needs?

Oh, there's number five!

That Spanish galleon won't be going anywhere other than downwards!

She just needs one more!

We really are running out of time, probably about 15 seconds left.

She needs one more ship! Only ten seconds left!

And she's done it!

Stand aside, Lord Nelson, it's Hannah's turn to take the glory!

Welcome back, collect your Year Sphere.

In the real battle, 22 ships of the enemy fleets

were sunk without a single British vessel being lost.

Which I think we can safely say

is the last time a British team won anything 22-0.

On to round two, and it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

Here are your all-important Egyptian topics.

So, Oliver, it's your turn to pick first this time. Pick away.

Can I go with pharaohs?

You certainly can, sir.

Around 1800 BC, pharaohs stopped being buried in pyramids

and were buried underground instead. Why was this? Was it...

Show me your answers now.

All Bs. Let's hear if you're all right.

The answer is B -

they were buried underground so people couldn't find them

to steal their treasure.

-Hannah, your pick. Pick away.

-Can I have Egyptian gods, please?

Here's what I want to know...

Let's see your answers now, please.

The girls both going for A, Oliver for C.

Let's hear the correct answer.

The answer is A - the Egyptian god of wisdom had the head of a bird.

Though the head of a rat would have made a lot more sense.

Absolutely. Kirsty, your turn to pick a topic.

Can I have sport, please?

You're lucky, because this is a question from Rattus.

-From Fun Dave.

-Thank you very much.

What was the most dangerous sport in Egypt for posh people?

Was it A - lion hunting,

B - hyena hunting,

or C - hippo hunting?

Let's see your answers now.

Wow, all three Cs again.

-Fun Dave?

-I can tell you the answer is C.

Yes, you're all right!

Hippos are extremely dangerous.

They still kill more humans than any other animal in Africa.

And the final question in this round is on magicians.

Let's hear what it is.

Pharaoh Cheops built the Great Pyramid

and he also had one of the first ever magicians, called Djedi.

But what was Djedi's famous trick?

Was it A - he could disappear, B - he could levitate,

or C - he could cut off a goose's head and put it back...alive?

Let's see your answers now.

Complete agreement once again, everyone going for C.

Let's find out if you're right.

The answer is C -

he could cut off a goose's head and put it back alive.

He also did the same trick with an ox,

but he refused to try it out with a man.

That's probably because it was all just a trick.

A trick, you say? I'll have Djedi's head chopped off

and see if he can put it back on again!

That's the end of the round, and we've got a tie, with two maximums.

Kirsty and Hannah, you got every question right,

so you two have to put your fingers on the buzzers,

and we're going to have a buzzer question.

Beginning with the letter C, which famous Queen of Egypt

dated two famous Romans, Mark Antony and Julius Caesar? Hannah?

-Cleopatra.

-That's the right answer.

Hannah, you've won yourself another Year Sphere.

As the quiz winner, Hannah, you're through to play the Egyptian Game,

but will it be just you or will the others get to play, too?

Let's find out.

It's an all-play silly game!

So it's time for you all to go off down the time sewer, one at a time.

Go on, Hannah, you know the way.

Just follow Hannah, if I were you, Oliver.

-Bye!

-Bye!

In you go, Kirsty. Bye! Don't come back till you've won a Year Sphere.

Now, King Pepi had an original solution to the fly problem

in ancient Egypt.

He'd pour pots of honey over some slaves

-and stand them in the corners of the room.

-Ha-ha-ha!

It's so obvious when you think about it, isn't it?

Your challenge is to catch as many flies on your honey suit

and fly swat as possible.

The person who catches the most flies wins the Year Sphere.

Here come those pesky flies.

It's time to play...

So here were are. They are covered in honey,

they've got fly swats and they're trying to catch

as many flies as they can. What an excellent start from Hannah.

She's got two flies on there already.

-Rattus, this is a good game, isn't it?

-It's one of my favourites!

It's sweet and gooey. What's not to love?

I have to say I fell asleep in my garden yesterday

and caught two flies in my open mouth.

That was certainly not to love!

Flies coming from all angles now.

They're standing all quite near the front.

With the exception of Kirsty, they're scoring fairly heavily.

Kirsty, a bit slow off the mark,

but she's gone to the back of the room,

and you'd think that's a mistake with the flies being at the front.

None of them stuck to them themselves yet.

No, it doesn't appear that the honey is attracting the flies

in the way one would hope.

Hang on! There's a fly stolen there. Oliver has stolen a fly!

The officials will be all over that. That will get taken off his score.

Oh, look out! Look out.

Oliver's got a fly on his head.

Doesn't he look a bit silly? But what a tremendous catch.

Kirsty's got one too! Superb!

That means Hannah is the only one without a fly on her head.

She'll be absolutely furious about that. Oh, dear me!

BUZZER

There's the buzzer. Hannah's finally got a fly

on her head, but that won't count. It doesn't matter. She's done it.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere, Hannah.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Vicious Vikings.

And here are your four Viking topics.

Hannah, it's your turn to pick first.

Please, can I have Viking Heaven?

That, very excitingly, is a prop question.

RATTUS LAUGHS

Vikings believed that in Valhalla, Viking Heaven,

dead warriors would drink from the skulls of their enemies.

Is that true or false? Let's see your answers now.

Oh, you've all gone for true, and you're all absolutely right.

It is true. Kirsty, it's your turn.

Can I have Battle, please?

Battle.

Is this true or false?

Is that true or false?

Kirsty and Oliver going for false, Hannah, on her own, with true.

It's...true!

Yes, it's absolutely true. They wore eyeliner made from ash.

Probably made them look girly but no-one was brave enough to say that.

RATTUS LAUGHS

Actually, you are quite good fun.

Good for you.

Oliver, your turn to pick a topic.

-Can I go with Viking Myth, please?

-Yes. Let's hear that question.

True or false? We believed the first man and woman came from a volcano.

Let's see your answers now, please.

Three falses. Let's see if you're all right or all wrong.

It's false! They came from the sweat of a giant's armpit, obviously.

Ugh! The sweat of a giant's armpit?! Even I find that disgusting

-and I'm a rat!

-That must be very, very disgusting, then.

Here is the final question of this round.

True or false? In the year 1004,

when the people of Norwich offered us money to stop raiding them,

we graciously accepted and went home.

Let's see your answers now, please.

Hannah goes with true, the other two with false.

Let's hear the answer.

It's false! We did take their money,

but then we destroyed Norwich any way.

-HE LAUGHS

-It was brilliant fun.

That means you all have three points each

and we go to our buzzer question. Fingers on your buzzers.

Beginning with the letter T,

which day of the week is named after the Viking god of Thunder, Thor?

-Oliver.

-Is it Thursday?

-It is Thursday, Oliver.

Congratulations, you've won yourself a Year Sphere. Go and collect it.

OK, Oliver, you're through to play the Viking game,

but will it be just you, or will everyone else get to play?

Let's find out.

It's a single player brainy game. Off down the Time Sewer with you.

Go on. I know it stinks.

-Bye!

-Bye!

-Bye!

Vikings didn't just raid Britain. Many of them settled here

and some Viking words have become part of the English language.

Seven words, then, but two don't come from the Vikings.

Your challenge, to work out which five do.

Choose five words and move them to the Viking board,

then touch the Viking axe - mind your fingers, though - to find out

how many you've got right. Keep trying new combinations

until you've got all five but be quick,

because you're against the clock. It's time to play...

BUZZER

Can Oliver find those five genuine Viking words?

First up, slaughter.

-Slaughter!

-Sounds right, doesn't it?

He's gone for crash second.

Do you know, Dave, in our rat language,

we don't have a word for disgusting.

I'm not surprised. He's not exactly rushing, is he?

He's taking his time but he's considering every move he's making.

I like to see that in a young man, consideration.

LOUD SCREAM

ANNOUNCER: You have four right.

Now he has to get tactical. Cake goes. In comes skull.

A good substitution, do you think?

I'm not so sure skull is a good substitution, Dave.

Neither does Oliver. He's got rid of skull straight away.

I was wondering, is your skull as old as you are?

I'm not answering that.

Oh, and he's got fewer.

He's only got three right now.

Both wrong answers are up there.

I wonder if juggle is one of them.

He's taken that one way and replaced it. Let's see how many he's left.

Oh, he's going to make two changes at once. This is a bit unusual

because it means he won't know which ones are wrong and right.

I said a moment ago I thought he was considering it.

I don't think he is at all.

He's panicking and just picking up any old card.

You say that but he has got four right. What's coming off?

Slaughter is coming off and on in its place goes juggle.

How many has he got? Three right.

We can deduce from that that juggle is not one of the words he's after.

Only 30 seconds to go.

Die is going on but this is random.

He's making many changes again at once.

Things changing all over

and he's not touching the axe. Touch the axe!

He's touched the axe. He's got four of them right

but I'm sure he's got no idea which ones they are.

Crash has come off now, Rattus. Is he just clutching at straws?

-I fear he is, Dave.

-How's that?

Oh, he's still got four right.

BUZZER

And he's run out of time. Oh, Oliver. You didn't find the words.

Welcome back, Oliver. Bad luck. In fact, wound is a Saxon word

and juggle comes from medieval French,

so I'm afraid no Year Sphere there.

But crash, die, slaughter and skull

are all words we get from the Vikings, as, bizarrely, is cake!

Let me get this right.

Once the Vikings have crashed into your homes screaming, "Die!"

and have slaughtered everyone by crushing their skulls,

they settle down for a nice piece of cake.

Yeah, something like that.

Time for the final round, I think. Over to the Gory Grid

to find out what we've got.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

No quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big all play Middle Ages end game,

and let me tell you, this is a very messy one!

Time for everyone to get down that Time Sewer.

-In you go.

-Bye!

-Well done. Bye, Hannah.

-Bye!

-Bye, Kirsty. Look out.

When I say messy, I really mean messy, as you're going gong farming.

Yes, gong, I'm afraid, was a Middle Ages word for poop,

and your job is to collect the gong from the cesspit,

carry it along your lane and slop it into a measuring cylinder.

Whoever collects the most collects the Year Sphere, but beware,

some Middle Ages types would just poo directly onto the street below.

So mind your heads. Right then. It's time to play:

BUZZER

We're off with the gong farming.

-This is your favourite, Rattus?

-It certainly is.

It really is a messy game, this one.

Hannah is first there. So is Kirsty. There she goes.

What a full bucket load she's got there.

Let's hope she makes it back with it all.

Oliver seems to be struggling to get into the game at all.

Hannah delivers her first payload. What about that, Rattus?

Excellent move there from Hannah.

Unfortunately Oliver shed his load, Kirsty delivers almost a full one.

That's an excellent effort from Kirsty.

Oliver may not cut it as a gong farmer.

I'm not sure it's the right career for him.

But Hannah is an excellent gong farmer.

There's her second brimful load of poo being delivered there.

Oliver can only dream of bringing that much gong.

Of course when we say "gong"

that is in fact poop we're talking about.

That is poop, although I should point out

that this is not real poo we're using here.

What? Is it not? What's the point?

I'm sorry you had to find out like that.

The game's moving nicely.

Oliver delivering a little bundle of poop.

That's his first one.

He's only got a little smudge in the bottom of his cylinder.

But brave lad, Oliver. Oh, he's fallen over.

Oh, dear me. Oliver is stuck... But he's got a smile on his face!

-He's enjoying himself.

-I don't know if that's a smile or just gas.

I'm sure it's a smile, Rattus.

Here we go. Here's Hannah coming through to get more poop.

They're doing very well. The poop is spilling out of the buckets

-and making those lanes slippery.

-Kirsty nearly went over there.

She nearly went over but she's delivered another full bucket.

Look at that going in there. That's an enormous amount of poo.

That is the most poo I've seen in one place

since a herd of cows got trapped in my back garden. It wasn't pretty.

Dear, oh, dear.

Oh! That was the point I was about to mention.

Straight away we see Hannah

slipping in the poo from the windows above.

What a mess that was.

30 seconds left and it's going to be very difficult now.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-She's over again. Oh, dear me, she looks a little tired now.

Not much poo went into the measuring cylinder that time.

Oliver's putting it on his head. Surely that's a mistake!

Never put a bucket of poo on your head.

That's the first rule of gong farming.

The second rule of gong farming? Never talk about gong farming.

-There's Kirsty rolling around...

-BUZZER

And it's all over! It's all over. Ooh, just at the end there.

Oliver flew out of the lane. A man, poo dripping from his hat,

he's never looked happier. Hannah wins it by a snitch.

She got more in the jar than on her head, unlike Oliver!

What a superb effort.

Welcome back, Gory Gamers. Hannah, please collect your Year Sphere.

There we are. Gong farming wasn't the most pleasant job in the world,

but because of that, it was actually very well paid.

Aw, come on. Surely you do a job like that just for the love of it.

You are so very weird.

It's time now to count up those Year Spheres, and remember, the AD years

are added to your total and the BC years

are subtracted from it.

Kirsty, we're starting with you. I'm taking a guess at your score.

I'm think it's nought, but don't worry,

because with the BC totals flying around,

nought could be the winning score.

Oliver, I'm going to ask you to reveal your score.

212 BC.

Death of the Greek inventor and scientist Archimedes.

That means that Kirsty, you are in the lead.

Hannah's spheres are to be opened next.

Let's start with that one.

1840 AD. The Penny Black becomes the first stamp. So you're off the mark.

Let's look at the next one.

1792 AD. Gas lighting was invented that year.

Let's have a look at the third.

1483 AD. Richard III became King of England.

This is turning into a good total. Let's look at the fourth one.

991 AD. Vikings won the Battle of Maldon.

It all hinges on this last sphere. What have we got?

It's another AD! 476 AD.

The fall of the Roman Empire.

That means that today's winner, with 6,582 points, is Hannah!

The good news is that you're taking home the star prize.

The bad news is that I'm afraid it's been fished out of the Time Sewers

by my flea-bitten colleague here.

What do you have for us today, Rattus?

The prize today is some exclusive footwear.

Well, something off a foot, that you'd wear.

All the way from the Incan Empire,

it's your very own llama toenail bracelet!

I can think of nothing more horrible.

I fished it out of the sewer so try and imagine how it looked

-before I washed it.

-Yeah, thanks for that.

Here you go, Hannah. There is your prize.

I'm sorry it's just a load of old toenails. But that's life.

It just remains for me to say thanks to our champion, Hannah,

thanks to our gallant runners-up, Kirsty and Oliver,

-and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

-Fun day.

-To fun day.

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

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